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Ozzy Osbourne To Be Genetically Decoded
Dashiva Dan writes "DNA research lab Knome has announced that it is going to sequence Ozzy's entire genome. Ozzy, the former lead singer of Black Sabbath, reality television star, and spokesman for World of Warcraft among many other things, has been selected so they can discover, among other things, how drugs are absorbed in the body. The amount of abuse Ozzy has put himself through and survived is a large part of why he was chosen."
Eating the heads off Bats. It gives him superpowers .... Shwing!
Should've chosen Keith Richards. Man's practically indestructible. If we could reverse engineer him, we'd have a genetically perfect superarmy.
Freedom is drinking a beer in the park when you're supposed to be at work.
What about Chucks genome? he is indestructible and, after all, he invented genetics, didn't he? But maybe his genome would be too complicated for research...
bouymen didi surviveorSURVIVEDidunno WHAT yourtryinto saybout me MAN survival im striving surviving man i dunnowhatyer talking someone wheres my drin i said ineed mydrinkwhered didiput the keyys
SHARRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
Retroviruses would work
Retroviruses are so last-century.
"Somehow isn't dead after snorting the entire cocaine output of a small south american nation."
Excuse the Unicode crap in my posts. That's an apostrophe, and slashdot is busted.
That's ok, he took a lot of drugs to compensate.
Serious? Seriousness is well above my pay grade.
I don't think Ozzy absorbs drugs anymore. After all, osmosis only works for moving stuff from high to low concentrations.
This is A-C-G-T. This is A-C-G-T on drugs.
But I'd take a Shot in the Dark that it doesn't take Perry Mason to tell that these scientist were riding the Crazy Train. There'll be No More Tears once we learn for certain that The Long Road to Nowhere really does lead to him...
Any insufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
is that they would take the electrophoresis gel, slurp it down like jello, then spit it out as diamond bullets at the researchers. then it would take the southern blot, kick it so hard it would turn into a northern, western and eastern blot and actually blot out the word "southern" from all maps ever printed
finally, his genes, when put in the polymerase chain reaction, would replicate uncontrollably, each new sequence of chuck norris genes gaining umpteenth levels of mystical levels of martial arts power, until the polymerase chain reaction would actually set off a runaway nuclear chain reaction. the upside of this nuclear chain reaction is that it would create elements never before seen by man, and when overhearing some of the physicists from down the hall the biochemists hurriedly call into their lab that these new elements are supposed to be unstable, chuck norris's genes would be so insulted they would spontaneously stabilize every single radioactive element in the known universe, then spontaneously rewrite the fundamental laws of nature so that radioactivity itself ceased to exist
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
They wanted to decode Lemmy from Motorhead first, but all of the samples they took came back as being a mixture of Whiskey, Amphetamines, and some sort of superhuman white blood cells that not only could fend off any currently known STD but also had a nasty habit of smashing test tubes and threatening lab assistants.
Lemmy > Ozzy.
There are some people that if they don't know, you can't tell 'em.
It's too late for Keith - he's already dead.
He actually died in 1992, but no-one had the heart to tell him.
Ahh - My eye!
The doctor said I'm not supposed to get Slashdot in it!
The report didn't have anything else on it, so I'm guessing they didn't test for heavy metals or anything of that sort. If they had, I wouldn't have been all that surprised to see mercury and lead in the list.
As for Ozzy, he at least ought to test positive for heavy metal...
Watch: after finding out that Ozzie's DNA has decayed to only slightly-worse-than-average they get permission to dig up his mom and dad and sequence their DNA. The result will be astounding: they'll be from out of this world.
The secret to human evolution, it will seem, may have been drug abuse.
~/ssh slashdot.org ssh: connect to host slashdot.org port 22: too many beers