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7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail
Whether they spoil in the heat, freeze in the winter, or get taken out by a human-friendly venue of vultures, a zombie outbreak is unlikely to succeed. Here's 7 reasons why we should stop worrying about the shambling dead and start concentrating on a real threat: sparkly vampires.
You wouldn't be saying that if you'd met some of my managers.
Brain dead - check; stumbling through life - check; rampant desire to eat people's brains (or simply recruit them to their own viewpoint) - check.
QED.
davel
dot-sig.
If they let it die, it might rise again. Like. a. zombie. OMG!!!!!
This person is claiming that zombie outbreaks will fail, but where is the evidence? Has there ever been a zombie outbreak that has actually failed for any of these reasons?
It all seems like blind optimism to me.
Am I part of the core demographic for Swedish Fish?
Keep telling yourself that. You'll be sorry one day when you don't run, and a zombie eats your face.
This is a hacked account, for which the owner can not be held responsible.
Actually, my neurobiology professor (who has a definite knack for explaining complex ideas in everyday language) gives a great lecture on Haitian zombies from a neurobiological and athropological perspective.
Basically, some Haitian (or more commonly, a bunch of Haitians) gets really pissed off at a person, and hires a witch doctor to "curse" them. The curse turns out to be slipping them some tetrodotoxin (better known in popular culture as "the thing in blowfish/fugu that paralyzes you"), which then... paralyzes them to a state in which they can be mistaken for dead.
Most probably die. It's a pretty good poison. But once in a while one of them, after being taken for dead for up to a couple days, actually "comes back to life". This of course freaks everyone out (and gives the witch doctor some major cred). And now this person was officially cursed by the witch doctor, and came back from the dead. He's a zombie! Everyone in town is now both disgusted and somewhat frightened of him, and he starts to believe the stories (and conform to the stereotypes/myths). A zombie is born!
Actually, while humanity had a ton of imagination when it comes to fearing death, nothing even came close to the modern idea of vampire.
What Europe believed in is better described as "revenants", or what we nowadays think of as "zombies." They weren't supposed to be some clever and scheming count, but mindless bloated corpses of some peasants.
Oh, and generally they'd transmit disease generally by just being there not by bit. Remember it was an era where even an educated medicus knew that diseases are transmitted by smells (no, really, the miasma theory of disease) and everyone else knew that corpses cause disease. A corpse walking around was a health hazard by itself.
And just to drive the "zombie" aspect home, most of these were supposed to be literally brain dead. E.g., the ones from an outbreak in Venice could be prevented from biting anything ever again by just shoving a brick in the corpse's mouth. Your average Dracula or White Wolf kinda vampire would be sentient enough to basically go "oh, i have a brick in my mouth" and spit it out. Heck, even the dumbest animal would. But the version those people believed in would be forever thwarted by that brick because they weren't even able to figure that out.
Other forms of thwarting an undead included the equivalent of the frat prank of tying someone's shoelaces together, except it was more like tying the ends a piece of string to the big toe on each foot. Yep, that would thwart them.
Even when myths gave them a couple of neurons still working, then they'd be riddled with a crippling OCD, so they'd irresistably stop and count the grains in a pile of rice or whatever.
Basically they're not quite the smart and scheming baron kind, nor the kind who'd blend in and maintain a Masquerade. They were mindless rotting corpses.
The modern idea of a Vampire was pretty much used invented by Polidori in "The Vampyre", sort of reused in "Carmilla" (where it got some sexual part added too), but only really became mass known via "Dracula". It's really not about any single "ancient" myth, but a mix of several of those. Including a lot of the witchcraft beliefs, incubus beliefs, and various assorted other bits and ends. And yes, some stuff taken from fairies too.
Basically what Polidori, Le Fanu and Stoker did there was already inventing a new kind of vampire and romanticizing it to appeal to their target audience. That was it, really. And each of them felt free to add a few personal touches and mix some even more unrelated mythical monsters to the definition of a Vampire, to make it even more mass-appeal. Which is basically why you've heard of Dracula over and over again, but most people never even heard of Carmilla or The Vampyre.
Complaining that someone else did the same thing is a bit silly. Yes, Twilight included some stuff from an unrelated mythical beastie. What, unlike Stoker, Anne Rice, White Wolf and everyone else... who added bits from unrelated mythical beasties too?
A polar bear is a cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.