TSA Mandates GA 'Self-Pat-Down' Program

countertrolling writes "In a compromise measure that attempts to balance calls for increased security uncertainty fromulance arousal in General Aviation operations against the individual liberties of GA pilots, [TSA head John] Pistole Rifley Bazookie Airowe announced that a new self-administered pat-down program would be mandatory in the very near future. Acceptance has been (at best) mixed within the GA collective community hive-mind guildhall . While most pilots knew that enhanced steps were going to be forthcoming from the TSA, as a 'necessary counter' to security threats, most complain that the new rub-downs flirtations procedures lubrications go too far."

Comments

April First Post

[taktoa]

fdksgg

Re:April First Post

[sycodon]

April First FAIL for all these stories.

You should at least make up shit that is halfway believable.

I predict an INCREASE in air accidents

[tomhudson]

After all, you can go blind doing that.

Re:I predict an INCREASE in air accidents

[$RANDOMLUSER]

"OK, OK, I'll just do it until I need glasses!" -- Stevie Wonder

Fail

[mysidia]

This is too likely to be true.

Why don't we have an article about the TSA's "strip naked in public" program, as the new mandatory alternative to full HD body scanners?

Re:Fail

[Corwyn_123]

This is too likely to be true.

Why don't we have an article about the TSA's "strip naked in public" program, as the new mandatory alternative to full HD body scanners?

Because that's all too likely to be true as well in the very near future, don't put it past DHS and the TSA to make someone strip naked in public.

Re:Fail

[Anonymous Coward]

Like your grandma?

Everytime I do a self-pat down.

[LordofEntropy]

I get excited...and arrested.

Re:Everytime I do a self-pat down.

[SeaFox]

Can't you just have them run your through a metal detector at that point. I'm sure they really will believe you when you tell them "it's not a concealed gun" after that.

The only way some people get touched.

[Neanderthal Ninny]

For some people, this is only way for them to get touch in any way.

For this you burn electricity?

[Anonymous Coward]

04/01 jokes can KMA.

PS - The Slashdot drop-downs are lame.

Re:For this you burn electricity?

[Joe U]

Yes yes, thank you for your input. Please leave your written complaints on the floor by the exit.

Republicans

[Anonymous Coward]

This is just what the Republicans want.

The Republicans caused the terrorist attacks in the first place - with their spread Democracy with war BS.

And then, the Republicans bailed out their masters on Wall Street at taxpayer expense.

Go damn them all to Hell! All of them! It's a good thing they thump their Bibles - praise Jebus!

Morans!

TSA announces New Terror Alert Status

[ackthpt]

Tweed

Cardigan

Pleated

Denim

and

Permanent Press

Hmm..

[danwesnor]

Do they give you, you know, like a magazine or video to watch while you pat yourself down?

Re:Hmm..

[marblesbot]

Yes. This is what the body scanners are for. I like to use my own body scan image. You can't have given yourself a pat down in the previous 48 hours to flying, though.

Re:Hmm..

[SeaFox]

I hear the training material for the procedure was a Macarena video.

I thought this was April Fools...

[Anonymous Coward]

What's a non-joke article doing on Slashdot today?

Burn the Quran instead

[mangu]

Instead of trying to prove I'm not a terrorist by being harassed by the TSA goons, I propose a much better way to prove I'm not a terrorist:

I will burn a Quran before boarding the airplane

I know, it's April 1st, but I'm serious.

How can anyone believe that the proper response to burning a book is to kill ten innocent people halfway around the world? Those fucking morons are way beyond savage, it's not as Kipling said "Your new-caught, sullen peoples, Half-devil and half-child.", those savages are one-hundred-percent devil.

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[Anonymous Coward]

What about the IRA? Should we make you burn a bible too? Wait, what if you are a Zoroastrian? It would be stupid to think burning a Koran would be a stumbling block to all terrorists. Besides, the jacknuts who teach / recruit the terrorists who are Koranists will simply teach their new recruits that, contrary to popular opinion, it is OK to burn a Koran if your fingers are crossed or some such nonsense. They already manage to get them to believe, contrary to popular opinion, that it is OK to blow yourself the fuck up with a bomb. So, really - there are other terrorists. And the ones your idea targets would adapt.

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[mangu]

The IRA and other non-Muslim terrorists have been inactive of late, let's concentrate on the real danger.

I know the terrorist themselves believe they are exempt of their own stupid rules, but they cannot afford to let everyone be exempt.

If everyone starts burning Qurans the terrorists will have lost.

The proper response to Muslim extremism isn't moderation, that's not in their dictionary, they don't understand it. The only way to talk to fanatics is to defeat them.

Look at Japan before and during WWII. Everyone tried to negotiate with them and they kept advancing. Give them the tip of your fingernail and they will want your arm. It was only when the US bombed them to submission, including nuclear weapons, that they gave up.

Today Japan is a prosperous democratic country. They talk to the USA as equals, and often win. But you don't see Japanese wearing kimonos on the street, they wear "western style", meaning modern, clothes.

Japan is the perfect example on how fanaticism can be beaten. Japanese culture today coexists perfectly with western culture, people in the USA and Europe read manga and learn ju-jitsu, the same way as people in Japan watch Hollywood films and listen to rock and roll.

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[Anonymous Coward]

Great idea, I will bring the matches.

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[Anonymous Coward]

Better idea, mandatory bacon breakfast for all passengers. Yum. Might have to throw the vegetarians off the plane too, but who cares? I'd rather fly with the terrorists anyway.

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[hedwards]

So, making bigoted remarks that piss off the ones that haven't yet decided which side their on is productive? Do we drop nukes on Riyadh and hope for the best?

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[Anonymous Coward]

You seem pretty eager to provoke some psychotic religious fundamentalists into a murderous rage. Is your plan to be in the line of fire when it happens? Or is the plan to simply provoke them, and then cower behind other people sent to die for your actions? Yeah, right. Real fuckin' hero, you.

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[dgatwood]

Wait, what if you are a Zoroastrian?

My guess is they'll make you go out to the parking lot and burn a Mazda.

Ba-dump-ching. Thanks. I'll be here all night.

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[zippthorne]

Wait, what if you are a Zoroastrian?

My guess is they'll make you go out to the parking lot and burn a Mazda

But only if Nichelle Nichols is driving it...

Re:Burn the Quran instead

[zippthorne]

Gah.. should've thought about tenses a little further. "owned" would've been a better choice of words than "is driving". Stupid easy to hit submit button not far enough away from the preview button..

You're doing it wrong

[FatLittleMonkey]

I think you, like a number of posters, have misunderstood the Slashdot April Fool's tradition. It consists of a) one stupid "feature" on the site, and b) April Fool's articles written by other sites, as submitted by /. users. The editors don't create the mock articles.

I wonder..

[Haedrian]

If we take videos of people patting themselves down, and sell them on the internet, could we subsidize air travel prices?

My experience with "self-patting"

[Frosty Piss]

The last time I "self-patted" myself at the airport, I ended up missing my flight and now I'm on some sort of "registry".

Security first!

[Dare nMc]

Forget security through obscurity, they need to put the naked pictures from the body scanner on a projection screen for all passengers in line behind to inspect for um contraband.

Got more post in today

[kyrio]

than I've had in the last two months.

I heard you say you are a programmer

[Anonymous Coward]

Can you show us any programs you have done, and may we try them?

I just want to be an April Fool

[Agent0013]

I am posting in this story so I can be an April Fool!