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The Science of Lightsabers
sethmad writes "As everyone who's ever passed the GRE knows, there are two major hypothetical operational problems with Star Wars lightsabers. More accurately I should say there were two problems, because I solved both of them."
More accurately I should say there were two problems, because I solved both of them.
What are your patent numbers? :-)
We would call them Torches you idiot!
If you're using a magnetic field to control the plasma then any magnet can still interfere with the light saber. For some reason I was expecting a much more technical article than 'its got a metal rod in the center, tada!'
Come on. Half the comments on this story are probably going to be better than this dork's.
A light saber that used plasma would likely be hot. Hot enough that holding it would get very uncomfortable, magnetic field or no. And if the magnetic field is confining it, how does it get through the porous metal? Without destroying the metal? Where does the plasma come from if it's constantly leaking out? Why do lightsabers require focusing gems? How does a light saber deflect blaster and laser hits that would otherwise melt metal? How can lightsabers be an ancient weapon and the guy who designed them is still living on some planet somewhere?
What's a GRE and why would passing one allow you to know hypothetical problems with Star Wars tech. I passed a truck full of pigs on the 401 and the only thing I learned is "stay upwind of the pig trucks"
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If said guy used the extend-able metal tube to drink his own urine, chances are good it was Bear Grylls.
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I'd like to say this was copied from the TV series in which Dr. Michio Kaku presented the exact same "solutions" to those two lightsaber problems (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSNubaa7n9o), but in the same series he also discusses a time travel machine, so who know; he may have copied the ideas from this kid.
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I don't remember where I've heard this before, but I've definitely heard it. But there are some very large problems you haven't solved.
First, this is still going to require a large amount of energy. Where does that come from? And if you've got something superheated into a plasma, how do you keep the metal from melting?
Second, as others have pointed out, you haven't actually solved the magnetic-field problem. Basically, any Jedi could have his lightsaber entirely disabled, or even turned back on him, by inducing a magnetic field on the room he's in.
Third, it doesn't explain the part where lightsabers are incredibly difficult to wield, due to weird gyroscopic effects, such that only someone with force-sensitive reflexes should be able to wield them properly. Ok, Han Solo can cut open a tauntaun, but that's a pretty crude motion -- try to swing it around, and if you're not careful, you could end up cutting yourself as easily as your opponent.
Fourth (!), what are blaster bolts, and how does a lightsaber deflect them? It makes very little sense to suppose that a blaster bolt is just some plasma wrapped around a tube in the same way -- that seems awfully complicated compared to alternatives like just firing the plasma as a projectile -- and then, why would they bounce off force fields the way they do, as if they were somehow slowly-moving laser light?
Finally, how do you explain the phenomena in Episode 1... Alright, maybe you want to pretend that didn't exist, but this phenomena is fairly commonly observed and generally accepted as something that it'd be reasonable for a lightsaber to do. Anyway, what about the point where Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are trying to break into a room by slowly melting the blast door with their lightsabers? I suppose the metal rod could be collapsing, but then I'd expect that when you pull it out, it'll have to slowly extend again -- and it also suggests that lightsabers would collapse entirely too easily. If they're made of light, this makes much more sense, but then we have all the same problems as light.
So, cool idea, but let's just accept that Star Wars is science fantasy. It's enjoyable science fantasy, and there's no shame in wanting to be a jedi, but you'll never have a lightsaber. (Also, there's no Santa. Sorry.)
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He hasn't solved the most difficult problem, though: the noise. Normally, a light saber like that would be completely silent. How do you let it make those whooshing sounds?
The same way you did with a stick when you were a kid. Make "Vruu Vruu" noises while swinging it. ;-)
I bet there's an app for that already :-)
Anything with a big 'ol vibrating transformer in it will make a similar noise. My dad has a power conditioner on his computer that makes a similar noise if you pick it up and swing it around.
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midichlorian waste. when yoda says, "luminous beings are we" he's describing how someone is full of glowing damaging midichlorian poop. a lightsaber draws this toxic waste out of a jedi's body like tanuki foot pads, stores it, and focuses it as a weapon. midichlorian poop behaves EXACTLY like a light saber. Problem solved. It's how it works.
btw: do you feel tired? do you not have as much energy as you want? As someone with innate jedi abilities, you really need to take special care of yourself. You are probably full of toxic midichlorian waste. I suggest buying my magnetic rare earth bracelets. may the force be with you.
Has a lightsaber ever been totally destroyed on screen? I remember at least one being cut in half or disabled and even that would be terrifying if the power source were anti-matter. Remember, any containment failure will result in all that energy, enough to melt through a meter thick blast door in Ep 1 without concern, being released instantly.
I once had a discussion about light sabers with a Olympic fencing gold medalist. His job was sword fighting and his main gripe with light sabers (which was not addressed in this article) was that since the blade is made of light, it has no weight and thus the speed of your strikes is not limited by the blade in any way, only by how fast you can manipulate the handle. In his opinion (and mine) this would make saber duels quite short indeed.
Anything with a big 'ol vibrating transformer in it will make a similar noise.
No. Those make the wokk wokk wokk sound when they transform from a 14-inch phallus that goes bzzzzzzzzrrrrrrzzzzzrrrrrrrrrrzzz into a Harley-Davidson V-Rod Muscle 1250, that goes chugchug chugchug chugchug... ROARRRRR!. My lesbian aunt keeps one in her purse.
Oh. Sorry. I thought you said "transforming vibrator."
My mistake.
I can see the fnords!