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Ukrainian Attack Dolphins Are On the Loose
Hugh Pickens writes "The Ukrainian Navy has a small problem on their hands. The Atlantic reports that, after rebooting the Soviet Union's marine mammal program last year with the goal of teaching dolphins to find underwater mines and kill enemy divers, three of the Ukrainian military's new recruits have gone AWOL. Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate' out in open waters. It might not be such a big deal except that these dolphins have been trained to 'attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.' Dolphins were trained at Sevastopol for the Soviet Navy as far back as 1973 to find military equipment such as sea mines on the seabed as well as attacking divers and even carrying explosives on their heads to plant on enemy ships. The U.S. has its own dolphin program in San Diego with 40 trained dolphins and sea lions and another 50 in training. U.S. Navy dolphins were deployed in Bahrain in 1987 during a period when Iran was laying down mines in the Persian Gulf to disrupt oil shipments. No word yet on whether
'sharks with frickin' laser beams attached' have been added to the U.S. arsenal." Update: 03/14 14:55 GMT by T : Note that (as the Atlantic has updated their story reached via above link) while there really are militarized dolphins in use around the world, this particular story turns out to be an elaborate prank.
Bad enough when you just had to worry about them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLEb-iCQqec&feature=player_embedded">raping you or beating you up. Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.
The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!
Your political party doesn't care about your rights and only represents corporate interests.
Lemme guess - with frickin' lasers, right?
This entire thing is fabricated, anybody with 2 brain cells to rub together doesn't even need to RTFA, it's obvious from the summary but even from the headline.
You can't handle the truth.
"So long, and thanks for all the fish!"
and dolphins instead of sharks?!?!?
stephen
http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/
You just can't make this stuff up. These people get paid to do this.
This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news
http://www.foxnews.com/science/2013/03/13/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-not-roaming-seas-for-romance/
First linked article already mentions this being fake in an update
Title of the first article:
"Update: Ukrainian Military Dolphins Not Actually on the Loose"
Apparently it was a partial hoax or something like that.
This is from october of last year: http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2012/10/dolphins/?fb_action_ids=10151480427414906&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582
Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75. -Benjamin Franklin
Did they check the local bars and whorehouses?
How about this for a story that is similarly unbelievable?
Putin has released Khodorkovski from jail.
Tentacle manga: Tokyo is under attack by a 100 meter monster.
French president has revealed his plan for a balanced budget and a trade balance that does not involve more taxes.
Yeah, all of these may appear on the front page of /., would you also believe it if you saw it?
You can't handle the truth.
And "Unknown Lamer" is a dumbshit that can't even check Google News before posting this idiotic shit.
While this is a hoax, bet you the next blockbuster movie is going to be a teenaged mutant ninja dolphin version of Jaws Two.
Funny my Capitcha is impetus
dolphins with frikin lasers attached to their head
Don't Tell Me What I Can't Do!
Are these war-surplus dolphins addicted to heroin?
the preceding comment is my own and in no way reflects the opinion of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Is this the beginnig?
Once again the Simpsons predicted it.
I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overloads.
April 1st is still a few weeks away
We must arm sharks with lasers!
Sdelat' Ameriku velikoy Snova!
Well, the gun Dolphins won't be too much of a danger unless they're right on you, thanks to underwater ballistics.
The knifers, oh shit.
No need to worry about lasers. Attenuation underwater is a bitch.
Still waiting on Serviscope_minor to wake up to fucking reality and realize that Jessica Price isn't going to fuck him.
The US navy has been training orcas to attack dolphins who are attacking enemy swimmers. Don't woory folks, soon the oceans will be off limits to everyone except for trained combat specialists.
It's coming true, next up mind controlled squids.
Next: Fukushima accident opens demonic portal! Bat boy discovered in Gotham City sewers! Alien life found! (yeah, dupe) Slashdot editor edits story! (ok too implausible even for this site)
Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.
So, they left to get laid?
I'm waiting for the NRA to use this in its lobbying, pointing out that it's easier for a dolphin in the Ukraine to legally acquire a gun than for a human in the U.S. They may take it a step further and claim that there is an ever-growing need for assault weapons at the beach now that foreign countries are arming their wildlife and setting them free in the ocean.
The "one piece" is the idea that they were trained to kill, and that they escaped. So other than they not being killer, nor escaped, yes - there are dolphins. Good job, "Unknown Lamer"
In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.
If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.
the ukraine is weak
I still have armys in the Ukrainain
Where's my sharks with lasers?
Guns don't kill people. Dolphins do.
Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.
Dolphins make love, not war. Mabye they really are the smartest creatures on earth.
attack of the monster Dolphins on the syfy channel monster movie of the week.
Last week germs from Lake Vostok, this week this
We're living in a pulp fiction sci-fi
And it's awesome.
...welcome our new tursiops truncatus overlords.
Religous speak to God. Insane are spoken to by God. When all shut up, one can finally hear Shostakovich in peace
I said sharks with lasers attached to their foreheads not dolphins with knives or guns YOU IDIOT!!!
there was a book.. and film about dolphins that were trained to talk and in some way involved in an assassination attempt on the president of the USA.
ive never read the book.. and the movie wasnt all that great..
its worth a look if youre in to 70s stuff!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Day_of_the_Dolphin
After the dolphins are kidnapped, an investigation by an undercover government agent for hire, Curtis Mahoney (Paul Sorvino) reveals that the Institute is planning to further train the dolphins to carry out a political assassination by having them place a limpet mine on the hull of the yacht of the President of the United States.
http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/
Right. No, your other right. No, the other other right.
Are they ill tempered?
Update! Sad news, friends. It turns out that one piece of the Ukrainian dolphin story is, in fact, a hoax. No dolphins from the Ukrainian army's complement have actually escaped, according to this newspaper report. The hoax began with this faked report from the museum director, which led to a story by RIA Novosti.
Now you wonder where he gets it.
He heard it on slashdot.
sharks with the lasers.
Be seeing you...
Hoax? Sure, but think of a dolphin in a pool throwing out clicks designed to traverse leagues and fathoms of seawater-- an enclosed pool would function much like an echo-chamber. Oh, but we are learning their language... IN AN ECHO CHAMBER? Through the 80s, I recall NASA soliciting primary school students for ideas about what experiments might be conducted on the space shuttle in 0g conditions. And that was very thoughtful. But it was public relations to suggest something other than the cargo of satellites to be launched from low orbit now forming a sphere of space junk so dense further "research" is imperiled. The science of training animals is highly classified, and likely of a sordid history to be revealed. Stories like this will confound what fog of war surrounds the practice.
Would were! Should is! Could be! And live a hundred times three.
Do you honestly think a single person on Slashdot actually clicked this story looking for serious information? Not a chance in hell. I promise you, every single one of us that isn't a first time visitor, came to this story for one thing, and one thing only: to read the ridiculously funny as hell comments on the dumbest fucking story of the day!
lol
Followed up by the history channel special on the secrets of Alien Dolphins.
"I opened my eyes, and everything went dark again"
"Say 'ello to my little friend!"
Cow and Boy Have a "whale" of a good time this weekend.
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." -- Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
In Soviet Russia, Dolphin harpoons you!
Actually, Its would think it more likely they would be known as the C-Team!
In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.
If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.
... ever discover fire, we're all doomed.
Oh, wait...
"The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes" - Winston Churchill
I seem to remeber something very similar after Hurricane Katrina a few years back.
http://science.slashdot.org/story/05/09/25/1850228/armed-dolphins-released-into-gulf-of-mexico
When people ask if I'm an optimist, I say "I hope so". --Bill Bailey
Loose Seal!!!!
http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/ "Update: Ukrainian Military Dolphins Not Actually on the Loose"