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Marriages Spawned From Online Dating As Satisfying As From Traditional Dating

Posted by ryuzaki0 on from the i-really-love-computers dept.

sciencehabit writes "Millions of people first met their spouses through online dating. But how have those marriages fared compared with those of people who met in more traditional venues such as bars or parties? Pretty well, according to a new study. A survey of nearly 20,000 Americans reveals that marriages between people who met online are at least as stable and satisfying as those who first met in the real world—possibly more so."

47 of 313 comments (clear)

  1. Why should it be any different? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 3, Interesting

    I mean, if anything it should be better, it's much easier to vet and eliminate chicks online. If they send a message 'how r u 2day??' you know to move on. I met my wife online and have been married for 3 years.

    1. Re:Why should it be any different? by starworks5 · · Score: 5, Interesting

      My Wife and I got married on OKcupid. I have to say that it worked out okay, despite the difficulty of long distance for a year, travelling across the country every 2 months.

      However I think that online provides a different veil from what you get IRL, Because your able to filter out what you want to say to a person, though its easier to narrow down interests.

      On one side I married a beautiful geek woman who is motivated to change the world, on the other side I didn't know about the extent of the despression / suicidal thoughts from abuse and neglect.

      YMMV

    2. Re:Why should it be any different? by DFurno2003 · · Score: 5, Insightful

      "on the other side I didn't know about the extent of the despression / suicidal thoughts from abuse and neglect." Don't worry, her parents weren't going to let that slip to any IRL Suitors either.

    3. Re:Why should it be any different? by countach · · Score: 4, Interesting

      I "dated" a woman online, and found out about her depression and suicidal thoughts after a couple of weeks, so I wouldn't assume that online is always a better way to hide stuff. In some cases the distance gives you an objectivity missing from real life. It all depends.

    4. Re:Why should it be any different? by Penguinisto · · Score: 5, Interesting

      I can agree to that.

      I met my missus online while farting around online. We spent the first few hours together in a chat at an online forum, tossing sarcasm at a TV documentary on love while it was being broadcast. Found out she lived across town... long story short, we wound up married a little over a year later.

      It is amazing how you can not only assess her intelligence, but it's easier to be yourself when you're not distracted by deep green eyes and a gravity-defying bustline.

      --
      Quo usque tandem abutere, Nimbus, patientia nostra?
    5. Re:Why should it be any different? by Penguinisto · · Score: 5, Interesting

      All joking aside, I should add a PS: It's been 7 years since we met.

      It's like any other marriage, really... you still have to work at it. You still have to wake up next to her. You still have to debate, argue, compromise, and most importantly? In spite of my peking on a laptop and her messing about on an iPad 3 feet away, you still have to get along in real life.

      Online is just one of many ways to meet someone initially... it still takes a shitload of work to make it work.

      IMHO? I spite of the rather adventurous life we've led together since (both for good and ill), it's still worth it. :)

      --
      Quo usque tandem abutere, Nimbus, patientia nostra?
    6. Re:Why should it be any different? by flimflammer · · Score: 4, Interesting

      Your story rings similar to mine. We haven't gotten married yet (known her for several years and been together for almost as long) and I didn't meet her on a dating website but a regular forum that I co-ran. Same kind of girl as mine. The whole depression angle seems to be a common one when you get into relationships online.

    7. Re:Why should it be any different? by mcvos · · Score: 4, Insightful

      People don't advertise their mental illnesses in bars either. You usually find out that stuff by meeting them in person and getting to know them. And you're going to do that anyway, no matter how you met them, as that's the entire point, isn't it?

    8. Re:Why should it be any different? by mcvos · · Score: 5, Insightful

      More importantly, you get to focus on interests and personality before you even meet. In bars, you're more likely to focus on looks, on "I'd like to tap that ass", and that's not a great basis for a stable long-term relationship.

      My wife of 5.5 years and I originally noticed each other because of our shared interest in sailing, foreign countries and religion (and indeed basic literacy), but it's when we started mailing, and then calling, and then meeting in person, that we discovered how well we matched in other, more subtle and intangible ways. The physical match is important, but so is the mental/psychological match, and that's so easily forgotten when you start with the physical match right away.

    9. Re:Why should it be any different? by mcvos · · Score: 5, Interesting

      Can someone please mod parent all the way up?

      There's no silver bullet to make relationships work. Online can be an excellent way to meet the right person, but every relationship takes work, commitment and compromise.

    10. Re:Why should it be any different? by lxs · · Score: 4, Informative

      Because you're a sad and cynical basement dweller who tries to make himself feel better by putting others down? Funny thing, it turns out that thinking that way only makes you feel worse.

    11. Re:Why should it be any different? by r1348 · · Score: 4, Insightful

      Don't even tell me about long distance relationships, my wife and I are from two different countries (I'm Italian, she's Polish), and had to fly to each other for 3 years... $deity bless low-cost flights!
      Actually I accidentally stumbled on her on ICQ while I was looking for another girl, figures. We were teens back then and we were just good online friends for years, while both of us had other relations IRL.
      Then the year I started working I was left home alone for summer while my parents were on vacation, so I decided to invite her to stay at my home. I really didn't have plans, I just wanted to meet an interesting person I've been interacting with for years. One year later we were engaged, but had to wait another two years before getting married as she was finishing her studies.
      We're now happily married for 4 years, I know it's not long enough for drawing anything conclusive, but it feels good and I'm not regretting anything.
      On a side note, we're pretty different people, she's not really the geeky kind, even though she has a great interest in literature and language (she's got an MA in English Philology), but I find having someone with such different points of view to debate with actually stimulating.

    12. Re:Why should it be any different? by Intrepid+imaginaut · · Score: 3, Insightful

      OR you can simply not get married and don't take on all the legal and emotional baggage that comes with the most peculiar institution. If a woman doesn't want to be with you unless you get married, she's not after your personality and chiseled jaw buddy.

    13. Re:Why should it be any different? by cayenne8 · · Score: 4, Interesting

      Same kind of girl as mine. The whole depression angle seems to be a common one when you get into relationships online.

      That's one thing about NOT getting married younger, once you get past a certain age, what's left out there is largely damaged goods, lots of crazy chicks out there. Not all, but a LOT of them. After a few years, you start catching the good ones coming out of bad marriages, many of those are damaged too, BUT, if you find one coming of marriage that didn't go off the deep end, you have a pretty good, strong minded woman which is kinda nice.

      Trouble is with the latter one, you have to possibly put up with kids....ugh. However, meet them a few years after that, often the kids will be old enough to be out of, or just about out of the house, then, you don't really have that much interaction with them, or dependence issues.

      But yeah, you gotta watch out, lots of crazies out there...crazies are often fun in the sack, but be careful not to get too close or attached to them, they can really spin your world badly.

      --
      Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.........
    14. Re:Why should it be any different? by Grizzley9 · · Score: 3, Informative

      You've been modded Flamebait for some odd reason, bitter Slashdotters? But you're right. 3 years is not a happy, successful, long term marriage. If/when they make it past 10, then we'll talk.

    15. Re:Why should it be any different? by mcvos · · Score: 3, Interesting

      Physical attraction isn't going anywhere, but it's rarely been the sole basis of a relationship. During many of those thousands of years, economic security was a far more important pillar. Sometimes marriages were arranged. Sometimes it was simply a matter of whoever was available in the village. It's only recently that people have gotten really picky with unrealistic romantic expectations. Online dating makes it easier for picky people to find someone suitable.

    16. Re:Why should it be any different? by Kelbear · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I don't think that the way in which you meet a person matter nearly as much as how the two people choose to behave towards each other. It's a long series of compromises on one side or the other or ideally on both sides.

      A lot of people hunger to meet that "perfect" mate, but that mindset is a little silly, how could anyone personify such a fantasy? The "perfect" mate is a caricature, not a person, because real people have flaws. Good relationships can work on problems or work around problems, but if the people involved are holding out for perfection they don't work as hard at it.

      I completely agree that differences aren't necessarily a bad thing, differences between people can add additional perspective to the relationship. If they learn to appreciate each other's differences, the couple can gain as a whole.

    17. Re:Why should it be any different? by sabri · · Score: 3, Insightful

      But surely after 10 years, "how you met" has faded into insignificance, compared with all the other factors that strengthen or weaken the marriage.

      I beg to differ. How you met is very significant. If you meet your future wife in some bar in some small town in some flyover state, you may have actually settled with much less that you desired, simply because the pool of available future spouses was very small at the time.

      The long term success of your marriage will be based on its foundation. If the foundation is nothing more than your spouse being a hot chick or hunk, you're gonna have a bad time. If, on the other hand, you and your spouse have matching interests, goals in life and a similar long term plan, you have an actual chance of defeating the divorce odds.

      Online datingsites give you the ability to weed out anyone who is out of your league (and vice versa, for tha tmatter), and enable you to match on important stuff, not just the exterior.

      --
      I'm not a complete idiot... Some parts are missing.
    18. Re:Why should it be any different? by Grishnakh · · Score: 3, Insightful

      Yes, I know, "opposites attract," but the theme of online dating usually seems to be "find another Christian, like you," or "find another non-drinker, like you," or "find a geek, like you," or.... well, you get the picture: "find another you." So my impression, at least, is that online dating helps you find someone who is either like you or who already likes someone like you.

      And what's the problem with that? Many people have certain things they're looking for in a partner, and with online dating you can much more quickly find available people who have those characteristics. Many, many Christians do NOT want to date non-Christians; their pastors constantly tell them "don't be unequally yoked" (translation: don't date non-Christians), so they just look for partners at their little church, and of course that's not much of a supply. Online dating lets them find people who go to different churches. Or, my personal problem, I don't drink (beyond a glass of wine once in a while), so I don't frequent bars and I'm not interested in dating alcoholics (which is what you'll likely find at a bar), so personally I had tons of trouble ever finding a date when I was younger; with online dating, you can meet people who also aren't big drinkers. For some odd reason, in America, there are only two primary places to find dates in "meatspace": in bars and in churches. So if you're neither an alcoholic nor a holy-roller, and if you're a male who works in a male-dominated industry (engineering and IT), you might find yourself with few decent options besides online dating.

  2. That bad huh? by pngwen · · Score: 5, Funny

    Good thing I did it the traditional / free way. I would have felt ripped off it was no better ;P

    (Note: I love my wife very much. I just have a twisted sense of humor.)

    --
    I am the penguin that codes in the night.
    1. Re:That bad huh? by CaptainLard · · Score: 5, Funny

      I've heard of low maintenance but if you think $30/mo to meet your wife means getting ripped off, you must have hit the jackpot with her! For the rest of us, cash pours out of our wallets like outdated memes in a slashdot post. Enjoy your early retirement.

    2. Re:That bad huh? by Cenan · · Score: 3, Insightful

      I've known many guys who talked pretty much like that. High standards that don't apply to themselves, and for some odd reason - they're all single. Baffling.

      --
      ... whatever ...
    3. Re:That bad huh? by Cenan · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I don't want to be embarassed when others see me with her, nor do I want her to be embarassed when others see her with me.

      That's not a girlfriend, that's a tattoo.

      Online dating--the person representing themselves as a woman could be catfishing and really be a man. Of they could be bisexual. Or they may be a heterosexual woman but they photoshopped their picture. They may want someone's person information and then not give much information themselves.

      Online dating is not a substitute for meeting in person, it is a way to extend your reach for a higher chance of meeting someone compatible, and then meeting in person. And so what if the one you've set up a date with turns out to be a lesbian dolphin trainer? Worst case scenario: you wasted an evening and have a new story to tell.

      --
      ... whatever ...
    4. Re:That bad huh? by mcvos · · Score: 3, Insightful

      I don't want to be embarassed when others see me with her, nor do I want her to be embarassed when others see her with me.

      If you're dating for other people instead of each other, don't bother. Fuck what other people think. If you've found the right person, your real friends will accept him/her. If it's all about image, you're not ready for a serious relationship.

  3. As satisfying as... by morcego · · Score: 5, Funny

    Marriages Spawned From Online Dating As Satisfying As From Traditional Dating: NOT AT ALL.

    --
    morcego
  4. Communication is the key by WegianWarrior · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Caveat: I meet my Significant Other online, although not on a dating site.
    The benefit of meeting online is that you're pretty much forced to talk, and talk, and talk. It's not like you can take them to a movie and then then make out in the back of the car - instead you'll have to show them that you're a likeable person they would like to spend more time with. Goes double when you're on different continents and all that... before either party gets on a plane both parties needs to be sure that they are comfertable with seeing this person they have talked to for a while. On the other hand, the guy you ran into in the coffee-shop who ask you out to see a movie may be the biggest creep in modern history - and if you let him drive you home he knows where you live :/
    TL:DR; Online dating works because you must talk and reveal yourself to the other before meeting.

    --
    Everything in the world is controlled by a small, evil group to which, unfortunately, no one you know belongs.
    1. Re:Communication is the key by fahrbot-bot · · Score: 5, Insightful

      The benefit of meeting online is that you're pretty much forced to talk, and talk, and talk. It's not like you can take them to a movie and then then make out in the back of the car - instead you'll have to show them that you're a likeable person they would like to spend more time with. On the other hand, the guy you ran into in the coffee-shop who ask you out to see a movie may be the biggest creep in modern history

      Ya. Now if only there were a way to meet and talk and talk and talk with a person face-to-face, in-real-life, instead of *having* to go to a movie and then make out in the car...

      TL:DR; Online dating works because you must talk and reveal yourself to the other before meeting.

      IRL dating works because you must talk and reveal yourself to the other *during* the meeting.

      As for me, I met my wife in 1985 (when I was 22 and she 41) when I helped her to set up her new home (after she separated from her second husband). After a few days, she offered to pay me for all my work and I suggested she take me out to dinner instead. We were together for 20.5 years before she died in 2006 of a brain tumor - just seven weeks after diagnosis. (I haven't dated anyone since.) Remember Sue...

      YMMV

      --
      It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
    2. Re:Communication is the key by countach · · Score: 3, Interesting

      Wow, a woman 19 years older. That's unusual. Even more so that it lasted.

      "Now if only there were a way to meet and talk and talk and talk with a person face-to-face, in-real-life, instead of *having* to go to a movie and then make out in the car."

      Ha ha. The reality is, in real life there will be an expectation of some kind of physical contact rather soonish (unless you are in Iran or something), and that can tend to muddle things. In your case, you got to know her through NOT dating, so you got to know her a bit prior to any such expectations.

    3. Re:Communication is the key by slim · · Score: 5, Insightful

      When I was "doing" online dating, I took the view that meeting up should be done pretty early on. Two weeks of chatting online, maximum, before meeting for a coffee, or a meal, or whatever.

      Why:
        - If they don't want to meet in person, they're timewasters. It may not be their fault -- but this is going nowhere. Feel free to keep talking to them online, if it gives you pleasure, but expect no more to come of it.
        - Only by meeting up, can you establish whether there's a real mutual attraction. If there's none, you might continue to be friends anyway. But if romance isn't on the cards, it's worth knowing early.
        - It's nerve jangling, but it's fun!

      If you're morbidly obese, then quite separate from wanting companionship, you should do something about it. Seriously. But I expect you know that.

  5. Uhhh... by Obfuscant · · Score: 5, Insightful

    This is like saying that raspberry pies baked with raspberries you go to the store to buy taste the same as raspberry pies baked with raspberries your spouse buys from the store. Same raspberries, same cook, just a different way of getting the starting ingredients.

  6. It expands your dating circle by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    How many people prior to the 90s had to settle for whoever they met in a 50 mile radius of their place of birth?

    1. Re:It expands your dating circle by NeoMorphy · · Score: 5, Insightful

      How many people prior to the 90s had to settle for whoever they met in a 50 mile radius of their place of birth?

      Thank you! Somebody who get's it.

      It's amazing how many idiots can't grasp this simple concept. The biggest advantage of online dating is it allows you to network yourself in the dating world more effectively. It's not like you can go into a bar and yell "I'm a computer geek who is looking for a single intelligent and attractive woman who is interested in techies who look like me! I'm going to Comic Con this weekend, any takers?", Nobody?? Fine, I'm off to the next bar.

      What if your soul mate doesn't hang out in bars, or other social venues? Not much chance of it happening, is it?

      IRL?? What do you Neo-Luddites think happens? Do you think we all jump into virtual reality and live our lives there? Of course IRL meetings happen, it's part of the process. Online interaction is not substituted for face-to-face interaction, it's a step before face-to-face interaction. Even better, it facilitates face-to-face interactions between people who would otherwise never meet, even though they are a good match.

      For those "The old-fashion way is the best, I walked up to my future wife and started talking to her", really? Do you have psychic powers that let you home in on the right one? Or did you marry the first girl who would talk to you?

      I met my current wife on OkCupid, and OMG I can't believe how much I am in love with her. She's awesome! Would I have met her without online resources? Not likely. Different states, different circles etc. But we were able to discover someone that extremely interested us. There was no other way it could have happened, other than developing psychic powers!

      Am I the only one who thinks it's very bizarre that there are people interacting on an online forum who don't understand the concept of people interacting online?

  7. maybe I am reading this wrong by Osgeld · · Score: 4, Funny

    online dating has as much chance of long term success as picking up a drunk chick in a bar?

  8. Yeah, helps to find that one-in-a-million by raymorris · · Score: 3, Informative

    I was looking for a special lady, a one-in-a-million. (Okay, so maybe one in ten thousand.). It's REALLY hard to meet and sift through a thousand women just meeting people around town. I tried, and I did have brief conversations with 60-120 or so, and had lunch with 20-30. Online, I had more available women to see, with tools to narrow it down before starting up a conversation.

    I married my one-in-a-million five years ago.

    (My first marriage taught me that choosing from the five or ten available women in my social circle was a REALLY bad idea.)

  9. Agreed - my story by ciurana · · Score: 3, Interesting

    Dang it - I wasn't logged on last time and my post ended in Anonymous Coward limbo...

    My girlfriend and I met through a dating service when I was living in Russia. We've lived happily for two years, have a child, and I wouldn't change anything in how we met, or the wonderful times we've spent all over the world since (we've lived in Russia, the Ukraine, Mexico, Switzerland and San Francisco since). The best part about the on-line dating aspect was that we could spend lots and lots of time discussing various topics of interest to both of us, comparing our values, and otherwise communicating in a cool way that would've taken a lot longer in-person.

    Another great aspect of on-line dating is that you aren't limited to one person at a time. You can screen (and be screened) much faster, and you can then cherry pick with whom you'll invest time for the in-person dates and so on.

    Disclaimer: at the time I was the VP of technology for Badoo, so I was in a position to use the service as much as I could or wanted. I didn't have to pay for the additional services (e.g. gifts, Super Powers, etc.) so it was easy for us to spend as much time on the service as we wished. My opinions on the subject are biased because of this -- but I'd still recommend anyone looking for a mate to try the on-line dating service that better works for their tastes.

    Cheers!

    E

    --
    http://eugeneciurana.com | http://ciurana.eu
  10. Re:re Online Dating is Out! by jelizondo · · Score: 5, Informative

    I usually don't respond to Anonymous Cowards but this time it's just too good to pass..

    I live in Mexico, where the official divorce rate is 15% (per the article linked) versus 53% in the U.S. (Disclosure: I am a Mexican national, married twice to Mexicans.)

    Funny thing, off the top of my head I can mention two close friends, both married 30+ years: one couple has spelt is separate rooms for years, the other one officially is still married, but they live in separate houses.

    Why won't they divorce? Social pressure: family ties, what would the neighbors think?, I couldn't go to church being divorced...

    You are mistaken lower divorce rates do not mean happier marriages... Just enduring hell.

    --
    Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out. - Cardinal Wolsey
  11. What about arranged marriages? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    There are 56 posts and nobody asked about arranged marriages? Or other forms of pair bonding. I am disappointed in you nerds.

  12. Marriage Satisfaction Correlation To Meeting Means by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 4, Interesting

    My ultra-orthodox Jewish grandparents lived in a society where fixed marriage was pretty much the norm, and that's what they did as well. Anecdotaly, it never seemed to me like that generation had worse marriage. More rigorous methods are unavailable: there probably aren't reliable questionaires in fixed-marriage societies, and other posters have pointed out that divorce rates can be misleading. I wonder if the key to a happy marriage is just managing your expectations.

  13. Why stop there? by Noah69 · · Score: 5, Funny

    I actually went one step further and had an online wedding. It went surprisingly well until it became obvious that my future wife couldn't hold a positive K/D and was called a n00b faggot by the pastor. Worst day of my life, I even spent like five bucks on a custom suit character skin.

  14. Re:Simple reason by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    because we can change the aspect ratio of our dicks in Photoshop

    I got a Division by Zero error

  15. Oh man by no-body · · Score: 3, Insightful

    It's a fantasy and illusion - why should there be any difference at all?

  16. Lola by RedHackTea · · Score: 4, Funny

    I met a girl recently at a bar where she approached and asked me to dance under electric candlelight. Her voice was dark brown like sweet molasses, like a guy actually. I'm not the most physical guy, but whenever she hugs me, it almost breaks my spine. She said that she'll make me a man soon... I hope it works out.

    --
    The G
  17. Re:Adopt-a-pet by LynnwoodRooster · · Score: 3, Funny

    Reminds me of this saying:

    DUCT TAPE: Turns "NO NO NO!" into "Mmm Mmm Mmm!"

    --
    Browsing at +1 - no ACs, I ignore their posts. So refreshing!
  18. Worked well for me by Bruinwar · · Score: 3, Interesting

    Anicdotal yes, but.... I met my late wife back in 1996 in IRC (a gaming channel ha, imagine). She moved from LA to live with me in Michigan (again, imagine ha!) We were married in 1997 & were happy for 14 years until cancer took her from me. One thing about online chat was how much we ummm... chatted. The crazies & the bullshitters were picked out rather quickly, they couldn't keep the crazy/bullshit straight.

    Again, when I felt I was ready, using an online dating service I've met an absolutely wonderful woman. We have so much in common it's scary. I don't think it is as good of a vetting system as IRC was though. I got lucky.

    My opinion is online is actually better than the old ways.

    --
    SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT
  19. Digression by Catmeat · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Online is just one of many ways to meet someone initially... it still takes a shitload of work to make it work.

    Bit of a digression, but during the UKs recent Gay Marriage debate, an awful lot of conservative/religious commentators were spouting endlessly about how 'natural' marriage is.

    If that's so, why do married people always go on about what hard work it is. Surly 'natural'='easy'.

  20. Actually from my experience... Better... by Lumpy · · Score: 3, Interesting

    First wife was traditional, ended in a horrible train wreck as she was insane.
    Current Wife met via the internet and 11 years later we are still the best of friends and still madly in love with each other.

    From my experience, Meeting a mate IRL is a recipe for failure, you get infatuated with their looks and not their mind first.

    --
    Do not look at laser with remaining good eye.
  21. Re:re Online Dating is Out! by garutnivore · · Score: 3, Insightful

    While the first couple you mention may indeed be sleeping in separate rooms because of a bad marriage, their sleeping arrangement is the sole evidence presented to us that the marriage is bad. There are many reasons for sleeping in separate rooms, sleeping disorders in particular, none of which are an indication regarding the quality of the marriage.

    Other than that, I agree.