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Technology Heats Up the Adultery Arms Race
HughPickens.com writes: Michelle Cottle reports in The Atlantic that today, spouses have easy access to an array of sophisticated spy software that record every keystroke; compile detailed logs of calls, texts, and video chats; that track a phone's location in real time; recover deleted messages from all manner of devices (without having to touch said devices); and that turn phones into wiretapping equipment. One might assume that the proliferation of such spyware would have a chilling effect on extramarital activities. But according to Cottle, aspiring cheaters need not despair: software developers are also rolling out ever stealthier technology to help people conceal their affairs. Right or wrong, cheating apps tap into a potentially lucrative market and researchers regard the Internet as fertile ground for female infidelity in particular. "Men tend to cheat for physical reasons and women for emotional reasons," says Katherine Hertlein. "The Internet facilitates a lot of emotional disclosure and connections with someone else."
But virtual surveillance has its risks. Stumbling across an incriminating email your partner left open is one thing; premeditated spying can land you in court. A Minnesota man named Danny Lee Hormann, suspecting his wife of infidelity, installed a GPS tracker on her car and allegedly downloaded spyware onto her phone and the family computer. In March 2010, Hormann's wife had a mechanic search her car and found the tracker. She called the police, and Hormann spent a month in jail on stalking charges. "I always tell people two things: (1) do it legally, and (2) do it right," says John Paul Lucich, a computer-forensics expert and the author of Cyber Lies, a do-it-yourself guide for spouses looking to become virtual sleuths. Lucich has worked his share of ugly divorces, and he stresses that even the most damning digital evidence of infidelity will prove worthless in court — and potentially land you in trouble — if improperly gathered. His blanket advice: Get a really good lawyer.
But virtual surveillance has its risks. Stumbling across an incriminating email your partner left open is one thing; premeditated spying can land you in court. A Minnesota man named Danny Lee Hormann, suspecting his wife of infidelity, installed a GPS tracker on her car and allegedly downloaded spyware onto her phone and the family computer. In March 2010, Hormann's wife had a mechanic search her car and found the tracker. She called the police, and Hormann spent a month in jail on stalking charges. "I always tell people two things: (1) do it legally, and (2) do it right," says John Paul Lucich, a computer-forensics expert and the author of Cyber Lies, a do-it-yourself guide for spouses looking to become virtual sleuths. Lucich has worked his share of ugly divorces, and he stresses that even the most damning digital evidence of infidelity will prove worthless in court — and potentially land you in trouble — if improperly gathered. His blanket advice: Get a really good lawyer.
It appears that the person resorting to those tools already have decided that they don't trust their partner and wants a divorce. Now they are just looking to get out of it with a better economy than they would otherwise have.
I guess the problem is that they married the wrong person and probably for the wrong reasons to begin with.
It appears that the person resorting to those tools already have decided that they don't trust their partner and wants a divorce. Now they are just looking to get out of it with a better economy than they would otherwise have.
I guess the problem is that they married the wrong person and probably for the wrong reasons to begin with.
In modern divorce law it doesn't matter. It gets split 50/50 unless there's a prenup. Even if one spouse is an axe murderer. I think the courts got so sick of the circus the trials would turn into they just threw up their hands.
The only thing stuff like that will have a baring on is child custody. And infidelity still wont count. You'd have to have pretty strong evidence of them abusing drugs or something worse.
How in the world is it even possible to "stalk" your spouse???
I mean, if you're married, living in same house, etc...by definition isn't stalking impossible, there is all kinds of implied consent there, no?
I'm not arguing right or wrong on what the guy did, but either that is a huge stretch on saying what "stalking" is, or the law was written FAR too broadly!!!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.........
So aspiring cheaters should actually despair that some technology increases their temptation to cheat.
I think the trouble starts with the 'aspiring cheater'. Not the enabling technology. I'm responsible for my own self control and resistance to temptations. I don't need laws, restrictions on technology or some silly holy book to enforce agreements I have with my wife, family or friends.
Granted, there are people who need supervision. But that's a problem with their internal moral compass. Why should the rest of us have to give up nice things because some people suffering from arrested development can't keep it in their pants? Or get permission to have something on the side without turning it into a case of cheting?
Have gnu, will travel.
This was perfectly predictable when those who said "adultery is a private, consensual matter" won the argument and adultery effectively became a dead letter crime and tort. If adultery were reasonably enforced on those with licensed marriages, it would create a much greater argument for regulating these apps.
See funny thing is most people don't regard marriage as something where good behavior is strictly optional. When you take away recourse to the courts on the worse forms of betrayal in a state-recognized relationship, people are bound to take private action.
Well, because women and men cheat for different reasons.
I know someone who eventually always seems to be drawn to chatrooms and texting people -- in no small party because he's a complete man-child (not that everyone who cheats is).
It absolutely devastated his wife, because while he wasn't always available to her emotionally or sexually, he was having 'interactions' (purely virtual AFAIK) which were both emotional and sexual with someone else. He said it put some zest back in his life, which devastated her even more.
It was just as hurtful as if he'd actually been schtuping someone. He thinks he's done nothing wrong, and completely makes the same argument as you do -- and it boils down to "if you're going to overtly flirt with strangers, or start having on-going conversations with people are aren't strangers ... sooner or later you're probably going to just go ahead and do it, and that might be a line they're not willing to accept."
It also massively undermined trust and pretty much everything else in the relationship. Because if your partner is spending all of their time wondering who you're rubbing your parts up against when you go out, the rest of it starts to deteriorate.
So, I figure your options boil down to: 1) accept that it's going to happen but stay in the dark, 2) accept that it's going to happen and be informed, 3) try to prevent it from happening, or 4) realize you're not gonna stop it and move on with your life.
And depending on the kind of person you are, there may only be 1 or 2 in that list which are even options for you.
In university I did the whole open relationship thing. It's not for everybody. I don't have a problem with people who can do it ... for me it was a lot of work, and very draining, and wasn't what I wanted longer term.
It was fun, because I was in my 20s, and who wouldn't have liked a couple of different flavors? Would I do it now? I don't think so, but you never know.
Me, I think people started screwing around within 6 months of the first people getting married (at most). Men seem to have an evolutionary imperative to cat about as much as they can.
So either we need to fix evolution, or we need to better understand what we think marriage is for and what it means.
Lost at C:>. Found at C.
Not in rape cases. Many a man has gone to prison where the only proof he raped the woman is the fact that his sperm was found in her and she stated that she said no to sex. Most of the time it is assumed, most likely correctly, that the woman would not lie about such a thing. They appear distraught and seem like they were indeed violated but didn't struggle due to duress. This doesn't mean that they can't lie about it though and there have been cases where years later witnesses came forward and recanted their testimony. In a married scenario where the wife might have actual reason to lie, for example she's getting ready to divorce her husband for cheating on her, well you can see where more than just her word would be needed.
In modern divorce law it doesn't matter. It gets split 50/50 unless there's a prenup.
This is almost entirely wrong.
There are two different philosophies you'll run into, depending on which State you're in.
1. Equitable distribution - 40 States + Alaska + DC
2. Community property - 9 States + Alaska + Puerto Rico
Community property states presume a 50/50 ownership interest in marital assets (a lot of money gets spent on defining what is and isn't a marital asset), but judges can still base their distribution on what is fair (aka equitable).
/Alaska's default is equitable distribution, but couples can sign a community property contract
//I'm not a lawyer
You're also forgetting "No Fault Divorce" states, when one doesn't need to show cause for divorce, a lot of the "so-and-so did this!" stuff goes nowhere. Asking for increased alimony based on infidelity will get you nowhere in my state (and probably shows your attorney is incompetent), spousal support (our term for it) exists for 4 reasons and none of those reasons are retaliatory toward actions during a marriage.
Might a judge set alimony artificially high if he/she thinks one party is a huge jerkbag? Yes, it can happen, in practice it doesn't, because an out of line award is grounds for an appeal and judges HATE getting appealed on. What is more, family law judges are fucking jaded, they've seen way worse than whatever went on during your marriage just that week, let alone that month, good luck trying to gin up sympathy with someone like that.