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Tatooine Youth Suspected In Terrorist Attack

BeruHadItComing writes: Imperial investigators are still trying to piece together what happened in last week's horrifying terrorist attack on our largest orbital defense station. Over a million loyal citizens, scientists, and medical staff lost their lives in the grisly attack while the station was being put through training exercises near the Yavin system. Billions more are in mourning, while a number of powerful senators have renewed calls to increase defense spending. Initial reports have confirmed Rebel involvement, and officials are making inquiries about a young insurgent from Tatooine with known ties to religious fundamentalists.

19 of 179 comments (clear)

  1. Rebel scum by halivar · · Score: 5, Funny

    I think that's all that needs to be said.

    1. Re: Rebel scum by Paradise+Pete · · Score: 3, Informative

      I'm pretty sure he was going along with the joke.

  2. Slow by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    This happened a long time ago. Typical slashdot news timing.

    1. Re:Slow by Neil+Boekend · · Score: 4, Funny

      It was far away, give light speed delay a chance man.

      --
      Well, I might have a way, but it only works on a semi spherical planet in a vacuum.
  3. Role models by Cyfun · · Score: 4, Funny

    I blame the parents. Where are they in all this?

    --
    In Soviet Russia, dot slashes YOU!
    1. Re:Role models by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      Well, the dad was trying to stop him...

  4. That's my cue. by ledow · · Score: 3, Insightful

    That's my cue.

    Now to stop reading for over 24 hours while all the poor April Fool's junk slams the front page over and over.

    It's now an annual ritual. See you at the weekend, guys.

    1. Re:That's my cue. by Hardhead_7 · · Score: 5, Interesting

      Oh, come on. This is the good kind of April Fools story. The stories that could be true are pretty annoying when they come from real news sources, but this is firmly tongue-in-cheek.

  5. 35:3:20 WAS AN INSIDE JOB! by BlacKSacrificE · · Score: 5, Funny

    OPEN YOUR EYES DROIDS!!

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    1. Re:35:3:20 WAS AN INSIDE JOB! by meta-monkey · · Score: 5, Funny

      PROTON TORPEDOES CAN'T MELT SPACE STATIONS. Particularly ones the size of a small moon.

      You can clearly see from the footage that the station was destroyed from the inside. CONTROLLED DEMOLITION.

      Oh, and we're supposed to believe the official story that some magic proton torpedoes made it all the way from a tiny exhaust port to the reactor core? Have you seen the size of the exhaust ports on a Freedom Station? They're no bigger than a womp rat. Impossible to bulls-eye. Or are we to believe some magic force guided them in? Tell me another one.

      WAKE UP DROIDS!

      --
      We don't have a state-run media we have a media-run state.
  6. Re:Sigh by Eunuchswear · · Score: 5, Funny

    I wonder.

    Is the Onion printing strictly factual stories today?

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  7. No. I disagree. by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Read it again and replace the Star Wars references with real ones.

    Now consider that the good guys - the Jedi - are portrayed as the bad guys even though they are defending a planet from invaders.

    Now, think about our own news media and how our politicians portray countries and people. Now think of the movies "Red Dawn" and how American kids are doing exactly what peoples are doing overseas to coalition troops. Explain how are they different?

    I think this "story" is one of the most subversive things I have ever read on Slashdot.

    1. Re:No. I disagree. by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      Geez, we barely read the titles most of the time, and now you want us to re-read TFS, reconsider it three different ways, and write an essay in response?

      Are you an English teacher, by any chance?

    2. Re:No. I disagree. by ScentCone · · Score: 5, Interesting

      I remember when Red Dawn came out (the first one) that we discussed the differnce between freedom fighters and terrorists. The answer was history.

      No, the answer is: look at what they're actually fighting for. "Freedom fighters" who fight for the opportunity to deny women the right to go to school, or to set up a regime where people who aren't willing to claim faithfulness to one single state religion are not freedom fighters. It really is that simple. US revolutionaries fought to be free from what was essentially a military dictatorship (the monarchy) that didn't provide some rather important freedom-related features (like those we see protected in our constitution). When freedom fighters are fighting for actual freedoms, then that's what they are. When "freedom fighters" are fighting to institute totalitarian rule (like, say, Che Guevara and company did) they're not freedom fighters at all. The Taliban aren't fighting for freedom, they're fighting to set up a ruthless medieval theocracy. Doesn't matter what they call themselves, it's what they do.

      --
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    3. Re:No. I disagree. by tooyoung · · Score: 4, Interesting

      I can't believe that I'm actually reading an April Fools Day thread, much less commenting on one, but here goes....

      The difference between a terrorist and another type of combatant isn't history or what the group is fighting for. It is whether they target civilian populations or not and use terror as a tactic. The term terrorist has been rendered meaningless in recent times. Now we see "terrorist attack on army base". Targeting a military force is not terrorism, regardless of the group who does it.

  8. Re:Sigh by cdrudge · · Score: 3, Insightful

    Well, this is the 2nd article on the homepage, so yeah, it does look like they are going with factual stories today.

  9. damn punks by swschrad · · Score: 5, Funny

    at least we know nobody will be making a movie of this tragedy.

    --
    if this is supposed to be a new economy, how come they still want my old fashioned money?
    1. Re:damn punks by Adriax · · Score: 3, Funny

      Not make a movie? I'd be surprised if they didn't make atleast half a dozen movies glorifying the rebel scum.
      And games, books, costumes, ect...
      I expect callous exploitation of this senseless tragedy for A Long Time to come.

      --
      I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
  10. Radicalization by Comboman · · Score: 5, Insightful

    If you do it right, you don't even need to change the references:

    Desert Youth Radicalized by Bearded Religious Zealot
    He seemed to others like a typical teen; having fun with his friends, going into town to pick up some power converters. But the boy's foster parents were worried he would follow a local anti-social, desert-dwelling hermit on some "damn fool ideological crusade". There are reports the old man may have lied to the youth about his birth father's involvement in the religious movement in order to gain his trust. From there, the two joined up with a couple of mercenary smugglers involved in human trafficking in an attempt to sneak past coalition blockades and gain access to military facilities. The old cleric apparently martyred himself in the initial attack on the base, which only strengthened the youth's resolve to follow in his mentor's footsteps. Even the mercenaries appear to have been radicalized, abandoning their business interests to join up with the movement.

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