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An Experience of "Kira489"
Rape. It's a violent crime, arguably the most violent crime, even more savage than murder. The psychological repercussions are severe to the victim, causing even years of trauma. It's frighteningly common--and it's often associated with the Internet. We've all heard the story in which a fourteen year old girl living in Maine is given a plane ticket to Arizona by a forty-seven year old man claiming to be a eighteen year old boy in an America On-line chatroom. She accepts--heck, she's in love and her parents are a pain--and flies to meet him. Of course, upon seeing him, she knows he's not the eighteen year old stud she'd fantasized about, but being alone and lost in a foreign city leaves her with no obvious choice but to leave the airport with him. Of course, he takes her to the local motor lodge and rapes her.
Unfortunately, the media loves these stories, the more horrible the better. It's the media that establishes ideas in people, but I did not realize strength of the current attitudes about Internet users until a friend of mine was raped by someone from the Big Bad Internet. After the rape, which had taken place in her house, she went to her local hospital, where she was tested for sexually transmitted diseases, and her physical wounds treated. The rapist remained in her house, and she was advised to call the police. The police escorted the rapist off her property, and persuaded her to press charges, claiming she had a rock solid case. To this, she consented.
Apparently, the detective in charge on her case didn't agree that the case was closed when he learned she had met the rapist on the Internet. "They [Internet users] are nothing but relentless sex addicts," he told her. "Furthermore, every conversation on the Internet is logged. I can get access to these logs, and if I find that you ever hugged him on the Internet, I will show that this is not a matter of rape, but consentual sex." He proceeded to ask if she had met others from the Internet, which she had. Upon finding out that she had met me on numerous occasions, and even had sex with me, the "slueth" felt satisfied he had proved his point, "No one on the Internet ever wants to do anything but have sex."
Despite the fact that my friend was injured to the point that, according the documented hospital report, she had bruises and tears in her vagina, and the fact that people willingly having sex usually do not injure one another, the police threatened my friend with the possibility of putting her in jail if she was lying!
It is ludicrous to believe that all people associated with the Internet are sex-crazed maniacs, or that meeting someone in real-life is recipe for disaster. I've met a great deal of people from the Internet, for both personal and professional reasons, and I've yet to be raped. Yes, like a few of my real-life friends and relationships, I even slept with a few people I met from the Internet. I even spent a week with one Internet pal snowed-in together during the blizzard that hit the midwestern United States this past January.
Was I concerned about my safety at any of these times I met someone from the Internet? No, I wasn't--no more than I would be meeting someone I didn't know very well in person for dinner and possibly spending the night together. I've never met someone from the Internet expecting sex, and while I'm sure there are many that do, I would hazard a guess that the number that do is not any higher than people who know each other in real-life would in a similar situation (e.g., sharing a hotel room in a distant town).
I once met, with the permission of her mother, a girl in high school, since I happened to be traveling through her town and had some extra hours to spare for dinner. She later mentioned that a real-life friend of hers admonished her for meeting me, claiming she hardly knows me. Well, how much do two people know each other on a first date for coffee or dinner? Interestingly, the media refuses to acknowledge this similarity.
It's important to be careful when meeting someone from the Internet--just as it's normal to be careful in any situation where you've not spent a large amount of time together in person. It's important to realize that a person's remarks and responses in a chatroom or a MUD may be contrived, no matter how fluent they seem to flow. Likewise, there are plenty of phony men and women in every community, and you're just as likely to encounter them in real-life, rapists or not. Regardless, it is certainly not in the interests of society for those who enforce the law to ridicule rape, no matter the circumstances of how the involved individuals initially came in contact with each other. Rape is rape; it's a matter far too serious for qualification.
First Rob thanks for posting soemthing like this. Second I am posting as AC becuase if you read the rest of my comment you will understand.
What is pointed out in this article is so true and so stereotypical. I am a male and I was accused of RAPING somebody once. Why, because her boyfriend came to knwo about it and she would rather ruin my life then ruin her relationship. Do you have any idea of the humiliation not to mention the time and the money lost because of such an accusation.
And then that ignorant police officer making those statements. If she has been hurt and that can be proven medically, it is not consensual sex and trust me I know, since I had to go through a trial to prove my innocence.
Does this mean that we all perverts and rapists and the dredge of society since we hang out on the "internt". Hell, if it was not for internet, I would not have a job. Will someone explain it to that ignoramoose who is running around tellign people he is there to serve and protect.
Mitch, I can only offer my sympathies for your friend because I have an idea of what she is going through. As for the rest who have their own ideas for the "kind of' people on the internet, all I have to say is "EDUCATION".
Sorry about the rant, but something in me just blew up. And if you made it this far, thanks for listening.
Posted by u4ic-fx:
Not that I dont feel sympathy and compassion for the victims of such incidents, but realistically
a little common sense go's a long way, there are many guidelines for meeting people from the internet and unfortunatly, untill you actually meet that person, you'll never know if anything of what they've said is true, that being said
for those who will continue to find new friends online and meet them irl here are a few common sense things to take into consideration..
talk on the phone first, before meeting someone for the first time, hearing their voice will give you an indication of whether or not they are who/what they say they are ie a 40 year old claiming to be 18 etc
insist on a meeting in a public place, with your friends and their friends ie a coffee shop
make sure atleast several people online have given u "references" about the person..
yeah its being a bit paranoid, but hey, better to be paranoid, than a rape/kidnapping victim,
for complete lists of suggested idea's check a search engine for bdsm sites (yeah its off topic) but they usually have a faq about saftey for meeting someone for the first time.. its not totally relevant but alot of the concepts cross over, above all think with your brain, not your sexdrive
The idea of meeting people online has sparked many discussions among my group of friends this year. My roommate sees nothing wrong with meeting others in chat rooms, and will argue until he is blue in the face that it is no different than meeting people out in "the real world." Now I'm not a chat person myself...the extent of my Internet socialization is the occasional game of bridge on Yahoo! where I will exchange greetings with those I am playing with as a matter of courtesy.
If I were to ever become the chat room type, I think I could keep myself limited to using it for informational purposes. That is, I see IRC and similar things as fine forums for collaboration, catching up with friends from far away, etc. I personally would never use it to try and meet others to establish relationships that would eventually result in a face-to-face meeting.
The whole idea makes me quite leery, actually. I understand that there are a lot of you out there who have "success" stories, and that it has turned out to be a good experience. That's great, and you are fortunate. But please, spare me the details...because I find personal anecdotes used as support of a view to be largely worthless and a very weak form of argument. Your personal experiences do not extrapolate to the whole situation. Until we see a substantive study by a research group of sociologists, psychologists, or whoever is qualified to do such a thing, we should really withhold judgment about this behavior. I cannot say it is better or worse than meeting people in real life, only that I have a gut feeling about it that I cannot ignore.
Several generations ago it was common for marriages to be arranged, and it still happens in some societies. Decisions were made for people based on socio-economic status and reputation, not on the chemistry two young people established. In these times we are used to the idea that in most cases, we need to get a complete picture of a person before we consider embarking on a serious relationship. Personality, looks, intelligence, habits--some or all of these are important to all of us. That was a major change in the way people met and decided to spend the rest of their lives with each other. What I wonder is what the growing number of people online will do to this process. I think we should all be patient with it and be extra careful until we have a sense of the wider implications and the trends.
Indeed, it seems that many people are so much less introverted when conversing upon the 'net that they don't really take heed to the fact that there is a real person on the end of the conversation. They'll spill their guts about anything and everything, and often telling the things about their personal lives we don't want to hear.
Through many different ways I've met people from online games, IRC, etc and despite the fact that the conversations were purely ASCII, using all those characters like (* ! $ _ etc) help to emphasize sarcasm, humor, sadness, etc. And many times, you really can get a good idea whether or not the person you're speaking (typing) to on the other end is really who they say they are, or if they're just "blowing smoke up your ass".
For example, I'll describe to you someone who I've worked with a bit, and have known only via the web. He runs some websites, and I occasionally write small, custom Perl scripts for his sites. Now, when first meeting him I found that he was 15 years old. Okay, that's fine. I can respect anybody as long as they can be somewhat mature whilst conversing and avoid talking like a "warez d00d'. But then he goes on to tell all sorts of tall tales. They're not all impossible or unlikely, but take them all together and you see what I mean. A few of them are:
His dad makes $350,000 per year. (not hard to believe all by itself)
He makes literally thousands of dollars per month without hardly any effort because he runs all of his porn sites so well. (Wow, thousands? that's some site!)(
He expresses his concern about being able to pay me for my scripts (very inexpensive), yet says he's got this really expensive sports car. (strange finances, fast cars?)
Talks way too much about how many "girlfriends" he's got and how often he's "getting a piece". (*UGH* like I care or need to know)
And you get the idea. Why do people try so hard to impress others on the Internet? Or in any other way, for that matter? Shit, I've always been more impressed by a simple friendliness and honesty than tall tales of money & sex. If I find a person whom I can hold a "geek-ish" conversation with, that's enough for me. I'm not interested in their personal lives' details that supposedly describe how popular they are or how successful they are.
Give me some simple intelligent feedback amongst all the noise on the net. Then I'll be impressed.
I only post comments when someone on the internet is wrong.
First off, I seriously hope that Kira will be able to recover from her ordeal and be able to live her life fully.
I'm male and throughout high school, I never really understood Rape. I mean, I had gone for years believing that it was nothing more than someone who was sexually out of control. And I never understood why my female friends either avoided the subject like a I was screaming and dying from ebola or why they got extremely upset.
But luckily, I had a good many friends who took the time to explain a few things to me. For that, I am grateful.
It isn't the sex, it is the power and control. Power.. control. To control and manipulate another human being, to be able to use them as one pleased. To unleash the full of one's darker side onto another human being.
Why would people want to do that to another person? Why would ANYONE want to do that to another person? Why would you, do that?
I think alot of people avoid that line of thought. The consideration that they might have that kind of personality within themselves.
I mean.. your "basic rapist" is like anyone else. Nevermind the internet. But he or she can be anyone.. your next door neighbor, the teacher at your school, your old friend of years and years, parents, and even children.
What made them step over that line and continue doing what so many people consider to be so horribly bad?
I personally don't have an answer to that. And I don't think many people do either.
To the persons who think murder is worse than rape, I beg to disagree. I think Rape is worse. Rape has all the characteristics of murder, but the victom often survives at a cost. The friends and family are affect like in a murder, but must not only deal with their grief, but that of the victom's. A long path to healing takes place, one where the victom must work through the questions I asked above. The Why? Was it something I did? Why would someone do this to me? Why? Why?
I think it is very true though, when women say that men don't understand. Alot of men don't understand. Many do, but there are still so many who don't. And to be truthful, I don't feel that even understanding really stops rape. Rape happens because an individual, a human being, decided that they will do this for their own personal reasons. They are convinced in their mind that the person who will be the victom deserves what they will be getting.
I don't know.. the net isn't the problem, it has only dredged up into the open what has always been a problem. People will disagree, but that is their choice.
As for castration, castration does no good. Hormone treatment does no good. Rape IS about CONTROL and POWER. Just because you remove one tool, doesn't mean a person can't commit rape. Rape. To take from another human being what they have refused, what society has refused the rapist. No, removing an organ or dampening the effects of a hormone does little good.
A person can rape as effectively with their hand, a broom stick, a candle, a bottle, rope, whipes, whatever. Just as equally effective as with their own organs.
On the topic of men being raped by woman, another topic which my friends were kind enough to share their thoughts on. Because rape IS about control, it doesn't matter what gender the rapist is. Male, female, neutor, old or young. The point is to have power and control over another.
For a man, to be used and had in any way his captor would have him, it is in every way as demeaning, humiliating, and traumatising as it is for a woman. No more, no less. With one difference.
The support structure and the mental association is there for women. But for men, it is something which either is rare, or not available. There is no sanctuary for men.
And I highly doubt that traumatized women would enjoy sharing the facilities with traumatized men.
Maybe I'm in the wrong when I think that rapists should probably be dragged into the streets and shot. The media would like that. Sensationalism and a message to other would be rapists.
But that would be inhumane. I just wish the rapist had wondered whether it would be humane to rape his or her victom.
My two cents.
- Wing
- Reap the fires of the soul.
- Harvest the passion of life.
- Wing
- Reap the fires of the soul.
- Harvest the passion of life.
This may be one best fielded by Katz,
but I'm curious to see why people are
so open on the net. I've seen others as
well as myself open up and talk about very
private things as well as curse out and
use language I never would in real life
to complete strangers. Is it that ASCII
text and animated chat room icons lets us
hide behind a false face: One we can draw
ourselves and discard at anytime.
I think so. I think that whenever talking
to someone who hides behind a cute nick and
quickly turns the conversation to an unusually
intimate level clearly indicates a possible
sexual preditor. Women need to watch out.
check references. use their skills: ping and
traceroute to see where they really are talking
from.
But this doesnt mean everyone is "out to get you".
Just use commen sense and caution.
my 2 cents.
-Z
I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going.
Not so long ago, a woman's rape charge could be successfully attacked in court with claims like, "Look how she was dressed! She must've wanted it!" This is just the same sorry attitude resurfacing on the "new frontier". I guess it was never dead, just dormant.
So sorry to hear of your friend's experience. I hope she can learn to trust again someday.
Peace.
Ask your doctor if getting up off your ass is right for you! -- Bill Maher
It brings to light, however, a growing possibility that such Internet crimes might escape adequate prosecution, due to the detective's "logic". That is, the ludicrous proposition that a person who "hugs" someone virtually has opened the door for a claim of consensual sex.
Let's bring it closer to home. I'm a man. For a moment, let me pick a volunteer, another man; You, sir! Yes, you with the buzzcut and the goatee. Thanks for volunteering, pleased to meet you. There, we shook hands. We made contact, in fact, of a physical nature. I put out my hand, and he clearly consented to touch it. Now, on occasion, I hug other men, usually close friends and family, but I'll make an exception here for this fine fellow. There, he again consented. Does that mean I can now engage in anal sex with this man, whether he protests or not, at any point in the operation, based on his "consent" to the hug? Of course not! (Gee, look at 'im run...)
The point is, we have the ability to refuse to comply with any action at any time, whether we ever performed the action before or not, whether we planned to perform it or not. We are not required, nor should it be assumed we are willing, to engage in sex just because we once did. Kira489 probably did virtual-hug her rapist. She might have done alot more than that, virtually. She might have done more than that physically, and it means nothing! The second she said "Stop," and the assailant refused, it was rape. Period. Frankly, I say execute the rapist, but that's my opinion.
Back to the medium of the Internet. Folks, we can't say this enough: all those people who have been raped, robbed, beaten and killed by people they met online probably either never thought about the possibility, or simply figured that "it won't happen to me." Just like we all do. The fact that it can must weigh heavily in our decision to meet someone. I know it's titillating to chat with some people on the wire. I know several people who, in fact, invent elaborate personas to role play online, with unsuspecting people. Many of whom, I'm sure, are being just as fake as my friends. But when we take the chance of opening up to someone online, and exposing ourselves to a meeting in "meatspace", then all those defenses we have collapse: IP masqing, finger-deactivation... none of that works when the person is standing right in front of you.
Be not as these, I say. Think. Be a little paranoid. The cost of serious misjudgement of character is too high.
Believe nothing, not even if I say it, if it violates your sense of reason -- Buddha
It's a simple substitution of every instance of the word "Internet" with the word "Telephone". Not completely grammatically accurate, but you get the idea.
...a little food for thought...
perl: s/Internet/Telephone/g;
Rape. It's a violent crime, arguably the most violent crime, even more savage than murder. The psychological repercussions are severe to the victim, causing even years of trauma. It's frighteningly common--and it's often associated
with the Telephone. We've all heard the story in which a fourteen year old girl living in Maine is given a plane ticket to Arizona by a forty-seven year old man claiming to be a eighteen year old boy in an America On-line chatroom. She accepts--heck, she's in love and her parents are a pain--and flies to meet him. Of course, upon seeing him, she knows he's not the eighteen year old stud she'd fantasized about, but being alone and lost in a foreign city leaves her with no obvious choice but to leave the airport with him. Of course, he takes her to the local motor lodge and rapes her.
Unfortunately, the media loves these stories, the more horrible the better. It's the media that establishes ideas in people, but I did not realize strength of the current attitudes about Telephone users until a friend of mine was raped by someone from the Big Bad Telephone. After the rape, which had taken place in her house, she went to her local hospital, where she was
tested for sexually transmitted diseases, and her physical wounds treated. The rapist remained in her house, and she was advised to call the police. The police escorted the rapist off her property, and persuaded her to press charges, claiming she had a rock solid case. To this, she consented.
Apparently, the detective in charge on her case didn't agree that the case was closed when he learned she had met the rapist on the Telephone. "They [Telephone users] are nothing but relentless sex addicts," he told her. "Furthermore, every conversation on the Telephone is logged. I can get access to these logs, and if I find that you ever hugged him on the Telephone,
I will show that this is not a matter of rape, but consentual sex." He proceeded to ask if she had met others from the Telephone, which she had. Upon finding out that she had met me on numerous occasions, and even had sex with me, the "slueth" felt satisfied he had proved his point, "No one on the Telephone ever wants to do anything but have sex."
Despite the fact that my friend was injured to the point that, according the documented hospital report, she had bruises and tears in her vagina, and the fact that people willingly having sex usually do not injure one another, the police threatened my friend with the possibility of putting her in jail if she was lying!
It is ludicrous to believe that all people associated with the Telephone are sex-crazed maniacs, or that meeting someone in real-life is recipe for disaster. I've met a great deal of people from the Telephone, for both personal and professional reasons, and I've yet to be raped. Yes, like a few of my real-life friends and relationships, I even slept with a few people I met from the Telephone. I even spent a week with one Telephone pal snowed-in together during the blizzard that hit the midwestern United States this past January.
Was I concerned about my safety at any of these times I met someone from the Telephone? No, I wasn't--no more than I would be meeting someone I didn't know very well in person for dinner and possibly spending the night together. I've never met someone from the Telephone expecting sex, and while I'm sure there are many that do, I would hazard a guess that the number that do is not any higher than people who know each other in real-life would in a similar situation (e.g.,
sharing a hotel room in a town).
I once met, with the permission of her mother, a girl in high school, since I happened to be traveling through her town and had some extra hours to spare for dinner. She later mentioned that a real-life friend of hers admonished her for meeting me, claiming she hardly knows me. Well, how much do two people know each other on a first date for coffee or dinner? Interestingly, the media refuses to acknowledge this similarity.
It's important to be careful when meeting someone from the Telephone--just as it's normal to be careful in any situation where you've not spent a large amount of time together in person. It's important to realize that a person's remarks and responses in a chatroom or a MUD may be contrived, no matter how fluent they seem to flow. Likewise, there are plenty of phony
men and women in every community, and you're just as likely to encounter them in real-life, rapists or not. Regardless, it is certainly not in the interests of society for those who enforce the law to ridicule rape, no matter the circumstances of how the involved individuals initially came in contact with each other. Rape is rape; it's a matter far too serious for qualification.
--The more you know, the less you know.
I spent two years working as a counselor to rape
and harassment victims, and spent a great deal of time pouring over Ohio laws and regulations on
this issue.
Rape is rape is rape. If she said "No," it doesn't matter if she pranced in front of him naked, drunk, high, and anything else. A hug in a chat-room means nothing; the cop was ignorant of the prevailing trends in dealing with issues of rape and harassment, and did more to promote the prevailing rape culture in dealing with this issue, not help fight it.
One in six women are raped or harassed before graduating from college. Its not a blown-out-of-proportion statistic; its a scary fact. Educate yourself on your state's laws, learn what resources there are available for victims of harassment and rape, and if you know someone who is treated this way, support them. Listen to them, make yourself available, and make sure the individual (male or female) understands that its _not their fault_.
Matt
You should always meet people in a public place, and if possible bring a friend along. If the person you have gotten to know over the past days, weeks, months really does care about you and is your friend they will more than undersatnd these precauations.
If they are offended by your supposed lack of trust, then I'd say they are not worth your time anyway...