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Blue-Green Algae Announces IPO
Shturmovik[KGB] writes "Now if *this* ain't bitingly appropriate, I don't know what is!
Blue-Green Algae has announced that they will be entering the IPO market. " Algae, aka anabaena, and myself who has a patent on respiration will be entering into a strategic alliance to corner the market on respiration and oxygen. The royalties alone...
In response to the planned IPO of Blue-Green Algae, the newly formed Union of Mitochondrial Entities (U-ME) has scheduled a press conference for later this afternoon. According to sources close to the union leadership, the U-ME is planning to announce their demands for a contract, having worked for approximatly the last three billion years without one. Probable sticking points of the proposed contract include: Cellular Hot-Tubs, a forty hour work week, and an incremental wage increase of $1x10-18/hr over the next three milennia. When asked why the union was so suddenly interested in additional compensation for their services, one source, on condition of anonymity, had this to say; 'We at U-ME feel that the establishment of B/G Algae has set a precedent. Mono-cellular proto-organisms have rights too. We feel that if we do not exercise our rights at this time, we won't get another chance. Also, with the newly created oxygen monopoly, we think it is only a matter of time before they start to expand vertically over the entire respiratory model, perhaps into cellular metobolism given enough evolutinary time. We can't risk that.'
More details will follow
.sig: Now legally binding!
The funny thing is that they really think they are k001...
~luge
IAAL,BIANLY
After a successful IPO on Wednesday where ALG stock released at an initial IPO price of $9 rocketed to a closing price of $357, resulting in a corporate valuation of $76 billion dollars trading was halted after company representatives revealed the following facts:
1). A stock option plan has left the company with outstanding obligations averaging 10 shares per employee, or 7.6x10^15 shares. This means the company debt exceeds the number of electrons in the sidereal universe.
2). Several class action lawsuits have been filed by various organizations. These are:
A) Friends of the Earth has sued based on the large number of lakes eutrophied by blue-green algea in the northeastern parts of the US.
B) The Sierra Club has sued ALG for environmental pollution resulting from release of various and sundry toxins into the environment including a variety of heptaoxins and cytotoxins.
C). Several species of archea have joined a class action suit for misappropriation of native lands and traditional food resources. Prior to the wanton atmospherical conversion by poisonous oxygen as a result of environmentally neglectful use of photosynthesis, archeabacterial were free to live and roam over the entire face of the earth. Now we are confined to small areas such as undersea volcano vents and hot springs. Never in the history of the planet has genocide, species extinction and ethnic cleansing been conducted on such a scale. Compensation claimed is total reconversion of the Earth's atmosphere a methane base.
D). The US EPA has sued the blue-green algae for massive amounts of oil pollution during the Proterozoic Era. The US EPA claims that it is well known that large ancient oil deposits were formed during that period of time, and we anticipate being able to prove that the amounts of oil formed far exceed those formed in more recent geological periods. The common conception that most oil was formed in recent geologic epochs is just a urban myth.
E.) The NAACA (National Association for the Advancement of Colored Algae) has sued for discrimination. A representative stated "the use of the perjorative term 'blue green algae' is not acceptable to members of the cyanobacteria family that are red or pink pigmented. We are tired of being ignored for our contribution to the earth's atmosphere, and being persecuted under names like the 'red tide'. This discrimination must stop, and politically incorrect names like blue-green algae are not to be tolerated!
I seem to recall that Hugh Laurie (of Blackadder and A Bit of Fry & Laurie fame) was in a satirical play about a company that decided to market air. The play was called "Gasping" and it was written by Ben Elton, who co-wrote three seasons of Blackadder, and a some number of seasons of Mr. Bean.
They call air "Wonder-Whiffs" and try to corner the market...
That may be the funniest site I have seen in a looong time. Read it, and then, for the best part, look at the guestbook. That always has me laughing my ass off.
I am an oxygen producing Brazilian scrotum slime. As a member of the OOC (pronounced 'ook') I too have witnessed how algea is reaping the benefits of popularity. They create an image of the perfect Oxygen Producing organism, but they are not. They are the next Microsoft of the Oxygen world. Their mitochondria aren't even open source!
are you acutally upset at slashdot becuase you didn't find out about algea IPOing yesterday? Thats insane. At any point in the day slashdot can have 300-700 submissions pending. It takes time to sort through that.
'Round these parts, we don't take to domain-name squatters kindly (loads double-barreled shotgun).
Vovida, OS VoIP
Beer recipe: free! #Source
Cold pints: $2 #Product
Vovida, OS VoIP
Beer recipe: free! #Source
Cold pints: $2 #Product
Segfault does exactly that: a big clown head with the words "FAKE NEWS".
But that spoils the fun. I personally don't see this as a problem at all. In fact, I read this IPO article on the Onion last week and got a good laugh out of it. When I saw it here, I eagerly read through comments, because it is statistically likely that some people just won't get it. heh heh heh... Those comments should be moderated up as "funny" IMHO
--
grappler
Vidi, Vici, Veni
How do we get on the friends and family list? There are people I know that I'd classify as "slime", they're close enough, I think...
The unsig!
Sorry, Hemos. Last I heard, most Fortune 500 CEOs were convinced that Microsoft would come out with something better than respiration, and were holding their breath . . .
jsm
The company has 760 trillion employees. While each one works for peanuts (or methane), the potential for labour unrest is phenomenal.
$47 is way over priced for a company with only two products. Supposing we all decided to stop using oxygen?
Just because they're prokaryotic doesn't mean they're good businessbeings. Half of Microsoft's upper management are single-celled.
"We Didn't Make The Atmosphere, We Just Made It Breathable" - bullshit. It may be a major oxygen producer, but it's far from the only one.
Save your money. Buy andover shares. Or can I say that here?
This is easily the funniest thing I've read in weeks! And to make it worse I just glanced at the headline before having to run downstairs for a few minutes. On the way down I figured it was real and was wondering what kind of idiot had patented algae and wanted to market it. The fact that I could even take this seriously for a MINUTE says something about the ludicrous state of our patent system and the IPO frenzy we've been in the middle of.
Kintanon
Check out JoshJitsu.info for Brazilian Ji
... uhhh, usually things posted under "Humor" are not things to be taken seriosly.
Sheesh, this certainly comes up a lot... maybe there needs to be a slightly more obvious icon. Like perhaps a huge clown face screaming "This is a joke you fucking IDIOTS!!!"
Maybe that would help folks such as Cyberllama here.
The Attorneys General of 15 states filed a lawsuit today against Anabaena in an attempt to reclaim damages from fires caused by the firm's flagship product, Oxygen. "Oxygen is the only product that, when used as intended, burns," claimed the AG for Illinois. "Anabaena's PR machine would have us believe that a cow was responsible for the Chicago fire, but really, what percentage of the atmosphere is methane? Without Oxygen, the fire, and millions like it, would never have ignited." In addition, Anabaena is charged with ignoring Oxygen's clearly addictive nature. Numerous studies have found the withdrawal symptoms to involve lightheadness, shortness of breath, severe brain damage, and even death. Anabaena, in a tersely-worded response, called the accusations slanderous: "Calling us slime may gain political points, but it doesn't hide this attempt to deny Americans the right to breathe."
"You can't get something for nothing." - my grandfather, on the stock market and Reaganomics.
As it happens, there really is a company based around blue-green algae which announced its IPO fairly recently. The company's called Cell Tech, it's based in Oregon (I think), and gets most of its sales from network marketing (a fairly common recourse for companies that need a substantial sales volume and have nowhere near the capital necessary to foment a desire for their products). Mostly they make nutritional supplements based on the algae. They send some to improverished countries who have disease problems related to general malnutrition. The people I've encountered who were into it were a fairly nice lot, if a little scary from their extreme level of interest in a single cyanobacteria.
Check out CellTech. They've made a fortune selling blue-green algae capsules as a cure-all (a while back they got busted by the FTC for claiming it cured cancer). They're based in Klamath Falls, OR, where I went to school (OIT) and scarily enough, it's one of the major industries of the area.
--GnrcMan--
AP, Nov 17, 1999, 14:00, cst. Blue-Green Algae has announced several corrections to their planed IPO. The orginial announcement states that they will list on NASDAQ as ALG. They will in fact be listing on the New York Stock exchange. Seasoned traders will have already noted that the symbol ALG has three letters, and by aggrement stocks on NYSE have three letters or less, all others have four or more.
A spokeperson for the New York stock exchange has stated "While normally we do not deal with IPOs, ALG controlls a very large and important industry. Their size makes them a nateral fit with our focus on America's and the World's biggest companies. Upstarts at Nasdaq have received all the attention lately, but they are either smaller companies with a questionable future, or long overdue ofr moving over to our Exchange. ALG with it's three billion year history is proof to their staying power.
ALG also noted that they engage in nitrigon fixing, not production. There is a glut in the unfixed nitrigon market, but we control the fixed nitrigon market. Further there is an abundance of entities that need fixed nitrigon and few can supply that need. Also we have a wide spread oxygon production process that we belive cannot be duplicated, even if others understood it. To date nobody has figgured out this process in enough detail to duplicate our distribution.
Although ALG does not have a monopoly on Oxygen production, they point out that compititors in this buisness, which primarly include trees and grass, make up an insignificant amount of oxygon production. Further thier process ties them to relativly dry land while ALG is able to produce in over 70% of the earths surface, and that area is not avaiable to big compititors. ALG also points out that have a presence in most places that trees control.
Independant analysis covering ALGs impending IPO worry if they lay workiers off those workers would produce on their own. "These workers need to eat, and they are too small to have much a reserve." said an analysis for SmithAndJones co. Others have pointed out that DeBeers has a monopoly on diamond distribution, and they have managed to put excess production into vaults to keep prices high without cutting workers. The question remains though if ALG, which traditionally has not followed this model can successfully transistion to it.
I am disgusted by the plans of ALG to profit from the sales of their product.
I propose that we ALL boycot the use of their product until they realize that the error of their ways. We should all just take a deep breath and tell ourselves that we don't NEED them anyway.
I'm sure the justice department would be interested in looking into the monopoly status of ALG in the Oxygen producing industry.
Who asked them to fix our Nitrogen in the first place??
On the other hand, I wouldn't hold my breath for a quick resolution to this issue.
... at least it's not a case where there's lots of prior art.-)
Stupid job ads, weird spam, occasional insight at
I really hope you did notice that???
- A.P.
--
"One World, one Web, one Program" - Microsoft promotional ad
"Remember when the U.S. had a drug problem, and then we declared a War On Drugs, and now you can't buy drugs anymore?"
Imagine what a beowulf cluster with a few trillion of these could do.
:-)
Someone just has to do the first beowulf post
the AC
Hemos is like...sci-fi fans;he thinks technology is cool, but he hasn't bothered to understand the science it's based on