Posted by
CmdrTaco
on from the you-gotta-read-this dept.
NullGrey writes "Salon.com has a hilarious article that is supposedly a letter to George Lucas by a young actor who would like to play Anakin in SW2. " This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time (or maybe its just because my fever broke and I'm in a great mood)
In my dreams I obtain an early bootleg copy of the next Star Wars. Because the movie is going to be over 90% digitally-rendered, I am able to "edit" a few scenes.
As soon as Jar Jar steps out for his first scene and starts uttering "Meesa Jar Jar...", a meteorite comes crashing down on his bloated, snot-green head. From that point on, his presence and voice will be completely edited and brushed away. Yeah, it will be a little weird when anakin or someone utters, "That Jar Jar, he sure is a rascal" while staring off into empty space... but hey, it is the memory right!?
I then ditribute this copy without ever getting caught. Who wants one?
Wow, I can't believe it. This guy read my mind. All summer I've been going around with the "Fizgig for Anakin Campaign" (using my real name, of course). Besides the true stuff such as actually being 19, blonde, tall, pretty smart in my own right, not all that ugly (my momma says so!), and an actor (college theater is acting too!), I have the following other qualifications:
1. I have seen all four Star Wars movies. (Took me a while to get around to Empire) 2. I am easily swayed to the dark side. It happens all the time. 3. I can choke people with my mind. Ok, not really, but I can tickle their throats . . . did you feel that? I bet you did.
Trust me, George, the Force is strong in this one. Where do I sign up?
Hey world! George Lucas uses advertising! Get 'im!
by
marlowe23
·
· Score: 4
Oh, look, more cheap shots at KFC and Pepsi, ho-ho-ho, it is it to laugh.
Why does every would-be satirist from Salon think he's got a fresh spin on ridiculing George Lucas' marketing? Ever since the Phantom Menace hype, critics and fans alike seem to have flushed their collective IQs down the toilet in the mad rush to rediscover their own friggin' childhoods. This just in! Star Wars still just a kid's movie! Kids like Burger King meals! Kids like action figures! Kids probably even like those freaky-assed Jar Jar lollipops with the tongue that shoots out, but I'd wager they like it for entirely different reasons than adults do, if you get my drift.
I sometimes wonder if half the Phantom Menace backlash wasn't just from disillusioned twenty-somethings hoping to get fellated by the Messiah during Phantom Menace, but instead from weary, sleep-deprived parents who just couldn't take any more "Mom mom mom Darth Maul mom!"
What I'll never understand is the utter resentment people have for George Lucas marketing his own movie. He doesn't work through a studio! That's his own cash he's putting up for the flick! (Well, okay, technically it's probably yours, but he made the movie, you bought the ticket. You've only got yourself to blame.) Maybe you'd rather he went to Paramount and used their dough? Then they could have focus groups! That'd make a better movie! Look what it did for Armageddon!
But, really, how dare George Lucas make a profit. He should make Star Wars for charity! After all, the warm, forgiving, loving praise he receives from the fans should be reward enough for any filmmaker... yeah, right. When you have a few million to throw around, you can make the movie the way you want, too. Not the way the comic-shop employee down the street thinks you should make it.
And yeah, no one likes Jar Jar Binks, either, it hardly takes William Safire to point that out. Jar Jar Binks jokes are kind of like "Talk to the Hand" -- of note only for their outdated-ness. Speaking of which -- what's with the Andy Dick joke slapped on the end? Someone late for a deadline?
Blah. Phantom Menace didn't knock my socks off, either, but this article was god-awful stupid.
The perfect candidate
by
Mr.+Protocol
·
· Score: 5
Has anybody ever notice how the nerds in Star Wars are like nerds everywhere else, but the computer stuff is all different? I don't mean just more advanced, I mean different. We're good at tracking trends in the industry, but we're terrible at predicting sea changes. Who knew IBM was going to crash?
We're in the middle of doing it again, it seems. Microsoft is being pulled down. Linux is in a good position to change it, but who knows how it'll fall out, specifically? IBM turns into General Electric, Microsoft crashes like IBM, and Red Hat turns into Redmond Hat? Could be, could be.
So let's take a look. We need someone emblematic of that sort of Brave New World to play 19-year-old Anakin. He's got to be youthful, presentable, dynamic, fiercely intelligent, someone people will sit up and pay attention to.
I nominate Linus Torvalds.
Here are his qualifications:
1) He's well-spoken. Sure, he has a slight accent. But Anakin's mother had an accent. The actress was very worried about this but Lucas told her not to worry: "You're from the European part of the planet."
2) He's from Finland. Anybody seen Finland? He qualifies for work on the ice planet Hoth better than anybody else I can think of.
3) He could fix R2D2.
4) He could out-talk C3PO.
5) If anybody's been tempted by circumstance to go Darth Vader, it's him. ""
Slashdot Mirror
In my dreams I obtain an early bootleg copy of the next Star Wars. Because the movie is going to be over 90% digitally-rendered, I am able to "edit" a few scenes.
As soon as Jar Jar steps out for his first scene and starts uttering "Meesa Jar Jar...", a meteorite comes crashing down on his bloated, snot-green head. From that point on, his presence and voice will be completely edited and brushed away. Yeah, it will be a little weird when anakin or someone utters, "That Jar Jar, he sure is a rascal" while staring off into empty space... but hey, it is the memory right!?
I then ditribute this copy without ever getting caught. Who wants one?
Wow, I can't believe it. This guy read my mind. All summer I've been going around with the "Fizgig for Anakin Campaign" (using my real name, of course). Besides the true stuff such as actually being 19, blonde, tall, pretty smart in my own right, not all that ugly (my momma says so!), and an actor (college theater is acting too!), I have the following other qualifications:
1. I have seen all four Star Wars movies. (Took me a while to get around to Empire)
2. I am easily swayed to the dark side. It happens all the time.
3. I can choke people with my mind. Ok, not really, but I can tickle their throats . . . did you feel that? I bet you did.
Trust me, George, the Force is strong in this one. Where do I sign up?
Why does every would-be satirist from Salon think he's got a fresh spin on ridiculing George Lucas' marketing? Ever since the Phantom Menace hype, critics and fans alike seem to have flushed their collective IQs down the toilet in the mad rush to rediscover their own friggin' childhoods. This just in! Star Wars still just a kid's movie! Kids like Burger King meals! Kids like action figures! Kids probably even like those freaky-assed Jar Jar lollipops with the tongue that shoots out, but I'd wager they like it for entirely different reasons than adults do, if you get my drift.
I sometimes wonder if half the Phantom Menace backlash wasn't just from disillusioned twenty-somethings hoping to get fellated by the Messiah during Phantom Menace, but instead from weary, sleep-deprived parents who just couldn't take any more "Mom mom mom Darth Maul mom!"
What I'll never understand is the utter resentment people have for George Lucas marketing his own movie. He doesn't work through a studio! That's his own cash he's putting up for the flick! (Well, okay, technically it's probably yours, but he made the movie, you bought the ticket. You've only got yourself to blame.) Maybe you'd rather he went to Paramount and used their dough? Then they could have focus groups! That'd make a better movie! Look what it did for Armageddon!
But, really, how dare George Lucas make a profit. He should make Star Wars for charity! After all, the warm, forgiving, loving praise he receives from the fans should be reward enough for any filmmaker... yeah, right. When you have a few million to throw around, you can make the movie the way you want, too. Not the way the comic-shop employee down the street thinks you should make it.
And yeah, no one likes Jar Jar Binks, either, it hardly takes William Safire to point that out. Jar Jar Binks jokes are kind of like "Talk to the Hand" -- of note only for their outdated-ness. Speaking of which -- what's with the Andy Dick joke slapped on the end? Someone late for a deadline?
Blah. Phantom Menace didn't knock my socks off, either, but this article was god-awful stupid.
Has anybody ever notice how the nerds in Star Wars are like nerds everywhere else, but the computer stuff is all different? I don't mean just more advanced, I mean different. We're good at tracking trends in the industry, but we're terrible at predicting sea changes. Who knew IBM was going to crash?
We're in the middle of doing it again, it seems. Microsoft is being pulled down. Linux is in a good position to change it, but who knows how it'll fall out, specifically? IBM turns into General Electric, Microsoft crashes like IBM, and Red Hat turns into Redmond Hat? Could be, could be.
So let's take a look. We need someone emblematic of that sort of Brave New World to play 19-year-old Anakin. He's got to be youthful, presentable, dynamic, fiercely intelligent, someone people will sit up and pay attention to.
I nominate Linus Torvalds.
Here are his qualifications:
1) He's well-spoken. Sure, he has a slight accent. But Anakin's mother had an accent. The actress was very worried about this but Lucas told her not to worry: "You're from the European part of the planet."
2) He's from Finland. Anybody seen Finland? He qualifies for work on the ice planet Hoth better than anybody else I can think of.
3) He could fix R2D2.
4) He could out-talk C3PO.
5) If anybody's been tempted by circumstance to go Darth Vader, it's him. ""