Posted by
CmdrTaco
on from the you-gotta-read-this dept.
NullGrey writes "Salon.com has a hilarious article that is supposedly a letter to George Lucas by a young actor who would like to play Anakin in SW2. " This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time (or maybe its just because my fever broke and I'm in a great mood)
Well, I think I'd make at least a decent Anakin, but I can't guarantee I won't screw up the romance scenes with Miss Portman at least 5 to 10 times:) (heheh)...
But seriously, I hope Mr. Lucas picks the best actor possible, EP1 was a dissapointment to me, I hope EP2 won't be... worse.
-Dextius Alphaeus
-- -- Java is not a Jedi trait... "do, or do not, there is no try" --
In my dreams I obtain an early bootleg copy of the next Star Wars. Because the movie is going to be over 90% digitally-rendered, I am able to "edit" a few scenes.
As soon as Jar Jar steps out for his first scene and starts uttering "Meesa Jar Jar...", a meteorite comes crashing down on his bloated, snot-green head. From that point on, his presence and voice will be completely edited and brushed away. Yeah, it will be a little weird when anakin or someone utters, "That Jar Jar, he sure is a rascal" while staring off into empty space... but hey, it is the memory right!?
I then ditribute this copy without ever getting caught. Who wants one?
There is no justice in this world. As much as I would like to play the part of Anakin Skywalker like every other 15-35 geek boy who ever helped define the term 'cinematic obsession' in our boyhood, it's almost certain that the part will go to someone who doesn't care that much about Star Wars.
Nevermind that we'd never really sell liking Jar Jar, or that we'd push for some more explicit love scenes with Miss Portman... (Not to mention giggling irresistibly at the sight of Segfault's favourite part of Portman's anatomy...) We would, like Ewan McGregor before us, make whooshing sounds when wielding our lightsabres, and actually carry the cardboard prop like it were a dangerous weapon.
The thing that would probably outcast us the very moment we step on set is the drool, and the muttering of repetitive 'I am Darth Vader. Hot damn! I am Darth Vader.'
So, forget it. Whoever they'll pick, he'll come out of some dark cave in Siberia, and won't even know who Darth Vader is until he reads the script for Ep. 3 and demands that Lucas rewrites the part where he falls for the Dark Side.
Life is full of cruelties.
"The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays."
(As an exercise, let's see if I can offer a view dissenting from the mainstream without getting moderated down to oblivion.)
I with you on this, Infojack. These prequels are over-hyped and over-commercialised. I'd rather see Lucas exercise his considerable talents on something truly creative (like The Matrix) rather than warming over this old pot-boiler. Yet again.
(BTW, Infojack, I am *genuinely* impressed by your Karma of -29! That's some going. Do you post at -1 by default? Has anyone a more negative Karma?)
Wow, I can't believe it. This guy read my mind. All summer I've been going around with the "Fizgig for Anakin Campaign" (using my real name, of course). Besides the true stuff such as actually being 19, blonde, tall, pretty smart in my own right, not all that ugly (my momma says so!), and an actor (college theater is acting too!), I have the following other qualifications:
1. I have seen all four Star Wars movies. (Took me a while to get around to Empire) 2. I am easily swayed to the dark side. It happens all the time. 3. I can choke people with my mind. Ok, not really, but I can tickle their throats . . . did you feel that? I bet you did.
Trust me, George, the Force is strong in this one. Where do I sign up?
Hey world! George Lucas uses advertising! Get 'im!
by
marlowe23
·
· Score: 4
Oh, look, more cheap shots at KFC and Pepsi, ho-ho-ho, it is it to laugh.
Why does every would-be satirist from Salon think he's got a fresh spin on ridiculing George Lucas' marketing? Ever since the Phantom Menace hype, critics and fans alike seem to have flushed their collective IQs down the toilet in the mad rush to rediscover their own friggin' childhoods. This just in! Star Wars still just a kid's movie! Kids like Burger King meals! Kids like action figures! Kids probably even like those freaky-assed Jar Jar lollipops with the tongue that shoots out, but I'd wager they like it for entirely different reasons than adults do, if you get my drift.
I sometimes wonder if half the Phantom Menace backlash wasn't just from disillusioned twenty-somethings hoping to get fellated by the Messiah during Phantom Menace, but instead from weary, sleep-deprived parents who just couldn't take any more "Mom mom mom Darth Maul mom!"
What I'll never understand is the utter resentment people have for George Lucas marketing his own movie. He doesn't work through a studio! That's his own cash he's putting up for the flick! (Well, okay, technically it's probably yours, but he made the movie, you bought the ticket. You've only got yourself to blame.) Maybe you'd rather he went to Paramount and used their dough? Then they could have focus groups! That'd make a better movie! Look what it did for Armageddon!
But, really, how dare George Lucas make a profit. He should make Star Wars for charity! After all, the warm, forgiving, loving praise he receives from the fans should be reward enough for any filmmaker... yeah, right. When you have a few million to throw around, you can make the movie the way you want, too. Not the way the comic-shop employee down the street thinks you should make it.
And yeah, no one likes Jar Jar Binks, either, it hardly takes William Safire to point that out. Jar Jar Binks jokes are kind of like "Talk to the Hand" -- of note only for their outdated-ness. Speaking of which -- what's with the Andy Dick joke slapped on the end? Someone late for a deadline?
Blah. Phantom Menace didn't knock my socks off, either, but this article was god-awful stupid.
The perfect candidate
by
Mr.+Protocol
·
· Score: 5
Has anybody ever notice how the nerds in Star Wars are like nerds everywhere else, but the computer stuff is all different? I don't mean just more advanced, I mean different. We're good at tracking trends in the industry, but we're terrible at predicting sea changes. Who knew IBM was going to crash?
We're in the middle of doing it again, it seems. Microsoft is being pulled down. Linux is in a good position to change it, but who knows how it'll fall out, specifically? IBM turns into General Electric, Microsoft crashes like IBM, and Red Hat turns into Redmond Hat? Could be, could be.
So let's take a look. We need someone emblematic of that sort of Brave New World to play 19-year-old Anakin. He's got to be youthful, presentable, dynamic, fiercely intelligent, someone people will sit up and pay attention to.
I nominate Linus Torvalds.
Here are his qualifications:
1) He's well-spoken. Sure, he has a slight accent. But Anakin's mother had an accent. The actress was very worried about this but Lucas told her not to worry: "You're from the European part of the planet."
2) He's from Finland. Anybody seen Finland? He qualifies for work on the ice planet Hoth better than anybody else I can think of.
3) He could fix R2D2.
4) He could out-talk C3PO.
5) If anybody's been tempted by circumstance to go Darth Vader, it's him. ""
Re:Hey world! George Lucas uses advertising! Get '
by
Hard_Code
·
· Score: 2
Except that he has the nasty habit of try to preach to us with his movies.
i can see this guy *not* getting the part, and here's why - june 9, 1999? THAT's when he became sexually attracted to her? a month after the movie came out? obviously he meant may, but lucas will read that and laugh. if he even reads it, which i doubt he will.
--
--
you must amputate to email me
i read all replies to my comments
June 9, 1999 was her 18th birthday. Before that, assuming he really is 19 (or older) there was a window of time when statutory rape laws prevented him from consummating a relationship with her.
>June 9, 1999 was her 18th birthday. Before that, assuming he really is 19 (or older) there was a window of time >when statutory rape laws prevented him from consummating a relationship with her.
Or, they could have just moved to a different state - I seem to recall the lowest age of consent in the US is 14, but I can't remember what state that is. I'm pretty sure that it is 16 in Michigan (I think you might have to be within 5 years of age as well).
Re:Hey world! George Lucas uses advertising! Get '
by
Hard_Code
·
· Score: 2
Right...not at all like Star Trek. The theme of Star Trek was that all of us, regardless of gender, political, racial, ethnic, etc., boundaries need to work together. We're all in this together. Star Trek is the drama of humanity played out in space. After TNG the Star Trek franchise started sucking rocks...but humanity overcoming through unification was Rodenberry's original theme.
Contrast this to Star Wars which basically says everything is hopeless and the only chance for salvation is through nobility and dictatorship of one form or another. Outcomes are determined by chance, luck, or fate, but not due to any qualities of humanity.
As long as it's not Leo...
by
Alkaiser
·
· Score: 2
Although I believe it said they were looking for a 19-year old "actor", so DiCaprio wouldn't really qualify, now would he.
By the way, the cover version of "My Heart Will Go On" by "Good Enough" is much better, IMHO.
I'd be in favor of giving the Onion guy the part, but I don't want him going off on some diatribe halfway through the movie about how young podracers didn't make enough cash to make ends meet and how he'd have to sell his body for food if he didn't get more sex scenes with Natalie Portman.
This is a bit off-kilter too, but since we're talking about sequels, how about Tron2K. The MCP will be the Y2K Bug, and Bill Gates will play Bill Gates. If there are any Hollywood execs out there, I got a script!
-- Netjak.com independent reviews of domestic & import video ga
June 9, 1999 was Natalie Portman's eighteenth birthday. So sue me - I was sexually attracted to her long before that. -- "Some people say that I proved if you get a C average, you can end up being successful in life."
--
I think there is a world market for maybe five personal web logs.
George, I want to be in Episode 2, but near as I can figure, Anakin is the only opening...
Hmm... Well, I *am* female, but maybe this isn't a Bad Thing... Just think of all the extra times guys will come to see Episode 2 for the lesbian action. I even have short hair. And I can fence. Hey, this is looking better all the time. I mean, I'm not a lesbian right now, but that could be negotiable if that's what it'll take to be in Star Wars.
Come on. THINK of the possibilities. And for those parents that might complain, you can write my being female off as a kindof Mary Martin as Peter Pan kindof deal. If that's not wholesome family entertainment, I don't know what is...
Just think about it... That's all I'm asking.
Even the continents drift - George F. Will
Re:ME ME ME ME(Shameless self-promoting plug)
by
Lord+Kano
·
· Score: 2
James IS still alive, but he is 69. You need the voice of a younger actor to represent the voice of a younger character.
I'm the BEST prepared actor for the part.
LK
-- "Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
Re:Hey world! George Lucas uses advertising! Get '
by
Hard_Code
·
· Score: 2
If you watch the original star trek you will see how uber-cheezy it is. The costumes are so plastic, the Enterprise is so cardboard. But it still/worked/. People loved it. They did so, because it wasn't about the effects, it wasn't about technology...it was simply a vehicle for telling the story about humans of differing backgrounds working together. They could've been on a submarine.
Re:Hey world! George Lucas uses advertising! Get '
by
Hard_Code
·
· Score: 2
Actually I hadn't thought about Indiana Jones. I think that is a different issue, since because it actually has a real historical setting, there is not much to invent. As David Brin saw Hans Solo as the most "real", most human character, I would say that Indian Jones is a bit more "real" and true,/because/ he is gritty, uncouth, etc., etc. It doesn't seem like Lucas is trying to sell me on anything in the Indian Jones series.
"Analyzing kid's movies..."
I don't think Star Wars was ever a kids movie. The Phantom Menace was marketed to kids only because they knew they could make a humongous profit on the merchandise and appeal. TPM, I think is a lot more directed at kids than the others ever were. Anyway, Lucas does have his own beliefs (one of which, from his own mouth, is apparently that democracy doesn't, and shouldn't work) and philosophies and he does inject these into the Star Wars saga. I can handle just watching them as pulp kiddie movies, but they still leave an unsettling aftertaste/thought.
Slashdot Mirror
One of the funnier reads I've seen for a while, and from an author for The Onion to boot!
Well, I think I'd make at least a decent Anakin, but I can't guarantee I won't screw up the romance scenes with Miss Portman at least 5 to 10 times :) (heheh)...
... worse.
But seriously, I hope Mr. Lucas picks the best actor possible, EP1 was a dissapointment to me, I hope EP2 won't be
-Dextius Alphaeus
-- Java is not a Jedi trait... "do, or do not, there is no try" --
In my dreams I obtain an early bootleg copy of the next Star Wars. Because the movie is going to be over 90% digitally-rendered, I am able to "edit" a few scenes.
As soon as Jar Jar steps out for his first scene and starts uttering "Meesa Jar Jar...", a meteorite comes crashing down on his bloated, snot-green head. From that point on, his presence and voice will be completely edited and brushed away. Yeah, it will be a little weird when anakin or someone utters, "That Jar Jar, he sure is a rascal" while staring off into empty space... but hey, it is the memory right!?
I then ditribute this copy without ever getting caught. Who wants one?
Nevermind that we'd never really sell liking Jar Jar, or that we'd push for some more explicit love scenes with Miss Portman... (Not to mention giggling irresistibly at the sight of Segfault's favourite part of Portman's anatomy...) We would, like Ewan McGregor before us, make whooshing sounds when wielding our lightsabres, and actually carry the cardboard prop like it were a dangerous weapon.
The thing that would probably outcast us the very moment we step on set is the drool, and the muttering of repetitive 'I am Darth Vader. Hot damn! I am Darth Vader.'
So, forget it. Whoever they'll pick, he'll come out of some dark cave in Siberia, and won't even know who Darth Vader is until he reads the script for Ep. 3 and demands that Lucas rewrites the part where he falls for the Dark Side.
Life is full of cruelties.
"The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays."
(As an exercise, let's see if I can offer a view dissenting from the mainstream without getting moderated down to oblivion.)
I with you on this, Infojack. These prequels are over-hyped and over-commercialised. I'd rather see Lucas exercise his considerable talents on something truly creative (like The Matrix) rather than warming over this old pot-boiler. Yet again.
(BTW, Infojack, I am *genuinely* impressed by your Karma of -29! That's some going. Do you post at -1 by default? Has anyone a more negative Karma?)
Regards, Ralph.
Wow, I can't believe it. This guy read my mind. All summer I've been going around with the "Fizgig for Anakin Campaign" (using my real name, of course). Besides the true stuff such as actually being 19, blonde, tall, pretty smart in my own right, not all that ugly (my momma says so!), and an actor (college theater is acting too!), I have the following other qualifications:
1. I have seen all four Star Wars movies. (Took me a while to get around to Empire)
2. I am easily swayed to the dark side. It happens all the time.
3. I can choke people with my mind. Ok, not really, but I can tickle their throats . . . did you feel that? I bet you did.
Trust me, George, the Force is strong in this one. Where do I sign up?
Why does every would-be satirist from Salon think he's got a fresh spin on ridiculing George Lucas' marketing? Ever since the Phantom Menace hype, critics and fans alike seem to have flushed their collective IQs down the toilet in the mad rush to rediscover their own friggin' childhoods. This just in! Star Wars still just a kid's movie! Kids like Burger King meals! Kids like action figures! Kids probably even like those freaky-assed Jar Jar lollipops with the tongue that shoots out, but I'd wager they like it for entirely different reasons than adults do, if you get my drift.
I sometimes wonder if half the Phantom Menace backlash wasn't just from disillusioned twenty-somethings hoping to get fellated by the Messiah during Phantom Menace, but instead from weary, sleep-deprived parents who just couldn't take any more "Mom mom mom Darth Maul mom!"
What I'll never understand is the utter resentment people have for George Lucas marketing his own movie. He doesn't work through a studio! That's his own cash he's putting up for the flick! (Well, okay, technically it's probably yours, but he made the movie, you bought the ticket. You've only got yourself to blame.) Maybe you'd rather he went to Paramount and used their dough? Then they could have focus groups! That'd make a better movie! Look what it did for Armageddon!
But, really, how dare George Lucas make a profit. He should make Star Wars for charity! After all, the warm, forgiving, loving praise he receives from the fans should be reward enough for any filmmaker... yeah, right. When you have a few million to throw around, you can make the movie the way you want, too. Not the way the comic-shop employee down the street thinks you should make it.
And yeah, no one likes Jar Jar Binks, either, it hardly takes William Safire to point that out. Jar Jar Binks jokes are kind of like "Talk to the Hand" -- of note only for their outdated-ness. Speaking of which -- what's with the Andy Dick joke slapped on the end? Someone late for a deadline?
Blah. Phantom Menace didn't knock my socks off, either, but this article was god-awful stupid.
Has anybody ever notice how the nerds in Star Wars are like nerds everywhere else, but the computer stuff is all different? I don't mean just more advanced, I mean different. We're good at tracking trends in the industry, but we're terrible at predicting sea changes. Who knew IBM was going to crash?
We're in the middle of doing it again, it seems. Microsoft is being pulled down. Linux is in a good position to change it, but who knows how it'll fall out, specifically? IBM turns into General Electric, Microsoft crashes like IBM, and Red Hat turns into Redmond Hat? Could be, could be.
So let's take a look. We need someone emblematic of that sort of Brave New World to play 19-year-old Anakin. He's got to be youthful, presentable, dynamic, fiercely intelligent, someone people will sit up and pay attention to.
I nominate Linus Torvalds.
Here are his qualifications:
1) He's well-spoken. Sure, he has a slight accent. But Anakin's mother had an accent. The actress was very worried about this but Lucas told her not to worry: "You're from the European part of the planet."
2) He's from Finland. Anybody seen Finland? He qualifies for work on the ice planet Hoth better than anybody else I can think of.
3) He could fix R2D2.
4) He could out-talk C3PO.
5) If anybody's been tempted by circumstance to go Darth Vader, it's him. ""
Except that he has the nasty habit of try to preach to us with his movies.
/ 15/brin_main / 15/brin_side
http://www.salon.com/ent/movies/feature/1999/06
http://www.salon.com/ent/movies/feature/1999/06
http://www.kithrup.com/brin/starwars.html
It's 10 PM. Do you know if you're un-American?
Yeah, not at all like that content-free Star Trek stuff that Brin (quite ignorently) keeps going on about.
DrLunch.com The site that tells you what's for lunch!
i can see this guy *not* getting the part, and here's why - june 9, 1999? THAT's when he became sexually attracted to her? a month after the movie came out? obviously he meant may, but lucas will read that and laugh. if he even reads it, which i doubt he will.
--
you must amputate to email me
i read all replies to my comments
Right...not at all like Star Trek. The theme of Star Trek was that all of us, regardless of gender, political, racial, ethnic, etc., boundaries need to work together. We're all in this together. Star Trek is the drama of humanity played out in space. After TNG the Star Trek franchise started sucking rocks...but humanity overcoming through unification was Rodenberry's original theme.
Contrast this to Star Wars which basically says everything is hopeless and the only chance for salvation is through nobility and dictatorship of one form or another. Outcomes are determined by chance, luck, or fate, but not due to any qualities of humanity.
It's 10 PM. Do you know if you're un-American?
Although I believe it said they were looking for a 19-year old "actor", so DiCaprio wouldn't really qualify, now would he.
By the way, the cover version of "My Heart Will Go On" by "Good Enough" is much better, IMHO.
I'd be in favor of giving the Onion guy the part, but I don't want him going off on some diatribe halfway through the movie about how young podracers didn't make enough cash to make ends meet and how he'd have to sell his body for food if he didn't get more sex scenes with Natalie Portman.
This is a bit off-kilter too, but since we're talking about sequels, how about Tron2K. The MCP will be the Y2K Bug, and Bill Gates will play Bill Gates. If there are any Hollywood execs out there, I got a script!
Netjak.com independent reviews of domestic & import video ga
i'm 19...for another few months
i'd ruin my whole life and career and be in geo. lucas' movie for a chance to be in the same room with queen amidala. mmmmmm.
the coast guard has my ass on monday. woohoo.
"I want peace on earth and good will toward men." "We're the U.S. government. We don't do that sort of thing!!"
June 9, 1999 was Natalie Portman's eighteenth birthday. So sue me - I was sexually attracted to her long before that.
--
"Some people say that I proved if you get a C average, you can end up being successful in life."
I think there is a world market for maybe five personal web logs.
I want to be in Episode 2, but near as I can figure, Anakin is the only opening...
Hmm... Well, I *am* female, but maybe this isn't a Bad Thing... Just think of all the extra times guys will come to see Episode 2 for the lesbian action. I even have short hair. And I can fence. Hey, this is looking better all the time. I mean, I'm not a lesbian right now, but that could be negotiable if that's what it'll take to be in Star Wars.
Come on. THINK of the possibilities. And for those parents that might complain, you can write my being female off as a kindof Mary Martin as Peter Pan kindof deal. If that's not wholesome family entertainment, I don't know what is...
Just think about it... That's all I'm asking.
Even the continents drift - George F. Will
James IS still alive, but he is 69. You need the voice of a younger actor to represent the voice of a younger character.
I'm the BEST prepared actor for the part.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
If you watch the original star trek you will see how uber-cheezy it is. The costumes are so plastic, the Enterprise is so cardboard. But it still /worked/. People loved it. They did so, because it wasn't about the effects, it wasn't about technology...it was simply a vehicle for telling the story about humans of differing backgrounds working together. They could've been on a submarine.
It's 10 PM. Do you know if you're un-American?
Actually I hadn't thought about Indiana Jones. I think that is a different issue, since because it actually has a real historical setting, there is not much to invent. As David Brin saw Hans Solo as the most "real", most human character, I would say that Indian Jones is a bit more "real" and true, /because/ he is gritty, uncouth, etc., etc. It doesn't seem like Lucas is trying to sell me on anything in the Indian Jones series.
"Analyzing kid's movies..."
I don't think Star Wars was ever a kids movie. The Phantom Menace was marketed to kids only because they knew they could make a humongous profit on the merchandise and appeal. TPM, I think is a lot more directed at kids than the others ever were. Anyway, Lucas does have his own beliefs (one of which, from his own mouth, is apparently that democracy doesn't, and shouldn't work) and philosophies and he does inject these into the Star Wars saga. I can handle just watching them as pulp kiddie movies, but they still leave an unsettling aftertaste/thought.
It's 10 PM. Do you know if you're un-American?