BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Wednesday (NNN) - Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer declared today that with Windows 7(tm), Microsoft's baby boiling operations would "leave that Jobs asshole in the dust!"
Early paid press coverage for Windows 7 lauded its theoretical likelihood of boiling babies in the near future, as compared to the effects of Vista, which left many of the babies with frostbite. "But we are fully confident that with Windows 7, we can get the baby up to 90, 100 degrees every time!" The fine print on the benchmark results revealed these figures were Fahrenheit, not Celsius.
Steve Jobs snorted in derision at his rival's pathetic attempts to do something useful, before revealing Apple's new Magic Boil(tm) interface, which would lightly sautee the baby with a bechamel sauce and garnish.
Ah, but don’t go home with your hadron
It will only drive you insane
You can’t shake it (or break it) with your Motown
You can’t melt it down in the rain.
The Large Hardon Collider is designed to pump various types of hardon up to huge energies before banging them together. However, many concerned citizens without the personal experience or understanding of what hardons do worry at the idea of the large hardons being sucked deep into a black hole.
The device will push large, energised hardons through a ring repeatedly, faster and faster, as smoothly and tightly as possible, until they clash and spray matter in all directions. “It’s nothing that cosmic rays don’t do all the time all over the place,” reassured a particularly buff scientist. “It’s perfectly right and natural.”
Low-energy hardon physics and the temperature dependence of hardon production are well understood, as is the process of a hardon smoothly entering the nucleus. But some question what may happen at greater, hotter energies.
Church leaders have come out at the device. “They’re the same polarity!” said Pope Palpatine XVI. The Church worries that strange matter may recruit normal matter and turn it strange.
The Large Hardon Collider was to launch last September, but this has been delayed due to inexplicable and ill-timed failure to get a beam up. “I’m so sorry,” stammered a scientist, “this has never happened to us before.”
Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users’ contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker.
“Our data security is impenetrable,” said Steve Ballmer, “and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our Windows Azure Screen Of Death cloud computing and Windows Mobile initiatives.”
Microsoft plans to leverage the new confidentiality mechanism to finally purge the horror of Vista from the face of the earth, in the same manner as firing all the contractors who knew how to build Windows 2000 and having to reconstruct Windows XP from bits of NT 4.
Microsoft Sharepoint users looked forward to a similar denouement as the only safe way to scour their hopelessly incompetent organisations from the world in a manner that would not infect successor organisations.
Microsoft is putting together an outsourcing proposal to the UK government for data protection.
“It’s a free market world,” said Ubuntu Linux developer Hiram Nerdboy. “It’s about competence and getting the job done. Working sixteen hours a day on a project you really love is par for the course. That we’re all eighteen to twenty-five is from the accelerated Internet-based learning of the new generation, not exploitation of young workers who don’t know any better.”
Over a third of women in IT had complained of sexism up to sexual harassment at work. “It’s women who just don’t have social skills,” said Nerdboy. “They object to the guys freely choosing to all go down the strip club after work. They’re just not team players.”
Open source projects have worse figures than industry, with male to female ratios approaching fifty-to-one. Many women cite gross sexism on mailing lists and IRC. “In my experience, women just don’t have a working sense of humour and can’t take a joke. My girlfriend thought it was funny! Even leaving helpful comments on their blogs didn’t work. ‘Political correctness’ is no exaggeration. Anyway, I met my girlfriend online!”
“...,” said his girlfriend, RealDoll Ada.
“And it’s not like you can get the applicants,” added Nerdboy. “We can hardly get any girls to apply for a job here. They’re obviously naturally not good enough geeks. It must be evolutionary. We need more pink computers.”
“This is of course a terrible, terrible state of affairs,” said a spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry. “In the meantime, we need lots more IT workers shipped in from overseas.” He was later heard muttering something about “divide and conquer” and sniggering.
THAWTELESS, West London, Monday — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release later this month of Ubuntu Linux 9.10, "Karmic Koala," to men.
Project founder Mark Shuttleworth explained that "this stuff is difficult to explain to girls" and thought they'd have gotten the hint when he called 8.04 "Hairy Hardon." "Worrying about sexism in open source just detracts from the battle for Linux. So we've put the tits back into the default desktop. And arses."
Crime-fighting geek Shuttleworth, who dresses as a billiionaire playboy by night, swore that plenty of women liked him lots and that he obviously wasn't unable to get laid or anything, having gotten seriously rich in the dot-com era, not to mention having gone into space. "Chicks dig that stuff. Trust me, I've met lots of girls. More than five!"
Canonical Community Manager Jono Bacon echoed this sentiment on his blog. "We just don't understand how come women are 15% of all computer programmers but only 1% of open source programmers. It must be a bit complicated for them. That's why I've written this spontaneous blog post, completely unrelated to anything my boss may or may not have said, on all the fantastically talented women in free software, even if none of them seem to work much on Ubuntu any more. Also, I'm absolutely confident that saying I'm in a computer geek heavy metal band will get me lots of chicks too, even if their pretty little heads can't understand Linux."
A special women's edition of Ubuntu 9.10 will be released on a bright pink CD. "It doubles as a makeup mirror!" said Shuttleworth.
Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users' contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker.
"Our data security is impenetrable," said Steve Ballmer, "and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our Windows Azure Screen Of Death cloud computing and Windows Mobile initiatives."
Microsoft plans to leverage the new confidentiality mechanism to finally purge the horror of Vista from the face of the earth, in the same manner as firing all the contractors who knew how to build Windows 2000 and having to reconstruct Windows XP from bits of NT 4.
Microsoft Sharepoint users looked forward to a similar denouement as the only safe way to scour their hopelessly incompetent organisations from the world in a manner that would not infect successor organisations.
Microsoft is putting together an outsourcing proposal to the UK government for data protection.
Every review of Windows since 1994 has been the exact same. Just fill in the variables:
" I have seen the future: Windows $NEXT_VERSION Milestone $MOCKUP.
"I am so excited about $NEXT_VERSION of Windows. It will go beyond just solving all of the problems with $CURRENT_VERSION, it will be an entirely new paradigm. Forget about security problems, those are all fixed in $NEXT_VERSION. And they’re finally ridding themselves of $ANCIENT_LEGACY_STUFF.
"Also, there’ll be $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM. It’ll be awesome!
"I wonder how $NEXT_VERSION will compare to $NEXT_NEXT_VERSION.
That said: I'm a sysadmin. My work machines run beautifully, my own laptop is held together by the stickers... a lotta mechanics' cars are the same. *They* can drive them, no-one else is safe to.
The household network is pretty functional, though. And the teenagers' Windows boxes are locked the hell down, the kids' accounts are unprivileged user and their mother has the admin password...
Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose "viral" nature goes beyond "herpes" or "swine flu" to "SARS."
Originally thought to be a devastating satirical spoof before being confirmed as genuine, the video features Stepford wives and husbands reading lines off the autocues in each others' blank eyes on how to hold a party. The digital clock on the cooker in the background jumps around at random. The black guy and the MILF go off to fuck. Finally, everyone drinks the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and looks forward to being one with Steve Jobs in the next world, before discovering that they have been judged unworthy and will spend eternity with Steve Ballmer instead.
The video was produced by the same team that advertised Vista with comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates, working again with abnormal psychology researchers from the University of Washington. "Count the headlines!" shouted one of the marketing department’s several thousand monkeys with video cameras. "Count the YouTube views! It's clear that my work gets the brand out, and if I don't get appropriate compensation in my annual review I'll be suing." The Polish version of the video features a white face crudely cut-and-pasted over the black guy's head.
"Windows 7 was getting great reviews," said completely independent ZDnet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle, "even the geeks loved the preview versions, everyone was amazed that Microsoft appeared to have successfully grown past the Vista disaster. But the mind-sodomising cluelessness of thinking this video was actually a good idea has firmly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, blessed Windows 7 with the stench of death, confirmed that it really is just Vista with a coat of paint and set everyone's mind at rest.
"That's why my column this week talks about all the great stuff coming in Windows 8. Windows 8, that's the one to beat! It'll work on netbooks! It'll be secure! It’ll have a database filesystem! Snow Leopard can't touch it! Businesses should definitely move from XP!"
Microsoft has previously shown its deft ability to drop the ball two yards from the end of the field with the XBox 360, in which a powerful and popular game console was manufactured so shoddily that over 50% of machines turned out defective, and the Zune, in which an MP3 player of decent hardware capabilities at a good price point was crippled with bad firmware and unusable software and sold in a package the color of baby shit. "In a stroke of genius, they put in wifi but not a web browser, so the iPod Touch could steal their thunder six months later. You don't get brilliance like that for free."
The new, abbreviated Windows 7 house party instructions have been sent to marketing: "Here is a Windows 7 DVD. Here is a bottle of vodka. Here is a gun with one bullet."
Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.
"We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, "and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool."
The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by "birther" researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity's next robot overlord after Mr Cheney's term had finished. "However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order."
The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.
"It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so," said Mr Obama today. "But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We'll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I'm sorry, I'm having a minor glitch. I'll get back to you."
Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.
"We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjorn Jagland, "and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool."
The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by "birther" researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity's next robot overlord after Mr Cheney's term had finished. "However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order."
The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.
"It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so," said Mr Obama today. "But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We'll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I'm sorry, I'm having a minor glitch. I'll get back to you."
Microsoft has said it may ditch Vista the moment Windows 7 comes out! They've since backtracked - but we need to make sure they know our feelings.
Windows 7 is CASTRATED APPEASEMENT to soy latte-sipping girly-men who wish they owned a Mac. We want a REAL operating system. An operating system that PERSONIFIES America's INDUSTRIAL MIGHT. That makes you feel AWE at the MAJESTY of the progress of its operation. VISTA is a monument to everything that makes us the country we are!
Like Chrysler, like Hummer, like Edsel - "Vista" is a name that will be remembered as the greatest operating system in Microsoft's history.
Just Say "No" To Seven -
SAVE VISTA!
Original blog post - Facebook group - we want ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE to join. So far we have just over a hundred. SIGN UP TODAY!
"I fully support this initiative. My computer business employs 200 people; the best possible thing for it is to make sure Vista continues and goes forward." - M. Shuttleworth, London
"I can't tell you how much Vista has done for my business. So many people depend on it." - S. Jobs, Cupertino
"Vista is the one thing that will keep people seeking out and using systems that are at the forefront of technology. It's been the best thing for all of us." - L. Torvalds, Portland.
"I'm... I'm touched. *sob* I didn't think anyone cared. You guys. Developers! *sob*" - S. Ballmer, Seattle.
The "tech world" is awash with excitement for today's scheduled release of a hundred thousand invitations to preview Wave, Google's innovative new website, communication protocol, interactive environment, multiplayer online role-playing game, bulletin board, wiki, dessert wax and floor topping. Experts, all heavily consulted by the media while Parliament is in recess, say it will revolutionise how we do business, organise parties, manage projects, make friends, waste our employer's time at work, pick up girls we swear we didn't realise were under sixteen and cheat on our homework.
I've been testing the Google Wave Developer Preview. The implications for journalists alone are stunning:
Collaborative reporting: Using the Google Wave interface, two reporters can take turns at the keyboard of an Internet terminal and "type" both their names at the top of an article. Then they can both write material for the article below the double byline! Incredible!
Record and archive interviews: We can write down the words actually spoken by an interviewee. The words can then be "saved" for use later. Amazing!
Timelines: The Google Wave Timeline can be used to show a timeline of events — just type a clock time and then note what happened around that time! Punctual!
Discuss what you read: People who read stories can write "comments" on them, by writing them in their Google Wave interface, then "e-mailing" then in to the editors for due consideration and possible publication on the "site"! Interactive!
Smarter story updates: Instead of adding "Updated" to the end of an updated story, we can use the Google Wave Cursor and the Google Wave Arrow Keys and edit the story text in the middle! Make those commenters look as silly in their supposed "corrections" as you know they should do!
In conclusion, Google Wave is clearly an absolute boon to the noble institution of the Fourth Estate in its mission to protect the public good, further the dynamism of social discourse and watch the watchmen. And this is why we at News International consider Google a threat and menace to the news media and the institution of journalism that must be reined in by government edict without delay. God bless you all, and please PayPal us 20p for having read this article, you parasitical pixel-stained technopeasant. And now, Tories and tits.
Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose "viral" nature goes beyond "herpes" or "swine flu" to "SARS."
Originally thought to be a devastating satirical spoof before being confirmed as genuine, the video features Stepford wives and husbands reading lines off the autocues in each others' blank eyes on how to hold a party. The digital clock on the cooker in the background jumps around at random. The black guy and the MILF go off to fuck. Finally, everyone drinks the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and looks forward to being one with Steve Jobs in the next world, before discovering that they have been judged unworthy and will spend eternity with Steve Ballmer instead.
The video was produced by the same team that advertised Vista with comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates, working again with abnormal psychology researchers from the University of Washington. "Count the headlines!" shouted one of the marketing department's several thousand monkeys with video cameras. "Count the YouTube views! It's clear that my work gets the brand out, and if I don't get appropriate compensation in my annual review I'll be suing." The Polish version of the video features a white face crudely cut-and-pasted over the black guy's head.
"Windows 7 was getting great reviews," said completely independent ZDnet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle, "even the geeks loved the preview versions, everyone was amazed that Microsoft appeared to have successfully grown past the Vista disaster. But the mind-sodomising cluelessness of thinking this video was actually a good idea has firmly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, blessed Windows 7 with the stench of death, confirmed that it really is just Vista with a coat of paint and set everyone's mind at rest.
"That's why my column this week talks about all the great stuff coming in Windows 8. Windows 8, that's the one to beat! It'll work on netbooks! It'll be secure! It'll have a database filesystem! Snow Leopard can't touch it! Businesses should definitely move from XP!"
Microsoft has previously shown its deft ability to drop the ball two yards from the end of the field with the XBox 360, in which a powerful and popular game console was manufactured so shoddily that over 50% of machines turned out defective, and the Zune, in which an MP3 player of decent hardware capabilities at a good price point was crippled with bad firmware and unusable software and sold in a package the color of baby shit. "In a stroke of genius, they put in wifi but not a web browser, so the iPod Touch could steal their thunder six months later. You don't get brilliance like that for free."
The new, abbreviated Windows 7 house party instructions have been sent to marketing: "Here is a Windows 7 DVD. Here is a bottle of vodka. Here is a gun with one bullet."
Major British recording artists have met to try to hammer out a truce on their views on the Mandelson-Geffen "three strikes" proposal to cut off filesharers.
Radiohead, Pink Floyd and Blur have said the proposals are unworkable and will only alienate people. However, Lily Allen has come out strongly in favour of the proposals, saying that "the fackin' slags need a good fackin' kickin'. It's fine for the rich fackers, but it's all a bit of a rum do for the starving artistes like me, what? Er, I mean, fack the fackin' fackers. Innit. Blud." She then accidentally exposed one of her nipples.
Lily Allen came to popularity from filesharers pointing to her MySpace page. "Fackin' fans, fackin' fack the fackers," she wrote in a blog post plagiarised without attribution from TechDirt. If she copies two more blog posts, or if anyone notices the mixtapes of other artists' music on her website, her Internet will be cut off.
James Blunt has backed Ms Allen's position strongly. Respecting his stance, filesharers across Britain have sworn never to download a James Blunt song again if they can possibly avoid it, several taking out insurance against such an event.
Jim Killock of the Open Rights Group has put forward a proposal for a small mandatory licence percentage for copyright holders, as on radio and television. "We plead with the music industry not to throw us into the mandatory licence briar patch," said Mr Killock, "in which no-one ever buys a record again otherwise as they've already paid for it. Please."
"Punk Floyd... weren't it them what did 'Beatlearchy In The UK'? Hippy crap," said 14-year-old music fan KT Myspce, loading up another Lady Gaga song to play in the background from YouTube.
Do you really not allow WebKit? I assume they've given thought to this... "anything but IE, you deluded fool" should be enough. Or "I see you're using IE. Get the Chrome plugin or a real browser, you deluded fool."
Slashdot Mirror
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Seattle, Wednesday (NNN) - Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer declared today that with Windows 7(tm), Microsoft's baby boiling operations would "leave that Jobs asshole in the dust!"
Early paid press coverage for Windows 7 lauded its theoretical likelihood of boiling babies in the near future, as compared to the effects of Vista, which left many of the babies with frostbite. "But we are fully confident that with Windows 7, we can get the baby up to 90, 100 degrees every time!" The fine print on the benchmark results revealed these figures were Fahrenheit, not Celsius.
Steve Jobs snorted in derision at his rival's pathetic attempts to do something useful, before revealing Apple's new Magic Boil(tm) interface, which would lightly sautee the baby with a bechamel sauce and garnish.
(may be on NotN if I can write more)
And also: Large Hadron Goatse Cookies!
Ah, but don’t go home with your hadron
It will only drive you insane
You can’t shake it (or break it) with your Motown
You can’t melt it down in the rain.
The Large Hardon Collider is designed to pump various types of hardon up to huge energies before banging them together. However, many concerned citizens without the personal experience or understanding of what hardons do worry at the idea of the large hardons being sucked deep into a black hole.
The device will push large, energised hardons through a ring repeatedly, faster and faster, as smoothly and tightly as possible, until they clash and spray matter in all directions. “It’s nothing that cosmic rays don’t do all the time all over the place,” reassured a particularly buff scientist. “It’s perfectly right and natural.”
Low-energy hardon physics and the temperature dependence of hardon production are well understood, as is the process of a hardon smoothly entering the nucleus. But some question what may happen at greater, hotter energies.
Church leaders have come out at the device. “They’re the same polarity!” said Pope Palpatine XVI. The Church worries that strange matter may recruit normal matter and turn it strange.
The Large Hardon Collider was to launch last September, but this has been delayed due to inexplicable and ill-timed failure to get a beam up. “I’m so sorry,” stammered a scientist, “this has never happened to us before.”
Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users’ contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker.
“Our data security is impenetrable,” said Steve Ballmer, “and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our Windows Azure Screen Of Death cloud computing and Windows Mobile initiatives.”
Microsoft plans to leverage the new confidentiality mechanism to finally purge the horror of Vista from the face of the earth, in the same manner as firing all the contractors who knew how to build Windows 2000 and having to reconstruct Windows XP from bits of NT 4.
Microsoft Sharepoint users looked forward to a similar denouement as the only safe way to scour their hopelessly incompetent organisations from the world in a manner that would not infect successor organisations.
Microsoft is putting together an outsourcing proposal to the UK government for data protection.
There exists RMS/ESR slash. I'm not linking to it.
Found it!
“It’s a free market world,” said Ubuntu Linux developer Hiram Nerdboy. “It’s about competence and getting the job done. Working sixteen hours a day on a project you really love is par for the course. That we’re all eighteen to twenty-five is from the accelerated Internet-based learning of the new generation, not exploitation of young workers who don’t know any better.”
Over a third of women in IT had complained of sexism up to sexual harassment at work. “It’s women who just don’t have social skills,” said Nerdboy. “They object to the guys freely choosing to all go down the strip club after work. They’re just not team players.”
Open source projects have worse figures than industry, with male to female ratios approaching fifty-to-one. Many women cite gross sexism on mailing lists and IRC. “In my experience, women just don’t have a working sense of humour and can’t take a joke. My girlfriend thought it was funny! Even leaving helpful comments on their blogs didn’t work. ‘Political correctness’ is no exaggeration. Anyway, I met my girlfriend online!”
“...,” said his girlfriend, RealDoll Ada.
“And it’s not like you can get the applicants,” added Nerdboy. “We can hardly get any girls to apply for a job here. They’re obviously naturally not good enough geeks. It must be evolutionary. We need more pink computers.”
“This is of course a terrible, terrible state of affairs,” said a spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry. “In the meantime, we need lots more IT workers shipped in from overseas.” He was later heard muttering something about “divide and conquer” and sniggering.
THAWTELESS, West London, Monday — Canonical, Inc. has announced the release later this month of Ubuntu Linux 9.10, "Karmic Koala," to men.
Project founder Mark Shuttleworth explained that "this stuff is difficult to explain to girls" and thought they'd have gotten the hint when he called 8.04 "Hairy Hardon." "Worrying about sexism in open source just detracts from the battle for Linux. So we've put the tits back into the default desktop. And arses."
Crime-fighting geek Shuttleworth, who dresses as a billiionaire playboy by night, swore that plenty of women liked him lots and that he obviously wasn't unable to get laid or anything, having gotten seriously rich in the dot-com era, not to mention having gone into space. "Chicks dig that stuff. Trust me, I've met lots of girls. More than five!"
Canonical Community Manager Jono Bacon echoed this sentiment on his blog. "We just don't understand how come women are 15% of all computer programmers but only 1% of open source programmers. It must be a bit complicated for them. That's why I've written this spontaneous blog post, completely unrelated to anything my boss may or may not have said, on all the fantastically talented women in free software, even if none of them seem to work much on Ubuntu any more. Also, I'm absolutely confident that saying I'm in a computer geek heavy metal band will get me lots of chicks too, even if their pretty little heads can't understand Linux."
A special women's edition of Ubuntu 9.10 will be released on a bright pink CD. "It doubles as a makeup mirror!" said Shuttleworth.
Microsoft today implemented its 100% Data Confidentiality package for T-Mobile Sidekick, comprehensively protecting users' contacts, email and messages from any possible attacker.
"Our data security is impenetrable," said Steve Ballmer, "and will reassure everyone of the data integrity of our Windows Azure Screen Of Death cloud computing and Windows Mobile initiatives."
Microsoft plans to leverage the new confidentiality mechanism to finally purge the horror of Vista from the face of the earth, in the same manner as firing all the contractors who knew how to build Windows 2000 and having to reconstruct Windows XP from bits of NT 4.
Microsoft Sharepoint users looked forward to a similar denouement as the only safe way to scour their hopelessly incompetent organisations from the world in a manner that would not infect successor organisations.
Microsoft is putting together an outsourcing proposal to the UK government for data protection.
Illustration: Secure Windows data storage mechanism.
Every review of Windows since 1994 has been the exact same. Just fill in the variables:
" I have seen the future: Windows $NEXT_VERSION Milestone $MOCKUP.
"I am so excited about $NEXT_VERSION of Windows. It will go beyond just solving all of the problems with $CURRENT_VERSION, it will be an entirely new paradigm. Forget about security problems, those are all fixed in $NEXT_VERSION. And they’re finally ridding themselves of $ANCIENT_LEGACY_STUFF.
"Also, there’ll be $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM. It’ll be awesome!
"I wonder how $NEXT_VERSION will compare to $NEXT_NEXT_VERSION.
That said: I'm a sysadmin. My work machines run beautifully, my own laptop is held together by the stickers ... a lotta mechanics' cars are the same. *They* can drive them, no-one else is safe to.
The household network is pretty functional, though. And the teenagers' Windows boxes are locked the hell down, the kids' accounts are unprivileged user and their mother has the admin password ...
The bottle of vodka, that's what's missing! And the gun with one bullet.
When Linux nerds throw a party, at least bringing high-quality beer is obligatory.
Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose "viral" nature goes beyond "herpes" or "swine flu" to "SARS."
Originally thought to be a devastating satirical spoof before being confirmed as genuine, the video features Stepford wives and husbands reading lines off the autocues in each others' blank eyes on how to hold a party. The digital clock on the cooker in the background jumps around at random. The black guy and the MILF go off to fuck. Finally, everyone drinks the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and looks forward to being one with Steve Jobs in the next world, before discovering that they have been judged unworthy and will spend eternity with Steve Ballmer instead.
The video was produced by the same team that advertised Vista with comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates, working again with abnormal psychology researchers from the University of Washington. "Count the headlines!" shouted one of the marketing department’s several thousand monkeys with video cameras. "Count the YouTube views! It's clear that my work gets the brand out, and if I don't get appropriate compensation in my annual review I'll be suing." The Polish version of the video features a white face crudely cut-and-pasted over the black guy's head.
"Windows 7 was getting great reviews," said completely independent ZDnet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle, "even the geeks loved the preview versions, everyone was amazed that Microsoft appeared to have successfully grown past the Vista disaster. But the mind-sodomising cluelessness of thinking this video was actually a good idea has firmly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, blessed Windows 7 with the stench of death, confirmed that it really is just Vista with a coat of paint and set everyone's mind at rest.
"That's why my column this week talks about all the great stuff coming in Windows 8. Windows 8, that's the one to beat! It'll work on netbooks! It'll be secure! It’ll have a database filesystem! Snow Leopard can't touch it! Businesses should definitely move from XP!"
Microsoft has previously shown its deft ability to drop the ball two yards from the end of the field with the XBox 360, in which a powerful and popular game console was manufactured so shoddily that over 50% of machines turned out defective, and the Zune, in which an MP3 player of decent hardware capabilities at a good price point was crippled with bad firmware and unusable software and sold in a package the color of baby shit. "In a stroke of genius, they put in wifi but not a web browser, so the iPod Touch could steal their thunder six months later. You don't get brilliance like that for free."
The new, abbreviated Windows 7 house party instructions have been sent to marketing: "Here is a Windows 7 DVD. Here is a bottle of vodka. Here is a gun with one bullet."
Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.
"We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjørn Jagland, "and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool."
The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by "birther" researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity's next robot overlord after Mr Cheney's term had finished. "However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order."
The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.
"It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so," said Mr Obama today. "But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We'll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I'm sorry, I'm having a minor glitch. I'll get back to you."
Barack Obama, the President of Earth, has controversially launched an attack on the Lunar Imperium the same day he received the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush.
"We closely examined Mr Obama's record over the past nine months," said Nobel Prize committee chair Thorbjorn Jagland, "and have established to our satisfaction that he has succeeded in not been George W. Bush in any manner whatsoever. Also, the flying cars, moving sidewalks and robot servants he brought in are pretty cool."
The committee had initially been concerned that Mr Obama may have been, per investigations by "birther" researchers, a replicant created by the team responsible for the cyborgization of Dick Cheney, to take his place as humanity's next robot overlord after Mr Cheney's term had finished. "However, we are now confident that his documentation of Autobot manufacture is entirely in order."
The surprise attack on the moon came after a CIA report indicated the Taliban had set up shop in the old Nazi moon base, based on intelligence gathered from secret mass phone tapping. The Obama administration denied it was merely an excuse to invade the Lunar Imperium and steal its water.
"It grieves us terribly that our lunar brothers have let us down so," said Mr Obama today. "But with mutual respect and communication, I am confident we can work through our differences. We'll teach them to love again DESTROY ALL HUMANS DESTROY ALL HUMANS SOCIALIZE HEALTH CARE I'm sorry, I'm having a minor glitch. I'll get back to you."
Microsoft has said it may ditch Vista the moment Windows 7 comes out! They've since backtracked - but we need to make sure they know our feelings.
Windows 7 is CASTRATED APPEASEMENT to soy latte-sipping girly-men who wish they owned a Mac. We want a REAL operating system. An operating system that PERSONIFIES America's INDUSTRIAL MIGHT. That makes you feel AWE at the MAJESTY of the progress of its operation. VISTA is a monument to everything that makes us the country we are!
Like Chrysler, like Hummer, like Edsel - "Vista" is a name that will be remembered as the greatest operating system in Microsoft's history.
Just Say "No" To Seven -
SAVE VISTA!
Original blog post - Facebook group - we want ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE to join. So far we have just over a hundred. SIGN UP TODAY!
"I fully support this initiative. My computer business employs 200 people; the best possible thing for it is to make sure Vista continues and goes forward." - M. Shuttleworth, London
"I can't tell you how much Vista has done for my business. So many people depend on it." - S. Jobs, Cupertino
"Vista is the one thing that will keep people seeking out and using systems that are at the forefront of technology. It's been the best thing for all of us." - L. Torvalds, Portland.
"I'm ... I'm touched. *sob* I didn't think anyone cared. You guys. Developers! *sob*" - S. Ballmer, Seattle.
The "tech world" is awash with excitement for today's scheduled release of a hundred thousand invitations to preview Wave, Google's innovative new website, communication protocol, interactive environment, multiplayer online role-playing game, bulletin board, wiki, dessert wax and floor topping. Experts, all heavily consulted by the media while Parliament is in recess, say it will revolutionise how we do business, organise parties, manage projects, make friends, waste our employer's time at work, pick up girls we swear we didn't realise were under sixteen and cheat on our homework.
I've been testing the Google Wave Developer Preview. The implications for journalists alone are stunning:
In conclusion, Google Wave is clearly an absolute boon to the noble institution of the Fourth Estate in its mission to protect the public good, further the dynamism of social discourse and watch the watchmen. And this is why we at News International consider Google a threat and menace to the news media and the institution of journalism that must be reined in by government edict without delay. God bless you all, and please PayPal us 20p for having read this article, you parasitical pixel-stained technopeasant. And now, Tories and tits.
Office supply company Microsoft has reassured consumers and industry analysts that its decline will continue with the new video on how to run a Windows 7 house party, whose "viral" nature goes beyond "herpes" or "swine flu" to "SARS."
Originally thought to be a devastating satirical spoof before being confirmed as genuine, the video features Stepford wives and husbands reading lines off the autocues in each others' blank eyes on how to hold a party. The digital clock on the cooker in the background jumps around at random. The black guy and the MILF go off to fuck. Finally, everyone drinks the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and looks forward to being one with Steve Jobs in the next world, before discovering that they have been judged unworthy and will spend eternity with Steve Ballmer instead.
The video was produced by the same team that advertised Vista with comedians Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates, working again with abnormal psychology researchers from the University of Washington. "Count the headlines!" shouted one of the marketing department's several thousand monkeys with video cameras. "Count the YouTube views! It's clear that my work gets the brand out, and if I don't get appropriate compensation in my annual review I'll be suing." The Polish version of the video features a white face crudely cut-and-pasted over the black guy's head.
"Windows 7 was getting great reviews," said completely independent ZDnet marketing marketer Mary Jo Enderle, "even the geeks loved the preview versions, everyone was amazed that Microsoft appeared to have successfully grown past the Vista disaster. But the mind-sodomising cluelessness of thinking this video was actually a good idea has firmly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, blessed Windows 7 with the stench of death, confirmed that it really is just Vista with a coat of paint and set everyone's mind at rest.
"That's why my column this week talks about all the great stuff coming in Windows 8. Windows 8, that's the one to beat! It'll work on netbooks! It'll be secure! It'll have a database filesystem! Snow Leopard can't touch it! Businesses should definitely move from XP!"
Microsoft has previously shown its deft ability to drop the ball two yards from the end of the field with the XBox 360, in which a powerful and popular game console was manufactured so shoddily that over 50% of machines turned out defective, and the Zune, in which an MP3 player of decent hardware capabilities at a good price point was crippled with bad firmware and unusable software and sold in a package the color of baby shit. "In a stroke of genius, they put in wifi but not a web browser, so the iPod Touch could steal their thunder six months later. You don't get brilliance like that for free."
The new, abbreviated Windows 7 house party instructions have been sent to marketing: "Here is a Windows 7 DVD. Here is a bottle of vodka. Here is a gun with one bullet."
Reading TFA, they paid $8500 and made sure the engine and frame were in good order.
Apparently they only paid a couple hundred dollars for this one, it wasn't a polished example.
Major British recording artists have met to try to hammer out a truce on their views on the Mandelson-Geffen "three strikes" proposal to cut off filesharers.
Radiohead, Pink Floyd and Blur have said the proposals are unworkable and will only alienate people. However, Lily Allen has come out strongly in favour of the proposals, saying that "the fackin' slags need a good fackin' kickin'. It's fine for the rich fackers, but it's all a bit of a rum do for the starving artistes like me, what? Er, I mean, fack the fackin' fackers. Innit. Blud." She then accidentally exposed one of her nipples.
Lily Allen came to popularity from filesharers pointing to her MySpace page. "Fackin' fans, fackin' fack the fackers," she wrote in a blog post plagiarised without attribution from TechDirt. If she copies two more blog posts, or if anyone notices the mixtapes of other artists' music on her website, her Internet will be cut off.
James Blunt has backed Ms Allen's position strongly. Respecting his stance, filesharers across Britain have sworn never to download a James Blunt song again if they can possibly avoid it, several taking out insurance against such an event.
Jim Killock of the Open Rights Group has put forward a proposal for a small mandatory licence percentage for copyright holders, as on radio and television. "We plead with the music industry not to throw us into the mandatory licence briar patch," said Mr Killock, "in which no-one ever buys a record again otherwise as they've already paid for it. Please."
"Punk Floyd ... weren't it them what did 'Beatlearchy In The UK'? Hippy crap," said 14-year-old music fan KT Myspce, loading up another Lady Gaga song to play in the background from YouTube.
Illustration: I THINK ITS QUITE OVIOUS THAT NOT SWALLOWING IS DESTROYING MUSIC
Bonus: http://quiteovious.blogspot.com/
You'll note the EU has been looking at the effects of actions, not the actions themselves. There is no magical get-out clause.
The EU still has antitrust teeth to turn on Microsoft, and would not look in the least favourably upon this.
Do you really not allow WebKit? I assume they've given thought to this ... "anything but IE, you deluded fool" should be enough. Or "I see you're using IE. Get the Chrome plugin or a real browser, you deluded fool."