A direct neural interface to post on Twitter has been created by Adam Wilson of the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
"We originally hooked it to the brain," said Wilson, "but only a very limited selection of messages came out, that appeared to be coming from somewhere else. So we've just gone directly to the penis without the middleman."
Male humans suffer from having functional bodies trapped with almost completely paralysed minds. The penis is an organ used by male humans primarily for thinking and making important decisions. It is also used as an outlet for unwanted poisonous bodily excreta, such as sperm.
The messages — or "twats" — cover the full gamut of human experience and emotion in 140 characters, from "ANOTHER PINT WHAT AN EXCELLENT IDEA" to "DYING FOR A SLASH" to "GDAY LUV NICE TITS" to "WOOHOO GOT A GOER HERE" to "WOKE UP DEAD PIG SHAT IN SKULL OH DEAR GOD WTF IS THAT MUST CHEW ARM OFF."
"The next stage is a feedback loop for at-replies," said Wilson. "We're hoping to create the dream of every Internet user: a response system that will send five hundred volts through someone's pants when they say something unbelievably stupid."
The thing about this movie is, Zack Snyder did a lunatic gamble called "300" and it actually paid off. And the studio guys went "Jesus WTF" and are happy to let him do it again - you do weird shit and get away with it and they do let you try again at least once. Wonder what he'll pick for a third try.
And of course, the BIG BLUE DONG is all the excuse needed for the absolutely artistically and dramatically necessary Silk Spectre II T&A. Mmm, yes indeed.
I was most pleased to watch the Lord Of The Rings extended DVD editions, because, unlike the theatrical cuts, they had enough of the plot to actually make sense.
(I am likely an outlier, as I loved the LOTR movies but have read the books precisely once and never plan to again.)
As a long-time fan of the comic, I think the movie damn well got it right. (In fact, I think the movie ending makes more sense than the comic book ending.) Also, it'll sell on DVD forever. There's no way it won't make back the money.
(My wife saw it with me - she hadn't read the comic and thought it was great. So it does in fact seem to work as a standalone.)
Microsoft snatches publicity crown from Ubuntu
on
Ubuntu 9.04 Released
·
· Score: 5, Funny
In a stunning public relations coup, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MNPLY) has successfully overshadowed today's release of Ubuntu Linux 9.04 "Jaunty Jubblies" by announcing its failed financials for a fourth quarter in a row and laying even more people off.
Microsoft announced new and expanded roles for remaining key executives as another several lesser, losing quitters deserted upper management. "It shows the fantastic opportunity available to everyone at Microsoft to climb seven or eight reporting levels up the org chart," said marketing marketer Steve Ballmer to pitchfork-wielding Wall Street analysts today. "If we haven't laid them off for making too much money or not kissing enough ass."
The Yahoo! deal is expected to go ahead. "We figure they'll go broke before we do. Probably." Mr Ballmer also plans to run the Yahoo! servers on Windows NT rather than FreeBSD after a similar change worked so well at Hotmail. "Some say synergy's another word for two plus two equals one, but you just have to make the value of one work for you."
Windows 7 betas have been greeted with remarkable positive press. "Of course, the betas preview the 'champagne and hookers' edition, which would be way too much for netbooks and explode users' brains. Imagine thinking those little things are computers! So we're releasing what we call Windows 7 Dumbass Edition. It lets you log in and look at the shiny. Even Spider Solitaire has the ribbon toolbar! And you can buy an upgrade to the version that runs programs! It lets you do that!"
Dumbass Edition comes with pre-installed viruses to make the computer part of the Storm, Conficker and FBI botnets. "If you can't beat ’em, join ’em."
However, Microsoft has indicated to its press corps, Microsoft Completely Enderlependent Analysts, to ixnay on the evensay and highlight the job openings for work on Windows 8, firmly penciled in for a 2012 release. Windows 8 will be optimised for low-end 32-core systems with a mere 16 gigabytes of memory — 28 cores for the interface, 3 cores for the DRM and one core for everything else. "Seven is just so this year. I hear they'll get $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM done next release for sure!" said ZDNet marketing marketer Mary-Jo Enderle. "It'll be awesome!"
"I'm sure it'll be fine, fine," said Bill Gates, upping his hours at his charitable foundation and scheduling the sale of several more packages of Microsoft stock.
Larry Ellison of Oracle, who recently purchased Sun Microsystems, merely snickered, muttered "Java. OpenOffice." and let out a long and resounding laugh.
Mark Shuttleworth of Canonical, speaking from his castle on a crag high on a mountaintop in west London, was sanguine at Ubuntu's news being overshadowed. "I lost ten million dollars on Ubuntu last year. I'm losing ten million dollars on Ubuntu this year. I expect to lose ten million dollars on Ubuntu next year. At this rate, I'll be broke in... sixty years."
You guys really are stretching these days. PR budget not as healthy? Tomorrow's the financials! Four failed quarters in a row! I'm sure you'll all be doing double duty.
A computer worm that spreads through low security networks, memory sticks, and PCs without the latest security updates is posing a growing threat to users blitheringly stupid enough to still think Windows is not ridiculously and unfixably insecure by design.
Despite many years' warnings that Microsoft regards security as a marketing problem and has only ever done the absolute minimum it can get away with, millions of users who click on any rubbish they see in the hope of pictures of female tennis stars having wardrobe malfunctions still fail to believe that taking Windows out on the Internet is like standing bent over in the street in downtown Gomorrah, naked, arse greased up and carrying a flashing neon sign saying "COME AND GET IT."
Microsoft cannot believe people have not applied the patch for the problem, just because they keep trying to use Windows Genuine Advantage to break legally-bought systems. "Don't they trust us?" sobbed marketing marketer Steve Ballmer.
Millions of smug Mac users and the four hundred smug Linux users pointed and laughed, having long given up trying to convince their Windows-using friends to see sense. "There's a reason the Unix system on Mac OS X is called Darwin," said appallingly smug Mac user Arty Phagge.
"It can't be stupid if everyone else runs it," said Windows user Joe Beleaguered, who had lost all his email, business files, MP3s and porn again. "Macs cost more than Windows PCs."
"Yes," said Phagge. "Yes, they do."
Ubuntu Linux developer Hiram Nerdboy frantically tried to get our attention about something or other, but we can't say we care.
Geeks, manufacturers and competitors don't seem to understand:
People buy Apple products not for the features they have, but for the one feature they lack: unlike the gadgets with more features at half the price, using Apple products doesn't make you want to smash them into a million billion tiny little pieces with a toffee hammer.
I'm waiting for FPGAs to become more popular. Then we really can have "badly written hardware." The advent of flash meant that we could have "badly written firmware."
"We originally hooked it to the brain," said Wilson, "but only a very limited selection of messages came out, that appeared to be coming from somewhere else. So we've just gone directly to the penis without the middleman."
Male humans suffer from having functional bodies trapped with almost completely paralysed minds. The penis is an organ used by male humans primarily for thinking and making important decisions. It is also used as an outlet for useless bodily excreta, such as sperm.
The messages -- or "twats" -- cover the whole range of human experience in 140 characters, from "ANOTHER PINT WHAT AN EXCELLENT IDEA" to "DYING FOR A SLASH" to "GDAY LUV NICE TITS" to "WOOHOO GOT A GOER HERE" to "OH DEAR GOD WOKE UP DEAD WTF IS THAT MUST CHEW ARM OFF."
"The next stage is a feedback loop for at-replies," said Wilson. "We're hoping to create the dream of every internet user: a response system that will send five hundred volts through someone's pants when they say something unbelievably stupid."
I'm inclined to "there's not a problem until there's a problem." I've always seen cat5e and most cat5 do gigabit OK in practice if it's not at ridiculous cable lengths (10 metres or less and you should be fine).
Though moving a server room several years ago, we used fresh cable basically because we could even though the machines were all the same.
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Rome, Monday — The Vatican intends to build the biggest renewable energy plant in Europe, running solely on guilt.
"Now is the time to strike," said Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo, governor of Vatican City. "The financial crisis has unleashed huge and renewable sources of guilt, which in the long run will reap incomparable rewards for the Church."
Italy has a binding target for renewable energy consumption of 17 percent. The Vatican will export energy to Italy, powered by raw guilt from the largely Catholic populace. "So far it's proven indefinitely renewable."
Pope Benedict XVI has been outspoken on environmental issues. "The destruction of the environment, its improper or selfish use and the violent hoarding of the Earth's resources cause grievances, conflicts and wars, precisely because they are the consequences of an inhumane concept of development. You should FEEL BAD about that. And give us money."
The plant will be topped up at night by Dante-esque treadmills walked by priests sent back for kiddy-fiddling. "We feel terrible, terrible," said Fr O'Pederast. "I mean, we got caught."
I tried it on a low-end laptop with four Core 2 Duo chips and only 8 gig of memory, and trust me: $NEXT_VERSION is shaping up to be one heck of a product.
WordPad and Paint have seen major overhauls to their user interfaces. Forget the freetards and their "distros" full of all sorts of useless shovelware like "FireFox" and "OpenOffice" and, haha, "GIMP"! -- the bundled software with Windows $NEXT_VERSION is clear, simple, sparse and to-the-point. The much-loved $HATED user interface from Office $HATED_VERSION is now part of WordPad and Paint!
The controversial Digital Rights Management system in Vista has been worked over, with user-downloadable "tilt bits," which you can configure to your own liking. It'll require every user to supply a blood sample for DNA analysis, and the beta nearly took my finger off, but of course that's only if you want to play premium content. The Blu-Ray(tm) of Battlefield Earth was unbelievable on this operating system.
A public beta should be released by the end of this year. There's just no way that Steve "Trains Run On Time" Ballmer will miss the Christmas deadline. The final release should leave the midnight queues on Vista release day -- the street riots, the water cannons, the rubber bullets -- in the shade.
I am so excited about $NEXT_VERSION of Windows. It will go beyond just solving all of the problems with $CURRENT_VERSION, it will be an entirely new paradigm. Forget about security problems, those are all fixed in $NEXT_VERSION. And they're finally ridding themselves of $ANCIENT_LEGACY_STUFF.
Also, there'll be $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM. It'll be awesome!
I wonder how $NEXT_VERSION will compare to $NEXT_NEXT_VERSION.
I've had letters from lawyers pissed off that I published their C&D and demanding I take down the public copy of the original letter. I then publish the second letter too.
Slashdot Mirror
A direct neural interface to post on Twitter has been created by Adam Wilson of the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
"We originally hooked it to the brain," said Wilson, "but only a very limited selection of messages came out, that appeared to be coming from somewhere else. So we've just gone directly to the penis without the middleman."
Male humans suffer from having functional bodies trapped with almost completely paralysed minds. The penis is an organ used by male humans primarily for thinking and making important decisions. It is also used as an outlet for unwanted poisonous bodily excreta, such as sperm.
The messages — or "twats" — cover the full gamut of human experience and emotion in 140 characters, from "ANOTHER PINT WHAT AN EXCELLENT IDEA" to "DYING FOR A SLASH" to "GDAY LUV NICE TITS" to "WOOHOO GOT A GOER HERE" to "WOKE UP DEAD PIG SHAT IN SKULL OH DEAR GOD WTF IS THAT MUST CHEW ARM OFF."
"The next stage is a feedback loop for at-replies," said Wilson. "We're hoping to create the dream of every Internet user: a response system that will send five hundred volts through someone's pants when they say something unbelievably stupid."
Dude. 8.04 was called Hairy Hardon. WTF.
The thing about this movie is, Zack Snyder did a lunatic gamble called "300" and it actually paid off. And the studio guys went "Jesus WTF" and are happy to let him do it again - you do weird shit and get away with it and they do let you try again at least once. Wonder what he'll pick for a third try.
And of course, the BIG BLUE DONG is all the excuse needed for the absolutely artistically and dramatically necessary Silk Spectre II T&A. Mmm, yes indeed.
I was most pleased to watch the Lord Of The Rings extended DVD editions, because, unlike the theatrical cuts, they had enough of the plot to actually make sense.
(I am likely an outlier, as I loved the LOTR movies but have read the books precisely once and never plan to again.)
As a long-time fan of the comic, I strongly recommend the film. It's that good. Even in a cinema. Especially in a cinema.
There's no way on Earth this isn't going to sell forever on DVD, much as the comic has in book form.
Dr Manhattan has been there, got the T-shirt.
As a long-time fan of the comic, I think the movie damn well got it right. (In fact, I think the movie ending makes more sense than the comic book ending.) Also, it'll sell on DVD forever. There's no way it won't make back the money.
(My wife saw it with me - she hadn't read the comic and thought it was great. So it does in fact seem to work as a standalone.)
In a stunning public relations coup, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MNPLY) has successfully overshadowed today's release of Ubuntu Linux 9.04 "Jaunty Jubblies" by announcing its failed financials for a fourth quarter in a row and laying even more people off.
Microsoft announced new and expanded roles for remaining key executives as another several lesser, losing quitters deserted upper management. "It shows the fantastic opportunity available to everyone at Microsoft to climb seven or eight reporting levels up the org chart," said marketing marketer Steve Ballmer to pitchfork-wielding Wall Street analysts today. "If we haven't laid them off for making too much money or not kissing enough ass."
The Yahoo! deal is expected to go ahead. "We figure they'll go broke before we do. Probably." Mr Ballmer also plans to run the Yahoo! servers on Windows NT rather than FreeBSD after a similar change worked so well at Hotmail. "Some say synergy's another word for two plus two equals one, but you just have to make the value of one work for you."
Windows 7 betas have been greeted with remarkable positive press. "Of course, the betas preview the 'champagne and hookers' edition, which would be way too much for netbooks and explode users' brains. Imagine thinking those little things are computers! So we're releasing what we call Windows 7 Dumbass Edition. It lets you log in and look at the shiny. Even Spider Solitaire has the ribbon toolbar! And you can buy an upgrade to the version that runs programs! It lets you do that!" Dumbass Edition comes with pre-installed viruses to make the computer part of the Storm, Conficker and FBI botnets. "If you can't beat ’em, join ’em."
However, Microsoft has indicated to its press corps, Microsoft Completely Enderlependent Analysts, to ixnay on the evensay and highlight the job openings for work on Windows 8, firmly penciled in for a 2012 release. Windows 8 will be optimised for low-end 32-core systems with a mere 16 gigabytes of memory — 28 cores for the interface, 3 cores for the DRM and one core for everything else. "Seven is just so this year. I hear they'll get $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM done next release for sure!" said ZDNet marketing marketer Mary-Jo Enderle. "It'll be awesome!"
"I'm sure it'll be fine, fine," said Bill Gates, upping his hours at his charitable foundation and scheduling the sale of several more packages of Microsoft stock.
Larry Ellison of Oracle, who recently purchased Sun Microsystems, merely snickered, muttered "Java. OpenOffice." and let out a long and resounding laugh.
Mark Shuttleworth of Canonical, speaking from his castle on a crag high on a mountaintop in west London, was sanguine at Ubuntu's news being overshadowed. "I lost ten million dollars on Ubuntu last year. I'm losing ten million dollars on Ubuntu this year. I expect to lose ten million dollars on Ubuntu next year. At this rate, I'll be broke in ... sixty years."
It mentions Windows XP near the bottom. Or did when I looked.
You guys really are stretching these days. PR budget not as healthy? Tomorrow's the financials! Four failed quarters in a row! I'm sure you'll all be doing double duty.
For once, an article on botnets notes that the infected machines are in fact Windows. You don't see that often.
A computer worm that spreads through low security networks, memory sticks, and PCs without the latest security updates is posing a growing threat to users blitheringly stupid enough to still think Windows is not ridiculously and unfixably insecure by design.
Despite many years' warnings that Microsoft regards security as a marketing problem and has only ever done the absolute minimum it can get away with, millions of users who click on any rubbish they see in the hope of pictures of female tennis stars having wardrobe malfunctions still fail to believe that taking Windows out on the Internet is like standing bent over in the street in downtown Gomorrah, naked, arse greased up and carrying a flashing neon sign saying "COME AND GET IT."
Microsoft cannot believe people have not applied the patch for the problem, just because they keep trying to use Windows Genuine Advantage to break legally-bought systems. "Don't they trust us?" sobbed marketing marketer Steve Ballmer.
Millions of smug Mac users and the four hundred smug Linux users pointed and laughed, having long given up trying to convince their Windows-using friends to see sense. "There's a reason the Unix system on Mac OS X is called Darwin," said appallingly smug Mac user Arty Phagge.
"It can't be stupid if everyone else runs it," said Windows user Joe Beleaguered, who had lost all his email, business files, MP3s and porn again. "Macs cost more than Windows PCs."
"Yes," said Phagge. "Yes, they do."
Ubuntu Linux developer Hiram Nerdboy frantically tried to get our attention about something or other, but we can't say we care.
Geeks, manufacturers and competitors don't seem to understand:
People buy Apple products not for the features they have, but for the one feature they lack: unlike the gadgets with more features at half the price, using Apple products doesn't make you want to smash them into a million billion tiny little pieces with a toffee hammer.
(not posted from my Nokia 5800)
I'm waiting for FPGAs to become more popular. Then we really can have "badly written hardware." The advent of flash meant that we could have "badly written firmware."
TWATTER, Arsebook, Tuesday — A direct neural interface to post on Twitter has been created by Adam Wilson of the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
"We originally hooked it to the brain," said Wilson, "but only a very limited selection of messages came out, that appeared to be coming from somewhere else. So we've just gone directly to the penis without the middleman."
Male humans suffer from having functional bodies trapped with almost completely paralysed minds. The penis is an organ used by male humans primarily for thinking and making important decisions. It is also used as an outlet for useless bodily excreta, such as sperm.
The messages -- or "twats" -- cover the whole range of human experience in 140 characters, from "ANOTHER PINT WHAT AN EXCELLENT IDEA" to "DYING FOR A SLASH" to "GDAY LUV NICE TITS" to "WOOHOO GOT A GOER HERE" to "OH DEAR GOD WOKE UP DEAD WTF IS THAT MUST CHEW ARM OFF."
"The next stage is a feedback loop for at-replies," said Wilson. "We're hoping to create the dream of every internet user: a response system that will send five hundred volts through someone's pants when they say something unbelievably stupid."
I'm inclined to "there's not a problem until there's a problem." I've always seen cat5e and most cat5 do gigabit OK in practice if it's not at ridiculous cable lengths (10 metres or less and you should be fine).
Though moving a server room several years ago, we used fresh cable basically because we could even though the machines were all the same.
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Rome, Monday — The Vatican intends to build the biggest renewable energy plant in Europe, running solely on guilt.
"Now is the time to strike," said Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo, governor of Vatican City. "The financial crisis has unleashed huge and renewable sources of guilt, which in the long run will reap incomparable rewards for the Church."
Italy has a binding target for renewable energy consumption of 17 percent. The Vatican will export energy to Italy, powered by raw guilt from the largely Catholic populace. "So far it's proven indefinitely renewable."
Pope Benedict XVI has been outspoken on environmental issues. "The destruction of the environment, its improper or selfish use and the violent hoarding of the Earth's resources cause grievances, conflicts and wars, precisely because they are the consequences of an inhumane concept of development. You should FEEL BAD about that. And give us money."
The plant will be topped up at night by Dante-esque treadmills walked by priests sent back for kiddy-fiddling. "We feel terrible, terrible," said Fr O'Pederast. "I mean, we got caught."
So much for eight years of my CV. Guess I'll have to learn this "Leengux" thing all the kids are into.
On the bright side, at least MySQL might be cast into the flaming pits of Hell where it belongs now.
(more likely: will fork furiously and retain aggregate popularity while neither being quite compatible nor actually, ah, storing data reliably.)
Windows 7 makes the Blu-ray version of Plan 9 From Outer Space look like a documentary. Of the making of Vista.
You know you're doing well when your post is modded "insightful troll".
Guest post by Mary-Jo Enderle
I have seen the future: Windows $NEXT_VERSION Milestone $MOCKUP.
I tried it on a low-end laptop with four Core 2 Duo chips and only 8 gig of memory, and trust me: $NEXT_VERSION is shaping up to be one heck of a product.
WordPad and Paint have seen major overhauls to their user interfaces. Forget the freetards and their "distros" full of all sorts of useless shovelware like "FireFox" and "OpenOffice" and, haha, "GIMP"! -- the bundled software with Windows $NEXT_VERSION is clear, simple, sparse and to-the-point. The much-loved $HATED user interface from Office $HATED_VERSION is now part of WordPad and Paint!
The controversial Digital Rights Management system in Vista has been worked over, with user-downloadable "tilt bits," which you can configure to your own liking. It'll require every user to supply a blood sample for DNA analysis, and the beta nearly took my finger off, but of course that's only if you want to play premium content. The Blu-Ray(tm) of Battlefield Earth was unbelievable on this operating system.
A public beta should be released by the end of this year. There's just no way that Steve "Trains Run On Time" Ballmer will miss the Christmas deadline. The final release should leave the midnight queues on Vista release day -- the street riots, the water cannons, the rubber bullets -- in the shade.
I am so excited about $NEXT_VERSION of Windows. It will go beyond just solving all of the problems with $CURRENT_VERSION, it will be an entirely new paradigm. Forget about security problems, those are all fixed in $NEXT_VERSION. And they're finally ridding themselves of $ANCIENT_LEGACY_STUFF.
Also, there'll be $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM. It'll be awesome!
I wonder how $NEXT_VERSION will compare to $NEXT_NEXT_VERSION.
I've had letters from lawyers pissed off that I published their C&D and demanding I take down the public copy of the original letter. I then publish the second letter too.
"Remember, 'undefined behaviour' includes shooting you through the fucking head. So check for errors."