Slashdot Cruiser, Slashdot candidate for the 2000 election, would like to formally announce his new plan for punishing the rich, redistributing the wealth, and giving a free ride to the hitchhikers left behind on our high-speed economic expressway.
Step one: Confiscate all the assets of one William Gates.
Step two: Take out a small portion for administrative overhead and a bitchin' rave.
Step three: Pay off the national debt with Mr. Gates' money.
Step four: Use the rest of the money to fund after-school prescription hot grits programs for the children and the elderly.
This is a program that will work. This is a program the Slashdotters will support. This is a program that the people want -- except for Mr. Gates, of course, and who cares what he wants? I didn't want his OS on my computer but I got it anyway, dammit.
No other proposal so successfully combines the principles proven by focus groups and polls to win votes. No other proposal appeals so directly to the thousands of disaffected geeks in America. No other program gives your lazy ass something for nothing so efficiently. Just look at all this program has to offer:
1) Instead of unfocused class-warfare against some nameless, facless, vaguely-defined "upper class", it focuses the collective tyranny of the majority against a SINGLE PERSON. We're not violating the rights of a minority, we're violating the rights of ONE GUY -- a guy nobody even likes! What's he going to do about it?
2) This one guy has more than enough money to solve our problems. Why pick the pockets of all the semi-rich when we can comment wholesale robbery against one person? Why spread the misery when we can focus it against the one person who was spread so much misery amongst Slashdotters?
3) The program is certain to be an instant hit among Slashdotters. Let's face it -- these people are basing their votes on what kind of web server the candidates use on their campaign sites! They don't care about the Constitution (other than the First Amendment's protection of their pr0n). They don't care about taxation (unless it's a tax on e-mails). All they care about are geek issues. And they hate Bill Gates. Lord, how they hate Bill Gates!
Do the Democrats take a stand against Bill Gates personally? Hardly -- he's one of their contributors. Do the Republicans? Excuse me while I laugh. Only Slashdot Cruiser is offering a plan to focus the suffering back on the one man who has caused us so much suffering. Only Slashdot Cruiser's plan will provide for a healthy, robust economy, universal petrification, and hot grits for the children WITHOUT RAISING TAXES.
Certainly there are extreme elements in the Slashdot Party who do not think this platform goes far enough. Some think we should not only take all Bill's stuff, but that we should torture and kill him. To these people I can only suggest patience -- we must bring the moderates with us one step at a time.
Maybe you're against it right now. You won't be after your next bluescreen. Think about it.
Slashdot Cruiser -- seeking justice, settling for revenge.
I've put a lot of thought into this. Please don't dismiss me right away.
We all recognize the phenomenal success of Slashdot/Andover/VALinux/OSDN/Plymouth/Whoever-the -hell-they-are-this-month. The company has literally gobs of liquid cash to burn. Thanks to the contributions of unpaid open source developers everywhere, expenses are low. Thanks to banner ad hits, hardware sales, and software distribution (or distrobution if you're a regular here), revenue is high.
I think the time has come for Slashdot to think big. I mean bigger than the Slashdot Cruiser. With that in mind, I would like to make a modest proposal:
Paint the Slashdot logo on the Space Shuttle
It could work: Thanks to 8 years of post-Cold War Democratic cutbacks, NASA is hard up for money. Heck, it's a wonder the Shuttle doesn't already look like something out of the NASCAR Winston Cup series.
Why not corporate sponsorship of the Space Shuttle? And who better to provide that sponsorship than the site bringing us "News for Nerds. Stuff that matters?"
Picture it: The Space Shuttle -- painted Slashdot-Green with the/. logo on the vertical stabilizer. We could even paint "This spacecraft Copyright 1997-2000 OSDN" on the side. We could replace all the computers inside the Shuttle with overclocked VALinux boxes. We could supply the crews with/. coffee mugs and Penquin Mints. Missions could be completed in half the time!
We could even go a step further. We could the entire Shuttle fleet! Instead of "Enterprise", "Endeavor", "Columbia", we could have "CmdrTaco", "JonKatz", and "Hemos".
Imagine hearing a newscaster saying, "The Space Shuttle JonKatz lifted off this morning. It will remain in orbit for three weeks." Doesn't that make you feel a little funny inside?
Is the idea of an open-source space program just a dream? Won't you share the dream with me?
The Slashdot Cruiser is due for a tune-up. I need a mechanic.
Who should work on the Crusier?
Richard M. Stallman
Pros: Works for free (specifically, for contributions and government grants)
Cons: Long-winded politically-charged explanations of any problems.
Biggest Concern: If he does anything to the Cruiser, I have to let anyone drive it who wants to.
Eric S. Raymond
Pros: Does same work as RMS, but calls parts by different names.
Cons: Wants to own a piece of the Cruiser when he's done working on it.
Biggest Concern: Liable to use the Cruiser for target practice and put several.45 caliber holes in my ride.
Bruce Perens
Pros: Will try to calm me down if he finds anything wrong with the Cruiser.
Cons: Needs someone to calm him down.
Biggest Concern: Will want to file lawsuit against oil companies and auto makers if the Cruiser is out of gas.
Rob (CmdrTaco) Malda
Pros: Will get Cruiser running eventually.
Cons: May continue to add parts until problem is fixed or nobody cares anymore.
Biggest Concern: Wiring mistakes may cause radio to change stations whenever I turn on the wipers.
Now that we are comfortably entrenched in the post-hippie era, it has become a symptom of our cultural malaise that we continually designate nameless, faceless entities as our oppressors.
There are good reasons for this.
Corporations can never be seen as victims. Unlike the misunderstood and misjudged young adults just now approaching driving age, corporations do not feel grief. Unlike a young geek, a corporation will never feel embarrassed to be seen in an ugly car. In fact, a corporation is likely to few such a vehicle as an asset. In advertising, loud, ugly, garish, and underpowered means memorable.
In other words, the individual's rolling chariot of shame is the corporation's low-cost, tax-deductible advertising.
As we enter the post-slashdot era, we find a curious trend. Corporations treating the embarassment of individuals as a form of advertising. Witness the rise in vouyeristic television -- generating revenue for the corporations whilst indelibly branding the poor hapless individual participants.
Such is the case with the Slashdot Cruiser. The executives at OSDN undoubtedly viewed it as a tremendous opportunity to generate buzz. Unfortunately, the buzz they heard was acutally coming from a loose frame mount and a broken radio. The true individual wants nothing of it. The Slashdot Cruiser has quietly disappeared from our pages -- perhaps the executives changed their minds, perhaps it was reposessed by the bank for non-payment, perhaps it was simply dumped into the lake. Regardless, the great tragedy is that Jon Katz was obviously not in it at the time.
This book is similar to a Chilton's auto manual for Linux. It can help you fix existing problems, but it can't correct fundamental design flaws.
To continue the overused car/computer analogy: Suppose you had a car which was simply underpowered. Maybe it has a small engine and a heavy, non-aerodynamic frame. In the end, no amount of tweaking or customization will give that car any more power. It will still struggle to get up hills when the air conditioner is on. It will still be unable to do more than scratch the shins of a m4d 1337 kernel mastah should it run into one.
Many people will try to tell it's more powerful than you'll ever need, but these are the same people putting Tux dolls on the dashboard and "1m 1337" personalized plates on the bumpers. They'll tint the windows and paint it a garish eye-hurting color. In the end, they still get passed by the kid on a mountain bike.
Sure, you can tune for performance. You can turn off the air conditioner. You can tell a certain pompous blowhard writer to take a walk. You can even untie and release the underage passenger in the backseat.
But, when it's all said and done, you'll eventually end up driving the whole thing into the lake.
Perhaps in our current post-slashdot era, it's for the best. Cheers.
Forget about Linus being hit by a bus. It's not going to happen. Public transportation in the Seattle area is mostly trains. As long as Linus stays away from rails, we're ok.
What we really need to worry about is Linus being hit by the Slashdot Cruiser.
I realize, of course, that the Cruiser does not have sufficient horsepower or vehicle weight to actually kill Mr. Torvalds. Nevertheless, the experience could leave him severely injured and traumatized.
Imagine how you would feel if you were crossing the street and saw that green automotive embarrassment bearing down on you. It would be horrifying and you would probably be petrified. Unable to dodge the oncoming plymouth, you would be struck at knee-level by an overweighted green go-kart. The personalized plates would undoubtedly leave an "1m 1337" impression in your shin.
Clearly, the experience would leave Linus unable to write code effectively. He would be unable to follow the development newsgroups because of involuntary twitches every time he sees "1337".
For the sake of Linus, Linux, the Olsen Twins, and the Fee Software Revolution (tm), I think our course of action is clear: We must dump the Cruiser into the lake. It's the only way.
Assuming you don't mind being seen in a totally rediculous looking car. That thing is so fugly. I mean forget-first-post-and-get-me-to-a-paint-shop fugly.
Slashdot Mirror
Why, thank you for asking. In truth, the winner was this guy.
"Winner" being a relative term, of course.
Will the building have a parking garage?
"No fuzzy math!"
Slashdot Cruiser, Slashdot candidate for the 2000 election, would like to formally announce his new plan for punishing the rich, redistributing the wealth, and giving a free ride to the hitchhikers left behind on our high-speed economic expressway.
Step one: Confiscate all the assets of one William Gates.
Step two: Take out a small portion for administrative overhead and a bitchin' rave.
Step three: Pay off the national debt with Mr. Gates' money.
Step four: Use the rest of the money to fund after-school prescription hot grits programs for the children and the elderly.
This is a program that will work. This is a program the Slashdotters will support. This is a program that the people want -- except for Mr. Gates, of course, and who cares what he wants? I didn't want his OS on my computer but I got it anyway, dammit.
No other proposal so successfully combines the principles proven by focus groups and polls to win votes. No other proposal appeals so directly to the thousands of disaffected geeks in America. No other program gives your lazy ass something for nothing so efficiently. Just look at all this program has to offer:
1) Instead of unfocused class-warfare against some nameless, facless, vaguely-defined "upper class", it focuses the collective tyranny of the majority against a SINGLE PERSON. We're not violating the rights of a minority, we're violating the rights of ONE GUY -- a guy nobody even likes! What's he going to do about it?
2) This one guy has more than enough money to solve our problems. Why pick the pockets of all the semi-rich when we can comment wholesale robbery against one person? Why spread the misery when we can focus it against the one person who was spread so much misery amongst Slashdotters?
3) The program is certain to be an instant hit among Slashdotters. Let's face it -- these people are basing their votes on what kind of web server the candidates use on their campaign sites! They don't care about the Constitution (other than the First Amendment's protection of their pr0n). They don't care about taxation (unless it's a tax on e-mails). All they care about are geek issues. And they hate Bill Gates. Lord, how they hate Bill Gates!
Do the Democrats take a stand against Bill Gates personally? Hardly -- he's one of their contributors. Do the Republicans? Excuse me while I laugh. Only Slashdot Cruiser is offering a plan to focus the suffering back on the one man who has caused us so much suffering. Only Slashdot Cruiser's plan will provide for a healthy, robust economy, universal petrification, and hot grits for the children WITHOUT RAISING TAXES.
Certainly there are extreme elements in the Slashdot Party who do not think this platform goes far enough. Some think we should not only take all Bill's stuff, but that we should torture and kill him. To these people I can only suggest patience -- we must bring the moderates with us one step at a time.
Maybe you're against it right now. You won't be after your next bluescreen. Think about it.
Slashdot Cruiser -- seeking justice, settling for revenge.
Will your product work only with a regular power supply or will you provide an adapter for car cigarette lighters?
I've put a lot of thought into this. Please don't dismiss me right away.
e -hell-they-are-this-month. The company has literally gobs of liquid cash to burn. Thanks to the contributions of unpaid open source developers everywhere, expenses are low. Thanks to banner ad hits, hardware sales, and software distribution (or distrobution if you're a regular here), revenue is high.
/. logo on the vertical stabilizer. We could even paint "This spacecraft Copyright 1997-2000 OSDN" on the side. We could replace all the computers inside the Shuttle with overclocked VALinux boxes. We could supply the crews with /. coffee mugs and Penquin Mints. Missions could be completed in half the time!
We all recognize the phenomenal success of Slashdot/Andover/VALinux/OSDN/Plymouth/Whoever-th
I think the time has come for Slashdot to think big. I mean bigger than the Slashdot Cruiser. With that in mind, I would like to make a modest proposal:
Paint the Slashdot logo on the Space Shuttle
It could work: Thanks to 8 years of post-Cold War Democratic cutbacks, NASA is hard up for money. Heck, it's a wonder the Shuttle doesn't already look like something out of the NASCAR Winston Cup series.
Why not corporate sponsorship of the Space Shuttle? And who better to provide that sponsorship than the site bringing us "News for Nerds. Stuff that matters?"
Picture it: The Space Shuttle -- painted Slashdot-Green with the
We could even go a step further. We could the entire Shuttle fleet! Instead of "Enterprise", "Endeavor", "Columbia", we could have "CmdrTaco", "JonKatz", and "Hemos".
Imagine hearing a newscaster saying, "The Space Shuttle JonKatz lifted off this morning. It will remain in orbit for three weeks." Doesn't that make you feel a little funny inside?
Is the idea of an open-source space program just a dream? Won't you share the dream with me?
The Slashdot Cruiser is due for a tune-up. I need a mechanic.
.45 caliber holes in my ride.
Who should work on the Crusier?
Richard M. Stallman
Pros: Works for free (specifically, for contributions and government grants)
Cons: Long-winded politically-charged explanations of any problems.
Biggest Concern: If he does anything to the Cruiser, I have to let anyone drive it who wants to.
Eric S. Raymond
Pros: Does same work as RMS, but calls parts by different names.
Cons: Wants to own a piece of the Cruiser when he's done working on it.
Biggest Concern: Liable to use the Cruiser for target practice and put several
Bruce Perens
Pros: Will try to calm me down if he finds anything wrong with the Cruiser.
Cons: Needs someone to calm him down.
Biggest Concern: Will want to file lawsuit against oil companies and auto makers if the Cruiser is out of gas.
Rob (CmdrTaco) Malda
Pros: Will get Cruiser running eventually.
Cons: May continue to add parts until problem is fixed or nobody cares anymore.
Biggest Concern: Wiring mistakes may cause radio to change stations whenever I turn on the wipers.
Now that we are comfortably entrenched in the post-hippie era, it has become a symptom of our cultural malaise that we continually designate nameless, faceless entities as our oppressors.
There are good reasons for this.
Corporations can never be seen as victims. Unlike the misunderstood and misjudged young adults just now approaching driving age, corporations do not feel grief. Unlike a young geek, a corporation will never feel embarrassed to be seen in an ugly car. In fact, a corporation is likely to few such a vehicle as an asset. In advertising, loud, ugly, garish, and underpowered means memorable.
In other words, the individual's rolling chariot of shame is the corporation's low-cost, tax-deductible advertising.
As we enter the post-slashdot era, we find a curious trend. Corporations treating the embarassment of individuals as a form of advertising. Witness the rise in vouyeristic television -- generating revenue for the corporations whilst indelibly branding the poor hapless individual participants.
Such is the case with the Slashdot Cruiser. The executives at OSDN undoubtedly viewed it as a tremendous opportunity to generate buzz. Unfortunately, the buzz they heard was acutally coming from a loose frame mount and a broken radio. The true individual wants nothing of it. The Slashdot Cruiser has quietly disappeared from our pages -- perhaps the executives changed their minds, perhaps it was reposessed by the bank for non-payment, perhaps it was simply dumped into the lake. Regardless, the great tragedy is that Jon Katz was obviously not in it at the time.
I just finished washing and waxing the Cruiser for CeBit. What am I going to do with it now?
This book is similar to a Chilton's auto manual for Linux. It can help you fix existing problems, but it can't correct fundamental design flaws.
To continue the overused car/computer analogy: Suppose you had a car which was simply underpowered. Maybe it has a small engine and a heavy, non-aerodynamic frame. In the end, no amount of tweaking or customization will give that car any more power. It will still struggle to get up hills when the air conditioner is on. It will still be unable to do more than scratch the shins of a m4d 1337 kernel mastah should it run into one.
Many people will try to tell it's more powerful than you'll ever need, but these are the same people putting Tux dolls on the dashboard and "1m 1337" personalized plates on the bumpers. They'll tint the windows and paint it a garish eye-hurting color. In the end, they still get passed by the kid on a mountain bike.
Sure, you can tune for performance. You can turn off the air conditioner. You can tell a certain pompous blowhard writer to take a walk. You can even untie and release the underage passenger in the backseat.
But, when it's all said and done, you'll eventually end up driving the whole thing into the lake.
Perhaps in our current post-slashdot era, it's for the best. Cheers.
WTF are you talking about?
Forget about Linus being hit by a bus. It's not going to happen. Public transportation in the Seattle area is mostly trains. As long as Linus stays away from rails, we're ok.
What we really need to worry about is Linus being hit by the Slashdot Cruiser.
I realize, of course, that the Cruiser does not have sufficient horsepower or vehicle weight to actually kill Mr. Torvalds. Nevertheless, the experience could leave him severely injured and traumatized.
Imagine how you would feel if you were crossing the street and saw that green automotive embarrassment bearing down on you. It would be horrifying and you would probably be petrified. Unable to dodge the oncoming plymouth, you would be struck at knee-level by an overweighted green go-kart. The personalized plates would undoubtedly leave an "1m 1337" impression in your shin.
Clearly, the experience would leave Linus unable to write code effectively. He would be unable to follow the development newsgroups because of involuntary twitches every time he sees "1337".
For the sake of Linus, Linux, the Olsen Twins, and the Fee Software Revolution (tm), I think our course of action is clear: We must dump the Cruiser into the lake. It's the only way.
In the future, will it be possible to petrify the Slashdot Cruiser? Then we can preserve its fugliness for future generations!
You need the Slashdot Cruiser.
Assuming you don't mind being seen in a totally rediculous looking car. That thing is so fugly. I mean forget-first-post-and-get-me-to-a-paint-shop fugly.
I'll tell what I'm running scared from -- I'm running scared from funky green paint and "1m 1337" personalized plates on the Slashdot Cruiser.
t fugly.
Good lord, that thing is fugly. I mean judge-judy-should-make-bill-drive-it-as-punishmen
Apple's Cube leaks are nothing compared to the Slashdot Cruiser's oil leaks.
Plus you won't look like a total dork driving an Apple Cube.
Is there room in the Slashdot Cruiser to carry all these books?
Will the additional weight of the books overstress the engine? Will I have to turn off the air conditioner when I'm driving uphill?
or punishment