The ever popular warm apple pie could be cool, although I've never wanted to waste a pie just to try it.
Probably the coolest I've ever come up with is one of those "four foot" balloons (the long kind that are about a foot long not inflated). You cut the ends off of it, stretch it out in a length of PVC pipe that is wide enough that your cock doesn't rub the sides (don't let the hardware store guy catch you checking on sizing for this particular application, measure at home). You lube it up with your favorite choice of lube (Wesson oil works OK mixed with butter and a touch of water), warm it up by holding it under warm water, place it in a soft cushioned area (Between two pillows?) and fuck to your heart's content. Add another one to the end opposite you are fucking and you don't have to worry about catching the "run-off" either. Then there is the "hose suck" attachment that you can make that allows you to get a real good suction action very like a tight lucious blow job. You just seal up the end and attach a hose to it and suck as you place your penis at the end of it. Suck/blow/suck/blow and it bounces up and down on your cock until you blow. If you are truly sick, I suppose you could even suck up your cum that way. I hear there are pumps made that can handle the action for you now, although you don't want any cum getting in them.
There's also the "pasta fuck" method, which I saw described here at one time, but I never had the urge to try that as I was married by the time I read it. But the balloon in PVC pipe thing worked really well for me before I was married. And, if you are too lazy to do that you could always buy one of those nice "ass and pussy" models that the sex shops sell. About $100 and you get a fairly life-like pussy. But you have to clean them pretty good when you are done. The balloon method allows you to just toss the balloon and replace it when it gets dirty.
Good luck to you. Finding a good masturbation technique is rather difficult. Remember: Panty hose work in a pinch.
Fuck you. You dare to ask how I am. It's a fucking Monday, how the fuck do you think I am?
Oh god, the vile unspeakable acts that I have planned to unleash upon society. It's a good goddamned thing that I am a lazy bastard, or there would be a lot of people in a world of hurt right fucking now.
I have a special message written by the executives of my company directed at commentors that feel they have a brilliant observation, yet are truly just intellectual midgets trying to prove they are slightly taller than the other midgets around them.
MOSIX works fucking awesome. I used it to compress MP3s. I ripped waves and stored them on my bad-ass machine. Then I ran a at daemon on my slowest machine and ran compression routines in the at q in batch mode. By running on the slowest machine in the group it guaranteed that the jobs would migrate to the faster machines in the group and the slowest machine remained as a "task manager". It would run instances until every machine was busy, then batch would hold jobs until a machine came free, then it would release and on with the show.
It works EXTREMELY well. Try MOSIX for some serious fun.
SHUT THE FUCK UP! God please, all the stupid fucking jokes here. It's like listening to the conversation in a high-school boys locker-room. Fuck! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Oh, and let's make that script every OTHER comment.
Why the fuck do people feel it's necissary to even point it out? Seriously, I don't understand why it's so fucking important to point out something that's so fucking obvious a two year old would be able to come up with it. WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID@?@#$(&{)(*@#%??+!!!!
You are being oh so very helpful by pointing out the fucking obvious. I know I couldn't have survived not having your obviously brilliant mind pop up and inform the masses that it's fucking slashdotted already. What a waste of fucking oxygen you are. How many morons will say it's slashdotted once it goes down? We should just have a script that writes slashdotted every ten comments or so and get it fucking over with. God, this mood. MY HEAD FUCKING HURTS, AND MORONS LIKE YOU ARE THE GODDAMN CAUSE. FUCKING ASSHOLE!
What the fuck were you thinking? Didn't your mommy and daddy show you enough attention when you was a child? Or did your daddy fuck you up the ass while your mommy took pictures and your sister sucked your dick? (Or was that your brother, you faggot fuck?) Or, were you too busy trying to get it on with the nieghbor's fucking cat to be bothered with getting it up the ass from your old man? It's obvious something fucked up your head. I'm just looking for the root cause.
Why is it that everytime there is a major slashdotting half the fucking peanut gallery will jump up and shout, "Slashdotted. It must be a new record!"? What, is this some kind of moronic ritual that I'm not aware of? Do they remove your brain when you sign up for an account? Apparently they missed me. Maybe I slid in under the radar. Or maybe you all really are that fucking retarded.
When the server is slashdotted, it really does no one any good at all to have forty geeks all screaming about the great slashdotting. It doesn't help anyone. Do you understand that, you ragingnly homosexual piece of cum-bait? DO YOU FUCKING GET IT?
God damn, you fucking morons really piss me off. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!
heheh. You keep this up and I'm not gonna be able to stay in this rotten foul mood I've worked myself into. Damn, that's too funny though. Nothing funnier than necrophilia with a hot chick. Woohoo!
GOD DAMN! That's some funny shit. You ought to write comedy for a living. Jesus, that almost made me laugh, and that's not a fucking easy feat to accomplish today, let me tell you. Oh yes, and a hearty fuck you too!
I propose that you instead say, "Fuck Toast!". Because there is bound to be someone out there that is dumb enough to actually try it, and the chaffing they will endure would be punishment for their stupidity. Thank you.
Natalie Portman may not be the hottest piece of ass on the planet, but I'm grumpy enough now that I would fuck her till she screamed for mercy. Then I would roll her over, shove it up her ass, and fuck her ass till there was nothing left but bloody, shitty, smears of flesh.
We have discovered that some guy named "Linus", a noted hacker in the underground and dangerous world known as Open Source, has released upon the world a terribly viral bit of code known as Linux. It is said that this has the capability of making people do stupid things, and destroying the profits of huge, multi-million dollar corporations. In this special report, we will hilight all of the ways you can combat this great threat to American life.
It's too late for you. You are gayer than a Liza Minelli gathering (I don't know if I spelled that right. Only faggots know how to spell it anyway.). You are gayer than that fucking YMCA song by the butt-pirate band "Village People". You are so gay that you would put a gay porn producer to shame with your gayness.
There is one cure for gayness. A bullet in your fucking head should do the goddamned thrick. Make sure it enters at speed though, or it may not work. Fucking faggot piece of shit.
Nothing is worse than a homophobic fag that doesn't realize he is the full fruition of his worst fears. FUCK YOU!
Slashdot Mirror
Wooohaaa! That's some humping power there biatch!
The ever popular warm apple pie could be cool, although I've never wanted to waste a pie just to try it.
Probably the coolest I've ever come up with is one of those "four foot" balloons (the long kind that are about a foot long not inflated). You cut the ends off of it, stretch it out in a length of PVC pipe that is wide enough that your cock doesn't rub the sides (don't let the hardware store guy catch you checking on sizing for this particular application, measure at home). You lube it up with your favorite choice of lube (Wesson oil works OK mixed with butter and a touch of water), warm it up by holding it under warm water, place it in a soft cushioned area (Between two pillows?) and fuck to your heart's content. Add another one to the end opposite you are fucking and you don't have to worry about catching the "run-off" either. Then there is the "hose suck" attachment that you can make that allows you to get a real good suction action very like a tight lucious blow job. You just seal up the end and attach a hose to it and suck as you place your penis at the end of it. Suck/blow/suck/blow and it bounces up and down on your cock until you blow. If you are truly sick, I suppose you could even suck up your cum that way. I hear there are pumps made that can handle the action for you now, although you don't want any cum getting in them.
There's also the "pasta fuck" method, which I saw described here at one time, but I never had the urge to try that as I was married by the time I read it. But the balloon in PVC pipe thing worked really well for me before I was married. And, if you are too lazy to do that you could always buy one of those nice "ass and pussy" models that the sex shops sell. About $100 and you get a fairly life-like pussy. But you have to clean them pretty good when you are done. The balloon method allows you to just toss the balloon and replace it when it gets dirty.
Good luck to you. Finding a good masturbation technique is rather difficult. Remember: Panty hose work in a pinch.
Oh god, the vile unspeakable acts that I have planned to unleash upon society. It's a good goddamned thing that I am a lazy bastard, or there would be a lot of people in a world of hurt right fucking now.
Wow, you must really be brilliant to have figured that out, you sperm-burping bitch.
You lose. Of course, you ought to be used to that, being an AC cum-guzzler and all.
*Nicely* *put* *!*
BOOO! That was an extremely lame one. And, it's older than me. So fuck you.
SHUT THE FUCK UP. Seriously. You are the reason your head hurts. It's all that vacum inside your head trying to cave in your skull. Fucking moron.
...
(clears throat)
...
FUCK YOU!
Thank you very much.
MOSIX works fucking awesome. I used it to compress MP3s. I ripped waves and stored them on my bad-ass machine. Then I ran a at daemon on my slowest machine and ran compression routines in the at q in batch mode. By running on the slowest machine in the group it guaranteed that the jobs would migrate to the faster machines in the group and the slowest machine remained as a "task manager". It would run instances until every machine was busy, then batch would hold jobs until a machine came free, then it would release and on with the show.
It works EXTREMELY well. Try MOSIX for some serious fun.
SHUT THE FUCK UP! God please, all the stupid fucking jokes here. It's like listening to the conversation in a high-school boys locker-room. Fuck! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I'm not even supposed to be here today!
SHUT UP ya fucking moron!
However, that might serve as a better punishment for the criminally stupid. FUCK TOASTER! And make sure it's plugged in and "plunged" down.
NOT!!!!!
Oh, and let's make that script every OTHER comment.
Why the fuck do people feel it's necissary to even point it out? Seriously, I don't understand why it's so fucking important to point out something that's so fucking obvious a two year old would be able to come up with it. WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID@?@#$(&{)(*@#%??+!!!!
FUCK YOU!
You are being oh so very helpful by pointing out the fucking obvious. I know I couldn't have survived not having your obviously brilliant mind pop up and inform the masses that it's fucking slashdotted already. What a waste of fucking oxygen you are. How many morons will say it's slashdotted once it goes down? We should just have a script that writes slashdotted every ten comments or so and get it fucking over with. God, this mood. MY HEAD FUCKING HURTS, AND MORONS LIKE YOU ARE THE GODDAMN CAUSE. FUCKING ASSHOLE!
NOT!!!!!!
What the fuck were you thinking? Didn't your mommy and daddy show you enough attention when you was a child? Or did your daddy fuck you up the ass while your mommy took pictures and your sister sucked your dick? (Or was that your brother, you faggot fuck?) Or, were you too busy trying to get it on with the nieghbor's fucking cat to be bothered with getting it up the ass from your old man? It's obvious something fucked up your head. I'm just looking for the root cause.
I'll be goddamned. I really thought you were fucking dead. If not, you sure should be. Fucking pile of garbage.
When the server is slashdotted, it really does no one any good at all to have forty geeks all screaming about the great slashdotting. It doesn't help anyone. Do you understand that, you ragingnly homosexual piece of cum-bait? DO YOU FUCKING GET IT?
God damn, you fucking morons really piss me off. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!
heheh. You keep this up and I'm not gonna be able to stay in this rotten foul mood I've worked myself into. Damn, that's too funny though. Nothing funnier than necrophilia with a hot chick. Woohoo!
GOD DAMN! That's some funny shit. You ought to write comedy for a living. Jesus, that almost made me laugh, and that's not a fucking easy feat to accomplish today, let me tell you. Oh yes, and a hearty fuck you too!
I propose that you instead say, "Fuck Toast!". Because there is bound to be someone out there that is dumb enough to actually try it, and the chaffing they will endure would be punishment for their stupidity. Thank you.
God, I'm in a fucking bad mood.
Coming soon, to MSNBC...
There is one cure for gayness. A bullet in your fucking head should do the goddamned thrick. Make sure it enters at speed though, or it may not work. Fucking faggot piece of shit.
Nothing is worse than a homophobic fag that doesn't realize he is the full fruition of his worst fears. FUCK YOU!