We're busy humping your mom while you play D&D. Good woman, your mom. She's great in bed. She asks if you can start calling me daddy now. Here's a quarter: Go outside and play while me and mommy go have a special talk in her bedroom.
All the Marines I knew who were into D&D all had bad 70s porn star moustaches. Do you have one too? Oh, and I might mention that the Marines regularly get sodomized by not only the Air Force, but also Coast Guard recruits, too.
Why use anything but VBS, the best scripting language ever. If you haven't tried it, I highly suggest you do so. Much better than Perl and it doesn't have Perl's obnoxious licensing restrictions.
I thought the majority of the slashdot fags only used Linux.
The majority of slashfags use Windows. They only pay lip service to Linux. Even the most die hard Linux fans know that its not nearly as stable, reliable or has the software available for it that Linux does. So while they all bitch about the Man, they use Windows. Which everyone knows is a superior OS.
Once again slashdot amazes me with the ability not to be able to post reliable or good information.
And you find this suprising because...? Has Slashdot ever had reliable or goof information? Once they were almost on time with a report of a new kernel coming out, but other than that, I'm hard pressed to think of anything.
You are clearly a homosexual. I refuse to join you and your ilk at your Gay Renessaince Faires that someone like you certainly attends. But hey, have fun at Ye Oldetyme Pavillion of Buggary or whatever you fruits call it.
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining
how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I
thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote
it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon.
Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap
the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of
the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it
for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications,
though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of
the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make,
reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun
reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file(called
IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and
it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your
eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels
just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if
you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure out who I am, send me some money.
PseudoCunt is not shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,
gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an
overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice
would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at
least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever
modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of
vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).
Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to
use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well.
Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little
butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in
the microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as
tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to
tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something
long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue
packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress
a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted
butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or
margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil;
and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the
little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that
feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina
(I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full
dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar.
Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the
obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the
Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile
next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If
properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried
away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the
space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of
your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to
the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be
obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you
can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike
temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely
certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a
fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It
can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and
finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your
dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of
pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing
at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the
"shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when
you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own
secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease
and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like
wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a
tiny amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first
penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your
dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you,
or display a particularly fascinating.AVI, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the remote
is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is that it leaves both hands free to work
the VCR remote or languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt sucking wetly
at your dick with each slight movement of your hips. With careful preparation it's a damned
comfortable position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please, indulging as
many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt
hole to adjust to the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as
long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little
deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is
fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the
point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the
tight warmth deep down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it
for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll
put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the
microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should
consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a
woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former
girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she
masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior,
it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties
and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice
of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the
freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant
surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To
spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a
wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you
can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if
using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between
washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried
this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and
blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized
by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out
strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent
tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-banged your PseudoCunt one too
many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design
feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum
powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a
professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the
Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over thleading
edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an
essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended
beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous,
actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in
adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess
spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've
found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At
the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had.Another
reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to
masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people
did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be
shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If
you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as
much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for
others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?
I bet they can find all the freaks they want right here on this very website. Just post a very technical question on Ask Slashdot ("Optimizing Compilers!") and anyone who answers and gets modded up +4/higher is probably a big enough freak to work at a circus.
Egg Troll has better things to do than to hang out with some ponytailed compufags who live in a fantasy world. Like, I can go out and get laid. Sure beats throwing around my 27-sided dice or talking about my 32nd level dwarven ninja/janitor.
I would like to take a minute out to dispel a rumor that has been oozing around the Internet for quite sometime. This is a foul and insidious bit of gossip that's only used to provoke a negative reaction from people. Perhaps you've heard this rumor: That women use the Internet.
Now, this thought is quite patently absurd. To begin with, women simply aren't smart enough to use it. A woman's mind is pre-programmed, if you will, to cook and care for children and little else. Working with a global network of computers is simply not in her genes. When put in front of a computer, your typical woman will stare at it before attempting to use it to prepare dinner for her hard-working husband.
Of course monkey's have been taught sign-language, so it is theoretically possible that a woman, guided by the all-powerful mind of a man, might be able to use some of the more simplistic features of America Online. Perhaps sending a rudimentary instant messange asking how to clean a pair of her spouse's slacks. But lets enter the realm of imagination for a moment and we'll see why even if they had the mental ability to use the Internet, most little ladies still wouldn't.
The reason for this is that most women simply lack the desire. All women find the greatest joy in life to be spent in the kitchen preparing a wholesome dinner, or in the bedroom serving her husband. While some women may dispute this, its a scientific fact that this is just a coy game some women play to attract a mate. Deep inside they all crave the glowing warmth that comes making a roast beef in a Crock Pot.
So the next time you hear someone claiming to be a "woman" on the Internet, think twice. I am saddened to say this, but most likely it is nothing more than a homosexual attempting to get his jollies with this immoral act. Remember what Egg Troll says: On the Internet, the men are men...and so are the women.
Thank you.
[Ed. Note - It has since come to my attention that there have been reported sightings of women using the Internet. However, in all cases these women turned out to be lesbians. So if you should see a woman using the Internet, she will be a dyke in all cases.]
Gentlemen, the time has come for a serious discussion on whether or not to continue using C for serious programming projects. As I will explain, I feel that C needs to be retired, much the same way that Fortran, Cobol and Perl have been. Furthermore, allow me to be so bold as to suggest a superior replacement to this outdated language.
To give you a little background on this subject, I was recently asked to develop a client/server project on a Unix platform for a Fortune 500 company. While I've never coded in C before I have coded in VB for fifteen years, and in Java for over ten, I was stunned to see how poorly C fared compared to these two, more low-level languages.
C's biggest difficulty, as we all know, is the fact that it is by far one of the slowest languages in existance, especially when compared to more modern languages such as Java. Although the reasons for this are varied, the main reasons seems to be the way C requires a programmer to laboriously work with chunks of memory.
Requiring a programmer to manipulate blocks of memory is a tedious way to program. This was satisfactory back in the early days of coding, but then again, so were punchcards. By using what are called "pointers" a C programmer is basically requiring the computer to do three sets of work rather than one. The first time requires the computer to duplicate whatever is stored in the memory space "pointed to" by the pointer. The second time requires it to perform the needed operation on this space. Finally the computer must delete the duplicate set and set the values of the original accordingly.
Clearly this is a horrendous use of resources and the chief reason why C is so slow. When one looks at a more modern (and a more serious) programming language like Java or, even better, Visual Basic, that lacks such archaic coding styles, one will also note a serious speed increase over C.
So what does this mean for the programming community? I think clearly that C needs to be abandonded. There are two candidates that would be a suitable replacement for it. Those are Java and Visual Basic.
Having programmed in both for many years, I believe that VB has the edge. Not only is it slightly faster than Java its also much easier to code in. I found C to be confusing, frightening and intimidating with its non-GUI-based coding style. Furthermore, I like to see the source code of the projects I work with. Java's source seems to be under the monopolistic thumb of Sun much the way that GCC is obscured from us by the marketing people at the FSF. Microsoft's "shared source" under which Visual Basic is released definately seems to be the most fair and reasonable of all the licenses in existance, with none of the harsh restrictions of the BSD license. It also lacks the GPLs requirement that anything coded with its tools becomes property of the FSF.
I hope to see a switch to VB very soon. I've already spoken with various luminaries in the *nix coding world and most are eager to begin to transition. Having just gotten off the phone with Mr. Alan Cox, I can say that he is quite thrilled with the speed increases that will occur when the Linux kernel is completely rewritten in Visual Basic. Richard Stallman plans to support this, and hopes that the great Swede himself, Linus Torvaldis, won't object to renaming Linux to VB/Linux. Although not a C coder himself, I'm told that Slashdot's very own Admiral Taco will support this on his web site.
We shouldn't have to adjust our settings to avoid reading his bullshit rants. This is like saying, "If you didn't want your TV stolen why didn't you buy a better lock for your door." If Taco et al had any respect for their readers, they'd yank this flaming bag of dogshit from their site and vastly improve the quality of Slashdot.
This morning I had a very enjoyable BM. I call them "Happy Kitten Turds" because on its way out the turd rubs against my prostate like a happy kitten rubbing against your leg.
I work as a consultant for several fortune 500 companies, and I think I can shed a little light on the climate of the open source community at the moment. I believe that part of the reason that open source based startups are failing left and right is not an issue of marketing as it's commonly believed but more of an issue of the underlying technology.
I know that that's a strong statement to make, but I have evidence to back it up! At one of the major corps(5000+ employees) that I consult for, we wanted to integrate Linux into our server pool. The allure of not having to pay any restrictive licensing fees was too great to ignore. I reccomended the installation of several boxes running the new 2.4.9 kernel, and my hopes were high that it would perform up to snuff with the Windows 2k boxes which were(and still are!) doing an AMAZING job at their respective tasks of serving HTTP requests, DNS, and fileserving.
I consider myself to be very technically inclined having programmed in VB for the last 8 years doing kernel level programming. I don't believe in C programming because contrary to popular belief, VB can go just as low level as C and the newest VB compiler generates code that's every bit as fast. I took it upon myself to configure the system from scratch and even used an optimised version of gcc 3.1 to increase the execution speed of the binaries. I integrated the 3 machines I had configured into the server pool, and I'd have to say the results were less than impressive... We all know that linux isn't even close to being ready for the desktop, but I had heard that it was supposed to perform decently as a "server" based operating system. The 3 machines all went into swap immediately, and it was obvious that they weren't going to be able to handle the load in this "enterprise" environment. After running for less than 24 hours, 2 of them had experienced kernel panics caused by Bind and Apache crashing! Granted, Apache is a volunteer based project written by weekend hackers in their spare time while Microsft's IIS has an actual professional full fledged development team devoted to it. Not to mention the fact that the Linux kernel itself lacks any support for any type of journaled filesystem, memory protection, SMP support, etc, but I thought that since Linux is based on such "old" technology that it would run with some level of stability. After several days of this type of behaviour, we decided to reinstall windows 2k on the boxes to make sure it wasn't a hardware problem that was causing things to go wrong. The machines instantly shaped up and were seamlessly reintegrated into the server pool with just one Win2K machine doing more work than all 3 of the Linux boxes.
Needless to say, I won't be reccomending Linux/FSF to anymore of my clients. I'm dissappointed that they won't be able to leverege the free cost of Linux to their advantage, but in this case I suppose the old adage stands true that, "you get what you pay for." I would have also liked to have access to the source code of the applications that we're running on our mission critical systems; however, from the looks of it, the Microsoft "shared source" program seems to offer all of the same freedoms as the GPL.
As things stand now, I can understand using Linux in academia to compile simple "Hello World" style programs and learn C programming, but I'm afraid that for anything more than a hobby OS, Windows 98/NT/2K are your only choices.
Is there a significant portion of the Internet that cannont use Google? Whats up with all these retarded Ask Slashdot questions. Editors please become ungay and get some real questions.
I would like to take a minute out to dispel a rumor that has been oozing around the Internet for quite sometime. This is a foul and insidious bit of gossip that's only used to provoke a negative reaction from people. Perhaps you've heard this rumor: That women use the Internet.
Now, this thought is quite patently absurd. To begin with, women simply aren't smart enough to use it. A woman's mind is pre-programmed, if you will, to cook and care for children and little else. Working with a global network of computers is simply not in her genes. When put in front of a computer, your typical woman will stare at it before attempting to use it to prepare dinner for her hard-working husband.
Of course monkey's have been taught sign-language, so it is theoretically possible that a woman, guided by the all-powerful mind of a man, might be able to use some of the more simplistic features of America Online. Perhaps sending a rudimentary instant messange asking how to clean a pair of her spouse's slacks. But lets enter the realm of imagination for a moment and we'll see why even if they had the mental ability to use the Internet, most little ladies still wouldn't.
The reason for this is that most women simply lack the desire. All women find the greatest joy in life to be spent in the kitchen preparing a wholesome dinner, or in the bedroom serving her husband. While some women may dispute this, its a scientific fact that this is just a coy game some women play to attract a mate. Deep inside they all crave the glowing warmth that comes making a roast beef in a Crock Pot.
So the next time you hear someone claiming to be a "woman" on the Internet, think twice. I am saddened to say this, but most likely it is nothing more than a homosexual attempting to get his jollies with this immoral act. Remember what Egg Troll says: On the Internet, the men are men...and so are the women.
Thank you.
[Ed. Note - It has since come to my attention that there have been reported sightings of women using the Internet. However, in all cases these women turned out to be lesbians. So if you should see a woman using the Internet, she will be a dyke in all cases.]
Jon Katz gets angry and upset if anyone besides him is perverting the Net. He's afraid competition might make his supply of 13 year old boys might evaporate.
Yes. Fortunately circus sideshows will not run into any shortages of bearded ladies anytime soon. I'm told that in the next year or so, Jon Katz may hit puberty and then be able to grow a beard himself!
Unfortunately the Taliban struggle to wipe their own asses. What do you expect from a culture that wraps their head in Charmin though. Silly wogs are using it on the wrong end.
Slashdot Mirror
Yes, fuck it good. It needs a good solid rogering, ideally from behind. Make it your whore.
We're busy humping your mom while you play D&D. Good woman, your mom. She's great in bed. She asks if you can start calling me daddy now. Here's a quarter: Go outside and play while me and mommy go have a special talk in her bedroom.
All the Marines I knew who were into D&D all had bad 70s porn star moustaches. Do you have one too? Oh, and I might mention that the Marines regularly get sodomized by not only the Air Force, but also Coast Guard recruits, too.
Why use anything but VBS, the best scripting language ever. If you haven't tried it, I highly suggest you do so. Much better than Perl and it doesn't have Perl's obnoxious licensing restrictions.
The majority of slashfags use Windows. They only pay lip service to Linux. Even the most die hard Linux fans know that its not nearly as stable, reliable or has the software available for it that Linux does. So while they all bitch about the Man, they use Windows. Which everyone knows is a superior OS.
And you find this suprising because...? Has Slashdot ever had reliable or goof information? Once they were almost on time with a report of a new kernel coming out, but other than that, I'm hard pressed to think of anything.
Well at least when he's writing insipid headlines he's not censoring posts, so maybe its a good thing?
You are clearly a homosexual. I refuse to join you and your ilk at your Gay Renessaince Faires that someone like you certainly attends. But hey, have fun at Ye Oldetyme Pavillion of Buggary or whatever you fruits call it.
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file(called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video, gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes). Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a tiny amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly fascinating .AVI, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the remote
is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is that it leaves both hands free to work
the VCR remote or languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt sucking wetly
at your dick with each slight movement of your hips. With careful preparation it's a damned
comfortable position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please, indulging as
many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over thleading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had.Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?
I bet they can find all the freaks they want right here on this very website. Just post a very technical question on Ask Slashdot ("Optimizing Compilers!") and anyone who answers and gets modded up +4/higher is probably a big enough freak to work at a circus.
Egg Troll has better things to do than to hang out with some ponytailed compufags who live in a fantasy world. Like, I can go out and get laid. Sure beats throwing around my 27-sided dice or talking about my 32nd level dwarven ninja/janitor.
I would like to take a minute out to dispel a rumor that has been oozing around the Internet for quite sometime. This is a foul and insidious bit of gossip that's only used to provoke a negative reaction from people. Perhaps you've heard this rumor: That women use the Internet.
Now, this thought is quite patently absurd. To begin with, women simply aren't smart enough to use it. A woman's mind is pre-programmed, if you will, to cook and care for children and little else. Working with a global network of computers is simply not in her genes. When put in front of a computer, your typical woman will stare at it before attempting to use it to prepare dinner for her hard-working husband.
Of course monkey's have been taught sign-language, so it is theoretically possible that a woman, guided by the all-powerful mind of a man, might be able to use some of the more simplistic features of America Online. Perhaps sending a rudimentary instant messange asking how to clean a pair of her spouse's slacks. But lets enter the realm of imagination for a moment and we'll see why even if they had the mental ability to use the Internet, most little ladies still wouldn't.
The reason for this is that most women simply lack the desire. All women find the greatest joy in life to be spent in the kitchen preparing a wholesome dinner, or in the bedroom serving her husband. While some women may dispute this, its a scientific fact that this is just a coy game some women play to attract a mate. Deep inside they all crave the glowing warmth that comes making a roast beef in a Crock Pot.
So the next time you hear someone claiming to be a "woman" on the Internet, think twice. I am saddened to say this, but most likely it is nothing more than a homosexual attempting to get his jollies with this immoral act. Remember what Egg Troll says: On the Internet, the men are men...and so are the women.
Thank you.
[Ed. Note - It has since come to my attention that there have been reported sightings of women using the Internet. However, in all cases these women turned out to be lesbians. So if you should see a woman using the Internet, she will be a dyke in all cases.]
Gentlemen, the time has come for a serious discussion on whether or not to continue using C for serious programming projects. As I will explain, I feel that C needs to be retired, much the same way that Fortran, Cobol and Perl have been. Furthermore, allow me to be so bold as to suggest a superior replacement to this outdated language.
To give you a little background on this subject, I was recently asked to develop a client/server project on a Unix platform for a Fortune 500 company. While I've never coded in C before I have coded in VB for fifteen years, and in Java for over ten, I was stunned to see how poorly C fared compared to these two, more low-level languages.
C's biggest difficulty, as we all know, is the fact that it is by far one of the slowest languages in existance, especially when compared to more modern languages such as Java. Although the reasons for this are varied, the main reasons seems to be the way C requires a programmer to laboriously work with chunks of memory.
Requiring a programmer to manipulate blocks of memory is a tedious way to program. This was satisfactory back in the early days of coding, but then again, so were punchcards. By using what are called "pointers" a C programmer is basically requiring the computer to do three sets of work rather than one. The first time requires the computer to duplicate whatever is stored in the memory space "pointed to" by the pointer. The second time requires it to perform the needed operation on this space. Finally the computer must delete the duplicate set and set the values of the original accordingly.
Clearly this is a horrendous use of resources and the chief reason why C is so slow. When one looks at a more modern (and a more serious) programming language like Java or, even better, Visual Basic, that lacks such archaic coding styles, one will also note a serious speed increase over C.
So what does this mean for the programming community? I think clearly that C needs to be abandonded. There are two candidates that would be a suitable replacement for it. Those are Java and Visual Basic.
Having programmed in both for many years, I believe that VB has the edge. Not only is it slightly faster than Java its also much easier to code in. I found C to be confusing, frightening and intimidating with its non-GUI-based coding style. Furthermore, I like to see the source code of the projects I work with. Java's source seems to be under the monopolistic thumb of Sun much the way that GCC is obscured from us by the marketing people at the FSF. Microsoft's "shared source" under which Visual Basic is released definately seems to be the most fair and reasonable of all the licenses in existance, with none of the harsh restrictions of the BSD license. It also lacks the GPLs requirement that anything coded with its tools becomes property of the FSF.
I hope to see a switch to VB very soon. I've already spoken with various luminaries in the *nix coding world and most are eager to begin to transition. Having just gotten off the phone with Mr. Alan Cox, I can say that he is quite thrilled with the speed increases that will occur when the Linux kernel is completely rewritten in Visual Basic. Richard Stallman plans to support this, and hopes that the great Swede himself, Linus Torvaldis, won't object to renaming Linux to VB/Linux. Although not a C coder himself, I'm told that Slashdot's very own Admiral Taco will support this on his web site.
Thank you for your time. Happy coding.
Egg Troll
Please read this comment.
We shouldn't have to adjust our settings to avoid reading his bullshit rants. This is like saying, "If you didn't want your TV stolen why didn't you buy a better lock for your door." If Taco et al had any respect for their readers, they'd yank this flaming bag of dogshit from their site and vastly improve the quality of Slashdot.
This morning I had a very enjoyable BM. I call them "Happy Kitten Turds" because on its way out the turd rubs against my prostate like a happy kitten rubbing against your leg.
I work as a consultant for several fortune 500 companies, and I think I can shed a little light on the climate of the open source community at the moment. I believe that part of the reason that open source based startups are failing left and right is not an issue of marketing as it's commonly believed but more of an issue of the underlying technology.
I know that that's a strong statement to make, but I have evidence to back it up! At one of the major corps(5000+ employees) that I consult for, we wanted to integrate Linux into our server pool. The allure of not having to pay any restrictive licensing fees was too great to ignore. I reccomended the installation of several boxes running the new 2.4.9 kernel, and my hopes were high that it would perform up to snuff with the Windows 2k boxes which were(and still are!) doing an AMAZING job at their respective tasks of serving HTTP requests, DNS, and fileserving.
I consider myself to be very technically inclined having programmed in VB for the last 8 years doing kernel level programming. I don't believe in C programming because contrary to popular belief, VB can go just as low level as C and the newest VB compiler generates code that's every bit as fast. I took it upon myself to configure the system from scratch and even used an optimised version of gcc 3.1 to increase the execution speed of the binaries. I integrated the 3 machines I had configured into the server pool, and I'd have to say the results were less than impressive... We all know that linux isn't even close to being ready for the desktop, but I had heard that it was supposed to perform decently as a "server" based operating system. The 3 machines all went into swap immediately, and it was obvious that they weren't going to be able to handle the load in this "enterprise" environment. After running for less than 24 hours, 2 of them had experienced kernel panics caused by Bind and Apache crashing! Granted, Apache is a volunteer based project written by weekend hackers in their spare time while Microsft's IIS has an actual professional full fledged development team devoted to it. Not to mention the fact that the Linux kernel itself lacks any support for any type of journaled filesystem, memory protection, SMP support, etc, but I thought that since Linux is based on such "old" technology that it would run with some level of stability. After several days of this type of behaviour, we decided to reinstall windows 2k on the boxes to make sure it wasn't a hardware problem that was causing things to go wrong. The machines instantly shaped up and were seamlessly reintegrated into the server pool with just one Win2K machine doing more work than all 3 of the Linux boxes.
Needless to say, I won't be reccomending Linux/FSF to anymore of my clients. I'm dissappointed that they won't be able to leverege the free cost of Linux to their advantage, but in this case I suppose the old adage stands true that, "you get what you pay for." I would have also liked to have access to the source code of the applications that we're running on our mission critical systems; however, from the looks of it, the Microsoft "shared source" program seems to offer all of the same freedoms as the GPL.
As things stand now, I can understand using Linux in academia to compile simple "Hello World" style programs and learn C programming, but I'm afraid that for anything more than a hobby OS, Windows 98/NT/2K are your only choices.
thank you.
Apparently, given his defensiveness, he's been at a Pride rally! Keep reaching for that rainbow, sailor!
I think we know all about your mother.
Thank you.
I would like to take a minute out to dispel a rumor that has been oozing around the Internet for quite sometime. This is a foul and insidious bit of gossip that's only used to provoke a negative reaction from people. Perhaps you've heard this rumor: That women use the Internet.
Now, this thought is quite patently absurd. To begin with, women simply aren't smart enough to use it. A woman's mind is pre-programmed, if you will, to cook and care for children and little else. Working with a global network of computers is simply not in her genes. When put in front of a computer, your typical woman will stare at it before attempting to use it to prepare dinner for her hard-working husband.
Of course monkey's have been taught sign-language, so it is theoretically possible that a woman, guided by the all-powerful mind of a man, might be able to use some of the more simplistic features of America Online. Perhaps sending a rudimentary instant messange asking how to clean a pair of her spouse's slacks. But lets enter the realm of imagination for a moment and we'll see why even if they had the mental ability to use the Internet, most little ladies still wouldn't.
The reason for this is that most women simply lack the desire. All women find the greatest joy in life to be spent in the kitchen preparing a wholesome dinner, or in the bedroom serving her husband. While some women may dispute this, its a scientific fact that this is just a coy game some women play to attract a mate. Deep inside they all crave the glowing warmth that comes making a roast beef in a Crock Pot.
So the next time you hear someone claiming to be a "woman" on the Internet, think twice. I am saddened to say this, but most likely it is nothing more than a homosexual attempting to get his jollies with this immoral act. Remember what Egg Troll says: On the Internet, the men are men...and so are the women.
Thank you.
[Ed. Note - It has since come to my attention that there have been reported sightings of women using the Internet. However, in all cases these women turned out to be lesbians. So if you should see a woman using the Internet, she will be a dyke in all cases.]
Jon Katz gets angry and upset if anyone besides him is perverting the Net. He's afraid competition might make his supply of 13 year old boys might evaporate.
Yes. Fortunately circus sideshows will not run into any shortages of bearded ladies anytime soon. I'm told that in the next year or so, Jon Katz may hit puberty and then be able to grow a beard himself!
Unfortunately the Taliban struggle to wipe their own asses. What do you expect from a culture that wraps their head in Charmin though. Silly wogs are using it on the wrong end.
He's already insane. Crazy as a shithouse rat.