Mayor McPenisman has a tale of woe to dispense, and since you asked, here goes: Emporer Napleon Bonerpants founded Penisville with the intention of eating penis pot pie on a daily basis. Soon after, Harry "Penis" Houdini assisinated him through trecherous means. Our penis loving state was in danger of being taken over by the Poonis worshippers. Then I, Mayor McPenisman united the penisites under the flag of penis (the flag of penis being a penis drawn on a flag) and the general love among penismen. All "members" (get it?) of the penis party get penis sitting privilages any time they want. Phallic Phreedom to all!
Troll 30 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Just three days ago, I subscribed to OSDN's (formerly known as Andover.net; a subsidiary of VA Software formerly known as VA Linux formerly known as VA Research) Freshmeat Update newsletter. However, I quickly found out that spending half a minute per day reading about new open sores warez is a waste of my valuable time; hence I decided to unsubscribe. Luckily, I was too lazy to do it yesterday or else I would have missed this wonderful ad that came with the newsletter this morning, instead of the usual ad for Thawte's SSL Guide:
-- Mind altering substance from Microsoft.
Microsoft® Visual Studio®.NET from Microsoft has arrived. Will the old way of programming survive?Click to find out: www.msdn.microsoft.com/vstudio --
It seems that the Visual Studio banner ad [doubleclick.net] was not a single occurence, but rather part of a prolonged advertising campaign by Microsoft on the VA sites.
Hopefully, this means that VA are running short of cash, need every dollar they could possibly get their greedy hands on and their end is nearer than I would have ever hoped. Hopefully, this will also mean that $lashdot won't be around much longer and the pimply-faced slashbots will finally use some real software [microsoft.com] instead of that open sores crap [kdevelop.org].
P.S. I liked this part in MS' ad the most: "Will the old way of programming survive?". LOL.
Troll 28 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library.
The word "fag" is a contraction of the word "faggot" (or, "fagot"). When traced through its etymological history, the word "faggot" simply means "a bundle of sticks used as fuel." See dictionary.com and thesaurus.com (where such words as "fuel" and "brimstone" are used as synonyms). "Scholars" can't decide when such a word began to be used in reference to homosexuals, so we'll give the answer here: "I have overthrown some of you, as God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah, and ye were as a firebrand plucked out of the burning: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord."
Amos 4:11. The word translated "firebrand" is the Hebrew word "uwd," which comes from a Hebrew verb meaning "to rake together" (or, "to gather together"). In short, the Hebrew word "uwd" is talking about burning sticks of wood that are gathered together. That is what the English word "faggot" means. Amos 4:11 could just as easily be translated "...ye were as a faggot plucked out of the burning..."
For those geniuses out there who are asking, "are you saying that God hates burning pieces of wood?", the answer is "no, we're using it as a figure of speech, just like the Bible uses it." It is an excellent metaphor to describe sodomites because they fuel God's wrath, they burn in lust, and they will burn in hell. In Amos 4:11, the "fag" is the person who is sinning after the manner of Sodom and Gomorrah, has seen other "fags" overthrown by God, and still refuses to repent. So, the word "fag" refers to people who sin like the Sodomites did. It not only refers to homosexuals, but also refers to people who support homosexuals (see Romans 1:32), and people who engage in all other relatively "lesser" perversions (like impenitent premarital sex and adultery, including the adultery of all of you divorced-and-remarried "born again Christians").
For those of you who have deluded yourselves into thinking that the story of Sodom isn't really talking about homosexuals, read the following: the people of Sodom and Gomorrah had completely turned away from God, and whenever that happens, homosexuality abounds. Paul described this in Romans 1, and you can read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 19. Conditions in Sodom were so bad that it had become acceptable for men to surround Lot's house and ask to have sex with the men inside. Anybody who thinks that today is any different than those days needs to attend San Francisco's annual gay rights parade, stand along the parade route, and hold a sign that says "GOD HATES FAGS." You'll see and hear evidence of all of the sins of Sodom in just a few short hours (sodomy, violence, fornication, adultery, pride, sinful treatment of the servants of God, etc.) The same mob mentality that ruled the unlawful fags in the days of Sodom rules the unlawful fags today.
Troll 27 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library.
The KDE project is famous for its funded and organised trolling of weblogs and message board associated with Linux and Free software/open source. Outrageous newbie impressing claims are made for the software and huge quanities of FUD are spread to destroy competitors. If this sounds familiar, then you are correct, most of these tactics were lifted straight from Microsoft's arsenal of dirty tricks. The Windows look and feel isnot the only thing the KDE project has copied! In this short article I will address some of the lies andFUD spread by the KDE trolling teams. It is my hope that this, in some small way, will redress the balance and re-introduce two things almost eradicated by the KDE project: Honesty and facts.
Myth #1 - KDE is more integrated than GNOME
The oft-heard cry of the noisiest KDE advocates. No explanation is given, the reader is expected to simply grok the wholesomeness of KDE and the lack of this mystical quality in GNOME. It is nonsense of course. Neither desktop is particularly "integrated" compared to Windows XP, and certainly not compared any version of the Apple Mac. Whatever "integrated" actually means.
Myth #2 - KDE is easier to use
Again, such nebulous arguments are never explained, and the reader is expected to simply understand the truth of the zealots statement. Both KDE and GNOME have user-interface irritations (all systems do), but "ease of use" is not a simple thing to measure. KDE has never been subjected to detailed user testing, unlike GNOME [gnome.org], and the claims of user-friendliness are from crazed supporters and not average users. Furthermore, the KDE faithful rarely look beyond simple-minded copying of Windows, and forget that administering a desktop system is just as important as having widgets in the correct place on the toolbar. For example: What about application installation and removal? GNOME has the excellent RedCarpet by Ximian [ximian.com], which makes the installation, removal and updating of applications trivial. KDE users are expected to fend for themselves with brutal command line driven systems. GNOME also has the excellent Ximian setup tools to handle various tricky cross-platform and potentially risky system configuration operations. KDE offers none of this, only a few small half-assed Linux-only tools, which make no attempt at check-pointing to return to known working configurations.
Myth #3 - KDE is more popular
In what sense? Arguably more people use KDE, but it is a close run thing. Most KDE zealots use the results of online polls as proof of their superior userbase - which is, quite frankly, complete and utter nonsense.Online polls are the joke of the century; it doesn't even require a motivated script kiddie to render then worthless. A single post alerting the faithful on a zealot-ridden site can skew the result so much it makes American presidential elections look fair and well organised. Popularity is also difficult to measure when *both* GNOME and KDE are frequently installed on the same system. The systems can co-exist and even run atthe same time, except for certain applications such as panels. Many KDE users actually run GNOME applications for their superior features and stability, not realising that by doing so they are barely running KDE atall.
One of the few solid measures of popularity is commercial use of a desktop, and here, GNOME is far ahead with both Hewlett Packard and Sun committing to using GNOME as the desktop for their Unix systems. This also ties in with the previously mentioned ease of use. Sun's major contribution to the GNOME project is in the areas of user/developer documentation, testing, accessiblity and user-testing. Three of the less glamourous parts of desktop development. The arrival of the GNOME 2.x series will see these contributions reach fruitition and allow GNOME to make a quantum leap ahead of KDE in most of the basic computer/user issues.
Myth #4 - Konqueror is the best Linux browser
Oh for a penny every time this lie is told in any KDE story! Konqueror not a bad piece of software. It's authors deserve praise for the work done on it. However, the sheer amount of orgasmic gushing by the KDE faithful is completely out of proportion to its actual quality. It is quite unreliable and evensimple standards compliant pages can crash it quite comprehensively. It is also lax in its support of basic web standards compared to either Mozilla or Opera. It is also extremely slow - much slower than the latest incarnations of the GNOME Nautilus filemanager/browser (a target of much KDE FUD during its development).
Myth #5 - KDE applications are better/more advanced than GNOME ones due to the ease of developing in C++ using the Qt toolkit
See also: Qt/TrollTech. This is the most common wail heard by KDE developers, and yet it is easily disproved by looking at the actual applications for GNOME/GTK and KDE/Qt. KDE applications often have larger version numbers than GNOME ones... an old trick played by commerical software developers. Most KDE apps seem to jumpfor 1.x releases long before they are ready - KOffice being the best example. None of the components in Koffice are worthy of a 1.0 release, let alone 1.1 or 1.2.
GNOME applications get much more testing in their 0.x stages and despite shorter development phases theymature and reach stable featureful release states much more quickly. Some examples of this are: the superb Evolution (groupware/email), Gnumeric (spreadsheet), Pan (newsreader), The GIMP (image manipulation), Abiword (word processing), RedCarpet, X-Chat (IRC client), XMMS (media player), Galeon (web browser), and for developers: Glade and Anjuta. All of these packages ooze quality, and far outclass their KDE counterparts. It is nounderstatement to say that GNOME is at least 18 months ahead of KDE in applications, and pulling stillfurther ahead.
It's not only in the area of user applications that GNOME is vastly more advanced. With the forthcoming 2.x release, a number of impressive behind the scenes technologies will finally mature: component technology (bonobo), media (Gstreamer), internationalisation (pango). As a developement platform, GNOME 2.x is, conservatively, 2-3 years ahead of KDE. And what is more, because it is not tied to a lowest common denominator cross-platform bloat-fest like the Qt toolkit, the lead (as with applications) can only increase further.
It is also worth noting that GNOME also develops code for use outside the project (see the XML libraries as one example) - the KDE project rarely (if ever) engages in this kind of work. KDE developers ensure that all software must link with Qt, and hence tie it closely with the Qt toolkit preventing re-use and enhancing the value of TrollTech intellectual property.
Yet despite all this, we are still regularly fed the lie that Qt and C++ makes application and desktop development easier. Judge for yourself.
Myth #6 - KDE is faster and takes less memory than GNOME
KDE is written in C++. While this is not necessarily a problem, it can be when Visual Basic reject programmers(which the KDE project is overrun with) do not know enough to avoid important pitfalls that plague C++ software projects. Stupid use of autoincrementing operators and iteration with C++ objects; and masses of unnecessary allocations and deallocations of memory are two of the most common. KDE suffers badly from both problems.
Perhaps the most cretinous of all problems is blaming the extremely slow startup times of KDE apps on GCC. The GNOME 1.x releases were hardly svelt (2.x fixes many of these issues), but GNOME is a fashion cat-walk superwaif when compared to KDE's 500lb fat-momma cheese-burger scoffing trailer trash. One need only look at the recent fuss over ugly KDE hacks (such as prelinking) used to bandage up the design and coding flaws in the decrepit KDEarchitecture to see the truth.
Myth #7 - GNOME development is slower. KDE releases faster.
Fundamental misunderstanding. The KDE project releases as one big lump of code due to its use of C++ and the many problems this causes with libraries. The project bumps the version number of the entire KDE system for the smallest modifications. GNOME, on the other hand is componentized and each component releases on a (almost) separate schedule, bumping it's own version number but not the main GNOME version (1.4, for example). Occasional releases of the entire GNOME system happen, and that's when the GNOME version number is bumped (currently it is at 1.4). To see this in action, use RedCarpet and you will regular updates to GNOME components. GNOME development is not slower, it is in fact faster and more advanced. Lamers and newbies, however, fail to understand the advantages of this method and just see KDE 1.1.1 followed a few weeks later by KDE 1.1.2. Wow! KDE roolz.
Myth #8 - The Qt toolkit is cross-platform and yet takes advantage of each individual platform
The Qt toolkit (the software at the heart of KDE) is supposedly a cross-platform toolkit allowing the luckydeveloper the opportunity to write Windows/Linux/Mac software all at once. And yet, among the magicalmythical claims made, the most nonsensical is that it makes applications which take advantage of thedistinct features of the different platforms. This is of course, nonsense. Qt is a bloated, slow layerthat is slapped over a native system's APIs in an attempt to make all the systems look alike. It no moretakes advantage of Linux/Windows/Mac than Java does - in fact it offers many of the disadvantages of Java with few of the advantages. If you have ever wondered why the KDE desktop looks so much like Windows... youneed look no further than Qt. Qt is a lowest common denominator toolkit, and that LCD is Windows - Trolltech's,the creator of Qt, real market.
Myth #9 - TrollTech is a friend of Free software
To Be Written. Ideas: Qt started out as non-Free. KDE developers knew this violated the GPL, didn't care, stoleothers' GPL code by porting it to link (in violation of the license) with Qt and are therefore untrustworthy. KDE core developers work for TrollTech. Expensive per developer licensing for writing closed-source with Qt, and hence KDE. Trolltech only moved towards the GPL because of the success of GNOME. Labyrinthine licensing nightmare (3 licenses todeal with). Gradual migration of features belonging in KDE into Qt (and so into TrollTech's IP portfolio), allowing easy porting of apps to the revenue generating Windows world (see TheKompany for a perfect example), thereby making KDE an irrelevant launcher of Qt applications. Claims made that Qt is GPL, while true, hide the real truth. There cannot be a real fork of Qt for the KDE project: Core developers work for Trolltech; any fork would need to be full GPL and hence ban any closed-source apps from KDE altogether (all KDE apps must link with Qt); Any commerical licensees of Qt (non-GPL) would and could only follow TrollTech. KDE is stitched up good and proper.
Myth #10 - KDE is more than attractive, but GNOME/GTK is ugly
To be Written. Ideas: Mosfet liquid theme is an ugly and unstable hack. GNOME GTk icons are better thought-outand of a far higher quality than the poorly drawn and cartoonish and confusing KDE ones. Qt is basically a Windows-look on a Unix platform.
Troll 26 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Hi, I'm The_Fire_Horse - you might remember me from such postings as "Fuck the world" and "Here comes another wanker".
My program today discusses the ancient art of having a wank on a public transport vehicle (bus, train, boat - it doesnt matter)
You will need:
a large newspaper
at least 2 magazines
a dick
When you board the bus/train/boat; sit right across from a really hot chick with a short skirt and no bra - leer at her for a while. Ask her to show you her tits - women like it when men take the initiative to say this
Take out a newspaper and a couple of magazines and place the magazines open on either sides of you - try and make them 'trade' type mags and not Playboy or Penthouse.
Ok, now your sides are now covered - now get the newspaper and open it wide to the middle and place the bottom between your knees and lap - you should now be completely 'invisible'.
Unzip your fly and start wanking furiously to the image of the short skirted chick in front of you while yelling "DO IT BABY - DO IT NNNOOOOOWWWW !!!!!!". Dont worry, she and the other passengers cant hear you because you're surrounded by the 'newspapers of invisibility'.
Explain to the police that you got your advice from some dickhead on $lashdot and they will understand, and just let you go. Just remember to give them the secret handshake - which is of course, a hand full of the results of your wank. They will have a really good laugh about it and you will be the best of friends.
This has been a community service announcement to the fellow horny students of the world.
Bad news... it didn't work. But I decided to use my "one phone call" by going to the station-computer to post here at/. and let you know I'm in jail now. Thanks a lot, asshole!
Sorry to say this... but the only possible explanation is.. THE POLICE WHO ARRESTED YOU ARE ALIENS FROM MARS!!
Now dont be alarmed, its happened before. The fact that this highly instructive and foolproof method failed you and got you arrested, can only mean that they are not human police.
There is a way though! - Here is what you need to do...
Ring your local MP and say:
I was wanking on a bus and I got arrested, but I was using a foolproof method, so that proves that the police who arrested me are Aliens from Mars.
You can now relax, because the special "Anti Alien Task Force which stop honest citizens wanking on buses" will save you.
Case closed!
Troll 25 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Aires Aires, the other trolls are starting to tire of your self-delusional and selfish demeanor. You are not the one to lead the revolution. There is not even a revolution. In the coming days you should stray from your "blind and barbarous" charges into the frontlines of battle. Balance your self-aggrandizing trolls with humility or brotherhood. You blazed a trail through the e-wilderness but now you have blitzed your penis into a brick wall. Start looking for that balance with the universe and its inhabitants which you lack, lest you blindly and bluntly charge your erect manhood into ESRâ(TM)s sweaty, pulsing, and filthy anus. And you donâ(TM)t want to do that, do you?
Taurus You provide foundation and structure to trolldom. If there be an Empire, then let its roots be your works. Yours is the first earthly manifestation of our combined and unified beauty, but now you have a choice. You can either lazily roam the fertile pastures and suck the sweet honey of victory, or you can help build Babel to the heavens. Beware, the former might lead to you sucking the semen from Tacoâ(TM)s cock, while the latter, although lifting you from your sacred footings and unnerving yourself, may prove to be the wisest choice.
Gemini You have many talents. Your trolls can be beautifully written, exhibiting your natural communication talents. Your mind is quick and flighty. Have you ever realized the variety of your pieces? One night you might write a homosexual expose on Linux faggotry, while the next day it is a craftily written legitimate troll. Your dual nature puzzles most and maybe even yourself. Some might not even see it outright. De Broglie contends that all matter is a wave on some level. Are you a wave, wayward Gemini? Another example is that you are a troll but you revel in using open source programs. You hide yourself well. You are a whore in most ways. And as a whore you will never be fulfilled. You may have had your fun about a week ago, but now it is not your time. It will be a while before you pull yourself back together again. But stick around, the dregs take entertainment in your plights and facetious ways.
Cancer Remember that time you once tried to troll? Remember when everyone laughed at your pitiful attempts? Remember how you withdrew immediately and started to masturbate wildly to Hentai? Remember how once you came the neurotransmitters immediately pulsed through your being and took you to a pleasant place? The lesson here is that you are a pussy-mama and have no trolling talents. Masturbation is not a talent, fool, and you will never have your love be accepted in trolldom, or the world for that matter.
Leo You know those days when no one seems to be trolling? Well Leo, you are our light in those dark days. You carry the torch, albeit in a conceited and self-centered way, but nonetheless you keep the Path alive. The shadow has yet to hold us sway. Donâ(TM)t get to full off yourself, because while you can keep a warm castle for us, you canâ(TM)t build us an Empire. Know your limitations sir, and also take care not to trample over the visionaries that can take you to the Next Level.
Virgo You trolling style reeks of prudishness. To spice your life, I recommend throwing in some good bathroom humor or homosexuality into your writings. Your endless crapflooding, although detailed and nonsensical, lacks something special. You are a machine, a practical worker for the cause. You can best manifest your greatness when you are working for someone else. You should find a good Gemini (yeah I know thatâ(TM)s an oxymoron), Libra, or Aquarius to give you inspiration and work. You need some mental stimulation right now. Actually, you could use any stimulation now, and for that, find a Libra.
Libra Much like your cardinal counterpart Aires, you are a pioneer. But unlike Aires, your talent begins in the mind, inciting thousands of blood-thirsty trolls to rally to the cause. You lead is bond, and your bond is beauty. But did I mention youâ(TM)re a fake, arrogant bastard. Your superficial way canâ(TM)t last. Also, did you ever wonder why you rarely troll? Well, Iâ(TM)ll tell you. Youâ(TM)re an indecisive bastard. You start a story but then canâ(TM)t make up your mind over some unimportant detail. Becoming frustrated, you start jerking off to the homosexual undertones contained in your trolls. This is a mistake. Harness and channel your energy of creativity and destruction, and in the balancing of the two you might find success.
Scorpio You are the true master of the art of covert trolling. Under the innocent guise of a harmless introvert lies a cold calculating killer brooding for the taste of blood and seminal fluids. You manipulate, scheme, lie, and sleep your way to the top. You could be a star in the sky, but you usually end up bound up in your own web of deceit. Sometimes you unconsciously look forward and plot this conclusion. In the depths of your sick twisted hell lies the key to transformation. The phoenix is birthed in the abyss, only to catch ablaze and fly soaring to the heavens. This probably wonâ(TM)t happen to you though.
Sagittarius You have the ability to show us "The True Path", but you would rather drink yourself to oblivion with a bunch of forest nymphs. Honestly, who here wouldnâ(TM)t do that? I have a desire to party with the forest nymphs tonight. Sag, let us hang out, drink much stout and wine, and fornicate with some nymphs. Fuck trolling, my carnal nature calls.
Capricorn Always trying, always failing, always overcoming. Are you part of the allied forces, or do you contribute to the vile structure that threatens us all? Nobody recognizes your struggles because you manage to write in an earthy and uninspired monotone. What does this mean? Well, I donâ(TM)t know exactly what it means but I do know that youâ(TM)re a homosexual.
Aquarius We all have problems, but you, Aquarius, have problems that affect us all. You fancy yourself a leader. Why? We never asked for you to bare the water to our thirsty lips. We never asked you to refine the Troll Empire into your own sick sadistic world. Once outcasted among "proper" trolls, some sick spirit from within told you, "If you build it, they will cum." Fuck those talentless bastards. The structure is now built, and the talents are ready to be poured. It is your duty to pour your metaphorical homosexual semen all over trolldom, and the world. Do not falter, for the revolution looms, and the sun will rise yet.
Pisces Oh, what an old soul you must be. In some ways you are the flowing talent that Aquarius bares. This is doubtful though, as your inner water is probably stagnant and swarming with mosquitoes. You embody the best of the of the Zodiac. Donâ(TM)t get to full of yourself, because you also embody the worst. That is the key to your constant failures. You should get very angry right now and create a storm with the raging sewage inside of you. Pound trolldom from the heavens with your bile, and then cry. You may feel that no one understands you, and hell, youâ(TM)re probably right. That doesnâ(TM)t matter now, because the world needs your "talents" right now.
Troll 23 of 115 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Here we go again. Yet another release of the hateful "Linux" operating system, prominently splattered across the front page of the Internet's premiere "geek" weblog. You would think that in light of recent events, people would want to support their country and help their country's economy. To software people, that means purchasing and installing products from American companies, such as Microsoft and Sun Microsystems. You would think that pure patriotism would be stronger than the desire to "enjoy" some of the imagined benefits of "open source" software. Apparently, the moral community has severely underestimated the widespread reach of liberal thinking.
Linux is not an American product. It is not made in America. Linux developers are a bunch of loose-knit leftists from all over the globe, acting out of the interest of "global cooperation." Does this sound familiar? It ought to. The United Nations is an organization that operates (ostensibly) under similar principles, but has a far more sinister goal, which is the establishment of a One World Government that consumes and renders irrelevant the superior culture of the United States of America.
Would you allow a blue-bereted, black-helicoptered, jack-booted thug into your own home? If not, then why on Earth would you even consider installing Linux? For mere pennies a day you can run a moral operating system. I realize that Linux is big among the UN-loving liberals, but isn't most of $lashdot's readership libertarian/Republican? It seems to me that this is a fundamental contradiction, and that a lot of people need to start re-evaluating their priorities.
Thank you.
Troll 22 of 114 from the annals of the Troll Library.
In my development of the Troll Library and the Troll Library Technology, I have received many questions and concerns in reference to the Troll Library and its use on $lashdot. The intention of this post is to "clear the air" of the misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions which have been posited about the Troll Library.
What is the Troll Library?
The Troll Library is a database of the best and brightest trolls of $lashdot history. The database is SQL 2000 and is managed by Microsoft C# using.NET technology.
How can the Troll Library be accessed?
The Troll Library is not yet available online, but it will eventually be made publicly available in the form of a.NET web service-- That means that you will be able to browse the library and submit your additions with your web browser (yes, even an inferior piece of shit like Mozilla, since Microsoft for some reason chose to include "down-level" compatibility with their web services in.NET).
What's the ultimate goal of the Troll Library?
To crapflood $lashdot into oblivion using Microsoft technologies.
What does the $lashdot community think about this?
Using Microsoft.NET to annihilate $lashdot really pisses off the $lashdot community, which is hilarous.
Do you sit around and read $lashdot all day?
Of course not. The client troll poster bot automatically detects a new story on $lashdot, selects a post from the Troll Library database, and submits it to $lashdot. The client is written purely in C# using Windows Forms in.NET. It would be impossible for $lashdot server to detect the presence of the bot, except for the "Dirty Linux Users:Are Hippies" header.
What if they crack down?
If the 'editors' (I use the term loosely) were to ban the RoboTroll or Troll Library posts, the posting client would have to become open source and avialable to everyone. The irony and humor is very rich indeed.
How can I help?
The single biggest need is a.NET server with the bandwidth capable of being $lashdotted. Please make your plans and prepare accordingly; when the time comes, we want you to be ready. What you will receive is nothing more than a.ZIP file to unzip to your inetpub\wwwroot folder.
If you are running Apache or some other open source derivative piece of shit, I can only laugh at your sad ability to serve up plain ol' HTML. You sad and pathetic, and I fear for your future career-- or lack thereof. HAHAH!!!
Thanks!!
No - Thank you, the honorable and noble Trolls of $lashdot, we all know that WE are the lifeblood of $lashdot itself, and it would wither and die without US.
Do not attempt to email me (email is bullshit of course) or otherwise, just reply to this post; replies are automatically indexed and delivered to me.
Troll 15 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece. Massaging my nutsack she....
WAIT, I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass. [goatse.cx]
"OH BIG ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion, deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"
"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!"
I DO IT WRONG!!!!
I continue to hump her alabaster form. Glistening with beads of sweat, she bites her lip in delight as I tear her ass open with my engorged dick.
"Queen Amidala!!" I shreik as I near climax.
She looks up at me and screams, "You are so alive in me, unlike *BSD or VA Software!!! Fill me with seed!! Yes, Yes, Yess!!!!"
"For me you are calling, hhhmmm?"
"YODA?!? What the fuck, can't you see I am using the force here?"
He savagely kicks my Natalie aside, he pulls out his large green penis and impales me...
I DO IT WRONG!!
All your sporkz are belong to the dead homiez!!
Troll 14 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Im not just confused; I am utterly baffled! therefore I am also quite stupid. And I say, again, once more : thanks for your time reading this. I bet you wish you had the last x seconds of your silly life back. HAHAH BITCH. Eat that.
Troll 13 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library.
The Meta$lashdot Discussion is now only a memory. This make good sense because if there is no activity on a discussion for 2 weeks the discussion is deleted. But I posted a comment on 2/13 at 11:42am. I was questioning, in that comment, why $lashdot (which is anti-M$) was running ads for VS.NET? There were no replies. I didn't even think twice about looking for it yesterday, but I thought it looked strange... here is how it shows up on my list:
5Please Explain posted on Wednesday February 13, @11:42AM (Score:-1) attached to
Do you notice what is wrong? What is the comment attached to? (HINT: It should be the Meta $lashdot Discussion) Now try viewing the comment, it's not there...Where is it? Email CmdrTacoand ask him to query for CID 3000553 on his database.
By the way, I'll try not to post with this account for a few days so that this comment stays on my comments list so that I have proof that I am telling the truth. Look at my comments
UPDATE: Here is a copy of an email from our good buddy Rob Malda: From : "Rob \"CmdrTaco\" Malda"
To : "jajhj oiusd" , krow@$lashdot.org
Subject: Re: Please Explain
Date : Fri, 15 Feb 2002 10:31:30 -0500
Looks like a bug to me.
On Friday 15 February 2002 10:14 am, you wrote: > I posted a comment to the meta slash discussion on 2/13 at 11:42AM and the > comment and the discussion are now gone. Why is that? Was there something > in the discussion that needed to be deleted? > > I know that if there is no activity in a discussion for like 2 weeks then > it will be deleted. But there was activity with in the past 2 days. What > gives? here is a link to the comment I submitted > > http://$lashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=26638&cid=3000 553
UPDATE: Shortly after posting this journal entry, I was banned.
Troll 12 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library.
In light of the new URL convention for $lashdot (SECTION.$lashdot.org where SECTION can be apple, ask,..., etc.) which looks suspiciously MS IIS-like, I just queried Netcraft to find out what type of server the site is running. The results were astonishing!
The site ask.$lashdot.org is running Microsoft-IIS/5.0 on Windows 2000.
... same with $lashdot.org, apple.$lashdot.org, yro.$lashdot.org, tacosnot.$lashdot.org, and jonkatzcatholicpriest.$lashdot.org. CmdrTaco and company have SOLD THEIR SOULS to the EVIL EMPIRE!! MICROSOFT HAS WON!! It is entirely likely that they have been bought by Mr. Gates and company. This end result was predicted here [$lashdot.org].
Propz to all crapflooders........
Troll 11 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library.
2002. $lashdot publishes 1,000,000th rumor passed off as actual story. The story generates 480 comments, 263 of which agree with the article, and 107 of which point out it's a rumor and are modded down as redundant. The remaining comments are all "first posts."
2002. CmdrTaco married.
2002. $lashdot parent corporation VA Research^W Linux^W Software stock worth 35 cents. Rumors that AOL, Microsoft, or even Jimmy the hobo who lives under the Longfellow Bridge may buy it.
2003. VA Software bought by Microsoft for a cup of coffee and a donut. All Microsoft-critical articles mysteriously disappear from $lashdot. Bill Gates as Borg logo replaced with Bill Gates as God.
2004. CmdrTaco loses virginity.
2004. The WIPO Troll returns again, showering $lashdot in 45,000 copies of the same post: "Lick my crotch hairs." $lashdot, despite running on 18 redundant IIS/8.0 servers, buckles under the load. The term "$lashdotted" is replaced with "WIPO-Trolled."
2004. $lashdot officially shut down. Millions of screaming, unwashed geeks invade Redmond campus and lynch Bill Gates.
2005. Linus Torvalds and Anal Cox found dead along with six penguins, a tub of crisco and several used condoms.
2005. CmdrTaco rumored to have had sex again.
2006. CowboiKneel found dead in hotel room with 56 pizza boxes covering his bloated corpse. Three suffocated gay prostitutes are extracted from beneath his body as police remove it with a backhoe.
2007. CmdrTaco actually has sex again.
2007. BSD is still officially "dying." No word on when its demise will take place.
2007. CmdrTaco starts new weblog to replace $lashdot, creatively named Dotslash. Remainder of Linux users flock to the site and immediate WIPO-Troll it out of existence.
2008. CmdrTaco has sex with his wife for the first time.
Troll 10 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
IMPORTANT: There is a huge security hole in all Mozilla builds that was just discovered yesterday. Luckily, the fix is small, simple, and can be downloaded over the Internet. This fix is available from the fine, honest folks at data.com. Please install their patch ASAP, before malicious hackers wipe Mozilla off the web!
-F
Troll 9 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
I like most of my generation grew up watching the Smurfs. I loved them so much that I tuned in every Saturday morning to see what crazy hijinks those lovable little blue creatures would get up to.
It is just now that I have realized what I was really tuning into each and every Saturday morning was in actuality Socialist Propaganda!! Yes that is correct, Papa Smurf and all of his little Smurf minions are not the happy little characters Hanna Barbara would have us believe! The cartoon was really created by the Russian government in order to indoctrinate the youngest members of western society with Socialist beliefs and ideals thus destroying their resistance to the imminent Russian invasion that was to occur when this generation (my generation) grew up.
To prove my point I submit that 1.) They live in a communal village and are discouraged to leave the village without the company of their fellow Smurfs. 2.) Every Smurf has his own specific job and does not deviate from that job. The job even becomes part of their personality and their name (Brainy Smurf, Handy Smurf, etc.) 3.) If ever a Smurf decides to strike out on his own he is cast into danger in some way of another and it is up to the collective to save him. 4.) Papa Smurf looks an awful lot like Karl Marx plus, he wears all that red.
And let us not forget Smurfette, the lone female Smurf and the embodiment of community property.
In the face of such convincing evidence, it is easy to mark the Smurfs as the Socialists they are, and their nemeses Gargamel (and his maladjusted cat Azrael, a not so subtle attack on ISRAEL) is the personification of Capitalism; out for himself and profit trying to destroy the peaceful commune of Smurfs.
Thankfully our resistance was not destroyed, thanks to the determination of other cartoons such as G.I. Joe and Richie Rich who's goal it was to instill in the children of the western world the morals and values of Capitalism.
Troll 8 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Slashdot Mirror
Emporer Napleon Bonerpants founded Penisville with the intention of eating penis pot pie on a daily basis. Soon after, Harry "Penis" Houdini assisinated him through trecherous means. Our penis loving state was in danger of being taken over by the Poonis worshippers.
Then I, Mayor McPenisman united the penisites under the flag of penis (the flag of penis being a penis drawn on a flag) and the general love among penismen. All "members" (get it?) of the penis party get penis sitting privilages any time they want. Phallic Phreedom to all!
Troll 30 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library .
--
.NET from Microsoft
Mind altering substance from Microsoft.
Microsoft® Visual Studio®
has arrived. Will the old way of programming
survive?Click to find out:
www.msdn.microsoft.com/vstudio
--
It seems that the Visual Studio banner ad [doubleclick.net] was not a single occurence, but rather part of a prolonged advertising campaign by Microsoft on the VA sites.
Hopefully, this means that VA are running short of cash, need every dollar they could possibly get their greedy hands on and their end is nearer than I would have ever hoped. Hopefully, this will also mean that $lashdot won't be around much longer and the pimply-faced slashbots will finally use some real software [microsoft.com] instead of that open sores crap [kdevelop.org].
P.S. I liked this part in MS' ad the most: "Will the old way of programming survive?". LOL.
Troll 28 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Amos 4:11. The word translated "firebrand" is the Hebrew word "uwd," which comes from a Hebrew verb meaning "to rake together" (or, "to gather together"). In short, the Hebrew word "uwd" is talking about burning sticks of wood that are gathered together. That is what the English word "faggot" means. Amos 4:11 could just as easily be translated "...ye were as a faggot plucked out of the burning..."
For those geniuses out there who are asking, "are you saying that God hates burning pieces of wood?", the answer is "no, we're using it as a figure of speech, just like the Bible uses it." It is an excellent metaphor to describe sodomites because they fuel God's wrath, they burn in lust, and they will burn in hell. In Amos 4:11, the "fag" is the person who is sinning after the manner of Sodom and Gomorrah, has seen other "fags" overthrown by God, and still refuses to repent. So, the word "fag" refers to people who sin like the Sodomites did. It not only refers to homosexuals, but also refers to people who support homosexuals (see Romans 1:32), and people who engage in all other relatively "lesser" perversions (like impenitent premarital sex and adultery, including the adultery of all of you divorced-and-remarried "born again Christians").
For those of you who have deluded yourselves into thinking that the story of Sodom isn't really talking about homosexuals, read the following: the people of Sodom and Gomorrah had completely turned away from God, and whenever that happens, homosexuality abounds. Paul described this in Romans 1, and you can read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 19. Conditions in Sodom were so bad that it had become acceptable for men to surround Lot's house and ask to have sex with the men inside. Anybody who thinks that today is any different than those days needs to attend San Francisco's annual gay rights parade, stand along the parade route, and hold a sign that says "GOD HATES FAGS." You'll see and hear evidence of all of the sins of Sodom in just a few short hours (sodomy, violence, fornication, adultery, pride, sinful treatment of the servants of God, etc.) The same mob mentality that ruled the unlawful fags in the days of Sodom rules the unlawful fags today.
Troll 27 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library .
The KDE project is famous for its funded and organised trolling of weblogs and message board associated with Linux and Free software/open source. Outrageous newbie impressing claims are made for the software and huge quanities of FUD are spread to destroy competitors. If this sounds familiar, then you are correct, most of these tactics were lifted straight from Microsoft's arsenal of dirty tricks. The Windows look and feel isnot the only thing the KDE project has copied! In this short article I will address some of the lies andFUD spread by the KDE trolling teams. It is my hope that this, in some small way, will redress the balance and re-introduce two things almost eradicated by the KDE project: Honesty and facts.
The oft-heard cry of the noisiest KDE advocates. No explanation is given, the reader is expected to simply grok the wholesomeness of KDE and the lack of this mystical quality in GNOME. It is nonsense of course. Neither desktop is particularly "integrated" compared to Windows XP, and certainly not compared any version of the Apple Mac. Whatever "integrated" actually means.
Again, such nebulous arguments are never explained, and the reader is expected to simply understand the truth of the zealots statement. Both KDE and GNOME have user-interface irritations (all systems do), but "ease of use" is not a simple thing to measure. KDE has never been subjected to detailed user testing, unlike GNOME [gnome.org], and the claims of user-friendliness are from crazed supporters and not average users. Furthermore, the KDE faithful rarely look beyond simple-minded copying of Windows, and forget that administering a desktop system is just as important as having widgets in the correct place on the toolbar. For example: What about application installation and removal? GNOME has the excellent RedCarpet by Ximian [ximian.com], which makes the installation, removal and updating of applications trivial. KDE users are expected to fend for themselves with brutal command line driven systems. GNOME also has the excellent Ximian setup tools to handle various tricky cross-platform and potentially risky system configuration operations. KDE offers none of this, only a few small half-assed Linux-only tools, which make no attempt at check-pointing to return to known working configurations.
In what sense? Arguably more people use KDE, but it is a close run thing. Most KDE zealots use the results of online polls as proof of their superior userbase - which is, quite frankly, complete and utter nonsense.Online polls are the joke of the century; it doesn't even require a motivated script kiddie to render then worthless. A single post alerting the faithful on a zealot-ridden site can skew the result so much it makes American presidential elections look fair and well organised. Popularity is also difficult to measure when *both* GNOME and KDE are frequently installed on the same system. The systems can co-exist and even run atthe same time, except for certain applications such as panels. Many KDE users actually run GNOME applications for their superior features and stability, not realising that by doing so they are barely running KDE atall.
One of the few solid measures of popularity is commercial use of a desktop, and here, GNOME is far ahead with both Hewlett Packard and Sun committing to using GNOME as the desktop for their Unix systems. This also ties in with the previously mentioned ease of use. Sun's major contribution to the GNOME project is in the areas of user/developer documentation, testing, accessiblity and user-testing. Three of the less glamourous parts of desktop development. The arrival of the GNOME 2.x series will see these contributions reach fruitition and allow GNOME to make a quantum leap ahead of KDE in most of the basic computer/user issues.
Oh for a penny every time this lie is told in any KDE story! Konqueror not a bad piece of software. It's authors deserve praise for the work done on it. However, the sheer amount of orgasmic gushing by the KDE faithful is completely out of proportion to its actual quality. It is quite unreliable and evensimple standards compliant pages can crash it quite comprehensively. It is also lax in its support of basic web standards compared to either Mozilla or Opera. It is also extremely slow - much slower than the latest incarnations of the GNOME Nautilus filemanager/browser (a target of much KDE FUD during its development).
See also: Qt/TrollTech. This is the most common wail heard by KDE developers, and yet it is easily disproved by looking at the actual applications for GNOME/GTK and KDE/Qt. KDE applications often have larger version numbers than GNOME ones... an old trick played by commerical software developers. Most KDE apps seem to jumpfor 1.x releases long before they are ready - KOffice being the best example. None of the components in Koffice are worthy of a 1.0 release, let alone 1.1 or 1.2.
GNOME applications get much more testing in their 0.x stages and despite shorter development phases theymature and reach stable featureful release states much more quickly. Some examples of this are: the superb Evolution (groupware/email), Gnumeric (spreadsheet), Pan (newsreader), The GIMP (image manipulation), Abiword (word processing), RedCarpet, X-Chat (IRC client), XMMS (media player), Galeon (web browser), and for developers: Glade and Anjuta. All of these packages ooze quality, and far outclass their KDE counterparts. It is nounderstatement to say that GNOME is at least 18 months ahead of KDE in applications, and pulling stillfurther ahead.
It's not only in the area of user applications that GNOME is vastly more advanced. With the forthcoming 2.x release, a number of impressive behind the scenes technologies will finally mature: component technology (bonobo), media (Gstreamer), internationalisation (pango). As a developement platform, GNOME 2.x is, conservatively, 2-3 years ahead of KDE. And what is more, because it is not tied to a lowest common denominator cross-platform bloat-fest like the Qt toolkit, the lead (as with applications) can only increase further.
It is also worth noting that GNOME also develops code for use outside the project (see the XML libraries as one example) - the KDE project rarely (if ever) engages in this kind of work. KDE developers ensure that all software must link with Qt, and hence tie it closely with the Qt toolkit preventing re-use and enhancing the value of TrollTech intellectual property.
Yet despite all this, we are still regularly fed the lie that Qt and C++ makes application and desktop development easier. Judge for yourself.
KDE is written in C++. While this is not necessarily a problem, it can be when Visual Basic reject programmers(which the KDE project is overrun with) do not know enough to avoid important pitfalls that plague C++ software projects. Stupid use of autoincrementing operators and iteration with C++ objects; and masses of unnecessary allocations and deallocations of memory are two of the most common. KDE suffers badly from both problems.
Perhaps the most cretinous of all problems is blaming the extremely slow startup times of KDE apps on GCC. The GNOME 1.x releases were hardly svelt (2.x fixes many of these issues), but GNOME is a fashion cat-walk superwaif when compared to KDE's 500lb fat-momma cheese-burger scoffing trailer trash. One need only look at the recent fuss over ugly KDE hacks (such as prelinking) used to bandage up the design and coding flaws in the decrepit KDEarchitecture to see the truth.
Fundamental misunderstanding. The KDE project releases as one big lump of code due to its use of C++ and the many problems this causes with libraries. The project bumps the version number of the entire KDE system for the smallest modifications. GNOME, on the other hand is componentized and each component releases on a (almost) separate schedule, bumping it's own version number but not the main GNOME version (1.4, for example). Occasional releases of the entire GNOME system happen, and that's when the GNOME version number is bumped (currently it is at 1.4). To see this in action, use RedCarpet and you will regular updates to GNOME components. GNOME development is not slower, it is in fact faster and more advanced. Lamers and newbies, however, fail to understand the advantages of this method and just see KDE 1.1.1 followed a few weeks later by KDE 1.1.2. Wow! KDE roolz.
The Qt toolkit (the software at the heart of KDE) is supposedly a cross-platform toolkit allowing the luckydeveloper the opportunity to write Windows/Linux/Mac software all at once. And yet, among the magicalmythical claims made, the most nonsensical is that it makes applications which take advantage of thedistinct features of the different platforms. This is of course, nonsense. Qt is a bloated, slow layerthat is slapped over a native system's APIs in an attempt to make all the systems look alike. It no moretakes advantage of Linux/Windows/Mac than Java does - in fact it offers many of the disadvantages of Java with few of the advantages. If you have ever wondered why the KDE desktop looks so much like Windows... youneed look no further than Qt. Qt is a lowest common denominator toolkit, and that LCD is Windows - Trolltech's,the creator of Qt, real market.
To Be Written. Ideas: Qt started out as non-Free. KDE developers knew this violated the GPL, didn't care, stoleothers' GPL code by porting it to link (in violation of the license) with Qt and are therefore untrustworthy. KDE core developers work for TrollTech. Expensive per developer licensing for writing closed-source with Qt, and hence KDE. Trolltech only moved towards the GPL because of the success of GNOME. Labyrinthine licensing nightmare (3 licenses todeal with). Gradual migration of features belonging in KDE into Qt (and so into TrollTech's IP portfolio), allowing easy porting of apps to the revenue generating Windows world (see TheKompany for a perfect example), thereby making KDE an irrelevant launcher of Qt applications. Claims made that Qt is GPL, while true, hide the real truth. There cannot be a real fork of Qt for the KDE project: Core developers work for Trolltech; any fork would need to be full GPL and hence ban any closed-source apps from KDE altogether (all KDE apps must link with Qt); Any commerical licensees of Qt (non-GPL) would and could only follow TrollTech. KDE is stitched up good and proper.
To be Written. Ideas: Mosfet liquid theme is an ugly and unstable hack. GNOME GTk icons are better thought-outand of a far higher quality than the poorly drawn and cartoonish and confusing KDE ones. Qt is basically a Windows-look on a Unix platform.
Troll 26 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library .
My program today discusses the ancient art of having a wank on a public transport vehicle (bus, train, boat - it doesnt matter)
You will need :
Just remember to give them the secret handshake - which is of course, a hand full of the results of your wank.
They will have a really good laugh about it and you will be the best of friends.
This has been a community service announcement to the fellow horny students of the world.Sorry to say this... but the only possible explanation is.. THE POLICE WHO ARRESTED YOU ARE ALIENS FROM MARS!!
Now dont be alarmed, its happened before. The fact that this highly instructive and foolproof method failed you and got you arrested, can only mean that they are not human police.
There is a way though! - Here is what you need to do...
Ring your local MP and say :
You can now relax, because the special "Anti Alien Task Force which stop honest citizens wanking on buses" will save you.Case closed!
Troll 25 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Troll 24 of 131 from the annals of the Troll Library .
I didnt write that.. but I DID add it to the troll library!
Burn, $lashdot, consumed by your own GREED!!!
I am the world first psychic troll
Aires, the other trolls are starting to tire of your self-delusional and selfish demeanor. You are not the one to lead the revolution. There is not even a revolution. In the coming days you should stray from your "blind and barbarous" charges into the frontlines of battle. Balance your self-aggrandizing trolls with humility or brotherhood. You blazed a trail through the e-wilderness but now you have blitzed your penis into a brick wall. Start looking for that balance with the universe and its inhabitants which you lack, lest you blindly and bluntly charge your erect manhood into ESRâ(TM)s sweaty, pulsing, and filthy anus. And you donâ(TM)t want to do that, do you?
Taurus
You provide foundation and structure to trolldom. If there be an Empire, then let its roots be your works. Yours is the first earthly manifestation of our combined and unified beauty, but now you have a choice. You can either lazily roam the fertile pastures and suck the sweet honey of victory, or you can help build Babel to the heavens. Beware, the former might lead to you sucking the semen from Tacoâ(TM)s cock, while the latter, although lifting you from your sacred footings and unnerving yourself, may prove to be the wisest choice.
Gemini
You have many talents. Your trolls can be beautifully written, exhibiting your natural communication talents. Your mind is quick and flighty. Have you ever realized the variety of your pieces? One night you might write a homosexual expose on Linux faggotry, while the next day it is a craftily written legitimate troll. Your dual nature puzzles most and maybe even yourself. Some might not even see it outright. De Broglie contends that all matter is a wave on some level. Are you a wave, wayward Gemini? Another example is that you are a troll but you revel in using open source programs. You hide yourself well. You are a whore in most ways. And as a whore you will never be fulfilled. You may have had your fun about a week ago, but now it is not your time. It will be a while before you pull yourself back together again. But stick around, the dregs take entertainment in your plights and facetious ways.
Cancer
Remember that time you once tried to troll? Remember when everyone laughed at your pitiful attempts? Remember how you withdrew immediately and started to masturbate wildly to Hentai? Remember how once you came the neurotransmitters immediately pulsed through your being and took you to a pleasant place? The lesson here is that you are a pussy-mama and have no trolling talents. Masturbation is not a talent, fool, and you will never have your love be accepted in trolldom, or the world for that matter.
Leo
You know those days when no one seems to be trolling? Well Leo, you are our light in those dark days. You carry the torch, albeit in a conceited and self-centered way, but nonetheless you keep the Path alive. The shadow has yet to hold us sway. Donâ(TM)t get to full off yourself, because while you can keep a warm castle for us, you canâ(TM)t build us an Empire. Know your limitations sir, and also take care not to trample over the visionaries that can take you to the Next Level.
Virgo
You trolling style reeks of prudishness. To spice your life, I recommend throwing in some good bathroom humor or homosexuality into your writings. Your endless crapflooding, although detailed and nonsensical, lacks something special. You are a machine, a practical worker for the cause. You can best manifest your greatness when you are working for someone else. You should find a good Gemini (yeah I know thatâ(TM)s an oxymoron), Libra, or Aquarius to give you inspiration and work. You need some mental stimulation right now. Actually, you could use any stimulation now, and for that, find a Libra.
Libra
Much like your cardinal counterpart Aires, you are a pioneer. But unlike Aires, your talent begins in the mind, inciting thousands of blood-thirsty trolls to rally to the cause. You lead is bond, and your bond is beauty. But did I mention youâ(TM)re a fake, arrogant bastard. Your superficial way canâ(TM)t last. Also, did you ever wonder why you rarely troll? Well, Iâ(TM)ll tell you. Youâ(TM)re an indecisive bastard. You start a story but then canâ(TM)t make up your mind over some unimportant detail. Becoming frustrated, you start jerking off to the homosexual undertones contained in your trolls. This is a mistake. Harness and channel your energy of creativity and destruction, and in the balancing of the two you might find success.
Scorpio
You are the true master of the art of covert trolling. Under the innocent guise of a harmless introvert lies a cold calculating killer brooding for the taste of blood and seminal fluids. You manipulate, scheme, lie, and sleep your way to the top. You could be a star in the sky, but you usually end up bound up in your own web of deceit. Sometimes you unconsciously look forward and plot this conclusion. In the depths of your sick twisted hell lies the key to transformation. The phoenix is birthed in the abyss, only to catch ablaze and fly soaring to the heavens. This probably wonâ(TM)t happen to you though.
Sagittarius
You have the ability to show us "The True Path", but you would rather drink yourself to oblivion with a bunch of forest nymphs. Honestly, who here wouldnâ(TM)t do that? I have a desire to party with the forest nymphs tonight. Sag, let us hang out, drink much stout and wine, and fornicate with some nymphs. Fuck trolling, my carnal nature calls.
Capricorn
Always trying, always failing, always overcoming. Are you part of the allied forces, or do you contribute to the vile structure that threatens us all? Nobody recognizes your struggles because you manage to write in an earthy and uninspired monotone. What does this mean? Well, I donâ(TM)t know exactly what it means but I do know that youâ(TM)re a homosexual.
Aquarius
We all have problems, but you, Aquarius, have problems that affect us all. You fancy yourself a leader. Why? We never asked for you to bare the water to our thirsty lips. We never asked you to refine the Troll Empire into your own sick sadistic world. Once outcasted among "proper" trolls, some sick spirit from within told you, "If you build it, they will cum." Fuck those talentless bastards. The structure is now built, and the talents are ready to be poured. It is your duty to pour your metaphorical homosexual semen all over trolldom, and the world. Do not falter, for the revolution looms, and the sun will rise yet.
Pisces
Oh, what an old soul you must be. In some ways you are the flowing talent that Aquarius bares. This is doubtful though, as your inner water is probably stagnant and swarming with mosquitoes. You embody the best of the of the Zodiac. Donâ(TM)t get to full of yourself, because you also embody the worst. That is the key to your constant failures. You should get very angry right now and create a storm with the raging sewage inside of you. Pound trolldom from the heavens with your bile, and then cry. You may feel that no one understands you, and hell, youâ(TM)re probably right. That doesnâ(TM)t matter now, because the world needs your "talents" right now.
Troll 23 of 115 from the annals of the Troll Library .
It only happens when you are an A/C so I upgraded it to send the cookie with the user ID, and that should get me back up near the FP area.
4 solid mintues of fucking 404 errors every 5 seconds trying to post the fucking troll!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH $LASHDOT!?
I wouldnt pay for this shit and neither would anyone with half a brain.
GETTING YOUR MONEYS WORTH???
Linux is not an American product. It is not made in America. Linux developers are a bunch of loose-knit leftists from all over the globe, acting out of the interest of "global cooperation." Does this sound familiar? It ought to. The United Nations is an organization that operates (ostensibly) under similar principles, but has a far more sinister goal, which is the establishment of a One World Government that consumes and renders irrelevant the superior culture of the United States of America.
Would you allow a blue-bereted, black-helicoptered, jack-booted thug into your own home? If not, then why on Earth would you even consider installing Linux? For mere pennies a day you can run a moral operating system. I realize that Linux is big among the UN-loving liberals, but isn't most of $lashdot's readership libertarian/Republican? It seems to me that this is a fundamental contradiction, and that a lot of people need to start re-evaluating their priorities.
Thank you.
Troll 22 of 114 from the annals of the Troll Library .
What is the Troll Library?
The Troll Library is a database of the best and brightest trolls of $lashdot history. The database is SQL 2000 and is managed by Microsoft C# using .NET technology.
How can the Troll Library be accessed?
The Troll Library is not yet available online, but it will eventually be made publicly available in the form of a .NET web service-- That means that you will be able to browse the library and submit your additions with your web browser (yes, even an inferior piece of shit like Mozilla, since Microsoft for some reason chose to include "down-level" compatibility with their web services in .NET).
What's the ultimate goal of the Troll Library?
To crapflood $lashdot into oblivion using Microsoft technologies.
What does the $lashdot community think about this?
Using Microsoft .NET to annihilate $lashdot really pisses off the $lashdot community, which is hilarous.
Do you sit around and read $lashdot all day?
Of course not. The client troll poster bot automatically detects a new story on $lashdot, selects a post from the Troll Library database, and submits it to $lashdot. The client is written purely in C# using Windows Forms in .NET. It would be impossible for $lashdot server to detect the presence of the bot, except for the "Dirty Linux Users:Are Hippies" header.
What if they crack down?
If the 'editors' (I use the term loosely) were to ban the RoboTroll or Troll Library posts, the posting client would have to become open source and avialable to everyone. The irony and humor is very rich indeed.
How can I help?
The single biggest need is a .NET server with the bandwidth capable of being $lashdotted. Please make your plans and prepare accordingly; when the time comes, we want you to be ready. What you will receive is nothing more than a .ZIP file to unzip to your inetpub\wwwroot folder.
If you are running Apache or some other open source derivative piece of shit, I can only laugh at your sad ability to serve up plain ol' HTML. You sad and pathetic, and I fear for your future career-- or lack thereof. HAHAH!!!
Thanks!!
No - Thank you, the honorable and noble Trolls of $lashdot, we all know that WE are the lifeblood of $lashdot itself, and it would wither and die without US .
Do not attempt to email me (email is bullshit of course) or otherwise, just reply to this post; replies are automatically indexed and delivered to me.
Troll 15 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece.
Massaging my nutsack she....
WAIT, I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass. [goatse.cx]
"OH BIG ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion, deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"
"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!"
I DO IT WRONG!!!!
I continue to hump her alabaster form. Glistening with beads of sweat, she bites her lip in delight as I tear her ass open with my engorged dick.
"Queen Amidala!!" I shreik as I near climax.
She looks up at me and screams, "You are so alive in me, unlike *BSD or VA Software!!! Fill me with seed!! Yes, Yes, Yess!!!!"
"For me you are calling, hhhmmm?"
"YODA?!? What the fuck, can't you see I am using the force here?"
He savagely kicks my Natalie aside, he pulls out his large green penis and impales me...
I DO IT WRONG!!
All your sporkz are belong to the dead homiez!!
Troll 14 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Troll 13 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library .
5 Please Explain posted on Wednesday February 13, @11:42AM (Score:-1)
attached to
Do you notice what is wrong? What is the comment attached to? (HINT: It should be the Meta $lashdot Discussion) Now try viewing the comment, it's not there...Where is it? Email CmdrTacoand ask him to query for CID 3000553 on his database.
By the way, I'll try not to post with this account for a few days so that this comment stays on my comments list so that I have proof that I am telling the truth. Look at my comments
UPDATE: Here is a copy of an email from our good buddy Rob Malda:
From :
"Rob \"CmdrTaco\" Malda"
To :
"jajhj oiusd" , krow@$lashdot.org
Subject
Re: Please Explain
Date :
Fri, 15 Feb 2002 10:31:30 -0500
Looks like a bug to me.
On Friday 15 February 2002 10:14 am, you wrote:
> I posted a comment to the meta slash discussion on 2/13 at 11:42AM and the
> comment and the discussion are now gone. Why is that? Was there something
> in the discussion that needed to be deleted?
>
> I know that if there is no activity in a discussion for like 2 weeks then
> it will be deleted. But there was activity with in the past 2 days. What
> gives? here is a link to the comment I submitted
>
> http://$lashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=26638&cid=300
UPDATE: Shortly after posting this journal entry, I was banned.
Troll 12 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library .
The site ask.$lashdot.org is running Microsoft-IIS/5.0 on Windows 2000.
... same with $lashdot.org, apple.$lashdot.org, yro.$lashdot.org, tacosnot.$lashdot.org, and jonkatzcatholicpriest.$lashdot.org. CmdrTaco and company have SOLD THEIR SOULS to the EVIL EMPIRE!! MICROSOFT HAS WON!! It is entirely likely that they have been bought by Mr. Gates and company. This end result was predicted here [$lashdot.org].
Propz to all crapflooders........
Troll 11 of 110 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Thats a good idea.
We are plesed to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have accepted your troll into the Troll Library.
You show a masterful skill at trolling.
Thank you for your time and your contribution.
Thanks for the tips, I will take care of it.
Troll 10 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
-F
Troll 9 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
It is just now that I have realized what I was really tuning into each and every Saturday morning was in actuality Socialist Propaganda!! Yes that is correct, Papa Smurf and all of his little Smurf minions are not the happy little characters Hanna Barbara would have us believe! The cartoon was really created by the Russian government in order to indoctrinate the youngest members of western society with Socialist beliefs and ideals thus destroying their resistance to the imminent Russian invasion that was to occur when this generation (my generation) grew up.
To prove my point I submit that 1.) They live in a communal village and are discouraged to leave the village without the company of their fellow Smurfs. 2.) Every Smurf has his own specific job and does not deviate from that job. The job even becomes part of their personality and their name (Brainy Smurf, Handy Smurf, etc.) 3.) If ever a Smurf decides to strike out on his own he is cast into danger in some way of another and it is up to the collective to save him. 4.) Papa Smurf looks an awful lot like Karl Marx plus, he wears all that red.
And let us not forget Smurfette, the lone female Smurf and the embodiment of community property.
In the face of such convincing evidence, it is easy to mark the Smurfs as the Socialists they are, and their nemeses Gargamel (and his maladjusted cat Azrael, a not so subtle attack on ISRAEL) is the personification of Capitalism; out for himself and profit trying to destroy the peaceful commune of Smurfs.
Thankfully our resistance was not destroyed, thanks to the determination of other cartoons such as G.I. Joe and Richie Rich who's goal it was to instill in the children of the western world the morals and values of Capitalism.
Troll 8 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .