Yet another crippling bombshell hit the beleaguered The Customer is Always Wrong community when last month IDC confirmed that The Customer is Always Wrong accounts for less than a fraction of 1 percent of all servers. Coming on the heels of the latest Netcraft survey which plainly states that The Customer is Always Wrong has lost more market share, this news serves to reinforce what we've known all along. The Customer is Always Wrong is collapsing in complete disarray, as further exemplified by failing dead last [sysadminmag.com] in th recent Sys Admin comprehensive networking test.
You don't need to be a Kreskin [amdest.com] to predict The Customer is Always Wrong's future. The hand writing is on the wall: The Customer is Always Wrong faces a bleak future. In fact there won't be any future at all for The Customer is Always Wrong because The Customer is Always Wrong is dying. Things are looking very bad for The Customer is Always Wrong. As many of us are already aware, The Customer is Always Wrong continues to lose market share. Red ink flows like a river of blood. FreeBSD is the most endangered of them all.
Let's keep to the facts and look at the numbers.
The Customer is Always Wrong leader Theo states that there are 7000 users of The Customer is Always Wrong. How many users of The Customer is Always Wrong are there? Let's see. The number of The Customer is Always Wrong versus NetBSD posts on Usenet is roughly in ratio of 5 to 1. Therefore there are about 7000/5 = 1400 The Customer is Always Wrong users. BSD/OS posts on Usenet are about half of the volume of The Customer is Always Wrong posts. Therefore there are about 700 users of BSD/OS. A recent article put The Customer is Always Wrong at about 80 percent of the The Customer is Always Wrong market. Therefore there are (7000+1400+700)*4 = 36400 The Customer is Always Wrong users. This is consistent with the number of The Customer is Always Wrong Usenet posts.
Due to the troubles of Walnut Creek, abysmal sales and so on, The Customer is Always Wrong went out of business and was taken over by The Customer is Always Wrong who sell another troubled OS. Now The Customer is Always Wrong is also dead, its corpse turned over to yet another charnel house.
All major surveys show that The Customer is Always Wrong has steadily declined in market share. The Customer is Always Wrong is very sick and its long term survival prospects are very dim. If The Customer is Always Wrong is to survive at all it will be among OS hobbyist dabblers. The Customer is Always Wrong continues to decay. Nothing short of a miracle could save it at this point in time. For all practical purposes, The Customer is Always Wrong is dead.
The Customer is Always Wrong is dying
Troll 7 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
I just heard some sad news on talk radio - Horror/Sci Fi writer Stephen King was found dead in his Maine home this morning. There weren't any more details. I'm sure everyone in the $lashdot community will miss him - even if you didn't enjoy his work, there's no denying his contributions to popular culture. Truly an American icon.
He will be missed:(
Troll 6 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Yet another crippling bombshell hit the beleaguered Dirty GNU Hippie community when last month IDC confirmed that Rancid Smelling GNU Hippies account for less than a fraction of 1 percent of all humans. Coming on the heels of the latest Netcraft survey which plainly states that Natty haired greasy GNU Hippie have lost more market share, this news serves to reinforce what we've known all along. Reeking Linux Hippies are collapsing in complete disarray, as further exemplified by failing dead last [sysadminmag.com] in the recent Sys Admin comprehensive/usr/bin/sh test.
You don't need to be a Kreskin [amdest.com] to predict the future of the Stinking sweaty Linux hippie. The hand writing is on the wall: Foul-stenched GNU hippies with swampy armpits face a bleak future. In fact there won't be any future at all for them because they are dying. Things are looking very bad for Hairy-backed GNU hippie. As many of us are already aware, they continue to lose market share. Red ink flows like a river of blood.
Let's keep to the facts and look at the numbers.
Troll leader Anonymouse Coward states that there are 7000 goatse.cx trolls. How many ascii art trolls are there? Let's see. The number of goatse.cx versus ascii art posts on Usenet is roughly in ratio of 5 to 1. Therefore there are about 7000/5 = 1400 ascii art trolls. Pimply-faced GNU hippies posts on $lashdot are about half of the volume of ascii art posts. Therefore there are about 700 Cock-Gobbling GNU Hippies. A recent article put "first post" at about 80 percent of the troll market. Therefore there are (7000+1400+700)*4 = 36400 "first post" trolls. This is consistent with the number of first posts.
All major surveys show that Putrid smelling greasy GNU hippies have steadily declined in market share. $lashdot is very sick and its long term survival prospects are very dim. If Grubby Smelly Linux Hippies are to survive at all it will be among troll hobbyist dabblers. $lashdot continues to decay. Nothing short of a miracle could save it at this point in time. For all practical purposes, Dirty GNU Hippies are dead.
Troll 5 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Let us assume the fact that posts are showing up in reverse order is simply another bug resulting from shoddy half-ass open sores programming, and NOT INTENTIONAL. This is what happens when dirty GNU hippies smoke too much weed before coding.
Drain your swampy armpits, wash off your rancid body odor and fix the bug dammit!! But please - for Gods sake, TAKE A SHOWER!
Troll 3 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Return Of Q&A with Heinous Turdballs!
on
Java RMI
·
· Score: -1
The Quake III Arena 1.31 patch has been released. The release notes include the following:
Linux only: fixed sound crash, going around memset bug in glibc i586/i686
Wondering how a bug could exist in such a fundamental basic function such as memset, we contacted Heinous Turdballs of Linux fame, and he was kind enough to give a few minutes of his time.
Q: Thanks for your time in answering some questions for us
A: No problem. As you know, I am umemployed and have no life, which is of course how I got involved in Linux in the first place.
Q: OK, Mr. Turdballs. By the way, do you mind if I call you 'Dirty GNU Hippie'?
A: I would rather you didn't. I prefer the term 'Dirty Linux Hippie'. As you know, my ratty and nasty hairdo, my rancid steaming armpits and my putrid stench of body odor makes me qualified, I think.
Q: I quite agree. Can you tell us about the memset bug?
A: Sure. We dont really know who is responsible for the bug. We don't know who is making changes, why they make them, or when.
Q: Hmm.. sounds chaotic!
A: It sure is. But Linux is free!!! We are dirty smelly GNU hippies with natty greasy long hair, enjoying the FREE LOVE of GNU software!
Q: Come to think of it, Linux sure does crash alot.
A: Yeah, but that will be fixed in the service pack - er, I mean kernel release. We also have support for some new device drivers that came out 2 years ago. You just have to recompile your kernel with the correct command line switches, after configuring your make file and making the correct edits to/etc/fstab. By the way, if you screw that up, you are really fucked.
Q: Sounds good. So, how do you organize who is working on Linux?
A: Mostly we don't. We pretty much let anyone have at it with the code base. We figure at some point, someone who actually knows something about operating systems will do some work on it. It has to happen eventually, its like a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters. Literally.
Q: That's great. What normally happens?
A: Normally someone comes in and fucks everything up completely, but we don't know who they are because we never actually talk to anyone who is making changes to the code. We assume that if you are capable of signing up for a Hotmail account, you must be pretty good at computers and you should be a tech lead in a major open sores project.
Q: Open sores?
A: Yes, I am sure you have heard of it. Its free, therefore its good. Check out sourceforge.net, where bad project ideas go to a quiet and lonely death when the developers realize that 12 year old kids should not be SQA leads when they are constantly getting atomic wedgies because they wear shirts saying "Put Linux Anywhere".
Q: OK, Back to the topic. Whats a typical day in the life of a Linux developer?
A: Usually his mom wakes him up in time to catch the school bus, like 8:00. We encourage this because we want the developers to be well edumacted.
By the time he gets home at 2:00 (the Linux enthusiast does not participate in socalled "extra cirricular" activities, or worry about being "well rounded" and does not have a "social identity" or "play well with others") he has been beaten up a few times for wearing a "I GNU SPOCK" tshirt.
Then, to take out his frustration, he hammers away at the keyboard for a few hours. If the resultant code compiles, he will go ahead and check it in. Then mommy tucks him in for the night.
Q: Interesting. So who will be in charge of resolving the memset bug?
A: We have a nice prospect in mind. He has a strong background in manual labor and performing menial tasks. I'm not sure what his name is but he has a hotmail account, dAsUpAhZillAZ99@hotmail.com.
Q: Sounds great. I'm looking forward to it!
A: Just keep reading $lashdot, where are the pimply nerds congregate. You may get assaulted by some homosexual linux zealots, but you will learn to like it.
Q: Sounds like fun!
A: Also hang out at sourceforge.net, where bad project ideas go to a quiet and lonely death among the other dirty GNU hippie projects.
Q: Thanks for your time!
A: Tell commander tuna taco I said I will pay in full after I get a real job. Then I will be back for another taco-snotting.
Troll 2 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
I just heard the sad news on BBC radio. Web entreprenuer/pioneer goatse.cx guy was found dead in his home this morning. Even if you never admired his work, you can appreciate what he did for the 'last frontier' of the internet.
Reports are that he died from complications resulting from \"Email And Cell Phone In One From RIM\". Truly a internet icon. He will be missed:(
Troll 1 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
PROPZ TO ALL TROLLZ who submitted content for the Troll Library:
Anonymous Coward Alan_Thicke Carp Flounderson Commienst Dead Penis Bird kiwipeso GoatTroll Ivy League Troll Klerck LunchLady Mayor McPenisman Metrollica Mighty-Troll Mode0x13 propstoalldeadhomiez Real World Stuff Roto-Rooter Man senior_troll Serial Troller trollercoaster The_Fire_Horse
Troll 108 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
PROPZ TO ALL TROLLZ who submitted content for the Troll Library:
Anonymous Coward Alan_Thicke Carp Flounderson Commienst Dead Penis Bird kiwipeso GoatTroll Ivy League Troll Klerck LunchLady Mayor McPenisman Metrollica Mighty-Troll Mode0x13 propstoalldeadhomiez Real World Stuff Roto-Rooter Man senior_troll Serial Troller trollercoaster
Troll 108 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
PROPZ TO ALL TROLLZ who submitted content for the Troll Library:
Anonymous Coward Alan_Thicke Carp Flounderson Commienst Dead Penis Bird kiwipeso GoatTroll Ivy League Troll Klerck LunchLady Mayor McPenisman Metrollica Mighty-Troll Mode0x13 propstoalldeadhomiez Real World Stuff Roto-Rooter Man senior_troll Serial Troller trollercoaster
Troll 108 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Sep 21, 1998 23:10 from Nicole Mannino on the bash shell, how do i get irc to work under window? i tried -d'ing it,but that didn't work like it said it would.:( [Unix And Networking> msg #100312 (17 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:28 from Ritcshie Is the problem that Irc(II?) doesn't understand your (X-)term type? [Unix And Networking> msg #100313 (16 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:29 from Nicole Mannino well, without the -d it irc can;t display on window, but it works with it,except that it's kinda fucked up. not like lynx is fucked up on window, butstill not good [Unix And Networking> msg #100314 (15 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:36 from Nicole Mannino oh yeah, i'm using osf1, if that helps. [Unix And Networking> msg #100315 (14 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:37 from Timothy McVeighnicole> that's just an example of hwat an inferior os osf1 is. bust out the openBSD,they got a port for you, and window will work fine. [Unix And Networking> msg #100316 (3 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:39 from Ritcshie Perhaps installing a new operating system isn't an option. [Unix And Networking> msg #100317 (2 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:43 from Timothy McVeigh perhaps the fact that she chose a retard os over an 3l33t one like openBSD (askcisco) say that inctalling a new os isn't an option cause she's too dumb. [Unix And Networking> msg #100318 (1 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:45 from ImperialTimothy McVeigh> Your posts are making no fucking sense at all. How could she install anew OS on a machine that isn't hers?[Unix And Networking> msg #100319 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:47 from Timothy McVeighimperial> uh, it is her machine.[Unix And Networking> msg #100320 (1 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:50 from Ritcshie Oh, Christ. Can't you just _shut up_ about which goddamn unix OS is moregoddamn 3l33t than another? What's important is that it ain't M$. Beyondthat, why not try being _helpful_, instead of an _asshole_? [Unix And Networking> msg #100321 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:53 from Timothy McVeighi AM being helpful, the world wouldn't be such a horrible place to live in ifwe opened peoples eyes to the light of openBSD. try reading nfo, and you'dsee what i mean, this forum is for the advocacy and upholding of openbsd ONLY. it's th3 k-r4dd3st 0S in the w0rld. and i don't know how you and imperial canbe in love with nicole when she doesn't run openBSD, simple as that.[Unix And Networking> msg #100322 (1 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 21, 1998 23:56 from Dreamslayer (Forum Moderator)Enough. Stop it already. Please note the 'no flame' rule in the nfo.[Unix And Networking> msg #100323 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:08 from Nicole Mannino www.pitt.edu/~nimst3/sajkfksd.jpg is what i'm talking about when i say window.. [Unix And Networking> msg #100324 (5 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:12 from Timothy McVeigh www.openbsd.org is what i'm talking about when i say get a real VB c0d3rz OS.[Unix And Networking> msg #100325 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:15 from Automata people: timothy mcveigh and friends are just trolling. please give it up andignore them. this very message is enough to give satisfaction to their anticsand self-validation. but please, avoid temptation and let's try and keep thediscussion meaningful and helpful. [Unix And Networking> msg #100326 (1 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:18 from Timothy McVeigh automata: hush. just because you weren't elite enough to get on the b33tl3_bsdmailing list because you turned down the test drive doesn't mean you have totake your anger out on good people like me and dustin. [Unix And Networking> msg #100327 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:26 from Zaphod Beeblebrox Alright, this is just a quickie, and hopefully I won't be bashed for runningLinux instead of the 33l33t BSD, but here goes: I'm trying to install the enlightenment window manager (RedHat 4.2, 2.0.30kernel), and I can't get the ImageMagick package installed. Here's the gccline it's puking on: gcc -g -02 -o combine combine.o magick/.libs/libmagick.a -L/usr/local/lib -lX11-lm -L/usr/local/lib -lX11 -lm ... and here's the error: ld: cannot open -lX11: No such file or directory Obviously I'm no gcc expert, but just looking at the man page seems to tell methat the command line is okay. Ideas? [Unix And Networking> msg #100328 (1 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:31 from Timothy McVeigh well, you know the obvious answer, the choice of VB c0d3rz round the world.or you could downgrade your kernel, it won't work with the 2.x.xx kernels.[Unix And Networking> msg #100329 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:38 from SexyFetusI'd just like to say that Nicole Mannino is one hot peice of ass![Unix And Networking> msg #100330 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:38 from KawasakiI take a 6 mos hiatas (spl) from the room, and I come back and we got 3l33t\/\/annabe mofos running around thinking they are god? Cmon.... Assholes> isdonw the hall, and on another BBS. Knock it off and post something useful.I dont care how elite you think you are - youre being an asshole. Now...any chance someone with NS3.2 or 3.3 could compile something for me?Its not that large... thanks:)[Unix And Networking> msg #100331 (1 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:41 from Timothy McVeighlook, i am 3l33t.lump it or leave it.[Unix And Networking> msg #100332 (0 remaining)] Read cmd -> Sep 22, 1998 00:42 from KawasakiYer a dumbshit, and you arent contributing a hill of beans to the room.[Unix And Networking> msg #100333 (2 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Troll 93 of 99 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Eating a woman's pussy is about the most wonderful thing you can do for her. It makes her feel loved, admired, sexy, and of course it makes her cum like crazy. Many women prefer it to intercourse, and for most, it is the easiest way to cum with a man. You may have the littlest dick on the planet, but if you give great head, you will be appreciated as a fabulous lover. Yes, it's that important. Besides, lots of women expect it these days - you might as well know what you're doing.
First off, guys seem to have a strange love/hate relationship with women's genitalia. Guys that can't wait to get their dick into one are often reluctant to put their face "down there". For every guy who says he loves to eat pussy, there's another one who's squeamish. Women know this, and it affects their ability to lay back and enjoy the experience. There is nothing more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious. Don't be coy; tell her. When a guy fingers a lady and then smells, licks, sucks the juice off his finger and sighs as if in heaven, she knows this is her lucky day.
What if your sweet lady doesn't smell or taste very sweet? Don't suffer. (Don't complain, either.) Take a nice hot shower or bath together. Lather up both of your bodies and slide them together. It's like a whole body fuck. Soap up her vulva, washing between her outer and inner lips. Spread her lips apart and gently wash her clitoris. Hey, don't stop - this feels great! Run your soapy hand down the crack of her ass, and rub a finger all around her anus. You can stick one finger in and wash around inside too, if you anticipate any anal play, and I suggest you do. But don't put those soapy fingers up her vagina. Instead, rinse them off well and stick one or two inside, making a circular motion. Think about washing the inside of a tall glass - same thing. Now wasn't that fun? And now you can feel free to let your tongue wander anywhere it pleases...
So now what? You've found a comfy spot to play, you've been kissing passionately, your tongues darting around each other's mouths like playful otters. You've moved down to nibble one of her hardening nipples and she's starting to groan, grinding her pelvis against your stomach. STOP. I know it was just starting to get good. But was she really groaning and humping you, or was it your own excitement you were detecting? I strongly prefer to be excited before a guy starts plunging his tongue into my inner recesses. Use your judgement, and kiss, lick, and fondle your way down her stomach, up her thighs, until she's arching up her back trying to get you to eat her. Of course, if she really was groaning and grinding, go for it... I also don't particularly enjoy a guy endlessly nibbling my inner thigh while my clit is quivering in anticipation.
POSITIONS
If the woman you are with is somewhat hesitant about your going down on her, start off with her lying on her back, perhaps half-sitting. Lay down between her legs, with her legs over your shoulders. She may enjoy laying or sitting at the edge of the bed with you kneeling. She can also straddle your face, but be prepared to get very wet. There are endless varieties of positions where you can press your face up to her cunt, some of which strike me as more acrobatic than erotic, but feel free to experiment. And then there's 69...
69 is one of my favorite positions. On the plus side, you both get to enjoy the sublime sensations of getting head, simultaneously. The upside down positioning of a woman's pussy and your mouth is an easy fit and there's more room for your hands. On the negative side, it's a less than ideal position for a woman to give head. Plus, if you need to read this article, you may be better off concentrating your energies on pleasing her, without too much distraction. But even for experienced 69'ers, it's easy to short-change your partner. "It feels soooo good, I'm just gonna stop for a second and concentrate on what you're...aaaarrrgghhh". Get the picture? Some show of will-power is in order.
69 can be done male on top, female on top, or side by side. The latter two are easier, though it's more restful with both partners laying down. Some women love being licked on all fours, so if female-on-top 69 drives her wild, take the hint and find some other ways to eat her in this position. I happen to enjoy male on top, but for many women this is a sure choking position. If a woman can, or wants to try, to deep throat you, this is THE position. When her head is thrust back you can really slide your cock all the way down her throat. But don't forget what you're supposed to be doing!
So there you are staring at it - the mysterious hole from whence you came, and into which you hope to cum again... First, an anatomy lesson...
THE CLITORIS
Before I go any further, a few words about the clitoris, accent on the first syllable. Most of you know it, but for those who don't, it is THE woman's sex organ, period. It may feel great to be fucked vaginally, anally or otherwise, but if the stimulation is not right there, on the clitoris, you're ignoring the place that's going to make her cum, and presumably that's why you're reading this, right? It's right there at the top juncture of her inner lips, a small knob of pink flesh. This is where it's at boys, and don't forget it. Almost any licking and sucking of the labia or vaginal entrance is going to feel just dandy; just remember that this is pleasurable teasing, not the main event. I can't tell you how many guys have thrust their tongues up my vagina thinking that this was going to make me cum. They were wrong. Of course, with a little manual stimulation....but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Women feel differently about how much direct stimulation they can take on their clitoris. Some women will adore it if you suck hard on their exposed clits, others will shriek in pain. You may encounter a woman who is completely unable to take direct stimulation of her clit; the goal is still the same, but you'll have to stimulate it indirectly, such as through her labia. IMPORTANT NOTE: Often, what is unacceptably rough at first may be fine after she's very excited. The fact is, most women really need a good bit of stimulation before a targeted attack on their clitoris, but once they're there, that's where you want to devote your attention.
The key here is go slow, ask questions, and if she's comfortable with it, leave the lights on and really explore. Body language often does tell what feels best, but I promise, she will appreciate your attentiveness if you ask outright. If she seems shy, get her to guide your hands and mouth with her own hand, and pay attention. If she starts bucking up against your mouth and gasping in ragged little breaths, for God's sake, don't use this opportunity to try something different. Just keep doing exactly what you're doing.
THE TONGUE
I want to reiterate, there is almost nothing you can do that won't feel terrific, so relax! I promise, you may be confused and uncertain, but she's in heaven. Any licking and sucking of the labia, vaginal entrance, clitoris, or anal area is going to feel just great, and I'd no sooner tell guys to "do it exactly like this" than I would tell every chef to follow the same recipe. But for those who are compelled to RTFM, here are a few techniques that you might like to try:
Try lapping her pussy from vaginal entrance up to her clit, leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed. This is a good way to start your tonguing. Run your tongue between the inner and outer labia on one side, while holding the two together with your lips. Good job, now do the other side. Fuck her pussy with your tongue - in and out, around and around, etc. This feels nice. Not wonderful or incredible or earth-shaking; nice. Spread her outer lips with your hand. Then, with your tongue pointed and stiff, gently flick here and there. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit. This drives some women wild, and others can't take it. Some may prefer that you always leave your tongue soft, so when you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstacy or pain. The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e. she's no longer coherent). These are very intense actions which may be "too much" for some women, even when nearing orgasm.
With her clit still exposed, give it a quick little suck - pulling it into your mouth briefly and letting it go. This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky. This feels incredible, and is a fine thing to do if you feel like torturing her (see PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER below). Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently (at first, anyway) suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. This can be done very lightly or very aggressively, and combined with fingering, will usually rapidly produce an intense orgasm. Another choice technique involves rolling your tongue into a tube. If you can't do this with your tongue, you can't learn it - it's genetic. For those who can, this works best in an inverted or 69 position. Roll your tongue into a tube around the shaft of her clitoris. Slide it up and down; in effect, your tongue makes a tiny pussy for her clit to fuck. This also is likely to bring her over the edge. FINGERS Fingers are a valuable adjunct to eating pussy. Most women masturbate by pressing a finger or fingers over their clit, possibly "thru" the skin of their inner or outer lips, and vigorously rubbing in a circular or back-and-forth direction. You can do this too, and it is most helpful to ask, or better yet, have her show you how she likes it done. You will never be a good lover until you can bring your woman to climax with your hands. When you fuck her from behind, or up her ass, or really in any position which doesn't allow her to simultaneously rub her vulva against your body, reach down or around and rub her clit. I know it's distracting, but just do it anyway. One important point to note: make sure that your fingers are well lubricated. There is nothing more uncomfortable (and sometimes downright painful) than a dry finger roughly rubbed across one's clitoris.
Of course, that's not all you can do with your fingers. One technique which is very exciting is to spread her lips wide apart with one hand, and with your index finger straight like a pencil, flick the side of it rapidly across her clit. This motion alone will often bring a woman to orgasm. Combining this with the addition of some tongue action elsewhere is nothing short of bliss.
Sticking one or more fingers inside her vagina is also wonderful. You can simply move them in and out (this feels best with at least two or three fingers, pushed in hard), or wriggling them around. A particularly intense motion is to face your hand so that you have two fingers inside her with your palm facing the front of her body. Now move your fingers rapidly, as if waving hello. You are aiming to stimulate a particular part of the woman's vagina - namely the lower anterior (front) part. When combined with sucking her clit, this is nearly certain to bring her to a fast and intense climax.
An excellent way to begin manual stimulation is to stick one (and later two) fingers inside her, with your palm cupped over the mons area. I'm talking about that fleshy "mound" over her pubic bone. Your finger goes in and out and the ball of your hand is pressed hard against her vulva. You may want to rub or even shake the entire area with your palm.
Fingers also do nice things to tight little butt holes, but that's a whole other story...
ANAL PLAY
This stuff is purely optional. If anal play doesn't turn you on, don't do it. If you're uncomfortable, she'll pick up on your feelings and start wondering if it's her pussy that's turning you off. Don't feel that you can't be a good lover without anal play; you can.
Cleanliness is of the essence. (remember that nice soapy shower?) Scoop out some luscious juices (from a very wet pussy) with your finger and rub it around her anus. (If she isn't well lubricated, saliva works too.) If that's all you or she feels comfortable with, fine - it still feels great. But I think most women enjoy the feel of a finger pushed up their ass while they're being fucked or eaten. You need to be gentle, possibly even leaving your finger still. Try moving it in and out a little, or around in a circle. If she starts moaning, you know you're doing something right.
It's really fun to feel a woman's anus rhythmically squeezing your finger as she cums. (And it's great for her, too) You're probably thinking about what that would feel like around your dick, and it's something you should certainly explore. Ass-fucking is somewhat out of the scope of this article, but suffice to say, if she doesn't like a finger up her butt, she sure as hell won't want your big dick up there. Even if she does enjoy this sort of play, she may still be somewhat apprehensive about putting something so large up there. The keys to success are sufficient (i.e. copious amounts of) lubrication (a water-soluble type such as K-Y, which is safe for condoms), relaxation on her part, and a slow, gentle, approach. She'll certainly tell you if she wants you to thrust harder or deeper. And remember, if you want to feel that delicious squeezing around your cock, reach around and diddle that clit!
As for anallingus - why not? Don't feel like you HAVE to do it to satisfy your woman. But if the idea turns you on, great. Let your tongue rove as it pleases. It's not necessary to actually put your tongue inside her butt to stimulate the area. Back and forth, around and around, you get the picture.
One hygiene note: once that finger (or your penis) has been inside her ass, don't even think about putting it anywhere else. Carelessness in this regard can cause a horrendous infection.
MENSTRUATION
I haven't met a lot of men who are completely comfortable going down on a woman when she has her period. But some are. Most women are at their horniest before and sometimes during their period. You should definitely find a way to make her cum when she's bleeding, be it thru intercourse, manual, or oral stimulation. If you feel comfortable going down on her, great. It's perfectly safe. You may suggest that she insert a tampon, and then wash up. (As you now know, you don't need to get anywhere near her vagina to make her cum.) Or you could lay down a few old towels, turn out the lights, and forget about it.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
I think variety is crucial. Some guy posted an article detailing a road map of kissing and licking (first here, then here, etc.) Much better to do the unexpected; sometimes a hungry, aggressive approach, other times a laid-back, leisurely one. You can even even include your nose, or your chin into the act. Start slow, that's the key, and let your lover guide the speed of the crescendo. In all cases, start gently. Roughness and clumsiness are big turn-offs. As she gets more and more excited, pay more attention to her clitoris. When she's three breathes away from cumming, moving your mouth off or away from her clit is agony. That's fine if you're intentionally torturing her, just understand that this is what you are doing. The only prohibition is to be reasonably gentle with her clit. Nibbling or biting is fine elsewhere, but we're talking about a sensitive spot.
Speaking of prolonging the agony... I think this is great fun. Bring your partner just to the edge of orgasm, and stop. This is not easy unless you really know your lover well. Instead, just have her help you. Say, "Grab my head and stop me just before you think you're gonna cum." Then take your sweet time. Blow on her clit, take it into your mouth just briefly, flick it just the very slightest bit. You will have this woman squirming and moaning like she's dying. Finger her deeply, enjoy the ecstasy you are imparting, and finally, have pity. Let the poor woman cum.
UUUUNNNNGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! (or, I'M COMING!!!)
Okay, she's practically suffocating you, she's pressed so hard against your face; she's screaming and bucking up in the air; you feel her pussy contracting wildly - how long should you keep it up?? The simple answer is, until she makes you stop. Some women may stop you after five seconds from the start of their climax, others may be able to roll right into another orgasm if you keep going. Do come up for air, but remember, her excitement does not drop off as sharply as yours does. Play it safe by continuing the stimulation.
How many times does she need to cum? Some women are very content to have one orgasm. A whole lot of women would really like to cum again, but need about five minutes to recoup. Many women are so sensitive right after they cum that they may push your head violently away. This doesn't necessarily mean they've had enough, only that you need to stop for a few minutes. In fact most women, given a short rest between, are capable of cumming again and again. A smaller percentage of women are able to cum repeatedly with continued stimulation. This is the much-touted multiple-orgasm that is experienced by a minority of women. I know this makes it difficult to know when enough is enough, but there's a simple answer: ask her.
GODI'MSOEXCITEDITFEELSGREATBUTIJUSTCAN'TCOME
It happens to all of us sometimes - distraction, embarrassment, anxiety, or just an inability to "let go". What do you do about it? The first question is, can she easily bring herself to a climax in the privacy of her own home. If the answer is no - then she needs to do some homework. There are two books on the subject that I know of: For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach, and Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson; pick up one. Then tell her to read it, study it, and practice, practice, practice!
Now if your partner is orgasmic only when alone - ask her point blank: "Is there something different I can do?" Many women are shy about criticizing their lovers, but if asked outright will surprise you with a very specific answer. It may be a simple matter of mechanics, like a little to right please, or not so rough, or more pressure and faster. Ah... perfect.
But suppose everything is wonderful. She says you're doing everything right but she just can't cum. There are two probable causes: selfconsciousness and/or self-loathing. For women who can't help watching themselves, the best approach is to eliminate anything that focuses her attention on what the two of you are doing. This is a "be here now" kind of thing - definitely not an introspective activity. Get that mirror off the ceiling. Dim the lights or turn them off completely. Put on some soft music. Share a glass of port. (I said A glass - getting drunk will definitely not help). Have her lay on her back, or propped up comfortably with some pillows. This is not the time for her to sit on your face, or the edge of the bed, or standing up against a wall. Arrange a time when you can devote a long period to eating her pussy, and then just keep it up. Forget everything I said about asking her questions - just close your eyes and get into it. I know this can be a difficult and exhausting exercise, but she will be extravagantly thankful for your efforts. It gets easier each time. If all else fails, get accustomed to masturbating together. Gradually begin to add your stimulation to her own, right before she's about to cum anyway. Over time, you can take over completely.
For women who themselves feel that their cunts are dirty or distasteful, all of the above methods may be helpful, but the underlying issue must also be addressed. I am amazed at how many women are ambivalent about their own genitals. They don't love "that part" of their body, and they can't believe that you would either. Yes, it is important to be clean. But clean means a daily shower which includes washing the vulva. It doesn't mean vainly attempting to remove every trace of smell or taste. The natural fragrance and secretions of a healthy woman are beautiful and erotic. Hopefully you agree (and if not, try hard to cultivate this attitude). When she learns to love her pussy, she will be infinitely more comfortable with your loving it too.
How to Eat Pussy
Hey, I have a lot of respect for all you guys who like to eat pussy because there are too few of you out there. And I'm not the only woman who says this. Furthermore, some of you guys who are giving it the old college try are not doing too well, so maybe this little lesson will help you out. When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she's found a treasure she's not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won't even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town. So, remember, most guys can fuck, and those who can usually do it satisfactorily, but the guy who gives good head, he's got it made.
Most women are shy about their bodies. Even if you've got the world's most gorgeous woman in bed with you, she's going to worry about how you like her body. Tell her it's beautiful, tell her which parts you like best, tell her anything, but get her to trust you enough to let you down between her legs.
Now stop and look at what you see. Beautiful, isn't it? There is nothing that makes a woman more unique than her pussy. I know. I've seen plenty of them. They come in all different sizes, colors and shapes; some are tucked inside like a little girl's cunnie and some have thick luscious lips that come out to greet you. Some are nested in brushes of fur and others are covered with transparent fuzz. Appreciate your woman's unique qualities and tell her what makes her special.
Women are a good deal more verbal than men, especially during love-making. They also respond more to verbal love, which means, the more you talk to her, the easier it will be to get her off. So all the time you're petting and stroking her beautiful pussy, talk to her about it.
Now look at it again. Gently pull the lips apart and look at her inner lips, even lick them if you want to. Now spread the tops of her pussy up until you can find her clit. Women have clits in all different sizes, just like you guys have different sized cocks. It doesn't mean a thing as far as her capacity for orgasm. All it means is more of her is hidden underneath her foreskin.
Whenever you touch a woman's pussy, make sure your finger is wet. You can lick it or moisten it with juices from inside her. Be sure, by all means, to wet it before you touch her clit because it doesn't have any juices of it's own and it's extremely sensitive. Your finger will stick to it if it's dry and that hurts. But you don't want to touch her clit anyway. You have to work up to that. Before she becomes aroused, her clit is too delicate to be handled.
Approach her pussy slowly. Women, even more so than men, love to be teased. The inner part of her thigh is her most tender spot. Lick it, kiss it, make designs on it with the tip of your tongue. Come dangerously close to her pussy, then float away. Make her anticipate it.
Now lick the crease where her leg joins her pussy. Nuzzle your face into her bush. Brush your lips over her slit without pressing down on it to further excite her. After you've done this to the point where your lady is bucking up from her seat and she's straining to get more of you closer to her, then put your lips right on top of her slit.
Kiss her, gently, then harder. Now use your tongue to separate her pussy lips and when she opens up, run your tongue up and down between the layers of pussy flesh. Gently spread her legs more with your hands. Everything you do with a woman you're about to eat must be done gently.
Tongue-fuck her. This feels define. It also teases the hell out of her because by now she wants some attention given to her clit. Check it out. See if her clit has gotten hard enough to peek out of it's covering. If so, lick it. If you can't see it, it might still be waiting for you underneath. So bring your tongue up tot he top of her slit and feel for her clit. You may barely experience it's presence. But even if you can't feel the tiny pearl, you can make it rise by licking the skin that covers it. Lick hard now and press into her skin.
Gently pull the pussy lips away and flick your tongue against the clit, hood covered or not. Do this quickly. This should cause her legs to shudder. When you sense she's getting up there toward orgasm, make your lips into an O and take the clit into your mouth. Start to suck gently and watch your lady's face for her reaction. If she can handle it, begin to suck harder. If she digs it, suck even harder. Go with her. If she lifts her pelvis into the air with the tension of her rising orgasm, move with her, don't fight her. Hang on, and keep your hot mouth on her clit. Don't let go. That's what she'll be saying too: 'Don't stop. Don't ever stop!'
There's a reason for that, most men stop too soon. Just like with cock sucking, this is something worth learning about and worth learning to do well. I know a man who's a lousy fuck, simply lousy, but he can eat pussy like nobody I know and he never has trouble getting a date. Girls are falling all over him.
But back to your pussy eating session...There's another thing you can do to intensify your woman's pleasure. You can finger-fuck her while she's enjoying your clit-licking talents. Before, curing or after. She'll really like it. In addition to the erogenous zones surrounding her clit, a woman has another extremely sensitive area at the roof of her vagina. This is what you rub up against when you're fucking her. Well, since your cock is pretty far away from your mouth, your fingers will have to do the fucking.
Take two fingers. One is too skinny and three is too wide and therefore can't get deep enough. Make sure they're wet so you don't irritate her skin. Slide them inside, slowly at first, then a little faster. Fuck her with them rhythmically. Speed up only when she does. Listen to her breathing.
She'll let you know what to do. If you're sucking her clit and finger-fucking her at the same time, you're giving her far more stimulation than you would be giving her with your cock alone. So you can count on it that she's getting high on this. If there's any doubt, check her out for symptoms. Each woman is unique. You may have one who's nipples get hard when she's excited or only when she's having an orgasm. Your girl might flush red or begin to tremble. Get to know her symptoms and you'll be a more sensitive lover.
When she starts to have an orgasm, for heaven's sakes, don't let go of that clit. Hang in there for the duration. When she starts to come down from the first orgasm, press your tongue along the underside of the clit, leaving your lips covering the top. Move your tongue in and out of her cunt. If your fingers are inside, move them a little too, gently though, things are extremely sensitive just now.
If you play your cards right, you'll get some multiple orgasms this way. A woman stays excited for a full hour after she's had an orgasm. Do you realize the full impact of that information? The potential? One woman was clocked at 56 orgasms at one sitting. Do you know what effect you would have on a woman you gave 56 orgasms to? She'd be yours as long as you wanted her.
The last advice I have for you is this: After you've made her come, make her your slave by giving her the best head she's ever had, don't leave her alone just yet. Talk to her, stroke her body, caress her breasts. Keep making love to her quietly until she's come all the way down. A man can get off and go to sleep in the same breath and feel no remorse, no sense of loss. But a woman by nature requires some sensitivity from her lover in those first few moments after sex.
Oral sex can be the most exciting sexual experiences you can have. But it's what you make it. Take your time, practice often, pay attention to your lover's signals, and most of all, enjoy yourself.
Female Oral Sex Techniques
TASTE:
In my experience, one of the main reasons that partners avoid female oral sex is due to a percieved or even experienced poor taste. While it is true that women run the range from pleasant (tasty!) to sour or uric tasting, there are easy steps to ensure that your partner will be tasting her sweetest.
First and most obviously, a good vigorous shower will do much to neutralize the taste of your partner. In fact, oral sex in the shower, while not a favorite method of mine, has a completely neutral taste if you stick to the upper regions of your partner's sex. If your partner has not showered recently, or has physically exerted herself recently, her taste will be much stronger. This, however, can be a good thing!
Secondly, foreplay will improve upon both the taste and the experience in general if your can get her juices flowing. I have never found an extremely aroused, wet woman to taste unpleasant. Quite the contrary!
FOREPLAY:
Do it! Take your time! Have fun! Experiment! A common male misunderstanding is that females are aroused most through physical contact. Not true. I have aroused women greatly simply by acting sexy. Tension is a wonderful tool, use it. If you can build tension to the point where the barest touch sends electric shivers through both of you, you can't lose! Similarly, even the best love techniques will not turn on a woman who isn't in the mood. (If you can get her in the mood, well then you're talking.)
Take your time, explore your partner (there's a lot more there than nipples and a clitoris!), build tension, have fun.
POSITIONS:
There are two basic positions that I have found very versitile and succesful. For a very comfortable session, have her lie on her back with legs spread and knees bent slightly. Lie on your stomach between her legs, put your right arm under her left leg and your left arm under her right - somewhat of an intimate hug. Now you should find your head situated conveniently and comfortably near the center of your attention.
Less comfortable, but a bit wilder is the following. Lie on your back, prop a couple of pillows (or fold one over) under your head. Have your partner kneel facing you with one knee on each side of your head, above your shoulders. The sexy part of this position (IMHO) is that your partner can look down at you and watch you eating her out. (Yum) Versatility and comfort are reduced for the giver, so I only occasionally partake in this position.
These are by no means the only positions. Again, experiment, have fun. If you can find a bed where your partner can lie down with her legs dangling off the bed and resting flat on the floor, you're in luck. Now you can have her sit just at the edge of the bed, lie back, and give you plenty of access while you kneel/sit in front of her sex.
GEOGRAPHY:
Woman are very different in some respects of their genitalia, but the major parts are the same. A woman's sex from the oral sex point of view consists of two sets of lips (outer and inner) that meet just below the vaginal opening and some variable distance above the clitoris; the vaginal opening (immediately above the nether meeting of above-mentioned lips), a smooth section of skin between the vaginal opening and the clitoris (I have no clue as to its technical name, hereafter it will be refered to as the "scav") and the clitoris and its surrounding folds.
If you get the chance, explore your partner in a location with decent lighting. Use your hand to spread her sex and explore her, find out what's where and what's what. Like I said earlier, women are different. Especially the location and shape of the clitoris. It can be buried, protruding, surrounded by many folds of flesh, or hanging out it the open. The best method I have found for finding your partner's clitoris (If all else fails, ask!), is to place a finger at the very base of her sex and gently run it up her scav until you feel a slight bump. That's it.
OK, ENOUGH OF THE DETAILS, NOW THE NITTY-GRITTY:
So your partner is showered, excited and f
Troll 92 of 98 from the annals of the Troll Library.
It's called DOOMSDAY you jackass. Just read the headline posted by the impeccable editors. They would NEVER make a mistake. Getting your moneys worth from $lashdot yet?
This is the first issue of The FuckSlashdotNow Report, and more installments will hopefully be written on a regular basis. Thanks for reading, friends, and keep watching the skies! Permission is granted to reproduce this message in any form, as long as the entire message is kept intact, from the **BEGIN** to the *EOT*
ISSUE 1
With the announcement of Slashdot subscriptions, the question becomes "what is the most fucking effective way to fuck Slashdot out of as much fucking money as fucking possible?"
Nested mode.
Nested mode draws a monumental amount of bandwidth compared to Threaded mode, with fewer page views (for subscribers) or banner ads (for non-subscribers)
Let's say that the first page of comments on a heavily-discussed story in threaded mode is 100KB in size. A person reading that story will read some of the sub-level replies to those comments comments, but not all, so let's say he pulls perhaps 200KB of bandwidth maximum, and it will cost him many page views/banner ads. Now, someone viewing that same page in nested mode is entirely likely to pull 500-1000KB, with only a single page view or banner ad. More cost to Slashdot, less income to Slashdot, therefore less PROFIT for Slashdot.
This goes without saying, but we also need to set our thresholds to -1 (yours IS already set to -1, right?), set our "max comment size" to very high (so that gigantic garbage comments display in full), as well as setting "Limit" very high aslo. Crapflooders need to focus more on posting replies to high-rated or early-posted comments instead of (or in addition to) posting top-level comments, because many people don't bother visiting the second page of comments when there's more than one. And we all need to use unkbuster, of course.
Now, the question becomes, can we cost them more money by subscribing, or by not subscribing? I'd be more than happy to throw $50 at Slashdot if by creative page-loading I could cause it to cost them $100 -- I'd be out $50, but so would they, so I think it'd be worth it. It would definitely do more for the world than throwing $50 at those gay starving African children in Africa. But can we cost them more money by subscribing or by not subscribing?
Most large-scale bandwidth providers charge a few dollars or so per gigabyte. Let's be generous, and say that Slashdot pays $5 per gigabyte. With subscriptions, you pay $5 for 1000 pageviews. Unless your 1000 pageviews average 1.024MB each, Slashdot isn't meeting expenses, they're making a profit. Subscribers will not only be paying their own way, they'll be subsidizing non-subscribers. Slashdot is lying to subscribers, and it's important that potential subscribers know this.
So basically, if you subscribe to Slashdot it's harder to fuck them than if you don't subscribe. So don't subscribe. And encourage your friends not to subscribe
Although this particular message is aimed at trolls / crapflooders / culture jammers / anarchists / discordianists / etc, it's important that we recruit the "normal users" to this crusade without them even knowing what our true purpose is -- just educate them that they'll get better value for their money if they use nested mode (much fewer pageviews than threaded mode, thus their subscription lasts longer), without pointing out to them that this'll also spike Slashdot's bandwidth usage.
In short, encourage subscribes to use NESTED MODE and to lower their thresholds to cut down on the pageviews they spend (actually to increase Slashdot's bandwidth usage)
Once subscribers realize that they can cut their page views down to a fraction by always using only nested mode, Slashdot's bandwidth usage will start to rise and they'll be forced to use larger and more intrusive advertisements to generate more income or make the site even crappier to drive people away to reduce expenses, or both. More intrusive ads will lead to more people joinining the FuckSlashdotNow campaign, or to quit Slashdot, or to merely Junkbuster the ads, fucking Slashdot's income stream further.
Summary:
Trolls / crapflooders / culture jammers / etc / should do this:
1. Junkbuster
2. Use Nested mode, -1 threshold
3. Set max comment size very high.
4. Not subscribe
5. Load as many pages as possible
6. Consume as much bandwidth as possible
7 Load as few advertisements as possible
8. Recruit others to the cause
9. Re-post this message to every thread
10. Rate this comment up whenever you see it posted
11. Stay tuned for more updates.
We should (covertly) encourage non-subscribing normal users to do the following:
1. Not subscribe, because it's not a good value for their money.
2. Use Junkbuster to block banner ads.
We should (covertly) encourage subscribing normal users to do the following:
1. Use Nested mode for the duration of their subscription, so that they'll spend fewer pageviews and get better value for their money.
2. Not resubscribe.
Thanks for reading this first issue of The FuckSlashdotNow Report! I'm currently soliticing ideas for upcoming issues; please e-mail me (e-mail address is in profile) with any comments or suggestions!
ur VARY aprctd fr rdng ths msg, pls fix thx!!!
*EOT*
Troll 91 of 98 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Its DOOMSDAY you jackass. Just read the headline posted by the impeccable editors. They would NEVER make a mistake. Getting your moneys worth from $lashdot yet?
Trolls of the world unite Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number - Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you - Ye are many - they are few Kill all moderators that connive against you!
Add this to the Troll Library, fooker.
Troll 90 of 98 from the annals of the Troll Library.
Slashdot Mirror
You don't need to be a Kreskin [amdest.com] to predict The Customer is Always Wrong's future. The hand writing is on the wall: The Customer is Always Wrong faces a bleak future. In fact there won't be any future at all for The Customer is Always Wrong because The Customer is Always Wrong is dying. Things are looking very bad for The Customer is Always Wrong. As many of us are already aware, The Customer is Always Wrong continues to lose market share. Red ink flows like a river of blood. FreeBSD is the most endangered of them all.
Let's keep to the facts and look at the numbers.
The Customer is Always Wrong leader Theo states that there are 7000 users of The Customer is Always Wrong. How many users of The Customer is Always Wrong are there? Let's see. The number of The Customer is Always Wrong versus NetBSD posts on Usenet is roughly in ratio of 5 to 1. Therefore there are about 7000/5 = 1400 The Customer is Always Wrong users. BSD/OS posts on Usenet are about half of the volume of The Customer is Always Wrong posts. Therefore there are about 700 users of BSD/OS. A recent article put The Customer is Always Wrong at about 80 percent of the The Customer is Always Wrong market. Therefore there are (7000+1400+700)*4 = 36400 The Customer is Always Wrong users. This is consistent with the number of The Customer is Always Wrong Usenet posts.
Due to the troubles of Walnut Creek, abysmal sales and so on, The Customer is Always Wrong went out of business and was taken over by The Customer is Always Wrong who sell another troubled OS. Now The Customer is Always Wrong is also dead, its corpse turned over to yet another charnel house.
All major surveys show that The Customer is Always Wrong has steadily declined in market share. The Customer is Always Wrong is very sick and its long term survival prospects are very dim. If The Customer is Always Wrong is to survive at all it will be among OS hobbyist dabblers. The Customer is Always Wrong continues to decay. Nothing short of a miracle could save it at this point in time. For all practical purposes, The Customer is Always Wrong is dead.
The Customer is Always Wrong is dying
Troll 7 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
He will be missed :(
Troll 6 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
You don't need to be a Kreskin [amdest.com] to predict the future of the Stinking sweaty Linux hippie. The hand writing is on the wall: Foul-stenched GNU hippies with swampy armpits face a bleak future. In fact there won't be any future at all for them because they are dying. Things are looking very bad for Hairy-backed GNU hippie. As many of us are already aware, they continue to lose market share. Red ink flows like a river of blood.
Let's keep to the facts and look at the numbers.
Troll leader Anonymouse Coward states that there are 7000 goatse.cx trolls. How many ascii art trolls are there? Let's see. The number of goatse.cx versus ascii art posts on Usenet is roughly in ratio of 5 to 1. Therefore there are about 7000/5 = 1400 ascii art trolls. Pimply-faced GNU hippies posts on $lashdot are about half of the volume of ascii art posts. Therefore there are about 700 Cock-Gobbling GNU Hippies. A recent article put "first post" at about 80 percent of the troll market. Therefore there are (7000+1400+700)*4 = 36400 "first post" trolls. This is consistent with the number of first posts.
All major surveys show that Putrid smelling greasy GNU hippies have steadily declined in market share. $lashdot is very sick and its long term survival prospects are very dim. If Grubby Smelly Linux Hippies are to survive at all it will be among troll hobbyist dabblers. $lashdot continues to decay. Nothing short of a miracle could save it at this point in time. For all practical purposes, Dirty GNU Hippies are dead.
Troll 5 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Drain your swampy armpits, wash off your rancid body odor and fix the bug dammit!! But please - for Gods sake, TAKE A SHOWER!
Troll 3 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Linux only:
fixed sound crash, going around memset bug in glibc i586/i686
Wondering how a bug could exist in such a fundamental basic function such as memset, we contacted Heinous Turdballs of Linux fame, and he was kind enough to give a few minutes of his time.
Q: Thanks for your time in answering some questions for us
A: No problem. As you know, I am umemployed and have no life, which is of course how I got involved in Linux in the first place.
Q: OK, Mr. Turdballs. By the way, do you mind if I call you 'Dirty GNU Hippie'?
A: I would rather you didn't. I prefer the term 'Dirty Linux Hippie'. As you know, my ratty and nasty hairdo, my rancid steaming armpits and my putrid stench of body odor makes me qualified, I think.
Q: I quite agree. Can you tell us about the memset bug?
A: Sure. We dont really know who is responsible for the bug. We don't know who is making changes, why they make them, or when.
Q: Hmm.. sounds chaotic!
A: It sure is. But Linux is free!!! We are dirty smelly GNU hippies with natty greasy long hair, enjoying the FREE LOVE of GNU software!
Q: Come to think of it, Linux sure does crash alot.
A: Yeah, but that will be fixed in the service pack - er, I mean kernel release. We also have support for some new device drivers that came out 2 years ago. You just have to recompile your kernel with the correct command line switches, after configuring your make file and making the correct edits to /etc/fstab. By the way, if you screw that up, you are really fucked.
Q: Sounds good. So, how do you organize who is working on Linux?
A: Mostly we don't. We pretty much let anyone have at it with the code base. We figure at some point, someone who actually knows something about operating systems will do some work on it. It has to happen eventually, its like a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters. Literally.
Q: That's great. What normally happens?
A: Normally someone comes in and fucks everything up completely, but we don't know who they are because we never actually talk to anyone who is making changes to the code. We assume that if you are capable of signing up for a Hotmail account, you must be pretty good at computers and you should be a tech lead in a major open sores project.
Q: Open sores?
A: Yes, I am sure you have heard of it. Its free, therefore its good. Check out sourceforge.net, where bad project ideas go to a quiet and lonely death when the developers realize that 12 year old kids should not be SQA leads when they are constantly getting atomic wedgies because they wear shirts saying "Put Linux Anywhere".
Q: OK, Back to the topic. Whats a typical day in the life of a Linux developer?
A: Usually his mom wakes him up in time to catch the school bus, like 8:00. We encourage this because we want the developers to be well edumacted.
By the time he gets home at 2:00 (the Linux enthusiast does not participate in socalled "extra cirricular" activities, or worry about being "well rounded" and does not have a "social identity" or "play well with others") he has been beaten up a few times for wearing a "I GNU SPOCK" tshirt.
Then, to take out his frustration, he hammers away at the keyboard for a few hours. If the resultant code compiles, he will go ahead and check it in. Then mommy tucks him in for the night.
Q: Interesting. So who will be in charge of resolving the memset bug?
A: We have a nice prospect in mind. He has a strong background in manual labor and performing menial tasks. I'm not sure what his name is but he has a hotmail account, dAsUpAhZillAZ99@hotmail.com.
Q: Sounds great. I'm looking forward to it!
A: Just keep reading $lashdot, where are the pimply nerds congregate. You may get assaulted by some homosexual linux zealots, but you will learn to like it.
Q: Sounds like fun!
A: Also hang out at sourceforge.net, where bad project ideas go to a quiet and lonely death among the other dirty GNU hippie projects.
Q: Thanks for your time!
A: Tell commander tuna taco I said I will pay in full after I get a real job. Then I will be back for another taco-snotting.
Troll 2 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Reports are that he died from complications resulting from \"Email And Cell Phone In One From RIM\". Truly a internet icon. He will be missed :(
Troll 1 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Anonymous Coward
Alan_Thicke
Carp Flounderson
Commienst
Dead Penis Bird
kiwipeso
GoatTroll
Ivy League Troll
Klerck
LunchLady
Mayor McPenisman
Metrollica
Mighty-Troll
Mode0x13
propstoalldeadhomiez
Real World Stuff
Roto-Rooter Man
senior_troll
Serial Troller
trollercoaster
The_Fire_Horse
Troll 108 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Unless you posted in the journal, I would not have you in the list...
Anonymous Coward
Alan_Thicke
Carp Flounderson
Commienst
Dead Penis Bird
kiwipeso
GoatTroll
Ivy League Troll
Klerck
LunchLady
Mayor McPenisman
Metrollica
Mighty-Troll
Mode0x13
propstoalldeadhomiez
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Troll 108 of 109 from the annals of the Troll Library .
We are plesed to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have accepted your troll into the Troll Library.
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We are plesed to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have accepted your troll into the Troll Library.
You show a masterful skill at trolling.
Thank you for your time and your contribution.
We are plesed to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have accepted your troll into the Troll Library.
You show a masterful skill at trolling.
Thank you for your time and your contribution.
on the bash shell, how do i get irc to work under window? i tried -d'ing it,but that didn't work like it said it would.
[Unix And Networking> msg #100312 (17 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:28 from Ritcshie
Is the problem that Irc(II?) doesn't understand your (X-)term type?
[Unix And Networking> msg #100313 (16 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:29 from Nicole Mannino
well, without the -d it irc can;t display on window, but it works with it,except that it's kinda fucked up. not like lynx is fucked up on window, butstill not good
[Unix And Networking> msg #100314 (15 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:36 from Nicole Mannino
oh yeah, i'm using osf1, if that helps.
[Unix And Networking> msg #100315 (14 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:37 from Timothy McVeighnicole>
that's just an example of hwat an inferior os osf1 is. bust out the openBSD,they got a port for you, and window will work fine.
[Unix And Networking> msg #100316 (3 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:39 from Ritcshie
Perhaps installing a new operating system isn't an option.
[Unix And Networking> msg #100317 (2 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:43 from Timothy McVeigh
perhaps the fact that she chose a retard os over an 3l33t one like openBSD (askcisco) say that inctalling a new os isn't an option cause she's too dumb.
[Unix And Networking> msg #100318 (1 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:45 from ImperialTimothy McVeigh>
Your posts are making no fucking sense at all. How could she install anew OS on a machine that isn't hers?[Unix And Networking> msg #100319 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:47 from Timothy McVeighimperial>
uh, it is her machine.[Unix And Networking> msg #100320 (1 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:50 from Ritcshie
Oh, Christ. Can't you just _shut up_ about which goddamn unix OS is moregoddamn 3l33t than another? What's important is that it ain't M$. Beyondthat, why not try being _helpful_, instead of an _asshole_?
[Unix And Networking> msg #100321 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:53 from Timothy McVeighi AM being helpful, the world wouldn't be such a horrible place to live in ifwe opened peoples eyes to the light of openBSD. try reading nfo, and you'dsee what i mean, this forum is for the advocacy and upholding of openbsd ONLY.
it's th3 k-r4dd3st 0S in the w0rld. and i don't know how you and imperial canbe in love with nicole when she doesn't run openBSD, simple as that.[Unix And Networking> msg #100322 (1 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 21, 1998 23:56 from Dreamslayer (Forum Moderator)Enough. Stop it already. Please note the 'no flame' rule in the nfo.[Unix And Networking> msg #100323 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:08 from Nicole Mannino
www.pitt.edu/~nimst3/sajkfks d.jpg is what i'm talking about when i say window..
[Unix And Networking> msg #100324 (5 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:12 from Timothy McVeigh
www.openbsd.org is what i'm talking about when i say get a real VB c0d3rz OS.[Unix And Networking> msg #100325 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:15 from Automata
people: timothy mcveigh and friends are just trolling. please give it up andignore them. this very message is enough to give satisfaction to their anticsand self-validation. but please, avoid temptation and let's try and keep thediscussion meaningful and helpful.
[Unix And Networking> msg #100326 (1 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:18 from Timothy McVeigh
automata: hush. just because you weren't elite enough to get on the b33tl3_bsdmailing list because you turned down the test drive doesn't mean you have totake your anger out on good people like me and dustin.
[Unix And Networking> msg #100327 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:26 from Zaphod Beeblebrox
Alright, this is just a quickie, and hopefully I won't be bashed for runningLinux instead of the 33l33t BSD, but here goes:
I'm trying to install the enlightenment window manager (RedHat 4.2, 2.0.30kernel), and I can't get th e ImageMagick package installed. Here's the gccline it's puking on:
gcc -g -02 -o combine combine.o magick/.libs/libmagick.a -L/usr/local/lib -lX11-lm -L/usr/local/lib -lX11 -lm
... and here's the error:
ld: cannot open -lX11: No such file or directory
Obviously I'm no gcc expert, but just looking at the man page seems to tell methat the command line is okay. Ideas?
[Unix And Networking> msg #100328 (1 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:31 from Timothy McVeigh
well, you know the obvious answer, the choice of VB c0d3rz round the world.or you could downgrade your kernel, it won't work with the 2.x.xx kernels.[Unix And Networking> msg #100329 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:38 from SexyFetusI'd just like to say that Nicole Mannino is one hot peice of ass![Unix And Networking> msg #100330 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:38 from KawasakiI take a 6 mos hiatas (spl) from the room, and I come back and we got 3l33t\/\/annabe mofos running around thinking they are god? Cmon.... Assholes> isdonw the hall, and on another BBS.
Knock it off and post something useful.I dont care how elite you think you are - youre being an asshole.
Now...any chance someone with NS3.2 or 3.3 could compile something for me?Its not that large... thanks
Sep 22, 1998 00:41 from Timothy McVeighlook, i am 3l33t.lump it or leave it.[Unix And Networking> msg #100332 (0 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Sep 22, 1998 00:42 from KawasakiYer a dumbshit, and you arent contributing a hill of beans to the room.[Unix And Networking> msg #100333 (2 remaining)] Read cmd ->
Troll 93 of 99 from the annals of the Troll Library .
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I would like to go to your daughter's sleepover. If you dont mind. Its better than watching from your webcam, like I usually do.
Eating a woman's pussy is about the most wonderful thing you can do for her. It makes her feel loved, admired, sexy, and of course it makes her cum like crazy. Many women prefer it to intercourse, and for most, it is the easiest way to cum with a man. You may have the littlest dick on the planet, but if you give great head, you will be appreciated as a fabulous lover. Yes, it's that important. Besides, lots of women expect it these days - you might as well know what you're doing.
First off, guys seem to have a strange love/hate relationship with women's genitalia. Guys that can't wait to get their dick into one are often reluctant to put their face "down there". For every guy who says he loves to eat pussy, there's another one who's squeamish. Women know this, and it affects their ability to lay back and enjoy the experience. There is nothing more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious. Don't be coy; tell her. When a guy fingers a lady and then smells, licks, sucks the juice off his finger and sighs as if in heaven, she knows this is her lucky day.
What if your sweet lady doesn't smell or taste very sweet? Don't suffer. (Don't complain, either.) Take a nice hot shower or bath together. Lather up both of your bodies and slide them together. It's like a whole body fuck. Soap up her vulva, washing between her outer and inner lips. Spread her lips apart and gently wash her clitoris. Hey, don't stop - this feels great! Run your soapy hand down the crack of her ass, and rub a finger all around her anus. You can stick one finger in and wash around inside too, if you anticipate any anal play, and I suggest you do. But don't put those soapy fingers up her vagina. Instead, rinse them off well and stick one or two inside, making a circular motion. Think about washing the inside of a tall glass - same thing. Now wasn't that fun? And now you can feel free to let your tongue wander anywhere it pleases...
So now what? You've found a comfy spot to play, you've been kissing passionately, your tongues darting around each other's mouths like playful otters. You've moved down to nibble one of her hardening nipples and she's starting to groan, grinding her pelvis against your stomach. STOP. I know it was just starting to get good. But was she really groaning and humping you, or was it your own excitement you were detecting? I strongly prefer to be excited before a guy starts plunging his tongue into my inner recesses. Use your judgement, and kiss, lick, and fondle your way down her stomach, up her thighs, until she's arching up her back trying to get you to eat her. Of course, if she really was groaning and grinding, go for it... I also don't particularly enjoy a guy endlessly nibbling my inner thigh while my clit is quivering in anticipation.
POSITIONS
If the woman you are with is somewhat hesitant about your going down on her, start off with her lying on her back, perhaps half-sitting. Lay down between her legs, with her legs over your shoulders. She may enjoy laying or sitting at the edge of the bed with you kneeling. She can also straddle your face, but be prepared to get very wet. There are endless varieties of positions where you can press your face up to her cunt, some of which strike me as more acrobatic than erotic, but feel free to experiment. And then there's 69...
69 is one of my favorite positions. On the plus side, you both get to enjoy the sublime sensations of getting head, simultaneously. The upside down positioning of a woman's pussy and your mouth is an easy fit and there's more room for your hands. On the negative side, it's a less than ideal position for a woman to give head. Plus, if you need to read this article, you may be better off concentrating your energies on pleasing her, without too much distraction. But even for experienced 69'ers, it's easy to short-change your partner. "It feels soooo good, I'm just gonna stop for a second and concentrate on what you're...aaaarrrgghhh". Get the picture? Some show of will-power is in order.
69 can be done male on top, female on top, or side by side. The latter two are easier, though it's more restful with both partners laying down. Some women love being licked on all fours, so if female-on-top 69 drives her wild, take the hint and find some other ways to eat her in this position. I happen to enjoy male on top, but for many women this is a sure choking position. If a woman can, or wants to try, to deep throat you, this is THE position. When her head is thrust back you can really slide your cock all the way down her throat. But don't forget what you're supposed to be doing!
So there you are staring at it - the mysterious hole from whence you came, and into which you hope to cum again... First, an anatomy lesson...
THE CLITORIS
Before I go any further, a few words about the clitoris, accent on the first syllable. Most of you know it, but for those who don't, it is THE woman's sex organ, period. It may feel great to be fucked vaginally, anally or otherwise, but if the stimulation is not right there, on the clitoris, you're ignoring the place that's going to make her cum, and presumably that's why you're reading this, right? It's right there at the top juncture of her inner lips, a small knob of pink flesh. This is where it's at boys, and don't forget it. Almost any licking and sucking of the labia or vaginal entrance is going to feel just dandy; just remember that this is pleasurable teasing, not the main event. I can't tell you how many guys have thrust their tongues up my vagina thinking that this was going to make me cum. They were wrong. Of course, with a little manual stimulation....but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Women feel differently about how much direct stimulation they can take on their clitoris. Some women will adore it if you suck hard on their exposed clits, others will shriek in pain. You may encounter a woman who is completely unable to take direct stimulation of her clit; the goal is still the same, but you'll have to stimulate it indirectly, such as through her labia. IMPORTANT NOTE: Often, what is unacceptably rough at first may be fine after she's very excited. The fact is, most women really need a good bit of stimulation before a targeted attack on their clitoris, but once they're there, that's where you want to devote your attention.
The key here is go slow, ask questions, and if she's comfortable with it, leave the lights on and really explore. Body language often does tell what feels best, but I promise, she will appreciate your attentiveness if you ask outright. If she seems shy, get her to guide your hands and mouth with her own hand, and pay attention. If she starts bucking up against your mouth and gasping in ragged little breaths, for God's sake, don't use this opportunity to try something different. Just keep doing exactly what you're doing.
THE TONGUE
I want to reiterate, there is almost nothing you can do that won't feel terrific, so relax! I promise, you may be confused and uncertain, but she's in heaven. Any licking and sucking of the labia, vaginal entrance, clitoris, or anal area is going to feel just great, and I'd no sooner tell guys to "do it exactly like this" than I would tell every chef to follow the same recipe. But for those who are compelled to RTFM, here are a few techniques that you might like to try:
Try lapping her pussy from vaginal entrance up to her clit, leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed. This is a good way to start your tonguing.
Run your tongue between the inner and outer labia on one side, while holding the two together with your lips. Good job, now do the other side.
Fuck her pussy with your tongue - in and out, around and around, etc. This feels nice. Not wonderful or incredible or earth-shaking; nice.
Spread her outer lips with your hand. Then, with your tongue pointed and stiff, gently flick here and there. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit. This drives some women wild, and others can't take it. Some may prefer that you always leave your tongue soft, so when you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstacy or pain.
The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e. she's no longer coherent). These are very intense actions which may be "too much" for some women, even when nearing orgasm.
With her clit still exposed, give it a quick little suck - pulling it into your mouth briefly and letting it go. This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky. This feels incredible, and is a fine thing to do if you feel like torturing her (see PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER below).
Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently (at first, anyway) suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. This can be done very lightly or very aggressively, and combined with fingering, will usually rapidly produce an intense orgasm.
Another choice technique involves rolling your tongue into a tube. If you can't do this with your tongue, you can't learn it - it's genetic. For those who can, this works best in an inverted or 69 position. Roll your tongue into a tube around the shaft of her clitoris. Slide it up and down; in effect, your tongue makes a tiny pussy for her clit to fuck. This also is likely to bring her over the edge.
FINGERS
Fingers are a valuable adjunct to eating pussy. Most women masturbate by pressing a finger or fingers over their clit, possibly "thru" the skin of their inner or outer lips, and vigorously rubbing in a circular or back-and-forth direction. You can do this too, and it is most helpful to ask, or better yet, have her show you how she likes it done. You will never be a good lover until you can bring your woman to climax with your hands. When you fuck her from behind, or up her ass, or really in any position which doesn't allow her to simultaneously rub her vulva against your body, reach down or around and rub her clit. I know it's distracting, but just do it anyway. One important point to note: make sure that your fingers are well lubricated. There is nothing more uncomfortable (and sometimes downright painful) than a dry finger roughly rubbed across one's clitoris.
Of course, that's not all you can do with your fingers. One technique which is very exciting is to spread her lips wide apart with one hand, and with your index finger straight like a pencil, flick the side of it rapidly across her clit. This motion alone will often bring a woman to orgasm. Combining this with the addition of some tongue action elsewhere is nothing short of bliss.
Sticking one or more fingers inside her vagina is also wonderful. You can simply move them in and out (this feels best with at least two or three fingers, pushed in hard), or wriggling them around. A particularly intense motion is to face your hand so that you have two fingers inside her with your palm facing the front of her body. Now move your fingers rapidly, as if waving hello. You are aiming to stimulate a particular part of the woman's vagina - namely the lower anterior (front) part. When combined with sucking her clit, this is nearly certain to bring her to a fast and intense climax.
An excellent way to begin manual stimulation is to stick one (and later two) fingers inside her, with your palm cupped over the mons area. I'm talking about that fleshy "mound" over her pubic bone. Your finger goes in and out and the ball of your hand is pressed hard against her vulva. You may want to rub or even shake the entire area with your palm.
Fingers also do nice things to tight little butt holes, but that's a whole other story...
ANAL PLAY
This stuff is purely optional. If anal play doesn't turn you on, don't do it. If you're uncomfortable, she'll pick up on your feelings and start wondering if it's her pussy that's turning you off. Don't feel that you can't be a good lover without anal play; you can.
Cleanliness is of the essence. (remember that nice soapy shower?) Scoop out some luscious juices (from a very wet pussy) with your finger and rub it around her anus. (If she isn't well lubricated, saliva works too.) If that's all you or she feels comfortable with, fine - it still feels great. But I think most women enjoy the feel of a finger pushed up their ass while they're being fucked or eaten. You need to be gentle, possibly even leaving your finger still. Try moving it in and out a little, or around in a circle. If she starts moaning, you know you're doing something right.
It's really fun to feel a woman's anus rhythmically squeezing your finger as she cums. (And it's great for her, too) You're probably thinking about what that would feel like around your dick, and it's something you should certainly explore. Ass-fucking is somewhat out of the scope of this article, but suffice to say, if she doesn't like a finger up her butt, she sure as hell won't want your big dick up there. Even if she does enjoy this sort of play, she may still be somewhat apprehensive about putting something so large up there. The keys to success are sufficient (i.e. copious amounts of) lubrication (a water-soluble type such as K-Y, which is safe for condoms), relaxation on her part, and a slow, gentle, approach. She'll certainly tell you if she wants you to thrust harder or deeper. And remember, if you want to feel that delicious squeezing around your cock, reach around and diddle that clit!
As for anallingus - why not? Don't feel like you HAVE to do it to satisfy your woman. But if the idea turns you on, great. Let your tongue rove as it pleases. It's not necessary to actually put your tongue inside her butt to stimulate the area. Back and forth, around and around, you get the picture.
One hygiene note: once that finger (or your penis) has been inside her ass, don't even think about putting it anywhere else. Carelessness in this regard can cause a horrendous infection.
MENSTRUATION
I haven't met a lot of men who are completely comfortable going down on a woman when she has her period. But some are. Most women are at their horniest before and sometimes during their period. You should definitely find a way to make her cum when she's bleeding, be it thru intercourse, manual, or oral stimulation. If you feel comfortable going down on her, great. It's perfectly safe. You may suggest that she insert a tampon, and then wash up. (As you now know, you don't need to get anywhere near her vagina to make her cum.) Or you could lay down a few old towels, turn out the lights, and forget about it.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
I think variety is crucial. Some guy posted an article detailing a road map of kissing and licking (first here, then here, etc.) Much better to do the unexpected; sometimes a hungry, aggressive approach, other times a laid-back, leisurely one. You can even even include your nose, or your chin into the act. Start slow, that's the key, and let your lover guide the speed of the crescendo. In all cases, start gently. Roughness and clumsiness are big turn-offs. As she gets more and more excited, pay more attention to her clitoris. When she's three breathes away from cumming, moving your mouth off or away from her clit is agony. That's fine if you're intentionally torturing her, just understand that this is what you are doing. The only prohibition is to be reasonably gentle with her clit. Nibbling or biting is fine elsewhere, but we're talking about a sensitive spot.
Speaking of prolonging the agony... I think this is great fun. Bring your partner just to the edge of orgasm, and stop. This is not easy unless you really know your lover well. Instead, just have her help you. Say, "Grab my head and stop me just before you think you're gonna cum." Then take your sweet time. Blow on her clit, take it into your mouth just briefly, flick it just the very slightest bit. You will have this woman squirming and moaning like she's dying. Finger her deeply, enjoy the ecstasy you are imparting, and finally, have pity. Let the poor woman cum.
UUUUNNNNGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! (or, I'M COMING!!!)
Okay, she's practically suffocating you, she's pressed so hard against your face; she's screaming and bucking up in the air; you feel her pussy contracting wildly - how long should you keep it up?? The simple answer is, until she makes you stop. Some women may stop you after five seconds from the start of their climax, others may be able to roll right into another orgasm if you keep going. Do come up for air, but remember, her excitement does not drop off as sharply as yours does. Play it safe by continuing the stimulation.
How many times does she need to cum? Some women are very content to have one orgasm. A whole lot of women would really like to cum again, but need about five minutes to recoup. Many women are so sensitive right after they cum that they may push your head violently away. This doesn't necessarily mean they've had enough, only that you need to stop for a few minutes. In fact most women, given a short rest between, are capable of cumming again and again. A smaller percentage of women are able to cum repeatedly with continued stimulation. This is the much-touted multiple-orgasm that is experienced by a minority of women. I know this makes it difficult to know when enough is enough, but there's a simple answer: ask her.
GODI'MSOEXCITEDITFEELSGREATBUTIJUSTCAN'TCOME
It happens to all of us sometimes - distraction, embarrassment, anxiety, or just an inability to "let go". What do you do about it? The first question is, can she easily bring herself to a climax in the privacy of her own home. If the answer is no - then she needs to do some homework. There are two books on the subject that I know of: For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach, and Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson; pick up one. Then tell her to read it, study it, and practice, practice, practice!
Now if your partner is orgasmic only when alone - ask her point blank: "Is there something different I can do?" Many women are shy about criticizing their lovers, but if asked outright will surprise you with a very specific answer. It may be a simple matter of mechanics, like a little to right please, or not so rough, or more pressure and faster. Ah... perfect.
But suppose everything is wonderful. She says you're doing everything right but she just can't cum. There are two probable causes: selfconsciousness and/or self-loathing. For women who can't help watching themselves, the best approach is to eliminate anything that focuses her attention on what the two of you are doing. This is a "be here now" kind of thing - definitely not an introspective activity. Get that mirror off the ceiling. Dim the lights or turn them off completely. Put on some soft music. Share a glass of port. (I said A glass - getting drunk will definitely not help). Have her lay on her back, or propped up comfortably with some pillows. This is not the time for her to sit on your face, or the edge of the bed, or standing up against a wall. Arrange a time when you can devote a long period to eating her pussy, and then just keep it up. Forget everything I said about asking her questions - just close your eyes and get into it. I know this can be a difficult and exhausting exercise, but she will be extravagantly thankful for your efforts. It gets easier each time. If all else fails, get accustomed to masturbating together. Gradually begin to add your stimulation to her own, right before she's about to cum anyway. Over time, you can take over completely.
For women who themselves feel that their cunts are dirty or distasteful, all of the above methods may be helpful, but the underlying issue must also be addressed. I am amazed at how many women are ambivalent about their own genitals. They don't love "that part" of their body, and they can't believe that you would either. Yes, it is important to be clean. But clean means a daily shower which includes washing the vulva. It doesn't mean vainly attempting to remove every trace of smell or taste. The natural fragrance and secretions of a healthy woman are beautiful and erotic. Hopefully you agree (and if not, try hard to cultivate this attitude). When she learns to love her pussy, she will be infinitely more comfortable with your loving it too.
How to Eat Pussy
Hey, I have a lot of respect for all you guys who like to eat pussy because there are too few of you out there. And I'm not the only woman who says this. Furthermore, some of you guys who are giving it the old college try are not doing too well, so maybe this little lesson will help you out. When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she's found a treasure she's not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won't even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town. So, remember, most guys can fuck, and those who can usually do it satisfactorily, but the guy who gives good head, he's got it made.
Most women are shy about their bodies. Even if you've got the world's most gorgeous woman in bed with you, she's going to worry about how you like her body. Tell her it's beautiful, tell her which parts you like best, tell her anything, but get her to trust you enough to let you down between her legs.
Now stop and look at what you see. Beautiful, isn't it? There is nothing that makes a woman more unique than her pussy. I know. I've seen plenty of them. They come in all different sizes, colors and shapes; some are tucked inside like a little girl's cunnie and some have thick luscious lips that come out to greet you. Some are nested in brushes of fur and others are covered with transparent fuzz. Appreciate your woman's unique qualities and tell her what makes her special.
Women are a good deal more verbal than men, especially during love-making. They also respond more to verbal love, which means, the more you talk to her, the easier it will be to get her off. So all the time you're petting and stroking her beautiful pussy, talk to her about it.
Now look at it again. Gently pull the lips apart and look at her inner lips, even lick them if you want to. Now spread the tops of her pussy up until you can find her clit. Women have clits in all different sizes, just like you guys have different sized cocks. It doesn't mean a thing as far as her capacity for orgasm. All it means is more of her is hidden underneath her foreskin.
Whenever you touch a woman's pussy, make sure your finger is wet. You can lick it or moisten it with juices from inside her. Be sure, by all means, to wet it before you touch her clit because it doesn't have any juices of it's own and it's extremely sensitive. Your finger will stick to it if it's dry and that hurts. But you don't want to touch her clit anyway. You have to work up to that. Before she becomes aroused, her clit is too delicate to be handled.
Approach her pussy slowly. Women, even more so than men, love to be teased. The inner part of her thigh is her most tender spot. Lick it, kiss it, make designs on it with the tip of your tongue. Come dangerously close to her pussy, then float away. Make her anticipate it.
Now lick the crease where her leg joins her pussy. Nuzzle your face into her bush. Brush your lips over her slit without pressing down on it to further excite her. After you've done this to the point where your lady is bucking up from her seat and she's straining to get more of you closer to her, then put your lips right on top of her slit.
Kiss her, gently, then harder. Now use your tongue to separate her pussy lips and when she opens up, run your tongue up and down between the layers of pussy flesh. Gently spread her legs more with your hands. Everything you do with a woman you're about to eat must be done gently.
Tongue-fuck her. This feels define. It also teases the hell out of her because by now she wants some attention given to her clit. Check it out. See if her clit has gotten hard enough to peek out of it's covering. If so, lick it. If you can't see it, it might still be waiting for you underneath. So bring your tongue up tot he top of her slit and feel for her clit. You may barely experience it's presence. But even if you can't feel the tiny pearl, you can make it rise by licking the skin that covers it. Lick hard now and press into her skin.
Gently pull the pussy lips away and flick your tongue against the clit, hood covered or not. Do this quickly. This should cause her legs to shudder. When you sense she's getting up there toward orgasm, make your lips into an O and take the clit into your mouth. Start to suck gently and watch your lady's face for her reaction. If she can handle it, begin to suck harder. If she digs it, suck even harder. Go with her. If she lifts her pelvis into the air with the tension of her rising orgasm, move with her, don't fight her. Hang on, and keep your hot mouth on her clit. Don't let go. That's what she'll be saying too: 'Don't stop. Don't ever stop!'
There's a reason for that, most men stop too soon. Just like with cock sucking, this is something worth learning about and worth learning to do well. I know a man who's a lousy fuck, simply lousy, but he can eat pussy like nobody I know and he never has trouble getting a date. Girls are falling all over him.
But back to your pussy eating session...There's another thing you can do to intensify your woman's pleasure. You can finger-fuck her while she's enjoying your clit-licking talents. Before, curing or after. She'll really like it. In addition to the erogenous zones surrounding her clit, a woman has another extremely sensitive area at the roof of her vagina. This is what you rub up against when you're fucking her. Well, since your cock is pretty far away from your mouth, your fingers will have to do the fucking.
Take two fingers. One is too skinny and three is too wide and therefore can't get deep enough. Make sure they're wet so you don't irritate her skin. Slide them inside, slowly at first, then a little faster. Fuck her with them rhythmically. Speed up only when she does. Listen to her breathing.
She'll let you know what to do. If you're sucking her clit and finger-fucking her at the same time, you're giving her far more stimulation than you would be giving her with your cock alone. So you can count on it that she's getting high on this. If there's any doubt, check her out for symptoms. Each woman is unique. You may have one who's nipples get hard when she's excited or only when she's having an orgasm. Your girl might flush red or begin to tremble. Get to know her symptoms and you'll be a more sensitive lover.
When she starts to have an orgasm, for heaven's sakes, don't let go of that clit. Hang in there for the duration. When she starts to come down from the first orgasm, press your tongue along the underside of the clit, leaving your lips covering the top. Move your tongue in and out of her cunt. If your fingers are inside, move them a little too, gently though, things are extremely sensitive just now.
If you play your cards right, you'll get some multiple orgasms this way. A woman stays excited for a full hour after she's had an orgasm. Do you realize the full impact of that information? The potential? One woman was clocked at 56 orgasms at one sitting. Do you know what effect you would have on a woman you gave 56 orgasms to? She'd be yours as long as you wanted her.
The last advice I have for you is this: After you've made her come, make her your slave by giving her the best head she's ever had, don't leave her alone just yet. Talk to her, stroke her body, caress her breasts. Keep making love to her quietly until she's come all the way down. A man can get off and go to sleep in the same breath and feel no remorse, no sense of loss. But a woman by nature requires some sensitivity from her lover in those first few moments after sex.
Oral sex can be the most exciting sexual experiences you can have. But it's what you make it. Take your time, practice often, pay attention to your lover's signals, and most of all, enjoy yourself.
Female Oral Sex Techniques
TASTE:
In my experience, one of the main reasons that partners avoid female oral sex is due to a percieved or even experienced poor taste. While it is true that women run the range from pleasant (tasty!) to sour or uric tasting, there are easy steps to ensure that your partner will be tasting her sweetest.
First and most obviously, a good vigorous shower will do much to neutralize the taste of your partner. In fact, oral sex in the shower, while not a favorite method of mine, has a completely neutral taste if you stick to the upper regions of your partner's sex. If your partner has not showered recently, or has physically exerted herself recently, her taste will be much stronger. This, however, can be a good thing!
Secondly, foreplay will improve upon both the taste and the experience in general if your can get her juices flowing. I have never found an extremely aroused, wet woman to taste unpleasant. Quite the contrary!
FOREPLAY:
Do it! Take your time! Have fun! Experiment! A common male misunderstanding is that females are aroused most through physical contact. Not true. I have aroused women greatly simply by acting sexy. Tension is a wonderful tool, use it. If you can build tension to the point where the barest touch sends electric shivers through both of you, you can't lose! Similarly, even the best love techniques will not turn on a woman who isn't in the mood. (If you can get her in the mood, well then you're talking.)
Take your time, explore your partner (there's a lot more there than nipples and a clitoris!), build tension, have fun.
POSITIONS:
There are two basic positions that I have found very versitile and succesful. For a very comfortable session, have her lie on her back with legs spread and knees bent slightly. Lie on your stomach between her legs, put your right arm under her left leg and your left arm under her right - somewhat of an intimate hug. Now you should find your head situated conveniently and comfortably near the center of your attention.
Less comfortable, but a bit wilder is the following. Lie on your back, prop a couple of pillows (or fold one over) under your head. Have your partner kneel facing you with one knee on each side of your head, above your shoulders. The sexy part of this position (IMHO) is that your partner can look down at you and watch you eating her out. (Yum) Versatility and comfort are reduced for the giver, so I only occasionally partake in this position.
These are by no means the only positions. Again, experiment, have fun. If you can find a bed where your partner can lie down with her legs dangling off the bed and resting flat on the floor, you're in luck. Now you can have her sit just at the edge of the bed, lie back, and give you plenty of access while you kneel/sit in front of her sex.
GEOGRAPHY:
Woman are very different in some respects of their genitalia, but the major parts are the same. A woman's sex from the oral sex point of view consists of two sets of lips (outer and inner) that meet just below the vaginal opening and some variable distance above the clitoris; the vaginal opening (immediately above the nether meeting of above-mentioned lips), a smooth section of skin between the vaginal opening and the clitoris (I have no clue as to its technical name, hereafter it will be refered to as the "scav") and the clitoris and its surrounding folds.
If you get the chance, explore your partner in a location with decent lighting. Use your hand to spread her sex and explore her, find out what's where and what's what. Like I said earlier, women are different. Especially the location and shape of the clitoris. It can be buried, protruding, surrounded by many folds of flesh, or hanging out it the open. The best method I have found for finding your partner's clitoris (If all else fails, ask!), is to place a finger at the very base of her sex and gently run it up her scav until you feel a slight bump. That's it.
OK, ENOUGH OF THE DETAILS, NOW THE NITTY-GRITTY:
So your partner is showered, excited and f
Troll 92 of 98 from the annals of the Troll Library .
It's called DOOMSDAY you jackass. Just read the headline posted by the impeccable editors. They would NEVER make a mistake.
Getting your moneys worth from $lashdot yet?
ISSUE 1
With the announcement of Slashdot subscriptions, the question becomes "what is the most fucking effective way to fuck Slashdot out of as much fucking money as fucking possible?"
Nested mode.
Nested mode draws a monumental amount of bandwidth compared to Threaded mode, with fewer page views (for subscribers) or banner ads (for non-subscribers)
Let's say that the first page of comments on a heavily-discussed story in threaded mode is 100KB in size. A person reading that story will read some of the sub-level replies to those comments comments, but not all, so let's say he pulls perhaps 200KB of bandwidth maximum, and it will cost him many page views/banner ads. Now, someone viewing that same page in nested mode is entirely likely to pull 500-1000KB, with only a single page view or banner ad. More cost to Slashdot, less income to Slashdot, therefore less PROFIT for Slashdot.
This goes without saying, but we also need to set our thresholds to -1 (yours IS already set to -1, right?), set our "max comment size" to very high (so that gigantic garbage comments display in full), as well as setting "Limit" very high aslo. Crapflooders need to focus more on posting replies to high-rated or early-posted comments instead of (or in addition to) posting top-level comments, because many people don't bother visiting the second page of comments when there's more than one. And we all need to use unkbuster, of course.
Let's summarize:
Threaded mode:
Less bandwidth (small cost for Slashdot)
More page views/ads (large income for Slashdot)
small cost + large income = PROFIT
Nested mode:
More bandwidth (large cost for Slashdot)
Less page views/ads (small income for Slashdot)
large cost + small income = FUCKED
Now, the question becomes, can we cost them more money by subscribing, or by not subscribing? I'd be more than happy to throw $50 at Slashdot if by creative page-loading I could cause it to cost them $100 -- I'd be out $50, but so would they, so I think it'd be worth it. It would definitely do more for the world than throwing $50 at those gay starving African children in Africa. But can we cost them more money by subscribing or by not subscribing?
Most large-scale bandwidth providers charge a few dollars or so per gigabyte. Let's be generous, and say that Slashdot pays $5 per gigabyte. With subscriptions, you pay $5 for 1000 pageviews. Unless your 1000 pageviews average 1.024MB each, Slashdot isn't meeting expenses, they're making a profit. Subscribers will not only be paying their own way, they'll be subsidizing non-subscribers. Slashdot is lying to subscribers, and it's important that potential subscribers know this.
So basically, if you subscribe to Slashdot it's harder to fuck them than if you don't subscribe. So don't subscribe. And encourage your friends not to subscribe
Although this particular message is aimed at trolls / crapflooders / culture jammers / anarchists / discordianists / etc, it's important that we recruit the "normal users" to this crusade without them even knowing what our true purpose is -- just educate them that they'll get better value for their money if they use nested mode (much fewer pageviews than threaded mode, thus their subscription lasts longer), without pointing out to them that this'll also spike Slashdot's bandwidth usage.
In short, encourage subscribes to use NESTED MODE and to lower their thresholds to cut down on the pageviews they spend (actually to increase Slashdot's bandwidth usage)
Once subscribers realize that they can cut their page views down to a fraction by always using only nested mode, Slashdot's bandwidth usage will start to rise and they'll be forced to use larger and more intrusive advertisements to generate more income or make the site even crappier to drive people away to reduce expenses, or both. More intrusive ads will lead to more people joinining the FuckSlashdotNow campaign, or to quit Slashdot, or to merely Junkbuster the ads, fucking Slashdot's income stream further.
Summary:
Trolls / crapflooders / culture jammers / etc / should do this:
1. Junkbuster
2. Use Nested mode, -1 threshold
3. Set max comment size very high.
4. Not subscribe
5. Load as many pages as possible
6. Consume as much bandwidth as possible
7 Load as few advertisements as possible
8. Recruit others to the cause
9. Re-post this message to every thread
10. Rate this comment up whenever you see it posted
11. Stay tuned for more updates.
We should (covertly) encourage non-subscribing normal users to do the following:
1. Not subscribe, because it's not a good value for their money.
2. Use Junkbuster to block banner ads.
We should (covertly) encourage subscribing normal users to do the following:
1. Use Nested mode for the duration of their subscription, so that they'll spend fewer pageviews and get better value for their money.
2. Not resubscribe.
Thanks for reading this first issue of The FuckSlashdotNow Report! I'm currently soliticing ideas for upcoming issues; please e-mail me (e-mail address is in profile) with any comments or suggestions!
ur VARY aprctd fr rdng ths msg, pls fix thx!!!
*EOT*
Troll 91 of 98 from the annals of the Troll Library .
Its DOOMSDAY you jackass. Just read the headline posted by the impeccable editors. They would NEVER make a mistake. Getting your moneys worth from $lashdot yet?
Roger Roger. Whats your vector victor?
Rise like Lions after slumber
In unvanquishable number -
Shake your chains to earth like dew
Which in sleep had fallen on you -
Ye are many - they are few
Kill all moderators that connive against you!
Add this to the Troll Library, fooker.
Troll 90 of 98 from the annals of the Troll Library .
We regret to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have declined to induct your troll into the Troll Library.
You should promise and desire but need to work on your technique.
Thank you for your time and please try again.
We are plesed to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have accepted your troll into the Troll Library.
You show a masterful skill at trolling.
Thank you for your time and your contribution.
We are plesed to inform you that, after careful consideration, we have accepted your troll into the Troll Library.
You show a masterful skill at trolling.
Thank you for your time and your contribution.