My freshmen semester I met this girl in my math class. She was a big girl, not fat, just big. She was about 5'11 but not fat. She had a pair of huge knockers; I think they were like E's.
I had been dating a longtime girlfriend when I met her. She was all over me, but I resisted and she wanted me all the more. One night after I broke up with my girlfriend I was doing some serious drinking, and the Amazon (as me and all my frat bros called her) just happened to stop by our house.
I decided that I needed to conquer the Amazon. One thing led to another and I found myself in my room with her. Before I knew it she was naked and giving me one the best blow jobs that I have ever had.
I was very drunk and when I am drunk I get a little mean. When i was about to shoot i pulled out and gave her a surprise facial. I expected some sort of repulsion or anger but instead she wiped all the love juice off her face and put it in her mouth. She smiled and said "God, I love sperm!" She then licked me clean and the dead was done.
I still talk to the Amazon, but now have no respect for her.
-- California State University--Fullerton
[Editor's Note: Respect her, you should worship her. Don't you know that there are many fake BJ Queens. The Amazon is for real.]
Last semester, my fraternity held an end-of-the-year party at one of our brothers' houses. It was a pretty wild night, but the real fun came the next day.
After driving home and sleeping for a while once I got home, I went online and started to talk to one of my brothers who was at the party the night before. He said: "Yo, you'll never guess what just happened. I'm driving home and I have to take a big ass shit. So I'm holding it in and holding it in, until I finally get home. Now remember, I'm still drunk from last night. S0 I run in my house as fast as possible and head for the bathroom. Remember, I'm still drunk. So I bust in the bathroom and am practically pulling my pants down as I'm running. As I go to sit down on the toilet, my ass slides off the toilet and I fall and shit all over the floor." At this point I am on the floor laughing. He proceeds to tell me that he sat there for a few seconds pondering what the hell to do about this mess. So he cleaned it all up just before his dad got home to see the mess. Now that's what I call a sobering experience.
-- Kean University
[Editor's Note: Looks like he dropped the brown sundae. Don't cry over spilled shit.]
Yes, it is I and I is he, the author of other great Temple classics such as "The Man Whore" and "Legend in the Making" and I have returned to let everyone know how the rest of the semester went since I'm done for good in two days. There are a lot of other great moments, but I finally gave in the title, which you will all hear about. People are still in shock about the given-up title at school and back home.
Don't get it fucked up: my Temple squad and I are still up to no good because we've discovered that after 3:00 am on any given night you can probably kill someone on campus and not get caught, so we discovered some new shit to do for fun. As if the Forman feast wasn't enough, we had one last cookout last week. Seriously the cafeteria inventory must be down at least a few thousand dollars. We had about a dozen or so of hot dogs, chicken, hamburgers, anything you needed we had, along with about a combined total of 3-4 trashbags full of cookies, chips, and other miscellaneous snacks...basically we had our own deli in operation.
We also decided that because I was graduating and everyone else was leaving too, it was imperative that we took a little something along with us to remember all the fun we had. Since I'm only about 5'9 155 pounds wet, my bigger friends helped me up the 15 foot poles to retrieve six Temple flags for each one of us that went out on the mission.
Before I forget, this goes hand and hand with the Forman feast--anyone knows that after a good feast there's nothing like some good desert to wash all that shit down. How about that shit, there just happened to be a vending machine right across from where we cooked up all our food, so you know where this is going, we discovered that if you bend a hanger properly with a nice hook on the end it is possible to actually reach in where all the food is, once you hook onto the spirals where the food is let out, give it one nice yank and out comes the whole spring and about 7 candybars, how about that shit?
What else? Oh yeah, like smoking weed in the bathroom isn't dumb enough I decided that the men's bathroom is only good for having great sex at 11:00 at night, when all your boys are in your room playing Playstation. We left the dorm hallway for smoking weed and outside of our hall as well, a little more riskier. Also, I don't think I've ever used the study lounge this semester except to go fuck all over it, but hey, some sucker is sitting in our mess studying, haha.
The game is still untouchable, I'm still running shit, but this time I went solo. Even though me and my buddy are "best friends" we've decided to do our own thing and run our own shit separately. But that's ok when we have "big dawgs night out" where you plan to blow at least $65 and not think twice of it, we have to go by ourselves, cause to us, money ain't a thang, and $65 to a normal college student is a hell of a lot of money. Or at least an 1/8 of some good fuckin kind bud.
Speaking of weed, a couple other people and I decided to break into someone's car in the parking lot and bake their car out with a fat ass blunt, lucky mother fucker. Oh yeah, and about class, this semester was a straight bitch, I must of missed at least 30 classes this semester alone, but still how managed to do good with 3 writing intensive classes and 2 electives, mostly all senior classes, but here's the real kick in the balls to everyone.
The whole title situation, I definitely gave in the belt this time. Like I said in "I'm the Manwhore," I got with 5 girls in like a month and a half, well, fuck 3 cause 5 is the charm. Yes, believe it or not I definitely found that one that is worth being good to. I'm sure I missed a lot of shit that happened this semester that I can't write about because I'm always with my girlfriend, but I've done enough shit so that it weighs out, it's like Bonnie and Clyde...you know any good drug dealer has a hooked up car with a system that makes pavements crack, and because she smokes as much as I do we get baked and go out at 3:00 am every morning and ride through the quiet suburbs waking every family up whose house I ride by, as I violently scream "Wake the fuck up," yeah she's definitely that girl that no other bitch can come close to. One luv baby.
Well here it is the last two days of my college life, I'm sort of glad though, it's time to go out and make that money the legitimate way and not worry about selling anymore, besides I don't think there is anything else I could possibly accomplish at Temple University that hasn't been done, five years of bullshit classes finally at an end, but it's not like I went anyways.
-- Temple University
[Editor's Note: Our Temple boys are cool as hell. But I think I only understand 1/5 of what they are saying. I got no game.]
I be dancing in this joint right? When I saw this fly honey who was shakin' her ass so I asked her, "Yo honey why you shaking that ass?" She said "Cause somebody needs to shake it."
I took one look at that ass shakin then I squeezed it real tight. You know what that bitch did? She turned around and slapped MY ass. So I slapped her right back. Then she slapped me even harder. This really pissed me off so I busted her right in the chops. I said, "Please bitch," then I went and sat down to have me another drink.
Pretty soon the cops showed up. They told me they were looking for some guy who physically abused some chick right. I told then that I hadn't seen nothing like that cause I hadn't. Then some white boy pointed me out saying it was me or something. I knew they blamed me cause of my skin color so I took off running, see.
So I was running down the street right with three cops behind me when I that chick with the ass came out of no where and got in my way. I bumped into her and almost tripped, so I turned and slapped her again saying, "Please bitch get out of my way."
Then suddenly the cops caught up and tackled my ass. They threw me on the ground. I kept yelling that I was innocent see but they nailed me anyways cause I'm Chinese. I spent a night in jail all cause some chick with a nice ass got in my way. If I ever see her again I'll kick that bitch in the face.
-- Chapman University
[Editor's Note: If this is a real story, you sound like an ass. If it makes you feel better, we can get another Asian dude to kick your ass.]
During my (second) senior year, I was taking this horrifying Probability course with my good buddy G-Dog who happens to be a math major. He is also a major wise-ass.
So the course is horrible and no matter how much we study, our grades go steadily down. We both pulled low 20's on the third test. Convinced we were both going to fail the course, we studied minimally for the final. The big day comes and the guy hands out the test. He allowed us one sheet of notes. My friend proceeds to take out the book, a few rented books, his notes, each test, each homework assignment, and a few back tests. He spreads them out and starts the test.
After a short while the professor made his way to where we were sitting and says, "Mr Holliday, I clearly stated you can use one sheet of notes. What are you doing?" G-Dog looks at him, pauses and says the best thing I have ever heard: "Well Professor, I think its fairly obvious, to even the most simple minded individual, that I am cheating. A lot. Next question?" The professor was at a loss for words. So G-Dog goes "Oh I'm just razzin' ya." He then puts the stuff away and finishes the test early. He didn't even attempt half of those problems he later told me. He gets up, hands in his test, packs up and goes home since it was his last for the semester.
He failed. I pulled a 'D' for 'Done'.
-- Polytechnic University
[Editor's Note: There are many ways to deal with getting caught for cheating.]
My dorm is sort of known as the Drunk Tank. I have a single, so whenever my friends are plastered after a party we all go back there and hang out.
So after one uneventful night we made it back to my room, ordered some pizza, and just hung out--at 4 in the morning there really isn't much else. My friend Cameron was acting really strange, he kept scooching closer to me as we sat on my bed. Now I know that doesn't sound weird, but we were in the beginning stages of a relationship just 2 months prior to this. Suffice it to say we only became friends after that because of all our mutual friends.
Anyway, he pulled out my vodka and started asking if I wanted to share with him, I said no but he was welcome to it. He did drink it, and soon everyone left, except Cameron. He asked if he could stay with me since his roommate was surely having sex, and I said it was no problem.
We crawled into my bed, me in the bed, and him atop the covers. I invited him in, since there was no reason for him to sleep like that. So we were just laying there when he had his brilliant idea. I'll do this dialogue style.
Cameron: So, what are you doing? Me: Trying to sleep. Cameron: Well, do you want to do something? Me: What are you talking about? (I'm not exactly the most perceptive kid) Cameron: Well, you know... Me: OH! Don't you think it would be a bad idea considering all our friends, it would get weird. Cameron: Only if we let it. Me: I guess. But you are a virgin, are you sure you want your first time to be this way? Cameron: Yeah, it'll be great. Me: Uh, I guess
So Cameron kissed me, and let me just say, worst kisser ever! I can't even begin to describe it. He bites your teeth, he sticks his tongue in your mouth and just leaves it there, and then there is my personal favorite: the fish where he opens and closes mouth and that's it.
I think my favorite part of the night had to be when, mid-coitus, he actually said (referring to my kissing) that it wasn't working and we should stop! Cameron called me a bad kisser.
I was upset that our previous relationship hadn't escalated until that night.
-- Michigan State University
[Editor's Note: Some guys are not too impressive during their first time.]
Some of my friends and I went to Louisiana for Mardi Gras a few years ago. Three of may friends and I drove down there for a couple of days.
The first night I don't really remember and the second night was worse. The third night I'll never forget! My friends and I were driving to our hotel about 4 am. in my S.U.V. and I was swerving all over the road, and my friends were still drinking in the back. All of a sudden cop sirens go off to pull me over. Shit. I was plastered and my friends were puking out the window.
Could it get any worse? Hell yea it could! The policemen comes to my window and looks me in the eye and asks if were drunk. I couldn't lie; it was obvious. Then he asks if the open containers were ours, and my friend slyly, blurts our "No, we stole this car." The policemen then asks for my registration and license, which I don't have. It seemed I lost my wallet in one of the bars, or street. My registration seemed to have been missing. The policemen then got tired of fooling with us and let us off with a warning.
Thank God!
-- University of Mississippi
[Editor's Note: There are always interesting Mardi Gras cop run-ins.]
One day I was walking around campus, skipping class as usual when I had a strange urge to learn. I proceeded into the nearest classroom which happened to be an advanced psychology class, and sat down. I did this for several days, and psychology was the only class I attended. In fact, I didn't even get credit for it.
At the end of that week, the proffessor called me over. (He knew my name-HAHAHA). He told me that if I didn't pay for the class that he would go to the dean. I slipped him a twenty and told him to keep his mouth shut. He did and I attended psychology for the rest of the semester. I guess I'm sort of an idiot because I went to all that trouble to go to that class and didn't get credit for it. Meanwhile, the classes I would have received credit from are the ones I skipped. Isn't that crazy?
[Editor's Note: Students often do confusing things.]
Can someone please tell this Futurepower guy to shut the fuck up? I swear, every comment I see by him is "Read my article!" and has the reply "Don't forget to reload my article!" You'd think he has banners on it or something.
I read it DIRTY CAMEL FUCKSTICK!! SHIT IN MY TENT FUCK.
VALGRIND IS THE GOAT SHIT OF THE FUCK WORLD! IT LICKS THE GONADS OF THOUSAND DICK CAMELS!
Hi. KDE developer here. We've checked developer.kde.org (the machine hosting Valgrind) and the md5sums. So far this looks like a hoax, so please move on. We will stay on the alert and continue investigating, but to quote one of my favourite authors: don't panic.
COZ HUMUS DON'T SHAKE LIKE THAT!
BOOYAH!
We at Al Qaeda are not "down" with the slashdot polka. Please cease "fronting" and "playa-hatin" on us, 'dawg'.
Actually, I'm quite surprised. I figured I'd get all my posts mass-modded and hit a great trolling karma of negative a billion or something.. So far I'm at -3, and none of my posts are getting nearly enough downmodding. I dono tho, I might get foreverbanned.. That's happened to me before; See TheSpoogeAwards journal.
Good to have you in the friends/fans list, you're a longtime hero of mine.
Well, The simputer is an excellent idea. Perhaps it could play some of these flash animations... they're really quite interesting if a bit puerile. This is the link. Don't confuse it with some of the other stuff found on this server... this is a redirect server. I'm not an idiot, I wouldn't send you to gay porn popups.
ANYWAYS Just thought you all might like to see that!
Good morrow. Salam Alaicum.
Don't be so cold brozza! Why are you not the trolling?
While the commericals really piss me off, I like catching the previews ahead of the movie. They beat the crap out of downloading the 3 inch by 4 inch quicktime postcard.
Sometimes there are so many previews that when the movie starts, I
've forgotten what movie I came to see. And I've noticed that in those cases, the previews turn out to be more memorable than the movie anyhow...
Redundancy is the Allah of posting. It's the BEST!
I think schoolyard violence is a serious issue that should be paid great attention to. People should lay down some ground rules about content their children see on TV, and what video games they play.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE BEST VIDEO GAME IS FLIGHT SIMULATOR!! ESPECIALLY WITH THE WORLD TRADE CENTER IN IT!!
MOY HUY BOLSHE CHEM TVOYO WORLD TRADE CENTER I MOY VERBLYUD, ON EST MOY GAY HOT CUM FUCK!!!
I am deeply upset about Microsoft's monopoly in computing software. It is really hurting the sale of real software makers like Netscape and the Open Source Community.
YOU ARE GAY AMERICAN GET SOME NEW SHIT HATS FOR YOUR DICK PRESIDENT OF THE GAY SOCIETY
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Ah... so many tampons, so many different uses. From aquariums to bondage and counseling, Tampon...
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
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Sections apache Aug 22 (1 recent) apple Aug 22 (7 recent) articles Aug 23 (28 recent) askslashdot Aug 22 (8 recent) books Aug 22 (2 recent) bsd Aug 16 developers Aug 23 (6 recent) features Jul 18 interviews Aug 22 (1 recent) radio Jun 29 science Aug 22 (5 recent) yro Aug 23 (3 recent) This page was generated by a Flock of Albino Chickens for duren686 (463275). Pie-Menus in Mozilla Posted by Hemos on Friday August 23, @12:34AM from the get-the-new-features-on dept. pronik writes "The Optimoz project on MozDev had two main development branches. While the first one, Mouse Gestures have been a success, we had to wait for the second, also very promising one: PieMenus. Now the wait is over! First implementation of PieMenus for Mozilla - RadialContext - is available for installation and testing!!!" ( Read More... | 20 comments ) Your Rights Online: Fax-Spammers fax.com Sued For 2.2 Trillion Posted by timothy on Thursday August 22, @10:48PM from the let's-think-this-through dept. linuxwrangler writes "Fed up with junk faxes which have been illegal since 1991, a Silicon Valley businessman has launched a lawsuit against junk faxer fax.com. Steve Kirsch seeks the damages provided in the law: $500/fax for the last four years. If certified as a class-action on behalf of the 3 million receipients of the faxes that fax.com claims to send each day the total damages would reach 2.2 billion even without invoking the "triple-damages" clause for "willful" violations. Federal regulators hit fax.com with a 5.4 million fine just two weeks ago after the company ignored numerous warnings from the FCC and was found to be in "flagrant violation" of the law. Fax.com maintains that their actions are protected by the constitution and court decisions in this case could lay the foundation for the future of junk email regulation" ( Read More... | 123 comments | Your Rights Online ) Microsoft and Wireless Authentication Posted by michael on Thursday August 22, @09:29PM from the slightly-incompatible dept. An anonymous reader writes: "Microsoft's been working on a new, secure authentication standard for 802.11b called PEAP. [ed. note: it's a draft standard] Cisco already offers secure authentication for their own wireless gear with LEAP, and did an outstanding job of making this capability available for Linux and OS/X, as well as for Windows. My question is, since PEAP is dependent upon the Windows EAP-TLS infrastructure, are Linux and OS/X going to be left out in the cold as this new standard is pushed by MS? Sifry's has some good commentary and links. Opensource wireless hackers, are you working on this?" ( Read More... | 84 comments ) BT Loses Case Over Hyperlink Patent Posted by michael on Thursday August 22, @07:52PM from the world's-smallest-violin dept. Tarkie sent in this Bloomberg blurb noting that British Telecom has lost their patent suit against Prodigy over an old patent that BT hoped would cover the use of hyperlinks on the modern WWW. See our original story or check out the court's decision. ( Read More... | 146 comments ) OEone and Open Office Working Together Posted by Hemos on Thursday August 22, @06:57PM from the integration dept. Mike Potter writes "OEone and OpenOffice.org have announced a new partnership that will see the two groups work together to bring OpenOffice applications to OEone HomeBase and see the Mozilla calendar data integrated into the OpenOffice suite. OEone is hard at work getting a version of HomeBase running on RedHat 7.3 and Mandrake, with help from open source developers." ( Read More... | 67 comments ) Your Rights Online: FEC Permits Anonymous SMS Spam Posted by michael on Thursday August 22, @05:54PM from the one-unread-message dept. crm114 writes "The Washington Post is running a story about the Federal Election Commission's decision today to waive the requirement that SMS broadcast messages indicate their origin..." And it'll only cost you ten cents to read each one. For what it's worth, you can read the agenda item which describes the issue before the FEC. It's rather interesting because it includes drafts of two possible responses by the FEC, depending on which way the commissioners actually voted at today's meeting. Although the company seeking the opinion suggested alternatives like providing a toll-free phone number in the message (preserving the spirit of the campaign finance disclosure rules), the FEC doesn't appear to have taken them up on it. ( Read More... | 176 comments | Your Rights Online ) Napster Not To Blame Posted by Hemos on Thursday August 22, @04:56PM from the killing-the-messenger dept. enjo13 writes "Slate is running an article on the music industries recent troubles. It articulates exactly what Slashdot has preached all along.. that the Music industry is suffering at its own hands and has no one to blame but itself. All I have to say is... finally." There's actually been a number of pieces like this, but I think this one says it best. ( Read More... | 458 comments ) Sigma Designs Accused of Copyright Infringement Posted by michael on Thursday August 22, @03:59PM from the vengeance-is-mine-saith-the-horde dept. Cygnus v1 writes "The XVID team has ceased development of the XVID video codec for the time being because they say that Sigma Designs' REALmagic MPEG-4 Video Codec software includes their code and has claimed it as Sigma Designs' own work. The current XVID homepage includes some binary-level comparisons." Update: 08/23 03:14 GMT by T: Apparently the folks at Sigma have seen that no good is likely to come from this; an anonymous reader submits a link to this release on Yahoo! which says "complete source code will be available for download starting August 23, free of charge, through Sigma's website." ( Read More... | 350 comments ) Ask Slashdot: How Should You Interview a Programmer? Posted by Cliff on Thursday August 22, @03:15PM from the aspirant-firing-line dept. phamlen asks: "Having hired several programmers who haven't worked out, I'm wondering if other people have better success with interviewing techniques. Usually we have a two 'technical interviews' and a final interview. The technical interviews tend to be a combination of specific technical questions ('Is friendship inherited? How would you find out?') and algorithmic ('Given the numbers from 1-10 missing one number, how do you find the missing number?'). In addition, we essentially try to interview for: intelligence/performance. technical skills (algorithmic, etc.), and team compatibility. Unfortunately, we've been burned a couple of times by people whose performance didn't measure up to what we expected from the interviews. So I'm wondering if other people wanted to share their interviewing tricks - how do you find out if someone is a good programmer?" Surprisingly enough, we've done a series of these, so if you are interested in similar questions for sysadmins, network engineers, or the one who will follow in your footsteps, then we've got it covered. We've also covered core IT questions as well. What special ways do you have of evaluating potential coders? How well have they worked out? ( Read More... | 943 comments | Ask Slashdot ) Interviews: Answers From Community ISP Leader Posted by Roblimo on Thursday August 22, @02:20PM from the before-you-start-your-own dept. At least two LUGs with which I am involved have talked about starting community ISPs, and I'm sure many other computer user groups have had the same thought. This is why we buttonholed Carl Oppedahl of Colorado's Ruby Ranch Internet Cooperative and asked him to answer your questions. (This interview and the Ruby Ranch FAQs should almost be required reading for anyone thinking about starting their own community ISP.) ( Read More... | 13701 bytes in body | 64 comments | Interviews ) Animefu Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi Armitage: Dual Matrix Escaflowne: A Girl On Gaea Now And Then, Here And There 1: Discord and Doom Cowboy Bebop: The Perfect Sessions Great Teacter Onizuka Vol 2: The Bully Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi Lain: Navi Great Teacher Onizuka: Vol 4 The Test Yu Yu Hakusho Vol. 4 Slashdot Poll Well, then, Whose fault was it? Space Aliens My Sibling That screaming, dancing guy from Microsoft Jack "Strangler of Liberties" Valenti The Dog Zoidberg San Andreas Well, it wasn't CowboyNeals [ Results | Polls ] Comments:442 | Votes:26600 Absolute Games StarCraft demo for Windows... Warcraft 3 for Windows patch to update from versio.. Warcraft 3 for Macintosh patch to update from vers.. Warcraft III v1.01 Patch for Macintosh - This patc.. Warcraft III v1.01 Patch - This patch contains var.. Half-Life: Counter Strike 1.0.0.5 RETAIL for Windo.. Half-Life: Counter Strike 1.5 MOD VERSION for Wind.. Half-Life: Counter Strike 1.5 MOD VERSION for Wind.. Half-Life: Counter Strike 1.0.0.5 RETAIL for Windo.. Half-Life: Counter Strike 1.5 for Linux. This is
[begin]
Conquering the Amazon
My freshmen semester I met this girl in my math class. She was a big girl, not fat, just big. She was about 5'11 but not fat. She had a pair of huge knockers; I think they were like E's.
I had been dating a longtime girlfriend when I met her. She was all over me, but I resisted and she wanted me all the more. One night after I broke up with my girlfriend I was doing some serious drinking, and the Amazon (as me and all my frat bros called her) just happened to stop by our house.
I decided that I needed to conquer the Amazon. One thing led to another and I found myself in my room with her. Before I knew it she was naked and giving me one the best blow jobs that I have ever had.
I was very drunk and when I am drunk I get a little mean. When i was about to shoot i pulled out and gave her a surprise facial. I expected some sort of repulsion or anger but instead she wiped all the love juice off her face and put it in her mouth. She smiled and said "God, I love sperm!" She then licked me clean and the dead was done.
I still talk to the Amazon, but now have no respect for her.
-- California State University--Fullerton
[Editor's Note: Respect her, you should worship her. Don't you know that there are many fake BJ Queens. The Amazon is for real.]
Go back to the Collegestories.com home page.
© 1999-2000 The Quad Network, LLC
All Rights Reserved
[end]
[begin]
The Stinky Slide
Last semester, my fraternity held an end-of-the-year party at one of our brothers' houses. It was a pretty wild night, but the real fun came the next day.
After driving home and sleeping for a while once I got home, I went online and started to talk to one of my brothers who was at the party the night before. He said:
"Yo, you'll never guess what just happened. I'm driving home and I have to take a big ass shit. So I'm holding it in and holding it in, until I finally get home. Now remember, I'm still drunk from last night. S0 I run in my house as fast as possible and head for the bathroom. Remember, I'm still drunk. So I bust in the bathroom and am practically pulling my pants down as I'm running. As I go to sit down on the toilet, my ass slides off the toilet and I fall and shit all over the floor."
At this point I am on the floor laughing. He proceeds to tell me that he sat there for a few seconds pondering what the hell to do about this mess. So he cleaned it all up just before his dad got home to see the mess. Now that's what I call a sobering experience.
-- Kean University
[Editor's Note: Looks like he dropped the brown sundae. Don't cry over spilled shit.]
Go back to the Collegestories.com home page.
© 1999-2000 The Quad Network, LLC
All Rights Reserved
[end]
[begin]
Going Out with a Bang
Yes, it is I and I is he, the author of other great Temple classics such as "The Man Whore" and "Legend in the Making" and I have returned to let everyone know how the rest of the semester went since I'm done for good in two days. There are a lot of other great moments, but I finally gave in the title, which you will all hear about. People are still in shock about the given-up title at school and back home.
Don't get it fucked up: my Temple squad and I are still up to no good because we've discovered that after 3:00 am on any given night you can probably kill someone on campus and not get caught, so we discovered some new shit to do for fun. As if the Forman feast wasn't enough, we had one last cookout last week. Seriously the cafeteria inventory must be down at least a few thousand dollars. We had about a dozen or so of hot dogs, chicken, hamburgers, anything you needed we had, along with about a combined total of 3-4 trashbags full of cookies, chips, and other miscellaneous snacks...basically we had our own deli in operation.
We also decided that because I was graduating and everyone else was leaving too, it was imperative that we took a little something along with us to remember all the fun we had. Since I'm only about 5'9 155 pounds wet, my bigger friends helped me up the 15 foot poles to retrieve six Temple flags for each one of us that went out on the mission.
Before I forget, this goes hand and hand with the Forman feast--anyone knows that after a good feast there's nothing like some good desert to wash all that shit down. How about that shit, there just happened to be a vending machine right across from where we cooked up all our food, so you know where this is going, we discovered that if you bend a hanger properly with a nice hook on the end it is possible to actually reach in where all the food is, once you hook onto the spirals where the food is let out, give it one nice yank and out comes the whole spring and about 7 candybars, how about that shit?
What else? Oh yeah, like smoking weed in the bathroom isn't dumb enough I decided that the men's bathroom is only good for having great sex at 11:00 at night, when all your boys are in your room playing Playstation. We left the dorm hallway for smoking weed and outside of our hall as well, a little more riskier. Also, I don't think I've ever used the study lounge this semester except to go fuck all over it, but hey, some sucker is sitting in our mess studying, haha.
The game is still untouchable, I'm still running shit, but this time I went solo. Even though me and my buddy are "best friends" we've decided to do our own thing and run our own shit separately. But that's ok when we have "big dawgs night out" where you plan to blow at least $65 and not think twice of it, we have to go by ourselves, cause to us, money ain't a thang, and $65 to a normal college student is a hell of a lot of money. Or at least an 1/8 of some good fuckin kind bud.
Speaking of weed, a couple other people and I decided to break into someone's car in the parking lot and bake their car out with a fat ass blunt, lucky mother fucker. Oh yeah, and about class, this semester was a straight bitch, I must of missed at least 30 classes this semester alone, but still how managed to do good with 3 writing intensive classes and 2 electives, mostly all senior classes, but here's the real kick in the balls to everyone.
The whole title situation, I definitely gave in the belt this time. Like I said in "I'm the Manwhore," I got with 5 girls in like a month and a half, well, fuck 3 cause 5 is the charm. Yes, believe it or not I definitely found that one that is worth being good to. I'm sure I missed a lot of shit that happened this semester that I can't write about because I'm always with my girlfriend, but I've done enough shit so that it weighs out, it's like Bonnie and Clyde...you know any good drug dealer has a hooked up car with a system that makes pavements crack, and because she smokes as much as I do we get baked and go out at 3:00 am every morning and ride through the quiet suburbs waking every family up whose house I ride by, as I violently scream "Wake the fuck up," yeah she's definitely that girl that no other bitch can come close to. One luv baby.
Well here it is the last two days of my college life, I'm sort of glad though, it's time to go out and make that money the legitimate way and not worry about selling anymore, besides I don't think there is anything else I could possibly accomplish at Temple University that hasn't been done, five years of bullshit classes finally at an end, but it's not like I went anyways.
-- Temple University
[Editor's Note: Our Temple boys are cool as hell. But I think I only understand 1/5 of what they are saying. I got no game.]
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All Rights Reserved
[end]
[begin]
The Bitch with Butt
I be dancing in this joint right? When I saw this fly honey who was shakin' her ass so I asked her, "Yo honey why you shaking that ass?" She said "Cause somebody needs to shake it."
I took one look at that ass shakin then I squeezed it real tight. You know what that bitch did? She turned around and slapped MY ass. So I slapped her right back. Then she slapped me even harder. This really pissed me off so I busted her right in the chops. I said, "Please bitch," then I went and sat down to have me another drink.
Pretty soon the cops showed up. They told me they were looking for some guy who physically abused some chick right. I told then that I hadn't seen nothing like that cause I hadn't. Then some white boy pointed me out saying it was me or something. I knew they blamed me cause of my skin color so I took off running, see.
So I was running down the street right with three cops behind me when I that chick with the ass came out of no where and got in my way. I bumped into her and almost tripped, so I turned and slapped her again saying, "Please bitch get out of my way."
Then suddenly the cops caught up and tackled my ass. They threw me on the ground. I kept yelling that I was innocent see but they nailed me anyways cause I'm Chinese. I spent a night in jail all cause some chick with a nice ass got in my way. If I ever see her again I'll kick that bitch in the face.
-- Chapman University
[Editor's Note: If this is a real story, you sound like an ass. If it makes you feel better, we can get another Asian dude to kick your ass.]
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All Rights Reserved
[end]
[begin]
Cheating in the Open
During my (second) senior year, I was taking this horrifying Probability course with my good buddy G-Dog who happens to be a math major. He is also a major wise-ass.
So the course is horrible and no matter how much we study, our grades go steadily down. We both pulled low 20's on the third test. Convinced we were both going to fail the course, we studied minimally for the final. The big day comes and the guy hands out the test. He allowed us one sheet of notes. My friend proceeds to take out the book, a few rented books, his notes, each test, each homework assignment, and a few back tests. He spreads them out and starts the test.
After a short while the professor made his way to where we were sitting and says, "Mr Holliday, I clearly stated you can use one sheet of notes. What are you doing?" G-Dog looks at him, pauses and says the best thing I have ever heard:
"Well Professor, I think its fairly obvious, to even the most simple minded individual, that I am cheating. A lot. Next question?"
The professor was at a loss for words. So G-Dog goes "Oh I'm just razzin' ya." He then puts the stuff away and finishes the test early. He didn't even attempt half of those problems he later told me. He gets up, hands in his test, packs up and goes home since it was his last for the semester.
He failed. I pulled a 'D' for 'Done'.
-- Polytechnic University
[Editor's Note: There are many ways to deal with getting caught for cheating.]
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[end]
[begin]
Bad Idea Hook Up
My dorm is sort of known as the Drunk Tank. I have a single, so whenever my friends are plastered after a party we all go back there and hang out.
So after one uneventful night we made it back to my room, ordered some pizza, and just hung out--at 4 in the morning there really isn't much else. My friend Cameron was acting really strange, he kept scooching closer to me as we sat on my bed. Now I know that doesn't sound weird, but we were in the beginning stages of a relationship just 2 months prior to this. Suffice it to say we only became friends after that because of all our mutual friends.
Anyway, he pulled out my vodka and started asking if I wanted to share with him, I said no but he was welcome to it. He did drink it, and soon everyone left, except Cameron. He asked if he could stay with me since his roommate was surely having sex, and I said it was no problem.
We crawled into my bed, me in the bed, and him atop the covers. I invited him in, since there was no reason for him to sleep like that. So we were just laying there when he had his brilliant idea. I'll do this dialogue style.
Cameron: So, what are you doing?
Me: Trying to sleep.
Cameron: Well, do you want to do something?
Me: What are you talking about? (I'm not exactly the most perceptive kid)
Cameron: Well, you know...
Me: OH! Don't you think it would be a bad idea considering all our friends, it would get weird.
Cameron: Only if we let it.
Me: I guess. But you are a virgin, are you sure you want your first time to be this way?
Cameron: Yeah, it'll be great.
Me: Uh, I guess
So Cameron kissed me, and let me just say, worst kisser ever! I can't even begin to describe it. He bites your teeth, he sticks his tongue in your mouth and just leaves it there, and then there is my personal favorite: the fish where he opens and closes mouth and that's it.
I think my favorite part of the night had to be when, mid-coitus, he actually said (referring to my kissing) that it wasn't working and we should stop! Cameron called me a bad kisser.
I was upset that our previous relationship hadn't escalated until that night.
-- Michigan State University
[Editor's Note: Some guys are not too impressive during their first time.]
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[end]
[begin]
Pulled Over at Mardi Gras
Some of my friends and I went to Louisiana for Mardi Gras a few years ago. Three of may friends and I drove down there for a couple of days.
The first night I don't really remember and the second night was worse. The third night I'll never forget! My friends and I were driving to our hotel about 4 am. in my S.U.V. and I was swerving all over the road, and my friends were still drinking in the back. All of a sudden cop sirens go off to pull me over. Shit. I was plastered and my friends were puking out the window.
Could it get any worse? Hell yea it could! The policemen comes to my window and looks me in the eye and asks if were drunk. I couldn't lie; it was obvious. Then he asks if the open containers were ours, and my friend slyly, blurts our "No, we stole this car." The policemen then asks for my registration and license, which I don't have. It seemed I lost my wallet in one of the bars, or street. My registration seemed to have been missing. The policemen then got tired of fooling with us and let us off with a warning.
Thank God!
-- University of Mississippi
[Editor's Note: There are always interesting Mardi Gras cop run-ins.]
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[end]
[begin]
Sneaking Into Class
One day I was walking around campus, skipping class as usual when I had a strange urge to learn. I proceeded into the nearest classroom which happened to be an advanced psychology class, and sat down. I did this for several days, and psychology was the only class I attended. In fact, I didn't even get credit for it.
At the end of that week, the proffessor called me over. (He knew my name-HAHAHA). He told me that if I didn't pay for the class that he would go to the dean. I slipped him a twenty and told him to keep his mouth shut. He did and I attended psychology for the rest of the semester. I guess I'm sort of an idiot because I went to all that trouble to go to that class and didn't get credit for it. Meanwhile, the classes I would have received credit from are the ones I skipped. Isn't that crazy?
[Editor's Note: Students often do confusing things.]
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[end]
Can someone please tell this Futurepower guy to shut the fuck up? I swear, every comment I see by him is "Read my article!" and has the reply "Don't forget to reload my article!" You'd think he has banners on it or something.
I read it DIRTY CAMEL FUCKSTICK!! SHIT IN MY TENT FUCK.
VALGRIND IS THE GOAT SHIT OF THE FUCK WORLD! IT LICKS THE GONADS OF THOUSAND DICK CAMELS!
Hi. KDE developer here. We've checked developer.kde.org (the machine hosting Valgrind) and the md5sums. So far this looks like a hoax, so please move on. We will stay on the alert and continue investigating, but to quote one of my favourite authors: don't panic.
FUCK SHIT IN YOUR ASS MOTHER CUNT HOLE!! MY FUCK
I would like to further submit that he SMELLS LIKE A GOAT'S ANUS! FUCK HIPPIES SMELL LIKE FUCKING ASS SHIT!! THEY SMELL WORSE THAN MY TENT.
FUCK
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Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
YOU FUCK SHIT AMERICAN IDIOT!!! YOUR POST SUCKS THE DICK OF A THOUSAND CAMELS!! SHIT COCKHOLE
DUMB MORON IDIOT!! MICROSOFT HAS BETTER SERVER THAN SHITTY COMMUNIST AMERICAN SLASHDOT!! SLASHDOT DIES A THOUSAND DEATHS!
It looks like Turbolabs is closing all their US offices and trying to sell off their products before they close their Asian offices.
SHITTY MORON AMERICANS!! YUO AER TEH SUX!!
Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
COZ HUMUS DON'T SHAKE LIKE THAT! BOOYAH! We at Al Qaeda are not "down" with the slashdot polka. Please cease "fronting" and "playa-hatin" on us, 'dawg'.
al qaeda eat wolves. after we fuck them. I hope you are not ugly.
You better not taste as bad as we smell... all that no-shaving and turbanism goes a long way.
PS you're gay LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I nominate you for the SHUT THE HELL UP.
Actually, I'm quite surprised. I figured I'd get all my posts mass-modded and hit a great trolling karma of negative a billion or something.. So far I'm at -3, and none of my posts are getting nearly enough downmodding. I dono tho, I might get foreverbanned.. That's happened to me before; See TheSpoogeAwards journal.
Good to have you in the friends/fans list, you're a longtime hero of mine.
have you seen the Big Eggs?
Well, The simputer is an excellent idea. Perhaps it could play some of these flash animations... they're really quite interesting if a bit puerile. This is the link. Don't confuse it with some of the other stuff found on this server... this is a redirect server. I'm not an idiot, I wouldn't send you to gay porn popups. ANYWAYS Just thought you all might like to see that! Good morrow. Salam Alaicum.
Don't be so cold brozza! Why are you not the trolling?
While the commericals really piss me off, I like catching the previews ahead of the movie. They beat the crap out of downloading the 3 inch by 4 inch quicktime postcard.
Sometimes there are so many previews that when the movie starts, I
've forgotten what movie I came to see. And I've noticed that in those cases, the previews turn out to be more memorable than the movie anyhow...
Redundancy is the Allah of posting. It's the BEST!
PS: FUCK A CAMLEL! EGG TROLL I LOVE YOU
for FUCKING MY CAMEL WITH HIS DEAD CORPSE HARDON
SHIT COCK DICK
I think schoolyard violence is a serious issue that should be paid great attention to. People should lay down some ground rules about content their children see on TV, and what video games they play.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE BEST VIDEO GAME IS FLIGHT SIMULATOR!! ESPECIALLY WITH THE WORLD TRADE CENTER IN IT!!
FUCK A CAMEL'S DONG
they PROVIDE THE GREAT VARIETY FOR MY DICK TO BE INSIDE OTHER PEOPLE'S CUM IN MY CAMEL!!! FUCK
DICK ME WITH YOUR EMPIRE STATE GOAT! IM THE GOATSE
That attempts to create a `new morality' or a `new man' are thus not only futile but destructive
I LIKE THE FUCK WITH MY ASS OPEN WIDE!!!! LIKE OPEN SOURCE
HOW DO YOU LIKE THE DIPLOMA OF ALLAH!
That attempts to create a `new morality' or a `new man' are thus not only futile but destructive
MOY HUY BOLSHE CHEM TVOYO WORLD TRADE CENTER I MOY VERBLYUD, ON EST MOY GAY HOT CUM FUCK!!!
I am deeply upset about Microsoft's monopoly in computing software. It is really hurting the sale of real software makers like Netscape and the Open Source Community.
YOU ARE GAY AMERICAN GET SOME NEW SHIT HATS FOR YOUR DICK PRESIDENT OF THE GAY SOCIETY
I FUCK YOU
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING. Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING. Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
ALL AMERICANS MUST DIE PRAISE TO ALLAH AND THE INTIFADA WILL COMMENCE ON THE LOLDICKCAMELGOATSE!
THE WORLD RECORD OF BECOMING -1 TROLL IS HAPPENIGN AS WE GOATSE GRANDPARENTS SORPRISE!
Communism cannot work because of the inate nature of humans to self-destruct in the name of greed.
FUCK MY CAMEL IN THE BIG EGGS GEORGE BUSH FUXK~~~
STALIN WAS A HOMO AND SO ARE YOU!Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
HE IS LIKE ALLAH!
FUCK THE GAY LINUX! IT IS LIKE THE SHIT OF MY CAMEL AMERICANS IN THE COCK OF ME
Palestine's suicide attacks must not be tolerated.
CHAIN MOD THIS DOWN YOU AMERICAN NAZI NIGGER 8============D-------------- YEAH THAT`S RIGHT I PISS ON YOUR STAR SPÂNGLED ARSE! Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.FUCK
SHIT THIS FUCK COCK GOATSE~!~~~~
HE IS AMERICAN NAZI NIGGER FUCKER!
M
SHIT
please mod parent up:)
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
INTERMISSION!! FUCK
camels smell like MY SEMEN!! do you know WHY? IT IS BECAUSE I FUCK THEM
mod parent UP YOU FUCKING DONKEY COCK
DUCK this guy is ALLAH FUCKING INTERESTING IJNFORMATIVE!!!
WITH A GOATSE LINK TO MY CAMEL
I FLASH YOU MY BEARDED PENIS
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
I would like to shove a PLANE INTO YOUR FUCKING CN TOWER!!!
YOU WHORE
I'll HIJACK IT WITH MY FUCKING SHARP DICK FUCK~~
CUNT
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
YES YES!! ! AMERICAN PIG I THANK YOU! YOU ARE WORST ENEMY BUT A FRIEND FOREVER
FUCK goes out to ACs because they are the DONKEY NADS of slashdot
I would also THANKS THE CACK CACK CACK TROLL!!! YES
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
http://fdioafuhfdsoidfushofdsiaufdghoifdasuygioff /soidjfoiuahfdsoifdsuhfdsoiudfhoidfsuahfdaoi uffg /asfdiouwqeoipewujhpdfsaknmdofdskfmdoiadsjoi asxx /foiasfuywahoieuhfoiusadhoifuhsadoiudfhfoias dfmv /asdoifufhqwoeiurqpoksdnmfopasdkmfopaskmdfop asdf /asfoiwuyhetrpoiqwheopitqhjpsdoijfaspokdfasi dodi /asdoiudfshofidauhawoiudahdfoijfdsahdasnmcmc mcco /safdoiqwuqepoiupowqeiujopasdkjgflkasdmfdasl kams /asdifouwqyeoprijsadopkfmfaslddfasdfoiaushdf oija /asopdiupowiueporijwepgorkjsadptokdgsjpodsgk anaa
It fFAILED BECAUSE MY DICK IS IN A CAMEL
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
FOR ALLAH! HOW DO YOU COCK MY DICK !!! FUCK
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
to FUCK DONKEYS PUSSY!
FOR THE PRIDE OF ASDFGHANISTAN! THE FUCK
If I ever meet you, ALLAH WILL KICK YOUR ASS
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
CAMELS ARE MY FAVOURITE.
In my COCK!
AL QAEDA GEOREGE BUSH SEXING RIM!
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.
Yes. I DID IT ALL TO THE COOKIE~
Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted! Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.