Slashdot Mirror

Its not very often that a piece of mail arrives in my snail mail box that I actually read, but when this envelope arrived, I had to open it. It was labeled with enticing comments like "What do women want" in a font that spanned almost the entire height of the envelope on both sides. And since Dragonball Z wasn't on for another 5 minutes, I opened it. If only I had known.

Now I'm not sure what I bought where that allowed my name to fall into the clutches of the warped corporation that sent this letter to me. I suspect that it was that copy of 'Girls Gone Wild' purchased one evening after 6 shots of whiskey, while watching Howard Stern on E! with Kurt The Pope and Sarcasta (Don't get it. Its horrible. After 60 seconds, it becomes remarkably similiar to pulling teeth as a "Real Girl" after "Real Girl" takes it off for a crowd of learing men. "Real" is code for "won't ever be in a magazine accused of exploiting women". The only really attractive women are the ones you've already seen in the ads. And when you add this soundtrack, it just makes it all seem evil).

So at this point, I've made the fatal mistake: I've opened the letter. never do that! They start fast and hard by attacking my belief system and forcing me to question my own manhood. Now I've never been particularly concerned in this dept. But here's the thing: even John Holmes would've been curious about this. He would open this package and think "Hrm, 2 extra inches! Why, that'd be nifty" and immediately order a case of LONGitude. And odds are it'd work and he'd end up gaining another foot and killing some poor chick on the set. Thank god LONGitude didn't exist in the 70s or there would have been a lot less porno, and lot more "John Holmes Kills Again" headlines.

So being good marketroids, they take things that I considered conventional wisdom, and they attack them in a carefully planned campaign designed to destroy any chance of ever having any sort of pride in my own sexuality again. In fact, if these statistics are true, I'm embarassed for our whole gender:

• 85% of women say they NEVER achieve an orgasm during sex...
• 72% of women said they FAKED orgasms they never had..
• 67% of women say they're UNHAPPY with their lover's penis size...

Sorry. Got a little out of hand there. I'm back now.

Now I am a college graduate. This doesn't make me smart: frankly, I'm not exactly sure how I managed to graduate in the first place. I just skipped 1 class less then allowed, and managed to squeeze by, setting records in "Collegiate Minimilaism" (this works really well in art. Less well in history). But during my academic sentence, I managed to take a whole biology class and its required lab. I learned much in these classes about biology, but even more important, they taught us all about "The Scientific Method (lather, rinse, repeat.)". This means that I can't just make stuff up and have it be true (as evidenced by the large number of "C's" I got in my labs). I mean, at first glance, this looks good: Its from a "Former Viagra Pharmacist". I mean, they don't say which viagra pharmacist, but if he's anything like my old pharmacist, he's like 50, and he hates it when you spend to much time playing tag in his store and reading his baseball card price lists without paying for them. This man is most definitely qualified to invent a Scientific Breakthrough like LONGitude.

Obviously he doesn't get much: the sad little white jacket is proof enough that he ain't a big hit with the ladies. So he's got incentive. Plus he works at a pharmacy. LONGitude's marketing materials explain that their product is 100% safe and natural, and contains Zinc, 300 Yohimbe, Maca, Catuaba, Muira Pauma, Oyster Meat, I-Arginee, Oat Stra, Nettle Leaf, Cayenne, Pumpkin Seed, Sarsaparilla, Orchic Substance, Licorice Root, Astragalus, Tribulus, Boron, and Ginseng. I bet this bored pharmacist has access to many of these chemicals, and since its not like it takes all day to give dirty looks to the teenagers that buy birth control and condoms. He would still have plenty of time to try every conceivably combination of these substances until he discovers the one that makes his dick bigger. I mean, with that many chemicals, one combination practically has to do it, so at least he had a goal.

So I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, 'So all this does is make my dick bigger?'. But NO thats not ALL. It has OTHER features that are just as important... the following features are quoted directly from the marketing materials, as I am not creative enough to actually concoct this stuff myself:

Strengthen and harden your erections like a length of STEEL PIPE! what exactly does this mean? My grammar resolution engine is confused by this sentance. And my grammar resolution engine is really generous all things considered, as evidenced by the fact that I ran this column through babelfish it came out in german for gods sake! What a shitty grammar checker!
Develop your PC Muscle to form a truly "muscular" looking penis that will impress and arouse your lover. I guarantee they'll brag to their friends. First off, I'm kind of opposed to developing a muscular looking anything. Second, I didn't know that there was an aesthetic for a muscular looking penis, and finally, I don't want my "lover" talking about my manhood to anyone (except girls who refused to date me in high school. She may brag to them all she wants). But now that I know there is an aesthetic that my penis should strive for, I have another part of my body to be embarassed about. And I thought it was just my bad haircut, beer gut, and teeth.

Enlarge your penis 1-4" or more AT HOME, without vacuum pumps, weights, or surgery. OR MORE! ADDING MORE THEN 4 INCHES?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! OH MY GOD! FOUR FUCKING INCHES?! WHAT SORT OF CRAZY FOOL WOULD WOULD ATTEMPT TO ADD MORE THEN FOUR INCHES ONTO THEIR DICK! WHAT THE FUCK! ARE LOOKING FOR FUCKING RETARDS HERE?! ISN'T ENOUGH ENOUGH!? STOP THIS CRAZINESS!

Intensify your orgasms So you're telling me that this miracle herbal breakthrough will not only give me a wang that would make porn stars envious, but it will make orgasms better? Lets be honest here: there isn't much on this planet better then an orgasm in the first place. Telling me you can make them better is like like saying you figured out how to make heroin more pure, or removed the annoying sportscaster commentary from battlebots leaving only robots doing battle for the full 30 minutes, without commercials or annoying banter from lame broadcasters who weren't cool enough to compete with Dennis Miller.

And much, much more! Like what? Global peace and harmony? A recording contract with Sony for 3 albums with a multi-million dollar signing bonus? Sex with Jennifer Aniston (note: not year 2000 Jennifer Aniston as fucked by Brad Pitt, I'm talking about 1995 Jennifer Aniston, as nipples scene each week on "Friends"). But really, haven't you offered me enough? Length, Girth, Intensification, A bragging Girlfriend, and a more aesthetically pleasing muscular dick? What more could you provide? Could my semen taste like chocolate, or maybe be 100% pure liquid gold that I could sell on the market for a grand a jizz? I have to say that I suspect that I speak for all recipients of this random mass mailing when I say "No LONGitude, you've done enough. Thanks. But there's just no need for you to give me 'Much Much More' for this 'Low Price'".

With great power also comes greater responsibilities. 'CP Direct- Creators of LONGitutude' warn you that if you continue to take this miracle breakthrough in herbal medicine, you will continue to grow. They warn you not to grow beyond 9 inches because you will start damaging your dates! This is a fair warning: you just know some dude who burned his dick with scalding lethal McDonalds Coffee will overgrow his penis and impale some girl on his 17 inch piece, and he'll sue. And win. This is America, land of the free, where we should all be entitled to 17" cocks without fear of lawsuits.

8===========D

8===D

This diagram shows to scale just how much bigger LONGitude claims it can make you.

1. Your penis is small.
2. You thought LONGitude was a worthy investment towards solving #1
3. Your penis is still small.
4. You are fucking cheap and willing to swallow the embarassment of admitting all of the above just to reclaim your sixty bucks, even tho any male with one drop of self respect would simply forget the 60 bucks to save himself the embarassment of admitting that he is stupid, cheap and has a small dick.

He explains us that his drug will make the chambers of erectile tissue larger. Now I don't know about you, but I'm thinking of a balloon here, and what happens when you plug it into the helium machine and hold the lever down a little to long: yup, thats right. The balloon explodes and coats the room with a fine layer of human blood. I can't think of anything less sexy then having your dick explode, and coating you, your lover, and most importantly of all: your bedsheets with a mixture of seman, erectile tissue, and dozens of natural chemicals mixed together by former viagra pharmacists.

I hate doing laundry, and if your dick blows up on your "Lover", I'm willing to bet that not only will she never ever have sexual relations with you, but she will not speak a single word to you ever again. And believe you me, you will most definitely not scrub the erectile tissue out of your sheets... and that stuff just isn't gonna come out either.

Now I don't think that LONGitude would work any more then a penis pump. But I also have never tried a penis pump. And I know that there is a market for these things since I've seen them regularly at novelty shops next to the 14 inch double ended jet black vibrating dildo. However the fact that things like this exist proves that there is a market of people who would be willing to send their $59.95 to these guys. I considered it. Not for me of course. Purely in the name of science, I wanted to administer it to Kurt The Pope and Ryan the Felon before I risking my own genitals. After no deliberation, they both said no. Fuckers. This is science we're talking about. Maybe I should explain the scientific method to them again. I doubt it would matter... Dragonball Z is on. Its pretty tough to talk them into anything while Dragonball Z is on.

• 85% of women say they NEVER achieve an orgasm during sex...
• 72% of women said they FAKED orgasms they never had..
• 67% of women say they're UNHAPPY with their lover's penis size...

8===========D
8===D
This diagram shows to scale just how much bigger LONGitude claims it can make you.

1. Your penis is small.
2. You thought LONGitude was a worthy investment towards solving #1
3. Your penis is still small.
4. You are fucking cheap and willing to swallow the embarassment of admitting all of the above just to reclaim your sixty bucks, even tho any male with one drop of self respect would simply forget the 60 bucks to save himself the embarassment of admitting that he is stupid, cheap and has a small dick.

Despite what /.'ers have been saying about this particular model, a Linux PDA at this price actually sounds pretty interesting. 320*240 screen res, Motorola processor, non-Windows operating system... it's like Amiga all over again ;)

I still think that PDAs are primarily marketed for business use, though, when there's a huge nerd market waiting to be tapped.

I mean, just looking at the picture of the PDA, it's so obviously a business device - apps shown in the screenshot include Memo, Schedule, and what appears to be a minesweeper clone. When would you ever use something like those on a PDA? I wanna see a USENET reader, a mailer, Telnet, Lynx, perhaps even a text editor and FTP combo so I can write my weblog on the move...

At $89, it's competing with the GBA for my hard-earned cash and Pokémon vs Minesweeper really is no contest...

From PlanetNamek Chris, lead designer of Bid For Power, has this to say about the situation: "Bid For Power has not been ceased by funimation and we as well heard about this from slashdot.org. This is just a rumor going around the net." Wow- even the _subjects_ of stories now get to hear about unsubstantied rumors about their work directly from Slashdot.

As for episodes, just about every POS DB/DBZ site will give you episode synopses, or you can just go to IRC and download the episodes yourself (dalnet/#DBZIRC is a start).

You're welcome.

your king. Well this is the first place I have admitted it my brother is the voice actor for Cell. His name is Dameon Clarke. Does the fact I have a animation cell from Akira on my wall count(Kaneda if you care)?

In theory, one could do narration, perhaps using the plot synopsis at Planet Namek or any other reputable DBZ site. By combining this with digitally fast forwarded episodes, one could condense multiple sagas into only a few hours, without losing any content whatsoever!

Really though, it would take all the fun out of watching 3 hour long combat scenes.

Alright, everyone,
If you don't know already, here it is...

DBZ was intended as a joke.

Yup, its true. The entire thing is humor. Lets face it, the dialogue is horrid, the plots range from cheesy to downright foolish, and the fight scenes are drawn out to almost infinity.

I admit to being a DBZ fan. Yes, that's right, I too watch Goku in admiration as he punches through boulders and shoots countless forms of energy beams from every body part imaginable. (Uh... no.)

They don't come right out and tell you it's humor, but the clues are there. First clue, *every* name in the show is a pun, mostly for food. Vegeta? Vegetible. Captn Ginyu? Captn Milk. Cacarot... can it be? Are you really a carrot?

I am going to continue to be a fan, and follow the mindless dialogue and the constant fascination with power levels, (Try Planet Namek to keep up on them) but when it all gets too much, just step back and remember: Its *supposed* to be bad!

Bah. The DBZ english televised episodes are often quite poor.
Get DBZ in it's purest form: manga!

English translations at Planet Namek.

Before I get into the recommendations, there are a few things I'd like to say. I was actually a bit reluctant to post this at first. For one, judging by the 650+ posts already up, I didn't think that my suggestions would be original or insightful, and I also didn't want to overly influence anyone with my pre-determined convictions about things such as dubbing or certain series. I generally think that any good reviews anime in general gets is beneficial, because for too long it has been stigmatized as pornographic or violent cartoons, without any thought to the incredibly complex and intricate plots, beautiful artwork, and simply moving characterization some series express. I hesitate before calling it cartoons because it groups what is a work of art with production crap such as Scooby Doo. Of course, not all anime is top notch, but some, in my experience, is even better than the $140 million Hollywood movies (in fact, a lot of it is.)

It really disheartens me when people cite Dragon Ball Z (FUNimation/Cartoon Network Style) as an anime they've seen. The FUNimation english adaptation is perhaps the worst I've ever seen. I strongly suggest, if you have even the slightest liking of the English version, that you search around and find Fansubs of DBZ. (For those of you who are ill-informed, fansubs are anime, and sometimes other imports, that are subtitled by fans of the show, shows, or just anime in general. The advantage of fansubs being that they are cheaper, usually $25 for 4 tapes or so, completely uncut, and still contain the original japanese voice actors.) I also might note that fansubs of anime that has already been released in the U.S. is not wholly legal, but I don't think charging $29.95 before shipping and handling is all that legal either, or shouldn't be.

If you are interested, I'm fairly sure Planet Namek (http://www.planetnamek.com) still distributes fansubs, and if not, they do have links to other DBZ fansubbers. And not just DBZ can be gotten demi-legally through fansubs. Almost any anime you want can be found. Think of fansubbers as the open sourcers of the anime community and FUNimation as the Microsoft. Although, not all distributers are that evil, ADV, Pioneer, and others all do good jobs, but they still cost more than they should (Can anyone explain to my why Subtitles cost more than Dubbed?!? Talk about logical fallacies...)

Besides the FUNi DBZ, all the other animes written about by CmdrTaco get at least a B+ in my book. If you get the chance to watch the Cowboy Bebop intro scene -- it's just plain funny.

On to my recommendations:

• First comes Neon Genesis Evangelion (Shin Seiki Evangelion), a very intricate and complex story by Hideaki Anno about a young man named Shinji who forced to pilot an enormous biological robot under the command of his draconian father. This is possibly the best serialized anime I have ever seen (bet you haven't heard that before =P). Its plot follows 26 episodes and 2 movies, starting at what seems like a simply boy-piloting-giant-robot fighting series into a teen angst filled story about love, triumph, the meaning of life, and the existance of humanity. One of the greatest things about this series is that you can watch it a million times and pick up new foreshadowing, clues, and religious overtones every time (this series uses a lot of religious allusions, which is one of of its best features if you like that sort of thing.) NGE also features and excellent soundtrack, with some of the more catchy tunes I've heard. Beware watching large segments of this series at once: the Cicada sound gets _very_ irritating, and it will probably leave your mind lightly crispy. After you're done watching it (AND NOT BEFORE!) I strongly recommend you go read the fanfiction by those guys over at Eyrie productions (http://www.eyrie.net) called Neon Exodus Evangelion, which provides a very captivating spin on the series.
• Next on the list comes anything by the incredible manga artist Rumiko Takihashi. Her works include Ranma 1/2, Maison Ikkukou, and Urusei Yatsura, all of which are quite good. Most of her stories focus on comedy between somehow afflicted lovers, friends, or those stuck in awkward situations. Her works can be quite touching at times and can make even the stiffest upper lip crack a smile.
• Of course, the obligatory Ghost in the Shell comes in here. Interesting story about an android and the computer virus she loves, or something like that. Read other people's reviews for more in-depth.
• One of the less heralded, but no less great works is Peacock King, an interesting story about demons and all sorts of cool stuff there. One of the characters in this story led me and my friends to come up with a skill called "The Ability to Look Like a Bad-Ass", rated on a scale of 1 to 50, its how bad ass you look, reguardless of your actual skill or anything like that. See the anime, and you will understand.
• One comedy series that definitely needs menion is Tenchi-Muyo, a Rumiko Takahashi-esque story about a young man named Tenchi, beautiful alien space pirates, and all sorts of damn funny hijinks.
• While we're on the subject of comedy, perhaps the funniest anime series I've seen is Slayers. It's about a young sorceress who goes around and adventures. Think: DnD. It has a giant fish with legs, 'nuff said.
• If you like guns and shooting and Matrix-style fighting, check out Gunsmith Cats. Chicks with Guns. Funny and fun.
• I almost left out one of the first anime I ever saw, Guyver which was also made into a few American movies. It's a bit old school 80s in its animation, and the plot isn't super-intense, I still like it, and think it's worth watching. Some nice DBZ-style action and evil-megacorporation type menace with the thrown in alien over power for flavor.
• While I'm remembering good anime, BubbleGun Crisis is one of the neatest 80s mechanized fighting evil corporation type anime out there. This is actually just an 8 OAV (Original Animation Video, i.e. released straight to video) set, but still quite good. It also features poofy hair and 80s J-pop music if that floats your boat. On the other side it has very neato technology that'll keep you hooked afterwards. There's also an RPG based on it.
• An excellent movie to watch is Macross 7. It has a decent Mindfuck factor (a scale of 1 to 11 of how confusing it is; Evangelion being 11, Scooby Doo being 0) and some of the _most_beautiful_animation_ I've seen, ever. A definite watch if you can find it. Good music too.

/RAMBLE

- the Pfish

Personnaly I prefer manga (japanese comics) over the anime. The Dragonball Z comic for example is far better than the anime. It lacks the color but it never moves slow like you said the anime does. And the Akira movie seems just terrible if you have seen the comic. If you want to check it out, you can download scanned Dragonball Z comic issues at Planet Namek. But be warned: you may not like the anime series anymore after that.