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but there is going to be hell to pay once their server farm of Vic-20s sends all those viruses through Fidonet at 300 baud in order to bring America's SychroNET and C-NET C64 BBS user base to its knees.

Nope, they've seen the latest Norwegian research and are moving up to ip-packet-carrying birds. The good news is that you can disable that network with a 20-gauge shotgun, and in a pinch, those pigeons are actually edible. Pheasants (which originate in Asia) are better eating, but don't home as well, and they're bigger targets. Though they might work well in a Token-Ringneck network topography.

I guess I often think of something I heard someone say: "If humans evolved from apes...why are there still apes?"

For the same reason we have German Shorthaired Pointers, and yet still have contemporary wolves and coyotes. Common ancestors, and branches in the tree. Isn't that easier to digest than imagining semi-modern human-ish primates just magically appearing out of nowhere? It sure is for me.

Your pal,
Occam.

Hundreds of times I have read your sig

Yikes! I think I must post too often.

I assume that a 'bird dog' is a dog used for retrieving hunted birds and that you should take your bird dog hunting regularly to satisfy its natural behaviour and instincts?

Certainly the phrase "bird dog" is a little broad, but yes, it generally covers the wide range of breeds that are used to help in hunting birds. People who favor specifically retrieving dogs (like Labroador Retrievers) tend to most hunt waterfowl (geese, ducks), and usually just refer to such dogs as "retrievers" (which describes the role they play) or by some shorthand name that describes the breed ("labs," "goldens," etc).

So, retrievers being a special case, there's the other group of dogs that more commonly fall into the category "bird dog." Those would be the breeds that are used to actually locate live birds (usually upland ground birds, rather than waterfowl - like pheasants, partridges, quail, grouse, or woodcock). While a retriever sits patiently next to the hunter (usually in a blind) while the team waits for a duck to fall for the decoys that have been put out (and fall from the sky once they're in shotgun range), "bird dogs" (like pointers, setters, and certain spaniels) generally are out running around the field in front of the walking hunter(s), using their noses to locate birds in various cover.

Watching pointers (I'm partial to German Shorthairs) working a strip of cornfield or a hedgerow is a nearly religious experience. The dogs are uncanny, athletic, super-tuned-in animals that can learn to work with the hunting party as a very effective team. Truly wild birds can be hard to come by in some areas, so when a bird dog has spent two hours seeking out three molecules of bird trace in the field, and then comes screeching to a halt, still as a statue... it's electric. That dog is completely controlling its urge to dive into the cover and pounce on that bird, and is instead showing the hunter where to find it. At that point, shotgun in hand, the hunter will walk past the dog, kicking in the brush, and flush that bird up into the air. Some birds, like quail, virtually explode into the air - often several birds at once - in a startling display meant to disorient predators (and it works on humans, that's for sure!).

Under such circumstances - and after that dog has worked his heart out for you - you hate to lift your shotgun and miss the damn bird. Because that dog, still standing steady where he stopped, is waiting for that shotgun to knock a bird down from flight so that he can mark its fall, and race over to fetch it up... ideally, ever so gently, right to the hand of the hunter. They truly live for such moments, and you can see the joy it brings them. But if you miss, the look of reproach that they give you is almost unbearable.

So, the key is to be a good shot with your shotgun. You go to the range (meaning, typically, the trap and skeet range, where you practice your gunning skills on high-speed little ceramic discs called "clay pigeons") and maintain your shooting skills. Because if you can't earn that dog's respect and trust (trust that you'll hit the real birds), he'll stop being a team player, and just go pounce on those birds on his own - not a good habit since it makes the dog unpredictable in life-or-death situations involving real guns.

All that being said, your interpretation still has merit - such dogs require enormous amounts of exercise and stimulation lest their frustration turn them into very ill-mannered companions. So, getting them out for a run on a couple hundred acres is valuable whether or not anyone is carrying a shotgun!

There is the possibility that legal ownership of such weapons, even by only a few, makes it easier for someone to get their hands on one (by stealing). Whether true or not, I have no idea.

The overwhelming majority of perceived-as-more-dangerous-because-they-look-that -way guns that fall into the wrong hands do so because of deliberate, overtly "straw" purchases or outright illegal importation. Stolen guns, per se, aren't nearly as much of an issue as the lack of really, truly punishing incarceration of those that set out to traffic in them as a business. Needless to say, we (in the US) have a much bigger problem with stolen cars used in crimes (and a vastly, vastly higher number of people killed by criminally negligant drivers). People fret about guns entirely out of scale with the real threats in their lives... like, eating fatty meat. Which bring us to:

Last time I tried rabbit, I was unimpressed. Same with pheasant, I think.

With rabbit, the diet of the animal is crucial to the flavor (or lack of), and the meat is pretty lean, so it actually needs the same sort of care as game bird meat (lest it become dry and tough). From that same web site, here's how to deal with that pheasant meat. It's all about not over-cooking. It's counter-intuitive, but even when the meat's in a soupy marinade, too much cooking can still make it dry, flavorless, and annoying. Which, of course, leads to bans on repeating shotguns authored by people that only eat steroid-pumped, farm-nasty chicken. See how it all comes together? My goal is to preserve my right to own my firearms by pointing people to web sites about juicier bird meat preparation. Of course, a lot of people wouldn't follow my reasoning, there. :-)

Now why would you use an automatic weapon for such things, though?

I think you're confusing "automatic" with "auto-loading" or "semi-automatic." In order to actually own a true, automatic weapon in the US, you have to pass extremely invasive federal inspection, demonstrate secure storage, remain open to surprise inspection from the feds, and renew your license on a regular basis. Essentially, it's serious military collectors, clubs, etc. I believe the records still show that no crimes involving an actual automatic weapon in the US have been committed by a person who legally obtained and owns such pieces.

A semi-automatic, though, is different. It's a means by which to repeat your fire with relative, but deliberate speed. A double action revolver, for example, can do this (typically) six times - as fast as you can pull the trigger. The problem with that revolver is that pulling the trigger in quick succession usually messes up your aim because it's a fair amount of forearm/finger work unless you've got really big hands. A semi-auto pistol (say, a good old 1911-style .45 with a nine round magazine) allows the same repeating action, but with considerably more control because the gun is doing more of the work. In a long gun, it's the same story. Repeating rifles, for example, have been around a long, long time. Bolt-action, pump-action, lever-action (some of which can be operated with amazing speed if you practice)... and, gas/recoil-operated semi-autos.

The most common real use for a repeating gun, for most hunters, is in bird hunting. I'm guessing, based on your handle, that you're from the UK. Folks in your area have made some of the finest side-by-side shotguns ever made. That's a two-shot repeating gun, which can get off those two shots in an instant. Unfortunately, when hunting, say, larger rooster pheasants in the Great Plains, two shots doesn't do the job when you flush up four birds in high winds. A repeating gun helps a lot, and a semi-auto one helps even more. My freezer is full of pheasant and partridge meat that fell to both my gun and my wife's (she's fond of Italian shotguns - and shoes). There isn't a moment of gratuitousness in using a semi-auto shotgun to stop the game you're after. Also very appropriate on rabbits (yum, hasenpfeffer) and other high-speed targets that zig, zag, and don't politely hold still just because you want to eat them.

I'm sure your signature is less humorous if you explain it, but I still don't understand it.

One of the greatest joys in my life is watching our bird dogs (German Shorthaired Pointers) hunt. They are a spectacular piece of genetic engineering. Their job is to work through a field (say, a couple hundred acres of crops or hedgerow) and to catch the scent of the type of game they've been wired to find... usually, pheasant, quail, grouse, partridge, that sort of thing. The moment their noses recognize a single molecule of that scent, they freeze up in the classic pointing position, using their noses and direction of gaze to tell the human members of the team where to find the birds. If the dogs have some training and maturity, they will stay there, like rocks, waiting for someone to walk into the pointed area and flush the birds up into the air. Hopefully, someone talented with a shotgun is ready to identify the type of bird, and make that all-important clean shot that knocks the bird down. The pointer then dashes into whatever nasty bit of cover the dead bird landed in, and retrieves it to the hunter's hand, gently as you please.

There is nothing more embarassing than watching these animals work as hard as they do to track down that one rooster pheasant in a big corn field, only to have it take to wing right in front of you, and then miss the shot. I don't tend to anthropomorphize the dogs (much!), but there's no question that, on missing a bird like that, they'll look at you with the most withering, reproachful stare you've ever seen. So, knowing you're headed out to hunt over some talented bird dogs, it's a good idea to get in some practice on the trap range (shooting at clay pigeons - basically little orange ceramic frisbees) so that you're less likely to screw up in the field.

It's likewise important to regularly train in the kitchen. There's nothing worse than spending all day out with the dogs, coming home with a game bag full of delicious quail, and then ruining them in a bad sauce or turning them into shoe-leather by over cooking them. In case you're wondering, I'm all for hunting, but I eat what I shoot, always. And a good bird dog is all about connecting the hunter with some of the tastiest birds you'll ever put on a table for your dinner guests. It's a shame to blow all of that because you've spent all of your time posting on slashdot and no longer have the upper body mobility to swing that shotgun with speed and grace. Hey... that sounds like me. Time to go to the range!

But doesn't all that selective breeding lead to decreased genetic variation and all of the problems that entails? I've always wondered about that.

Well, selective is the key word, here. Horrible genetic problems usually result from lazy (read: convenient) breeding. Meaning, people who don't care will breed dogs to other geographically (or genetically) nearby dogs. It's cheap, it's easy, and it results in ugly, stupid, poorly structured, short-lived, ill-tempered, disease-ridden dogs. Serious breeders "outcross" with great care to mix the elements of more far-flung populations. This, combined with some "line" breeding (where you reinforce some of your own line a generation or two down) makes for some good results if you choose carefully.

As silly as dog shows seem, they are opportunities to meet other breeders, look for dogs in your breed that are ideal examples (relative to the formal breed standard), and the shows filter out the poorly formed dogs.

For a popular breed (in my case, say German Shorthaired Pointers), there are enough quality breeders, and the occasional introduction of some DNA from similar dogs (say, English Pointers) to keep the breed genetically diverse and healthy. But it's only as good as the breed organization/club and the serious breeders who truly dedicate their lives to it.

Many breeds have been almost completely ruined by puppy mills producing litters to sell on the cheap. Their DNA pools are highly isolated, or too shallow. It's painful.

But doesn't all that selective breeding lead to decreased genetic variation and all of the problems that entails? I've always wondered about that.

Well, selective is the key word, here. Horrible genetic problems usually result from lazy (read: convenient) breeding. Meaning, people who don't care will breed dogs to other geographically (or genetically) nearby dogs. It's cheap, it's easy, and it results in ugly, stupid, poorly structured, short-lived, ill-tempered, disease-ridden dogs. Serious breeders "outcross" with great care to mix the elements of more far-flung populations. This, combined with some "line" breeding (where you reinforce some of your own line a generation or two down) makes for some good results if you choose carefully.

As silly as dog shows seem, they are opportunities to meet other breeders, look for dogs in your breed that are ideal examples (relative to the formal breed standard), and the shows filter out the poorly formed dogs.

For a popular breed (in my case, say German Shorthaired Pointers), there are enough quality breeders, and the occasional introduction of some DNA from similar dogs (say, English Pointers) to keep the breed genetically diverse and healthy. But it's only as good as the breed organization/club and the serious breeders who truly dedicate their lives to it.

Many breeds have been almost completely ruined by puppy mills producing litters to sell on the cheap. Their DNA pools are highly isolated, or too shallow. It's painful.

Thanks for asking, as I prefer that over leaving you with the impression you've already formed (which seems to have been derived from, I don't know, episodes of The Dukes of Hazard or something).

I (and my wife) own (or are slaves to, dependin on how you look at it) two prize German Shorthaired Pointers. "Prize," in the sense that they are stellar bird dogs from champion lines, and are able to locate a hunkered down upland game bird (a quail, pheasant, partridge or other tasty favorite) in wet grass from 50 yards away. It's spectacular to watch them work a farmer's field or pasture. Their job is to show us where the birds are without spooking them off. We (my wife and I, or whomever is out with us), then poke around in the cover until the birds flush up. This happens very quickly, and you have to a very good shot to quickly dispatch the birds. When you miss, the look of reproachment from the dogs is, well, almost unbearable.

So, to avoid that bit of melodrama, and more importantly, to avoid having to go to the grocery store to buy wildy inferior, chemically-treated poultry for dinner, we go to the range. This means shooting a clay pigeons thrown by very expensive machinery, but it's good practice for fast birds.

The signature file also, of course, is a larger reminder simply to practice something to the point of being good at it before you start letting others depend on your performance. Plus, of course, the sheer political incorrectness of mentioning that I eat birds, which I shoot, and have dogs that help me do it, is no end of fun (despite the flames that sometimes get posted).

Please, and I mean this, ask any questions you might have!