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Where Can Geeks Meet Mates?
iamsure asks: "Allright, although it sounds hilarious, it is an honest question. I don't drink (alcohol), and like most geeks, my dancing is horrid. Thus, I don't do the bar scene. I work at a rather professional company where dating isnt appropriate, and even if I decided to ignore that, everyone I have daily contact with is married. I generally get out about an hour a day for fun. Where does the average slashdotter meet a mate?" For those of you out there who have answered this question for yourself, what did you do? I find that most Geeks involved in careers need to get out and be social. Typically many of us make our jobs our lives and it's not easy to meet people when we're tired after working 12 hours and a 90 minute commute. Many of you may have to make the time to get out and meet new people otherwise you might find your social life non-existant. Now if I could only take my own advice as well as I can give it...
I work in a room with 1 girl for every 5 single guys. Not very good odds. Last week I was in a different room, where there were 4 girls for every guy in the room. (Note, I don't know the marriage status of those people) The latter was in Spain. Both rooms were only have technical people in them. (One was the IS department - not tech support, and the other was programming) So if you are a girl looking to meet guys, going into a technical field in the US is a great plan. If your a guy in the US anything technical is the wrong plan until more girls in the US go into technical fields. (My expirence is they are smart enough to handle it, but they have no interest. I have no idea why) Geek guys who want to meet girls should move to a different counry, there are not many geek girls in the US.
I believe a geek friend of mine met the woman that would later become his wife at a dance class. I think he said the instructor paired up the people who didn't have partners and they hit it off. It wasn't salsa (Country), but you are probably correct in that probably any style would work.
the good ground has been paved over by suicidal maniacs
I've heard this before, but I wonder how well it works. The last thing I usually want to do while shopping is to start talking to a complete stranger in the frozen food isle.
the good ground has been paved over by suicidal maniacs
That's assuming that he is the type that can make friends easily and can strike up cordial converstations with complete strangers. Many geeks are introverts and are quite possibly intimidated by members of the opposite sex due to fear of rejection, being laughed at, 'you're too smart for me, go away!'*, etc. Many times this can be due to thinking about and over analysing the situation. For these guys, the women have to approach them because they won't.
* - actually happened to me in a club. The woman asked where I worked, and that was the response I got....so much for wanting nice intelligent guys. I should have pretended to be a dumb jerk, but I'm not a good actor/liar either.
the good ground has been paved over by suicidal maniacs
Be very careful when looking into matchmaking services. Many of them are ethical, good businesses, but some of them (Great Expectations comes to mind) will simply take your money and provide little more than photo albums for you to look at.
Meldroc, Waster of Electrons
Agreed. The online relationship thing doesn't work. You can't communicate well in an IM or message board. Sure, for things like talking about *nix and telling jokes it's fine, but for real communication it sucks. Plus, you can't have a relationship with someone who you never get hug or kiss or bang. You have to look where people with similar interests hang out, but 'online' isn't it.
School is a good place if you can tolerate school.
E
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Examples?
- Bookstore. Everybody says this, but personally I never had it work. These days you can find an excuse for wandering around the store for a long time. When you see somebody you like, who happens to be in a section you know, sidle up near him/her to look at something different. When he/she picks up a book you know, offer a comment. See what happens. (I actually had this done to me once when I walked into a bookstore wearing a "Tao of Pooh" shirt. Two girls came over and asked me to explain it.)
- Pool hall? A little harder if you don't like drinking since most of them are in bars. But you'll certainly see lots of members of the opposite sex. (I asked out a regular waitress at my regular place . She said no. But at least I got a chance to ask.)
- Theatre. This is a little different, since you don't go to theatre to meet people. But, if you're experienced at going to theatre, then you have something to talk about when you need to come up with a date idea in a hurry. Example:
I can confirm that one works -- three years later I married her.
Remember to ask yourself how geeky you want to get. That's why I threw the theatre in there. There's no rule that says geeks can only meet at sci-fi conventions. If you're a geek that happens to also like cars you might find a mate at a car show.www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
Think about it, you want a geek mate and females who like Anime, 72 hour LAN parties and debating about the relative merits of software licenses are pretty hard to come by. But if you look for a male all of a sudden the odds are in your favour. Look at Slashdot, something like 300,000 users, the vast majority of which are geek males.
Now I know what you're thinking, "I'm not gay, and even if I were, that still leaves the matter of finding another gay male in a fairly homophobic society (geek society, not society at large)?" Well as other posters have suggested don't go looking for a mate, just a friend, and as it's a well documented fact that six beers is all it takes to become homosexual you never know what could happen.
Plus you'd find Will & Grace so much funnier.
Since your UID is smaller than mine, I can only conclude that you're trolling. -s20451 (410424)
Do you like handing out in bars?
Apparently not.
Do you want to end up with someone who's idea of a good time is, well, hanging out in bars?
I'd assume not.
So why do something you don't like & look for someone in a bar? Don't do it!
Yes, you do need to get out of the house to find somebody, but hey, getting out of the house should be fun anyway -- right? So, what do you like doing? Hanging out in computer shops & bookstores? All you have to do is find some place that you like spending time at, preferably one that has a mixed clientele (unless that isn't what you're looking for -- that's cool too), and start paying friendly, courteous attention to any of the regulars that you find interesting. Chances aren't bad that you'll hit it off with someone.
In a recent post (which I won't bother re-pasting here), I described a really cool "bar" that I visited in Auburn, Alabama. It had a great atmosphere -- you could get a beer or a coffee, a sandwich or a bagel. They had used books that you were free to read & buy, and comfortable furniture (chairs, tables, benches, lazy chairs, etc) that you were free to move around as you please. There were plans to install PCs with web browsers for the customers to play around with, and they would have little indie rock bands play there from time to time. The one & only time I got to go visit there, I was in heaven. A place like this would have been a great place for someone like me to meet, well, someone a little bit like me.
Maybe that's not your idea of fun at all, but that's alright. Somewhere out there is a place that should be more to your liking, and the people that go there are probably people at least a little bit like you. Maybe that place is a local $tech Users Group (Linux, Perl, Mac, Be, whatever). Maybe it's somewhere on a local college campus. Maybe it's someone's home. I dont know -- you have to find out.
Just get up, get away from Slashdot for a few weekends, and start looking! ;)
DO NOT LEAVE IT IS NOT REAL
Disclaimer: I'm not one to talk. I met my geek mate on the net. :-)
Having said that, whatever you do, don't go looking for a mate. That will put unnecessary baggage on any relationships you do have. Do what some of the others here have suggested, but do it to enjoy the company of people, especially of people of the preferred sex. Relationships will develop naturally if they're meant to happen.
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I don't doubt it. Have you ever had a lasting relationship with any of them, though?
I've never known of any long-term committed relationships which started with a dating service. My experience may be limited in that regard, though.
The best long-term relationships start without this baggage. My wife and I fall in and out of love all the time, and our relationship goes in cycles of being "interested" and "not interested". But we're always best friends. That's what keeps us together.
sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f(q{sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f});
or movie places (the art houses and dinner theaters) or libraries or college classes or ... basically any place where the intellectual pursuits in life are being practiced.
Keep in mind that your potential SO may not be a "geek" in the stringing-cat5-and-playing-quake sense, but if they are intellectual people then at least you have something to build a relationship on (that being good conversations and other intellectual stimulation; my fiancee has taught me all sorts of cool language and culture and history things, and in turn she's learned stuff from me like regular expressions, the foundation of a relationship is not what you get from it but what you give, but that's another topic). Remember to be yourself, don't do something "just becuase chicks dig it". That way when you do meet the person of your dreams, you'll genuinely have something in common.
But mainly, dude, make more than an hour a day into free time. No person is really going to fit into that sort of schedule, and no job is worth that much time.
(All these comments to be taken with a grain of salt, I'd be the last person to claim perfection in heart-related matters.)
--
News for geeks in Austin: www.geekaustin.org
News for Geeks in Austin, TX
A good relationship isn't something you find; it finds you. Y'ever been up at three AM, staring at the code on the screen, and the fucker just won't work? So you toddle off to bed, sleep, wake up, hit the can, go downstairs for a big ole' glass of water, go wandering past the computer, take a sidelong glance at the screen, and suddenly, out of nowhere, you see the solution? Three button presses later, it's all good. That's what relationships are like.
Vintage computer games and RPG books available. Email me if you're interested.
Replying to my own post...
It occurs to me that my little story is a practical example of "be yourself" and "stick to what you know." If I went to a bar hoping to "meet someone", I would end up meeting someone who is a bar person. Not compatible. By being myself and sticking to what I know, I met someone who is compatible with me and who has sufficiently similar interests that things work out just fine for us.
I think that if you try to impress someone then you are likely making a mistake. You can't (or at least, shouldn't have to try) to live a "front" 24 hours per day.
If you're a zombie and you know it, bite your friend!
i may have a few insights to offer from the female perspective.
my geek and i actually did meet at a bar, but it was a rather unique situation. i was working in this small town jazz bar this particular night, and the geek that became my sweetie on/off for the past now 7 years (yikes) was my customer.
what he did right the night we met:
-he did not exhibit any obessesion with my body or try any cheesey pick up lines.
-he was there a) alone, and b) clearly interested in the rather talented quartet on stage and getting some leftover office work finished. I felt far more at ease interacting with him (as the anonymous customer) because he was not "on the prowl" (as far as i could tell.) in fact he said very little except for his inital order - guiness, coffee and water.
anyways, when he came up to pay the check, he asked me if i'd like to go to lunch. usually the wary waitress, i was taken off guard and said yes. and i am very, very glad i did.
now, we live together in san francisco and I've never been happier.
how this scenario may be useful to other intelligent intellectuals looking to perhaps meet women they'd enjoy hanging out with:
-women don't need to know your resume or vesting date when they first meet you. to intelligent women, these things are of very little significance in relation to your personality and intellect.
-we're also not as hung up on appearance as many men seem to think. smart women very rarely date attractive but stupid men. (disclaimer, my geekie sweetie is lucky enough to both amazingly intelligent and kind, AND quite a cutie.)
-however, grooming does matter. manicures or designer labels are not necessary, but remember to apply deoderant and brush your teeth. haircuts help too but are less important.
-when it comes down to it, smart women wish for many of the same things smart men do, someone to hold intelligent conversation with, someone to watch weird movies with (even if those movies turn out to be things like Babycart of death or Rollerball.) and a little sweet lovin never hurt anybody.
as far as geographic locations, all the postings here contain good advice. bookstores (i've been followed by at least 2 or 3 guys every time i try to buy a web architecture book from the technical books section) (and i would have resonded if they talked to me because i could tell what it was in me that they were interested in and it wasn't t&a.) if you see someone buying your favorite author, it might be okay to say, hey, that's a great book you've got there!
art openings and museums are also great neutral forums to open up interesting conversations with people.
please do be aware that smart women, especially those who hold a general appeal to the males of our species by having a pretty face, nice body, etc., may be very wary about being hit on. when you meet someone you like, act on it, but act with a certain amount of reserve. the first time you meet a women, compliment her conversation rather than telling her she has beautiful eyes. smart women really appreciate substantive compliments.
in closing, i wish much luck to all you intelligent, hard-working men out there. women are not the alien creatures we may sometimes seem to be. and just because some of us will occasionally hold twenty minute conversations on lipstick and shoes, that doesn't mean those same women would turn down an opportunity to learn something new about physics, the latest RAM development and why it matters, or even what type of food you like or where you grew up.
i like to think my geekie sweetie is one smart lucky guy, same as i see myself as one smart, lucky liberal arts major.
there are no hard and fast rules of human interaction, but you're smart guys. learn what you can, and be open in all situations to learning more.
Pink slip parties
Copyright/Patent courts
Napster protests
Consoling women after a school shooting
Workplace (make sure she signs an NDA though)
Get out a bit more often. Sure its hard when you have a ton of work, but its also healthy for one to socialize more, so take next Friday off for once this past decade, and go out and enjoy yourself. Else you could always logon to www.virtualfindadate.com and pretend your having fun.
360 degrees of Karma
I certainly wouldn't recommend this to everyone. It's a bit risky in that you don't really know who/what you're talking to online. In our experience, though, spending those years having to communicate with ICQ, email, telephone, we a) learned things about each other tht we might not have learned had we been "face to face" and b) learned to truly communicate with each other verbally. I don't think I can express how important a skill that is in a marriage!
Sidenote of interest: in 1999, the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service) had to completely revamp their computer system nationwide due to the overwhelming number of people who were meeting online, getting married and just happened to be from different countries.
Anyway, that's just the experience of one geek (who doesn't drink, dance or attend church *grin*) I wish you luck!
Jennifer
I've found from mine and others experience that the best long-term mates for geeks are non-geeks. I've dated several geek women, and eventually it ends in a lot of bickering. The phrase "opposites attract" is true (if you doubt this, see the "Love Chronicals" on A&E a good show about the science of dating) I just got engaged to a writer, a well matched right-brainer compared to my left-brained existance. In the end you need balance.
That said, I find the two best ways to meet women are female roommates and the marketing/sales dept. Roommates are real convienient, you can live with a person for a while, see how you get along, and move slowly toward a relationship. Where to find roommates? Take out an ad, or use something like Yahoo personals. Believe it or not, I've had no problem finding women to room with. Seems that women like geeks in general, they view them as safe, intelligent, reliable, and not testosterone-laced.
As for sales/marketing depts, even if the entire group is married, just by their job definition they meet lots of people both in and out of the office. Befriend them, go to after-hours drinks, parties, etc. These events are perfect for geeks, because the discussion focuses around work, providing a easy way to start conversations. Normally, as a geek, everyone is interested in your particular insights to the job. Sales/Marketing always seems to view the geeks as thier secret weapon when the need something done or tough question answered; so they are always willing to invite you and get you involved. These meeting are perfect for meeting professional women and avoid the 20-something bimbos that seem to pervade the club scene. BTW, as an added bonus these events are usually expensed, and thus at the very worst you get a free dinner/drinks.
--
He had come like a thief in the night,
Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes