Where Can Geeks Meet Mates?

iamsure asks: "Allright, although it sounds hilarious, it is an honest question. I don't drink (alcohol), and like most geeks, my dancing is horrid. Thus, I don't do the bar scene. I work at a rather professional company where dating isnt appropriate, and even if I decided to ignore that, everyone I have daily contact with is married. I generally get out about an hour a day for fun. Where does the average slashdotter meet a mate?" For those of you out there who have answered this question for yourself, what did you do? I find that most Geeks involved in careers need to get out and be social. Typically many of us make our jobs our lives and it's not easy to meet people when we're tired after working 12 hours and a 90 minute commute. Many of you may have to make the time to get out and meet new people otherwise you might find your social life non-existant. Now if I could only take my own advice as well as I can give it...

Comments

Re:coffee houses and bookstores

[ksheff]

That's assuming that he is the type that can make friends easily and can strike up cordial converstations with complete strangers. Many geeks are introverts and are quite possibly intimidated by members of the opposite sex due to fear of rejection, being laughed at, 'you're too smart for me, go away!'*, etc. Many times this can be due to thinking about and over analysing the situation. For these guys, the women have to approach them because they won't.

* - actually happened to me in a club. The woman asked where I worked, and that was the response I got....so much for wanting nice intelligent guys. I should have pretended to be a dumb jerk, but I'm not a good actor/liar either.

Find a comfortable environment

[dmorin]

Find something you like to do. Find a place where you can do it. The more comfortable you are with that place as "your place", the more confident you will be when potential mates walk in the door. If you go to strange places with mating on the mind, then more often than not you'll be on the other person's turf, and it's much harder to 'make your move'.

Examples?

• Bookstore. Everybody says this, but personally I never had it work. These days you can find an excuse for wandering around the store for a long time. When you see somebody you like, who happens to be in a section you know, sidle up near him/her to look at something different. When he/she picks up a book you know, offer a comment. See what happens. (I actually had this done to me once when I walked into a bookstore wearing a "Tao of Pooh" shirt. Two girls came over and asked me to explain it.)
• Pool hall? A little harder if you don't like drinking since most of them are in bars. But you'll certainly see lots of members of the opposite sex. (I asked out a regular waitress at my regular place . She said no. But at least I got a chance to ask.)
• Theatre. This is a little different, since you don't go to theatre to meet people. But, if you're experienced at going to theatre, then you have something to talk about when you need to come up with a date idea in a hurry. Example:

  "Oh, you work in town? Do you ever get over to the theatre district?"
  "yes, I'm going to see Les Mis next month."
  "Ever see Blue Man Group?"
  "No, not yet, but I want to."
  "Want to go with me?"
  "Yes."
  

  I can confirm that one works -- three years later I married her.

Remember to ask yourself how geeky you want to get. That's why I threw the theatre in there. There's no rule that says geeks can only meet at sci-fi conventions. If you're a geek that happens to also like cars you might find a mate at a car show.

coffee houses and bookstores

[StandardDeviant]

or movie places (the art houses and dinner theaters) or libraries or college classes or ... basically any place where the intellectual pursuits in life are being practiced.

Keep in mind that your potential SO may not be a "geek" in the stringing-cat5-and-playing-quake sense, but if they are intellectual people then at least you have something to build a relationship on (that being good conversations and other intellectual stimulation; my fiancee has taught me all sorts of cool language and culture and history things, and in turn she's learned stuff from me like regular expressions, the foundation of a relationship is not what you get from it but what you give, but that's another topic). Remember to be yourself, don't do something "just becuase chicks dig it". That way when you do meet the person of your dreams, you'll genuinely have something in common.

But mainly, dude, make more than an hour a day into free time. No person is really going to fit into that sort of schedule, and no job is worth that much time.

(All these comments to be taken with a grain of salt, I'd be the last person to claim perfection in heart-related matters.)

--
News for geeks in Austin: www.geekaustin.org

Doomed to failure

[SuiteSisterMary]

A good relationship isn't something you find; it finds you. Y'ever been up at three AM, staring at the code on the screen, and the fucker just won't work? So you toddle off to bed, sleep, wake up, hit the can, go downstairs for a big ole' glass of water, go wandering past the computer, take a sidelong glance at the screen, and suddenly, out of nowhere, you see the solution? Three button presses later, it's all good. That's what relationships are like.

as the "found" female mate of a male geek ...

[insectk]

i may have a few insights to offer from the female perspective.

my geek and i actually did meet at a bar, but it was a rather unique situation. i was working in this small town jazz bar this particular night, and the geek that became my sweetie on/off for the past now 7 years (yikes) was my customer.

what he did right the night we met:
-he did not exhibit any obessesion with my body or try any cheesey pick up lines.
-he was there a) alone, and b) clearly interested in the rather talented quartet on stage and getting some leftover office work finished. I felt far more at ease interacting with him (as the anonymous customer) because he was not "on the prowl" (as far as i could tell.) in fact he said very little except for his inital order - guiness, coffee and water.

anyways, when he came up to pay the check, he asked me if i'd like to go to lunch. usually the wary waitress, i was taken off guard and said yes. and i am very, very glad i did.

now, we live together in san francisco and I've never been happier.

how this scenario may be useful to other intelligent intellectuals looking to perhaps meet women they'd enjoy hanging out with:

-women don't need to know your resume or vesting date when they first meet you. to intelligent women, these things are of very little significance in relation to your personality and intellect.

-we're also not as hung up on appearance as many men seem to think. smart women very rarely date attractive but stupid men. (disclaimer, my geekie sweetie is lucky enough to both amazingly intelligent and kind, AND quite a cutie.)

-however, grooming does matter. manicures or designer labels are not necessary, but remember to apply deoderant and brush your teeth. haircuts help too but are less important.

-when it comes down to it, smart women wish for many of the same things smart men do, someone to hold intelligent conversation with, someone to watch weird movies with (even if those movies turn out to be things like Babycart of death or Rollerball.) and a little sweet lovin never hurt anybody.

as far as geographic locations, all the postings here contain good advice. bookstores (i've been followed by at least 2 or 3 guys every time i try to buy a web architecture book from the technical books section) (and i would have resonded if they talked to me because i could tell what it was in me that they were interested in and it wasn't t&a.) if you see someone buying your favorite author, it might be okay to say, hey, that's a great book you've got there!

art openings and museums are also great neutral forums to open up interesting conversations with people.

please do be aware that smart women, especially those who hold a general appeal to the males of our species by having a pretty face, nice body, etc., may be very wary about being hit on. when you meet someone you like, act on it, but act with a certain amount of reserve. the first time you meet a women, compliment her conversation rather than telling her she has beautiful eyes. smart women really appreciate substantive compliments.

in closing, i wish much luck to all you intelligent, hard-working men out there. women are not the alien creatures we may sometimes seem to be. and just because some of us will occasionally hold twenty minute conversations on lipstick and shoes, that doesn't mean those same women would turn down an opportunity to learn something new about physics, the latest RAM development and why it matters, or even what type of food you like or where you grew up.

i like to think my geekie sweetie is one smart lucky guy, same as i see myself as one smart, lucky liberal arts major.

there are no hard and fast rules of human interaction, but you're smart guys. learn what you can, and be open in all situations to learning more.

6eeks and women

[deran9ed]

With the way things are going...

Pink slip parties

Copyright/Patent courts

Napster protests

Consoling women after a school shooting

Workplace (make sure she signs an NDA though)

Get out a bit more often. Sure its hard when you have a ton of work, but its also healthy for one to socialize more, so take next Friday off for once this past decade, and go out and enjoy yourself. Else you could always logon to www.virtualfindadate.com and pretend your having fun.

Here's some interesting places

[ClubPetey]

I've found from mine and others experience that the best long-term mates for geeks are non-geeks. I've dated several geek women, and eventually it ends in a lot of bickering. The phrase "opposites attract" is true (if you doubt this, see the "Love Chronicals" on A&E a good show about the science of dating) I just got engaged to a writer, a well matched right-brainer compared to my left-brained existance. In the end you need balance.

That said, I find the two best ways to meet women are female roommates and the marketing/sales dept. Roommates are real convienient, you can live with a person for a while, see how you get along, and move slowly toward a relationship. Where to find roommates? Take out an ad, or use something like Yahoo personals. Believe it or not, I've had no problem finding women to room with. Seems that women like geeks in general, they view them as safe, intelligent, reliable, and not testosterone-laced.

As for sales/marketing depts, even if the entire group is married, just by their job definition they meet lots of people both in and out of the office. Befriend them, go to after-hours drinks, parties, etc. These events are perfect for geeks, because the discussion focuses around work, providing a easy way to start conversations. Normally, as a geek, everyone is interested in your particular insights to the job. Sales/Marketing always seems to view the geeks as thier secret weapon when the need something done or tough question answered; so they are always willing to invite you and get you involved. These meeting are perfect for meeting professional women and avoid the 20-something bimbos that seem to pervade the club scene. BTW, as an added bonus these events are usually expensed, and thus at the very worst you get a free dinner/drinks.
--
He had come like a thief in the night,