Microsoft Tech Suport vs Psychic Friends

OmahaVike sent in an amusing piece that may just bring you a smile on a slow friday. It's Microsoft Tech Support vs The Psychic Friends Network. The article describes attempts to solve reasonable tech support questions through the 2 seperate support channels. Well written and funny (a rarity in the world of microsoft bashing where "Funny" usual means replacing the "S" with a dollar sign, swearing a lot and comparing various MSFT employees to the truly evil). Next time I need tech support, this might be worth considering.

Comments

What? No BOFH?

[SiliconJesus]

USER: Yeah, I'm trying to get my Access Script to talk to two Sybase applications at the same time, and I can't seem to get it to work.
BOFH: What's your user name agian?
USER: user10
(Sound of BOFH tapping away busily on keyboard)
BOFH: I can see the problem right here. Its definately a ID10T problem. I can fix it though.... for a price
USER: A... price?
BOFH: Sure. No big deal, just give me your credit card number over the phone. When I fix it, I'll charge your credit card.

I'm sure you get the gist.

Secret windows code

In a similar vein...

[Dr.Dubious DDQ]

Atomfilms (and probably several other places around the net) has Psychic Pigs Tech Support [http://www.atomfilms.com/films/film.asp?film_id=9 07 for those concerned about goatliness.]

("The Sun card tells us your problem is server-side..."). It's Macromedia flash format.

---

True MS tech support story

[Checkered Daemon]

One day I'm working on trying to get RAS working on an NT server. After way too much work, I finally got authorization to spend the 2 hundred to make a call to MS tech support.

I could dial in, but I couldn't get the application to run and display at the remote location. So MS dials in.

MS: Can you give us a shared directory that we can try and map?

Me: Sure. Try D colon slash temp.

MS: Is that a front slash or a back slash?

My jaw hurt for two days from hitting the floor so hard.

There's still hope!

[gregbaker]

Psychic Friend Ray: "If you'd like, you can call back tomorrow. We have a couple of guys here, Steve and Paul, and they 're much better with computer stuff than I am."

So, the conclusion is that the Psychic Friends may have actually been able to help, whereas MS Tech Support definitely couldn't? Chock one up for the Friends!

[OT] Fortune cookies

[MarcoAtWork]

This is a true story, hard to believe, but true.

You should have been at the Apache conference this month: one of the lecturers was showing a Java program that emulated a magic 8 ball, while going back and forth between the windows, people in the audience noticed that he was running MS Outlook.

After a while the guy ran the program and asked for questions to put to it, a guy from mid-back shouted 'Ask the program if MS sponsors you to use Outlook'

The guy ran the program, and yes, it printed out 'Outlook not so good'.

Now, the probability of that coming out is already like 1 out of 20, but what is the likelyhood of somebody asking that question? If it was a set-up it was done extremely well, since everybody laughed for quite a while...

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Re:Reminds me of a story...

[ThePlague]

You sir have a very good point. I find it very interesting that the quality and drama of miracles has been inversely proportional to time, and more to the point, inversely proportional to technical development. Hmmmmm.

Actually, modeling the situation gives us the following:

It is generally agreed upon that in a given field of study, the total knowledge in that field doubles every T years. If we average over all fields of inquiry, we have aggregate knowledge increasing at an exponetial rate characterized by the time constant TK.

K = K(t=0)*exp(t/TK)

where of course K is total knowledge.

In contrast, the "quality" of miracles has been observed to decrease with time. Above I conjectured an inverse relationship, but I suspect an exponential decay is more apropos for western civilization: many big miracles around t=0 (~1-30 A.D.), some smaller ones later in the same millenium, decreasing even moreso in the first half of the second millenium, and all but disappearing in the second half of the second millenium. This is more characteristic of an exponential decay than a simple inverse power. Thus we can model:

M(t) =M(0)*exp(-t/TM)

where M(0) is the "miracle-value" at t= 0 and TM is the decay constant for the miracle function.

If we were to multiply these two quantites, we obtain:

MK(t)=K(t)*M(t)=MK(0)* exp[t((1/TK) - (1/TM)]

where MK is the Miracle-Knowledge function. My contention, then, is that TK = TM, which leads to a constant value of the MK function for all time.

Since it has been uttered on more than one occasion that "It would take a miracle to get adequate tech support from a help desk", it seems natural to apply the above results to the topic at hand. Therefore, applying this to tech support, if you have ever found tech support helpful, then you will always find it helpful as MK is a constant in time. If you have had one experience when it wasn't helpful, don't bother ever calling again, as the same constancy of results applies.

QED

Re:Save file dialog

[lostguy]

You get paid by the line, don't you?

Re:Reminds me of a story...

[revscat]

The next morning my friend is back workign on it and the woman tells him that God told her that the problem was with the CD-ROM drive. After looking around, my friend finds out that someone had pluged the CD-ROM's ribbon cable in backward and that was causing the problem.

You know, it seems like there was a time when gods did more impressive feats than telling old women that their CD-ROM cable is in backwards. What happened to parting oceans, annihilating entire populations in opposing nations, plagues of locusts, and so forth? If the best God can do is simple tech support type activities then you can color me unimpressed.

Touched by an Angel: Agitprop for the Xians.

Re:Reminds me of a story...

[dolanh]

Wow, (probably staged) evangelism for the new age.

Re:Quote

[TMB]

He sensed that there was a problem with something connecting, that something wasn't being fulfilled either in a sexual, spiritual or emotional way.

And how exactly does MS Access get fulfilled in a sexual, spiritual or emotional way?! Submit philosophical queries? Connect to two databases at once, while a third is watching?

Hmmm, that last one actually sounds kind of like the problem they were having. Maybe there's something to this after all... ;-)

[TMB]

i forsee...

[holzp]

i forsee a story on /. making microsoft look bad. wow i must be a psychic...

Windows helpdesk guidelines

[magi]

The two standard instructions that I give to people who ask for help:

(1) "Uninstall Windows, format your hard disk, then re-install Windows."

If that doesn't help:

(2) "Uninstall Windows, format your hard disk, then don't re-install Windows."

Usually, the instruction (1) doesn't help them.

Reminds me of a story...

[GreyyGuy]

I' know it is hard to belive, but this is a true story.

A friend of mine was doing computer support for a local hospital, and one day he got a call from a woman about a progrma not working. He goes down to her office and starts working on it. While he is working, she is chatting him up on what she talks to God about. And what he tells her. My friend is amused by this (being athiest), but puts up with it. After a half hour of working he still can't find the source of the problem. Since it is now after 5 they decide to pick up again the next morning. The woman tells him that she will talk to God and see if he can help with the problem.

The next morning my friend is back workign on it and the woman tells him that God told her that the problem was with the CD-ROM drive. After looking around, my friend finds out that someone had pluged the CD-ROM's ribbon cable in backward and that was causing the problem.

He keeps claiming it was a coincidence, but I've been thinking of starting a church for our lord of tech support :)

MSDN

[tokengeekgrrl]

I completely agree. TechNet *used* to be extremely easy to use but since it's moved to the web, it's completely declined. MSDN, however, continues to be an exceptional resource. I have found many solutions to ASP/ADO/COM/SQL Server problems very quickly through MSDN online. I'm not thrilled to have to work with MS products but as long as my job requires it, it's a relief that MSDN is available. It's totally saved me from insanity when I've run into completely nonsensical bugs.

- tokengeekgrrl

Madame Bell Psychic and Support Technician

[Code Archeologist]

May sound funny but I have run into stranger stuff. There was a mechanic near where I lived in Virginia called Christian Car Care. Their motto was "We will pray for your car." And they did, they would litterally come out and pray over your car for the power of the Lord to move through it and fix it... when that didn't work (and it usually didn't) they would take into the garage and fix it.

But I wonder if one could set up a Christian Computer Support. With the mission statement "We will pray for your Computer, and the power of the Lord Jesus Christ MCSE, CCNE, A+, MCSD, CCNA, etc, etc". Hmmmm... this is a good idea, just need to find some venture capital.

Dell and Miss Cleo

[Methicus]

I work for Dell Tech Support (award winning, my ass!) and I think that for the last week I work there I am going to impersonate Miss Cleo in teching problems. A friend and I talked about this and we both think it would be funny as hell. CUST: "Duh, my computer doesn't work." ME: "Dee 7 of Pentacles tells me dat ya got a virus while downloadin' dee porn and ya need to call McAfee." CUST: "What?!? I...I wasn't downloading any porn!" ME: "Sir, dee 5 of Cups tells me ya are very deceitful, and are lyin' right now, call McAfee and your computer will be filled with harmony." CUST: "No, I'm not calling McAfee, I don't have a virus!!" ME: "Yes, ya are sir. Dee 3 of Swords says dat I'm hangin' up on ya." ---CLICK---

Mmmm...Sacrelicious!

Yeah, But...

[ekrout]

(Jamaican accent) if dey hat cooled Cuh-leo, dey wuda got dee dop ah dee line support, mahn!

Millionaire!!!

[thrillbert]

Me Regis, I would like to use a lifeline.
Regis And who would you like to call?
Me The Psychic Friends Network please.
Regis Our friends at AT and T will gladly connect you...... Hello! This is Regis from Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and we have your friend thrillbert here and he has a question regarding Microsoft Windows 2000 Enterprise Server.. thrillbert, you will have 30 seconds and they begin now...
Me How do you secure a Windows 2000 Enterprise Server?
Psychic Put it next to Jimmy Hoffa.
Me I will make that my final answer
Regis Congratulations!!! You just became a Millionaire!!!

sigh.. back to the real world now...

Neal Stephenson has an interesting take

[swm]

Neal Stephenson has an interesting take on tech support at In The Beginning Was The Command Line

In the world of open source software, bug reports are useful information. Making them public is a service to other users, and improves the OS. Making them public systematically is so important that highly intelligent people voluntarily put time and money into running bug databases. In the commercial OS world, however, reporting a bug is a privilege that you have to pay lots of money for. But if you pay for it, it follows that the bug report must be kept confidential--otherwise anyone could get the benefit of your ninety-five bucks! And yet nothing prevents NT users from setting up their own public bug database.

This is, in other words, another feature of the OS market that simply makes no sense unless you view it in the context of culture. What Microsoft is selling through Pay Per Incident isn't technical support so much as the continued illusion that its customers are engaging in some kind of rational business transaction. It is a sort of routine maintenance fee for the upkeep of the fantasy. If people really wanted a solid OS they would use Linux, and if they really wanted tech support they would find a way to get it; Microsoft's customers want something else.

Free support is available

[Fervent]

Surprise, surprise, free support is available for Microsoft products. It's called Usenet, user web sites, etc. Exactly the same as Linux and FreeBSD, just the source isn't open. Help is easy (and free) to find when you know where to look.

My MS Access support call

[scotchie]

I had a similar experience a few years ago. A couple of the minor details may have changed in my memory, but it's mostly accurate.

The problem was that my MS Access database got corrupted. Whenever I tried to run a certain report, Access crashed. Unfortunately, I had spent over a week creating this report, and I wanted to recover as much of my work as possible.

I called MS Support, spent a few minutes wading through their phone tree, and then waited on hold about 20 minutes.
Me: &nbsp My Access database is corrupt. Access crashes whenever I try to run a certain report. I want to get back as much of my report as possible.
MS Rep:&nbsp Ok, try doing file/open, and pick the name of your database.
Me:&nbsp Do you want me to kill and restart Access first, because it is crashed.
MS Rep:&nbsp Huh?
Me:&nbsp I'll just kill and restart it first. Ok, the database is opened.
MS Rep:&nbsp And it works, I see. Can you press the "Reports" button?
Me:&nbsp Ok, I get a list of my reports. Now what?
MS Rep:&nbsp Can you tell me which reports are on the list?
Me:&nbsp Sure, here are the reports ...
MS Rep:&nbsp And which one is having problems?
Me:&nbsp This one ...
MS Rep:&nbsp Ok, can you try to double-click it?
Me:&nbsp Sure. Ok, it's starting to run. Now I get the problem. Access has crashed.
MS Rep:&nbsp Can you describe your problem?
Me:&nbsp There are funny colors all over the computer screen and nothing I do in Access has any effect.
MS Rep:&nbsp Oh, I figured it out. That means your database is corrupt. Goodbye.
Me:&nbsp WAIT WAIT! I know that it's corrupt. That's why I called. But what can I do about it?
Ms Rep:&nbsp You need to create a new database. Goodbye.
Me:&nbsp But what I was asking was how to ...
CLICK ...
end of call

Coincidence? I think not!

[AaronStJ]

If you'd like, you can call back tomorrow. We have a couple of guys here, Steve and Paul, and they 're much better with computer stuff than I am

So, Steve and Paul, who know a lot about computers, work for the psychic friends network? It wouldn't happen to be Allen & Jobs, would it?

Save file dialog

[Mike1024]

Interestingly, there is a relitavely easy (if a little counter-intutive) way of invoking a standard dialog, with the CommonDialog control. Create a Microsoft CommonDialog Control named CommonDialog1 on your form, then use the code:

Private Sub OpenButton_Click()

' Instruct an error to be generated on cancel
CommonDialog1.CancelError = True

' Say where to go on error
On Error GoTo Cancel

' Set CommonDialog settings flag (Details)
CommonDialog1.Flags = cdlOFNHideReadOnly

' Set the pull-down for what filetypes are allowable.
CommonDialog1.Filter = "Text files (*.txt)|*.txt|All files (*.*)|*.*"

' Make the first filetype default
CommonDialog1.FilterIndex = 1

' Set the title of the dialog to be displayed
CommonDialog1.DialogTitle = "Select file to open..."

' Go with the Open dialog!
CommonDialog1.ShowOpen

' Create a new variable, SomeVar
Dim SomeVar as Variant

' Put the file name into the variable
SomeVar = CommonDialog1.FileName

' Leave this subroutine
Exit sub

Cancel:

'We come here if the user cancels. We do nothing.
Exit sub

End sub

Taa-daa! SomeVar now contains the path to the selected file. It's simple enough if you know what you're doing. COMMENTING YOUR CODE IS EASY TOO.

Michael

...another comment from Michael Tandy.

Is This All There Is?

[Caraig]

It must be a really slow Friday. This is ancient.

For more dark humor from the trenches (tip of the hat to that other place) have a gander at Idiot Watcher's technology section. As a burned-out, cerebrally friccassied tech worker whose seen his grey matter served up to himself flambe, though, I can say that a lot of them hit far too bloody close to home to be very funny. Less jaded geeks, though, should see a lot of humor in them!

---
Chief Technician, Helpdesk at the End of the World

Re:Wait A Cotton Pickin' Minute

[sulli]

Oh, the Mac users were trashing Micros~1 back before Linux was even written!

Solution to MS Access problem #1

[banda]

It's a shame that MS technical support couldn't answer this question:

Our research began when we called Microsoft regarding a bug that we had detected when executing queries which pulled data from a Sybase Server into Microsoft Access. If we used the same Access database to query two databases on the same server, we found that all of the queries aimed at the second database that we queried were sent to the first database that we had queried. This problem existed no matter which database we queried first.

The problem is that the programmers were undoubtedly using the same DSN for both connections.

They could have solved the problem by creating a second uniquely named DSN in the ODBC control panel and using it for their second connection to the database. This is a common mistake, and should be obvious to the MS help desk.

That will be $55, please.

You get what you pay for...

[jfdawes]

• $55 gets you someone that knows that MS Access exists, because it's on the list of products he supports.
• $195 gets you someone who not only knows that both VB and Access exist, but has used them and can perform simple knowledge base queries.
• $3950 gets you someone who not only knows how to use VB and Access but can also solve your problem ... in three to six weeks.
• $100,000 (per annum) gets you the same as $3950, but they will ring you back with an answer in three to six hours

Don't you wish you were a large multi-national corporation?

Hilarious, but...

[baptiste]

That was a riot.

However, even as an avid Micro$oft hater, I have to give them credit for one thing done well (at first) and that is TechNet. The TechNet Cds were great, easy to navigate, and packed with useful info. Only problem is they ruined it when they moved it to the web.

--

Techsupport: Is it worth the while?

[smari]

In terms of technical expertise, we found that a Microsoft technician using Knowledge Base was about as helpful as a Psychic Friends reader using Tarot Cards. All in all, however, the Psychic Friends Net work proved to be a much friendlier organization than Microsoft Technical Support.

Figures. I mean, I've never worked in techsupport, but I guess it's quite annoying to get thousands of phonecalls per day from ignorant users, but looking from my own perspective: Ignorant user. Or maybe not - I consider myself pretty darn computer literate, and I've called techsupport about five times during my life, all releated to server-side problems that I had no access to fix on my own. The thing is, after reciveing thousands of phone-calls from ignorant $lusers, they automaticly go into "ignorant $luser mode" when they pick up the phone, leaving fellow geeks to be crushed with answers that don't really tell us anything... most of which begin with the words "press the start button", in which cases, I promptly hang up...

I really don't know why I bother sometimes =)

Funny you should talk about psychic

[StJohnsWort]

Im an MCSE and I have the "IDIOTS guide to being psychic" on my desk to help with those unanticipated outages on our MS app servers. You would be suprised how informative the book is. Not to mention the looks from the staff when they see it on the shelf next to the "IDIOTS guide to Microsoft Bob"

maybe I should seek a patent

[deran9ed]

Hacker Tarot Cards

1.The FOOL: a manager using a Sunblade to run a screensaver.

2.The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a U10, and a Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.

3.The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an SGI Origin behind her.

4.The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a G4 running OSX, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand.

5.The EMPRESS: A secretary with a IMAC running OSX.

6.The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head.

7.The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them.

8.The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).

9.STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head.

10.The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.

11.The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a human -- look on.

12.JUSTICE. A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete- key in the other.

13.The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances.

14.DEATH: A skeleton weilding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered Intel P4's, Cyrix's, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other machines.

15.TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest.

16.The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet.

17.The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground.

18.The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace.

19.The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window.

20.The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high-quality workstation.

21.JUDGEMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or not.

22.The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.

more to come

Fortune cookies

[markmoss]

Some fortune cookies know one thing MS Tech support doesnt: "Outlook not Good"

Great 1998 Humor

[Chakat]

Well, it's great 3 year old humor, however, it's now hopelessly outdated, as the Psycho Fiends Notwork, like so many dot.coms, is now dead, god bless its pagan soul. However, I suggest as a follow up, they call up that one West Indian Psychic lady who advertises on the cable channels; though, personally, that lady scares me.

Trouble shooting 101

[glenebob]

Tech: Hi. How can I help you today?

User: My computer won't boot up.

Tech: Hmmm, I'm seeing another computer in your life. Am I right?
--
Damn it Jim, that's my sphincter, not a jelly donut!!!

Hey those were hard questions

[kaimiike1970]

But you would think that (given the advice the psychic friends gave) they could look forward to you solving it and just tell you what you found...