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So You Want to Be A Marine Biologist
daviddlewis writes: "Some humorous thoughts from a marine biologist on why you should/shouldn't be one. The "shoulds" apply to all geek professions."
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i like pork and throwing it at mormons because MORMONS SUCK, stupid mormons i eat them!
Uncle Sam with a Fishing Pole. This is why I read Slashdot.
"The ocean, she is strange and wondrous, filled with animals that disturb even a Frenchman."
fastest slashdotting in history
slashdotted already. mirrors?
To pick up chicks. When was the last time you saw a male MB?? So if you want to "taste something fishy", then definantly become a marine biologist.
[Thanks to Fark.com for all of these wonderfully sick jokes! I couldnt have done it without you! And thanks to all the Anonymous Cowards who have flamed me, I have three words for you! YHBT! YHL! HAND! Apparently this post is extremely good at getting biters. According to an anonymous coward, Attorney General Ashcroft is also after little old WIPO Troll now, in addition to the Canadian cops-on-a-horse that another A.C. sent after me a couple days earlier. Well, this should be fun. Keep up the biting, Slashdotters! ed.]
________________________________________J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
Check google's cache here
is a marine biologist .... in Nebraska.
He currently works as a gardener at a local nursery.
On the up side, I get great prices on trees for my yard.
-- Knowing too much can get you killed, but knowing who knows too much can make you rich.
to be a marine biologist:
The CTO at a company where I worked (and still do once in a while) was a marine biologist. Like the article said: you get to do what you want. You get the expertise and learn more about the creatures living in the ocean, but if you're bright, you can be the CTO for a successful business.
internet like monkeys'
The site is down a few minutes after being posted here. Could be because the site is run on a bitty box running AppleShare.
Anybody have more info on this web server? Is this one shipped by default with OS X?
Shame of Slashdot
apparently you shouldn't become a biologist because the first thing you post will get slashdotted beyond belief.
FreeBSD for the impatient.
Hey, michael! Go piss up a tree and get your dick bitten off by a dog. You fucking' freak. Go snot with the commander of tacos, CmdrTaco. Snot all over yourself...
J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
is it just my imagination, or will slashdot no longer nest comments? i can't get nothing but a flat view. wierd.
The site has returned (for me, at least...)
Funny that everyone says its slashdotted... I can still get to it (then again, I live about 10 miles from the server...).
So you want to be a marine biologist? Well sonny, or sonnette, as the case may be, why don't you just sit down and let a real marine biologist give you some damn good advice. And wipe that smirk off your face, sit up straight and for goodness sakes stop fidgeting! You'd think you had lice the way you are carrying on. You do? Oh well, never mind.
First of all there are three really, really bad reasons to want to be a marine biologist. If you have even an inkling that these are yours, please run away as fast as possible, 'cause neither you nor we will be happy.
Three Really, Really Bad Reasons to Want to Be a Marine Biologist
Reason Number One: "I want to be a marine biologist so that I can talk to dolphins."
Believing this is simply the Kiss of Death. This is the verbal equivalent of reaching down your throat, pulling out your own intestines, wrapping them around your neck and choking yourself. When we hear this our impulse is to thwack you a good one on your keester with the frozen haddock we keep within arm's reach just for this occasion.
And why is that? It is because, and please listen carefully, while you may want to talk to dolphins, dolphins do not want to talk to you. That's right. Mostly, dolphins want to eat fishes and have sex with other dolphins. And that pretty much cuts you out of the loop, doesn't it? Oh, I know that there are the occasional dolphins that hang around beaches, swim with humans and seem to be chummy, but these are the exceptions. You don't judge the whole human race by the people who attend monster car rallies, do you?
Just be honest with yourself. If you want to talk to dolphins you don't want to be a biologist. What you really want to do is explore your past lives, get in touch with the Cosmic Oneness and conduct similar-minded individuals on tours to Central America looking for evidence that We Are Not Alone. Our experience is that people who feel this way last about 6.5 minutes in any biology program.
Reason Number Two: "I want to be a marine biologist because I really like Jacques Cousteau."
That's nice. We really like Jacques Cousteau, too. But, drinking thousands of gallons of red wine while scuba diving around the world does not make you a marine biologist. It makes you a wonderful and effective spokesperson for the sea, and gives you a liver with the consistency of a chocolate necco wafer, but it does not make you a marine biologist.
Reason Number Three: "I want to be a marine biologist because I want to make big bucks."
Okay, here's the bottom line. By Federal law, marine biologists have to take a vow of poverty and chastity. Poverty, because you are not going to make squat-j-doodly in this job. Just how squat is the doodly we are talking about? Well, five years after finishing my PhD I was making slightly less than a beginning manager at McDonalds. Ooh, a 36 year old guy with 13 years of college and 5 years of post-doctoral experience making just about as much as a semi-literate 19 year old with pimples the size of Bolivia, who can speak perhaps 3 words at a time before the term "you know" enters the conversation.
And chastity because, well, who's going to date a marine biologist? The smell alone tends to dissuade a large proportion of the opposite sex.
Two Really, Really Good Reasons to Want to Be a Marine Biologist
Reason Number One: "You can dress and act almost any way you want."
This is true. Marine biologists are almost entirely free of any of those silly restrictions that blight the professional landscape of our fellow proletarians. This is because no one really cares about what we do or what we say. You want to come to work dressed in scabrous khaki shorts and a torn black Sandman shirt? Fine. You want to grow a scruffy beard, get a tattoo of a gooseneck barnacle on your arm or burp at inopportune moments? No problem, just do good work.
Reason Number Two: "If you like it, just do it."
Look, the reality is that you only go around once in life and if, by chance, you do come back, knowing how you have behaved in this life, you will undoubtedly come back as a slime mold. And most slime molds cannot be marine biologists. So just go out there and do what you enjoy. Marine biology is a wonderful profession. You want to find cancer cures by grinding up sponges? How about figuring out why hammerhead sharks always come back to the same seamount? Or where is the missing carbon dioxide that industries are producing; could the ocean be soaking it up? All neat projects. But pay attention here. None of this involves drinking copious quantities of fermented grape juice, while intoning "The ocean, she is strange and wondrous, filled with animals that disturb even a Frenchman."
The ocean is an exciting, never-dull place that is perfect for piddling away your existence. And just think, you actually get paid to think cool thoughts and do cool things.
And so what if you will never have sex again?
First of all there are three really, really bad reasons to want to be a marine biologist. If you have even an inkling that these are yours, please run away as fast as possible, 'cause neither you nor we will be happy.
Three Really, Really Bad Reasons to Want to Be a Marine Biologist
Reason Number One: "I want to be a marine biologist so that I can talk to dolphins."
Believing this is simply the Kiss of Death. This is the verbal equivalent of reaching down your throat, pulling out your own intestines, wrapping them around your neck and choking yourself. When we hear this our impulse is to thwack you a good one on your keester with the frozen haddock we keep within arm's reach just for this occasion.
And why is that? It is because, and please listen carefully, while you may want to talk to dolphins, dolphins do not want to talk to you. That's right. Mostly, dolphins want to eat fishes and have sex with other dolphins. And that pretty much cuts you out of the loop, doesn't it? Oh, I know that there are the occasional dolphins that hang around beaches, swim with humans and seem to be chummy, but these are the exceptions. You don't judge the whole human race by the people who attend monster car rallies, do you?
Just be honest with yourself. If you want to talk to dolphins you don't want to be a biologist. What you really want to do is explore your past lives, get in touch with the Cosmic Oneness and conduct similar-minded individuals on tours to Central America looking for evidence that We Are Not Alone. Our experience is that people who feel this way last about 6.5 minutes in any biology program.
Reason Number Two: "I want to be a marine biologist because I really like Jacques Cousteau."
That's nice. We really like Jacques Cousteau, too. But, drinking thousands of gallons of red wine while scuba diving around the world does not make you a marine biologist. It makes you a wonderful and effective spokesperson for the sea, and gives you a liver with the consistency of a chocolate necco wafer, but it does not make you a marine biologist.
Reason Number Three: "I want to be a marine biologist because I want to make big bucks."
Okay, here's the bottom line. By Federal law, marine biologists have to take a vow of poverty and chastity. Poverty, because you are not going to make squat-j-doodly in this job. Just how squat is the doodly we are talking about? Well, five years after finishing my PhD I was making slightly less than a beginning manager at McDonalds. Ooh, a 36 year old guy with 13 years of college and 5 years of post-doctoral experience making just about as much as a semi-literate 19 year old with pimples the size of Bolivia, who can speak perhaps 3 words at a time before the term "you know" enters the conversation.
And chastity because, well, who's going to date a marine biologist? The smell alone tends to dissuade a large proportion of the opposite sex.
Two Really, Really Good Reasons to Want to Be a Marine Biologist
Reason Number One: "You can dress and act almost any way you want."
This is true. Marine biologists are almost entirely free of any of those silly restrictions that blight the professional landscape of our fellow proletarians. This is because no one really cares about what we do or what we say. You want to come to work dressed in scabrous khaki shorts and a torn black Sandman shirt? Fine. You want to grow a scruffy beard, get a tattoo of a gooseneck barnacle on your arm or burp at inopportune moments? No problem, just do good work.
Reason Number Two: "If you like it, just do it."
Look, the reality is that you only go around once in life and if, by chance, you do come back, knowing how you have behaved in this life, you will undoubtedly come back as a slime mold. And most slime molds cannot be marine biologists. So just go out there and do what you enjoy. Marine biology is a wonderful profession. You want to find cancer cures by grinding up sponges? How about figuring out why hammerhead sharks always come back to the same seamount? Or where is the missing carbon dioxide that industries are producing; could the ocean be soaking it up? All neat projects. But pay attention here. None of this involves drinking copious quantities of fermented grape juice, while intoning "The ocean, she is strange and wondrous, filled with animals that disturb even a Frenchman."
The ocean is an exciting, never-dull place that is perfect for piddling away your existence. And just think, you actually get paid to think cool thoughts and do cool things.
And so what if you will never have sex again?
Though... this is probably my one chance to get an article submitted.
You know places like Fiji, Floridia Keys, Tahiti, Red Sea...
I'm still looking for a nice tech job where I can dive ever other day and will pay for toys.
Most of the Marine Biologist I've meet seem to have fun like Paddy who gives daily lectures to scuba divers at Reef Teach. If your going diving off the Great Barrier Reef, you should see his show first.
If anyone cares, I've got a list of places I've been diving here. BTW, I learned to dive in Missouri...
And so what if you will never have sex again?
What's he mean, "again"?
You post this shit when so many of my quality articles have been rejected (do note the one regarding Jon Katz is still 'pending'):
Here are your recent submissions to Slashdot, and their status within the system:
2001-11-18 05:34:01 Where Can I Get a Windows XP Crack? (askslashdot,xmas) (rejected)
2001-11-25 01:57:29 Ask a Troll! (interviews,news) (rejected)
2001-12-02 00:52:00 Linux: A Giant Turd! (articles,linux) (rejected)
2001-12-09 04:12:43 GPL: Intellectual Protection or Intellectual Theft (articles,announce) (rejected)
2001-12-12 20:36:14 Jon Katz: Asshobbit or Cockgnome? (articles,editorial)
2001-12-24 01:51:51 Hydrophobia and Nerds (science,ed) (rejected)
2001-12-30 02:41:46 Which Slashdot editor has a thing for transexuals? (articles,xmas)
C - A language that combines the speed of assembly with the ease of use of assembly.
That site went down faster than Jon Katz in a room full of 14 year old boys. Christ on a crutch...
C - A language that combines the speed of assembly with the ease of use of assembly.
None of this involves drinking copious quantities of fermented grape juice
and being a geek doesn't mean you have to love coffee, kernel hacker, guiness? What BLASPHEMY!
Although I am a fan of the stout
and so what if you never have sex again
damnit, I was hoping being a geek would get me laid.
The previous has been a secret message to my comrades.
Hot, sweaty sex with the Olsen Twins. Mmmm....
J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
Unfortunately this applies to me. Damn my career choices but hey animals suck. Give me algae any day. At school though there are a lot of good looking women trying to enter the field, so i'd have to disagree with the one about not getting any. Of course going to one of the only schools that has MB as a major is also helpful. University of West Florida or as i've been told the OTHER prestigous school in Florida.
When I was in grade school, that was the number one profession amongst the female demographic. So many dreamt of being marine biologists simply because they wanted to play with dolphins. Good thing someone finally gave them a dose of reality, because the teachers were never going to.
A profession for gays and lesbians ?
Mostly, dolphins want to eat fishes and have sex
And chastity because, well, who's going to date a marine biologist? The smell alone tends to dissuade a large proportion of the opposite sex.
But it certainly attracts the dolphins.
Again?
Ya know, sometime I'm going to make a webpage on a meaningless topic and submit it to slashdot. I think I'll talk about how a little hot sauce on the eyelids really picks up the chicks, because I know that will be of interest to the slashdot crowd.
My fiancee is a neurobiologist. Not a marine biologist but close enough for government work. She just dumped me and I have officially turned to vodka for support. I would have first checked out the article but it has apparently been slashdotted. Therefore there is no solution but the alkihall solution. Cheers all, may your luck be better than mine,
stipe42
Most geeks haven't even mastered talking to humans!
You're using her as bait, Master!
% telnet www.id.ucsb.edu 80
Trying 128.111.138.11...
Connected to www.id.ucsb.edu.
Escape character is '^]'.
GET / HTTP/1.1
Host: www.id.ucsb.edu
HTTP/1.1 500 Internal Server Error
Mime-Version: 1.0
Connection: Close
Date: Sun, 30 Dec 2001 06:32:00 GMT
Server: AppleShareIP/6.3.0
Content-type: text/html
Connection closed by foreign host.curred.</P>BR>IGHT=550> version 3.0-->
him
Piddly Website == Lenny the Hamster,
Slashdot == Pack of Roving Pirahna,
Submitting Piddly Website To Slashdot == *burp*
Yes, it is educational.
Because there are some jobs in some fields that you really do not want to have.
"It is a greater offense to steal men's labor, than their clothes"
You don't judge the whole human race by the people who attend monster car rallies, do you?
:)
Well actually I do.
For once that Dolphin sex link the trolls keep posting is actually on-topic.....
What are you going to eat for dinner? Please answer truthfully.
Why spend years in school to become one. Look at George Costanza from Seinfeld, he is a Marince Biologist, Archictect, Importer-Exporter, and the best damn assistant-to-the traveling secretary the Yankees have ever seen! Just do what he did -- pretend and let other people do all the work. ;)
Winter 2010: With Glowing Hearts
I'm not joining the Marines, not at a time like this. *smirk*
Every once in a while, I hear from folks who want to become a software engineer. Good for you, I say, and why is that? The following is a list of good and bad reasons that I've heard.
I want to be an insanely rich billionaire like Bill Gates. And who wouldn't? The thing is, Bill Gates did not become wealthy through software engineering. Neither did Steve Ballmer, or Larry Ellison, or Scott McNeil. They became billionaires by being brutal, ruthless businesspeople; it just so happens that the business, in their cases, happens to be software.
I want to re-define and revolutionize the way people do X. That motivates a lot of the best people, for sure. Getting yourself in a position to do this is bloody unlikely. There are hundreds of great operating systems, programming languages, databases, etc, out there. Only a few of them really change the way people do things. And while it is still possible to make a buck in this world off a good idea, there's still a lot of luck and business smarts involved (see above) in taking an idea and turning it into a fortune. I've worked for more than one company based on a good idea that, lacking either luck or leadership, turned sour. Many fortunes are lost on such ventures.
I want to be a Revolutionary like RMS and stick it to Microsoft. Hey, great. I now pronounce you a Revolutionary. Now: how are you going to stick it to Microsoft? Any schmuck can write free softwarwe. Not every schmuck can write something world-shaking.
I want to be able to make big bucks. My advice: get a Microsoft certification and milk it. Or better yet, consider another profession, such as auto mechanic. The computer field is subject to many ups and downs; what looked like a steady income yesterday is a quick trip to the unemployment line today, and vice versa. Sure, you can earn the big bucks, but there's no guarantee that it will be a steady income, or that your skills will be in demand three years from now.
I want to solve interesting problems / I love to code / I find computers endlessly fascinating. Well then, you've probably chosen the right profession. There is nothing better than doing what you love.
I want to wear whatever I want and have nobody tell me otherwise. Despite stereotypes, this isn't always going to be possible. Remember, as a coder you're a part of a team, usually trying to conduct business. That means that sometimes, you're going to have to dress up, go to meetings, make presenations, and otherwise do some really boring and unpleasant things. Guess what? That's life! And, especially now that there's a glut of qualified coders, employers are going to expect you to dress and act more like a regular professional.
Did I miss any?
Finding God in a Dog
I want to get laid and have hundred's of women follow me where ever i go We all have dreams. Sitting in a cube for 12 hours a day, with only artificial sunlight won't help. Don't you remeber the last time it happened?
I was to be part of numerous stereotypes that are geeks everywhere You can be a part of this in any job. It's not software people only.
I want to be able to use bad grammer and not have to read what i write. Two things.
1- See above
2- Welcome to Slashdot
It seems that if you look hard enough, you can find this kind of thing for almost any subject. One that instantly springs to mind is Japanese. I sort of wonder why this was posted. Something about news for nerds I obviously missed.
I Browse at +4 Flamebait
Open Source Sysadmin
Slow news day...
Aren't there any available female marine biologists? Besides, if you get a crew of guys together on a boat for a few months, something is bound to happen.
Our car-manufacturing company has developed a new revolutionary business model for making cars.
We give away the cars for free and then we sell services for those cars! If you want to we can clean your car, wax it or you can use some of our other services.
We get cash from a couple of VC's, the rest of them simple don't "get it". If we need more we just call "the suits".
Man o man is it a slow news day. Who posts this drivel?
/. 'ed at 12:32 PST??? Only 32 comments so far.
Some Geeks *want* dolphins, infact, there is an
article circulating on freenet, about something
we should only do with mamals of our own specie,
if you catch my drift.
But I think you have to touch a bunch of yucky things though. Barf.
"God fights on the side with the best artillery." - Napoleon, Marshal of France - speaking truth to power
*belch*
J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, so I can circle Uranus..."
And so what if you will never have sex again?
What do you mean AGAIN ?
IVAN Nethack is not the king anymore.
Spending all that time and money in school to become a marine biologist, and then spreading the word that marine biologists never have sex seems like a very inefficient form of denial.
If you can't afford hookers, there's always alast resort.
I sometimes go out to sea on marine research cruises. Here are some random comments.
Going out to sea is like being in prison except for the additional danger of drowning.
Women that would not be rated a 10 (actually a lot lower), somehow become very popular after a few weeks out at sea.
There is nothing like a breeze and salt spray in your face as you stand at the railing gazing out at a sunset (or sunrise).
There is nothing like pissing out into the ocean as you stand at the railing.
Don't piss at the railing when the wind is in your face. It won't be the salt spray.
Humans? Hmm... that's a bit much. "They" (notice I choose my words carefully :-) ) can talk to, or at least communicate with, fellow geeks. It's talking to, doing things with, and actually touching, the opposite sex where the real problem lies. Talking to a dolphin without blushing and stuttering should not be that much of a challenge. However, understanding the replies is equally difficult in both cases :-)
karma capped
A:But all they want to do is have sex with eachother and eat fish..
Q: I even want to talk to girls!
A: See above!
Case proven, humans and dolphins are alike.
So you love the ocean. There's other ways to make a career as an ocean geek with better job prospects than marine biology. For example ocean engineering, or environmental consulting.
Exactly how much on the short end of the job prospect lever are marine biologists? My wife has a MS in physical oceanography and beat out over 250 marine biologists for her current position, including many Phds(they already had plenty of marine biologists). Not to denigrate her abilties (physical oceanography is extremely difficult), but it probably wasn't coincidental she was the only physical oceanographer, and the outfit had plenty of marine bioligists and ecologists but nobody with physical oceanography knowledge.
I also happen to know a number of marine biologists, but they ALL got their current positions through nontraditional (e.g. not tenure track academic). Some came to their jobs from moving between government regulation/research and private industry in mariculture (ocean farming); some moved between working at educational institutions like museums or environmental NGOs and environmental consulting companies. One even got to do research by landing a job as dive master for a university and moving up by being useful.
Post may contain irony: discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea or elevated blood pressure.
Hmm, being from Europe I have noticed that quite often the VERY attractive girl(s) in the Standard American Low Cost Soap or Cheap Movie is a Marine Biologist.
From this I deduce that a rather large percentage of the US (and I see a growing tendency in Australia as well) Marine Biologists are incredible beautiful model type young girls, although often with with larger key features (aehmn). They also quite often are very naive and have affairs with men who Only Are Up To No Good.
Even girls in their late teens (with mid-twenties female features) can be fully professional Marine Biologists over there if they are beautiful enough (and aren't already scientists, a profession with also have many beautiful women or works for a advertisement agency).
So I want to quit my SW development job and go to the US working as a Marine Biologist, Scientist or Advertisement Something That Doesn't Require Any Education because of all the incredibly beautiful and naive or at least flimsy girls working in these jobs.
Only downside is ofcourse that they seem to be unable to maintain a long term relationship (say between a week and a few months on the max), but one should not smell only one flower anyway...
http://www.dolphinsex.org
If you want to talk to dolphins be a genetisist.
If you like jaque cousteou (whatever) be an author.
If you want to make big bucks sue a lot of people.
We all have our callings.
If you found the text from the original post funny you might want to check out the Career Guide for Engineers and Computer Scientists by Philip Greenspun.
Dejan
www.jelovic.com
First off, as a longtime reader and marine biologist, let me express my glee that we finally get something in /. - we're geeks too! heehee.
Secondly, on the dolphin note.....well, funny y'all should mention this, as recently, a few marine bio friends and i were having a discussion on just this topic...It all started from how saying you were a marine biologist interested in learning the secret language of dolphins could be a great pickup line at a bar... The smell... well, isn't that what colgne is for!
Hey, my girlfriend didn't my dead rockfish aroma TOO much....at first..
When I studied engineering we used to pretend that we studied marine biology - saving whales, dolphins and shit. The chicks loved it. I think the guy must be too serious whenever he talks about marine biology to females, don't mention seaweed and rotten fish - go for the juicy baywatch like stuff
Unable to read configuration file '/bigassraid/htdig//conf/14229.conf'
Geocrawler error message.
That's a tough one... I think it depends on how long the fish has been rotting. 3 hours in hot water to defrost.......that'll do ye. hehe.
Then again, you could be working with 3mm worms. Now THAT'S sexy.
I remember reading something similar (memory, like hair, is not well served by aging) in a scuba magazine a few years back. Except that the article had more to it, like:
* you usually dive in the worst conditions (this is no pleasure cruise) and not necesserily (sp?) when you feel like it.
* you regularily discover just before a dive that your scuba gear has been eaten by mysterious life-forms, especially anything silicon (like your masks's skirt, etc.). You can also see your gear damaged by careless co-workers walking on it, dropping a tank on it, etc.
* contrary to the tv shows, they never have enough anti-venom right away, so any rock that isn't (or fire coral or...) can inflict endless hours of pure enjoyment -- if you're in S&M...
* the food on the dive boat sucks (but then, who cares, when you're going to throw it up in those 10 foot swells?).
* etc.
So the question is, is this article an original, or is it an edited version of a previously published one?
Yes, it will.
good thing you people didnt bomb the main ucsb server, i kinda still need to register for my classes next quarter and check my email
I think the most interesting thing to come out of this article is the burried link to the exploding whale videos. Good times.
Why not to study Japanese.
The answer the author provides isn't that such information will necessarily save the world (may be it will) but rather that what drives these scientists is the sheer fun/excitment of looking and discovering things. Quoting the authors of another book "Tropical Nature", 'Complexity excites the mind and the discovery of patterns rewards it." Who needs art - or "Star Wars" movies for that matter? Well, the same answer applies to basic science - "it's good for us" ...
so that part about never having sex again is not entirely true.
One of the better career paths for Marine Biologists can be to wear a military uniform. In the US, this can be with the US Navy, Coast Guard, or NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration). Of course, the jobs can range from training dolphins to retrieve torpedos to investigating / marketing new great lakes seafoods (a task a friend of mine, a NOAA officer, once had!).
no i want to be a marine !