Dave Barry Does Windows

retrosteve writes: "Well, it's finally happened. Someone (Dave Barry) in the popular press has finally, explicitly and with a sense of humour, pointed out that Microsoft Windows doesn't get any more reliable or usable, no matter how many versions you buy."

Comments

not always 100% correct.

[tid242]

Dave Berry also pointed out in a newspaper clipping that there was no one left living in North Dakota, well i usually see at least 2 or 3 people every day wandering about on this side of the border (not including myself), so take his arguements with a grain or salt...

Of course!

[nougatmachine]

Dave Barry also pointed out in his book, Dave Barry in Cyberspace (IIRC), that there was always a parallel universe called "Macintosh" created with the bizarre idea a human could actually use it.

Barry was quick to point out that manly computer users such as himself didn't want a computer they could use, and so the Macintosh has a pitiful market share, even to this day ; )

Re:Of course!

[Jeremi]

OS X on the other hand, simply rocks.

It's more Reggae than rock at the moment, but I'm sure that will change as CPUs get faster...

But they continue to innovate!

[Autonomous Crowhard]

One of the things you have to admit about Micros~1 is that they don't just sit on their hands and let the world pass them by. NO!!! They continue to find new and interesting bugs.

Things that you've never seen before. Things that you would have told yourself, "There's no way anyone would release something with a hole that obvious."

There's a whole world of possibilities out there. As long as we allow Micros~1 to be free to innovate, they will continue to find them!

Free software is evil. If you don't pay money for something no matter how bad it is thent he terrorists win!

Re:But they continue to innovate!

[Jucius Maximus]

"One of the things you have to admit about Micros~1 is that they don't just sit on their hands and let the world pass them by. NO!!! They continue to find new and interesting bugs."

Here's the best one I've seen: In a certain issue of PC Magazine back maybe 3-4 years ago (I just picked it up for a few minutes to read at Chapters) they had this little thing highlighting an error in MSIE where a reader had sent in a screenshot:

It was the following error: "Microsoft Internet Explorer was unable to load the page www.microsoft.com: the data was invalid."

Re:The Inmates.

[BeagleBoi]

So many error messages do make the user feel they've done something wrong. "Invalid operation!", "Syntax Error at line 14!" and all the rest of them.

My recent application had the following user error message: "Ooops, something went wrong. Don't worry, it's probably not your fault. Try it again."

Re:MSCE

[Monkeyman334]

Heh, +1 funny for getting the joke. Lemme try.

Funny how in the story there are so many versions of Windows. Damnit, they make a new version and it still isn't better. Why do they call it new version? Why do people buy them?

Re:What am I missing?

[Greg Lindahl]

The Age of Aquarius dawns once every 26,000 years; it has to do with the precession of the equinoxes.
Can we assume your knowledge of Windows is as poor as your knowledge of astronomy/astrology?

Re:MSCE

[Scooter]

LOL - I find all these "consultants" do this. The scenario goes like this:-

PHB A wants technology X (eg "we need an MQ server cluster - anyone know anything about MQ?")

I (as chief tech architect) say "well erm no, actually we dodn't have any actual experince in implementing that - but how hard can it be?"

PHB A :"well I want experienced people in to do it"

Me "OK"

2 *weeks* or more later IBM (or whoever) supply some guy with a label saying "MQ Expert" on him and he enters the room:-

MQ Guy: "Stand back, I'm certified."

He then, as Barry reports, proceeds to read the manual that came in the box, call tech. support and general arse about for 4 days - whilst charging us the Earth per day.

Eventually, I sidle over and start to chat to him about the various issues, and reading the help/book over hist shoulder get a handle on how it all fits together. I try giving him subtle hints that he's barking up the wrong tree, and he needs to try something or other to prove premise Y and so on but he doggedly tries to follow the instructions...

Eventually, MQ guy announces that he must go away to confer with more MQ guys back at base. "Fine" say I. I then install the product and make it work in 2 hours, and cancel MQ guy.

MQ was just one example - it *always* happens like this and the PHB's never learn - they still want to pay someone big bucks for nothing. Same thing happned with Lotus Notes (although the answer to that one is just "Don't"), Oracle this and that, and a myriad of more obscure technologies.

You have to marvel at anyone who claims to be able to "fix Windows" though....

Re:No no, he got it wrong

[tunah]

each time there is one out, I'm told it's better.

And they don't lie, them MS marketers. Dem good honest folk.

New .sig

[mlknowle]

I just found my new .sig:

"I bring this all up because now Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the ``most reliable Windows ever.'' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is ``the most articulate vegetable ever.''

Re:What am I missing?

[Stackis]

I personally like Windows67

Smoking a big fat doobie, and listening to Jeff Beck...

Re:No no, he got it wrong

[MrWa]

M$ has fought so hard over the years to brainwash people into thinking that computers naturally and unavoidably hang regularly that people actually believe it ! (remember that famous quote supposedly from a M$ support guy saying to a customer that "memory is like gasoline, you use it up then your computer has to fill up the tank again by restarting" ?)

Oh, I always thought this was caused by the computer being on too long, overheating the electrons and causing them to expand to the point that they got stuck in one of the small bends on the circuity resulting in a crash...

Re:What am I missing?

[xg0blin]

I think I realize what happened. You haven't touched it in six months I bet. Dude, go try to move your mouse, your computer is locked up, didn't you notice the time was wrong?

Windows does Dallas...,

[dan_the_heretic]

Hmmmm,
does anyone know where I can get a copy? Just for eval, of course

Re:MSCE

[friscolr]

MQ was just one example - it *always* happens like this and the PHB's never learn - they still want to pay someone big bucks for nothing.

For me the best was Blackboard (i work at an educational institute).

Someone ordered this prearranged package of a Dell w/ linux preinstalled and paid the extra points for someone to come out and install the hardware, then someone to install the blackboard software. It was a really big important project which required me to work over the holidays (this is at an edu, which is normally closed around xmas).

First the hardware installer. He comes out, opens the box, removes the equipment, plugs everything in, verifies it boots up, then leaves. it was around $1500 for 10 minutes of work.

Then i proceeded to fix up the install - as i recall it was a default 6.2 install with the words "DELL" added here and there - and to go through some stuff blackboard had sent me (make sure mysql, apache, some perl modules are installed on the system).

Next comes the blackboard installer. He sits down at the keyboard and says, "oh, it's a linux system, i'm not very good at that, why don't you do the typing". He hands me a sheet of instructions of what he's supposed to do - at the top is install apache, mysql, some perl modules (ah, that was *his* job) and then download the blackboard package and install that. Takes me about 15 minutes of typing/waiting then everything's done.

"Gee, that was easy" the guy says and leaves. He gets another $1500 for watching over me as i typed.

Re:MSCE

[AnalogBoy]

My manager at one of my previous employers was an MSCE. Its apparently a very, very rare and highly prized certification, especially in management ranks. Its up there with the CCIE.

This manager of mine mysteriously got let go from his position. I can't imagine why. According to HR, he had the required BS Degree.. But he recently took a position as a PC Technician just because he wanted something "Less challanging".

Sign me up for the MSCE next - I wanna be a systems manager, too. They make money, even if they dont know the fundimentals of system security.

[begin bitch]
Systems Administrator (21yo, 4YR exp, Clue, MCP, SCNA, SCSA) = $39,500 + Shitty bene's.

Systems Manager (54yo, 5YR exp, No clue, no certs, no previous management exp.) = $60,000 + the same shitty bene's.
[end bitch]

Re:Sorry, but what's the point?

[Stackis]

How the fuck did this get a mod of funny? What the...

Re:emergency? dial 911 fast

[breon.halling]

So, did you get your Spice Girl tickets? ;)

Re:MSCE

[ImaLamer]

And why should they get paid for that?

Because! They know what questions to ask and how.


MCSE: So it's the registry huh?

Tech: Yeah, it's fucked.

MCSE: [to Dave] We need to go get XP.

Dave: Why?

MCSE: [to Tech] What did you say the problem was?

Tech: You don't have XP

MCSE: Ok.

MCSE: [to Dave] Ummm, yeah. XP supports your old hardware better. And it never crashes.

Tech: Hey! Don't say never. We never say never at Microsoft. The term is 'more stable'.

MCSE: [to Dave] XP is a more stable OS.

Dave: So it won't crash?

MCSE: [to Tech] What do I tell him?

Re:emergency? dial 911 fast

[Banjonardo]

DOH!

I meant: Since when is a bunch of rabid spice girls fans NOT a natural catastrophe?

Re:What am I missing?

[shogun]

Personally I thought all Windows were just variants of Windows 1984.

Re:Speaking of Banking

[mlsemon2]

My favorite glitch was not Windows itself but a Windows program glitch. Imagine rushing on an already-rickety railcar at full speed through the narrow tunnels of Denver International Airport, only to hear the Ding! Ding! Ding! of the Windows default sound as error dialog boxes pop up somewhere unknown to you. The next prerecorded messages over the railcar intercom were "An unknown error has occurred. An unknown error has occurred. An unknown error has occurred" as lights in the car flickered on and off. Fortunately for me, the car acutally stopped at its destination.

JC?

[mazachan]

Has it occurred to anyone that it took someone with the initials "J.C." to get his windows up and running? Apparently JC often performs miracles.

Re:And all we need now to complete the picture

[Tony-A]

Hmmm, AOLinux?
(*ducks and runs*)

Re:What am I missing?

[Sj0]

Fool! Those telescreens worked *ALL THE TIME!*

:)

One cannot effectively create a totalinarian police state when your telescreens keep crashing. DUH! :)