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Fighting Telemarketers with Technology
prostoalex writes "According to an MSNBC story, 104 million telemarketing calls are made daily in the U.S. alone and technology is on the way to fight those special offers and incredible credit card rates. Zenith EZ HangUp, The Phone Butler, TriVOX VN100 and ScreenMachine are quoted in the article as new gadgets that allow phone owners to avoid the plagues of telemarketing."
Does it work for my mother-in-law?
"The Phone Butler takes over, delivers his legally-correct message in a very polite, British-butler's voice, then terminates the call automatically when he is done!"
I'm not sure if I'd even wish that upon a tele-marketer...
s200.org - visit it (me), love it (me).
All those calls were faked by the phone company for years so that you'd get pissed off enough to pay $4 more per month to make them stop.
I just don't answer the phone. I have a handy device known as an "answering machine." This device answers the phone on my behalf and allows me to hear what the other party has to say. I then can decide if I want to take call. I call this process "screening my calls." I've found it to be most useful. Previously, I received numerous wrong number calls, or worse, telemarketers. I've found that very rarely do telemarketers talk to my wonderous machine. However, when they do, I've found it effective to quickly "answer and hang up."
I've already applied for a patent on the "answering machine", the "screening calls" process, and the "answer and hang up" process. If you infringe on my patents expect numerous calls from lawyers...
So you pay for your right to be left alone. So USA.
I hadn't the slightest objection to his spending his time planning massacres for the bourgeoisie... (P.G. Wodehouse)
Really, on a boring night, it really can be a slightly entertaining trying to sell a telemarketer something YOU own.
Thing is, you have to really push it and not make it sound like a joke. When they scoff and give a laughing no to buying your Miata, use their tactics: Don't take no for an answer, incredulously ask why they would be interested in being a cool person with a cool car, ask where they live, how nice it would be to drive a convertible around, etc.
You'll run THEM off the phone in no time.
---"What did I say that sounded like 'Tell me about your day?'"---
I'll put this one in the public domain, so as we can all benefit from it:
If you're in the mood, answer the phone. Answer with your name, e.g., "This is Doug." If there is a pause, or the person on the other end says, "May I speak with Mr. X", they are a telemarketer (in all likelihood). The pause is a dead giveaway, and asking for me by last name means they don't know who I am.
At this point, hang up the phone. No need to be polite and try to reason your way out of the call. Really. It's okay. These are professional telemarketers. This kind of rejection rolls off their back like water on a duck (Simpson's, Daryl Strawberry anyone?).
If the call really was legitimate, they'll be calling back, although I haven't had a false positive using this technique yet.
This technique is licensed under the GPL.
Giddy Up.
The best way to get rid of telemarketers? Tell them a joke.
You "What has a small penis and hangs up side down?"
Them "I don't know"
You "A bat. What has a big penis and hangs up?"
Them "I don't know"
You *click*
Since doing that our telemarketing calls drop dramaticly.
Well some people do want these calls! This guy seems to have the most fun with them. I get a chuckle everytime I hear the calls he gets.
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
So I keep a pad of paper by the phone. When they call, I ask the person their full name, and I have them spell it. I ask them the name of their company. Then I politely say "I want you to take me off of your list, and never call here again". They are used to dealing with aholes, but they aren't so used to dealing with someone who takes down all their info and speaks nicely but firmly with them. They get a little freaked when you ask for their name, but they usually give it to you. Now THEY are tied to the call, so they have a vested interest in not pissing you off. As we all know, people are a lot more bold when they are Anonymous Cowards.
My beliefs do not require that you agree with them.
Okay, I used to program call centers
Ah. So it's all *your* fault then.
Thanks so much.
GMFTatsujin
I take one of the following tactics, depending on my mood:
ONE The legal approach, which could probably make you some (odd todd voice) Money.
Ask this question:"What company do you work for?"
Write down the answer, or don't... unless you want to try to get them, write down the date as well.
Read this to them:
"In accordance with the Telephone Consumer Protection Act of 1991 I formally request you put me on your do not call list. Any repeated calls to this phone number will result in legal action against your company. Do you understand?"
Then hang up
TWO The fun approach, start asking them random survey questions, and expand on the answers. The goal here is to find out what kind of people are in the world with no worry of their opinon of you. Keeping them on the phone raises their long distance bill too I guess...
What kind of computer do you own?
What operating system do you have on it?
Have you heard of linux?
How much memory does your system have?
What type of internet connection do you have?
What browser do you use?
Do you own or rent?
What type of car do you drive?
Do you smoke cigarettes?
-Or any slashdot poll...
THREE Make them listen, If I am doing something like playing the piano/guitar or listening to music, I usually just put the phone down without hanging up. I've had people listen to me play the piano for about 20 min without hanging up. Pathetic part is they go right into the pitch after that, as opposed to, "That really sucked, why don't you take some lessons"
FOUR, Two year old, Give the phone to my two year old, she doesn't have a credit card yet.
FIVE, Porn Read them something from the Penthouse Forum, or make something up along those lines.
SIX Turrets syndome, don't hang up, listen to response.
M@
Krispy Cream is people
Whatever you do, NEVER tell a Telemarketer to put you on the DNC list!!! Always say "Do Not Call" list!
Otherwise, in no time at all, the Democratic National Committee will be calling you, hitting you up for donations every night during supper!
A couple years back I heard a guy on the radio. He taped telemarketer calls for comic purposes. He always had them call back later so he could prepare. Anyways, one day he had a call from a pre-bought funeral/gravesite service. He said to call back tomorrow then recored it. It was totally hilarious, here is the transcript as best as I can remember. Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a pre-paid funeral service and gravesite to spare your family the burden . . . Guy: (Sniffing as if he just got done crying) You know, it is amazing that you called just now. You see, I got fired yesterday. My wife said she coulnd't take living with such a loser any more, so she took my kids and left me. I was just praying to god to give me a sign if I should kill myself or not, and then you called! TM: Ummmm, sir, can I get you some help or something. Guy: No, you have made my decision very clear for me. How can I pay for the funeral, do you take visa? TM: Uh, no, I can't do that right now. But I can have a salesman come visit you next week. Can I call somebody to help you or something. Guy: Nope, I'm fine. Hang on a second. (pause, then sound of gunshot then dude falling to ground) TM: SIIIRRRR!!! then scrambles to call the cops, ambulance, whatever.
My motto is: Never give up - unless it's harder than you want it to be.
Damn! That sounds rough. Get some snakes if you can and let them go up in your attic. If you put a heat lamp on a timer in there, they'll probably stay and will definitely reduce your packrat population.
Since you're a homeowner, it might make sense in your case to keep the inline plus... In the case of apartment renters, though, it's wildly unnecessary.
Good luck with the packrat situation!
$5 / month hosted VPS on linux = awesome!
Just invite them for a swim with their new gift from you: the Sodium Swimming Suit.
Table-ized A.I.
A friend of mine was recieving fax spam. Every morning they would fax him a doc that was several pages long.
Finally, he faxed them a 2 page message saying "Stop faxing me immediatly," The ends of the two page doc were taped together making a loop that would continuously go through his fax machine and be sent to the faxmarketer. After sending about 180 pages of this message, they ran out of paper.
They never faxed him again.