Slashdot Mirror
Ask Internet Expert Dave Barry
This is a man who obviously knows a lot about the Internet. I am not making this up. He wrote a book about it. He has his own blog, his own Web site, and his own online alt.fan newsgroup with its own FAQ. Not only that, he is in a band and writes a syndicated humor column that often covers matters of interest to Slashdot readers. What are you going to ask him? Up to you, as long as you hold it down to one question per post. We'll send Dave 10 of the highest-moderated questions and post his answers as soon as we get them back, after which we're sure many alert readers will have much to add even if they haven't heard about Bennett Haselton's excellent automated Dave Barry column generator.
In what way will the internet change daily life in the months and years to come - will we see an increasing amount of wireless access on phones with web content to follow? Online Voting? 3d porn? What are your predictions?
--------
Free your mind.
How did you feel when the studio refused to release the film of "Big Trouble" after 9/11? Did you think it appropriate to hold the release?
The Tooth phone. I would just love to hear (arh arh) his take on it.
Dave,
So, when you were a little kid, were you the class clown type, where all of your humor come naturally and you flaunted it in the lunchroom or in the halls, whether everyone else was laughing at you or not?
Seriously, did you want to become a humourous writer/author when you were a child? When did you realize it could be a viable career?
Thx,
Ryan
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Recently it was announced that Tony Kornheiser, another well-known columnist, might be the subject of a situation comedy going into development. Were you pleased overall with how you were portrayed in the television series based on your life, Dave's World? How did you feel when it left the air? Is it in syndication anywhere these days?
So long, michael. Don't let the door hit you...
When you vote, do you vote for the candidate that is going to make your job easier as a humor columnist? Or do you actually try to vote for the best canditate?
What are your (as opposed to your publisher's) opinion on the subject of fair use as it applies to your weekly column? Do you have a problem with people qoting parts (or all) of it in email and via their web sites?
Mr. Barry... I own several of your books, as well as a copy of the 'Big Trouble' movie. (I hope you're getting some kind of royalties for that...). In all of your writing, the piece that I felt was the most powerful was your segment on visting Hiroshima in 'Dave Barry does Japan' and witnessing the holiday celbrated in rememberance of the bombing.
You've written a few more very serious pieces, such as the column on your visit to one of the 9-11 crash sites.
My question is why do you not do more serious columns and articles like these more often? While I think that your columns and humor articles are great (milk-through the nose funny, frequently) I can't help but feel that the Hiroshima and 9-11 articles were better.
The next Slashdot story will be ready soon, but subscribers can beat the rush and slashdot the links early!
Many celebrities present a technologically aloof public persona.
A few, like you, Wil, Bill Shatner, Moby, Adam Curry, etc. openly embrace technology and don't fear the 'geek' label.
What's your take on the state of celebrity & personal technology. Are most celebrities to dumb to run a Tivo or use eBay?
nuclear iraq bioweapon encryption cocaine korea terrorist
Do you think that the phrase "Slashdot Effect" would make a great name for a band?
If brevity is the soul of wit, then how does one explain Twitter?
Nonsanity
I've read your various comlumns on how to turn an ordinary toaster into a flamethrower using only a strawberry Pop-Tart. I think there's a large market for this - would you be interested in mass producing pastry-powered weapons with me? If you're against the idea of creating weapons, do you know how we could make the flame-throwing toaster into something else useful, perhaps having welding applications? I think it's safe to say a successful New Economy will be based upon Pop-Tarts, and we should really move to it before it's too late.
Dave, what is the status of your brave and lonely campaign to rescind the low-flow toilet legislation?
Can you forsee a day where you as an established columnist will publish all of your books and columns via your own web page and not via creator's syndicate (or whoever you use)?
Why do you use italics so much?
-- Repeat with me: "There is no right to profits".
From your blog:
"I have an odd little connection to the Columbia: It once carried a book of mine into space."
That is very cool. I've read some of your books and columns over the years and find your work very, very funny.
My question is this; humorists such as yourself can sometimes find humor in the most horrific of events. How do you find humor in events that are obviously touchy? Do you think finding humor in something like this will help people heal?
You know you're a geek if you've ever replied to a tagline.
Seeing how he's now dead, do you think we have seen the end of Dick Nixon's political career?
There's a growing sense that even if The Future comes,
most of us won't be able to afford it.
-- Lemmy
Mr. Barry,
As a nationally syndicated author, you're in quite a high profile position. I have no doubt that, had this interview not come up, you'd be busy doing things you get paid to do.
That said, why did you agree to do this interview? Did you think it would be a neat thing to do? Is this another way for people to learn about your column, or are you learning more about what's on the minds of your readers? Are we going to get our own article written about us (no doubt that would be a funny and possibly humbling experience)? As someone from "the outside world", do you see us as a bunch of people with wide backgrounds and experiences, or are we the teenage boy group that TV tells us owns and authors the internet?
A lot goes on in peoples lives, whether it's horrible events (such as 9/11 or recently the space shuttle blowing up), or personal events (we've all had these). Do you ever find yourself having trouble being funny, and what do you do to cure this problem?
Sure, Bush is passing hundreds of millions of dollars for research into hydrogen fuel cell technology to halt dependence on oil. But what about experts' claims that supplies of The Internet will run dry by 2018? Do you, as America's foremost lobbyist to Congress, know of any pending legislation to address this threat?
One question per post... ehehe....
Mr. Barry, as we all know, the Internet is slowly killing paper news media, along with cable news. Internet news sites can carry more material, archive it an available format longer, and can target the news to a much finer-grained audience than a newspaper can hope to do. Humour in the form of comic strips or humour articles like yours can come in a much-wider array of content, and can be targeted at any subject or audiences accustomed to any level of acceptable content.
My local paper recently began to distribute free copies in an effort to revive spiraling circulation rates. This signals to me that all but the largest papers are beginning to feel the pinch from internet news and media distribution most keenly. I suspect that in the near future, only the largest papers will survive (MH possibly being one of those) and that online news sources will be accepted as the preferred method for news delivery.
Assuming that your job as a columnist for a paper should go away, what contingency plans do you have to continue to ply your craft in a completely wired world? (I already read your columns online rather than in the print version of the MH or my local paper.)
The next Slashdot story will be ready soon, but subscribers can beat the rush and slashdot the links early!
Why are you being interviewed on Slashdot, as opposed to, say, my uncle Simon?
You think Dave should be interviewed on your uncle Simon?
I've had a good response to the idea of an internet spammer hunting license or season, complete with cute orange ear tags for the spammers.
"It is a greater offense to steal men's labor, than their clothes"
Dave - I keep hearing people complain about "privacy issues" when they talk about the internet. Since you're an Expert, i thought i'd ask you about it. What are these "privacy issues" and should we be worried about them?
I also wanted to ask about SPAM, since you are an Expert. I got lots of neat offers for goods and services every day, from sexually adventurous women (and men, and women and men, and animals, and women and animals, and men and animals, and women and men and animals, and turnips, and - you get the picture) to desperate Nigerians who need help moving their family fortunes out of their war-torn country. But i've never received any SPAM. What is SPAM (besides a tasty treat) and why is everyone always complaining about it?
One final question. You are an Expert who is in a band and has been involved with movies. Are the RIAA and MPAA really a bunch of soul-sucking ghouls whose Machiavellian business practices enslave artists and consumers alike just so that the top executives can buy new multi-million-dollar penises (penisii?) - i mean - homes and cars, or are they a bunch of fun-loving nuts who just want people to enjoy high-quality art (like the sci-fi thriller, "Jason X", and the equally astounding, "Britney Spears' Breasts") at a reasonable price, so they can devote their much-deserved income to feeding the hungry, and promoting liberty and justice for all?
Shameless (yet really totally sincere) brown nosing: DAVE BARRY RULEZ!
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
Are you going to reprint the stupidest questions in your column?
word.
Dave,
are you often recognized "on the street"? What I mean is, you're obviously very famous and have tons of fans. But at the same time, I get the sense that you have more of a "cult" following and maybe aren't as well-recognized as, say, Ben Affleck or Chris Rock. Do you have to change your daily routine to avoid being swarmed by adoring fans, or do or do you enjoy relative anonymity in your daily life?
PS - you recently wrote that Michigan ranked among the stupidest states because we have an "official state soil." I heartily agree, but boy did your column provoke some angry letters in the Kalamazoo Gazette!
As a newspaper columnist, noted author, and booger specialist, is the concept of privacy a major issue for you? Do you have trouble reconciling your desire for privacy with having millions of people intimately familiar with your life (Ie Your articles on your son getting hit by a car almost brought me to tears, in the same way we all felt like we as a nation knew Bill Cosby's son)?
Never confuse volume with power.
Dave,
you've written many hilarious columns about the foibles of the Federal Government. Isn't this like shooting fish in a barrel?
Does it make people stupid? For example, during the shuttle tragedy, you could tell who watched a lot of TV that day. Those people sounded like the news anchormen. Big fluffy, hollow, rambling, pseudo-emotional statements. Regular human beings don't talk like that to each other.
Mac or PC?
Linux or Windows?
The right to offend is far more important than the right not to be offended. (Rowan Atkinson)
Mr. Barry:
:) )
I was rather surprised and impressed by the random out-of-nowhere short story near the end of the Dave Barry in Cyberspace book, and have been kind of wondering since then what would happen if you tried to write anything in a longer format than the standard columns. ( Big Trouble sounds really cool, but I haven't gotten around to picking up a copy yet
Anyway, my question is: Do you have plans to write any more fiction, and is it possible we could see any more movies from you in the future after what happened with Big Trouble?
And do you still write newspaper articles for the Herald outside the scope of the column?
---
Irritable, left-wing and possibly humorous bumper stickers and t-shirts
Corporations, more and more every day, claim they made the internet. They are trying to convince the masses that if it wasn't for them, the intenet wouldn't had existed in the first place and that "it's just another one of their great services".
But the only thing corporations have contributed to the internet is pollution in the search engines, silly banners, spam, DNS confusion, etc.
What is you opinion on this?
DO you belive that one day in 100 years from now, history will be so twisted that our grandchildren will believe that Al Gore made the internet?
If there are 4 urinals in the bathroom and I number them from the left, assuming that 1 and 3 are in use, which urinal should I use to abide by the rules?
Mordor...a magical, mythical land where women are more rare than dragons--but where every man would rather find a dragon
Leaving aside your occasional run for president, your columns (and sense of humor in general) are fairly apolitical. Is there a reason that your humor is more -- well, not mundane, but grounded -- in terms of subject (e.g., the pains of turning forty), rather than political/esoteric?
She sat at the window watching the evening invade the avenue.
Dave:
You should remember me. I'm the guy that shook hands with you that day, two years ago, during the Tropic Hunt in Hollywood. You also signed the napkin I found near the garbage can. I know that it was a clue, but I don't understand why you didn't mention it when you read off the official answers to the Hunt. Clearly the contents were a reference to your many columns on boogers. I still have that napkin and will return it to as soon as you send me your home address.
Anyway, my question is:
How has your life changed since you won a Pullet Surprise? Is the fame and money and gorgeous babes throwing themselves at your feet worth it?
Kwan
PS How much do I need to pay you to get my name in one of your next columns?
In "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits", there was an column entitled "Public-Spirited Citizens Such As You" where you talk about a joke that answers the question, "Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed 'Fritz'?" You ask that everybody write in to The Joke Tracking Center as soon as they hear the joke. I haven't heard the joke, and that question has been keeping me up all night for the past 10 years. Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed Fritz? Also, does The Joke Tracking Center employ bad joke/pun writers? My dad is currently unemployed, and I'm sure he would fit right in.
...oOOo..'(_)'..oOOo...
You've made numerous mentions throughout your writings that you have a large main dog and an emergency backup dog. Given the failure rate of dogs, do you think this is a good policy? How do you handle situations where both dogs fail simultaneously? How many dogs would you have to own in order to maintain a minimum of one functional dog for a period of eight hours?
Also: Have you considered a Beowulf cluster of dogs?
I read your book on the Internet long ago and found it at the same time humorous and poignant. The thing that I still remember is the story at the end illustrating the beginnings of an online relationship. Those relationships seemed to have been all the rage during the public's adoption of the Internet, do you think the Internet still has the capacity to allow people to interact in the same fashion? Or do you think that something in the nature of people or the Internet has changed to make those relationships unfeasible?
Zech Harvey, MCSE, MCDBA, CCNA
Dear Dave,
Once you characterized Miami's endemic corruption (and here I would like to note that Endemic Corruption is a good name for a rock band) was so pervasive that Miami would benefit by being taken over by the Mafia, since then at least COMPETENT criminals would be running the city. In light of that, I'd like to ask you: What's the strangest thing you've ever lit on fire?
Whoops, sorry, that was the FBI Carnovore guys monitoring my computer who slipped that last one in. (Motto: "You're Not Authorized to Know Our Motto.") No, the real question is, has Miami's corruption gotten better or worse since you wrote that, and what would you and Carl Hiaasen do if Miami eliminated its Supersized Corruption and merely went with the Small Corruption with Fries enjoyed by other large American cities?
Lawrence Person (lawrencepersonh@gmailh.com (remove all "h"s to mail)
http://www.lawrenceperson.com/
As a long time fan who has read just about everything you have written, I have wondered what it is like for you when you tackle 'serious issues.' At the end of your 'Cyberspace' book you wrote a surprisingly poignant and subtly emotional look at an unsatisfied housewife experimenting with an online romance. It brought to mind, in the tone and 'feel,' some of what Louis Grizzard, the great humorist, used to write on occasion. It seems like humor columnits have some deep-seeded ability to write in a remarkably moving way at times. What is it that humorists have that can make their writing so insightful about the less humorous aspects of life?
You've mentioned a lot of good suggestions for names for Bands in your columns. What would you say are bad potential (existing?) band names? And what differentiates them?
credo quia absurdum
Hey Dave,
I'm curious about what you think about humour (Canadian spelling) in times of crises. Just before 9/11, I read Bob Hope's autobiography dealing with Pearl Harbour and how important everyone thought it was to keep people laughing because a) it was important for moral and b) it was important to show the Japanese that they hadn't destroyed what it meant to be American.
This doesn't seem to be the case at all after 9/11 (and most recently the loss of Columbia), with the most glaring example being the removal of the Spider-Man trailer (catching a helicopter in a web strung between the two World Trade towers).
What are you thoughts on this and of humour in times of crises in general?
myke predko (not so Anonymous Coward)
What, exactly, is "The WeeWee of Triumph", and when shall we see it next?
Mod Karma -1: I sed bad wurds. If I cep my mouf shut, I wud be at riyses.
Mr. Barry,
/. today. At 1 of the links you were discussing an article about the first Gulf War being a based on a phony PR campaign. I am interested to know if you feel the same way about building tensions in the Mid-East.
I don't read your website except for it being on
As an American living in Europe, I am constantly bombarded with questions about US foreign policy and war with Iraq. I am personally against war but feel the US is justified in trying to remove Saddam from power and feel that it will benefit the people in the long run. Although most Europeans are anit-war (or just anti-US), a few of my friends from Afghanistan and Azerbaijan seem to feel as I do. What do you think?
In my local paper, they replaced your column with one about sex. Have you considered the possibility of broadening your appeal by including weekly advice on cunnilingus?
...why pick Harry Anderson to play the guy 'loosely' based on you in a sitcom 'loosely' based on you? Who were the runners-up?
soooo many annoying flashing things, NONE
of which have any relation to you or your
material?
Are those supposed to be of some benefit?
Scientific studies have repeadedly shown
that Netizens (particularly SlashDotters)
either:
1. Block these things in the first place
2. Hit Esc or other such to MAKE THEM STOPP!!
3. Leave a website immediately when they see so many.
Exceeding the recommended torque is not recommended.
Dave,
Is it painfull to read all these attempts at asking a 'funny' question?
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
Dave,
I have been reading your articles and books for longer than I care to remember. I've read about your son growing up, your dogs, your relocations, vacations and everything else under the sun. When will the last article 'So Long, I Retire' by Dave Barry come up?
The Natalie Portman Project Featuring Hot Grits
Jon Katz Overdrive
Cheers,
Mzilikazi
Random Musings at Rum Smuggler
Favorite Barry article of all time, had to plug it.
You fall a close second to my favorite author of all time, the sadly-passed Douglas Adams, author of the magnificent "Hitch-Hiker's Guide" series. It makes me wonder, who was/is your favorite author of all time? And did this person have any influence on your writings?
"Don't Panic"
Mr. Barry,
There have been monumental events during which people can recall exactly where they were when the incident happened. Notable examples include:
- The JFK assassination
- The moon landing
- The Challenger and Columbia incidents
My question is: where were you when Al Gore invented the Internet?
Trolling is a art,
If you do not answer this question in a thoughtful manner I will be forced to post large, outdated pictures of my children next to a blinking and hideously ugly "Website Under Construction" image. And no, I do not need your help with this so that I can complete a school project.
- - BTW, thanks for all the good "work" you do!
If you're:
a) very secure and self-confident.
b) late for a meeting.
c) about to explode.
Then it is permissible to use #4 (assuming that no toilet stalls are open). Just remember that people will assume you are:
d) not a heterosexual.*
However, if you do not fit the first three criteria, you are required to stand back and wait for either urinals 1 or 3 to open up, while not actually looking like you're waiting. It is recommended that you use either the Handwashing Feint or the Hair Check Gambit. Your bathroom peers will assume you are either a hypochondriac or really vain, but either is preferable to looking like you're too chicken to just march up into the line.
Under NO condition are you allowed to use urinal #3.
I hope this clears up your question.
* Not that there's anything wrong with that.
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
In your articles, changing the names to protect the innocent doesn't seem to be a concern. Has this ever caused legal problems or tension with your friends? For example, do your neighbors Steele and Bobbette ever share any interesting anecdotes about running into Dave Barry fans? Thanks for taking the time to answer.
-----
My favorite sig: "...I'd rather have my appendix removed by baboons weilding unsterilized tuna can lids..." -- Dave Barry
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso
I've come to the conclusion that the single worst song of all time is "My Sharona" by Knack. Observe:
What is the best way to cope with a bad song in your head? I personally favor slapping my forehead with my palm while shouting "Out! Out! Out!" but I've heard that some people have had great success by stabbing their shoulder with an ice pick.
As an expert on bad songs, I'm sure your insights into this matter can help alleviate a great deal of human suffering.
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
2004 Presidential ticket:
Dave Barry, President
Scott Adams, Vice President
Seriously, have you ever thought about working to change society instead of just making fun of it? You've shown you have a keen sense of what is important (boogers and sex), what is wrong (kids on planes), and how to fix it (buy random parts from appliance store). I'd vote for you.
The uncondensed sig, in honor of Dave: "I'm sorry, John, but my time is precious to me, and frankly I would rather have my appendix removed by baboons wielding unsterilized tuna-can lids than spend so much as five minutes listening to you and Elaine as you once again describe, item by item, in intricate detail, the late-night buffet on the cruise you took in 1983." -- Dave Barry
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso
Dave,
A frequent motif in your weekly columns has been "this would be a great name for a rock band." E.g. ``Pain and Suffering?'' and Weasel Feet.'' My question is: are you aware of any band that has taken one of your suggestions to heart and named themselves after one of them?
In Soviet Russia you dant have to put up with these crappy jokes
Hi Dave,
In your opinion, does the Internet allow you to be more creative, or does the sheer volume of stuff out there just lead you to rehash existing material? How much surfing do you do?
Recently, I looked for a specific old column to forward to a potential future fan (who had an experience that you wrote about) and discovered that is now almost impossible to find your older works on the 'net. It looks like someone has been pursuing the copyright issue. I could therefore only vaguely describe the column to him and a potential convert may have been lost.
So, in light of that and all that is going on with respect to the value of intellectual property rights and copyright vs. the marketing potential of having old works freely available, what is your view?
Sigs are bad for your health.