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Bush Orders Guidelines for Cyber-Warfare

Jeremiah writes "The pending Iraqi war promises to deliver quite the display of modern, smart technology well beyond what we saw in '91. President Bush recently ordered the development of rules for cyber engagement by the military. Beyond the numerous special forces on the ground like in Afganistan, the US will use soldiers in office chairs to disrupt Iraqi infrastructure."

37 of 526 comments (clear)

  1. An addition to the Geneva connection... by Da+Fokka · · Score: 5, Funny

    ...you have to stop the DDOS when you get the 'destination unreachable'

    1. Re:An addition to the Geneva connection... by 0x0d0a · · Score: 5, Funny

      ...the Geneva convention...

      Seems to me that attacks aimed primarily at a civilian population, like depriving the Iraqi people of their porn fix, would be explicitly banned by the Geneva convention.

  2. Curious by KoolDude · · Score: 2, Funny


    ...the US will use soldiers in office chairs to disrupt Iraqi infrastructure...

    Is Kevin Mitnick getting one of those chairs ? ;)

    --
    getSexySig(); /* returns sexy signature */
  3. I Like How the Article Begins... by Poeir · · Score: 5, Funny

    "President Bush has signed a secret directive ordering the government to develop..."

    Not so secret any more, is it?

    --
    Sigs are like bumper stickers.
    1. Re:I Like How the Article Begins... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

      Nah...they just like to call it a "secret doctrine" because it makes it sound like he's evil and up to hatching plans in his lair.

      No...really...they like the guy alot here.

    2. Re:I Like How the Article Begins... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny


      He used his secret encoder pen. So, yes, mr. smarty pants, it is secret.

  4. Re:My question... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    Are you karma whoring from within the US?

  5. Human rights by gmuslera · · Score: 3, Funny

    Please, don't give iraquis mail addresses to all spammers around the world, that will hurt them badly, but will be very cruel.

  6. What good would this do against Iraq? by PFactor · · Score: 2, Funny

    They have what, a dozen computers?

    Unless we have to attack Microsoft (and the day is coming, I promise you!), this order isn't really all that useful.

    --
    Don't believe anything I say. I crash test crack pipes for a living.
    1. Re:What good would this do against Iraq? by Mantrid · · Score: 2, Funny

      Actually don't they have illegally imported Playstation 2 super computers??

  7. doheth by RobertTaylor · · Score: 0, Funny

    President Bush has signed a secret directive... ...which is posted on /.

    I think that improving security should be a priority ;)

    http://dot co dot uk.

  8. Something Awful Wasnt Far Off!! by LordYUK · · Score: 5, Funny

    From todays SomethingAwful.com post... I take no credit, other than shameless cut and paste!

    Operation: Winnuke

    Operational Plan: One of the most vulnerable areas of Iraq is its weak technological infrastructure. Still largely in a state of disorder from the constant US and British bombing campaign against Iraqi communications centers, the Iraqi computer network is vulnerable to attack. One US plan calls for a multi-phase operation conducted largely within the framework of the recently unveiled International Community Messenger. This computer system allows world leaders to communicate one-on-one over the Internet. Phase one of the operation will involve a coordinated effort by George W. Bush to get all of the world leaders supporting a war against Iraq online at the same time. He will tell them all to start innocuous conversations with Iraq and that when they see the warning level of Iraq rising on their contact list they are to begin warning Iraq until the nation is logged out of the Messenger service. If executed properly phase one will prevent Iraq from rallying sympathetic nations to its cause after phase two has struck.

    Phase two will begin with the United States beginning a conversation with Iraq over trivial things. At some point during the conversation the US will send Iraq a seemingly harmless video file that actually contains an annoying virus script that will deadlock the Iraqi computer system, making it both difficult and embarrassing to use. As mentioned, before Iraq can retaliate or request aid allies of the United States will warn Iraq until it is temporarily banned from the service. To help you better understand how this operation will go down we have modeled it using advanced computer technology called "Microsoft Notepad".

    US_of_A[NATO] Hey d00d, what's up?
    _+Iraq[AoE]+_ not 2 much fag
    _+Iraq[AoE]+_ u got the UN resolution u want me to sign lol
    US_of_A[NATO] yeah man, check this out 1st, it's a krad video of this crazy Koreen kids dancing
    US_of_A[NATO] wants to send you the file Dance_Routine(Funny!).wmv.vbs.
    _+Iraq[AoE]+_ ok its downloadin
    US_of_A[NATO] cool when its done run it
    _+Iraq[AoE]+_ ok
    _+Iraq[AoE]+_ WTF its opening gay pron popups
    US_of_A[NATO] pwned
    You have warned the user US_of_A[NATO]
    You have been warned by the user US_of_A[NATO] Warning Level is 10%
    You have been warned by the user UK[NATO] Warning Level is 25%
    You have been warned by the user Spizzain[NATO] Warning Level is 50%
    You have been warned by the user iTaLy[NATO] Warning Level is 75%
    You have been warned by the user Canada[420TreesHitter][NATO] Warning Level is 100%
    ***You are being temporarily logged out of International Community Messenger***

    After this Iraq's computer and communication infrastructure will be isolated from the world community and Iraq will be vulnerable to further offensive operations.

    Possible Threats: North Korea is constantly online and attempting to send the United States viruses through ICM. Technical specialists are usually able to persuade to the president not to open "Sexyjapaneselass_Vs_Playboy.scr". However, President Bush has already infected some 400 government computers with various e-mail and ICM viruses, and if alone may do so again. In the right North Korean hands this could compromise the security of the entire operation.

    Estimated Casualties: Pretty much everyone in Iraq's tech-sector is expected to be summarily executed by Saddam if this plan works. Other than that no casualties are expected.

    --
    This is my sig. Its pathetic.
  9. paah by zozzi · · Score: 3, Funny
    Just get Kevin and give him a prison phone. He'll do everything from it. His mouth will even function like a modem traslating all those ones and zeros....

    --
    ---
  10. Too sad for Mr. Bush ... by borgdows · · Score: 2, Funny

    Iraq is running Linux!

  11. What a chance... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    ...to be a patriot and fight for your country, all from the comfort of your office chair, while dressed in your underwear.

  12. Re:My question... by Rick.C · · Score: 3, Funny
    Are the info-soldiers within the US?

    Mom: Son, why are you sitting at your computer dressed in camo?

    Son: Because I'm hacking into Al-Iraqui-Pr0n and the Geneva Convention states that soldiers who aren't in uniform can be shot as spys."

    --
    You were 80% angel, 10% demon. The rest was hard to explain. - Over The Rhine
    "Math in a song is good."-Linford
  13. Overheard in the Oval Office by pubjames · · Score: 4, Funny

    Overheard in the Oval Office:

    Bush: Hey, I've just had a great idea! Why don't we attack Iraq over the Inter-net!

    Advisor: I'm not sure what you mean, Mr President.

    Bush: Well, couldn't we infect Saddam with one of those Inter-net viruses, for example? We could use our prowess in genetical engineering and nanu-technology to genetically infect Saddam with a deadly Inter-net virus! Whaddya think?

    Advisor: Erm... I'm speechless, Sir.

    Bush: Write some guidelines around those ideas, will ya?

    Advisor: Very well sir. Do you mind if I make some minor modifications, sir?

    Bush: Do whatever you think is necessary. We make a great team don't we?

    Bush: Erm, yes sir. Isn't it about time for your nap now Mr President?

    1. Re:Overheard in the Oval Office by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0, Funny

      Bush: Erm, yes sir. Isn't it about time for your nap now Mr President?

      Consindering the subject, wouldn't "Isn't it time for your nmap now, Mr President" be more appropriate? :)

  14. Re:My question... by TheCaptain · · Score: 3, Funny

    Nah...we outsourced it to India.

  15. The first step to war. by cgenman · · Score: 3, Funny

    So... the first step in our war is to send the Geek Corps to Iraq to teach everyone how to use computers. Then we sick SUN on them to convince them to upgrade to mission-critical workstations and servers. While we do that, we use old equipment to get individuals and businesses stuck on the .doc format. Finally, we convince Saddam to consolidate his technological resources under XP, .NET, and Office.

    At which point, why do we have to invade at all? Microsoft can just run their government like they do ours.

  16. So can we expect accidental DoSing? by mattbot+5000 · · Score: 2, Funny

    So can we now expect accidental hacking of the Chinese embassy, Canadian soldiers, and the occasional civilian wedding to occur in conjunction with the more traditional (but increasingly obsolete) accidental smart bombing?

  17. Cyber-warfare? by ceeam · · Score: 2, Funny

    Do you guys want to defeat Sadam in CounterStrike or what?

  18. Get Your Mercenaries Here! by 4of12 · · Score: 4, Funny

    I can just see the latest edition of "Soldier of Fortune" with advertisements in the back for "733t h4Xor5" to DDOS the 8 servers that comprise the Iraqi Ministry of Disinformation.

    They'll probably have a lurid cover photo showing "actual damage done" to such a server.

    "Eeewww - look at the smoking wires just hanging out of the CD drive bay!"

    --
    "Provided by the management for your protection."
  19. "soldiers in office chairs" by pierre.ch · · Score: 0, Funny

    Ah yes!
    The ones who captured Bin Laden and Mullah Omar in afghanistan!

  20. Quick Fix by plaidlad · · Score: 2, Funny

    Just have Gates send the Iraqis a complementary set of licenses for MS products... within a couple of days, the problem will solve itself...

    --
    "Of course I'm wrong... That's how I get to 'right'." - Gil Grissom
  21. Re:My question... by cgenman · · Score: 5, Funny
    Are these going to apply to United States citizens?

    Are these going to apply to people operating in the US?

    Are the info-soldiers within the US?

    Are these going to be subject to constitutional limitations?

    Are they taking resumes?

  22. The sad thing... by interactive_civilian · · Score: 1, Funny
    pubjames said:
    We could use our prowess in genetical engineering and nanu-technology to genetically infect Saddam with a deadly Inter-net virus!
    Emphasis mine. The sad thing is...that probably wasn't a typo at all, was it?. ;)
    --
    "Empathise with stupidity, and you're halfway to thinking like an idiot." - Iain M. Banks
    1. Re:The sad thing... by pubjames · · Score: 1, Funny

      pubjames said:

      We could use our prowess in genetical engineering and nanu-technology to genetically infect Saddam with a deadly Inter-net virus!

      Emphasis mine. The sad thing is...that probably wasn't a typo at all, was it?. ;)


      No, it wasn't a typo. I was thinking that Bush was probably a great fan of "Mork and Mindy", and he might think nano-technology is in some way related. "Nanu-nanu".

  23. MRTG graphs! by MavEtJu · · Score: 2, Funny

    "The pending Iraqi war promises to deliver quite the display of modern, smart technology well beyond what we saw in '91." ... "the US will use soldiers in office chairs to disrupt Iraqi infrastructure."

    Will give a great footage on CNN:
    As you see on this graph, this was the traffic to their webservers in the last month. Now check this peak when we started to probe it and after that the constant block of traffic towards it.
    And check the BGP statistics, since three days their routing-entries have disappeared!

    ps. http://www.mavetju.org/~edwin/bomb-iraq.html

    --
    bash$ :(){ :|:&};:
  24. Re:Now remember who's writing this... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny
    YUO AER TEH FUKEN BOMB.

    man i loev reeding palitical nanalysus liek thsi,., YA D000D! BSuH si scarey becase he take all our sival LBIERTY's away. i cnat evan critasiez teh govarmant anymoare....

  25. great by g4dget · · Score: 2, Funny

    US cyber-warfare units will attempt a DDoS attack on the Iraqi infrastructure through Iraq's remaining 56 kbaud AOL dialup connection. That will surely be successful.

  26. Slammer was a counterattack by Junis! by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    Junis hammered it out on his Commodore 64 from the deserts of Afghanistan in retaliation to the U.S. presence there.

    It's ALL TRUE!

  27. How do the certs map to elite forces? by ubiquitin · · Score: 5, Funny


    HTML "programmers": enlisted privates
    RedHat certified: USArmy officer
    ten years Unix sysadmin: noncommissioned sargeant
    open source project leads: USArmy captain through colonel
    Linux kernel maintainers: USArmy four star general
    Cisco cert: USMC
    FreeBSD sysadmins: Delta Force
    OpenBSD sysadmins: Airborne Rangers
    Oracle DBA's: Navy captains
    MCSE: cannon fodder
    MCSE who didn't patch SQLServer: dishonorable discharge

    Hell, if I get to spend time on the firing range with some MCSE's, sign me up. See real USArmy rank hierarchy here.

    --
    http://tinyurl.com/4ny52
  28. Have we been duped by J2EE? by sherpajohn · · Score: 2, Funny

    All these .WAR files I work with....makes me wonder. Web-ARchive they say, yeah right!

    --

    Going on means going far
    Going far means returning
  29. Yeah Cyber Warfare will work well in Iraq by inteller · · Score: 5, Funny

    We'll be able to shut down their 2 ATMs and reboot all of those illegally imported PS2s....that should crush them.

  30. Too bad... by micq · · Score: 2, Funny

    ...he pissed off Gore in the last election... he could use some input from the inventor of the internet.

  31. Re:Which begs the question... by errxn · · Score: 2, Funny

    Ha! So I guess that T-shirts with penguins on the front of them will soon become U.S Government Issue along with the combat boots.

    --
    In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris will still kick your ass.