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Family Tech Support
This computer, from "Zeos", I think, had a catchy name which I've forgotten, and was marketed as an all-in-one, "zippetty-doo-da" fast, productivity-increasing, feature-packed system, from a company who'll be there tomorrow. It was, like most computers you'd buy for your mom, immediately obsolete, but great for email. It was also great for playing computerized bridge and pinochle which is as far as my mother wants to go in computer gaming. For a couple years this Pentium 75 zippety-doo-dahed along quite happily, raising my mother's productivity considerably before trying to retire early, by pretending its motherboard was fried. Unable to convince it otherwise, I buried the "fried" motherboard unceremoniously at the curb and replaced it with one scavenged from a derelict PC carcass which was camped in my office.
This "new" PC was even faster than the previous, which made it about as current as writing email on parchment with an ostrich feather dipped in India Ink, but bought me another year of not buying a new system. That was a little over a year ago. A few months ago, that computer died too. So, a new computer was ordered, with a place to plug a complete modern life right into the back. USB ports, Serial ports, Modem Ports, Mouse ports, Ethernet, Fishnet, Parallel ports, Perpendicular ports, car ports, Video out, Video back in, and PDA handheld-infrared-ultraviolet-see-in-the-dark-intradimensional wireless toaster ports, pipe anything and everything into a tiny beige box. This box is great for email, and for playing computer bridge and pinochle.
For a month, my mother became really productive (mom's productivity is measured in forwarded joke emails), and then, abruptly, stopped being productive at all. Concerned about the uncharacteristically empty "Mother" folder in Outlook Express (a subfolder of "Deleted Items"), I sent several emails which went unanswered. It occurred to me that she might have been sucked into some port on the back of the computer and was deadlocked in a virtual game of computerized cribbage with either Keanu Reeves or a rogue supercomputer from IBM, but I didn't follow up on this. The next time I heard from her was on my answering machine - "You can cancel my internet access, I've packed up the computer and put it in the closet. Bye."
My mother's messages often sound like epitaphs, but this sounded particularly dire. I knew that either Keanu had beaten her in cribbage or her computer had died. Despite being totally generic, the new computer was still new and still under warranty, a warranty that the computer gnomes in her closet were unlikely to honor, but which my local computer supplier probably would. I took drastic measures and called her. A frustrated woman answered, close to tears "Well, it stopped getting email two months ago and then one day I turned it on and no picture showed up and I didn't want to bother you because 'You're so busy' and I know it's my fault and..."
She was not particularly helpful in troubleshooting the problem. Furthermore, the computer's condition of being unplugged in a dark closet made successful diagnostics so grim a prospect that I patiently explained the whole "gnome-warranty" thing to her and asked that she send it back to me. Swayed by my logic, she agreed, and several days later a package arrived from her.
Understandably excited by the prospect of fixing a computer I bought because it wouldn't need much fixing, I tore open the package to reveal one unremarkable, heavily over-insured surge suppressor. Remember the surge suppressor? Confusion descended. I felt as though I'd ordered a latte and been handed a stapler. Was it the words I'd used? Did the gnome story scare her? Did I say "Please just send me any object and I'll use it to fix your computer from a thousand miles away." Again, I took emergency measures and called her. I pretended that I hadn't opened the box in case it was an early Christmas present. "Please tell me this is an early Christmas present" I said. "No, it's that damned computer" was the reply that I both feared and got. Because this surge suppressor is about as mistakable for a computer as an old leather boot, I had two painful options; one of making my mother feel like a total boob, and the other of configuring an email client on a mid 90s surge suppressor. Boob it would be. I said, as delicately as possible "Mother, this isn't a computer, it's an old boot!"
On my desk now sits the multi-port roadster of a computer that arrived today from Florida. Sure enough, there's the bridge and pinochle CD still in the drive and, sure enough, it doesn't work. I suspect that the huge dent in the case, indicating some sort of collision, trauma, impact, stampede or other violence might have something to do with that. Maybe the tech gnomes took a whack at it. Whatever. She's my mother. I love her. I'll just fix it.
I was at a LAN party once, and my mom called me via telephone to tell me that she couldn't get the modem to disconnect from the Internet and that it was blocking the phone line. She told me over the phone that she needed the line to make a phone call.
I was speechless
--------
It's OK to be social, just don't tell anyone about it.
The night before I left on a plane to another province my girlfriend reminded me that I promised to install her CD-Burner that she got for Christmas. Now, realizing that when I'm away from home it will be much much more difficult to guide her through the process than it would be to stay up at 3 am and install her burner.
After successfully installing the burner and saying our goodbyes, I took off for a 4 month stint in a new province.
Well she got what she wanted and dumped me over the phone! I guess the reverse is true for dumping- it's easier to dump long distance than to deliver tech support.
Lesson: Never solve your girlfriends computer problems completely or she'll devalue your relationship.
Ok, this has *long* been a pain for me: Family Tech Support...
Because you *can't* just tell them to go pound sand, or just tell them that they are stupid....
And you want so badly for them to understand...but walking them through things on the phone- no more, stop, please....
Ok, but the WORST part about family tech support is when they start telling their friends, neighbors, etc, that they have a son (or daughter) that can help them too...suddenly its like when you have a truck: you help everyone move- A tech family member: you fix every damn computer in their circle of friends. Hell, it's getting so bad with my family that I think before too long Kevin Bacon is going to call me and ask me to fix his computer....
Kill me now...
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams."
-- Your Mom
In my own personal experience, being a computer professional is like being a car mechanic... Your family and friends, and even people you dont know expect you to fix their computer problems all the time. Not a week goes by that I dont have 10 people at work telling me about their computer problems, another 5 at home (neighbors, ect) and family is the worst... At a certain point I became like the computer guy on SNL... Its parody, but true, most of the time the problem can only be fixed by saying "MOVE"...
Fire in the hands of the village idiot is no tool, but a weapon of mass destruction
My Dad, Greatest guy in the world he is, Somehow lost sound in his HP PC I got him 3 years ago.
:/
I failed to notice until a few weeks ago while I was visiting. I saw that for some strange reason there was what appeared to be a tiny white cord dangling from beneath the front cover of the machine. I looked closely at it and realized it was a earbud. Not just any earbud. It was one of those tiny little white ones that still come with cheap AM/FM radios. You know? The one's you use when you listen to the radio in your bed and don't want to wake your wife. SO here sat this tiny little white earbud (actually yellowed since it was probably around the house since the 70's) sitting on his desk. I asked him why he needed it? (Perhaps silent viewing of video files or music?)
No, he didnt have sound. "The sound thingamajig is busted" he said. I take a look at the rear of the PC and notice the speaker wire is missing. SO I scrounge beehind the desk and plug it back in. The speakers are now functional again. I ask him when the sound stopped working and he says, "Oh about a year ago" but I didn't want to bother you.
Something funny about an Old man using a circa 1998 PC with Circa 1960's technology.
There is no spork.
Yes, there was, and my dad selected it, and made a new account for dear Aunt Nan. Then I told him, "Dad, what we have here is your basic RTFM problem."
"RTFM? What's that?"
"That's 'Read The Fuckin' Manual', dad." (my dad is tough, he can take it)
My dad paused and said, "Well, I just decided to CMFS."
Which baffled me. "What's that?"
"Call My Fuckin' Son"
Alan
I got new shoes! With laces!
1) How do I copy and paste again?
2) How do I open this email attachment?
3) How do I install this new program?
4) What did your nephew do to my computer?
5) Dad bought a new (?), how do I install it?
I do tech support for many family members. My mom actually started referring her friends to me. One thing I have learned is to not be too nice to the elderly. Unless you piss them off a little they won't remember the instructions.
"God fights on the side with the best artillery." - Napoleon, Marshal of France - speaking truth to power
I think it's the new open source businessmodel!
1) Write free stuff.
2) ?
3) Sell tech support to your family.
4) Profit!
Who is going to be responsible for supporting this computer?
"Me, of course." he answered.
Are you going to be paid for the support you offer?
"Of course not." he replied, wondering why I even had to ask that question.
"Then," I replied, "Simple choice: Get a Macintosh. If things change, and you find you will no longer be required to support it, suggest Linux for the power, flexibility, and reduced cost. On the other hand, if things change and you will still be supporting it, but find you will be paid for the support, recommend Windows."
This Director soon became responsible for Information Technology Support at our site, and recommended a cutover to an all-Windows environment. Fortunately, he allowed some of us to run Linux, under "no support offered" terms.
Just a story, of course. ;-)
The thing about things we don't know is we often don't know we don't know them.
there could have been nothing wrong with it in the first place, the mother could have just unplugged the monitor...
or have done a gem like i've had to troubleshoot
a couple PCs weren't working at school, so I went over to fix them. I flipped the switches and sure enough, nothing worked. So i crawled underneat the table they were sitting on to check if the were plugged in. Sure enough they were plugged into power strips. Only problem, Power strip A was connected to Power strip B, which was connected to Power stip A. If only...
My other sig is an import.
... and with pcAnywhere installed you could remotely hook yourself up with a free meal whenever you want one! >:)
*click* *click* *CRASH*
*riiiiing* *riiiiing*
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, it's your mom again. I can't check my recipes on the computer again. I'm trying to fix that pot roast you like so much for dinner."
"Oh really? I'll be right over to fix it. I think I might know what the problem is."
Speak truth to power.
A friend has a t-shirt that reads:
"No, I will not fix your computer."
It is required attire at all holiday family gatherings.
Do you want to hear how I taught my mom how to use email?
:D
Go on then. Beats working
Had my parents beaten me to a bloody pulp, I might consider being their tech support monkey something that "evens out the grand scheme of things."
God, there is no way that taking care of me for 15 years is anywhere equal to the tech support nightmare that is my grandmother.
My mom has a computer science degree, but grandma calls me instead. Ugh.
Not 100% on-topic, but still relevant IMO, is this picture
Please, think of the kittens.
I KNOW I'm going to be called upon for tech support on any technology item in their house (TV, DVD player, computer, programable thermostat, etc.).
Last Christmas my mother decided to buy my father a complete home theater system with DVD player, surround sound, the whole bit. Of course my father, being a complete technophobe, let it sit in the boxes for days. Finally, my mother asked me to set it up because I "am good at computers", which of course, as the Slashdot crowd knows, makes you an instant expert at anything powered by electricity.
Mom: Why is my computer so slow?
Me, looking at the dozen icons in the systray: Because you've got all that crap running.
Mom: I need that.
Me: Okay, suit yourself.
A week goes by
Mom: I bought this printer and it doesn't work, I get this exception error whenever I plug it in.
Me: That's probably because of all the crap you have running.
Mom: Why doesn't this work!!!!
===== A not-far-from-reality dramatization follows =====
Mom: Godddamn it!!!! Why doesn't my computer work! You like to play with computers!!!!! Fix it, damn it!!!!
Me: Look, I told you not to install and run all that crap, but you do anyway!!!!
Mom: But I need it!!!!!!
Me: No, you don't!!!!!
Mom: I do too! I think I know a LOT more about computers that you do, mister!!!!
Me: Then what are you calling me for?!
Mom: Because I can! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
1) Write free stuff.
2) ???
3) Get supported by your family.
4) Profit!
In Soviet Rush, today's Tom Sawyer gets high on you.
Once I came home to my mom holding the vacuum cleaner hose up to the computer. When I tapped her on the shoulder she jumped, obviously panicked. She had mistakenly put a cd in the old 5" floppy drive and was trying to "suck it back out" before anyone came home.
You missed:
- Coffee beans/grinder/caffetiere
- Sledgehammer
- Padlock to lock family members in another room when they start screaming at you for opening the pc.
"YOU'RE GONNA BREAK IT!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"
Of course, you could use the sledgehammer instead of the padlock, or improvise with some rope, but all 3 of those are VERY important tools.
Flying one way from Denver to Florida 5 months ago. I was moving, so I had my entire network, laptop, cables, power strips, etc all loaded into my laptop backpack (LOVE IT!) which I normally carry on the plane. Man did the security hate me, I was stopped 3 times (note the one way ticket) and had to identify every part and cable in my case. "Yes, ma'am, that's a hub, that's a wireless hub, that's a router, that's patch cable, that's more patch cable just different color, that's my mouse, yes it does look different and small, that's just a power strip, and that is a power cable." The whole time wondering why it mattered that I name every piece, like they knew or like I would slip up and say, "that is the C-4 enclosed in a linksys router.....damn busted!"
"Thats the decombobulator, thats the flux capacitor, thats a OH MY GOD, DON'T TOUCH THAT!...uh, I mean, thats a hub. *cough*"
ABout 6 years ago when I was married and living in a small town, there was a lunar eclipse and a somewhat pagan/alternative religion lunar eclipse party 15 miles up in the woods that my wife wanted to go to.
There was a nice big log cabin with a stream running through it, a wood stove, and a big bonfire outside. A whole bunch of people were dancing around the fire, playing drums and various musical instruments and singing songs about the moon. Even the local Anglican minister was there! He was cool.
If it were warmer outside, most of the people would have been skyclad.
So I am standing near the fire and the dancing singing people in the middle of nowhere.... and this guy walks up to me who I do not recognize.
"Are you Jeff Koftinoff?" He asks.
"Yup." I reply.
"My computer doesn't boot. How do I fix it?"
Now I know how doctors feel at parties. I felt like throwing him into the fire.
--jeff++
ipv6 is my vpn
We had just upgraded our home PC so my wife thought it would be a good idea to ship the old one off to her dad.. No problem..
We set it all up for him in advance and shipped out a monitor, PC, keyboard, ect via UPS..
Shortly after it arrived we got the call ( as expected). He has it all setup but nothing happens when he turns it on..
We go over the power cords but everything sounds ok..
My worst fear was the CPU fell out of the slot.. I figure since this guy is a master carpenter he can handle a screwdriver.
I told him I thought the CPU might be loose and he'll need to open the case to check..
Just look around for the big silver heat sink with 2 fans on it when you get it open.
No problem.. He'll get a screwdriver and call me back when he has the cover off..
10 minutes later he's back on the phone.. It's open but he can't find a silver heatsink with a fan on it anywhere.. hmmm
Me:What do you see?
Him: Well there's a bunch of wires, boards and a big tube.
Me:A tube???
Him: Yeah a tube.
Me: Did you open the monitor?
Him: Thats the PC isn't it?
Me: Umm no.. Don't touch anything in there.. Just put it back together. We need to open the big square box up that all the cables hook up to.
Him: ohh the power supply..
Me: Umm yeah sure thats it.
Him: ok I'll call you right back (click)
After he got "that other box" open he found the CPU and got it back in it's little slot..
After that everything was great.. till he bought a printer later that week at wall-mart..
If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. --Red Adair
Oh god. The "YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK IT!" thing. I can't even begin to count the times that I've heard that from distraught family members. ;)
:p I don't know why I bother asking.
:p Somehow this makes sense to him, whereas having his daughter who works with computers do anything with the family's computer, does not.
"No, I'm going to fix it. I do this every day at work with $3,000 systems, this one is worth $50. If I break it, I'll buy you a nice new shiny one. Now be a nice little daddy/mommy/brother/sister and go take your valium."
Even more, I love the "Nahh, I don't have anything I need on that computer. You can just delete everything." To that, I nod knowingly, and copy the entire HDD over to the new one, and surely enough they panic a few hours later, and I get to pull their files out of "no where" and save the day.
People are funny.
Oh- and my dad always wants my brother to do it instead because my brother fixes cars.
-Sara
My favorite mom moment:
...
:Yes, fine that sounds good.
Her: The password doesn't work
Me : Do you have capslock on?
Her: Oh yes, I'm sorry.
Me : Ok, try again.
Her: It doens't work.
Me : Is capslock on?
Her: Yes.
Me : Could you turn it off?
Her: Oh, sorry.. [Mouse clicking sounds] Ok..
Me : Right, ok, now look on the keyboard. over to the left hand side. Is there a button on the keyboard marked "Caps Lock".
Her: Yes, and there's a little green light on.
Me : Ok, now press that button.
Her: [pause] ok. Oh the light goes off. Oh wait it's turned back on now. oh, it's off now... oh wait it's on again.. oh wait it's off again. oh now it's on again.
Me : Stop pressing the button!
Her: Oh, allright..
Me : Is the light on or off now?
Her: Which light?
Me : AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! THE ONE YOU WERE JUST PRESSING!
Her: Oh, umm, how do I know that it's on?
Me :
Her: Is it on when It's lit? Ok, it's not lit now.
Me : Ok, now type in your password and press return..
Her: It's not working.. oh wait, the box has disapeared.. why has the box disapeared? oh wait something new is happening.
Me : So it's working now..
Her: [Starts reading off icon names on the desktop].. yes I think that fixed it... I can take it form here. [reads off the program name she wants to use] that's the program right?
Me
etc...
The funny thing is, she's usualy quite sane... It's amazing what computers will do to people..
anyways...