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How to Fake A Hard Day at the Office
futileboy writes "There's a great article in the WSJ about how to use technology to avoid work, while giving the impression of working. At the bottom of the article is "A beginner's guide to making it look like you're working when you're not." "
I remember a game for Macintosh in the early early 90's that had a menu option called "Quick! the Boss is coming!" it would not only hide the game from view (including the finder menu), but would open a mock spreadsheet and propogate it with values....
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
Or it might motivate bosses to use more sophisticated methods of employee surveillance, like actually walking around and seeing who is in the office!
"dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope"
Had this article come out about a year ago, I might have used some of these techniques just to prove to some people I was doing the work that I was legitimately doing.
On my present job, I am blessed with having a boss that allows me to set my own hours. I typically come in at the crack of dawn (6 AM), have lunch at my desk, and leave by 2:30PM. Combine this with needing only 5 hours of sleep a night and it gives me lots of free time (handy considering my wife and I have a new house with landscaping that is in awful shape, so I suppose "free time" is really a misnomer here :) ).
About a year ago, though, I had trouble with people from other groups thinking I wasn't working my 40 hours a week (which I was), and a whispering campaign started. My boss fortunately stood up for me, since she knows I work those hours, but I had to prove it to everyone else. So I got in the habit of answering all my email from the previous day the moment I got in at 6AM.
Finally one of the ones that I suspect complained about me tested me by coming in early and dropping in at my desk at 6:15 AM. Surprise, surprise, I was actually there like I said all along.
I haven't had any trouble since.
Karma: Frotzed (mostly due to the Frobozz Magic Karma Company)
As ridiculous as it sounds, it works.
Of course, George didn't seem to have that much success at work so YMMV on this nugget of advice.
My employees' /etc/hosts so that slashdot resolves to 127.0.0.1
Seriously, if I'm managing you and you are getting paid to do 8 hours of work, then you are going to do EIGHT HOURS OF WORK.
it seems like an awful lot of "work" to not actually do any work.
:)
It really is. But sometimes (and I speak form personal experience) there's just either really nothing to do, or you really want to avoid doing something for whatever reason, or you just want to buy some time... depends on the situation.
Once or twice I've deliberately created "network problems" (Very small office, doesn't effect the productivity of anyone else) - typically with the printers or something... then spend a good hour or so "fixing" it, since it happens to require standing next to the server and occasionally fiddling with the keyboard. (Which is out of sight from my boss, whom normally I sit right in front of all day long).
Sometimes you just need to escape, and since I don't smoke, cigarette breaks aren't an option
=Smidge=
Maybe the person who modded Zentec as a troll is a high school or college kid laughing at how funny the story is, how clever you are, and how concerned all of us old fogies are about what's happening in IT.
But when real life jumps up and bites you in the ass, it's not so funny. I know a lot of people who are out of work right now and making very painful decisions about their future (i.e. - do I stay in IT or become a shoe salesman so I can keep up with mortgage payments).
Read the EFF's Fair Use FAQ
That was maybe 20% of a real story. None of those methods could be used more than a couple times before you got caught. Send mail at 2am, then the guy that really was there at 2am tells the boss you weren't there. Doh! And one of the examples wasn't even trying to get away with anything but was a great example of being able to stay in touch even while away!
And don't think your hard working peers will let you get away with it either. Good luck with that slacking guy, I'll just take your job when your booted out thank you!
Contrary to popular belief, coding is not all free blow-jobs and beer. Those things cost MONEY!
I'm sure there's one out there somewhere (in a galaxy far, far away).
Seriously, there's got to be a way to trick everyone into thinking that you are at school while your at home coding or whatever.
I remember an old Windows 3.1 program called Job Saver. It came in the book Windows Sound Funpack as shareware. It played .wav files randomly, with specified frequency (how often), and among the default sounds were 3 different wavs of keyboard clicks, coughing, throat clearing, and computer beeps. It could be set to go off automaticly at after a certain time of Inactivity.
:) Google isn't turning up anything on it, so it seems to have disappeared.
Not sure if anyone actually tried it at work though
... then the employer is screwed anyway. Only a totally mismanaged outfit would judge an employee by how busy they look. If management actually cares about whether employees are earning their pay, they're keeping close track of what they're working on and whether they're delivering on time. They're not going to be fooled by Ferris Bueller tricks.
In a cube. With people interrupting me. And annoying me. Whenever I have a long task to complete: programming, writing a scientific paper, etc, I took my cell phone and my computer to Starbucks and WIFIed in. No one knows where I am, and those are my most productive times. I won't work any other way!
...I use is to set the timer in the BIOS to boot the computer at 0900. When I roll in around 0920 it looks like I've already arrived and I'm just away from my desk somewhere.
Who knows why people go through so much work to avoid work? I don't.
Between high school and college, I used to be a cook. I had one waitress who would bellyache for 15 minutes about doing something that would take 30 seconds. I came up with a song, lets see how much I can remember...
If you worked as hard as you bellyached,
you wouldn't have time to complain.
You wouldn't cuss and fuss,
or make a muss
causing trouble for the rest of us.
If you worked as hard as you bellyached
you wouldn't have time to complain.
Well, that was some of the song. Enough on that tangent. We can all fake work and make the fake work. That is until the deadline is due.
SCO to Hell
With reference to GoToMyPc.Com, I completely agree!!! If anyone can get to their networked office PC over the 'net, then there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with the firewall setup!
I can just see it now, some goon (or 11-year old "hax0r") decides to logon to my PC while I'm using it, and copies bank details from over 11,000 customers on our database (or worse, my personal details by watching my Internet banking session!)
It should be renamed GoToMyPersonalInfoAndBankruptMe.Com
incidentally, he started http://www.slackersguild.com. its been mentioned before on Slashdot when the For Dummies guys threatened the place for their Slacking for Dummies article
In return I do the following:
- Do the work expected of me to the best of my ability.
- Keep the boss informed as to what I'm doing and how it's going.
- Give him honest feedback on him and my work.
I've given this mini-spiel at every interview I've had with whomever would be my immediate supervisor and I can get a good feel for what kind of company I'm interviewing at by their reaction.There is no trap so deadly as the trap you set for yourself
-Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye
"3. If you can, ride your bike in to work every once in awhile. You'd be suprised how impressed people are by that shit. It gives the impression that you are dedicated and athletic - the boss will think that these qualities will transfer to your office work - coworkers will think you have a life outside of work, and be jealous, thus increasing your status in their eyes. Make sure to leave your bike helmet and gear prominently displayed in your cubicle to maximize the benefit."
== snip
I do this every single day. I even carry my bike into the building and keep it in my cube with me. I have my CamelBak, helmet (complete with helmet-mounted 15W headlight), bike shoes, and all manner of parephrenalia on my desk, on top of my file cabinet, or wherever. I even have a couple of hangars for my bike clothes... sometimes, if I'm feeling particulary saucy, I "forget" to turn my tail light off, so people walking by see this bright red blinking light.
I think most people at the office, if you ask them what i do for a living, they'll tell you "I dunno, but that guy bikes to work at 3 in the morning every damn day! I don't know how he does it!"
*cha CHING*
I also get there just before 4 every morning and am sure to respond to a couple of emails from the previous afternoon as soon as I can - makes it look like I got there even earlier. Then I go shower, change, and head to my lab for a nice nap.. I wake up around 5:45am, just before other people start getting there.
Boss could care less that I leave at 2 in the afternoon every day. I have so many brownie points to burn that I can even "work at home" whenever it rains so I don't have to bike in the rain.
Of course, it helps that my job is ridiculously easy - thank god I work for a gigantic multinational that doesn't really challenge anyone to do anything besides jump through hoops and wear lots of hats...
So, a) my security card is always registered before 4 in the morning b) I still get enough sleep c) people are in awe of me d) boss thinks I'm kickass dedicated to the company and e) I get paid a shitload of money for doing essentially working 6 hours per day.
Now, why I have such a problem with work but have no problem biking 70 miles every day is beyond me. I guess I'd be a cyclist for a living if work didn't pay so much more...
If you really think that the corporate world doesn't know the producers from the dead-weight, especially in _this_ economy, you're sorely mistaken. I get projects thrown at me almost daily, and right now I wouldn't have it any other way. Right now, I consider myself _privileged_ just to have a job (and doing what I enjoy I might add); and as such I'm busting my hump just to help my company (and my job) achive it's goals.
The slackers out there that are hiding behind their bash scripts, are sure to be disovered and their jobs are sure to get passed along shortly thereafter.
I'm not quite sure what the Win/MCSE crowd is going to do though. I highly doubt that Win/MCSE certification/experience are going to be in high demand anytime soon...
Especially with *nix/*BSD kicking in the door like it apparently has been.
Don't think that a small group of dedicated individuals can't change the world. It's the only thing that ever has.
It is good to see a manager / employer with a level head who likes to see results rather than reports and finger pointing. If I learned anything from the way my father treated his employees back in the day, is that employees with managers like that "shit gets done," rather than people getting away with "doing shit."
The unfortunate thing is that sometimes when a company is large, employees can point fingers in circles when they need to explain why the work isn't getting done.
It is completely amazing where my significant other is currently working [A rather famous, large company who will remain nameless]. There is one employee who typically comes in late and leaves early, takes 2-3 hour lunches, misses work at least once a week, and is generally a slacker. If I understand correctly, she is also one of the highest paid employees for her position, and management has let go several other people with much better work ethics. I wonder why she's around, honestly. I think that perhaps she's just good at superficially looking like a hard worker when the boss is around (since he has to manage several buildings the company owns).
"You spoony bard!" -Tellah
The lessons most indelibly inscribed in your heart were probably first written on your ass.
It can giggle all it wants. The galaxy's not gettin any of our Bourbon.
Let's break this down shall we;
"E-Mail Timers
Yeah. Okay. Most users barely know how to send regular e-mail."
- He has a point here; most people don't have a clue how to use the features of email software. Of course a "good" admin and a "good" IT department make it their job to teach people this stuff.
"BlackBerry
That's why bb mailboxes are separate from regular mailboxes."
- Hmm sounds like that investment in BlackBerry devices is going down the drain since users can't access their work email. Congratulations "good" admin you just wasted a butt load of money, way to go!
"GoToMyPc.Com
Aside from probably getting you fired, every good admin blocks crap like this at the firewall. The only out from your PC is through the proxy and firewall. The only way in leads to the DMZ."
- This one I have to agree with, for security reasons the only way into a corporate PC should be through an IT controlled connection.
"Instant Messaging
Also blocked at the firewall. Get to work!"
- I take it that all of the companies that using IM aren't working? Has any one told them this?
"Yahoo By Phone
You can't forward your mail an SMTP address, only local accounts."
- So users that don't have a laptop because the "good" admin doesn't think they need one have no way of getting their email remotely? Way to go "good" admin, keep up the good work!
"Call Forwarding
Not our phones."
- Yes call forwarding is bad! Who wants to call someone and actually reach who they called? How silly!
We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas. - Ned's Mom
This is actually a classic management problem.
The fault lies NOT in the worker, or the worker's needs to set certain hours.
The fault lies in the management and the business process, for failing utterly to provide accurate metrics on productivity. This is a basic need of business that simply is not met in MOST environments I'm familliar with. So they attempt to measure worker productivity via inappropriate methods like: hours worked and MLOCs. (Millions of Lines Of Code).
But should engineering majors really fault the business majors for not thinking like engineers? They can't help it, it's those neckties cutting off circulation to their brains.
These are my friends, See how they glisten. See this one shine, how he smiles in the light.