Hall Of Technical Documentation Weirdness

An anonymous reader submits: "Generally speaking, with the exception of Tina on Dilbert, technical writers aren't very funny. This is something of a rare and unintentional exception. This guy has assembled a bunch of examples of bizarre technical illustration. There's only about 15 at the moment, but he's collecting further examples."

Comments

Others

[L-s-L69]

To go with... McDonalds coffee: "May be hot." Ready meals: "Remove plastic before cooking" Nitol (sleep tablets) "May cause drowsyness" Laxitives "exessive consumption may produce laxitive effect." The list is endless.

Re:Others

[91degrees]

Peanuts - "May contain peanuts". I really like the lack of certainty with this one.

Re:Others

[Yxes]

it's in our speech everday though.

"I found it in the last place that I looked"
- why would you keep looking?

"needless to say"
- then why say it?

"no offense but..."
- you know you're about to be offended

"new and improved"
- if it's new? how can you improve it?

"save money by purchasing..."
- really?

on a tv ad for bioflex
"to loose the weight you need to add muscle..."
- really?

this list too is endless...

Re:Others

[MikeCT]

From an IBM manual: "The difference between a database management system and other systems is that a database management system helps manage the database for you ...."

An here's a comment taken from a COBOL program I once had to maintain. It actually does make sense if you manage to guess the right punctuation:
"If not amending after total blank lines are shuffled up after total blanked lines are left blank in table to avoid shuffling."

Re:Others

[arth1]

My favourite is the one-ply blanket I have:
"Wash inside out with like colors".

Or the back massager that proclaims: "If any of the following symptoms occur, please discontinue use", and then lists a whole bunch of symptoms, including drowsiness, soreness, fatigue and DEATH.

And here I thought the whole purpose was to use it when stiff...

Regards,
--
*Art

Re:Others

[sketerpot]

For other things like this (which you are told to avoid), check out the classic Strunk and White. (Note: this link goes to the first edition, which was just "Strunk", but that's the best we can do with these ridiculous copyright terms....)

Re:Others

[soulsteal]

I like my coffee like i like my women. Dark, full bodied and slightly bitter.

I like my coffee like I like my women: tied up in a burlap bag and dragged through the Andes.

Re:Others

[JonnyElvis42]

And what about my stick deoderant: "Not for use in the eyes."

Now what the heck am I supposed to do when I've got a bad case of stinky-eye?

Oh Well.

[Anonymous Coward]

I was oh so hoping there'd be something amusing waiting for me when I clicked through to this guys site. This guys sense of humor includes laughing at perfectly normal operation instructions because they contain "lots of arrows"? ...yawn... Did anyone really read this site before posting this lame-ass story?

THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[wheany]

Might contain traces of funny.

Re:THE ARTICLE FAILS IT!

[marcop]

Since this article lacks any humor, maybe we should start posting some funny signs/symbols of our own. Here is a link to some funny swat team hand jestures:

http://forums.xbox-scene.com/index.php?act=ST&f= 19 &t=92950&s=56a40001faa4bd14000861cbfa22fc0 2

I ran across a site containing funny interpretations of airplane safety literature but I couldn't find it at the moment.

i know

[mothrathegreat]

since noone seems to find it funny I guess we ought to slashdot it

Only about 15 ?!

[itsme1234]

There are 12 exhibits, they're even numbered if you can't count to 12 ...

---
"There's only about 15 at the moment, but he's collecting further examples."
---

Not too weird...

[jdreed1024]

Some of these are simply translated as "The person who wrote this doesn't understand this device".

For example, in number "11", it's pretty clear it's not a fridge, but an A/V rack. (that being why it's included with a DVD player). And it's saying "Don't wheel the A/V rack towards you over uneven surfaces, or you'll end up underneath it writhing in pain".

Exhibit 9 is not that stupid - it's pretty clear it's not a cartoon speaking bubble, but rather intimating that somewhere on your computer is a USB port.

Exihibit 5: "I like it because it says 'insert trousers'" Huh? It's weird because it's correct English? Or it's weird because it's telling you what to do? Or it's weird because this guy doesn't know what "trousers" means? It's a pants press - how is it weird for it to tell you to insert your pants into the rack?

Move along folks, nothing to see here.

Oh where can I find....

[ThosLives]

A picture of my favorite:

On a Caterpillar trench digger, there was this funny picture of a NO sign around a chainsaw looking thing and a caption that said, "Engage crowd control before operating".

because-trench-diggers-control-crowds

Re:Oh where can I find....

[Jucius Maximus]

On a chainsaw instruction sheet that was poorly translated from swedish:

Do not stop the chain using your hands or gentials.

japanese toilets

[bobba22]

I don't know how many other people out there have experienced Japanese toilets, but let me tell you, you don't need an instruction manual, you need someone to come and show you how to use those things. You don't wanna be pressing the wrong button at the wrong time, I can assure you from personal experience, makes my eyes water just thinking about it.

Re:japanese toilets

[DrSkwid]

If it made your eyes water you *were* doing somthing wrong.

I prefered it when it watered other parts of my anatomy.

And the Japanese are totally on the ball with this one, having warm water sprayed on my ass was the highlight of my overnight stay.

Re:japanese toilets

[glenstar]

I remember a few years back when one of my favorite bars in Tokyo (yeah, it's in Roppongi but not a shot bar and it's hidden away) got a new toilet. I was there to meet a client and things were going very well until I needed to piss. So, I go into the bathroom, take my leak and go to flush. No flusher. While I had used the Captain-Kirk-chair-like-toilets before, this one was different... must be a new model, I thought. So, I began to push buttons, waiting for a flushing sound. Nothing. Curious. I lifted the toilet lid and KABAAAM! Water shoots out all over the place, absolutely drenching me from the knees down. So I am standing there, not knowing how to react or what to do. I am soaking wet and smell faintly of urine. So I crack the bathroom door hoping to see a staff member I knew to see what they thought of the problem. Luckily for me, Miki comes by, sees me peeking out of the bathroom door, sees my wet state and begins to giggle uncontrollably. Those who have spent time in Japan know the giggle I am talking about... the high-pitched, semi-constrained giggle that is accompanied by attempt to stifle it with a hand to the mouth and only possible from Japanese females.

Anyway, when she is done giggling I explain my predicament. Her eyes get wide. "Guren-san, " she asks, " but why were you using the bidet?". I refused to answer, mostly because I had no answer, and sloshed over to the table where my client was waiting. Laughing. Hysterically. Also being a gaijin he had experienced something similar. All's well that ends well, I guess: We ended up working together and I never pressed that damn button again.

I used to like the japanese...

[BadSeqtor]

...but now I'm not that sure any more...

This guy's collection will grow large

[Rosco P. Coltrane]

... because the pieces he exhibits aren't funny or weird, they are just pathetic examples of badly written documentation, and those have existed since electronic devices have grown more complex than kitchen appliances, and their docs started to be written in japanglish.

And quite frankly, the "kind of dirty" ones wouldn't even be half-dirty for women in a covent.

The only interest of those technical docs is (1) to learn how to not write them like that, and (2) to witness the birth of early mangas.

It was getting slow.. I have Mirrored it.

[Organized Konfusion]

Mirror be gentle to my host plz ;-)

If you enjoy bad translations into English...

[JaredOfEuropa]

Visit engrish.com! Hours of fun...

Best Quote hidden

[the_pooh_experience]

So Most /. won't get this because it requires loading a highrez image, but on the Dragonball Z toy that hangs from the ceiling and 'flys' in circles on a string, it is poorly translated from presumably fomr east-asian country... The warnings read:

1. With appertain rotor of screw setting pre ceiling on the under standing that screw no wield. May wield two-faced, pressboard securing, wield pre to begin with wiping ceiling of bilge dasto.
2. Thread of length need half as many again as tad.
3. Open toy of batteries shuck. Verification batteries.+,- whereafter stow down,to a certainty need locknat lest take place accident.
4. Hook through toys apside of hole.
5. Needs switches shoving NO,for pre arrows specifing of orention shiving.Packing it up time,withbold toy pate need switches shoving OFF.

• Prythee no sport with stingy of play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril. (bold my addition)
• Tad disport of time grown man tatelage.
• Till thge cowcomes home. Wield toys damage, burn-in prytheee wind to a close wield.
• Give attention to open/close toys, therefore take place peril.for instance slipup batteries wield result in the emission of heat rupture liquid.vent itself prythee pay attention.
• Play at sith to a certainty bolt up power supply fetch out batteries.
• Batteries no electification dissolution,plunge ioto aquaor fire.
• Not trust for tad batteries lest in advertent eat off. In the event of accident without loss of time plythee pillroller tuke order with.

I am not the best typist, but most of the weird spellings above are in the actual warnings. The original may be found here. I wonder if they will ever take the word "prythee" out of their translation dictionary.

Re:Best Quote hidden

[NoData]

Prythee no sport with stingy of play asperity game. Winding finger have got bloodstream not wallk. Throagh of peril.

Dude, that's not Engrish...That's Chaucer.

Huh

[sg3000]

I know that this page should have been funny, but for some reason, I'm not laughing. And I'm even familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

I kind of expected something like "Engrish" or the often funny Airtoons (but it's probably only funny for those of us that fly a lot). Or even, the hasn't-been-updated-since-the-millennium Kibo and his amusing criticisms of font use or Gerald Holmes, which has outlived the silly .com web awards that are featured on his site. Hooray for Gerald!

Microfortnights

[Christian Engstrom]

The documentation for the VAX/VMS operating system (this was in the eighties, before they started renaiming it every other year) claimed that one of the system parameters in SYSGEN should be specified in "microfortnights", but then proceeded to say that for added convenience, microfortnights were approximated by "seconds". (If you can't be bothered to bring out your calculator, a proper microfortnight would be 1.2096 seconds.)

At least I thought this was rather funny, but perhaps I am just very childish.

Re:Microfortnights

[stevel]

The creator of that little gem was Dick Hustvedt, a brilliant engineer with a wicked sense of humor. He was one of the inventors of VAXclusters, as well as of the SD730 Solar Horologue Option - see end of this post.

When in the VMS SYSGEN utility, and you asked for a list of the parameters, the list included the units. The TIMEPROMPTWAIT parameter was unusual in that values in one range did one thing, while values in another range did something else. Dick wanted to encourage users to go read the manual for the full explanation, so he had the units listed as microfortnights, hoping that puzzled readers would go search out the details.

Sadly, Dick suffered severe brain injury in a car accident many years ago, and was unable to return to work. We named a conference room in his honor at the Nashua, NH facility where VMS engineering lives, and if you visit it, you can see the prototype SD730, which was introduced as an April Fools joke one year. Here's the text from the "Product Information Sheet" for the SD730.

VAX-11/730

SD730 Fixed Head Solar Horologue

Overview

The SD730 is an option for the VAX-11/730(TM) that provides an inexpensive solution to the problem of setting system time correctly following a power failure. An astronomical reference is used to assure accuracy. Reliability is assured by the simple, elegant design which employs well-proven technology.

Description

The SD730 is a gnomonic high noon detector that provides a simple, but elegant solution to the problem of setting system time correctly following a power failure. This option is particularly valuable for processors lacking battery backup for their time-of-year (TOY) clock.

Highlights

- Gnomonic interference high noon detector
- High accuracy assured by low-drift astronomical reference
- Connects to existing DR-11C port on VAX-11/730
- Proprietary high-moon rejection design
- Offline mode for standalone time measurement
- User installable and maintainable
- Reliability assured by minimal component count and proven technology
- Heavy duty construction resists solar wind
- Anti-corrosion coating prevents gnomonic plague

Description

The SD730 provides a single bit of data via the DR-11C port of the VAX-11/730 that encodes all of its sensory information. Decoding is accomplished by measuring the on/off intervals of this sensor channel. Derivation of the time and date is accomplished by the SD730 Shadow Processing Support Software.

Accurate high-noon sensing is obtained by measuring the solar transit time and computing the midpoint. This algorithm also corrects for variations in gnomon width, latitude and season. In the event that a cloudless night permits a high full moon to be seen, it will be differentiated from an authentic high noon by comparing observed transit time against a reference solar transit time.

Within 24 hours following power restoration, the SD730 driver software will restore the correct system time.

Power outages in excess of 24 hours can be accomodated once a reference year has been accumulated. Day length, solar transit time and their rates of change are used to recognize the day within the year.

Installation

The SD730 is user installable and comes complete with an installation kit consisting of a lensatic compass. All software is self-installing and self-calibrating. The only requirement is that system time be set correctly and that at least one clear day be allowed for self calibration.

The SD730 will not operate reliably when installed at latitudes greater than 60 degrees.

Maintenance

While the SD730 is simple and reliable, some environments may necessitate periodic cleaning of the gnomon and photo-detector. Although the gnomon shields the photo-detector from debris, this may not be sufficient for particularly hazardous locations subject to overflights by large flocks of migratory birds. To assist in problem detection, error log entries will b

Re:Not funny, but I have something better...

[sg3000]

> in a club in Lagos Nigeria (the bar is called Towers, a nice
> place on Victoria Island), there is a sign above the
> urinals, which says: "Employees must wash genitals
> before returning to work"

> I just wish I'd had my camera with me, but you will have
> to take my word for it.

Funny sign, but my suggestion is that you don't try to take a camera into a public restroom, snapping pictures while standing at the urinal and snickering to yourself.

Just a friendly Slashdot public service announcement!

Mouse Balls Memo

[w.p.richardson]

MEMO: If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement,the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

Here's something actually funny

[Dr. Manhattan]

And nearly germane. The error messages for the Apple MPW C compiler.

For example:

• a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program
• Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)
• can't go mucking with a 'void *'

Plenty more goodies! Somebody had some fun writing those error messages...

This page left blank

[SuperBanana]

Years ago while helping my high school with some card-catalog software, I was flipping through the manual and saw:

THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

My first thought was "god, what a bunch of anal-retentive...." So I continued reading, and almost didn't notice that the next blank(or not blank) page was:

THIS PAGE ALSO INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

I smirked a little, and read on. It kept getting better though:

YES, THIS PAGE -ALSO- INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

THIS PAGE SHOULD NOT BE LEFT BLANK. OOPS, JUST KIDDING.

etc. etc...they obviously had some fun with that one, realizing just how stupid those messages are and poking fun at it.

It's almost as good as the Irix workstation which was donated to the HS...it would get increasingly cross if it found someone else was using its IP, and the logs would look something like this:

Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is still using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... is STILL using my IP address
Computer with MAC Address 34:23:23... IS STILL USING MY IP ADDRESS GOD DAMMIT!

(I don't remember the exact wording, but yes, it would finally start cursing mildly).

One time

[RightInTheNeck]

One time I helped put together a childrens jungle gym sorta deal. It came in a box about the size of a small Australian territory in about 367,894 seperate pieces. Being the men that we are and with the youngins watching in great awe we tossed the directions aside and dove in. After we finished we realized it looked like a scene from that movie "Labyrinth" and something was very very wrong. I picked up the directions finally and opened up to the first page and at the very top in really small print it said "Welcome back". Now I dont know if it was meant for another reason or it was the author being a smartass but it was damn funny at the time you had to be there I guess.

Shuttle Carrier Aircraft

[Feng]

On one of the carriers they use to ferry space shuttles around, there's a blindingly obvious sign written on one of the struts which reads "Place Orbiter Here... Black Side Down"

:)

I must protest.

[blang]

technical writers aren't very funny

I am not a technical writer, but in my experience, the technical writers are consistently the funniest and most diverse group in the company, and they often have some artistic hobby, and some are writing a novel on their spare time. Novelists are technical writers while they wait for publication. Stand up comedians tend to work in call centers.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[arivanov]

Hello city boy. Ever been out of there?

1. Ever seen anything growing under a nut tree (assuming we are talking walnut or similar)?

2. Peanuts are dug from the ground so this means disrupting any tree roots that are there.

Re:Actually, 'may contain peanuts' has a reason

[Walt Dismal]

I have violent reactions to nuts, but only the ones heading SCO.

Garment Management System

[serutan]

One time I asked for one of those hooks that snap onto the top of a cubicle wall, so I would have a place to hang my jacket. What they got me instead was a really nice padded coat hanger, like for a suit jacket, with a small clip-on hook to hang the coat-hanger on. It came in a special triangular box labelled "Garment Management System". So I cut the name off the box and stuck it on the wall next to the hanger. Just so people wouldn't mistake my Garment Management System for a mere coat hanger.