Building Social Skills in Gifted Youths?

UNOStudent asks: "I'm currently a Biotech undergrad at the University of Nebraska-Omaha and have spent the past several semesters mentoring gifted youngsters and have been presented with a challenge this semester. My student is unbelievably smart, however has very limited social skills, is unable to cooperate with peers, doesn't understand why they make fun of his uncombed hair, etc. Since many of us may have grown up in a similar circumstance, I'm looking for suggestions from my fellow geeks on ideas for how to challenge him mentally, while building essential social skills." How would you build social skills in someone more concerned with math, science and computers?

Comments

Work = People

[SillySnake]

Get him a job dealing with people, and offer some sort of deal for him to get new tech toys to play with as a result. I was once much the same way but after working with people, and being able to reap the rewards, I am now a lot more functional in public than my peers. I've come so far as to hold a fairly decent sales job for my age and location, where I deal face to face with people constantly. Just like getting over your fears of anything else, confrontation is the easiest way to solve the problem. Granted, your student isn't AFRAID of social situations exactly, but I think more interaction would have the desired results.

Re:Role-playing games.

[Discopete]

Didn't give me any problems, been married for 10 years.

Asberger's Syndrome

[squozebrain]

I'm not a psychologist, but there is a lot of information on the web concerning Asberger's Syndrome, a social learning disability which often occurs in gifted children. See this site, for example:

Asbergers syndrome is a severe disorder typified by difficulties in social interaction, restricted interests, and unusual patterns of behavior. Like autism, boys are more likely to suffer from Asbergers syndrome than girls. Although the children often have well-developed verbal skills, they are severely lacking in social skills. Their ability to interpret social cues is impaired, as is their ability to empathize with others. Even though they can describe the emotions of others and the gists of conversations, they are unable to act upon this knowledge in an intuitive, spontaneous fashion. They often have clumsy, stiff body language, use inappropriate facial expressions, and may speak in a monotone. Some talk incessantly, but usually about a topic of interest only to themselves, so they bore the listener.

Although they may appear to be rude, this is a neurological disorder and not insensitivity. In fact, children with Asbergers are keenly aware of others around them, and become anxious in social settings. Because they tend to be "nerdy," these children often are subject to social rejection by their peers. This, in turn, frequently leads to anger, depression, and withdrawal, compounding the problem even more. Like their peers, children with Asbergers syndrome want to be accepted, but their disability makes this difficult. These children do well with logical, sequential thinking, so they tend to be successful academically and even have superior skills in an area of interest to them. However, holistic thinking is different; they often cannot deal with metaphors, puns, and creativity. Holistic thinking is required to be successful at reading social situations and responding appropriately.

Since the child with Asbergers syndrome primarily has problems with social skills, especially relating to peers as opposed to adults, the diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis are very different than for classical autism. Psychotherapy and treatment in a program for the emotionally disturbed tend not to be helpful. (In fact, one school of thought regards Asbergers syndrome as a nonverbal learning disability as opposed to a mild form of autism.) One therapy that has been effective is Computer Aided Emotional Restructuring (CAER), which greatly reduces the anger, anxiety, and depression brought on by the social rejection these children usually experience. As they become more relaxed in social settings, these children become free to learn to effectively read and respond to social cues, and social skills training becomes more successful.

Acting lessons

[esnible]

Acting lessons, especially improvisation (comedy or drama).

Acting teaches how to communicate intentions and how to show interest when listening.

Acting can also provide a second social network (with people just as interested in role playing as you, except without silly costumes), with few social interconnections to the tech social networks (so you get to be a social hub.)

Smile. It goes further than you think...

[Anonymous Coward]

I graduated from one of the top schools in Computer Science. Needless to say, the majority of students were male and it was "difficult" to find a girl. I was working as a 'Desk Attendant' (which meant that I checked IDs as people entered a dorm) and I realized that it was the PERFECT opportunity to meet women. Everytime a girl passed that I didn't know, I simply smiled. The next time I saw them, I smiled again. If I was feeling lucky, I engaged in conversation. Eventually, it led to completely random women coming up to me on campus saying something as simple as "Hi!". My friends were amazed. "How did you meet her?" they'd say.

The lesson is that social interaction doesn't require a major breakthrough. Slowly build up your confidence and you'll be amazed at the results which follow.

Re:Surely You're Joking

[AMystery]

I haven't actually read Feynman yet, but he is on the list. However, I have to say that the intellectual approach is the wrong one if done exclusively, I tried it and all it does is lead to further ostrization. It finally resulted in me asking this girl if I could "study" her. No, you don't want to enable that type of humiliation.

Getting the kid involved in any social skill is better, intellectual observations tend to be solitary. Team sports are of course good, but as most geeks are completely ungifted there, something like the science olympiad or governors academies are great. I learned a lot from each, how to work in a group, made some good friends.

If you have it in your area, JETS (Junior Engineer Technical Society or something like that) is a wonderful competition. A group of people that work as a group to solve some hard engineering problems and think outside the box. Get 100 young geeks together in a large room, they compete, they break for lunch and massive studiest of the aerodynamic properties of paper, then some more competition. Wonderful memories.

Play to the geek skills of random knowledge and challenge, but avoid the solitary activities and also downplay the sex angle unless they bring it up, let him do what he wants, just give some direction and motivation.

Most of all, let the kid have fun!

Re:more words:Dyslexia and Dyspraxia

[NeoThermic]

While being related to that, you could also say the child could be dyspraxic and dyslexic, as I am.

In what has been described in the blurb, I see what I was when I joined year 7 at my UK school.

The best way I coped with social situations was literlly to relate them to computer programming. Each individual is an object, they have the same properties, but diffrent values.
The best way to socialise with one another is to exchange the diffrent values you have and try to find similar ones. When you do, its best to follow the similar ones, and thus you can become friends with them.
If they have diffrent values but express intrest in the ones you have, you could show them about that value. Thus you have also made a friend through diffrences.
I still find it hard to socialise with girls, however, with time comes perfection, as I currently have a girlfriend.
You need to, without making them feel unwanted or put down by suggestions, make them think a bit about their outwards apperence. Hand them a comb in the morning, and make a small joke about why to use it. (E.g. better look snappy, you never know who might walk through the door - or something similar without the cheeseness).

Do get them tested for all three, both of my points, and the parent posters point, as early diagnosis is very helpfull.

Good Luck

NeoThermic

An Extreme Example...

[quantaq]

I met a high school kid a couple of years back who blew away any anti-social geek I've ever known. The /. crowd only *thinks* it's out of the social loop, but trust me, this kid has everyone here beat (the fact you come to this site at all makes you more social and recreational). To begin with, he read no fiction whatsoever. Only text books. High level math and physics. Neither science fiction nor fantasy appealed to him. I wish to god I could remember what he said about the /. site after I pointed him to it.

Anyway, I *tried* to get this kid into something that even the geek crowd would think was recreational, but nada. No music, no movies, no video games, no sports (assuming foozball counts as a sport). Sure, he's headed to Yale, and he knows assloads about engineering already (he could talk down to a master's student from GA Tech), but I can't imagine how lonely the guy may one day end up. It's *possible* that he'll meet a girl who'll fall in love with him for what he's like now, but his playing field is severely limited as such. And yes, I understand that his idea of recreation was the things he was into, but it isn't exactly common ground when it comes to finding friends. He basically reminds me of the guy from Sneakers who made robotic dogs, but more limited.

I finally decided that it wasn't my place to help this guy. That might be the case with the student in the article. I personally think that it'll take a psychologist/psychiatrist, and not the /. crowd, to really help this kid. You may have no idea why this kid is acting the way he is, so don't try to fix him. He's not an iPod mini. If you screw up and make things worse, it's a person, not a couple hundered bucks, that's lost.

What worked for me

[dkleinsc]

Believe me, I went through this in a major way, since I grew up in a sports-loving-intellectual-hating public school. Here's what helped me break out of it:

1) The kid should make no apologies for his brains. Unfortunately, many such kids are bright enough to realize that people like you if you're stupid, and thus try to act like an idiot to try to make friends.

2) Show the kid that social issues can be solved just like mathematical and scientific problems. Individual people, especially children aged 8-12, are pretty easy to predict, so encourage the kid to try experimenting with various approaches, changes in appearance, etc, and noticing how each classmate reacts. You might try having the nerd take notes and create a report findings to the teacher, and if their not inflammatory, to the rest of the class.

3) Provide opportunities for the kid's intelligence to be used to the benefit of classmates in a context which matters to them. For instance, give them a mathematical puzzle to solve as a group with a reward based on how quickly they can do it. Suddenly a nerdy kid becomes useful, and everybody's friend.

4) Make sure the kid knows that eventually the nerds win. Big time. They control almost everything, from sciences to many businesses to sports teams to governments. Also make it clear that bullying is a sign of weakness, not strength.

5) Let him find some nerdy friends. They often exist.

-------------
Here are some ideas which you should never ever ever try:
1) Don't blame the nerd for bullies. Teaching a nerd not to be a victim is fine, but to blame the nerd is to tell him that you support the bullies. Dumber kids might not see that connection, but a nerd definitely will.

2) Don't give the nerd self-help books. That just encourages more reading and less social behavior, which makes matters worse.

3) Don't force the nerd to spend time with a particular classmate. The nerd doesn't enjoy it, because the classmate is clearly pretending to be a friend, while the classmate immediately resents the nerds presence because it was imposed by an adult. No one wins.

A few ideas.

[An Onerous Coward]

Since we don't actually know much about this kid, the best I can do is try to address some common problems.

First, the kid is smarter than just about everyone around him. Way smarter. You know it. He knows it. Make sure that he understands that just about everyone else already knows it as well, and those who are too dumb to recognize it aren't worth impressing. So he doesn't need to beat them over the head with the fact.

Tact is often 90% of the battle. People who are intellectually gifted but socially maladapted tend to be insecure about it, and will retreat into whatever they feel they excel at. So it's pretty frequent that "the smart guy" is the one who ends up jumping down peoples' throats over minor errors. It's not a good friend-winning strategy, but people tend to build themselves up by tearing others down.

So, he has this brain on him. How to get him to use it for good instead of evil? How about teaching him how to tutor his classmates? If you can drill into his head that he needs to be forgiving of mistakes, and compliment people for their effort, it could lead to some positive interactions. For geeks his age, positive social interactions are often few and far between.

Fashion shouldn't be too hard. He doesn't need the $50 jeans or the $200 shoes. Just throw away everything that's too threadbare, or actively hideous. The goal isn't to turn him into a GQ model, but to simply raise his fashion sense to the point that his clothes aren't a limiting factor. The same goes for hygiene. Get him to do something with his hair. Doesn't much matter what.

He might want to take up weight lifting or running or cycling. Something to give him a bit of confidence in his own body. Karate might be cool as well. If he can find something he enjoys in the way of team sports, all the better.

Now the word we've all been waiting for: Girls. I can't say I'm wise in their womanly ways, but let's get a few of the serious no-no's out of the way. Treat them with respect, show interest in their hobbies, don't insult their friends, and for god's sake, don't bitch and moan about how girls all want guys who treat them like dirt. That attitude is both insulting and wrong, and I've seen way too many guys who do it. Occasionally, it's true, but far more often it's just a defensive measure to keep the guy from having to evaluate what he did wrong.

Find something he likes, and find a way for him to get others involved in it (even if it's "just" his fellow geeks).

Just remember that you won't be able to do anything without his cooperation. If he's totally stubborn, help him with the scholastics and hope that he figures the rest out on his own.

Social skills are a two-way street

[Jerf]

Social skills are a two way street. Make sure that the people around him are interacting with him, too.

Today, I am a fairly stereotypical introverted nerd. However, I have heard from my family that I was actually a fairly extroverted kid.... until school. There I committed three sins: I was ugly (a tooth issue not diagnosed correctly until later), uncoordinated and couldn't play sports well (just nearsighted enough to ruin my depth perception, also undiagnosed for many years), and I knew stuff (could already read and do simple arithmetic in kindergarten). Hattrick.

I'm sure I wasn't a social wonder in kindergarten, but who is? My point is, I never had a chance. Now I'm introverted. What choice did I have?

Mind you, I'm happy enough with the outcome; you can't hear my tone so this might sound bitter. It's not; to me this is just how I am, I figured this out years later.

"But what about his hair?" Well, social skills form via feedback, which must be both positive and negative. If a kid is simply ejected from society at a young age, then he's never had an opportunity to learn about hair styling; he literally doesn't know about it. I recall not caring, either. So even to the extent that you may have a kid clueless, it may even be a result, not a cause.

Can society take the whole blame? Beats the tar out of me, but I doubt it. Maybe he's got a light case of Asperger's syndrome... I'm pretty sure I don't, though. But you can't write the effect of his society off, either. I recall trying to reconnect and being firmly ejected over and over.

How does this help? I don't know. Let me know if you find out. Seems people don't get mature enough to allow kids to re-enter society until somewhere around high-school. Getting out of his age group might help.

(Stuff like this makes me strongly sympathetic to the homeschooling system, which often involves significant out-of-age interaction, short-circuiting the need for every kindergarten class to reconstruct society from scratch; is it any surprise they get it so wrong? What do you expect from five-year-olds?)

Re:One word - Karate

[ComradeX13]

The point of Karate - or any martial art - would be in part *to* give him coordination.

Speaking as a former "gifted" kid, and someone who started taking martial arts young, there's nothing like knocking the shit out of the school bully to give a kid some confidence.

A lot depends on age, as well... hell, a kid like that in high school, I'd say find a cool kid his own age and throw him into your average high school summer party. Losing a few inhibitions can do a lot for a person.

Anyway, though, show a kid with some smarts something he wants that he can only get through social activity, give him a few clues as to how to get started and I'm sure he'll pick a few things up (again, age - later on, sex is a big motivator.)

Re:One word - Karate

[shadowbearer]

Mod parent up

Ditto, here. TKD, also. Never considered a psycho, AFAIK, but the bullying just stopped after I got my first belt. Might have had something to do with me demolishing a certain asshole in my sophomore year.

I ran into one of the bullies who terrorized me during junior high recently in a bar in my hometown. His take on it was that I had "changed" and there was something about me that told him not to try it anymore, so he looked for easier targets.

He'd really changed, too, when we talked. We'd both grown up a lot, and it was a great evening of conversation and reminiscence, and laughter at how stupid we both were. Holy memory, batman....thanks, DD

SB

Re:One word - Karate

[CosmeticLobotamy]

I don't know about being a cook. That seems like it might help. But I have a similar problem to this kid's, not due to excessive smarts but because when people talk to me I freeze up and imagine all the ways I'm going to make an ass of myself before whoever is talking to me leaves despite my best efforts to not, and I worked as a cashier.

So I can tell you that being a cashier will only teach the kid to smile and nod while thinking, "Shut up and pay, shut up and pay, there's people behind you, they're going to yell at me for being slow and it's your fault, shut up and pay." Smile-and-nod skills are important, but there are better ways to learn them where no one yells at you.

I can't give advice, only say what worked for me

[drinkypoo]

At least, to some degree. I am still something of an introvert, though lately I simply don't have enough money to go out. (I don't really have enough money to put gas in my car this week.) Before you ask, since broadband costs per month about what it would cost to go to dinner someplace decent once, I don't feel like it's an inappropriate use of my money.

I was considered a "gifted child", I went to a private school only for gifted children for a year and a half or so, before I was apparently kicked out for being violent or something. I have no recollection of the event, besides crying on the way home, and that they gave me a coupon for a free ice cream cone. After that day I went to public school, which was bad from start to finish. They had a GATE ("gifted and talented education" program) which was a sad and pathetic joke. For example, because I was one of the younger students, they wouldn't let me participate in their astronomical pursuits. The only thing I really remember from the GATE program was the speed-reading machine, which looked to be of a fairly ancient vintage, and which has pretty much ruined reading for me because I kill off novels in just a few hours. Now that they're $7 for a goddamn paperback, I can't afford to buy new books, except every so often I'll throw down the money for a nice hardcover - the last two non-textbooks I bought were Cryptonomicon and Quicksilver, can you tell I'm a Stephenson fanboy?

Added to all of this was the fact that my parents split up when I was five, and my father (who is an alcoholic, in recovery, and hasn't touched alcohol except to hand it to one of his sons :) in several years) was not around for most of my development - actually, he wasn't really around for most of the time before I was five, either. We have a great relationship now but that definitely altered who I was, and arguably not for the better. Of course, we'll never know, but one thing it certainly must have done was harm my ability to socialize. In addition my mother was somewhat manic depressive and had her own problems forming attachments and my half-brothers were troublemakers (and only lived in the same house as me for about a year and a half, little of which I remember) so the only male role model I ever had was my "Big Brother" as in Big Brothers and Big Sisters. He was a great guy (Hi, Gary!) who worked for Parallel Systems (I think that was the name, they were someplace in or near Santa Cruz which is where I am from, it was definitely Parallel but I don't remember if it was computing, systems, whatever.)

Now the moment you all are waiting for, the moment where computers enter the picture. Actually throughout this time I had a series of computers. The first one I ever owned was a Commodore 16 which my father got me, he got it "cheap" whatever that meant, probably in trade for something. It had no storage, but it did have the box and the manual, and I fiddled around with BASIC. Gary loaned me his Apple ][+ with two floppy drives for a while, and that was much better. Later, I got a shiny new Amiga 500, and a BSR 1200 baud "phone modem", and the rest, they say, is history.

Back then of course internet access was available only from schools or very expensive services, so I BBS'ed, and made friends that way. I really only had a couple friends growing up, and at this point I had made a few more (like five) from summer school, other ingrates like myself who were of course all intelligent and mostly misunderstood. (A couple of 'em really were violent, thieving little bastards, but they were people that I could get along with for the most part.) But the BBSes were a whole new world in which I could represent myself with words until I had the confidence to meet people face to face and employ my drastically underdeveloped people skills, which like most other skills, improve with use.

One of the people I met through the BBSes was another social inept like myself (he, too, improved greatly over time, partly due to social

The Social ASpie

[Malkin]

Frankly, I'm inclined to agree with your call, on that one, Barbara. Upon cursory glance, this student does sound like a classic case.

ASpies are usually filled with a great passion for certain topics that interest them. One way to get them interested in being social is to introduce them to others who share their passions. Even this can be awkward for some, though.

It is useful, in some cases, to teach them that there are very real, practical reasons for gaining social skills. Rare ASpies have been known to be capable of focusing their amazing learning abilities on attaining social graces, from what I understand. They create sets of rules to operate by. They search for patterns in the behaviors of others, so that they can apply their rules. It sounds horrible -- as though it were some sort of act -- but to some degree, a great deal of social behavior is an act, isn't it? Why else would there be etiquette books and finishing schools?

Perhaps what you wish to teach is not social "skills," but, rather, the ability to find pleasure in being social. Can that be taught?

Well, maybe it's best to start with those aforementioned folks who share your student's passions. Start by making things fun!

Picking up chicks.. Feynman had it right.

[xtal]

You need to check out Fast Seduction.

Yeah, it's horrible, flame away, but it works like you wouldn't believe. Good insights into the female mind. I played around with it as an experiment many years ago to help get my people and relationship skills up. It's actually sickening how well it works. 3 second rule is gold in all walks of life. And for gods sakes, get some new clothes and get a haircut and shave. $150 worth of weights and 45 minutes a week will change your appearance forever, and it MATTERS in interviews.

The feynman stuff is as true as EVER. You don't buy a chick anything. You should be trying to get her to buy YOU stuff. Now there's a challenge.

Treating social interaction as a grand experiment is a lot of fun, you might learn something, and maybe get some, too. :)

Along the same and more depressing lines, check out the Ladder Theory of male/female relationships. It's amusing, but has a ring of truth to it.

Good luck!

Three Words - Job in Retail.

[Beardo the Bearded]

When I was going to College, the biggest influence in my confidence and people skills was a job in retail. NOT something even remotely connected to technology. I.E. No Future Suck, Elecsucknics Boutique, etc. Selling clothes or glasses are probably the best.

Other benefits:
1. Money. I mean, who couldn't use some more money? You can buy clothes, haircuts, women, toys; hell, he could even buy a gold brick if there's nothing else he wants.

2. Dress sense. Unless you're in a job that supplies a uniform, you're going to have to learn how to put together a good outfit. Some outfits will suck, especially at first, but soon the good outfits will outnumber the bad.

3. Talking to people all the time who don't give a nut how smart you are. As far as they're concerned, you're dumber than they are.

4. You will learn that a company will stab you in the back, then figure out if it's cheaper to pull out the knife and stab you again, or use a new knife. That's a VERY valuable lesson.

If he'd rather not work, then he's probably already too far gone to help, but the College / University that he's going to should have dozens of clubs. That's probably an okay substitute.

the secret to being social

[bergeron76]

RELAX!

As a coder and socialite, I can fill you guys in on the secret.

Coding is a VERY PRECISE SCIENCE.

Talking to people is a VERY RELAXED ART.

On nights that I'm in "code mode" I don't go out and socialize, or party, etc. I write code. The problem with geeks is that we don't spend enough time in social situations. Just like everything else in life, you have to put time into things that are worth doing. In the same way that you can soak up some code by spending time with it, you can soak up social graces by being around people (that aren't close friends).

PEOPLE ARE NOT COMPUTERS. If you don't put a comma in the right place, or you don't puncuate your sentences properly, your conversation will still compile. The only way to mess up a conversation is to OVERTHINK or OVERANALYZE it. The best thing to do is just talk to everyone as if they were a close family member or friend. Ask them about their day... Ask the cashier at Publix or Kroger if she/he's been busy today. They'll chat with you.

Also, don't chat with people just for a predefined GOAL. People can see right through that (especially girls). Share a few sentences with the grocery bagger EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FROM HIM. It will do 2 things - it will relax you when talking to a stranger, and it will help you build your basic conversational topics.

Hell, start small. When you call 411 and ask for a number, and the chick is looking it up, ask her if she's been busy. Ask her if shes based out of your town. If it's a dude, do the same thing. Learn to just talk to people and act like you care what they are telling you. But DON'T BE CREEPY. Listen to what they say and follow up on it briefly, but don't linger on things. When your bags are done being placed in your shopping cart, tell the person, "good luck."; or "have a good day". or whatever. Being social is not nearly as complex as learning a programming language; so stop looking at people like every period, semicolon, comma matters.

People are very basic.

The end result is that you'll be more relaxed in general when talking with people. You won't have a "goal" when talking to someone, and people won't think that you do and they'll just talk about whatever with you.

Alcohol helps, but it's not a solution.

Once you find the "keyword" that you and the little slut have in common, you can milk it and show your intelligence on the subject and then bed her.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: Intermediate conversation - In this chapter we'll discuss how to tell her things like, "Don't wake me up when you leave tomorrow..." and "I really appreciate the head, but I'd be really impressed if you made me a sandwich..."

while modded funny this is actually accurate

[Anonymous Coward]

When I was 16 I decided that I would be happier if I normalized myself. Based on studies on soviet alcholics I concluded that if I did enough brain damage I'd be close to normal

Well it didn't normalize me but the thing I discovered was that when drinking heavily I was charismatic and appraochable. I had spent 2 years in the gym but had no luck with women. *bang* as soon as I have as much booze in me as a squad of navy pilots on leave I was irrisistable. by the time I was 18 there was a list of girls who would go to parties only if I was going to be there.

I also figured out that all I had to do was act like I did when drunk and I was much better with people (the eye contact, energetic voice, the warm smile, being happy to see people, etc). You do not have to ever have the "social skills" all you really have to have is the ability to emulate the social skills. this is basic acting people. It doesn't have to come naturally but you do have to be able to study what charismatic people do and be able to parrot it.

Body building also doesn't hurt. Women as well as men judge you initially based on the only thing they have and that is appearance. Besides it is just like any other RPG, it is all about leveling.

Martial arts? been there done that. If you live in fear this might seem like the answer. Unfortunatly your charismatic martial artist is about as common as your charismatic astro physisist (maybe less, I understand that Hawking used to be great fun at parties). This is only a good idea if he is getting beat up and then, only if he feel the opposition is not going to feel his new found skills entitle them to equalize the situation whether it be through numbers or weapons.

If he is as sharp as you say; above and beyond all else remember he doesn't have to socialize with people his own age. Grab him a few PHDs and post grads from fields that interest him and let them play together. Or see if he can just start college early (some places will pay for it if he his still a minor) The people who are mean to him now, will dead end shortly after high school and that they will never matter like they seem to right now. It is a couple rough years but after that everything gets better.

This one should go AC as some of it sounds like bragging and the rest might sound sociopathic to some.

Ultra-radical idea?

[cr0sh]

Want to get him or her to open up? Want to change their world perception?

Take them to Burning Man!!!

I guarantee you - if you have never been, you and your outlook on life will be different.

If you want the least frustrating experience - find some friends to go with, or ones who have gone. Or, find out if you have a regional burn group - and go to the regional burn, or any one of the other events that the group may sponsor or host. Get involved with the art, with the sound, with the sights - get involved with the people!

Believe me, you won't feel too weird anymore afterward - Burning Man introduces whole new levels of strangeness into your life.

My first Burn was last year. My only regret is not going sooner. The people I met, the friends I made, the art I experienced - I was made anew.

As part of this re-making, I learned something that should be common sense, especially for someone my age - but it wasn't. It is something fundamentally important, that I missed all of these years - and learning it led to my final decision to go to Burning Man. If it hadn't been for the wonderful friends I have, I might have missed this simple truth:

A stranger can only become a friend through getting to know them. If they act like they don't like you, or don't want to talk to you, it most likely isn't you. It's them. In other words, if you are being polite and doing everything to be friendly with someone you don't know, and they still shun you - move on. It is they who have the problem, not you.

Teach them that, let them learn it - then take them to Burning Man.

Both of your lives will never be the same again.

or...Music & Dance

[goliard]

The other disciplines which have been helping us too-smart-for-our-own-good people get in touch with their bodies are the studies of music and dance. For the clueless, I particularly recommend study in strict formal traditions where they tell you things like "This is right/this is wrong" rather than "Just express yourself." In addition to making practitioners more in touch with their bodies, both disciplines have interesting social effects. They can provide a modality of interaction particularly suited to shy people, one which doesn't involve small talk; they can provide both cooperative and competitive interactions.

Re:or...Music & Dance

[son_of_asdf]

Concur...studying the piano and classical guitar did wonders for me as a child/teen, both from a discipline standpoint as well as from a social standpoint.

Never underestimate the effect of an instrument well played on a young girl's loins....

Re:Empathy

[TheLoneDanger]

There's one thing that always bothers me. Why is the onus for empathy always on the geek? Do jocks go out of their way to try to understand geeks? I mean, it could probably even be explained to them that geeks feel the same way about say computers as they do about sports and stats.

Essentially, it seems the reason is that because there's more of them than there are of us, that it is our duty to change. Because there are more of them then there are of us, they're the normal ones that we should be more like.

You may be right in that I find it difficult to know what another person (non-geek) is thinking. That makes me nervous and anxious. So how come the other person doesn't know to empathize with me feeling anxious and nervous? Why is it only a one-way street? It isn't that I don't try, I'm just not very good at it (with non-geeks). If they are better at empathy, is it just at empathizing with others like themselves (non-geek). If so, then isn't that just as limited as our ability to speak to other geeks better than we do to non-geeks?

Note: I realize I am sort of making an us/them type argument. It's just that I believe that people are just wired in different ways, and some people will always get along better with one group than another.

Yep, find a local group of gifted children

[TekGoNos]

Put gifted kids together.

Yep, that is the best way (from my personal experience).
It not only helps them to gain some social skill from the interaction with similar kids, the moral support I got from these groups was very healthy too. You are surrounded by a bunch of kids who all have the same problems, and that helps you to deal with the bullies. I developped a "I am more intelligent than this jerk, so I dont care what he says"-attitude that helped me survive school.

Granted this is arrogant and needs to be overcome when you reach adulthood, but IMO it's still better than what other people I know have experienced. Not knowing that they were more intelligent, they felt as "cheaters" because they performed well on tests without learning, something that was preached by their teachers to be "impossible". Thereof their whole succes in life seamed a lie to them and they lived in fear that this lie will be discovered one day. Also they felt isolated because nobody understood them.
And they were the lucky ones that did well in school instead of malperforming because they got bored.

The day they first joined a group of very intelligent people generally comes to them as a relieve and sometimes even as an "enlightenment". I literally saw a woman in her fifties burst in tears on her first Mensa meeting. Having contact to other kids that understand and respect him will not only teach him social skills but also show him that he's not alone in the world, but that there are others just like him.

So dont wait for him to make this discovery later in life, but get him in touch with similiar children now. Contact the gifted children program of Mensa or a specialized organisation like the American Association for Gifted Children to see if they have a local group of gifted children.

BTW, from my experience gifted children are far more likely to accept someone much younger or older in their groups than "normal" children. I guess they are happy to find someone that understands them at all, so age doesnt matter that much. (I still wouldnt advice to put a 5-year-old in a group of 16-year-olds ;)

I also was a member of a chessclub which is important as it gets you in touch with "normal" people. Not hyperintelligent, but not the typical school bullies either. But it didnt gave me the same emotional satisfaction as the gifted children group.

Finally, dont expect wonders. I still wasnt "Mr. Popular" in school, but I always had some few, but good friends, even some (even fewer) girlfriends and was happy. But even then, and despite the fact that I got to a highschool for "better" students, it was sometimes pretty rough at school. But when I got to (I guess the US equivalent is college), I fund it very funny that the same people that bullied me before became very nice to me. Suddenly they were concerned about their marks and guess who they did turn to with their problems in Math ;-p
I didnt abuse my new power and didnt let them abuse me with this new promise of "popularity" either, but kept friendly and acquired a nice middle position in the hierarchy. I suddenly got invited to parties and became a somewhat more normal, but rather shy student.
Now, at university, I'm almost on the top of the food chain ;-p

Re:One word - Karate

[Zugok]

From my experience, you are quite right. Up until a year ago, I didn't go to the gym (I might add that I was depressed as well). I was a geek, and wasn't particularly confident with the ladies and being in a social environment. One year in the gym, I am a lot more comfortable with myself physically, and the ladies just fall for me. It doesn't take long to get noticeable results either. Granted this student may not be the right age for weight training, but physical activity is something which should be considered. The parent and grandparent suggest martial arts, but I would suggest a team sport just to encourage this student to be a bit more co-operative with peers. Ifthat fails, I would rather suggest kendo :)

Re:Get him drunk

[LucidityZero]

You might be kidding about this, but I don't think you're all wrong.

You need to expose these kind of people to real social situations: including drinking, etc.

The best example I can come up with is as follows:

Back in high school I used to hang out a the local Starbucks a LOT. Most of my high school clique did too. (If if makes anything make more sense, I've always been a computer geek, but was very popular in high school. I wasn't just hanging out with Linux geeks at this Starbucks...)

In any case, this kid named Eric started showing up. He was the most shy person I have ever met, but obviously wanted social interaction. He'd come up to Starbucks, pull up a chair next to our table, and not say a word. When you asked him a question, he'd mumble a response so low you'd have to ask him to repeat it 4 times. He wouldn't speak, he wouldn't say anything at all.

About a year later, we convinced him to come to a party with us. And he drank. He got drunk. And he talked at a normal tone! He actually TALKED.

It wasn't an instant cure, but over the months following that, Eric came out more. At first he would only talk while he was drinking. But as time went by, he became comfortable with talking, and when I last saw him, his social problems had entirely disapeared.

You might be kidding about the "Get him drunk" comment, but I ask everyone to think for a sec: "Why do most people drink?" in the first place?

Even for those of us without hardcore social interaction problems, it's because it still helps us loosen up, etc.

You may not be as off with your "Get him drunk" comment as people might assume.

Scare the student with a hideous counterexample.

[lxs]

When I was in college, We had this one professor who was brilliant at his work (numerical methods in astrophysics) and a good teacher. However the guy had no social skills outside of his teaching, and he looked like a tramp. A fellow student ran into him at a train station one day and said "hi!", the professor actually RAN AWAY SCARED.

I was a terminal nerd at the time, but meeting an intelligent guy in his '50s who was less well adjusted to the world than most students, scared the hell out of me. It was like being visited by the ghost of Christmas future.

I'm still rather antisocial, but after watching a possible future played out so vividly, I started to take acquiring social skills a lot more seriously.

FIRST robotics

[KathleenLePirate]

Karate can be helpful, but not for everyone. I am currently in the same situation, however, I am lucky enough to go to a large school where I can literally become invisible to avoid teasing/bullying. I haven't been picked on since middle school. The only classes I'm really comfortable in are my technology classes (and I'm a girl - it's hard to fit here too!), so I've made my extracurricular fit me. My high school has a FIRST robotics team. It's great - everyone works super hard to uild and design a robot in 6 weeks, then we get to go to Regionals and some people get to go to Nationals! For someone who may be uninterested in sports or other activities, this could allow him to be with other people that share his interests. The competitions are great! It's like a rock concert, literally, with out the drinking and fights and for geeks. Even if he's not so interested in robots, as I am not (but am more interested now after 2 years), there are other things you can do. The robot is programmed in C and there's a seperate smaller competition for a 3D animation built with 3D Studio Max. I have to say, this is the best experience of high school so far. I don't quite fit at school yet, but I've made friends that might pick on me for being nerdy, but I can pick on them back :-P

Obligatory Office Space quote...

[oneiros27]

(sorry, I don't have the full quote)

Bob Slidell: What.. what would you say... you do here? Tom Smykowski: Look, I already told you! I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

I freely admit that I have some problems with my people skills -- but when I'm combined with a good manager, most people would never know it. I had one manager who made sure to control how I interacted with people, so make sure that he got the best possible work out of me.

I remember on one project, I was so pissed off that someone had given us something completely stupid, and practically impossible to do. Mark knew exactly how to handle it -- he told me that they were expecting me to fail, and that I should do it just to prove them wrong. He knew exactly how to turn my anti-social tendancies into a benefit, not a handicap. [and I turned my part of the project in on time... too bad the contractor never did, and walked with over 50% of the hardware, and never produced any of the software, that he was supposedly 'working on in [his] test lab'.]

In a small company, yes, everyone will probably have to do a little bit of customer relations. In a large company, with good managment, they will know how to deal with various personality quirks, and how to get the most of each person. [And likewise, if a particular person is worth the trouble]. Unfortunately, Mark got promoted, and I was hung out to dry by a completely 'hands off' manager, and was fired by his boss for pointing out his mistakes repeatedly.

Re:One word - Karate

[jlseagull]

I agree with the characterization of Aikido as an art that can either be very hard or very soft. My old sensei used to have a continuum of techniques - on one end, there's "my brother's drunk and pushing me around, and I don't want to hurt him too much" and at the other is "you're trying to injure my family - how can I kill you as efficiently as possible?" Some of the more drastic techniques give me the willies.

I guess my advice is to pick a martial art that requires interaction with a partner as an integral part of the class - not just sparring. This helps them become comfortable with both their body and the bodies of others. It helps get around some sexual awkwardness too - you don't get all freaked out when you accidentally grab boobie when doing a lapel grab, because you don't have time to worry about it. And the girls have this happen to them all of the time, and they're quite gracious about it.

(No one's going to read this anyway at 1000+ comments, but I thought I'd throw in)