Slashdot Mirror
Is "Marketingspeak" Killing Technology?
An anonymous reader writes "In this essay titled, inevitably, "SUNset?" an analogy is drawn between the car industry in Detroit, which failed in the 70s because the execs looked out their windows and saw nothing but American cars and so missed completely the threat from Japanese companies, and Sun Microsystems. "Sun is going to fail in this decade if it does nothing but send out surveys to customers asking them to validate marketing phrases of Sun's creation," says the author. He adds: "If you are someone who never gets tired of hearing 'proven,' 'best-of-breed,' 'cost-effective,' or 'taking the surprise out of business solutions,' then contact Sun and demand as much of their current marketing material as they can muster." But it isn't just Sun, surely. This is a failing of technology marketeers in general. Hmm, doubtless we can all come up with our own examples far equally awful as these from Sun. Who can come up with worse?"
Who can come up with worse?
This thread is quickly going to be "That's nothing. This one time..."
Free XBox, PS2
Currently I am proactively generating a synergistic environment where I can bring to fruition a new paradigm in answering questions of this nature.
Do not try to read the dupe, thats impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth
What truth?
There is no dupe
That's unpossible!
People might find handy the equation posted in this comment.
I've been reaching for the bleeding edge of technology for so long, my fingers really hurt now...
--from earlier today.
The Statue of Liberty is America's lawn jockey.
"Sun is going to fail in this decade if ...."
Uh.... didn't Sun fail last decade??
Shouldn't marketing be commoditizied and outsourced live American workers were? I mean, what's so special about glossy brochures with models and focus groups?
Only if we follow through by creating a whole new paradigm (sp?) in which employees are empowered to leverage their abilities and thus work smarter, not harder.
This has been around for a while (since 2000 I think), but I still get a laugh out of it:
Catbert's Mission statement generator
Perfect for this thread!
lol, wtf? stfu noob! rofl ^_^
Sounds like they need Language Solutions
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
they even used the word "paradigm" !
7 120917901
http://www.linuxelectrons.com/article.php/2004090
I mean, just look at those numbers!
If you don't know what AltaVista is (was), get off my lawn.
Is it value-added?
A goal is a dream with a deadline
As a geek, and unable to understand "business-esse" AND looking for a job in the mid to late 90's, AND (most importantly) on a dare, I used one of the "BS Generators" to fluff up my "objective" on my resume. To my shagrin - it worked! I got more pegs/emails/phone calls on that particular resume than I ever have - previous or after. I truly think the "businessey-type" people really DO believe their own BS - and the "Mission Statements".
I think we can all benefit from a good game of
Bull Sh*t Bingo
A two stories below this one, the following gem lies:
Privately funded in 1993, now with customers in 40 countries* and over $67 million** in cash reserves, the company experienced a phenomenal growth and continues to aggressively pursue new frontiers in order to meet or exceed the needs of most demanding customers by providing a scalable, seamless, comprehensive offering.
Leveraging our paradigm-shifting product line with state of the art technology developed by a dedicated team of professionals, we offer a significant competitive advantage on the diversified but fragmented market of best of breed anti-spam solutions.
reclaim your inbox.. sounds like a yeast infection treatment
Yes, where I work, we're doing more with nothing.
I was given this by a coworker during a project being run by andersen consulting (now accenture). In my opinion, they are the masters of this kind of bullshit, the the following joke about chickens crossing the road. Appologies to the (unknown to me) author:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Accenture, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Accenture convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Accenture consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge management, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Accenture helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Disconnect your television. Do your own research. Draw your own conclusions. They're probably lying. Don't be a sheep.
My theory is that the problem, if there is one, is that MBAs are making too many of the technical decisions. (I.e. "Which mail server should we use? Why, Exchange, of course!")
Not at my company. At my company, it's the three Exchange admins that picked Exchange.
I thought I felt a paradigm shift, but it was just my underwear riding up my ass.
Thanks, and make sure to carbon each VP and appropriate secretaries.
::jafomatic
...creating an impactful environment...
I'd think the last thing you'd want when architecting a road crossing would be an impactful environment...
I no longer have a copy... but I'm sure it said something about me being able to "synergistically re-engineer convergent e-technology" or some such BS :-B
I have a friend whose company was bidding on a contract. Part of the forms they had to fill out was their company's mission statement. Well, since they didn't have a mission statement, and since it was a *required* field on the form, he went to Dilbert.com and fetched one of these lovely (*cough*) mission statements.
They got the contract, in part because the client thought they had a good mission statement. (Needless to say, they never told the client where they came up with it.)
Excellent. Also, swap "change" for "transition".
I'm sorry if I haven't offended anyone
Globallyo logies
|
Unified
Network
Integration
Techn
Professional
Innovative
Marketing
Pro grams
Solutions
Targeting
Your
Loyalty
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bite my glorious golden ass.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
v
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v
v
v
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Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the bounds and prescriptions of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the Light Bulb shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the Light Bulb and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The Lawyer shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the Light Bulb and rotate the Light Bulb in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Grasping and rotation of the Light Bulb shall be undertaken by the Lawyer with every possible caution by the Lawyer to maintain the structural integrity of the Light Bulb, notwithstanding any failure of the Light Bulb to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the Light Bulb may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the Lawyer shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the Lawyer throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the Light Bulb becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the Lawyer shall have the option of disposing of the Light Bulb in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the Lawyer shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the Lawyer, by said party, by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for any party of the fifth part.
Calvin: I like to verb words.
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when "access" was a thing? Now, it's something you do. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language.
Hobbes: Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso
What's your mission?
To have sex with as many young, nubile women as I can before I die. Would this count a mission critical software?
Max
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
::jafomatic
In an essay titled, tediously, "Crashdot?", an anonymous reader wonders how long the popular technology discussion forum Slashdot can survive in the face of its editors' blatant ignorance of grammatical errors that a child of 5 would find embarrassing. "Slashdot is going to fail this year if it does nothing but post duplicated articles, week-old news and obvious trolls", says the author. He adds: "If you are someone who never gets tired of misplaced apostrophes, mixed tenses, and generally incomprehensible prose, then subscribe to Slashdot and read as many of their article summaries as you can stomach." But it isn't just Slashdot, surely. This is a failing of online journalism in general. Hmm, doubtless we can all come up with our own examples far equally awful as those seen on Slashdot. Who can come up with worse?
So basically you're saying that we need to follow up our action opportunity
by revisiting our objectives and re-orienting our goals according to an
open-source mindset so that we can pro-actively leverage agglutinative team
dynamics and team-building best practices to create bottom-up holistic synergy
through the empowerment and integration of key team players on the front lines
of our sales and production demographics into our prioritized mind share, so
as to focus everyone on the same page going forward in a fault-tolerant,
results-driven, and robust expectations paradigm that will initiate strategic
core competencies in our interpersonal assets management, foster win-win
outside-the-box thinking in our targeted skill-set networking and group-to-group
issues collaboration ecosystem, set us on a critical path to achieve total
quality in our quality-driven, services-oriented resources management game
plan, monetize the reusability of our top-down multitasking approach, and
up-sell the competition in the new economy.
Cut that out, or I will ship you to Norilsk in a box.
That's not too bad. I mean, the last 3 words actually tell you what they sell...
Ahh, just call it Fire-somethin-or-other.
Information wants to be free.
Entertainment wants to be paid.
You just want to be cheap.
This article highlights the need for a change in marketing language and I think that an industry-wide switch to ebonics is just what the market doctor ordered. Software developers could immediately begin to start selling overpriced software to the lucrative "wigger" segment; they obviously have more money than they should ever rightfully need.
True story.
As one of the premier innovators of language solutions worldwide, I would like
to offer them this one-time opportunity to re-invent themselves in a new,
total-quality paradigm, by securing my first-tier services. My language
solutions include the following unparalleled services:
* Utilize esoteric language units in unprecedented ways.
* Promote agglutinative team dynamics in your workforce to promote a robust
bottom-up holistic synergy and a fault-tolerant expectations paradigm.
* Leave your audience bemused and transfixed as they inefficaciously undertake
to apprehend your loquacious linquistic excursions.
* Redefine the use of language solutions in your industry and raise the
bar for language solutions among your competitors.
* Impart inappreciable quanta of enlightenment.
Cut that out, or I will ship you to Norilsk in a box.
Wow, I don't know if you're joking or not with thispagraph, but I'm going to print it out and have it in my notebook thingy I use for meetings. If I ever get caught sleeping (again), I will just read what I see first. Thanks!
I make a reasonable middle-class wage by going to work and not spamming blogs with scams.
I too cook, and yes my wife (I am married, she made me) allows me to think I am still a male. ;-)
Agent K: A *person* is smart. People are dumb, stupid, panicky animals, and you know it.
A buddy and I got tired of seeing "X" used in so many places with different meanings. Pedestrian X-ing ActiveX X-mas Xmit (transmit) XDock (cross-dock) XML X-Box The full list eludes me at the moment, but the point is we started prounouncing the X's all the same regardless of the word. So from now on we say: Pedestrian Christ-ing Active Christ Christ-mas (pronounce Christ instead of Cris) Christ-mit Christ-dock Christ ML Christ Box Enjoy, CrashCodes