Slashdot Mirror
Online Dating Advice?
frankgod asks: "I'm a 25/M/US geek who managed to get through school with my singleness intact. I plan on staying single for a while into the future, but I am considering online dating in addition to other methods of meeting local women for casual dating. Any advice on particular sites and tweaking profiles or search results? I've looked at eHarmony , Lavalife (sparse local results) and Match.com (seems to be best of the bunch.)"
And not asking Slashdot? Do things that interest you, and you'll probably meet people with similar interests.
What-r-u-nuts? Get married NOW. That way, you can get that much close to your second marrage; the one that you will be happy with. (Just don't have kids in the first one.)
(Go ahead...mod this as funny. The old guys know I'm not joking.)
A firewall can not protect you from yourself. Turn off what you do not need. Do not use the firewall to do your work.
"but I am considering online dating in addition to other methods of meeting local women for casual dating."
Your post reads like a functional spec for some implementation:
"the approproiate function should directly or indirectly provide methods to locate female interaction in convenient proximity to the user's house in timely manner."
That's just weird, man.
Stop working so much. Get out and interact and live! Stop thinking like an engineer and treat other people like normal human, living creatures.
My suggestion is to not let others, ie your friends and family, dictate to you what you should be doing socially. My friends collectively concern themselves more with my singleness than I do. I know my mother prays for her heathen son to find a nice Christian girl. They think it's a big deal that I've been single for so long, and I'm sure they think I'm getting desperate. Yet one even said I don't look desperate. I actually love not having to answer to anyone about where I am or what I'm doing. Even with the most casual relationship, this tension is apparent. I'm not saying don't 'get married' or 'stay away from women, they're all gold diggers'. Make up your own mind about what you want.
Someone hates these cans.
I'd have to agree. If you want to try Internet dating, or personal ads, or dating services:
DON'T.
It's that simple. In my part time job I deal with a HUGE number of people in troubled relationships. Here's some of what I've learned from my experience with dating businesses and seen from people I've worked with:
1) On Internet dating, people chat, e-mail, and talk on the phone. If you do try this, meet the person ASAP. Otherwise you don't get a full image of them in your mind and your imagination fills in the blanks with wishful thinking, instead of the fully rounded personality of a true human, complete with foibles. This is especially true for long distance relationships.
2) A large amount of what you see online, in personal ads, through a dating service is misleading. People often either present themselves as they think will look good, as they want to be, or as they see themselves (which is often inaccurate). Then they try to maintain that personality while they're with you.
3) Dating services can be as bad, or worse, than anything else. I tried Together (this was over 10 years ago), and ended up meeting a lawyer elsewhere who helped me sue Together because they did such a rotten job. I got back more than I paid them!
4) Most of the online services are run by people that know little about relationships and how intricate they are (other than their own experiences -- which does not show most of us how delicate many other relationships are). They are more into marketing than into helping people find soulmates (which is really a stupid term and leads people to think there is just one person for them and this person would be a perfect match).
5) If you have to try this, try eHarmony. I saw another thread where someone said they only match Christians. Not true. I took 45 minutes once to take their tests, and register for 1 month to see what they had. Their questionaires are valid (that's from someone who spent about 10 years working in treatment programs), they do a good job at weeding out kooks and people too unstable for a healthy relationship, and they do a good job at matching you with people who are close enough for you to feel comfortable. They won't match a Buddist with a 7th Day Adventist (unless you, as a Buddist, say it's okay!). Actually, one difference is eHarmony picks your matches, based on what psychologists know works. Their tests are complex enough to make it hard to mis-represent yourself (or be fooled by others), so instead of being fooled by the hot blonde who will suck your wallet dry without ever giving you a thing (and who seemed compatible), eHarmony will match you with people highly likely to get along with you.
I have never seen good matches come from dating services (just complaints), rarely from personal ads, and hardly ever from web sites. I have, though, seen many people who have ended up in screwed up relationships through all of the above.
See if your local university has a ballroom dance club or other strongly coed hobby you could pick up. It'll get you first-hand social experience with the opposite sex. I wouldn't use it as a pool of potential mates (that's just not the right frame of mind to go into it), but it should expand your social circle.
I'm posting here on Slashdot, so obviously my sources of credibility are a little bit shot from the beginning, but hang with me on this, because not only is this good advice, but when you listen to it, you'll realize that it's good advice.
Back when I was 12, I had a crush on a girl in my class, but, like many of you here, I was shy, and embarrassed. Also, at the time, I was a little overweight. (Okay, more than a little ;) ) I had a friend who was cool, and definitely more on the 'in' side of things, and I told him about liking her.
At that point, he told me the most useful dating advice I've ever heard, from then, and up till now. He said, "Ask her out. What's the worse she could say? 'No.'" I've found this to be the key to successful dating, and I'll explain why.
All of the guys who are having trouble dating are like school kids who can't ride a bike, but see other people riding bikes and really want to. The problem is, they're all so afraid of getting skinned knees, that they never even bother to give it a chance. Just like any difficult undertaking, there will always be a chance of getting a little hurt, but, when it comes right down to it, skinned knees aren't the end of the world, and neither is the word 'No'.
So, next time you're out on the street, or at a bar, pool hall, etc., and you see someone you find attractive, walk over to them and ask for their phone number. You know what they'll say? 'No.' But keep doing it for awhile, and you'll soon find that you're a little more comfortable with it, and it doesn't hurt so much. Keep doing it, and you'll learn how to present yourself so she/he is interested, which opens up the dating possibilities.
Doing well with regards to dating doesn't mean you never get hurt, and it doesn't mean you're always successful, but if you get out there and keep trying, you'll meet some really cool people (and some not so cool ones), and you'll end up meeting the woman/man of your dreams. (And sometimes just the woman/man of your dreams for that night ;) ) Good luck!
Go to parties - have your male friends bring their women friends from work and vise versa - that way you avoid the whole "Don't sh*t where you eat" thing.
Join a band - that's good for a number or two per show you play out. This worked very well for me. The success of Billy Joel, Lyle Lovett and Ric Ocasek should provide enough incentive.
Adult education classes - Don't take ANYTHING geek related - that's why you're having trouble in the first place. Take art history - it'll make you more well rounded.
Practice makes perfect, after MANY failures you'll find out what works for you. Always hit on the best looking women in the place - women like confidence. You'll get shot down, but do you really care what some stranger thinks - you shouldn't, so get over it and don't be embarrassed.
Make it a rule that you attempt to get a number EVERYTIME you go out at night - no excuses. Even if she's only a 5 or 6, she may have friends who are a 8,9 or a 10 that you can meet later on if you stay friends. Work out your moves on the low stress situation with the 5 or 6 so that when it really counts, you'll be ok.
Have fun!
..........FULL STOP.
Because you deal with troubled relationships for work, then you're seeing a higher proportion of failures than successes. Would someone go to a doctor to declare themselves 100% fit (besides hypochondriacs obviously)?
I still agree that there are sites which only serve to push porn, prostitutes and phoneys, but if you find a site that's good and you make the effort to do something, I see that as a positive step.
If personal ads and dating services truly didn't work then why are they still around? There are too many positive stories to simply discount it as a misleading direction. It's not the only by any means, and there are a number of other non-site-related options discussed in this thread, but online dating is no less or no more effective than anything else. It's partly a stigma issue that we're still not certain what the effects are.
click-clack, front and back. I'm not moving this car otherwise.
Just because someone is a single parent doesn't make them inelligable for the human race, neither does being divorced for that matter. However being a single parent does limit your social time and mean that you want to maximise the potential outcome of any date. Hence a reliance on on-line or other dating services. As to all desparate to get married - isn't this the oldest cliche in the book, the myth that all women want a stableand secure relationship whereas all men just want a quick shag. Whist this myth is patently untrue and unfair it does have a basis in reality and would be nearer the truth with those chosing dating services. At the end of the day you have to remember that the people you meet through ANY means will have their own agenda.
init 11 - for when you need that edge.
Just about four years ago, after 12 years of absolutely zero success with dating (meeting people online or offline) I gave up completely on dating. I decided to focus my energies on advancing my career instead, since at least there I knew my efforts would pay off.
In the ensuing four years I have met a few women that I like enough that I would have asked them out if I hadn't sworn off dating. I even briefly toyed with taking another shot at dating, but my willpower held. All I had to do to convince myself it was a bad idea was mentally review the 12-year string of failures I once optimistically referred to as a "love life."
These days when I get lonely and want something resembling female affection, I head for a strip club. At least there, the terms are clearly defined and nobody has any illusions about what is or isn't going to happen-- I talk to the stripper for a while, buy her a drink or two and then I get to see some T&A (instead of getting the "I like you as a friend" speech like I did when I was dating). And strippers stop loving you when you run out of $20s, not at some arbitrary point for reasons that will never truly be known to you.
And yes, I AM bitter about my dating experiences, and if anyone reading this had been put through the same shit I was, you'd be the same way.
I'm saying this in the most polite manner I can, but if you come across in your personal ad the way you did in that post, it's no wonder you had such bad experiences.
I'm no Adonis. Sure, I was in a bit better shape when I was single, but looks really don't mean much, either in meatspace or online and I met more than my share of fun, attractive, lusty women. One of them I couldn't live without, so I married her.
It took me most of my life to figure this out, but dating is all about attitude. Not looks, not money, not fame. Project a confident, self-assured attitude and it's amazing how differently the world responds to you.