Slashdot Mirror


Microsofts "Honeymonkey" Project

g0bshiTe writes "Ever hear the saying, 'given enough time a room full of monkeys could type out Shakespeare'? Well Microsoft seems to be taking this saying to heart, and taking a cue from the Honeynet project, they have created what they have dubbed 'honeymonkeys.' Security Focus has an article which describes this honeymonkey network, which is little more than a network of virtual Windows XP boxes in various patch states. These boxes are setup to crawl the seedier side of the web in search of vulnerabilities not bieng reported, and are being actively exploited in an attempt to further secure their product. Sounds like a decent idea from the Redmond crew to me."

36 of 320 comments (clear)

  1. secret name of the honeymonkeys by Hank+Chinaski · · Score: 5, Funny

    they call these guys "customers" over in redmond ...

    --
    IAAL
    1. Re:secret name of the honeymonkeys by krakelohm · · Score: 2, Funny

      No, I think I had heard it was moneymonkey.

      --
      You are all a bunch of idots.
    2. Re:secret name of the honeymonkeys by Tackhead · · Score: 4, Funny
      > they call these guys "customers" over in redmond ...

      No, those are developers. Developers. Developers. Developers. Developers. Developers. Developers.

    3. Re:secret name of the honeymonkeys by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      sigh...

      I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

      I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

      I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

      Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

      I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

      I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

      I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

      I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

      I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

      I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

      Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

      I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

      I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

      finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

      I like monkeys

    4. Re:secret name of the honeymonkeys by st1d · · Score: 5, Funny

      Nope, it's B.G.'s pet name for Steve Ballmer. I thought everybody knew that...

      --
      Microsoft has just released their much anticipated hands-free cordless mouse. Warning, it may hurt a little at first.
    5. Re:secret name of the honeymonkeys by Karl+Tacheron · · Score: 2, Funny

      And the sweating.

    6. Re:secret name of the honeymonkeys by SeventyBang · · Score: 2, Funny

      They haven't been brainwashed by M$ yet.

      They're known as Summer Interns.

    7. Re:secret name of the honeymonkeys by mollymoo · · Score: 3, Funny
      Offtopic? Get a grip mods, it's about monkeys, which is half the topic. If you can't supply your own honey then use your left hand.

      Mod parent +5 funny!

      --
      Chernobyl 'not a wildlife haven' - BBC News
  2. Did the sun rise from the West? by nydanceboy · · Score: 0, Funny

    I can't believe this... praise for Redmond in slashdot. Did the sun rise from the West?

  3. Get ready for a ton of these by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    *GENERIC JOKE ABOUT MONKEYS BEING IN CHARGE OF MS WINDOWS SECURITY*

    Just thought I'd head everyone off here...

    (lameness filter padding lameness filter padding lameness filter padding)

  4. Doesn't surprise me by coljrigg · · Score: 2, Funny

    I always assumed Skynet was based off of Windows XP.

  5. mmmmmm... honeymonkey by DaedalusLogic · · Score: 4, Funny

    Sounds delicious.

    But the real reason they named the project this is because they intend to sting you like a bee and then throw fecal matter at you.

    1. Re:mmmmmm... honeymonkey by Rorschach1 · · Score: 3, Funny

      Could this be a related species, perhaps?

  6. "bieng"? by Cheap+Imitation · · Score: 4, Funny

    It looks like the monkeys aren't only working on Shakespeare...

  7. Comment removed by account_deleted · · Score: 5, Funny

    Comment removed based on user account deletion

  8. I'm available... by kid_wonder · · Score: 4, Funny
    ...crawl the seedier side of the web.

    I like to call it, "break time"

    --

    "Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that, it's called everyone, they meet at the bar."
  9. Re:Hmm. by lcnxw · · Score: 5, Funny

    No, it is the start of Microsoft Newspeak. Longhorn will no longer say "Memory Page Fault" but instead "memfault." "Blue Screen" (bluescree) will lose its negative meaning and come to be a blessing from m.s. (Microsoft). Words like honeymonkey will eventually take on meanings like Ingsoc or doublethink, and there will be no more crashes, because it is no longer possible to concieve a crash.

    "he is a doubleplusgood honeyeymonkeyer."

    "Bluescree! Praise m.s.!"

    "MSCalc: 2+2=5!"

  10. Re:Good idea by harrkev · · Score: 5, Funny

    Sure. It sounds like a good idea -- until these boxes hit some warez and mp3 sites. Next thing you know, the BSA and MPAA are knocking on Microsoft's door. I wonder how many licenses for Windows and Office the BSA will force Microsoft to buy...

    --
    "-1 Troll" is the apparently the same as "-1 I disagree with you."
  11. I say by smittyoneeach · · Score: 4, Funny

    Put these honemonkeys on a network with a bunch of other computers running Firefox/greasemonkey, and let them fight it out.

    --
    Get thee glass eyes, and, like a scurvy politician, seem to see things thou dost not.--King Lear
  12. So your saying... by denissmith · · Score: 4, Funny

    A roomful of monkeys wrote Windows XP? OK, I'll buy that.

    --
    I have nothing to hide. So, why are you spying on me?
  13. Re:Hmm. by Heliologue · · Score: 5, Funny

    Computers are supposed to crash. Computers have always crashed.

  14. Spank the honey monkey by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    Hmm. I've eaten honey. I've spanked the monkey. I've never contemplated doing both at once.

    ** aycee eyes the honey bear **

  15. So what else is new by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    I thought AOL patented this years ago.

  16. this news is BIG by muszek · · Score: 5, Funny

    Pre-Monkey Era:
    -- someone exploits a vulnerability
    -- 2 weeks later someone discovers it
    -- half a year later M$ patches it
    -- three years later new version of Windows is released and finally the last 80% of users have patched systems.

    it took 3 years, 6 months and 2 weeks to patch most computers.
    Post-Monkey Era:
    -- someone exploits a vulnerability
    -- 2 days later monkeys report it
    -- half a year later M$ patches it
    -- three years later new version of Windows is released and finally the last 80% of users have patched systems.

    it took 3 years 6 months and 2 days to patch most computers.

    nice PR move though.

  17. Re:Mmmmm by ScrewMaster · · Score: 2, Funny

    Hey! My girlfriend is African and I have to say ... some of the things she cooks resemble that remark.

    --
    The higher the technology, the sharper that two-edged sword.
  18. The First Crash by nmb3000 · · Score: 4, Funny

    Here's the first crash

    I think they were computing pi.

    --
    "What do you despise? By this are you truly known." --Princess Irulan, Manual of Muad'Dib
    /)
  19. Re:euphemism... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    so then honeymonkey is just backwards, and more properly monkeyhoney?

    "John, did you clean up the monkeyhoney?"

    err... eew.

  20. Disappointing story by aslate · · Score: 4, Funny

    I thought this article was going to say "So they've hired an entire team of moneys to get them to write the next Windows". Infact it's just a load of machines doing nothing. I prefered my idea, much more chance of shit-fights between the moneys.

  21. Re:how much thought went into this? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    That is actually the main part of the plan -- it was the only way they could think of to protect the Microsoft addresses from being overwhelmed with spyware and viruses and worms and the like.

  22. Re:New job posting at Microsoft by Ithika · · Score: 5, Funny

    Do you have what it takes to hit the (honey)monkey?

  23. It's a coverup by bman08 · · Score: 4, Funny

    Somebody at MS got caught surfing porn/warez and cooked up this 'honeymonkey' nonsense to cover his dirty buttocks.

  24. New Ballmer's mantra by 50m31sl4sh. · · Score: 2, Funny

    I guess Ballmer should now be singing:

    Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey
    Virus! Virus!
    Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey
    Argh! It's a spam!

    --
    Rediculous is ridiculous!
  25. Nope by Mr.+Underbridge · · Score: 4, Funny
    I always assumed Skynet was based off of Windows XP.

    It takes a Terminator to defeat Skynet. It takes a script kiddie and a buffer overflow to defeat Windows.

  26. Re:Good idea by Skye16 · · Score: 4, Funny

    So script kiddie-ism is the next stage in my evolution?

    ...

    God I'm depressed now.

  27. Re:Hmm sounds like a great idea by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    I agree!

  28. Re:U LINUX FAGS by turgid · · Score: 2, Funny
    There's a reason your jobs are getting shipped to India!

    Dude, you're 5 years out of date. India is saturated. My job just went to Beijing in China.