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Computer Analyst Wins Best Worst Writing Contest

Posted by ryuzaki0 on from the dark-and-stormy-nights dept.

pmadden writes "Dan McKay, a friend from years ago, has won a prestigious literary award. I've enjoyed technical manuals over the years, but never like this. Who would have guessed that such great writing would come from the grad of a small technical school."

124 comments

  1. I NEVER THOUGHT by cathouse · · Score: 5, Funny

    that anyone tried to write the way I was always criticized mfor.

    --
    Thelma, I'm not making ANY deals.
    1. Re:I NEVER THOUGHT by SuperWebTech · · Score: 2, Funny

      You'll enjoy this excerpt from the 1994 winner's entry (CNET):

      As the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds, Roger stood over his victim with a smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that filled him after pumping six slugs into the bloodless tyrant that mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out of the office with one last look back at the shattered computer terminal lying there like a silicon armadillo left to rot on the information superhighway.

  2. Speaking to my wife by Rhoon · · Score: 3, Funny

    His entry, extolling a subject that has engaged poets for millennia, may have been inspired by Roxie Hart of the musical "Chicago." Complaining of her husband's ineptitude in the boudoir, Roxie laments, "Amos was . . . zero. I mean, he made love to me like he was fixing a carburetor or something."

    Nahh, he's just been speaking to my wife.

    --
    "If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door." - Paul Beatty
    1. Re:Speaking to my wife by l33t.g33k · · Score: 1

      At least you have a wife... lucky!!!

      --
      My sig is permanently on strike.
    2. Re:Speaking to my wife by VikingBerserker · · Score: 1

      Perhaps you're handling the butterfly valve improperly.

  3. Dear Dan McKay by Fastball · · Score: 4, Funny

    I am a literary agent. I recently read your novella, "Ample Bosom," and I think it is a smash! Your talent for the mammary gland-carburetor metaphor leaps off of the page! I want to represent you. Please call the number below at your earliest convenience...

  4. Dark and Stormy... by UCFFool · · Score: 2, Informative
    From TFA:
    The competition highlights literary achievements of the most dubious sort -- terrifyingly bad sentences that take their inspiration from minor writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" began, "It was a dark and stormy night."
    Ok, I get the redundancy of 'dark' and 'night', but I don't find this as horrific as comparing anatomy to car parts *Though Jay Leno may disagree*
    --
    "The more pity, that fools may not speak wisely what wise men do foolishly" - Touchstone,Shakespeare's "As You Like It"
    1. Re:Dark and Stormy... by swilde23 · · Score: 5, Informative
      I was a little confused as well. Being in the Engineering department, I don't venture over to the English side of things. However, wikipedia seems to clear things up.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Bulwer-Lytton, _1st_Baron_Lytton

      His name lives on in the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, in which contestants have to supply the openings of terrible (imaginary) novels, inspired by his novel Paul Clifford, which opens with the famous words:
      "It was a dark and stormy night"
      or to give the sentence in its full glory:
      "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
      The shorter form of the opening sentence was popularized by the Peanuts comic strip. Snoopy's sessions with the typewriter usually began with it. Entrants in the contest seek to capture the rapid changes in point of view, the florid language, and the atmosphere of the full sentence.
      --
      There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand this sig, and those that beat up people who do.
    2. Re:Dark and Stormy... by hawkeye_82 · · Score: 2, Informative

      Stolen directly from the fortune databases:

      Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:

      It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

    3. Re:Dark and Stormy... by lukewarmfusion · · Score: 2, Interesting

      Having served on the editing staff of my high school literary magazine for three years, I remember reading a good number of terribly cliched opening lines. We had several entries each year that started "It was a dark and stormy night" and ended with their own horrible writing. Once or twice the ending was a simple period, as in "It was a dark and stormy night." We discovered that many young writers believed that this line was the official start of a short story or novel.

      As a 16-year-old poet, I forced myself away from my natural tendencies to rhyme such breakthrough combinations as heart/apart, love/above, and crying/dying. Once I got into Eliot and Cummings, I mostly forgot about rhyming altogether. Can't say the same for most submissions we had...

    4. Re:Dark and Stormy... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0
      "It was a dark and stormy night."


      Ok, I get the redundancy of 'dark' and 'night'


      Do you? Depending on the position of the moon a night does not have to be dark. A stormy night however is always dark, because of the clouds obscuring the moon, unless it's a modern novel then it could default to the existance of bright street lights which must first be turned off in the mind of the city based novel reader.


      So the question is: is it still a bad sentence or did the writter just envision his novel being read in a bright future?

    5. Re:Dark and Stormy... by xPsi · · Score: 1
      You are right, the full original sentence reveals the extent of his soul-crushingly bad sentence. But the opening phrase does have issues by itself. The problem with "It was a dark and stormy night" is not just in the redundancy of "dark" and "night," as some have implied. Certainly different nights have different degrees of darkness, so describing a "night" as "dark" alone is reasonable if put in the right context (which he tries to do after starting things off so badly). But, you have to admit that, as a first phrase of the novel, just to declare matter-of-factly with two adjectives that the night was dark and stormy is pretty weak. By doing this, the author clearly wants to create a certain mysterious atmosphere but utterly fails to do so by reducing the situation to a weather report. This is the classic "telling not showing" problem in creative writing. As an opening moment of a novel, it is very limp.

      The other problem that compounds this weakness is starting the sentence with "it". As a pronoun, "it" refers to "night" so the sentence basically states "The night was a dark and stormy night" which is a tautology. Rather, just say, "The night was dark and stormy." This still suffers from the weak-ass weather report problem, but at least gets right to the point.

      --
      i\hbar\dot{\psi}=\hat{H}\psi
    6. Re:Dark and Stormy... by iggymanz · · Score: 3, Funny

      Cummings? you mean cummings.

    7. Re:Dark and Stormy... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

      you
          mean
        e
      e
          cummings
      .

    8. Re:Dark and Stormy... by EMeta · · Score: 1

      Oddly enough, a very good novel that I would imagine many slashdotters enjoyed started with the same fateful phrase: Madeline L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time. Anyone else still dream of tessering?

  5. Oh, he's talented by WickedClean · · Score: 4, Funny

    I'm sure Hollywood is calling right now. I wonder if this is where the studios recruit some of their screenwriters.

    --
    ...All I can say is that my life is pretty strange...
    1. Re:Oh, he's talented by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

      Recruit? You mean they _pay_ for that shit they call entertainment?

    2. Re:Oh, he's talented by WickedClean · · Score: 1

      Oh yeah, I bet the guy is getting offers right now to write Fast and the Furious 3. It'll be called "Triple Fast and 3 times as Furious" and he'll be working on the love story part of it.

      --
      ...All I can say is that my life is pretty strange...
    3. Re:Oh, he's talented by fbjon · · Score: 1

      It's already been made, and it's called 3 3ast 3 3urious.

      --
      True confidence comes not from realising you are as good as your peers, but that your peers are as bad as you are.
    4. Re:Oh, he's talented by Dun+Malg · · Score: 1
      I'm sure Hollywood is calling right now. I wonder if this is where the studios recruit some of their screenwriters.

      Nah, if any of these entries were expanded upon they'd probably turn into something novel and interesting. Most screenwriters get "discovered" by their uncle Charlie the Hollywood producer, and then only if they don't stray too far from a proven formula from the past. I've lived and worked in and around the periphery of the business for some twenty years and have met scores or TV and movie writers, and nearly all of them are talentless hacks who got their foot in the door via a friend or relative with connections. There are obvious exceptions, but one need only turn on the TV to see this is true.

      --
      If a job's not worth doing, it's not worth doing right.
    5. Re:Oh, he's talented by iminplaya · · Score: 1

      Nope, the White House beat them to it.

      --
      What?
    6. Re:Oh, he's talented by WickedClean · · Score: 1

      Ever heard of Troy Duffy, the guy behing The Boondock Saints? He was one of those rare cases where he came out of nowhere and got a movie deal. Too bad he turned out to be a complete idiot and ruined his chances. Sad story, really, because the guy does have creative talent. There's a documentary about it all called Overnight.

      --
      ...All I can say is that my life is pretty strange...
    7. Re:Oh, he's talented by Dun+Malg · · Score: 1
      Ever heard of Troy Duffy, the guy behing The Boondock Saints? He was one of those rare cases where he came out of nowhere and got a movie deal. Too bad he turned out to be a complete idiot and ruined his chances. Sad story, really, because the guy does have creative talent. There's a documentary about it all called Overnight.

      Excellent case in point. Contrast with JJ Abrams, who writes and produces a few thoroughly lackluster movies, disappears for a few years, then comes back and does two more movies even worse than the previouc ones, then is given a green light on a pretty weakly-plotted but decently written (in the technical sense only) TV show ("Felicity"), and follows it up with an incredibly weak but very flashy TV show ("Alias"), and then comes up with a weaker still but even flashier TV show ("Lost"). I suspect the fact that his father, Gerald Abrams, has been an active producer since the 70's had some effect on him continuing to get work. His ideas are the schlockiest of schlock, the worst kind of typical tripe the gets repeatedly pushed in our faces, and the only reason they haven't gone down in flames is because he was essentially given ten years worth of second chances and benefits of the doubt ("hey, why not? He's a good kid! I've known his father for years.") in which to develop the technical skills of writing and directing. So now we're stuck with a shallow dullard making skillfully-filmed shows full of well-crafted but insipid two-dimensional dialogue propping up scattershot, incoherent, painfully contrived plots.

      An unknown like Troy Duffy, in the same position, would have been written off after "Armageddon", "Gone Fishin'", or "Forever Young".

      --
      If a job's not worth doing, it's not worth doing right.
  6. Thats by JustOK · · Score: 5, Funny

    Computer person badly writes? Unpossible.

    --
    rewriting history since 2109
    1. Re:Thats by Mr.+Bad+Example · · Score: 1

      > Computer person badly writes? Unpossible.

      Ooh, you post make good.

    2. Re:Thats by iminplaya · · Score: 1

      Thats (Score:5, Funny)

      Yeah, I kinda thought so myself.

      --
      What?
    3. Re:Thats by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

      I thikn it was intentional.

  7. Hmmm... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 3, Funny

    And he works for Microsoft! Hello? Where've the MS bashers gone off to tonight?

    Oh, and if you scroll down the page with the other entries, you get this in the Sci-Fi category:
    Long, long ago in a galaxy far away, in General Hospital born I was, and quite happy were my parents, but when a youngling still I was, moved we did.

    D

    1. Re:Hmmm... by Pollardito · · Score: 2, Funny
      this was my favorite :
      They ask me if it was dark that night the hyenas showed up and ate the little beagle as he sat typing away on his dog house and then ate all the little round-faced kids, and I tell 'em, "no," it was not even stormy, kind of a calm, half-moon lit night where you'd sit on your deck having some peanuts, until the hyenas arrived of course and then it got so noisy you had to go in the house.

      Bill Crowley
      Santa Rosa, CA
    2. Re:Hmmm... by jayloden · · Score: 2, Funny
      And he works for Microsoft! Hello? Where've the MS bashers gone off to tonight?

      Here: "Now we know who writes all those cryptic error messages and the dialoge for clippy!" ;)
  8. Exhaust by confusion · · Score: 4, Funny

    Wonder what he would have to say about the exhaust manifold?

    jerry
    http://www.cyvin.org/

    1. Re:Exhaust by Hektor_Troy · · Score: 1

      And what about the mud flaps?

      --
      We do not live in the 21st century. We live in the 20 second century.
    2. Re:Exhaust by Inspector+Lopez · · Score: 1

      For some high brow yet low brow commentary along these lines, let me recommend "Vineland" by Thomas Pynchon; about halfway through, as I recall, during the discussion of the People's Republic of Rock and Roll: there is a tale of a young man who likes his car, rather a lot.

    3. Re:Exhaust by seanadams.com · · Score: 1

      Wonder what he would have to say about the exhaust manifold?

      As she flipped over and gracefully cclimbed to her knees, he drifted into anticipation for the new grapefruit shooter he'd ordered on the Internet for his Honda Civic. Slowly he reached under the bumper and checked the muffler - bearings were in place but there seemed to be some leakage. He topped it off with fluid and then proceeded to punch out the catalytic converter.

    4. Re: Exhaust by gidds · · Score: 1
      Probably something hole-ly inappropriate...

      --

      Ceterum censeo subscriptionem esse delendam.

  9. Can it be 'worst' if intentionally so? by guynorton · · Score: 5, Insightful

    The competition's title should be changed to 'Best parody of bad literature'.

    Most of the entries I have read are funny, and intentionally so because they are parodying bad writing. Unless their parody fails in the most abysmal way I dont see how it qualifies as bad prose. For writing to qualify as bad, terrible or 'worst' it should be unwittingly so.

    1. Re:Can it be 'worst' if intentionally so? by zkn · · Score: 1

      I see your point. The whole subjective good/bad scale ofcause rates intent rather then content, and if anyone where to read this not knowing that it was a parody and say "that's bad" they would be intirely wrong.

      You should read How I'm Is a Hello THERE!? It's terrible, but intentionally, so it's good. Ofcause it's not intentionally good, so it must be bad, or maybe I am mistaken.

  10. Breasts and Carburetor... by Comatose51 · · Score: 1

    I suppose that is one way to explain the subject of breasts to nerds...

    --
    EvilCON - Made Famous by /.
    1. Re:Breasts and Carburetor... by zkn · · Score: 1

      Not really, the average nerd spends more time studying breasts then the averege doctor, the net is filled with interesting casestudies.
      Besides that what are carburetors?

    2. Re:Breasts and Carburetor... by techno-vampire · · Score: 1

      Strictly speaking, breasts aren't carburetors, they're fuel injectors.

      --
      Good, inexpensive web hosting
  11. Disappointing by kongjie · · Score: 4, Interesting
    As an English major from way back, I have been aware of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for some time but never looked into the complete results.

    My first reaction after seeing the 2005 results pages is that if the people who run this thing want to keep it going, they might invest a little more design thought into their work. Yes, even though they only do it out of love and don't get a nickel for it.

    My second feeling is, despite the burden of reading a lot more bad prose, they should go back to a paragraph rather than a sentence. Many of the entries of note were more silly than really horrible and I think requiring the writer to write a coherent paragraph would produce better (erm, I mean worse) results.

    By the way, if you want more info on the history of the contest, go to the the Bulwer-Lytton home page .

    1. Re:Disappointing by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0
      As an English major from way back, I have been aware of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for some time but never looked into the complete results.


      English major? And you've just admitted it here?

      Hand over the geek card now.. right this minute. There's the door.

      Now do we have any other pantywaist liberal arts types in here?
    2. Re:Disappointing by SamSim · · Score: 1

      The strict limit to a single sentence is part of the challenge. There are variants with a word limit too. Personally I think just limiting yourself to two words is fun. "Captain, we've—!"

      --
      qntm.org
    3. Re:Disappointing by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0
      A friend and I have a bet. Which one fits:
      • ... after all, english majors are such webheads that they'll dis' the page content if it isn't glossed up with great design.
      • ... after all, you're opinion matters since your so much more famous than the contest.
      • ... after all, after 23 years, it's obvious they're gonna fold *tomorrow* because the web design sucks. As opposed to folding because they wasted budget and effort on web design.
      Seriously, your disappointment really isn't that crushing a blow. But thanks, anyway. And I say this as a die-hard fan and submitter since the mid-80's.

      Oh, and *duh*, many entries are silly. Despite saying otherwise, absurdly bad is the goal, not horrible.
    4. Re:Disappointing by kongjie · · Score: 1
      The second one fits, with a caveat: my opinion matters because I voiced it as my own opinion in a space designed for that.

      Pretty silly to think that fame is a prerequisite for opinions mattering.

      I didn't mean to suggest that they would "fold"; I meant to suggest that if they intend to continue, it wouldn't hurt to take a wee bit time and make the page a little more presentable.

      If it were a book and that were the layout, it would be an embarassment. It's a school--they've got hundreds of people who would be glad to donate their time to make it a little more reader-friendly. They're known as "students."

  12. Uber geek? by Jugalator · · Score: 5, Funny

    As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.

    As he read this brilliant description, in bright red letters against a background as white as the purest of snow, to make his eyes ache slightly from the strain, a creeping thought slowly approached him much like a stalker of Natalie Portman, and as the thought materialized in his head, it told him -- "wow, he thinks exactly like a Slashdotter".

    --
    Beware: In C++, your friends can see your privates!
    1. Re:Uber geek? by The+Cromulent+Chipst · · Score: 1

      Wow - as an owner of a triumph spitfire, I can attest that those dual carburettors do look like breasts. The fact that they are 'constant depression' carburettors may or may not be related to geeks lack of access to the very breasts they represent.

    2. Re:Uber geek? by Cliff.Braun · · Score: 1

      For some reason I don't see most slashdotters handling carburetors. For some reason I don't see most slashdotters handling breasts. I'm serious about the first one, the second was obligatory.

    3. Re:Uber geek? by rinkjustice · · Score: 2, Funny

      As he read this brilliant description, in bright red letters against a background as white as the purest of snow, to make his eyes ache slightly from the strain, a creeping thought slowly approached him much like a stalker of Natalie Portman, and as the thought materialized in his head, it told him -- "wow, he thinks exactly like a Slashdotter".

      He leaned back in his chair and listened to the wood groan under his shifting spine. The words on the computer screen stared at him menacingly. Could it really be the undead, unholy scrit of Stephen King, under the nickname Jugalator? King had been been reported dead at the age of 55, and Jason remembered how the Slashdot news story hit him like a beowolf cluster of right and left hooks to the midsection. And now he felt punch-drunk again. He pushed away from the basking electromagnetic glow of the computer monitor and stumbled into the kitchen. He needed to clear his mind, jarr his sences into reality (he didn't have a girlfriend to do that for him). In desperation, he poured a bowl of hot grits down his denim pants and howled in pain, but the oppressive thoughts of SCO and Natilie Portman had bore their claws deep into his consciousness. Was he doomed to writhe in insanity like an old person in Korea who used email instead of Instant Messenging?

      --
      SEO Copywriter. Just Say ON
  13. Bulwer-Lytton by adam1101 · · Score: 4, Funny
    Ah, yes, the Bulwer-Lytton contest. The challenge is to write the worst novel opening line you can think of. As most entries tend to be rather long, there is also a Lyttle Lytton contest limited to 25 word, with classics as

    In 3010, the potatoes triumphed.

    and the latest winner

    John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, "How do you like surfing?"
    1. Re:Bulwer-Lytton by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0
      In 3010, the potatoes triumphed.
      That sounds a lot like:
      In A.D. 2101, war was beginning.
    2. Re:Bulwer-Lytton by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

      From TFS, I really like this one:

      "The night resembled nothing so much as the nose of a giant Labrador in excellent health: cold, black, and wet."

      I mean, this is huge.

    3. Re:Bulwer-Lytton by XAlba · · Score: 1

      You have no chance to parboil make your chips.

      --

      All I want is to live in a world where everyone acknowledges my obvious superiority. Is that so much to ask?
    4. Re:Bulwer-Lytton by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

      Neither of those is a bad opening sentence.

      They're both merely funny.

      This contest lacks self-awareness. (<--That's a bad sentence.)

    5. Re:Bulwer-Lytton by floydman · · Score: 1

      Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating.

      WTF?????

      --
      The lunatic is in my head
  14. And speaking of bad writing ... by isolationism · · Score: 1

    Who the hell though it would be a good idea to write an entire page of text in header tags? I couldn't bear to read it, even when I scaled the font size down.

    1. Re:And speaking of bad writing ... by Beryllium+Sphere(tm) · · Score: 4, Funny

      Headers are an appropriate follow-on to carburetors...

    2. Re:And speaking of bad writing ... by WilliamSChips · · Score: 1

      That's nothing compared to Time Cube.

      --
      Please, for the good of Humanity, vote Obama.
  15. Bulwer-Lytton, quoted without attribution by Beryllium+Sphere(tm) · · Score: 2, Interesting

    "The pen is mightier than the sword" is also a Bulwer-Lytton quote. It's funny that people quote him as an example of wisdom while attaching his name to bad writing contests.

    What's even funnier is that it's so out of context as to be nearly a misquote. He wrote "Beneath the rule of men entirely great, the pen is mightier than the sword". I've never seen a better description of good government.

    1. Re:Bulwer-Lytton, quoted without attribution by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

      "The pen is mightier than the sword" is also a Bulwer-Lytton quote.

      Dude, Bulwer-Lytton ripped that off authors fall older than he... ``Calamus fortior gladio'' is ancient.

  16. Guess where he works... by Gopal.V · · Score: 1
    > I've enjoyed technical manuals over the years, but never like this.

    Considering that he works for Microsoft, that is quire scary :). Btw, he has defected to Communist China as well ... (j/k)

    --
    Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur
    1. Re:Guess where he works... by Farmer+Tim · · Score: 1

      Btw, he has defected to Communist China as well

      As if the Chinese people didn't have enough problems!

      --
      Blank until /. makes another boneheaded UI decision.
  17. Lyttle Lytton Contest by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

    I recommend the Lyttle Lytton contest. The entries there are usually funnier, IMO.

    http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html

  18. I take issue with the premise of this contest. by eataTREE · · Score: 2, Insightful

    I never think that very many of the entries really count as bad writing. Consider this year's entry: it's funny as hell! It's entertaining, which bad writing never is. Bad writing is, well, bad: boring, tedious, incoherent. Judging a truly bad writing contest would be a monumental chore. I think the B-L contest is really a "silly writing contest".

    1. Re:I take issue with the premise of this contest. by gowen · · Score: 3, Funny
      Bad writing is, well, bad: boring, tedious, incoherent.
      Yeah, but we can't have Ayn Rand winning every year.
      --
      Athletic Scholarships to universities make as much sense as academic scholarships to sports teams.
    2. Re:I take issue with the premise of this contest. by iminplaya · · Score: 1

      Judging a truly bad writing contest would be a monumental chore.

      Now you know what the moderators are so grumpy sometimes.

      --
      What?
  19. Strange Thing About Writing by Rob+Carr · · Score: 3, Insightful
    Of all the engineers and scientists and doctors that I know, all find their writing skills to be far more important than their math skills. They all wind up writing documents to get funds and report findings; most barely use calculus in their jobs and only one uses numerical methods for solving partial differential equations -- and he only uses that in his high power rocketry hobby.

    A computer programmer I know wishes he'd skipped his Fortran and Cobol classes for a technical writing class, but that might be damning by faint praise.

    --
    This sig seemed like a good idea at the time....
  20. WAIT!!!!! by Craptastic+Weasel · · Score: 1

    He works at Microsoft!!!

    Ok... regroup... you guys pull around back by the shed and grab some pitchforks....
    I'll get my torch... :)

    1. Re:WAIT!!!!! by RobK · · Score: 1

      He's not all bad, he went to New Mexico Tech so I know he's working on bringing down the evil empire from the inside.

      Go New MIT!

      Congrats Dan! Sorry about getting stuck in accounting though... Not exactly something we studied at Tech.

      Class of '86

  21. new cliches by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

    I'd describe the entries as "new cliches" even if that is an oxymoron.

  22. MOD Parent UP by FullCircle · · Score: 1

    Combining geek and gearhead humor aint easy folks.

    --
    If tyranny and oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. - James Madison
  23. Does he mean Strombergs, or SUs? by panurge · · Score: 2, Funny
    Sticking to the stuff that matters, I thought it was the SU (Skinner Union) carburetor that was found on so many British cars of that era. The SU had a remarkably boob-shaped chamber on top which was indeed capped with a nipple-like object which held the damper rod. There was a chamber inside which contained oil and was connected to a piston which went up and down according to the inlet manifold depression. I am sure the SU was one of the reasons that the VW beetle was so much more successful than small British cars of the same period. (The other reasons were the appalling quality, the underpowered engines, the high cost of spares, the rust, the inaccessibility of mechanical parts, and the whole bad karma of the entire British car industry with the exception of Morgan, which actually made a virtue out of being quirky and English.)

    Accordingly I have to point out that what makes this such bad writing is that in reality anybody faced with tuning a pair of SUs would naturally find his thoughts turning to the more attractive subject of boobs, and not vice versa.

    --
    Panurge has posted for the last time. Thanks for the positive moderations.
    1. Re:Does he mean Strombergs, or SUs? by hayfever · · Score: 2, Informative

      No, his Triumph Spitfire would have had Zenith-Stromberg carbs. In the early to mid 60's (before the formation of British Leyland) there were 2 primary auto manufactures in the UK, British Motor Corp (BMC) and Standard-Triumph. As I've heard it told BMC owned SU who made the carbs and decided to stop selling them to Standard-Triumph, who quickly came up with a design that wouldn't violate the SU patents by using a diaphragm to control piston motion and convinced Zenith/Solex to manufacture it as the Zenith-Stromberg (Stromberg was the Standard-Triumph person behind the design). In the late 60's/early 70's British Leyland was formed by the merger of BMC & Standard-Triumph but Triumphs (like his Triumph Spitfire) kept using Zenith-Stromberg carburettors. Incidently the Z-S 175CD (most common) and SU HS6 (most common) are directly interchangeable as are other models I believe.

    2. Re:Does he mean Strombergs, or SUs? by seanadams.com · · Score: 4, Informative

      Here's a pic of the SU carbs:

      http://www.vord.net/cars/mgb_mods/engine/weber500- carburetor.htm

    3. Re:Does he mean Strombergs, or SUs? by bodgit · · Score: 1

      I am sure the SU was one of the reasons that the VW beetle was so much more successful than small British cars of the same period.

      Solex 28 PCI fitted on my '55, and at least between 1952-57 according to the service manual.

    4. Re:Does he mean Strombergs, or SUs? by suwain_2 · · Score: 1

      How many of you only clicked that because it was mentioned alongside breasts?

      --
      ________________________________________________
      suwain_2 :: quality slashdot p
    5. Re:Does he mean Strombergs, or SUs? by Bush+Pig · · Score: 1

      I didn't need to. I know only too well what SU carburettors look like, having owned a Morris Minor in my youth.

      Oh, they had shitty fuel pumps on them, too - solenoid-operated and in frequent need of percussive maintenance.

      --
      What a long, strange trip it's been.
  24. Bashing IE7, of course by ThreeDayMonk · · Score: 1

    All self-respecting MS bashers are composing screeds against the mediocrity of Internet Explorer version 7, based on reviews.

    Disclaimer: mine's already written, that's why I'm here.

    --
    If your comment title says 'Re: Foo', I'm not likely to read it.
  25. I want to represent you by rk · · Score: 2, Funny

    in a transfer of overinvoiced funds from the Lagos Oil Trust Bank in Nigeria. Your discretion is appreciated.

    (Pretend the last paragraph was in all caps.)

  26. Vogon bait by GrAfFiT · · Score: 2, Funny

    I'm sure that this is a conspiracy to get the Vogons to destroy Earth by challeging them on writing skills.

  27. Dark night redundant? by EZLeeAmused · · Score: 1

    Haven't you ever been out in the woods on a bright moonlit night?

    --
    Some see the vessel as half full; others see it as half-empty; We pour it out on the floor and laugh
    1. Re:Dark night redundant? by pipacs · · Score: 1

      Have you ever been out in the woods on a bright moonlit stormy night?

    2. Re:Dark night redundant? by fbjon · · Score: 3, Interesting

      Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

      --
      True confidence comes not from realising you are as good as your peers, but that your peers are as bad as you are.
    3. Re:Dark night redundant? by EZLeeAmused · · Score: 1

      Ah, but then the redundancy is dark and stormy.

      --
      Some see the vessel as half full; others see it as half-empty; We pour it out on the floor and laugh
    4. Re:Dark night redundant? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

      How so? Storms often make the night sky look pink.

  28. It's not the concept, just the implementation by EZLeeAmused · · Score: 1

    e.e. cummings pulled off the same comparison rather nicely in his poem "She Being Brand" - he just did it with style.

    --
    Some see the vessel as half full; others see it as half-empty; We pour it out on the floor and laugh
    1. Re:It's not the concept, just the implementation by mita+bojangles · · Score: 1

      yes he did... she being Brand -new;and you know consequently a little stiff i was careful of her and(having thoroughly oiled the universal joint tested my gas felt of her radiator made sure her springs were O. K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carburetor cranked her up,slipped the clutch(and then somehow got into reverse she kicked what the hell)next minute i was back in neutral tried and again slo-wly;bare,ly nudg. ing(my lev-er Right- oh and her gears being in A 1 shape passed from low through second-in-to-high like greasedlightning)just as we turned the corner of Divinity avenue i touched the accelerator and give her the juice,good (it was the first ride and believe i we was happy to see how nice she acted right up to the last minute coming back down by the Public Gardens i slammed on the internalexpanding & externalcontracting brakes Bothatonce and brought allofher tremB -ling to a:dead. stand- ;Still) e.e. cummings

  29. fortune file by cosmol · · Score: 1

    these gems are just begging to be compiled into a fortune file.

  30. CNN wins worst grammar contest... by geneing · · Score: 1
    From the article on CNN: "McKay was is in China and could not be reached to comment"

    :)

  31. Is it just me? by Manchot · · Score: 1

    Is it just me, or does the winning sentence remind anyone else of Faulkner?

  32. Winner? by mendaliv · · Score: 2, Funny

    It's amazing that the winner wasn't "Anonymous Coward". That guy is amazing for writing particularly bad stuff!

    1. Re:Winner? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

      How dare you slanders me

  33. that's it by lubricated · · Score: 2, Funny

    We need a contest on the best worst use of mathematics and/or statistics. That way we can poke fun back at those snotty English majors. The problem is that the contest is probably oversaturated.

    --
    It has been statistically shown that helmets increase the risk of head injury.
    1. Re:that's it by pjt33 · · Score: 1

      Surely all the winners would be politicians?

    2. Re:that's it by lubricated · · Score: 1

      Though with politicians you could combine the contests.

      --
      It has been statistically shown that helmets increase the risk of head injury.
  34. Programmers as writers by elgee · · Score: 1

    My cousin teaches adult education creative writing at the University of Colorado. She gets a lot of computer programmers in her class that aspire to be science fiction writers. As a programmer, that was my dream also.

    My cousin says she has yet to have a programmer in her class that was any good at fiction.

    1. Re:Programmers as writers by MoeDrippins · · Score: 1

      > She gets a lot of computer programmers in her class that aspire to be science fiction writers.

      Given the code out in the wild, I'd say they already are, they just aren't paid as such.

      --
      Before you design for reuse, make sure to design it for use.
    2. Re:Programmers as writers by Farmer+Tim · · Score: 1

      Given the code out in the wild, I'd say they already are

      I dispute that. Show me the science in their fiction...

      --
      Blank until /. makes another boneheaded UI decision.
  35. Very J G Ballard by Peter+Cooper · · Score: 1

    It's extremely familiar to sci-fi writer, J G Ballard's novel Crash, which looks at the warped connection between automotive accidents and sexuality. That sentence reads like it could have been straight from Crash.

  36. Thank you for the clarification by panurge · · Score: 1

    Without intending a trace of humor or irony, that was a truly informative answer, and has told me something I didn't know. I once knew someone who restored a Triumph Spitfire (mind you he actually drove a Golf) and based on your info I guess someone had switched carbs at an earlier stage. Typical of British industry I guess: too busy on internal feuding to notice the enemies at the gate.

    --
    Panurge has posted for the last time. Thanks for the positive moderations.
    1. Re:Thank you for the clarification by johnny+cashed · · Score: 1

      Yes, my first thought was, SU or Stromberg? as well. As a former owner of older volvos (1969-1971 140 series) I have had to deal with both. The look very similar and are both constant velocity carburators. I got tired of dealing with them and their constant maintaince, with the dashpots needing fluid and such , and chucked them for a Weber conversion. Much better.

  37. Small Technical School... by j-joshers · · Score: 1

    NM School of Mining and Tech, back when it was just New Mexico School of Mines, was also the alma mater of Conrad Hilton, of Hilton Hotels fame. Nothing else to add to this, just that.

  38. Eddie Murphy on SNL by CowardX10 · · Score: 1


    The best parody of this was from Eddie Murphy on SNL. He played a prison inmate who wrote poetry.

    "Images" by Tyrone Green
    Dark and lonely on a summers' night
    Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord.
    The watchdog barkin'. Do he bite?
    Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord.
    Jump in the window, break his neck.
    Then his house I start to wreck.
    Got no reason.
    What the heck?
    Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord.

    C-I-L-L.... my landlord.

  39. Actually Pretty good by Cliff.Braun · · Score: 1

    The fact that these people are trying to make them bad makes some of these rather impressive. I've been going through the archives of both this one and the short lines contest, and they have an odd beauty to them. When I first read the story, on Fark, two days ago, I thought that they had come across these somewhere, not that people were trying,

  40. Explanation: by Farmer+Tim · · Score: 1

    Simple: anyone making jokes about Microsoft's employees lack of ability to write anything decent will be modded down as redundant.

    Whoops...

    --
    Blank until /. makes another boneheaded UI decision.
  41. on similar lines.. by dotpavan · · Score: 1

    there was this nice signature..

    "his writing makes people all over the world cry, shout in disbelief, emotional.. sometimes happy and sometimes brings about revolutionary changes, so WHO is this HE? He writes error messages for Windows"

  42. Post-modern badness by Hal+XP · · Score: 1
    Faulkner. Ballard. Joyce. With their unusual figures of speech, the samples have a very post-modern feel. Maybe that's what make them "bad" to stodgy and self-important professors of English. But I don't think they would fare any worse than the comparisons that Shakespeare would make had the Bard been living in the 21st century:
    She looked more lovely than a summer's day with its sudden winds and uncertain end.
    --
    I'm a sci-fi vegan: I don't want the aliens to think we have as much right to live as the fried chickens we eat.
  43. Bad sentence contest by Hal+XP · · Score: 1
    This is really nitpicking of the worst sort. I don't find this contest of much use to people who really want to know the difference between bad writing and good writing. At most, it shows us (highlights) what a bad sentence is. But, hey, only in Slashdot does anything less than a paragraph's worth of keystrokes count (mostly modded as Funny).

    Most people read by the paragraph (news reports or short stories) or by the chapter (novels). A bad sentence or three doesn't a bad novel make. (Nor does a few insightful sentences make a bad novel any better.) Truly bad writing is the inadvertent ability to mutilate the Queen's language with the impunity of a serial killer.

    --
    I'm a sci-fi vegan: I don't want the aliens to think we have as much right to live as the fried chickens we eat.
  44. NMT SUCKS COCK LOL HY! by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

    NMT is just a small community college located in the middle of the Jew Mexico desert. Nothing notable has came out of that school.

  45. Bilbo Baggins entry by Gandalf_007 · · Score: 1
    I got a kick out of the LotR parody:

    Runner-Up
    When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday, his children packed his bags and drove him to Golden Pastures retirement complex just off Interstate 95.

    Stephen Farnsworth
    Manchester, U.K.
    --

    "It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
  46. Hey I recognise that writing by syousef · · Score: 1

    This must've been the guy who wrote the dialogue for Max Payne!!!

    --
    These posts express my own personal views, not those of my employer
  47. "a friend from years ago" by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

    TRANSLATION:

    "Someone I kinda knew way back then, but wouldn't know who the hell I was if I stepped up to greet him today, but because he's sorta famous now, I gotta drop his name like I'm somebody."

  48. Actually, it already has... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 0

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0120272/