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Dvorak on Microsoft Confusing the Market

Posted by Zonk on from the funny-dvorak-article-blink-and-you'll-miss-it dept.

DigitalDame2 writes "With news of there being 7 Vista editions, PC Magazine Columnist John C. Dvorak takes a hilarious spin on the different Vistas with some recommendations of his own. How about the Vista Porn Edition? All the great porn sites would be pre-bookmarked. Gamer Case-Mod Edition? It can be ultraoptimized for games with a blinking hard-drive light. You can even go as far as the Microsoft Vista for Costco Customers: the Cheaper Edition."

50 of 456 comments (clear)

  1. Good informative link by TripMaster+Monkey · · Score: 5, Informative


    An excellent description of all the various flavors of Vista and their respective features and intended niches can be found here.

    I'm bookmarking this page...it's only a matter of time before I'll be required to know this information.

    --
    ____

    ~ |rip/\/\aster /\/\onkey

    1. Re:Good informative link by hcob$ · · Score: 5, Funny

      Gotta love the conceptual diagram:

      Vista Enterprise: "Optimized for the Enterprise"

      So.... is that NCC-1701, NCC-1701A, NCC-1701B, NCC-1701C, NCC-1701D, or NCC-1701E?

      --
      Cliff Claven
      K.E.G. Party Chairman
      Founding Leader of: Koncerned for Egalitarin Governance
    2. Re:Good informative link by still+cynical · · Score: 4, Funny

      "N-C-C-1-7-0-1. No bloody A, B, C, or D."

      --
      Ignorance is the root of all evil.
    3. Re:Good informative link by man_of_mr_e · · Score: 4, Insightful

      Hmm.. I don't know why thy don't simply offer the extra features as feature packs. Well, ok, I do know. People are much more likely to buy "the best" version of anything they buy, and a lot less likely to buy "add-ons".

      It's strange, they'll ask themselves "Why do I need that?" for an add-on, but will think "What won't I get if I buy the lower level edition?" of the main product.

      Microsoft must have a whole team of psychologists out there.

      --
      If you need web hosting, you could do worse than here
  2. Hmm by NanoGator · · Score: 5, Funny

    "How about the Vista Porn Edition?"

    Go on....

    --
    "Derp de derp."
    1. Re:Hmm by wo1verin3 · · Score: 5, Funny

      Reminds me of a tech support call from 5 years ago.

      The guy kept complaining since he visited a certain website a little animated woman was dancing on his task bar and offering him more pictures of her for $30.

      I thought about this for a moment and asked...

      "For $35 I'll help you remove her but for only $30 you can have more pictures... you're sure you want to go ahead with this?"

  3. Other Versiona by gbulmash · · Score: 4, Funny
    Perhaps they could have a Microsoft Vista "n00b" edition with a one-click link to AOL and a special "me too!" button on the keyboard.

    Then there would be the Microsoft Vista "Infect Me" edition with a special version of Outlook that automatically opens all attachments.

    Add to that the "Miriam Abacha" edition which sends all your banking info to Nigeria.

    My favorite would be the Vista "Office Gamer" edition which includes 25 variations on Solitaire.

    - Greg

    --
    Start a happiness pandemic
    1. Re:Other Versiona by kai.chan · · Score: 4, Funny

      Then there would be the Microsoft Vista "Infect Me" edition

      Dude, the "Infect Me" edition comes bundled with all other Vista editions for free!

    2. Re:Other Versiona by daniil · · Score: 5, Funny

      How about Vista Dvorak edition? It would try -- and always fail -- to predict what you want to do, and then "do" it. The only way to turn this option off would be to wipe the hard disk.

      --
      Man is a slave because freedom is difficult, whereas slavery is easy.
    3. Re:Other Versiona by $RANDOMLUSER · · Score: 4, Funny
      Well, personally, I think the Vista Dvorak Edition should look more like this, with every other clause randomly and pointlessly bolded.

      But that's just my opinion I could be wrong.

      --
      No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism. - Winston Churchill
  4. Ain't it funny? by Lispy · · Score: 5, Interesting

    After years of fragmented Windows versions they finally made the one true merged OS that they had been praising for so long. Windows 2000 was really one OS to rule them all.

    But as soon as XP came out they invented a home edition, a professional edition, delayed the server and splitted up again. Why? And now this.

    It seems it's really all about the money. Sad, in a way. Since, other than with Unix, the most exploits still work cross Windows platform. :)

    1. Re:Ain't it funny? by nb+caffeine · · Score: 5, Funny

      at least they got SOMETHING working crossplatform :)

      --

      "Something's wrong with you...and I hope we never do meet again." - Deftones When Girls Telephone Boys
    2. Re:Ain't it funny? by Scuff · · Score: 4, Insightful
      After years of fragmented Windows versions they finally made the one true merged OS that they had been praising for so long. Windows 2000 was really one OS to rule them all.


      and would that "true merged OS be windows 2000 Professional, Server, Advanced Server, or Datacenter Server?
    3. Re:Ain't it funny? by Ckwop · · Score: 3, Informative

      Ahhh.. you have to ask former microsoft employee why..

      This man needs +5 insightful tattooed on his fore-head.

      Simon

  5. More of the Same by ranton · · Score: 5, Insightful

    It doesnt seam to me that all these different versions are much different than what has been done in the past. I just helped my girlfriend buy a laptop online, and she had the choice between XP Home, Media, and Professional. And that doesnt start to cover any of the current server operating systems.

    If Microsoft is doing anything confusing with Vista, they have been doing the same thing with XP and Windows Server for years.

    --
    -- All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. -- Edmund Burke
  6. Porn Edition Already Exists by deutschemonte · · Score: 5, Funny

    Just install XP w/o service packs or a firewall.

    You'll have a computer loaded with porn (pop-ups) in no time.

    --
    The preceding message was based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
  7. Another Edition Request... by Kjuib · · Score: 4, Funny

    How about a Vaporware Edition?!

    --
    - Your stupidity got you into this mess, why can't it get you out? -Will Rogers
  8. XP by DeathFlame · · Score: 5, Insightful

    How many versions of XP are there? Aren't there already like 7 versions?

    Why does it matter how many versions there are?

    I thought having more choice was good rather than having some sort of be all end all version that takes extra time/space to install for features that most will never use.

  9. Cars by the_Bionic_lemming · · Score: 5, Insightful

    When people step into a ford dealership to buy a car - I suppose they get all confused on what all the models are.

    "So why is the f-150 bigger than that escort? Aren't they both Fords?"

    "Do they all have 4 wheels or more?"

    "Whaddya mean I get get it in diesal or Gas or Hybrid"?

    --
    _ _ _ Go for the eyes Boo! GO FOR THE EYES!
    1. Re:Cars by An+Onerous+Coward · · Score: 3, Insightful

      Well, say you started asking about the differences between cars, and the dealer said, "Well, the F150-Xtreme is basically the same as the F150-Standard, except that we take this little rubber band off the fuel intake so that you get maximum horsepower. The F150-Standard is a better deal than the F150-Minimus because the Minimus has a nine hundred pound lead weight in the bed to keep you from accelerating quickly. Now, you'll probably want to splurge and get the air conditioning. It's installed on every car on the lot, but if you don't give us $500, we poke a hole in the casing to let the freon out."

      Once again, physical items and data have completely different economics.

      --

      You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!

  10. Hmm.... by tktk · · Score: 4, Funny
    How about a Blacklist Dvorak edition? One where the OS censors any mention of him?

    I'd almost be willing to pay for that.

  11. Let's see the spin on this one... by daniil · · Score: 5, Insightful
    Let's see: Countless Linux distros = good, as it gives you the liberty to choose between many distros. But different versions* of Windows Vista = bad, as it's confusing???

    What am I not getting here?

    * How about Vista Dvorak edition, automatically spouting bullshit every few days?

    --
    Man is a slave because freedom is difficult, whereas slavery is easy.
    1. Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by squiggleslash · · Score: 4, Funny
      Well, in fairness, it's not as if it's one person coming up with all the GNU/Linux distributions. At least 30% of them are done by independent parties, such as ObscurIX, WinclonUX, M$Sux, and Slackware.

      The rest of them are maintained by Bruce Perens.

      I actually had a CD with Dvorak on it, but all it had on it was an awful, tedious, symphony. I assume it was a Mac distro requiring a non-Beige G3 or better because it was marked "New World".

      --
      You are not alone. This is not normal. None of this is normal.
    2. Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by chris462 · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I'd have to disagree with you here.

      One of Linux's biggest barriers to the consumer desktop market, IMO, is its absurd level of fragmentation. There are more than half a dozen "major" distros and an impossibly large number of "minor" distros. How the hell do you just pick one and use it?

      Then you've got nutcases like Stallman and his war on semantics and ESR and his general dumbass tendencies weighing down the entire community.

      Dvorak tends to be a bit off the wall, but he's right. MS really needs to take a(nother) note from Apple here and realize they only need one flavor of OS. There's nothing wrong with a "server" version, but consumers don't need seven different choices for a standard OS.

      There's enough trouble these days with XP Home, XP Pro, XP 64-bit, and XP Media Center. Adding more variants to the mix just sounds like suicide to me.

    3. Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by aramael · · Score: 5, Insightful
      What am I not getting here?

      I have never seen a distribution that restricts you to three simultaneously running applications. Nor a special Linux that only allows two users at a time to connect remotely.

      The differences between Linux distributions seem to be about empowering the user; the Windows ones seem to be trying to find a price point.

      --
      Be true and faithful like your dog; but don't eat vomit like your dog
    4. Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by mystik · · Score: 4, Insightful

      countless linux distro's each seem to have their own ideologies (see Suse/RedHat/Gentoo/etc, packaging)

      These Windows 'distributions' are the same ideology, but just w/ features added or removed, to force users to choose and pay for the features they think are important to them.

      --
      Why aren't you encrypting your e-mail?
    5. Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by Cyno · · Score: 3, Insightful

      Let me help you.

      How many versions of RedHat Linux are available? Counting back to day one, I'm sure we can put together a list of something like 50. But today, there are only 3 versions available for commercial support and use. Workstation, Server and Advanced Server.

      How many SuSE editions are available? Same thing.

      How many Slackware versions are available? One. Slackware just has its single distro. It updates it every year or so, but its just one distro.

      How many Debian Linux distros? Stable, unstable and developement? So like 3. Sure, they're available for every architecture they can support, but there are only 3.

      The problem people seem to have with Linux isn't the choice between distros, its understanding that Linux comes from MANY DIFFERENT BUSINESSES.

      Microsoft is one corporation. And in this case they're still behaving like a monopoly.

      What people want is for them to fix their bugs, fix their security problems, which are design, not implementation problems. Fix their incompatibility issues with not supporting open document formats by default. Fix their web standards compliance.

      They are the largest and most wealthy computer business on the planet but they can't afford to make their web browser compete with Firefox? Mozilla is a non-profit organization.

      And then this. They offer what, 3 additional choices from their code base, instead of including all the features they touted 3 years ago and all the requested features EVERYONE has been asking for.

      And then appologists like you go off and complain how Linux has millions of distros so we shouldn't pick on Microsoft's behavior.

      This has nothing to do with choice, it has to do with technical merit. If they were fixing their broken stuff or offering something of value, such as a gaming edition that costs $50 for people like me who only use their crappy software to play games, then we wouldn't bitch so loudly.

    6. Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by at_slashdot · · Score: 3, Insightful

      At least with Linux (in most cases) you don't have to pay to try a distro.

      Another difference is that all distro maintainers try to give you everything they can, while Microsoft tries to restrict you and to make you pay more for different "features" -- that's the main difference and if you don't get it I'm sorry there's no hope for you.

      --
      "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." -- Prof. Dumbledore
  12. No such thing by DogDude · · Score: 5, Insightful

    An excellent description of all the various flavors of Vista and their respective features and intended niches can be found here.

    Do you mean all of the beta versions that 3rd parties are guessing will exist, or did they actually go into the future to get this information?

    As of this point, "Vista" is still very much in early Beta. It hasn't been released to the public as a finished product, and hasn't come anywhere near being finalized, I'm sure. What's the point of punditizing something that doesn't even exist, and will probably still change substantially between it's current beta and final release? That's like critiquing next year's pop bands today.

    --
    I don't respond to AC's.
    1. Re:No such thing by Quinn_Inuit · · Score: 5, Funny
      That's like critiquing next year's pop bands today.

      Well, that's not very hard, now, is it?

      For instance, the boy band is going to be somewhat effeminate and very popular with young girls. It'll be a shame that none of them can play instruments, but their androgynous crooning will win them the hearts of many.

      The edgy female punk/pop singer, OTOH, will be a big hit with the high school goth crowd despite her questionable singing voice and constant fights with her band members, most of whom are more talented than her.

      The country music phenom of the year's hit song, "American to the bone" will be a gritty, patriotic anthem of the NASCAR dads in the country, but later albums will reveal that they only bought this one because of the picture of the singer and his supermodel wife on the cover.

      See? I've got all my snarky pop culture commentary out of the way for the whole year. Sweet!

      --

      Stop learning! Only you can prevent esoterrorism.
  13. Makes sense really... by Drasil · · Score: 4, Funny

    ..., if you are Microsoft. The world is screaming out for choice when it comes to operating systems, this is Microsoft's way of giving it to them.

  14. Surely people aren't that stupid... by LexNaturalis · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Surely people aren't so stupid as to be confused by 7 different types of Windows Vista. If someone had done a similar article about the number of Linux distros out there, would it have been posted on the front page of slashdot? Sure, Microsoft is a power-hungry greedy company convicted of monopolistic activities, but this is going a bit far.

    I hereby propose some legitimate reasons to bash Microsoft:
    1) They refuse to play nice with Open Source developers.
    2) They actively seek to destroy any competition, regardless of whether the competition is actually helping the computer community or not.
    3) They are promoting legislation that will change patent law from "first to invent" to "first to file."

    Those are all (I think) legitimate complaints against Microsoft. Calling Microsoft "nutty" for releasing 7 versions of an OS is rather stupid and petty. I have no doubt that the average person can simply read a chart that has little checks next to "features" and decide which of the 7 they want. This will actually help people, I think, because it will prevent people from getting extraneous software that might increase their risk of attack.

    People often complain about Microsoft bundling too many things in their OS and how there's a lack of flexibility, and now they complain because Microsoft is "too" flexible and might "confuse" the poor ignorant user who is incapable of choosing between 7 different forms of Vista.

    --
    Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
  15. The Dvorak Troll Edition by Skjellifetti · · Score: 3, Funny

    Hi, I'm Clippy. I see that you are trying to write a column. Would you like to troll the Linux fans?

    --
    FreeSpeech.org
  16. I want the 10% edition by sane? · · Score: 3, Interesting
    I'm sick of the MS marketing department trying to hold hostage key bits of functionality to make new versions at higher prices.

    In an age of freely available OS, and the threat that Google will pose with their eventual OS, I want the Windows 10% version - which is guaranteed to cost only 10% of the cost of the system hardware (one off fee). You get, and can use, whatever functionality you want.

    That would ensure that the Windows tax was affordable, and its simple to implement as well.

  17. Re:Dvorak? by Jeff+Hornby · · Score: 4, Informative

    Which came first - Rolling Stone Magazine, The Rolling Stones, or the song "Like a Rolling Stone". No one seems to know.

    They were all named after the song "The Rolling Stone Blues" by Muddy Waters. The order was: The Rolling Stones (1962), Like a Rolling Stone (1965) and Rolling Stone magazine (1967). (dates from Wikipedia).

    --
    Why doesn't Slashdot ever get slashdotted?
  18. Trying too hard to be funny. by fahrvergnugen · · Score: 3, Insightful

    Is it just me, or is Dvorak sub-par when compared to most of the other bloggers out there cracking wise about tech issues?

    He was so much more interesting before there was Livejournal.

    --
    Even Jesus hates listening to Creed.
  19. Ballmer (obligatory chair throwing) by putko · · Score: 5, Funny

    ZONK: They see through your market segmentation strategy. I'm quitting.

    Ballmer: Anybody but Dvorak. Just tell me it isn't fucking Dvorak who sees through my segmentation strategy.

    ZONK: Yes, it's Dvorak. He sees right through it. And he says your Kung Fu is shit.

    (chair flies through air) CRASH!

    Ballmer: Dvorak is a fucking PUSSY! I will kill Dvorak. I've killed all the other media bitches and will so fucking kill Dvorak!

    --
    http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/when_to_s tone_your_children/dt21_18a.html
  20. Bad Joke Warning by RealityMogul · · Score: 5, Funny

    If you take Dvorak's Kiddie Edition, and bundle it with the Porn Edition, do you call it the... no... wait... I just can't go through with it.

  21. Just because it is anti-MS.... by GeorgeMcBay · · Score: 3, Insightful

    Just because it is anti-Microsoft doesn't make it funny. I mean... that article just isn't funny. At all. Seriously.

  22. Windows Vista: Slashdot Edition by 8127972 · · Score: 5, Funny

    This version moderates your documents and has a Zonk process that dupes your files needlessly.

    --
    This is my opinion. To make sure you don't steal it, it's covered by the DMCA.
  23. Pricing by lspd · · Score: 4, Interesting

    With news of there being 7 Vista editions...

    There will be more than 7. This doesn't factor in the versions tailored to other nations. Microsoft is just working out the details of an effective price discrimination scheme.

  24. Uhh by MrCopilot · · Score: 5, Insightful
    Not funny Haha, funny hmmm.

    eg... Thats funny, this article wasn't even mildy amusing.

    On a side note, Now I have 9 different Windows OS, 10 Office Suites, not to buy.

    Many Linux Distros = Good
    You miss the point entirely.
    Choice is a good thing, unless the choices are Evil, Hobbled Evil, Crippled Evil, Evil for Tykes. Corporate Evil, or Mom & Pop Evil.

    --
    OSGGFG - Open Source Gamers Guide to Free Games
  25. Who's planning on migrating to Vista anyway? by xtal · · Score: 4, Interesting

    Nobody I am currently working with has any plans whatsoever to migrate to Vista; most are still in the motions of moving to XP, if they even went that far. I'm not sure what huge features Vista is supposed to offer people, but I believe Microsoft may have themselves a real problem there.

    Fragmenting it doesn't seem like a great strategy.

    --
    ..don't panic
  26. I wouldn't mind a gamer edition. by sTalking_Goat · · Score: 3, Interesting

    something stripped down, zero flash and optimized for games, it could even be CLI to actually launch the games. It's all I use XP for anyway...

    --

    My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle...

  27. Christianity is a rather broad umbrella by brokeninside · · Score: 4, Funny

    You'd have a few sub editions:

    Vista Reformed Edition: once saved, always saved.

    Vista Millenial Edition: never saves in preperation for the end times.

    Vista Catholic Edition: you need to perform your penance before you can save.

    Vista Jabez Edition: once you save, you get rich.

    Vista Eastern Orthodox Edition: you never know whether you've saved.

    Vista Watchtower Edition: you have to save all your neighbors' files before your files are saved.

  28. Windows Vista Mental Enhancement Edition by ruben.gutierrez · · Score: 3, Insightful

    Possible themes: Dyslexia - word processors jumble words instead of correcting them Tourrets - random errors and popups containing obscenities ADD - programs constantly lose/change focus

  29. God by TheSkepticalOptimist · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Will the bias and double standards against Microsoft ever stop?

    While I am no fan of MS, I get tired of the constant default criticisms aimed at MS everytime they do something.

    First, look at how many versions of XP MS was forced to implement.

    While MS started off with an ideal Home and Pro versions, then the OEM Media Center and Tablet Edition, they were forced by governments and the European Union to implement a stripped down version (N) version for both Home and Pro, as well as pretty much been forced to implement a stripped down version of XP for developing countries. This means there are 8 versions of XP around.

    Mostly this was FORCED on MS by governments and consumer backlash.

    So, MS takes the initiative to try and please ALL the special interest groups and take a pre-emptive stike against future government hassles by offering a range of products that MS are ALREADY FORCED to impelement in XP. The difference is the MS is doing this WILLINGLY!

    Also, confusing the market? Every try and pick out a Linux distro? 30+ versions, multiple GUI interfaces, which Kernel to run, 2.4 or 2.6 and which subversion is stable or powerful. Countless number of GNU shareware plauging Linux with cryptic names starting with G? If MS is confusing end users, then what hope does Linux ever have of becoming a mainstream OS.

    If anyone will shine above all this will be Apple. With there limited choice in hardware and 2 flavours of OSX (Server and Not Server), if anyone is confused by MS and Linux, then they will flock to the Apple platform.

    Hey, I think it is dumb that there needs to be 7 versions of an OS, but the EU and consumers pretty much brought this on themselves with all the countless numbers of lawsuits and government pressure. Microsoft is just giving you what you want!

    --
    I haven't thought of anything clever to put here, but then again most of you haven't either.
  30. Re:Good informative link + Karma Whore by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 3, Informative

    Of course you neglected to tell us this is your site, and you post this link for EVERY windows story.

    Such is the life of a Karma Whore

  31. Re:So what we have so far? by Pharmboy · · Score: 3, Funny

    You forgot MS Linux Edition, the one they will fail to distribute properly, so they can say they tried, but people weren't interested in Linux (apologies to Dvorak)

    How about: Windows Vista Home Automation Edition

    It would come with the X-10 controller software and two X10 modules, so you can build "The Home of the Future" in true Microsoft fashion, using 25 year old technology.

    Or you could use what I use, and run Heyu and Bluelava on Apache and Linux (or BSD), I suppose.

    Also, NEVER try upgrading your Windows Vista Kiddie Edition with Windows Vista Porn Edition. To say there are conflicts is an understatement.

    --
    Tequila: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
  32. Re:So what we have so far? by MisterSquid · · Score: 3, Funny

    Also, NEVER try upgrading your Windows Vista Kiddie Edition with Windows Vista Porn Edition. To say there are conflicts is an understatement.

    My understanding was that the Vista Porn Edition has as its direct consequence the Vista Kiddie Edition.

    --
    blog