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How Zombies Work
Tsaroth writes "Just in time for everyone's Halloween fantasy, a horde of undead minions to collect candy for you; HowStuffWorks.com has just put up a new article about How Zombies Work. From Haitian zombies, to Dawn of the Dead it's more fun with corpses than you've ever had, hopefully." Ewww. From the article: "It happens in just about every zombie movie -- a throng of reanimated corpses lumbers toward the farmhouse, shopping mall, pub or army base where the heroes have barricaded themselves. The zombies aren't dead, but they should be. They're relentless and oblivious to pain, and they continue to attack even after losing limbs. Usually, anyone the zombies kill returns as a zombie, so they quickly evolve from a nuisance to a plague."
Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a "long-term, even fun" refuge from zombies.
Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA's information "hopelessly outdated."
"Dr. Aurora's claims are based on decades-old zombie models," Baptiste said. "Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human."
Added Baptiste: "That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is."
Carousel is a lie!
Next up: how elves, fairies, and eskimos work!
Got these guys on speed dial (just in case...)
I always thought it started when you hadn't properly disabled the DCOM service!
"I'm going to f***ing bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to f***ing kill Google"
http://www.sothisisacomic.com/Zombie/zomb3.html has an implementation of a zombie invasion simmulation and shows infection progessing through a city and the efforts of the military as well. An excellent resource for those seeking to better understand zombies.
Lasers Controlled Games!
My wife seems like a zombie in bed sometimes. How can I get her to watch more porn?
And All I Ask is a Tall Ship And a Star to Steer Her By
Everywhere i go i make sure that if a Zombie busts in i am ready.
1) Look for exits and ways to block them.
2) make sure that there is aways blunt objects or shot guns
3) if there is a shot gun, and there is less that 10 shells. Give the gun to the weakest member of the party. They are goign to die frist, and there is little a gun with that few shots is going to do
4) what zombie moves everychance you get. Take notes on what goes right and what goes wrong.
Mikey
I've always been the kinda guy to fall for the girl dressed like an eskimo.
Position yourself above the ground floor of a structure, then promptly demolish stairs leading to said floor. This technique will thwart both classic Romero style oaf-zombie, as well as the current new fangled fast and flighty zombie.
If I'd wanted to know how Zombies worked, I'd examine the logs of one of my many 0wned windows boxes over the net some time.
Oh, you mean real zombies!
"Nine times out of ten, starting a fire is not the best way to solve the problem." - my wife
As George Romero showed in Dawn of the Dead zombies are dead ... but they keep coming back to life. Kinda like the inflateable Frankenstein that web surfers keep trying to kill.
Killing a zombie with a severe blow to the head is too much work. My preferred way is with kill -9 pid.
Unless, of course, they are vegetarian zombies. I have lots of grains to spare.
Be relentless!
Just beware of the zombies that chant:
scroootum
scoooootuuuum
SCROTUM
They can have my brains if they leave the family jewels alone
We prefer the term living impaired, Thank You very much.
*ahem*
I almost forgot.
BRRRRaaaainnnzzz!!!
This... is my BOOMSTICK!!!!
I've noticed in recent years that a lot of people I meet secretly harbor very intense apocalyptic fantasies.
Not the "Oh wow, Threads was some crazy shit, imagine that happening" or some religiously motivated desire to bring about a biblical event, but a genuine sense of "Go on, fuck it, let the zombies rise, let the plagues spread and if I'm lucky I can ride it out."
When the fake news reports appeared regarding a disease in Cambodia that briefly animated the dead, the most common first reaction I encountered by those who believed it to be from a reputable source was "Fuck YES". For a moment, I was aghast, and then I realized part of me was whispering the same thing.
While on the subjuct: The Zombie Anti-Defamation League has their own take on the nature of being a Zombie. Most of it is very funny. The sections on Flesh Eating Virus (such as, "doing ministry work"), Practical Zombriety, General Faq ("4. Are Zombies dangerous? - No, no, no, no, no! Well, maybe. If vexed. Are the living dangerous? ...), Zombie Spirituality, and Brain Eating ( "...Yes Zombies eat Brains, but only on certain holidays or under special circumstances. This practice's origin is twofold: Practicality and the teachings of Zombie Jesus....") are worth reading.
The man page states the following:
" Our mission is to act as a consciousness raising guide to counter the lies, misrepresentations, exploitation of Zombies by the Vitalist Machine of Propaganda that is Hollywood and "Popular Culture" in the world.
Too long have our Zombie Sisters and Brothers been represented as mindless aggressive flesh eaters, bent only on the destruction of the Living. The Truth, as is so often the case, is very different.
Please take time to explore our site and learn the Truth about Zombies. Here, the true causes and conditions of Zombiedom will be explained and the lies will be show for what they are.
Rise and Fight the Vitalist Hate Machine!"
I was expecting an article describing how home PCs are attacked and turned into remotely controlled spambots.
My rights don't need management.
I'm currently fighting off a zombie attack, so I don't have time to RTFA.
Could someone please summarize the part about how to kill them?
Also, how do you treat a zombie-bite wound? Band-aids, some neosporin? This one on my ankle hurts like a bitch, and it's starting to go kinda numb around it.
K thx bye.
Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie...
what do we want?
brains!
when do we want it?
brains!
Nothing taught me more about the Zombie Survival Guide. It is a great book, humorous in its subdued delivery and content. Great stuff!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
-- The Doctor, "Doctor
For the few of the who actually RTFA I would suggest taking extreme care. The article makes many false statements about the undead hoards and may lead some into the false idea that they were prepared for a zombie outbreak. For the record, a Zombie is a corpse which has been infected with the virus Solanum. The bites are infact 100% contagous. The rough time from a bite to full transformation is 15 hours, although this varies based on how close to a major vein or artery the bite occured. The bite leads to apparent death, followed by rising no more than 2 minutes after initial death. .22 caliber bullets are often rarely effective for fighting zombies as they lack the power to penetrate a skull from a distance. Air rifles are useless. Shotguns are often ineffective as they spread the blast over a large area. If you find yourself in the midsts of a zombie outbreak also be sure to avoid fully automatic weapons. It only takes 1 bullet to the brain to stop a zombie, and a fully automatic weapon can encourage the wasting of bullets. The sound will also have a tendancy to draw the undead from the surrounding areas. Often times a blade such as a sholin spade or a sword can be highly effective. A blade never needs to be reloaded.
A zombie can only be stopped by destroying the brain. This is usuallly accomplished through the use of a bullet. Fire can effectively destroy the brain- however be aware that setting a zombie on fire is not a sure thing, often times the fire will go out before destroying the brain, and in the mean time the flaming zombies will catch fire to the surrounding areas.
A few more tips should a zombie outbreak occur:
Always be prepared, stay in good physical condition and keep a supply of food, water, medical supplys and weapons on hand.
In a zombie outbreak other humans may be as or more dangerous than the undead.
Should people start evacuation you would be better off to wait until the roads have had a chance to clear if you are going to be using a vehicle, however using an automobile is often a poor way to travel when a zombie outbreak occurs as you will likely find streets block and lacker manuverability. Dirt bikes can be useful in helping you speed away off road but the sound can draw in zombies and they require gas. Your best option is a bicycle.
For more information read The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks(Link is not a referer link).
Famous Last Words: "hmm...wikipedia says it's edible"
Whats a vegetarian zombie say?
;)
GRRAAAAIINNNSS
There was just an article on how MicroSoft fights Zombies. Oh, wait.
More proof that zombies are flaming homosexuals.....
Oh, wait... wrong meeting.
google.slashdot
Do a search on Clairvius Narcisse. Still not conclusive proof for the zombie drug, but the facts are: the man was supposed to be dead and buried when he turned up 18 years later. It took him months to recover from near-catatonia and he claimed to ahve sold as a zombie slave. He was afraid to go home for some time after that because he believed his brother was involved in what happened to him. After his brother died, he finally re-united with the family who thought he's been dead for 20 years.
The story of Clairvius Narcisse
Wikipedia entry
Passage of Darkness
Perfect subject to research for Halloween, huh?
I dream of a better world... one in which chickens can cross roads without their motives being questioned.
http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink624.html
The Daily Texan (with gross photographs) reports on Thursday outside the Frank Erwin Center, a horde of zombies attacked the "American Idol" auditions. No one was hurt.
The zombies, 15 fake-bloodied actors in all, lurched out from under the IH-35 overpass and shuffled toward the Erwin Center, where they encountered the pop-star hopefuls.
Most of the 100 or so young people gathered outside had just been rejected by the "American Idol" review board, and they were talking, singing and waiting for rides home when the zombies arrived. "Braaaaaaains!" the zombies said. Nick Muntean, a UT radio-television-film graduate student who organized and participated in the zombie horde, added, "Television rots your braaaaaaains!" The pop-star wannabes were largely unimpressed.
Seen on Blue's News. I wonder if there are video clips of this!
Ant(Dude) @ Quality Foraged Links (AQFL.net) & The Ant Farm (antfarm.ma.cx / antfarm.home.dhs.org).
without a fork()?
..don't panic
I'm currently fighting off a zombie attack, so I don't have time to RTFA.
Could someone please summarize the part about how to kill them?
Help desk to the rescue!
(Whips out user guide)
Congratulations! Your new Zombieplex 666 unit by Hell is durable and designed to work out of the box. Your new Zombieplex 666 does not need a power supply, as it remains in an always on state. Removing peripherals will not affect system operation. To deactivate the Zombieplex, simply smash the central processing unit. In the event of system error please call the HELL tech support hotline at (1-800-GET-SOME).
Also, how do you treat a zombie-bite wound? Band-aids, some neosporin? This one on my ankle hurts like a bitch, and it's starting to go kinda numb around it.
Corruption of system files is imminent, Followed by the Green Screen of Death. Sorry dude you'll need to reboot....
Service guarantees Citizenship! Questions Guarantee GITMO.... Amerika Uber Alles!
Stupid necrophobe. I bet you'd vote for a repeal of the No More Room In Hell Act too, wouldn't you? I think you should really meet some zombies before you judge them - they're quite the culturally diverse group of shuffling undead.
I will pull over this spaceship right now!
"#1 Don't panic."
In big, friendly letters, that is. This indeed had to be in the first place.
"#2 Get away from the zombies. Most of the time, you can move faster than they can."
Of course. duh.
"#3 Gather food, water, an emergency radio, flashlights and weapons,
and retreat to a secure location."
Possibly the best way to deal with zombies. Also, note zombies seem more common in the U.S. then elsewhere. Not all of Europe is safe; you don't want to replace zombies with vampires. the UK is known to host a strain of virus which will make people agressive in seconds; some vampires moved to F rance. Avoid eastern Europe. Sweden, Denmark and Ireland are safe. Holland has no recorded zombies or vampires, but is densely populated, which makes it a risk and thus should be avoided.
"#4 If possible, retreat to a shopping mall, general retail store or other location where you'll have easy access to food and supplies."
No, no, no. Do NOT retreat to a shopping mall. Haven't these people watched the movies? A shopping mall looks like a good idea but it will be surrounded by the zombies and eventually you'll have to get out of there, at which time it's too late. See #7.
"#5 Stay away from heavily populated areas, where the infestation is likely to be heaviest."
Fair enough. See #3.
"#6 Barricade all entrances and stay put at all costs."
No, this does not work. The zombies will stay around longer than you can. See #4.
"#7 Don't get surrounded or backed into a corner or other enclosed space."
As is obvious, the importance of this is often overlooked. Do not retreat in a house, shopping center or other closed space, with the possible exception of vehicles that are in condition to drive. Cars are documented as the most successful way to get away from zombies.
"#8 Remember that anyone bitten or killed by a zombie will become a threat to you and your party."
Blow their brains out. I mean, with a gun, that is. If no gun is available, decapitation will work.
"#9 Wait patiently for rescue and make long-term preparations for your survival."
No. You need to stay on the move. See #7.
That said, this assumes zombies have no feelings and that it is a horrible state to be in. It is not proven, hoewever, that being a zombie isn't actually 'the next level' and such a wonderful experience that they absolutely positively must share it. Why else would they go through all the trouble? Will someone please think of those poor zombies?
Visit http://ringbreak.dnd.utwente.nl/~mrjb/growingbettersoftware to download your free copy of the book
I think they will continue to move, even as they become skeletal. Even the new remake... they suffered unbelievable damage, and kept moving. For instance, blood loss so profound, that the heart itself can't be beating. That means no oxygen is necessary for cell metabolism, nor are any nutrients. Where ever they're getting energy from... there appears to be no reason why it couldn't continue well into stages of decomp that are downright absurd.
Without having a zombie in a proper lab, it's impossible to say, but I'd expect that there are alot more calories being used than can be accounted for by either the hapless victims they ingest (if they're even being digested) or their own tissue being consumed.
I'd like to say that at some point decomp would be so bad as to render them "dead", or even at least "ineffective" (something born out in the remake with the animated face/head found in the cooler... so there may be some hope), but it's not entirely inconcievable that even a bleached white skeleton with some sinew tissue and nothing else could continue to hobble around. You can't be certain that there's not some supernatural force acting on the joints moving them, and it's not really clear how their own muscles could be the cause of motion.
That the process can fail (leaving twitchers) offers some hope that even if supernatural, that there are at least rules, that it may be understandable to a deeper level than any of the characters of the movie manage. That they can be disabled (killed?) with severe brain trauma is even more interesting, but fails to prove that this is a natural organic phenomenon. There are quite a few mystical beliefs regarding the organ, not the least of which that it is the seat of the human soul... which is either missing in these zombies, or some manner of cancerous that's quite disturbing to contemplate. If the soul leaves when we die, and absence of a soul makes you a corpse, do they have souls? Are they partial souls? If so, how can a partial soul animate a body that a complete soul has to exit? Are they malfunctioning souls that refuse to exit a non-working body? Are they even the original souls, or is it some sort of possession by a demon? If so, why are they so shallow? Are these the equivalent of demon bacteria, incapable of intelligence or consciousness? How does this account for the infectious nature? Linda Blair tossed the guy out of a window, but he doesn't stand back up with his smashed head and start snarling, he's just gone.
Perhaps this is why the non-cheesy movies always avoided trying to explain it.
Some months ago, there was a great guide on Kuro5hin: How to Survive a Zombie Attack. Certainly worth a read.