How Zombies Work

Tsaroth writes "Just in time for everyone's Halloween fantasy, a horde of undead minions to collect candy for you; HowStuffWorks.com has just put up a new article about How Zombies Work. From Haitian zombies, to Dawn of the Dead it's more fun with corpses than you've ever had, hopefully." Ewww. From the article: "It happens in just about every zombie movie -- a throng of reanimated corpses lumbers toward the farmhouse, shopping mall, pub or army base where the heroes have barricaded themselves. The zombies aren't dead, but they should be. They're relentless and oblivious to pain, and they continue to attack even after losing limbs. Usually, anyone the zombies kill returns as a zombie, so they quickly evolve from a nuisance to a plague."

Comments

This is no joking matter, people!

[Saint Aardvark]

A recent report shows that Philadelphia is completely unprepared for a full-scale Zombie attack! From TFA:

Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Dr. Sheena Aurora downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aurora advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large shopping mall can serve as a "long-term, even fun" refuge from zombies.

Such assertions alarm zombiologist Olivier Baptiste, who calls FUMA's information "hopelessly outdated."

"Dr. Aurora's claims are based on decades-old zombie models," Baptiste said. "Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human."

Added Baptiste: "That FUMA trains its field agents to shoot zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the government is."

/me scurries to secured basement...

Howstuffworks.

[Anonymous Coward]

Next up: how elves, fairies, and eskimos work!

Zombies!

[Trikenstein]

Got these guys on speed dial (just in case...)

Zombie Simmulator

[John Harrison]

http://www.sothisisacomic.com/Zombie/zomb3.html has an implementation of a zombie invasion simmulation and shows infection progessing through a city and the efforts of the military as well. An excellent resource for those seeking to better understand zombies.

Re:Zombie Simmulator

[Quinn_Inuit]

That's based on something by Kevan, who also did the Zombie-based MMORPG Urban Dead.

My Wifes a zombie

[Alex P Keaton in da]

My wife seems like a zombie in bed sometimes. How can I get her to watch more porn?

Re:My Wifes a zombie

[zoloto]

porn, ala visual cues won't work on women as effectively as it does for men. men are turned on with visual cues, women are more auditory/emotional.

Try talking to her.

Safty

[thesupermikey]

Everywhere i go i make sure that if a Zombie busts in i am ready.

1) Look for exits and ways to block them.
2) make sure that there is aways blunt objects or shot guns
3) if there is a shot gun, and there is less that 10 shells. Give the gun to the weakest member of the party. They are goign to die frist, and there is little a gun with that few shots is going to do
4) what zombie moves everychance you get. Take notes on what goes right and what goes wrong.

Fool Proof Zombie Survival Plan

[fadeaway]

Position yourself above the ground floor of a structure, then promptly demolish stairs leading to said floor. This technique will thwart both classic Romero style oaf-zombie, as well as the current new fangled fast and flighty zombie.

Re:Fool Proof Zombie Survival Plan

[kakos]

Or if you're so fortune to go up against Dalek zombies, you don't even have to demolish the stairs.

Re:Fool Proof Zombie Survival Plan

[Darkman, Walkin Dude]

Actually I whiled away an hour or two devising a zombie combat kit there last month. Basically you need to protect yourself from bites, mob attacks, and not much else, and destroy the brain. Assuming a near infinite number of zombies, high tech solutions will usually fail, meaning ammo runs out and equipment jams.

The best weapons to defeat zombies in close combat would be punch knives of some kind (similar to these, but with the guard across the front or even a full hand fencing guard) although the jury is out as to whether one or two straight spikes for penetration and ease of withdrawal would be better than a maximum damage broad bladed knife, with guaranteed brain destruction.

The method of use for these blades would be straight punches, head or eye height, in and out. A single person could take out a zombie a second with a couple of these. I might also recommend an oil soaked sheath to keep it lubricated. Speaking of oil, mobility is a factor, so some sort of loose link mail of ceramic or other light material would be good. This could then be oiled up to provide less traction for the zombies' gripping hands. What we're really talking about here is human bites, so even stff leather could do the job fairly well.

Full face coverage would be important, and a locking mechanism under the jaw to prevent the zombies ripping off the helmet, with high shoulder neck guards to prevent them gripping under the neck.

Its very hard to completely destroy a brain inside a skull at any range without guns or crossbows of some sort, so instead I would advise letting the zombies come to you. Rig up a corridor with a hinged floor going to a quicklime pit or even a sheer Y drop, to trap the undead in the pit, then bait them in straight and close the door behind them. Both of these can be done manually and with very limited technical ability. Once trapped, either pour in more quicklime or spear the trapped zombies with a spike. Once completed, rinse and repeat, either disposing of the corpses over the wall or by cremation. At a rate of a thousand zombies a day, you can clear out a city of a half million undead in just over a year.

For forays and travelling, groups would of course be advisable, trained in back to back or three corner fighting methods, to prevent individuals being surrounded. For larger scale incursions, Roman legion tactics would be best, shields and short blades or punch knives.

Zombies?

[Trogre]

If I'd wanted to know how Zombies worked, I'd examine the logs of one of my many 0wned windows boxes over the net some time.

Oh, you mean real zombies!

Zombies ARE Dead

[Hulkster]

As George Romero showed in Dawn of the Dead zombies are dead ... but they keep coming back to life. Kinda like the inflateable Frankenstein that web surfers keep trying to kill.

Re:May I be the first to say...

[j_kenpo]

Just beware of the zombies that chant:

scroootum

scoooootuuuum

SCROTUM

They can have my brains if they leave the family jewels alone

Not undead

[zuvembi]

We prefer the term living impaired, Thank You very much.

*ahem*

I almost forgot.

BRRRRaaaainnnzzz!!!

Re:Not undead

[Coneasfast]

BRRRRaaaainnnzzz!!!

dude! you're totally in the wrong place! go look elsewhere.

May I be the first to answer...

[Spy der Mann]

This... is my BOOMSTICK!!!!

Re:May I be the first to answer...

[squidfood]

TFA sucked. It had a "shop or compare prices" section at the end and you couldn't buy a zombie. Just a bunch of freakin' movies.

The urge to see it all washed away

[Y-Crate]

I've noticed in recent years that a lot of people I meet secretly harbor very intense apocalyptic fantasies.

Not the "Oh wow, Threads was some crazy shit, imagine that happening" or some religiously motivated desire to bring about a biblical event, but a genuine sense of "Go on, fuck it, let the zombies rise, let the plagues spread and if I'm lucky I can ride it out."

When the fake news reports appeared regarding a disease in Cambodia that briefly animated the dead, the most common first reaction I encountered by those who believed it to be from a reputable source was "Fuck YES". For a moment, I was aghast, and then I realized part of me was whispering the same thing.

Re:The urge to see it all washed away

[Hogwash McFly]

I think the attraction with Zombie invasion scenarios lies in the fact that Zombies are pretty easy to defeat and not all that terrifying, yet scary enough to get that adrenaline (and the shotgun) pumping. The people that wish for a zombie invasion would likely balk at the idea of Gigeresque aliens or more sinister enemies to defeat. Furthermore, as zombies are undead, there's no guilt involved in destroying them. Infact, because they once used to be your friendly neighbour or bus driver, you're more spurned on to 'set them free' by taking a switchblade to their neck.

If I may go all Tyler Durden on you for a second, I also believe that there are elements of the daily drudgery come into play when people have these fantasies. It's becoming increasingly difficult for us to die, ergo surviving is less of an effort. The instincts of ours that deal with fighting off tigers or getting a fire going so we don't freeze to death lie there helplessly and impotent, and we only experience that half-insane fear, half-fucking orgasmic jolt when we are held at knife-point or similar situations. We're in a comfortable rut of daily life where day-to-day challenges consist mostly of choosing what's for dinner or what Valentine's card to buy our wives. A zombie invasion changes all the rules, flips everything upside down. Suddenly there's a reason for being, suddenly a reason for continuing to exist. Fuck differences in religion, politics and sexuality, we're united in the common cause for stopping these bastards from eating us off the face of the Earth. And when we have finally blasted that last flesh eating motherfucker into a billion pieces, buried our dead and rebuilt our shopping malls, our breakfast will taste better than any other breakfast...

It's also likely that some of the motivation behind such fantasies is rooted in a 'purging' of a percentage of humanity, in the same way that a good war or disease bails some water from the boat of Mother Nature. If you take into account that you have to be quite dumb (or really unlucky) to be killed from a weak, shuffling zombie, then it's hard to deny that some people would wish for this as a Darwinistic chlorination of the gene pool.

Finally, I believe it also plays off of those fantasies that I'm sure everyone has had at some time, where everyone disappears from the face of the Earth, leaving you and perhaps a few friends to go anywhere you want, taking any car you fancy etc - an excuse for total freedom and perhaps anarchy.

I have to admit that, personally, half of me would like to see a Shaun Of The Dead-style zombie apocalypse. The idea of teaming up with my mates and driving to somewhere we can hole ourselves up and fend off some moronic undead with a chainsaw or cricket bat (no gunshops or easily discoverable stashes of firearms over here in Britain) does tickle my fancy somewhat...

Don't Forget: The Zombie Anti-Defamation League

[xeoron]

While on the subjuct: The Zombie Anti-Defamation League has their own take on the nature of being a Zombie. Most of it is very funny. The sections on Flesh Eating Virus (such as, "doing ministry work"), Practical Zombriety, General Faq ("4. Are Zombies dangerous? - No, no, no, no, no! Well, maybe. If vexed. Are the living dangerous? ...), Zombie Spirituality, and Brain Eating ( "...Yes Zombies eat Brains, but only on certain holidays or under special circumstances. This practice's origin is twofold: Practicality and the teachings of Zombie Jesus....") are worth reading.

The man page states the following:
" Our mission is to act as a consciousness raising guide to counter the lies, misrepresentations, exploitation of Zombies by the Vitalist Machine of Propaganda that is Hollywood and "Popular Culture" in the world.

Too long have our Zombie Sisters and Brothers been represented as mindless aggressive flesh eaters, bent only on the destruction of the Living. The Truth, as is so often the case, is very different.

Please take time to explore our site and learn the Truth about Zombies. Here, the true causes and conditions of Zombiedom will be explained and the lies will be show for what they are.

Rise and Fight the Vitalist Hate Machine!"

Not what I expected

[earthforce_1]

I was expecting an article describing how home PCs are attacked and turned into remotely controlled spambots.

Need help.

[Fallingcow]

I'm currently fighting off a zombie attack, so I don't have time to RTFA.

Could someone please summarize the part about how to kill them?

Also, how do you treat a zombie-bite wound? Band-aids, some neosporin? This one on my ankle hurts like a bitch, and it's starting to go kinda numb around it.

K thx bye.

what do we want?

[philo_enyce]

what do we want?
brains!
when do we want it?
brains!

Zombie Survival Guide

[flogger]

Nothing taught me more about the Zombie Survival Guide. It is a great book, humorous in its subdued delivery and content. Great stuff!

Be Careful!

[miyako]

For the few of the who actually RTFA I would suggest taking extreme care. The article makes many false statements about the undead hoards and may lead some into the false idea that they were prepared for a zombie outbreak. For the record, a Zombie is a corpse which has been infected with the virus Solanum. The bites are infact 100% contagous. The rough time from a bite to full transformation is 15 hours, although this varies based on how close to a major vein or artery the bite occured. The bite leads to apparent death, followed by rising no more than 2 minutes after initial death.
A zombie can only be stopped by destroying the brain. This is usuallly accomplished through the use of a bullet. Fire can effectively destroy the brain- however be aware that setting a zombie on fire is not a sure thing, often times the fire will go out before destroying the brain, and in the mean time the flaming zombies will catch fire to the surrounding areas. .22 caliber bullets are often rarely effective for fighting zombies as they lack the power to penetrate a skull from a distance. Air rifles are useless. Shotguns are often ineffective as they spread the blast over a large area. If you find yourself in the midsts of a zombie outbreak also be sure to avoid fully automatic weapons. It only takes 1 bullet to the brain to stop a zombie, and a fully automatic weapon can encourage the wasting of bullets. The sound will also have a tendancy to draw the undead from the surrounding areas. Often times a blade such as a sholin spade or a sword can be highly effective. A blade never needs to be reloaded.
A few more tips should a zombie outbreak occur:
Always be prepared, stay in good physical condition and keep a supply of food, water, medical supplys and weapons on hand.
In a zombie outbreak other humans may be as or more dangerous than the undead.
Should people start evacuation you would be better off to wait until the roads have had a chance to clear if you are going to be using a vehicle, however using an automobile is often a poor way to travel when a zombie outbreak occurs as you will likely find streets block and lacker manuverability. Dirt bikes can be useful in helping you speed away off road but the sound can draw in zombies and they require gas. Your best option is a bicycle.
For more information read The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks(Link is not a referer link).

joke....

[zeroclash]

Whats a vegetarian zombie say?

GRRAAAAIINNNSS ;)

Re:May I be the first to say...

[Kickboy12]

More proof that zombies are flaming homosexuals.....

Oh, wait... wrong meeting.

Re:Zombies in Reality

[Mistshadow2k4]

Do a search on Clairvius Narcisse. Still not conclusive proof for the zombie drug, but the facts are: the man was supposed to be dead and buried when he turned up 18 years later. It took him months to recover from near-catatonia and he claimed to ahve sold as a zombie slave. He was afraid to go home for some time after that because he believed his brother was involved in what happened to him. After his brother died, he finally re-united with the family who thought he's been dead for 20 years.

The story of Clairvius Narcisse
Wikipedia entry
Passage of Darkness

Perfect subject to research for Halloween, huh?

Re:I thought...

[saskboy]

Tell me about it. I forgot, and next thing I knew there was this undead guy trying to sell me a larger penis.

Too late! Already attacked American Idol!

[antdude]

The Daily Texan (with gross photographs) reports on Thursday outside the Frank Erwin Center, a horde of zombies attacked the "American Idol" auditions. No one was hurt.

The zombies, 15 fake-bloodied actors in all, lurched out from under the IH-35 overpass and shuffled toward the Erwin Center, where they encountered the pop-star hopefuls.

Most of the 100 or so young people gathered outside had just been rejected by the "American Idol" review board, and they were talking, singing and waiting for rides home when the zombies arrived. "Braaaaaaains!" the zombies said. Nick Muntean, a UT radio-television-film graduate student who organized and participated in the zombie horde, added, "Television rots your braaaaaaains!" The pop-star wannabes were largely unimpressed.

Seen on Blue's News. I wonder if there are video clips of this!

Re:May I be the first to say...

[Rei]

Stupid necrophobe. I bet you'd vote for a repeal of the No More Room In Hell Act too, wouldn't you? I think you should really meet some zombies before you judge them - they're quite the culturally diverse group of shuffling undead.