Evidence of Historical Zombie Attack at Hierakonpolis

sertsa writes "A tongue-in-cheek article just published by the Archaeological Institute of America hypothesizes that the formation of ancient Egypt is linked to recurrent Predynastic zombie attacks due to outbreaks of Solanum virus. 'From the very beginning of Predynastic research, Sir W.M. Flinders Petrie reported several headless, but seemingly intact, burials during his famous excavations at Naqada in 1895. Further excavations at Gerzeh and other sites revealed more of these curious burials, but no satisfactory explanation could be proposed at the time. More recently, excavations in the non-elite cemetery at Hierakonpolis (HK43), undertaken from 1996 to 2004, have uncovered more of these strange headless burials in addition to 21 individuals whose cervical vertebrae bear cut marks indicative of complete decapitation. The individuals include men and women ranging in age from 16 to 65. The number and the standard position of the cut marks (usually on the second-fourth cervical vertebrae; always from the front) indicate an effort far greater than that needed simply to cause the death of a normal (uninfected) person. The standard position also indicates these are not injuries sustained during normal warfare.'"

Comments

Everyone knows it was not zombie attacks

[WillAffleckUW]

The problem is that the scientist incorrectly classified these as zombie attacks.

Everyone with an ounce of scientific training can tell that these were actually attacks by ninja pirates, and that the vampire zombies were defending the inhabitants.

Re:Everyone knows it was not zombie attacks

[stonedcat]

He's dead. We need to zombize him for future releases of lame movies before he decomposes further.

Re:Everyone knows it was not zombie attacks

[Anonymous Coward]

Everyone with an ounce of scientific training can tell that these were actually attacks by ninja pirates, and that the vampire zombies were defending the inhabitants. "Ninja pirates" is an oxymoron. Ninjas and pirates mix like oil and water. Pirates are holy creatures. Ninjas are devil spawn. Pirates like water (except for bathing). Ninjas are landlubbers. Pirates say 'arr matey.' Ninjas don't say a single Goddamn thing. They are nothing alike! You could try sewing (or bolting) two together but they would soon kill each other--the pirate killing the ninja with his stench and the ninja killing the pirate with throwing stars.

Re:Everyone knows it was not zombie attacks

[Gideon Fubar]

so in order to create a Pirate Ninja, you'd have to make them breed while vibrating in a vacuum, something that both pirates and ninjas should be able to survive, for at least 2 minutes (or 10, if the pirate's name is Guybrush).

Making them agree to the proposition might be difficult, unless the Ninja is a hot kunoichi and the pirate is played by Johnny Depp...

reminds me of.....

[edwardpickman]

It reminds me of a classic The Onion story about evidence of a race of a skeletons found all over the world. I'm sure creationist would see evidence of a race of skeletons being proof that evolution was false since there is no way a race of skeletons could evolve.

Re:reminds me of.....

[smittyoneeach]

Been watching this skeleton race a real long time now.
Them bones don' be movin'.
Mebbe some more tequilya.

Re:reminds me of.....

[aled]

I'm sure creationist would see evidence of a race of skeletons being proof that evolution was false since there is no way a race of skeletons could evolve.

That's ludicrous! There's plenty of factual evidence that shows the evolutions of hominid skeleton evolution into human skeleton. Curiously they seem to have inhabited the same places that hominid and humans, but there's not yet enough scientific evidence to prove this theory.

Re:reminds me of.....

[sconeu]

Are we sure that this isn't a Sluggy Freelance plug?

Re:reminds me of.....

[aled]

Go ahead, be the reproductive-system-nazi of this thread if you want. But first answer these questions: If skeletons can't reproduce, why can we find so many of them buried? Where Skeletor does came from? Army of Darkness was better than Evil Dead II?

Re:reminds me of.....

[DigitalWallaby]

Skeletons reproduce by jumping each others bones.

Re:reminds me of.....

[TitusC3v5]

Somebody call Al Gore so we can give this man his new Internet.

hmm

[User 956]

I don't know why everyone hates on zombies. I mean, zombies were people too.

Re:hmm

[CaptainPatent]

Isn't it obvious!?

Anyone with half a brain, well...
is probably being attacked by a zombie.

Re:hmm

[Anonymous Coward]

I hate zombies because they use phrases like "The number and the standard position of the cut marks (usually on the second-fourth cervical vertebrae; always from the front) indicate an effort far greater than that needed simply to cause the death of a normal (uninfected) person."

I mean, normal people don't talk like that.

Proof?

[Enderandrew]

We all know that zombies tend to gravitate towards malls, or high school proms and such. If they found headless remains outside a prehistoric shopping mall, then I'd be convinced.

Lurch post

[Harmonious Botch]

This lends new meaning to the phrase "walk like an Egyptian"

Preceding the zombie attacks

[Anonymous Coward]

Was a mass distribution scrolls that promised a nude painting of Cleopatra, but was merely a tax bill infected with a virus.

Re:I read this in the Zombie Survival Handbook

[Anonymous Coward]

Clinton, you mean? Clinton was the only president during 2000.

French Revolution

[Aaron Denney]

Hey, I bet this could also explain the heavy use of the guillotine during the French revolution.

Re:What's the deal with this?

[Dunbal]

Plus the site TFA is hosted on is apparently a publication from The Archaeological Institute of America...??

      October, Halloween. Even archaeologists have a sense of humor. Get one today!

I for one . . .

[GwaihirBW]

welcome our new zombie underlings! . . . I feel kinda dirty now.

Re:I read this in the Zombie Survival Handbook

[mrt181]

you are wrong, oil-thirsty vampires took over the white house in 2001

Re:Young earth

[Penguinshit]

We're the result of a 6 day Powerpoint presentation??!?

That sure explains a few things...

Re:Young earth

[Opportunist]

Now everything makes sense!

I mean, look at it. First day, light and darkness, works fine. Reason? Angels were fresh and actually listening.

And from there on it went downhill, right to the 6th day with human. Now tell me, can you sit through 6 days of a boring presentation? I'm fairly sure by the end of the 5th day, every Angel was just sitting there doodling.

Re:What's the deal with this?

[ben0207]

Well, of course the article is a bit old. They are an Archeology Magazine, after all.

Missing brainzzz...

[flyingfsck]

"So I saw the fictitious Solanum virus in the missing brain of a headless mummy." Said the blind man to his deaf daughter standing in the corner of the round hut.

Re:Young earth

[OzRoy]

That does explain the dangly bits.

Oi! I'm not a virus!!

[solanum]

Cheeky sods.

Re:What's the deal with this?

[evilviper]

Uhh, am I just missing something here? Is this article a joke?

No, it's not a joke. It's 100% serious. That's why it was posted under the category "It's funny. Laugh." and the first few words of the summary are "A tongue-in-cheek article".

That's the sign of a dead-serious story right there.