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Best Man Rigs Newlyweds' Bed To Tweet During Sex

Posted by samzenpus on from the nice-feed dept.

When an UK man was asked to be the best man at a friend's wedding he agreed that he would not pull any pranks before or during the ceremony. Now the groom wishes he had extended the agreement to after the blessed occasion as well. The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress. The device now automatically tweets when the couple have sex. The updates include the length of activity and how vigorous the act was on a scale of 1-10.

58 of 272 comments (clear)

  1. First by SparafucileMan · · Score: 5, Funny

    First!

    130KG. 45 seconds.

    1. Re:First by Cryacin · · Score: 4, Funny

      You'd look kinda goofy all by yourself. I think it was a pressure sensor made for Two.

      --
      Science advances one funeral at a time- Max Planck
    2. Re:First by SimonInOz · · Score: 3, Informative

      One thing we do know - newlywedsontjob ... that's Northern England, for sure. ("There's trouble at t'mill", etc). Cuts it down a bit.

      --
      "Cats like plain crisps"
    3. Re:First by julesh · · Score: 2, Interesting

      I don't know how much you weigh, but I am certainly FAR closer to 65kg than to 130kg.

      I suspect the average geek is closer to 130. FWIW, I'm 83kg, but only because I've been on a prolonged diet. This time last year I was approaching 100, i.e. closer to 130.

    4. Re:First by selven · · Score: 4, Insightful

      Unfortunately, we are also intelligent-people centric, and intelligent people tend to use internationally recognized units whose ratios actually make sense.

    5. Re:First by Gulthek · · Score: 4, Insightful

      Do you really need to divide a foot into inches all that much? You know that's the *only* part of the US system that uses 12 right?

      Are there 12 feet in a yard? No? You mean you're suddenly dealing with 3/2, 3/3, 3/4, 3/6? Huh.

      How many yards are there in a mile? 12? 24? What? 1760? That doesn't even make sense. How is that related to the glorious "everything is divisible by the factors of 12" scheme? The factors of 1760 are 1, 2, 4, 5, 8, 10, 11, 16, 20, 22, 32, 40, 44, 55, 80, 88, 110, 160, 176, 220, 352, 440, 880, and 1760.

      So, to compare:

      Metric:
      1 centimeter
      10 centimeters = 1 decimeter
      10 decimeters = 1 meter
      1000 meters = 1 kilometer

      Imperial:
      1 inch
      12 inches = 1 foot
      3 feet = 1 yard
      1760 yards = 1 mile

      Yeah. Awesome.

    6. Re:First by selven · · Score: 2, Insightful

      Dividing is much easier in metric than imperial. If you have 7 meters and you want to divide by 3, you get 2.33 meters. Someone well acquainted with normal math can do that in his head. if you have 7 feet and you want to divide by 3, you have to awkwardly do it manually - take 2 feet and you have 1 foot left, divide that by 3, that's 4 inches. People who do architecture all their lives can do it, but normal people, and calculators, can't.

      Also, 7 kilometers / 3 = 2 km, 333m and 7 meters / 3 = 2 m, 333mm, but:

      7 miles / 3 = 2 miles, 1760 feet
      7 feet / 3 = 2 feet, 4 inches
      7 inches / 3 = 2 inches, 21/64 of an inch (that is how imperial nails and screwdrivers work...)

      Once you think about it, metric makes a lot more sense in every way.

    7. Re:First by DougJohnson · · Score: 2, Interesting

      Since you're not being facetious, my arm span is almost 2m, so I spread my arms out and fingertip to fingertip. If I can do it twice, that's 4m (you get the drift). It's a lot easier to do than the foot shuffle.

      When I spread my hand from thumb to tip of my little finger is about 20cm (near enough, I'm over on that, and under on the arm span, but we're estimating here and I know how much extra, so I just put my thumb a little inside where my pinky was the previous time)

      For height, it's really just a matter of training. You're accustomed to thinking about it in feet, so you can judge more accurately in feet. You're probably just as inaccurate in the inches as I am in the cm (or maybe I'm off by 1 more... who knows) when estimating. That's why they're estimates, not measurements. I bet I'm pretty good at estimating heigh in meters though! (That person over there is about 2m... and person unless they're a child, in which case they're about 1m!)

      For games, it's kind of arbitrary anyhow, but so far as I can tell, even USA track meets are done in m.

      American football is the only game I can think of that uses Yards, but I admit I have no idea how big a basketball court is, nor how far between baseball plates. Fortunately google knows.

      Court is 15m wide by 28m long, in the USA it's 50ft x 94ft.

      Baseball plates are 90', but bizarrely there's apparently no standard for where the home run fence is (I guess that's some Imperial uncertainty)

  2. Beowulf by jmcbain · · Score: 5, Funny

    Imagine a Beowulf cluster of these.

    1. Re:Beowulf by nametaken · · Score: 3, Funny

      Gross.

  3. Um... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    They’re on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG.

    They’re on the job! #3 - Action commenced at 15.13GMT. Weight: 151KG.

    They’re on the job! #4 - Action commenced at 19.14GMT. Weight: 151KG.

    and later...

    They’re on the job! #5 - Action commenced at 09.33GMT. Weight: 152KG.

    Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from? 4 times in and they are already experimenting with sex toys?! I just don't know what to say as a virgin, unmarried slashdotter.

    I guess the only fitting comment is "pics or it didn't happen"

    1. Re:Um... by peektwice · · Score: 5, Informative

      Another possible 'whoosh'... but I think it's because she's married now, and no longer has to look good for the wedding. It happens EVERY time. Woman works out like crazy for months to fit into a particular dress size, then once the wedding cake hits her gullet, the fat starts piling on. To be fair, men get fatter too, but we don't "false advertise" for the wedding.

      --
      Other than this text, there is no discernible information contained in this sig.
    2. Re:Um... by Shakrai · · Score: 5, Funny

      Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from?

      I highlighted the word that might shed some light on the situation ;)

      Yes, I'm going to hell......

      --
      I want peace on earth and goodwill toward man.
      We are the United States Government! We don't do that sort of thing.
    3. Re:Um... by Adriax · · Score: 3, Funny

      Hah! Further proof of the secret buggy whip manufacturer conspiracy!

      --
      I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
    4. Re:Um... by daveime · · Score: 5, Funny

      1kg of the stuff ? I find that a bit hard to swallow !

    5. Re:Um... by Cryacin · · Score: 5, Funny

      Keep practicing!

      --
      Science advances one funeral at a time- Max Planck
    6. Re:Um... by Deisatru · · Score: 5, Funny

      1kg of the stuff ? I find that a bit hard to swallow !

      Thats what she said!

    7. Re:Um... by von_rick · · Score: 2, Insightful

      Does role-playing and fantasy mean nothing to you?

      --

      Face your daemons!

    8. Re:Um... by davester666 · · Score: 3, Funny

      Three-way! Kinky.

      --
      Sleep your way to a whiter smile...date a dentist!
    9. Re:Um... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 3, Funny

      Yikes. You're quite the bitter loser.

    10. Re:Um... by ari_j · · Score: 2, Funny

      The fact that she's still able to speak is a miracle of evolution.

  4. Double blinded sex by paiute · · Score: 4, Funny

    Unfortunately (well, maybe fortunately) all parties in this hack are anonymous. Otherwise, the new groom could rig up an automatic bed bouncing machine and become a sexual legend of Web 3.0.

    --
    If Slashdot were chemistry it would look like this:Cadaverine
  5. Like most Twitter feeds... by MrEricSir · · Score: 5, Funny

    ...this feed won't be updated much after a few months.

    --
    There's no -1 for "I don't get it."
    1. Re:Like most Twitter feeds... by shri · · Score: 4, Funny

      Well, lets hope it does not get updated every time the husband is on the golf course. :)

  6. It'll be even more hillarious by shadowblaster · · Score: 5, Funny

    If the device starts tweeting while the husband is at work.

    1. Re:It'll be even more hillarious by RebelWithoutAClue · · Score: 2, Funny

      What about a sudden decrease/increase in the measured weight ? That would be entertaining too.

      --
      "However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results" - Winston Churchill
    2. Re:It'll be even more hillarious by Pharmboy · · Score: 4, Insightful

      If you have to worry about your newly wed bride doing someone else while you toil away at work, the relationship is already over.

      --
      Tequila: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
  7. Only one sensor? by HangingChad · · Score: 4, Funny

    The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress.

    So it only measures sex on the bed. How boring is that? That leaves out the walls, floor, couch, kitchen counter, pool table, the whole rest of the house and car sex un-Tweeted.

    And, if you're Tiger Woods, the private jet, the yacht and the putting green.

    --
    That's our life, the big wheel of shit. - The Fat Man, Blue Tango Salvage
    1. Re:Only one sensor? by DinDaddy · · Score: 5, Funny

      That leaves out the walls, floor, couch, kitchen counter, pool table, the whole rest of the house and car sex

      Ah yes, first stage of sex in a marriage.

      Second stage is after a few years, pretty much confined to the bedroom.

      Third stage kicks in around twelve or fifteen years. That's where you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!"

    2. Re:Only one sensor? by tomhudson · · Score: 3, Funny

      Third stage kicks in around twelve or fifteen years. That's where you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!"

      Way to ruin a good punch-line

      You're supposed to say "Hall Sex", and only after you get the "wtf is Hall Sex" look, explain it.

    3. Re:Only one sensor? by rahvin112 · · Score: 2, Interesting

      And next time you are at your newlywed friends home consider how many times they have had sex and left bodily fluids on the couch you are sitting on.

  8. Hmm by ShooterNeo · · Score: 5, Funny

    So how does the device work? For instance, how are these weight measurements being made? If you just put a load cell under the middle of the bed, it isn't going to measure the total mass. You'd need to use 4 load cells - one at each corner of the mattress. And the Mattress has to have a frame, like a box spring. Or you could use 1 load cell, but you'd have to build a special framework under the bed for it.

    The next part is how do you translate these weight and vibration readings into a "sex detector". Where do you set the threshold, such that if someone just rolls over or even flops on the bed it doesn't set it off? Lots of ordinary acts, from scratching an itch to sitting up might create vibrations in the system that would fool a simple script into detecting "sex".

    Plus, some sex acts create a lot more vibration that others. Position also matters quite a bit.

    This is an interesting problem. I think it's solvable, to a reasonable level of accuracy. But you'd have to calibrate the system, which would require something that most slashdotters don't have access to....

    1. Re:Hmm by evanbd · · Score: 5, Insightful

      The sex detection part is some fairly trivial signal processing. You need a band pass filter with a passband of about 0.5-3 Hz (at a guess; better numbers exist, but I haven't tried googling them). Then you need to detect extended signal within that band; there are a variety of options for this, any of which are likely to work.

    2. Re:Hmm by SpeedBump0619 · · Score: 4, Interesting

      That's a pretty trivial filtering problem. It looks like it's all based on a set of load cells, so the question is if you look at the down forces on, say, the four corners of your bed what does sex "look" like? Fourier transforms would convert running measurements to frequency measurements. I'd say you look for a minimum of 5-10 seconds of oscillations at a given frequency (anything from maybe 1 to 10Hz). You then require a 2+ minute span of continuing recurrences. Filter out total weights that indicate only one person (or, you know, don't). Figure peak, average, and maybe std deviation of the frequency/ampitude spectrum recored for the "event" and use those numbers to do your "grading".

      This is the reason *I* went to college.

    3. Re:Hmm by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      This. This is why I read Slashdot.

    4. Re:Hmm by geekgirlandrea · · Score: 2, Insightful

      Heh, here I was wondering if you could identify different positions from the spectrum, and apparently everyone else is already been thinking about it in those terms. For once, sex comes up on Slashdot in a way that's hilarious rather than creepy.

    5. Re:Hmm by hoggoth · · Score: 2, Insightful

      10 Hz?! I must be doing it wrong. Are you sure you aren't programming an epileptic fit detector?

      2+ minute span? Now I *know* I'm doing it wrong...

      --
      - For the complete works of Shakespeare: cat /dev/random (may take some time)
    6. Re:Hmm by MiniMike · · Score: 3, Funny

      Then you need to detect extended signal within that band...

      Um, aren't they British?

    7. Re:Hmm by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      This? This is why I read Slashdot?

    8. Re:Hmm by Sifonki · · Score: 5, Funny

      As long as they are married, STD deviation should remain minimal.

  9. Sounds interesting... by Zakabog · · Score: 2, Funny

    Wow, I want one, that sounds awesome. I wouldn't have it tweet when I'm having sex, but I'd probably keep some sort of online log that would graph the weight, volume, temperature (though that might be greatly skewed by the friction of the mattress constantly rubbing against the device) and if I can have motion sensors I'd have it log "the motion of the ocean."

    Not that the data would serve much purpose other than to say "Hey check out what I made."

  10. Thanks advertising agencies of the world by whrde · · Score: 5, Insightful

    This has a very, very high likelihood of being an advertisement for the pads he links to. Such a pity that advertising agencies have destroyed my ability to believe things :-(

  11. Re:This is weak even for slashdot by Hatta · · Score: 2, Funny

    I've rigged my finger to tweet when it's pulled.

    --
    Give me Classic Slashdot or give me death!
  12. Re:This is weak even for slashdot by awyeah · · Score: 4, Informative

    There's nothing funny about invasions of privacy.

    But there's so many things that make this story hilarious.

    --
    Why, no, I haven't meta-moderated lately. Thanks for asking!
  13. Finally! by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Finally, a use for Twitter!

  14. 1-10 isn't good enough by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    For newlyweds it should go to 11.

  15. my wife is an odd duck by Coraon · · Score: 5, Funny

    When she read the article her first words were "Where do we get one of those?" O.o

    --
    -Ours is the wisdom of Solomon, the magic of Merlyn, the fall of Icaris.
    1. Re:my wife is an odd duck by mqduck · · Score: 2, Funny

      I'm not quite sure if she will take kindly to being called a duck

      I take offense to that!

      --
      Property is theft.
  16. Re:False positives by Gadget_Guy · · Score: 2, Funny

    I wonder how many low-intensity sex sessions are actually false positives caused by tossing and turning.

    But doesn't that count as foreplay?

  17. "Everybody Knows".... by plasmacutter · · Score: 5, Funny

    there's gonna be a meter on your bed, that will disclose.. what everybody knows!..

    never thought it would be LITERAL.

    --
    VLC FOR MAC IS DYING! IF YOU DEVELOP, PLEASE SAVE IT!!
  18. Re:With friends like these, who needs enemies? by k_187 · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Then you've found a keeper

    --
    11 was a racehorse
    12 was 12
    1111 Race
    12112
  19. Re:As one getting married in 11 days... by eihab · · Score: 2, Interesting

    As one getting married in 11 days...

    Well let me be the first on Slashdot (maybe?) to say: CONGRATULATIONS!

    I don't know you or how long you knew your fiance, but I just want to wish you all the best in your journey. It will be fun :)

    Ignore the AC above, he's mad because he was raped in an alley yesterday.

    And yea mods, you can mod this off-topic. There goes Karma :\

    --
    If you can't mod them join them.
  20. Re:False positives by bronney · · Score: 2, Funny

    wait a minute.. you're saying tossing and turning on a bed with someone isn't sex??! Damn it I thought I scored.

  21. Re:Bedbugs and Twitterboxes by T+Murphy · · Score: 4, Insightful

    Bedbug. Perfect name for this device.

    --
    My webcomic
  22. Good use of twitter by uneek · · Score: 2, Funny

    Wow, this is really evil

  23. Friendly advice by SteveFoerster · · Score: 2, Insightful

    I've been married twice, so let me tell you something important. They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Don't worry, that's not true. It's the last year that's the hardest.

    Good luck!

    --
    Space game using normal deck of cards: http://BattleCards.org
  24. Let's hope... by roc97007 · · Score: 2, Funny

    ...that it only goes off when they're both at home...

    --
    Oliver's law of assumed responsibility: If you're seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
  25. tweet frequency by drmitch · · Score: 2, Funny

    Oddly enough, the frequency of tweeting on the account is dropping like a rock.