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Study: Online Dating Makes People "Picky" and "Unrealistic"
New submitter garthsundem writes with this tale of digital love: "A newly published meta-analysis of over 400 studies of online dating (PDF) shows both its popularity (second only to meeting through friends) and its impact. More online daters report seeking a 'soulmate' online, and do so by searching through the wealth of available profiles. Unfortunately soul-searchers focus on faults, both in viewing profiles and then also once dating in person, leading to quick exits when relationships inevitably get complicated."
That online dating has made the average man behave like the average woman.
Life is series of compromises. Online or not, there is certain group out there who thinks they
need (worse, deserve) "soul mate". Good thing with physical world is, these people will be
notorious in the town, friends circle and lose any chance of meeting decent folks.
But in Online world, they have luxury of keeping going through profiles and waste their
money, time and other peoples time. How else these "dating sites" make money ?
FFS. There are /.ers who are capable of rewriting the entire Linux kernel in three lines of Perl, and yet cannot differentiate between "it's" and "its".
If you wanted a hook-up, you went to a bar.
If you wanted a girl you could marry and bring to your parents, you went to church.
Now it's like this....
If you want a hook-up, go to match or similar (free) websites
If you want to find a girl you might marry go to eharmony
If you just want a hooker you go craigslist...
Previewing comments are for sissies!
I can think of a couple reasons why this happens. As a male who spent a few years online dating myself, and seeing both sides of the fence.
Guys terribly outnumber women on these sites. Women get many many many requests, and it's pretty much pick of the litter for them. Even if they don't get picky, they get jaded due to the idiots trying anything to get a woman interested. It's akin to trying to find an email from your family while sifting through endless penis enlargement emails.
There's always someone better looking or more interesting out there and dating sites make these people known to you .Be it through contact with them or the mere presence of their profile online. It's almost a carrot and stick game. It's so much easier to stop seeing someone who doesn't completely interest you when there are other potential mates out there.
The ability to be picky with online dating is the whole point! You can put all of your cards on the table before ever even meeting someone. In this busybody world, people don't want to have to go through traditional dating, only to find out months into a relationship about some strong deal breaker like wanting kids. That's just a disappointing waste of time and people are starting to realize it.
If you're looking for someone to spend your life with, you damned well should be picky. For the record, I met my partner online many years ago on a niche dating site, so maybe I'm a little biased.
My theory is that since online dating has a lower barrier to entry, it attracts people who wouldn't otherwise be "ready" to find their soulmate. It's like PHP; it can be a powerful tool, but because it's easy there's a lot of crap code out there.
Disclaimer: Met my wife and soulmate on OkCupid. :^)
It's better to vote for what you want and not get it than to vote for what you don't want and get it.
- E. Debs
Why not be picky? Have you seen the stats for divorce lately? Anything is better if it helps people have good relationships instead settling for whatever came along when got fed up.
True love is unrealistic. That doesn't mean it's a bad goal.
I'm currently dating a wonderful girl I met online after many years of not finding anyone I would spend my life with. Had I not been 'picky' I could have settled for any number of other women that wouldn't make me happy. Why would I do that to myself?
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you." - DM
...it's television, movies, glamour magazines, and many other forms of "art" and "culture" that are very heavily pushed upon a market.
It's been my experience that many women that met the physical/appearance standards that are promoted to us were at minimum highly narcissistic, and at worst bat-shit-fucking-crazy. It took me awhile to understand this, and on a techie note, to understand how damaged the former-BBSer women of the early to mid nineties at the tail end of the craze were. Generally damaged, each and every one, and we're not talking scratch-and-dent here either.
People, the dating pool is the pool of people who like to do the same things that you like to do. If there are no eligible people in your social circles, then you need to expand your social circles somewhat. That doesn't mean doing masculine or effeminate things if you don't want to, but you have to do something that you like to do that those you seek also like to do.
In my case it was swing and ballroom dance. It worked so well that I married and MIT graduate.
Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
In my experience, the most popular dating sites (listed as type 1 in the article, like OKCupid and Match) are like giant bars. The women are hounded from all directions by men, and the men seem to have to fight to distinguish themselves. Every good friend I know that is female and on one of these sites is constantly bombarded and things quickly devolve into shallow initial impressions. I'm willing to bet most relationships started at bars are often shaky when things get real as well.
Just look at the guy's /. profile. Do you want the +5 Funny guy, the +4 Insightful/1 Interesting or the wild -3 Flamebait?
Bitten Apples are still better than dirty Windows...
Regular dating makes people "picky" and "unrealistic"
I have friends that ,"I can only date a HOTTIE" and they are too freaking ugly, fat, etc to even get the attention of a normal girl. One friend is nearly 400 pounds and looks like the dough boy and thinks he will get a hot chick.
The REALITY is that many people are not only unrealistic, but they are shallow and have a twisted sense of the world.
Also remember, All Hot chicks are insane, but not all insane chicks are hot.
Do not look at laser with remaining good eye.
#1) Women don't actually want to go out with you. What they want is a male "pen-pal". They want you to write long emails to them which they can read in Starbucks while sipping their lattes.
#2) Avoid any woman who's profile claims she isn't seeking anyone who plays games or has baggage. Because she's the one who's playing games and has baggage.
#3) Yes, yes, yes, we all love wine, good food, long walks on the beach. Tell me what's unique about you, not what makes you the same as everyone else!
#3) After more than a decade of online dating, I've decided I'm happier by myself anyhow. When I crave "companionship", there are services for that.
If telephones are outlawed, then only outlaws will have telephones.
An interesting article originally posted by OKCupid (until they were bought and it was pulled down) explaining why you should never pay for online dating:
http://interestingreads.posterous.com/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating-ok
Worth a read.
Avantslash - View Slashdot cleanly on your mobile phone.
Divorce coming through this week. HTH.
Why online dating will never work:
Jdogg: Hey
QT-Pie: Hey
Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?
Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm...no.
Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your p*ssy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to Jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my dick puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.
Slashdot lacks readers with experience on this topic.
That hasn't stopped anyone before.
Save your money. Online dating is for poorly socialized basement dwellers.
Want to meet somebody nice? Try going out into the real world, and outside your comfort zone. Travel. Study something new. Change jobs. Move to another country. Then you'll meet lots of people; some may be date material, some will become lifelong friends, and a few will be special enough to share your life with. And that person, odds-on, will look nothing like what you imagined your partner to look like in your mind's eye.
Me? On a whim, I quit my job, moved to the other side of the world with nothing but the clothes on my back and my savings, and decided to start afresh. Six years later, I'm happily settled down with my lovely and very sweet, Spanish fiancee, only a few short years after I thought I'd be single forever.
It's what pickup nerds call "inner game". Work on growing as a person and being a balanced individual, and eventually everything else will fall into place.
Get out there, be bold, and have the courage to do something new and different. Don't waste your time on seedy websites.
Instead she should initiate contact herself.
This way she:
1. Eliminates any douchebag that doesn't let a women initiate contact.
2. Ignores all the douchebags emailing everyone.
3. Is less likely to be fooled by someone customizing their email to her profile.
Note, this only works because other women are not emailing men. Everyone wants to be pursued - even the woman that call themselves dominant. But that idea simply works BADLY online. Too many men doing the pursuing.
It also takes a woman smart enough to realize that emailing a guy doesn't make her overly aggressive. Hell, even if you are a kinky submissive on an "adult" web site you can still email a guy in a submissive way. It's about what you say, not who wrote first.
excitingthingstodo.blogspot.com
It is no doubt sexist but girls who reach puberty are very attractive to a large age range of men. Boys of the same age, only to Catholic priests. For women, it is looks that count. For men, it is success, power, confidence. Not saying that all women are gold diggers only after a wallet but confidence is something you gain overtime, with success, with power, with age. And when you couldn't get a 18yr old at 18, why would you date that girl who is now 40 when she has been used up and now desperate when with your status gain, you can get a nice young girl?
Dating sites reflect this. I have worked on two and the database clearly showed that the women tended to be more experienced (read: many failed relationships) and fed up with it and now trying to find something more longterm. Generally these women show little self-awareness of why they are this situation, 30 something with just as many boyfriends and nothing permanent.
Men are slightly more realistic but to negative. A lot of 30yr old men who now feel they have power/money to pretend to be confident are really hateful to women who they believe are now only interested because of their cash.
When these two groups meet, mis-communication is rife, a lot of men are simply not prepared to accept that a women their own age has more experience, they don't want second hand goods or even 30th hand goods. The women on the other hand don't quite get why men they turned down for years are not falling over themselves like all the guys that came before. They don't see that the guys they had before were only there for the sex and nothing else.
The men might not have much experience with relationships but neither do the women. Being used as a booty call is after all not a relationship. The only thing these women are good at is failed relationships. Think of it like this: If you try a race circuit a thousand time and crash everytime at the first corner you are NOT more experienced at racing at that circuit then someone who never even been there. It is a complex concept but an essential one if you want to understand the dating scene. A one-night stand when he never calls again does NOT teach you how to make a relationship work. In fact, if that is your history for the last decade, it seems likely you will never learn.
A lot of people approach online-dating and other dating aids with this screwed up mind set, men who hate all women because they never had the guts so ask them out, girls who been used all their life thinking it is the fault of men that none of them saw how wonderful a person she really is, people with expectation that just don't exist in this world.
Real romances? Try this, do a poll among married couples for valentine gifts and on a dating site. The results might be very different, the married couples are realistic, the dating site will have stuff that even Spielberg couldn't make up.
It is true after all, normal people don't need dating sites. That does NOT mean you will only find freaks on dating sites. It means if you are using one, you are a freak. Accept this, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself: "What is wrong with me that I have to use this". It is not wrong to use dating sites but if you think you are perfect when you have to use one... you are in for a disappointment.
MMO Quests are like orgasms:
You may solo them, I prefer them in a group.
Easy sex != good sex. Believe it or not, there are a lot of women (and I assume men, though I wasn't searching for those) on dating sites who really are just looking for someone to hook up with. They aren't the ones with fake pictures. I'll go ahead and explain my methodology for online dating since so many people responded with "wtf I wish that's how it worked".
1) Contact everyone within 100 miles that you think might actually be worth talking to. You don't have to "love at first sight". Women on these sites get solicited *ALL THE TIME* so remember that you aren't unique and saying "Sup" isn't enough.
2) Talk to the girls with "real" pictures and profiles.
3) Be real to yourself. Stats say you aren't the top 5%. Don't expect the top 5% of females to find you attractive.
4) Text message. Don't keep that crap on the site. Them having to come to the site to read your emails means they are reading all those other solicitations as well.
5) Talk to single moms. These sites bread-and-butter is single parents who don't have time to go out. Deal with it. If you want to go to a free site you should at least entertain the idea that the people on it will have children.
6) Ask questions. Most people can't stand to leave a question unanswered. "Sup, you look pretty" won't get a reply. "Is that a doberman in that picture?" will.
7) Deal with the fact that these are real people. You aren't shopping in a magazine. Expect the average person on these sites to look like the average person in real life. The ones that are super hot in pictures are getting 500 emails a day.
...but not just in the original meaning.
We're ALL trained to find a mate of ultimate attractiveness/power. All the boys lust after the hot girls in high school, and all the girls like the adventurous/athletic/popular guys (all is an overstatement, but you get the idea). Somewhere in their 20's MOST girls re-arrange their expectations to marry someone who is good to them. The trick is being the first nice guy to come along after those expectations have been re-arranged. So, nice guys DO finish last... and when they finish that's one more girl off the market.
This creates the illusion that girls are not interested in nice guys, as they may date 20 assholes and one or two nice guys, but it's the one or two nice guys that they marry (and don't divorce a couple years later.... there are girls who marry the assholes and then become the single-divorced-30's women with baggage.)
That said, guys can be their own problem: There is NO shortage of women out there who would be more than happy to be with you. You probably just don't think they're attractive enough, so your own expectations are 50% of the problem.
You can't expect the girl who exercises, eats right, and puts resources into looking attractive to be interested in you if you're not doing the same things. So if you're not peak attractiveness, and you're not revamping your diet and popping in the P90X to bring up your physical appearance, time to dial down your own expectations to "normal looking people".
(As a handy side effect, getting rid of your rampant desire to associate with attractive women will also make you less creepy to attractive women.)
paintball
That WAS part of the original, all from the same guy. A more complete archive of his legendary cybertrolling can be found here: http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/bloodcyber.html
It includes the "wizard hat" one, the kama sutra one, and many others. I have re-read it hundreds of times over the last ten years and still laugh uncontrollably at scenes like this:
This one actually reveals the fiction behind the scenes -- I find it difficult to believe she would stay in character, acknowledge what he was doing, and use proper punctuation even as he was wrecking the scene; she would have just left the conversation. But even if the whole thing is a work of fiction, it's the funniest damn story I have ever read in my life.
Most people try online dating because they have exhausted the pool of potential partners in their work/social circles and prefer the online environment over forced social situations like bars.
I've done the online dating thing, and help some friends do the online dating thing, so here's some thoughts/advice:
Most profiles on the major websites are in fact real profiles of women who would like to date. The ones that are spam are also pretty easy to detect.
Most women don't care about salary. They DO care about drive. So if you make poop for cash because you're an under-compensated social worker, no problem. If you make poop for cash because your life plan is "bartender", that might be an issue.
Approach is key. Men on online dating sites tend to be indiscriminate, sending lots of messages to lots of women. This means women tend to get lots of messages from lots of men - but lots of poor, unspecific messages. For success, less is more. Pick a FEW profiles of people you find interesting, and take the time to write them something specific and interesting. Understand that 2/3rds of the time, you're not going to get a reply even from real people for various reasons.... they never read your message because there's too much crap in their inbox from all the indiscriminate men, they procrastinate, or something about you just isn't interesting to them.
There are other tricks. Start having your friends take pictures of you when you're out doing whatever, and post pics of you doing things to your profile. Talk about what you do and why you like doing it... or what you plan to do and what you're doing to get there.
Overall, you want to come across as looking for the right person, not just looking for any person.
And, certainly, if you approach dating with the same jaded attitude you display here (women are just after money!) you're not going to have much success. Approach dating as a fun activity in-and-of-itself and you might also find someone you really like on accident.
paintball
As someone well over 30, I think I'm somewhat qualified to comment here.
The "nice guys finish last" thing is alive and well, and there's nothing about it that's a "cop out". Where you're correct is that as we get older, our priorities change (largely due to having more life experiences).
Most men AND women I know are working on "climbing that ladder" throughout their 20's and into their early 30's. They score that first "career job" after finishing school (or dropping out with it partially finished, as the case may be?) and start obtaining things such as their first new car or truck, perhaps a home of their own (or even stepping up from a small apartment unit to a rental house or townhouse apartment counts).... and sooner or later, they're considering obtaining a life partner too. Still working from the angle of "I've got nowhere to go from here but up!", they're concerned with their appearance to their peers, and with selecting a partner who has the best possible combination of looks, intelligence and personality/character.
When you're still in THAT stage of life? Yeah, dating is very competitive and you really can finish last in that area if you bring integrity and "character" to the table, but not much else. Without money and/or looks, you're short a couple of key items that help "sell" yourself vs. your competition.
Where things change, IMO, is somewhere between the mid 30's and 40's. By that time, many people already TRIED a marriage that ended badly. Others just matured a bit (or even simply let life wear them down a bit, to where they quit trying to impress -- and resigned themselves to just getting up each day, going to their 9-5 job, and keeping busy with whatever chores and tasks life demanded of them). All of a sudden, they're no longer focusing time and energy on searching for someone. They're just being themselves, and are actually in a better position to stumble across someone else like-minded who likes them for them.
BTW, I really think wealth serves as a huge barrier to one's self-awareness. Why do so many Hollywood celebs and pro sports athletes have relationship problems? Why do big-shot CEOs constantly get involved in sex scandals? When you have enough money, you're able to spend your way out of looking in the mirror and getting a true sense of who you are. Someone's always happy to stroke your ego, hoping for some sort of payoff. Doctors and surgeons will do all sorts of procedures to you, to make sure you physically appear younger than you really are. You can afford all the best/trendiest clothing items, vehicles, and everything else that distracts people from seeing who YOU are when they look at you. Every time you screw up in public, you can pay off someone to bail you back out of the situation.
The trick is being the first nice guy to come along after those expectations have been re-arranged.
Some trick: you get a woman whose looks are fading at an exponential rate, and who frolicked in her prime with sexier men, so you'll be entering into a disadvantageous contract with someone with no real loyalty or passion for you.
I agree with you that this can be a very bad idea, but for the exact OPPOSITE reason. The last girl I dated (for just over year) had one of the sweetest little girls I'd ever met.
They love to remind you that "when you date the mom, you date the kids." What they don't remind you is that "When the mom's drama queen bullshit leads to you breaking up with her, you're breaking up with the kid, too."
I couldn't provide an airborne copulation at a ventrally-mobile toroid whether or not I ever saw the mom again, but two years later I still miss the kid.
There is NO shortage of women out there who would be more than happy to be with you. You probably just don't think they're attractive enough, so your own expectations are 50% of the problem.
Truer words were never spoken. What it comes down to for me is women fall into two categories: attractive, and accessible to me.
I ended up marrying an unattractive one, who turned out to be an excellent wife and mother, but it has been difficult over the years to choke down the fact that I've never really found her appealing. I'm not sure if guys are better off to lower their expectations or not. It will get you laid, but is it worth it?
Maybe.
A lot of guys who claim to be "nice guys" are in fact timid doormats who secretly crush on their female friends then get upset when they finally try to act upon their feelings, only to get "friend-zoned." Guys like that think they're owed something for all the time and energy they put into the friendship, which makes them pretty fucking sleazy when you get right down to it.
If you're interested in someone, be up front about it, be confident, and don't take rejection personally. Yes, I know it's easy to say that, but that's really all there is to it. Women aren't going to fall all over you just because you're there, you have to go out and do the work yourself.
Check out my world simulator thingy.
"It's been a lot of years now, but back when I was single, I'd just lay it out on the table and either it worked or it did not"
Nowadays, you'd get arrested for that in most states.
There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from the bread factory.