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How To Steal a Space Shuttle
An anonymous reader tips a piece by Jason Torchinsky at Jalopnik, who attended the California Science Center's press conference about moving Space Shuttle Endeavour through Los Angeles to its final resting place. While he was there, he noticed that security for the event was focused less on the shuttle than on keeping the city itself safe. So, after a helpful LAPD officer suggested it would be impossible for a supervillain to make off with OV-105, Torchinsky went ahead and made a plan to do just that. All he needs is a submarine, a score of Sikorsky CH-53E heavy-lift helicopters, a salvaged and disguised Buran spaceplane, and the assistance of Switzerland.
Surely they wouldn't follow him into space, and it's kind of a supervillian thing to do!
Shouldn't this be in the "book reviews" section of Slashdot instead of "science"?
Haven't people learned? In this day and age, even joking about stealing/damaging US gov't property can be considered an act of terrorism.
All he needs is a submarine, a score of Sikorsky CH-53E heavy-lift helicopters, a salvaged and disguised Buran spaceplane, and the assistance of Switzerland.
Oh yeah, no problem, that space shuttle is going to be up and gone.
Now I have to come up with a new plan.
excitingthingstodo.blogspot.com
It becomes almost trivial to steal a spaceship once you're President of the Galaxy.
These are the types of two faced men we should watch out for.
...buy the space shuttle from the museum than to execute the plan to steal it.
So, after a helpful LAPD officer suggested it would be impossible for a supervillain to make off with OV-105, Torchinsky went ahead and made a plan to do just that. All he needs is a submarine, a score of Sikorsky CH-53E heavy-lift helicopters, a salvaged and disguised Buran spaceplane, and the assistance of Switzerland.
Bet'cha the crew from Leverage could do it. They probably wouldn't even need the Swiss, although they might borrow a minister or two for misdirection
They did 'steal' the Spruce Goose, after all... :o)
"I love animals! Some are cute, others are tasty, what's not to like?" - Betsy Schroeder, Jeopardy contestant
This is obviously viral marketing for Ocean's Fourteen.
If Slashdot were chemistry it would look like this:Cadaverine
The only reason I couldn't pull it off. Darn those Swiss!
So what he's saying is that Skyfall is yet another rehash of Thunderball.
Next Season, on Breaking Bad
Jessie: Oh come on, Mr. White! We have $480,000,000! Each! I'm out!
Walt: Really Jessie? This is about money to you?
Jessie: Wasn't that the whole point? To leave your family money, and then to make an empire because you're mad you made a bad decision with Gray Matter? Why do you need a space shuttle? Bitch?!
Walt: Jessie, Hank is on to us. We need to get out of his jurisdiction. Out of everyone's jurisdiction! And that shuttle is our ride.
What makes you think that is the real shuttle?...mwuhuhahahaha [evil laughter trails off]
-badford
now the space shuttle. when will the evil stop?
Good people go to bed earlier.
...to the Peter Copter!
Obviously the easiest way to steal one is to fly it right off the back of the 747 while in flight, because everyone knows they keep the shuttle fully fueled while being transported piggy-back.
Horrible plan.
First, if you already have a Buran, what would you need the shuttle for?
You're going to put a giant, top-opening cargo hold in a submarine?
And then you're going to bring it to flight-readiness? Couldn't you just buy the Buran and bring that to flight-readiness?
Too bad that Swissair went bankrupt many years ago. It's spiritual successor "Swiss" belongs to the "Deutsche Lufthansa AG", a german airline.
Come back Ernst Stavro Blofeld, all is forgiven.
>> "While Bond supervillans tend to have these sorts of facilities and liquidity, they don't really exist..."
Well that exactly what Blofeld wants you to think.
Don't you just fire up the engines on the fully-fueled Shuttle while they're flying it on the back of the 747 carrier, because one of your twelve other Shuttles is broken and stealing one is somehow easier than fixing the one you have? (Or am I the only one who hasn't wiped all memory of that movie from his brain?)
Especially the part where the Swiss submarine is docking in those Swiss harbours is interesting.
But while you did this, I used all that confusion to replace the Mona Lisa with a fake one :)
Privacy is terrorism.
To paraphrase the piano enthusiasts, it's not a shuttle but rather a shuttle-shaped piece of furniture.
Moonraker
The Admin and the Engineer
Should have stolen it while is was still piggy back on NASA 747 and flown it directly to Switzerland.
International Committee of the Red Cross was created in Geneva, Switzerland, http://www.icrc.org/ by Henry Dunant http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Dunant and other nice people.
Geneva Conventions http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geneva_Conventions were accepted, well, in Geneva.
It is sort of a good serious place.
Then what? to launch the space shuttle cost a lot of money. Then the insurance doesn't want to cover, because the shuttle is known to have launch problem
as in the skin could be puncture by ice and blow up during re-entry.
So if he could even steal, what could he use it for ?
And the rocket launchers and gatling guns. No point in skimping.
This post contains no rudeness or derision of any kind. All arguments are friendly. Terms and exclusions may apply.
You have not been in Moscow for a while. Here it is: http://www.moninoaviation.com/g6a.html
So /. has finally turned into a fanfic site...
One assumes that NASA will now threaten to sue the author for copyright infringement, the shuttle will get re-cast as a nymphomaniac off-white shark and a hastily-assembled book will be released as 50 Scales of Grey.
I'll just make a few calls...
1) Large Crane
2) Large semi-truck transport
3) Crane at docks
4) Cargo ship
5) ??(you fill it in)
6) Profit
I live in Dayton, Ohio the birthplace of aviation and the home of the National Museum of the United States Air Force. We kinda thought that we were a shoe in for one of the Space Shuttles, but instead we got shafted. Our museum has its own runway and most of the airplanes stored there for display simply flew in and landed there. We wouldn't have had to cut down 400 trees, kill habitats, or slaughter virgins to get the damn thing into the display hanger, but of course no one thought about that when they petitioned to get a hold of it now did they?
Just saying. Penn & Teller: Off The Deep End - Disappearing Submarine
I know he wants a NASA space shuttle. ;)
Ant(Dude) @ Quality Foraged Links (AQFL.net) & The Ant Farm (antfarm.ma.cx / antfarm.home.dhs.org).
How do you fence it?
This is even more pointless than stealing "The Scream". At least you could just walk out with a painting so hot it sets your house on fire. With this spaceplane heist you're putting an awful lot of time and money in to acquire something with zero return.
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares"?
When you're President of the Galaxy ... it's not illegal.
...done that.
Sounds very much like a troll science comic
Steal/Acquire Buran space plane. Bro-Tip use magnets for faster acquiring.
I bet Apple also could. $100 billion can buy you quite a bit of stuff.
Kirk - "Scotty, do you have the coordinates?"
Scotty - "Aye Captain!"
Kirk - "Good. Transport them directly into the shuttle bay. Start with the Enterprise."
Spock - "Quite logical Captain!"
Scotty - "Does this make us supervillians Captain?"
Kirk - "We are just protecting them, Until NASA realizes they still need them"
*boop* *beep* *whirrrrrlllll*
How can I see this replacing "how would you move Mt Fuji" as a future interview question?
why would you want to use it to steal a Shuttle? Buran is rarer by far... much more valuable and collectible, right?
Oh, yeah, it doesn't matter unless it's popular and famous. Never mind.
Moonraker
He should call Franz Harary. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franz_Harary/
Which of these 2 stories makes more sense, stealing a shuttle or Boeing has filed a patent application for a method of disposing of dead satellites and other debris orbiting the earth by hitting them with a puff of gas?
The LAPD was right, it's impossible (in practical, not necessarily absolute, terms).
Oliver's law of assumed responsibility: If you're seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
Perhaps the security is adequate if that is the best plan.
Security is not about making absolutely sure, it's about:
1. Lowering likelyhood: Making it reasonably hard to break, so that the bad guys will go somehere else.
2. Spend wisely: Not spending more to defend that the likelyhood of loss times (value lost + value bad guys gain) (in general terms)
BTW:
a. Round up the likelyhood, the bad guys are better than you at getting ideas.
b. Destroy sensitive and remove generally valuable parts to reduce the bad guys value
c. The value lost is *not* the money spent on the lost property. Perhaps you wasted a small bit of effort making it? pehaps you can recreate new and better cheaper?
I think the value of the space-shuttle is mainly sentimental and image-loss on theft, so you should probably not spend more than a simple escort -- mainly to prevent traffic-problems.
SLOGEN [ http://ungdomshus.nu : Sebastian cover music]
. . . for when he finds himself up shit's creek!
It would be cheaper to buy it from the US as salvage. Have you seen that crappy old rustbucket lately? Sure they put a new coat of paint on it, but I wouldn't risk my life flying in that thing. Might make a cool ground-based home though.
Screw that old RV, and cooking in roach-infested houses.Imagine the crystals they can grow in microgravity!
Just hope Jesse's funyun crumbs don't screw up the environmental control system...
Remember "News for Nerds, Stuff that Matters"? Help make it a reality again! http://soylentnews.org
Now we know what Canada's maple syrup reserve was stolen for!
So.. nick a buran spaceplane. Wonderful though the shuttle was, given the technology at the time, a shuttle/spaceplane was the logical design for any spacefaring nation. I'd have loved to see Buran make more than test flights. Even then it had advantages over the shuttle as it could make automatic landings, something which wasn't added to the shuttle for decades. Buran was sadly brought to its knees due to Russian political in-fighting; crippled due to the economy dropping into the toilet and finally killed due to such poor funding its own shelter fell on; it crushing it. Flag-wave all you want, but I'm saddened by such technological beauty being neglected due to political "them -vs - us"squabbles. I've one of Buran's thermal tiles on a shelf and was really shocked by just how light they were, given the heat they could manage. RIP buran.
...some sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.
When the chaos is at its climax, a fleet of 10 Sikorsky CH-53E heavy lift helicopters wearing NASA Emergency Rescue livery will show up, and heroically inform everyone that they're here to take the Shuttle to a more secure location, away from the fire, and all that, back at LAX.
I don't think it would be possible for 10 choppers to coordinate to lift a load like that, the diameter of the rotors on the chopper is 80 feet, and the wingspan of the shuttle is 80 feet, so they would be pulling at an angle, which even if they could maintain the proper separation, would reduce their payload capacity. Worse, if one chopper loses or reduces power, the downward force would pull all of the choppers closer together, likely causing their rotors to collide. This coordination would be much harder to maintain when they fly into the smokescreen. To do this in real life, they'd need some kind of special bracket to allow the choppers to have enough horizontal separation to lift vertically.
Meanwhile, the real Endeavour is being flown a few miles West, out to the Pacific. While in flight, a crack team of Swiss military aerialists will wrap the Shuttle in camouflaged and water-tight plastic wrap, like they use for boats and other heavy equipment when shipping.
It seems highly unlikely that they'd be able to get a watertight seal around all of the tow ropes while airborne.... though they are a *crack* team, so maybe.
Once wrapped, the tethers holding the Shuttle will be released, sending the plastic-coated orbiter plunging into the icy Pacific.
This part is even harder - the picture in the article shows the shuttle sinking under the water to the special submarine, except that the shuttle wouldn't sink, it would float.
The shuttle cargo bay alone is 18m x 4.5m x 2m (estimated), or 162 m^3, which would displace 162,000 kg or water, or around 178 US tons. Add in the rest of the volume of the shuttle, and it's probably closer to 250 tons of displacement. The sub would have to come snatch it from the surface. I assume that something like an 16,000 ton Ohio Class sub would be able to submerge even with a 200 ton buoyant chamber on it, but I don't know for sure - I don't know how close to neutrally buoyant a sub is.
And of course, if the shuttle was submerged, it's unlikely that it could handle much pressure - it's designed to be under positive pressure in space, every 30 feet under water is one atmosphere of negative pressure, which the shuttle was never designed for.
And then finally there's the problem of what to do with it once they get it, the article suggests:
A country with a motive, like maybe a strange fixation on neutrality to the degree they've made their country a fortress and they may be interested in getting a spaceship for an off-world colony, fast.
If they are building a space colony, they'd probably want to get higher than the 400 mile max orbit of the shuttle. And if they just want a launch vehicle, for the $600M they are spending on the 20 CH-53E's, they may as well pay the Russians to take them to space, since they Russians can launch them cheaper than the $450M/flight it costs for the shuttle. And, of course, the shuttles are no longer spaceworthy, and it's likely that no one (not even NASA) has the ability to take a mothballed shuttle that's been on an underwater journey and make it spaceworthy again.
If I were a Mythbuster, I'd declare this myth "Busted", as I don't see any way it could work in real life.
Make jokes about stealing a space shuttle, something capable of dropping orbital nukes, and everyone thinks it's the funniest thing. But make one remark at the airport about how you thought that great new movie was 'the bomb' and they hall you away...
Must be a liberal thing, you do know its just the shell of the vehicle, If your in need of a shuttle shell the russian is sitting some where completely unguarded.
from the people in Washington state.
In related news, I could totally make it with your girlfriend/wife, all I need to do is take you out, then disguise my voice, facial features and body as yours, learn perfectly to emulate your mannerisms, dupe your smell, etc...
You see how pointless this idea is? That's WHY they're not worried about it. It would be like someone stealing New Jersey. Too hard to do, and who the hell would want to?
Seriously, they often employ the most offensive, idiotic blowhard asswipes available.
And for some unknown reason, their stupidest shit is usually their most offensive shit as well -- which is really weird, once you think about it. I mean, most stupidity survives a critical review through charisma. Their asswipe writers don't have much charisma.
It's like, you might expect the prettiest girl at school to go out with a dumb jock. You would be pretty surprised, however, to see her making out with a developmentally disabled student with poopy pants. However, the morons in management at Gawker Media are in bed with ugly, smelly moron writers. I guess they feel like they can relate, or something....
Swissair was liquidated in March 2002. Its successor, Swiss International Air Line, was taken over by the German airline Lufthansa in 2005.
Also the choice of Switzerland government as main actor seems extremely bizarre to whoever knows a bit how Switzerland works. The private Swiss banks do cultivate secrecy, not the government (the Swiss secret services are rather amateurish). A highly decentralized and democratic state like Switzerland makes any coordinated, well prepared and secret operation of this kind very difficult. Further, the motivation for planning such an operation, to colonize space in case of emergency, is beyond ridiculous.
... is actually not run by the state and is not called Swissair. The company he's looking for is "Swiss International Air Lines" (since 2002) and is a subsidiary of the German airline Lufthansa (since 2005).
Otherwise, the plan seems legit.
The villans would get caught when they have to purchase rad-hardened 80386 chips on the open market. That's the real reason the Shuttles were retired: No more 80386 replacement chips are available...
http://www.cpushack.com/space-craft-cpu.html
And after going through the effort, he proved the LAPD policeman correct! Does he really think that some step of the plan would fail?
Sure, but where would you park it?
THINK! It's patriotic
You'll need a steamroller as well.
I come here for the love