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TSA Log Shows Passengers Say the Darndest Things
coondoggie writes "There is no humor in an airport. It's a fact. And while most travelers business or otherwise know that, there are a few out there who haven't gotten the message or perhaps the choose to ignore it. Either way the 'People Say the Darndest Things' or 'What Not to Say at an Airport' section has become one of the more popular destinations on the TSA Blog site."
The collected wit and wisdom of airline passengers linked unfortunately does not distinguish between stupidity (claiming that you have a bomb to get through security faster) and seemingly sensible questions that get at the heart of the problems with the current and long-running engagement of Homeland Security Theater. (It's also hard to know whether some passengers might have innocently thought their tone, facial expression, body language or context would have served as notice that they weren't actually threatening murder.)
Repeats the same three anecdotes 11 times. Stupid people will say the word "bomb" sarcastically. Headline news.
I was going through security one time and had to be patted down. The guy behind me in line decided to be a joker and made a comment along the lines of "they could at least give you a drink for this!". I was really expecting them to unleash the dogs on him for that, but they let him through with just the usual scan. I'm not sure if he would have been so lucky had we been at a larger airport.
So I would say the TSA agents do have some latitude on what they do - but I wouldn't recommend testing it if you want to make it on time to your flight.
Damn_registrars has no butt-hole. Damn_registrars has no use for a butt-hole.
If you say the wrong thing you go to jail but if you try to smuggle on a suspected bottle of liquid explosive they just toss it in the trash and let you get on the plane.
The layout of this article was awful. Here's the print version so you can see them all on one page.
Taking guns away from the 99% gives the 1% 100% of the power.
One was merely insensitive: the passenger asked a flight attendant if she'd ever been hijacked. Is causing butthurt a federal crime now?
Gamingmuseum.com: Give your 3D accelerator a rest.
...was the bomb.
I have a very similar sense of humor, and could see saying something like this. But not at airport. And not at the TSA. I don't know if people just lack the common sense or the social skills to realize this is not the right place or time. And it sounds like in most cases they get checked 'just in case' but nothing too over the top. If someone was charged for making a bad joke, then I'd be complaining that the TSA was over the top as well.
I will shred my adversaries. Pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewing, mutilated faces. Illyria
The best part is this: http://www.networkworld.com/community/blog/hockey-sticks-pocket-knives-and-billiard-cues-among-carry-items-tsa-will-soon-let-onboard-planes
So, the TSA is still going to judge us for potential thoughtcrime, grope us, and detain people for making (albeit stupid) jokes, but they're going to let POCKETKNIVES back onto planes? Really?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of a pocketknife. I'm just amused (horrified) that they're letting the thing that caused this whole mess back on the plane, but not abolishing the TSA or their fascist policies.
Support the EFF and Creative Commons. The war is coming, and they're supporting you...
"...invisible to your imaging scanners."
Then, watch them sorting it out.
Ezekiel 23:20
The first time I flew was in the 70's and I can remember seeing signs at the security checkpoints warning against joking about guns or bombs. It's not something distinctive to the TSA.
Proverbs 21:19
OK. Here's the deal. If they take it seriously and believe me when I say "I have a bomb," then why would they distrust me when I say "I don't have a bomb or gun or knife or anything dangerous" and let me skip the screening. Really, WTF? They're gonna search everyone, right? Then why the fuck do they care what they say? Because catching smartasses is easier than catching terrorists?
I am not a crackpot.
Yeah, yeah, it's really dumb to suggest you have a bomb at the airport. But, in reality, if a terrorist was trying to detonate a bomb at the airport or on a plane, they wouldn't tell anyone. The whole reason for the overreaction from the TSA is because they think if there really was a bomb they would look extra dumb if it turned out the terrorist told them about the bomb and they still didn't find it.
If some guy says he has a bomb, but he clearly doesn't, he's either an idiot or trying to create a distraction. By closing down the airport, you either allow his idiocy to cause real damage to the economy and inconvenience people. If he was trying to create a distraction, you allowed him to succeed.
Obviously if someone might actually be a real threat, you do what needs to be done to keep people safe. But in every single one of these cases, it seems that it could be ascertained fairly quickly that they pose no real threat even if they suggested they might. I don't mind questioning these idiots in the back for a few hours, but let everything else continue normally.
What - real - terrorist would say in the face of the security that he have a bomb (or better, a nuclear one) in your luggage?
Religion: The greatest weapon of mass destruction of all time
None of them are actually funny, at least in print. Nearly all involve passengers attempting to say "I have a bomb" in a humorous manner in some capacity. Now I'd love to see the TSA abolished as much as the next Slashdotter, but I for one don't find bomb jokes funny in the context of an airport.
Now, if you want to read something regarding airlines that are actually funny, might I recommend either this or this, or this.
So some people claim they have a bomb to go through a security theatre zone faster? Where are they rushing to? Gitmo?
You can't handle the truth.
The first "this" in the prior post is supposed to be this link:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm
Next time, I shall use the 'preview' button to actually preview.
An Atlanta passenger approached a flight attendant and asked her if she had ever been hijacked before.
I'm guessing since it made it into the TSA hall of shame, it didn't work out too well.
My thinking behind this is that the TSA hired someone to put the guns there, intentionally get caught by the scanners, and make headlines about the find to make it seem like the TSA is doing some good.
Then does the TSA hire them?
There is nothing wrong with yr Internet. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling the transmission - NSA
You obviously are not human and never had said silly things while stressed. For some people, the TSA security checkpoint is a giant source of anxiety. Couple that with the fact that what they are doing is not strictly Constitutional, you can understand why people are going to be silly sometimes.
Good-bye
We're a Police State Superpower.
There's a difference.
-- Tigger warning: This post may contain tiggers! --
A few years ago I made the mistake of grabbing something to eat outside the SeaTac security theater zone when I was in a hurry. There was no line (very late at night) but the flight was leaving soon, so I asked "Does my burrito constitute a 'tube of gel' or can I take it through to the boarding area?" Three luggage monkeys wearing aviator glasses at night and a harrumphing silverback later, they came to a conclusion.
They x-rayed my burrito.
How is it possible for me to take them seriously? I do risk management for a living, and -- while my jackass question and their retarded response was funny at the time -- there's no way to examine the situation that doesn't indicate heightened overall risk due to bewildered agents looking for irrelevant indicators. Sure, morons joking about a bomb and the forgetful gun-toter need to be weeded out, but neither is a material risk to the lives of anyone on a flight. A good revamp of the TSA would start from undesirable risk outcomes and work its way back to a determination of effective controls... nah. Not gonna happen.
I think not...(*poof*)
Never greet him at the airport.
How many loaded guns got through security before the TSA?
I guess since a broken clock is right 2 times a day we can all drop the "it doesn't work" mantra.
My father (a lawyer) defended a woman once who did just that. She had a permit for it and traveled on bus to go from Detroit to Dallas, and when flying back, forgot to take it out of her handbag. Given the things I've found in my wife's handbag, I can believe it. She traveled for a family emergency and initially didn't pack for a flight at all.
Learn to love Alaska
Saying silly things is one thing but saying "I have a bomb" or "I'm going to blow this airport up" is another. Saying "Fucking asshole, you stupid idiot" is more of a normal response to getting stressed and mad. In the later case you haven't threatened the life of everyone in the airport and the surrounding area so you'll get lip back and off you go. In the first case your going to get hit with policemen, charges and if all that happens is you get removed from the airport count yourself lucky.
There is no difference between what you can say when your thinking straight and when your stressed, it's not a flip switch where the law will just consider a stressed out message as "Oh he / she didn't mean that, it's all good", people who are stressed have done things ranging from blowing up building, shooting up schools, committing murder and etc.... So if your stressed and want to make a pronounced threat then deal with the fact your going to get backlash.
I guess Mormon missionaries sometimes/frequently get in trouble at airports because they will refer to the Book of Mormon as the B.O.M. and somebody will overhear them.
At least, this was a story I heard way back when, pre 9/11 days.
The X-ray machine for the bags, and the metal detector for the people are all you need to find guns. All the rest of it is just theatre.
Is 1563649 a prime number?
I always thought all TSA agents lacked a sense of humor, until my last trip to the airport that is. It was 6:30 in the morning and I had just passed through the body scanner. The TSA agent told me to wait. Then he told me I could continue. While picking up my stuff from the x-ray machine I turned back to him and asked, "Could you see my junk on the screen?" I was surprised he busted out laughing instead of putting me in hand cuffs.
aka the hamburger, don't carry it in your bag or at least, don't call it 'grease bomb' :)
During a bag search at Dallas (DAL), a passenger stated: "I'm a terrorist."
Sure, perhaps that his job, but that doesn't mean he has a bomb or is going to threaten the plane.
He could simply be on his way to a convention, reunion or visit with friends out-of-town.
Even terrorists have mundane things to do - grocery shop, yard/house work, dentist appts...
It must have been something you assimilated. . . .
You know you thought about this. http://xkcd.com/651/
People should be killed for making bad jokes?
Is 1563649 a prime number?
3/10
"Caaaaart!"
I wasnt excusing it, i was merely pointing out that a bullet to the head might be a bit extreme considering the stress level of the checkpoints. When going through a checkpoint, its obvious they are looking for bombs. In moments of stress, its not unreasonable for that word to pop up in a very nervous persons thought stream/utterances. Some people literally do this
Friend A: So what did you do last night?
Friend B, in his head: "dont say 'your mom', dont say 'your mom', dont say 'your mom'"
Friend A: well??????????
Friend B: Your mom........ah shit.....
Good-bye
Lets be clear that a joke is not "I want to kill everyone and everything" which is the same as saying "I have a bomb". If your want to threaten everyone's life even by a joke then why can't someone threaten and carry out an attack on your life? After all it just started as a joke.
I believe in satire. If you're a comedian or writing a blog, joking about bombs may be off-color, but it's protected free speech. There are certain people you just don't threaten, like the president, for good reason, but otherwise say what you want. (Before you get all worked up, it's perfectly fine to say that you hate the president; it's not okay to make jokes about threatening his life. Besides, making death threats about anyone is a criminal act.)
On the other hand, joking about bombs while in the airport is just being a dick. You have the right to be a dick. You STILL have the right to say what you want. But you DON'T have the right to fly. And you don't have the right to adversely impact 1000 other people. If you get arrested for closing down an airport with your stupid bomb joke, it's not the joke that gets you in trouble; its the fact that your joke negatively impacted many other innocent people.
Does the TSA handle these jokes with common sense? No. The TSA itself is not common sense. Sure, we should have tightened security since 9/11, but we all know that the TSA is an elaborate show that does nothing but inconvenience earnest passengers and has no capacity to catch any real threats. The TSA is a fact that should go away, but it is nevertheless a fact. You know damn well what will happen if you make a bomb joke in an airport; the fact that you don't like the TSA doesn't give you the right to disrupt the lives of everyone else trying to travel that day.
They say that yelling "fire" is a crowded threater doesn't qualify as free speech. People can get hurt if you do that. It's not funny and accomplishes nothing useful. So why is yelling "bomb" in an airport any better?
So....is it safe to say their joke bombed?
No? Hey, let me go!
You are aware that making a joke about a bomb won't make a bomb appear in my luggage. I could in fact make jokes about killing you all day with no ill effects other than you getting pissed off at me (maybe some hearing damage if I make the jokes exceptionally loud.)
Is 1563649 a prime number?
I've been trying to come up with the all-time best "Not to sing along to in the TSA line" playlist. Amongst the top songs:
* Janie's Got a Gun - Aerosmith
* Boom Boom Boom Boom - Dr. John
* If I Had a Rocket Launcher - Bruce Cockburn
* Shot With His Own Gun - Elvis Costello (actually about consequences of sex, which makes it doubly good for this list "No, sir, I'm singing a song about a girl getting pregnant!")
* I Don't Like Mondays - Boomtown Rats
* Tear Down the Wall - Pink Floyd
* Rosalita - Bruce Springsteen ("You pick up Little Dynamite, I'm gonna pick up Little Gun")
* Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band
What else? No rap please, it's just too easy.
Design for Use, not Construction!
A couple of my partners were flying back from a con (more than) a few years ago.
Sitting in O'Hare, they started spitballing a terrorism game.
Finally, one of the guys' wives elbowed them and FORCEFULLY reminded them where exactly they were, and the general lack of humor they had about this sort of thing.
So they shut up right?
WRONG.
They continued on, couching everything in euphemisms.
Thus the Ice Cream game (I Scream).
If we ever decide to do it, we'll probably have to start up a throw-away imprint to do so (like White Wolf did with their Black Dog imprint for Hol).
Chas - The one, the only.
THANK GOD!!!
I think it's unreasonable, I would never say it, my girl friend would never say it, my family would never say it. I'm sorry but if your willing to say things that outrageous before thinking then you need to deal with the conscience.
No, but if your going to make the joke then it has to be taken seriously. You made a really bad taste joke and now you have people who have to think you have a bomb on you, which sets a number of actions in motion. So how about before you make that joke you just stop and think about it, then instead make a knock knock joke about oranges and banana's. Extreme lack of judgement is a huge issue and if you lacked to the point you made a joke about a bomb I don't think any reaction is to much.
if the fact that if after you say something about a bomb in an airport, you can be released from custody by saying "Bruce Schneier" to indicate your appreciation for all the actors and actresses at the play.
Good people go to bed earlier.
People do forget they have firearms in their bags, believe it or not.
Sometimes they forget their fucking live grenades as well.
I don't care what your stance on the TSA or gun ownership is, those are dangerous weapons and they ought to be treated with care. If you're forgetting that you have a gun, or a live fucking grenade, then frankly speaking you deserve whatever hassle you get as a result of your carelessness.
Have you ever experienced a panic attack or other anxiety induced mental state? Its not a wholly rational state of mind. IM not saying there should be no consequence, what I am saying is summary execution as detailed by the OP is WAY over the top considering not all humans are completely rational actors and they can and do say incredibly stupid things under stress. If you dont understand that you are either a robot, or have never been exposed to high levels of anxiety.
Good-bye
Wouldn't be surprising - Hoover used to do that with drugs during the early days of the FBI.
Buy a shitload of heroin, take a picture of you and your buddies looking all gangbusters in front of it, and slap that bitch on the front page - instant public support!
An enigma, wrapped in a riddle, shrouded in bacon and cheese
"I have a bomb."
Stress can make people laugh or giggle, even if they don't want to. If people are walking around thinking to themselves "oh my, I better not make any bomb jokes or even accidentally say a word like 'bomb'", it's just like an admonishment that requests "Don't think about penguins!".
.
The admonishment alone inserts thought about penguins into your head. So consciously thinking "don't say anything stupid" could make your brain ask itself "stupid things such as what?" and then your brain cooks up examples and a genuinely nervous person innocently blurts out "so, what do you think, that i have a bomb in there?"
.
And then the excitement begins. This is ridiculous thought-porn torture, people, as part of security theater. And we buy tickets for that security theater every time we purchase a seat on an airliner. We pay to be subjected to this humiliation and useless piece of proof of our obeisance to group-think. It's like the idiotic "Freeze!" tactic exercises being performed at various airports: TSA Freeze Drill links
http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2012/09/tsa_freeze_drill_videod_at_sky.php
http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/general_aviation/read.main/5103484/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/28/tsa-all-stop-drill_n_1923683.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Km0awE1Q2HA
a) If I do indeed have a bomb then unless I'm incredibly stupid it's either going to go off when I die (something akin to a deadman switch), or it's not going to matter whether I'm alive or dead (sms from my boss setting it off).
b) The point of security is to find bombs, if people who had bombs told you about them, we could skip the security checkpoint entirely. If you have a bomb, they'll find it. If you don't have a bomb they won't find one.
c) Overreacting is never a good idea.
Is 1563649 a prime number?
.
"These drills are generally conducted during off-peak hours to minimize disruption, and generally last a minute," said Kristin Lee, a spokeswoman for the agency. The agency conducts a range of security exercises, not all of them in public, to train checkpoint officers, she said.
.
Understood, I said. But still, am I, a citizen, required to stop motionless when the T.S.A. officers yell "freeze"?
It seems like a way to get people to start being subjugated and to prove compliance with any authority figure, regardless of whether or not that "so-called authority figure" has any right to assert that sort of, or any sort of, power at all.
Ya that never works with me, If you say don't think about cheese cake, don't think about the power rangers, don't think about a bomb then after I read it I just wont think of any of that stuff. Before you think about something you have to process the fact your going to think about it, so just stop before you do and you'll be good to go.
Before you you tell me that I'm not the average person, I know at least five other people who "think" the same way, just don't think about it period!
Anyone taking photos of airport security is treated as a terrorist.
It was a smoke grenade. It might have started a fire, but it wouldn't have brought down the plane.
Years ago, when my parents went on their honeymoon, they had a disaster of a trip. Long story short, my mother broke her neck on a hiking expedition and the area they were in had horrid medical care. Then, their plane back got diverted thanks to a storm. My father, who had reached the end of his rope, told the flight attendant that there had BETTER be medical care waiting for his wife when they landed.
When the plane landed, it didn't taxi in, but was surrounded by police and ambulance. Officers stormed the plane asking who had requested medical help and my father and mother were helped off. My father, using poor judgement even for the time, decided NOW was the perfect time to joke around so he whispered to my mother "I guess they found the bomb in the suitcase."
When they finally got home and went to claim their baggage, it was pushed off to one side with chains surrounding it. The person they spoke with said there was a bomb threat. My dad got off without even a warning. Today, he'd be locked up and charged with a federal offense.
My sci-fi novel, Ghost Thief, is now available from Amazon.com.
An old problem, as Dilbert discovered.
I am a Statistician. One false move and you are a Statistic
I'm going to open a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide once the plane gets off the ground.
opting out of the scanner is what every person needs to do.
After learning that his luggage had made a flight that he missed, a Las Vegas (LAS) passenger told the gate agent: "Imagine there was a bomb in my bag. I'm not on plane, and it would explode."
I could write why TSA's response to this comment as a threat is patently stupid - but to do so demeans us all. You guys are paying people to detain anyone who utters the word "bomb" - in any context.
Agent: "It's a millimeter wave scanner, which means..."
Me: "I have a degree in electrical engineering. I know what millimeter wave scanners are. I am not stepping into it because I feel it is a waste of my tax dollars. Don't waste my time any further."
Just show the TSA idiots the respect they deserve (none) and let them do their jobs with the full knowledge that they are less well liked than the IRS.
Palm trees and 8
I totally know what you are talking about here. In times of great stress the thinking part of the brain shuts off (adrenaline) and as you speak your mind can blurt out what you are thinking about - which is usually about bombs or "oh crap did I pack these bags? do I know what's in them - how can I? someone could have slipped drugs in there" -becomes- "drugs"
Similar to the young hopeless guy who says totally the wrong thing with tits in his face.
A blog I run for the wealth
The TSA should just say back "I have a gun" and fire at the persons head, the sooner we can weed out the mentally dysfunctional ( that WEREN'T born that way ) the sooner we can start regaining intelligence.
Absolutely! If every TSA agent would say "I have a gun" and shoot themselves in the head, the mentally dysfunctional population of the US would immediately decrease by a large amount. Still, seems a bit harsh. Plus a few of them would miss, and might hit a passenger or something.
Socialism: a lie told by totalitarians and believed by fools.
Because the terror theatre is based on conductivism. You behave bad, they treat you bad.
I travel a couple of times every year to the U.S. Every year I can see changes in their behaviour, even they seem erratic or random. The last couple of years I''ve felt like the TSA agents are more loose and even smile and talk a like with passengers, but passengers are similarily tamed since 2001. Of course this is my perception, not a scientific research.
People do forget they have firearms in their bags, believe it or not.
I don't believe it. We're talking about a gun, not a pair of socks. They were just hoping to get by. You pack your luggage knowing you're going to the airport, with the TSA goons.
I tend to believe it because I once almost did it. My wife had dropped me off at the airport, and I had to run after the receding car waving like mad to get her attention. Damned if I hadn't forgotten I still had my 9 mm pistol in my pocket.
Great men are almost always bad men--Lord Acton's Corollary
Somehow I get the idea that general US population now has a very low IQ. Maybe its due to sustained pollution or something and not their fault, but there should be a minimum threshold IQ before employing people for security / TSA duties. They should just do the checking and ignore what anyone SAYS. I seriously can not imagine anyone thinking that people who DECLARE they have bombs/guns WILL ACTUALLY HAVE THEM.
A significant percentage of normal people will joke in tense situations. Many of them are used to joking inappropriately in tense situations. By now, most people know better than to treat the TSA as sane, but that doesn't make those who don't abnormal.
(And yes, ditto to your disclaimer, with the caveat that "consistent" cannot not be read as an excuse.)
I won't join Slashcott. OTOH, If Beta goes live, I just won't be back until it's fixed. Sorry Dice.
Linked in TFA was weird things people got flagged for. Who carries a chastity belt onto a plane? Is the Mile High Club to hard to resist?
Vote monkeys into Congress. They are cheaper and more trustworthy.
You drooling fascist retarded monkeys...
A blockbuster was a big bomb during the WWII blitz in London. Now it is used to praise a movie.
Heavy is the head that wears the tinfoil hat.
There was no TSA (this was in the 80's) and I was an airport police officer. Had some great times there. They used to have large (7 foot tall) wooden signs that read "WARNING! - It is a federal crime to even joke about having a gun or bomb" This was in large letters, and next to the carry on search x-ray machines. I happen to be standing next to that sign one day and a kid (about 20) said "Ha ha... Guess what? I have a gun in my bag"... I replied "Ha ha... Guess what? You're going to jail". He didn't believe me :)
The day Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck, it will be known as the Microsoft Vaccuum Cleaner!
But it's for your own safety.