Slashdot Mirror
Amazon Selects Their Favorite Fake Customer Reviews
An anonymous reader writes "Amazon's just created a new web page where they're officially acknowledging fake reviews posted by their customers — and they've even selected their own favorites . ('I was very disappointed to have my uranium confiscated at the airport. It was a gift for my son for his birthday. Also, I'm in prison now, so that's not good either...') On the front page of Amazon, in big orange letters, Amazon posted 'You guys are really funny.'And then — next to a funny picture of a rubber horse head mask — Amazon's linked to a list of some of the very best satirical reviews their customers have submitted over the years, noting fondly that 'occasionally customer creativity goes off the charts in the best possible way...'"
It wasn't me, it was the other guy.
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
I remember a great evening with the family when we were reading reviews for laxatives and other products like it. It's just so funny for people to be open about their, er, regular habits. Some samples:
"I used to be constipated for several days at a time for over 20 years before I started taken Swiss Kriss herbal laxative. I gave this herbal laxative 5 stars, because it works every time I use it. I never cramp. It's just a smooth move everyone should try."
"I have ALWAYS had a problem with constipation. Even when I was a child I had problems. Now at 55, I have learned I'm allergic to all DAIRY products which has helped tremendously, but still have a problem with constipation. Swiss Kriss is the ONLY product that my doctor will let me take every day. I take FOUR tablets at bedtime and I do not have any problems. I recommend it highly! BUT, until you know how many you will need to take, I'd only start out taking ONE tablet and then adding to it, only if needed."
"I actually never heard of this product till I read a biography about Louis Armstrong recently. Amongst Louis' many quirks and talents, he was actually a very health-conscience guy. He was into various techniques to keep his weight down and in general, stay healthier. This product was something he liked so much, swore by in fact, that he'd offer little packets of it to friends and associates he'd meet (even offering some to the British Royal Family during his visit in the U.K.). He also did a few commercials for them. Sooo, how could I pass that up?! I tried it myself and Pops had it right. This stuff has been around for a looong time and still works like a charm."
"I went to my favorite restaurant and ordered one of everything on the left on the menu...I felt...a feeling, I sensed an urgency, like a clogged pipe was my colon after that meal I've always had 'butt' issues btw I drove slowly through the bad side of town looking for a drugstore, looking for a way out of my 'condition.' I managed to locate an all night drive thru pharmacy with the word 'relief' posted clearly in the window. I parked, got out of my vintage Studebaker and proceeded to bang on the window pleading for a product that would take my pain away. [...] These pills do work...they just work too good...YOUR LIFE WILL BE FOREVER ALTERED AFTER USING THIS...THIS...'product.' Why is it $5.49 a bottle? I wouldn't pay more than $5.38."
I'm reading this while wearing my three wolf moon shirt. It's the best shirt in the world, if only it glowed in the dark.
Looking for a computer support specialist for your small business? Check out
one of my favorites: Epic all-situation survivor's kit
Slashdot ya no es que lo era!
By Maurice Cobbs "Better Living through Evil Science"
You've had a busy play day - You've wiretapped Mom's cell phone and e-mail without a warrant, you've indefinitely detained your little brother Timmy in the linen closet without trial, and you've confiscated all the Super-Soakers from the neighborhood children (after all, why does any kid - besides you, of course - even NEED a Super-Soaker for self-defense? A regular water pistol should be enough). What do you do for an encore?
That's where the US Air Force Medium Altitude, Long Endurance, Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) RQ-1 Predator from Maisto comes in. Let's say that Dad has been labeled a terrorist in secret through your disposition matrix. Rather than just arrest him and go through the hassle of trying and convicting him in a court of law, and having to fool with all those terrorist-loving Constitutional protections, you can just use one of these flying death robots to assassinate him! Remember, due process and oversight are for sissies. Plus, you get the added bonus of taking out potential terrorists before they've even done anything - estimates have determined that you can kill up to 49 potential future terrorists of any age for every confirmed terrorist you kill, and with the innovative 'double-tap' option, you can even kill a few terrorist first responders, preventing them from committing terrorist acts like helping the wounded and rescuing survivors trapped in the rubble. Don't let Dad get away with anti-American activities! Show him who's boss, whether he's at a wedding, a funeral, or just having his morning coffee. Sow fear and carnage in your wake! Win a Nobel Peace Prize and be declared Time Magazine's Person of the Year - Twice!
This goes well with the Maisto Extraordinary Rendition playset, by the way - which gives you all the tools you need to kidnap the family pet and take him for interrogation at a neighbor's house, where the rules of the Geneva Convention may not apply. Loads of fun!
Read http://www.amazon.com/review/RXXPVOUH9NLL3
I'll quote the first stanza:
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
http://theworstthingsforsale.com/
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!
And my personal favorite review of the banana slicer:
I would rate this product as just okay. It's kind of cheaply made. But it works better than the hammer I've been using to slice my bananas.
Tic-Tac-Toe, Global Thermonuclear War, and relationships all have the same winning move.
I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the reviews on this page yet for Denon's AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable, a $500 gold-connector CAT5 cable. Possibly the greatest fake reviews on Amazon.com
Oh, wait. It's mentioned on TFA. Well, since nobody reads that anyway so can we still say I was the first guy to mention it? Plus, they deserve being mentioned twice anyway ;-)
TFS says that this is featured on Amazon's front page. Amazon's "front page" is whatever it thinks will induce a given individual to spend money.
There is no Amazon, there is only your ever-diminishing will power. And every other site on the internet is playing catch-up.
Don't encourage them. Maybe it was funny the first few times, now every dumb asshole with delusions of wit goes on there and tries to make funny. It had officially jumped the shark when some political satire rocket surgeons went to the binders and made a Hie-Larious joke about Romney's binders and binders of women.
Yes, I'm getting old and jaded and find less and less of Internet hilarity to be all that funny any more.
More like it's been visible from the front page for at least a few months now. It's been one of the items in regular circulation right under that topmost section of the page where they advertise their various services and products.
Even so, if you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth a read. The Three Wolf Moon shirt and $10,000 Denon cable are, of course, on there, but so are a surprising array of other items.
The Editorial Page of the Washington Post will now be assembled from carefully selected Amazon reviews.
http://www.amazon.com/Story-about-Reading-Railroad-Books/dp/0448421658/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_z
Amazon wiped my old wish list for no apparent reason, so I've been using my new one mostly to track humorous reviews
http://amzn.com/w/2MQ4CMS9RE1O7
To be clear, I don't actually want most of these items, please don't buy me any of them.
Especially the 55 gallon drum of lube.
Wolf Urine Lure-32 oz
One for the cellar
One is immediately drawn to this vintage by the colour, which is an elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose. It has an incredibly effervescent bead -- the whole glass teams with bubbles -- culminating in a frothy layer at the head.
The palate has panache, with a firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence. As with most Chateau Deerbuster products, this has the signature leafy-fresh character, which softens into a slight rancid feel towards the end.
Even though it has a rather short and crisply defined finish, I still believe this has the composition and acidity to age well in the cellar of any self-respecting urine connoisseur.
Good and bad...
This product gets three stars and here's why:
Good: This is soooooooo much easier than trying to get the Wolf Urine directly from a Wolf. Wolves are, from my experience, VERY possessive of their urine. Until the advent of the The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee (which acts to calm the wolves) let's just say vicious bites and deep lacerations were the norm when trying to "milk" the wolves of their urine (how else can you get it?). Even with the The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee it was never easy. This product had changed all of that!
Bad: As a lure this thing sucks. I can't even get a hook into it. It's liquid! HELLOOOOOO??? Who makes a lure out of liquid??? Shiny plastic, rubber, or metal, sure, but liquid? No, this is a serious design flaw.
Fresh Whole Rabbit
I know what it's like to be a feral dog
Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.
Slashdot ya no es que lo era!
The RoboMow RL850 Robotic Cordless Electric Lawn Mower.
Customer Action Shot Posted by: Hal
Check the reviews on this one:
Playmobil Security Check Point "Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in a ever growing fascist state looks like." http://www.amazon.com/PLAYMOBIL%C2%AE-36138-Playmobil-Security-Check/product-reviews/B0002CYTL2
What is that this has been going on for a long time and Amazon has let it continue without comment. Not so cool management is still on board, but still good to see a megacorporation with a genuine sense of humor as opposed to obvious ad agency promotions.
I was about to buy the Wenger based on his review, up until he mentioned penguins in the Arctic Circle. After that, I found it difficult to trust anything he had said.
Disappointed that they did not choose Harry Raddick's reviews. By far the most entertaining reviewer they've ever had. EVER.
Read them here...
My favorite was this geeky one for a can of Uranium Ore:
"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."
-
- - You can't take something off the Internet! That's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.
They could of linked to this page alone,reviews aware of the attempted rape of their bank accounts
http://www.amazon.com/Avoid-Huge-Ships-John-Trimmer/product-reviews/0870334336/ref=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
"Capt. Trimmer's book were none too useful in my efforts to avoid huge ships, as I was recently struck by a very large ship indeed, a cruise vessel called the 'Costa Concordia'....Capt. Trimmer's advice would have been immensely beneficial to humans, fish, seabirds, and other animals, but I am none of those things. I'm a big rock."
This gem was written about Wolfram's "A New Kind of Science":
Why you are reading this review
I can only imagine how fortunate you must feel to be reading my review. This review is the product of my lifetime of experience in meeting important people and thinking deep thoughts. This is a new kind of review, and will no doubt influence the way you
think about the world around you and the way you think of yourself.
Bigger than infinity
Although my review deserves thousands of pages to articulate, I am limiting many of my deeper thoughts to only single characters. I encourage readers of my review to dedicate the many years required to fully absorb the significance of what I am writing here. Fortunately, we live in exactly the time when my review can be widely disseminated by "internet" technology and stored on "digital media", allowing current and future scholars to delve more deeply into my original and insightful use of commas, numbers, and letters.
My place in history
My review allows, for the first time, a complete and total understanding not only of this but *every single*
book ever written. I call this "the principle of book equivalence." Future generations will decide the relative merits of this review compared with, for example, the works of Shakespeare. This effort will open new realms of scholarship.
I am the author of all things
It is staggering to contemplate that all the great works of literature can be derived from the letters I use in writing this review. I am pleased to have shared them with you, and hereby grant you the liberty to use up to twenty (20) of them consecutively without attribution. Any use of additional characters in print must acknowledge this review as source material since it contains, implicitly or explicitly, all future written documents.
The dozens of Amazon 'reviews' for three-ring binders posted after the last October's Presidential debate, referencing Mitt Romney's infamous "we had binders full of women" boast, were classic and a pioneer in the genre of wiki humor. I think a bunch of people discovered their inner talent for writing "Top Ten" lists.
O. M. G. This is a geek site and somehow nobody has yet mentioned "The Story about Ping"?
Here's the product page: http://www.amazon.com/Story-about-Reading-Railroad-Books/dp/0448421658
Go read the first review NOW. You're welcome!
And no its not in their list.
Silence is a state of mime.
How has this gone unnoticed?
http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Natural-Water-Based-Lubricant-Gallon/dp/B005MR3IVO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376617457&sr=8-1&keywords=55+gallon+drum+of+lube
I'm sorry, are we supposed to scold them for featuring these fake reviews? Just the way the summary was written, sounded like 'amazon embraces fake reviews and doesn't care! zomg!'
Because some of them are actually pretty fucking funny :D
" I started playing with it on the bus on my way to work, and I accidentally impregnated the woman sitting next to me. "
Lawrence Johnson | 12 reviewers made a similar statement
If you want a vision of the future, imagine a youtube comments section scrolling - forever.
http://www.amazon.com/JL421-Badonkadonk-Land-Cruiser-Tank/dp/B00067F1CE/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t
surprised Amazon doesn't quote on their sources, as most of those reviews have been published on "Uhpinion", the sister site of Lamebook
classy move, throwing your affiliate link in there.
Or http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Natural-Water-Based-Lubricant-Gallon/dp/B005MR3IVO
have to read the reviews too.
Paying taxes to buy civilization is like paying a hooker to buy love.
How can we be sure that this isn't an government plot to catch uranium smugglers and that all of us who read the reviews on uranium ore (then proceeded to find the best price for it) won't have our doors brok.... I SWEAR, I WAS JUST READING THE FUNNY REVIEWS! STOP POURING THE WATER ON MY FACE!
My favorite is the 1000+ reviews for Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff.
FWIW I think many slashdotters will find one of these reviews to be the funniest: http://www.amazon.com/Developing-Drivers-Windows-Driver-Foundation/product-reviews/0735623740/ref=cm_cr_dp_qt_hist_one?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addOneStar&showViewpoints=0 Enjoy!
I looked at his reviews over a month ago and he's been at it for a while. I guess I should read up if he's been at it again lately.
I was promised a flying car. Where is my flying car?
Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon: http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Natural-Water-Based-Lubricant-Gallon/dp/B005MR3IVO
4.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Veterinary applications October 12, 2011
"As a Fertility Specialist for Pachyderms, this was exactly what we needed to help rebuild elephant populations all over sub-saharan africa. It's not all just Medications and IVF treatments. Some times you need a loudspeaker, a Barry White CD and a 55 Gallon drum of Lube."
I purchase as much uranium as I can afford and throw it in a pile in the basement. A few more cans and it will go critical . Who needs nuclear power form the power company when you can roll your own, Cut out the middle man!! Woo hoo!!
I don't necessarily expect Amazon to place high value on this classic review of a children's story but I am disappointed in the slashdot readership that The Story of Ping wasn't mentioned. At least not in my old person's lazy perusal of the comments.
http://abstrusegoose.com/527
#
#\ @ ? Colonize Mars
#
penguins in the Arctic Circle
They're just using their frequent flyer bonus miles up.
"Little does he know, but there is no 'I' in 'Idiot'!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376658253&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+for+men
I would advise against eating or drinking whilst reading this, at least if you value your keyboard. Also, possibly NSFW.
The reviews are brilliant, of course. But if you really want a laugh, look at all of the user submitted images. I'm talking pee-your-pants funny.
1. Link to a page on Amazon, and get it on Slashdot
2. Include your referral code, and hope no one notices
3. Profit.
Not impressed.
"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty." Whoever wrote that step up, I know you're in here.
Hudson Hongo's http://leasthelpful.com/ has some pretty odd reviews. His are allegedly *not* intentionally absurd.
https://app.box.com/WitthoftResume Code: https://github.com/cellocgw
...wolf (and fox) urine is useful stuff. If your attic becomes infested with squirrels or other small mammals, put a few (literally, just 5 or 6) drops in the attic and they'll skedaddle. Now seal up whatever hole they were using to get in and your problem is solved.
This explains why Amazon never deletes obvious fake reviews. They like fake reviews, I guess. At least the positive fake reviews (most fake reviews are positive) help to generate sales.