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NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Data
reifman writes "Perhaps the reason the NSA's surveillance programs are so unpopular with Americans is that we haven't seen any of the potential consumer benefits that spying and big data can provide. Here are ten ideas for the productization and monetization of the NSA's spying infrastructure to inspire Americans to consider the bright side of the dark arts." In case anyone doesn't notice, these suggestions (at least most of them) are presented tongue-in-cheek; a truly secure email system, though, is another story.
Oh.....wait..
Nice to see the slashdot effect still ruining servers from time to time
That will surely be a kick!
Ideas to sell this? Here's a few... 1. The constitution, the foundation and framework of law on which the nation (and all conceptually contained within it) was built upon forbids it. 2. Communism or the many shades of it shouldn't be a real big seller in the U.S. unless we'd like to see Jewish barbeques or some other race on the grill depending upon the bar code series tat on your wrist. 3. See #1.
For a small monthly fee, you can retrieve your company e-mails directly from the NSA. Although this will not help with the fact that your "politically connected" competitor will soon inevitably put you out of business due to having all your trade secrets, it does simplify remembering the e-mail address of that guy you think might want to buy the office furniture.
~ Whence do you come, slayer of men, or where are you going, conqueror of space?
Here are ten ideas on how to spend the money that should be taken away from the NSA. . .
1.) Buy as much bacon as possible before the Chinese decide they need it all for themselves.
2.) I lied about ten, well, because bacon.
So they can intercept and fulfill requests for slashdotted articles.
I eat only the real part of complex carbohydrates.
"Perhaps the reason the NSA's surveillance programs are so unpopular with Americans..."
Um, I don't think this is really true. So far we haven't seen a real push back on the NSA programs by the general public. It's one of the things that scares the crap out of me about the whole situation: Joe Sixpack and Lisa Liberal don't seem to care.
I browse on +1 so AC's need not respond, I won't see it.
The /. article said you had 10 ways, now you have 503 ways.
Now where is the "next" button? I'm only seeing method #1, "guru meditation."
In case anyone doesn't notice, these sentences (at least most of them) are presented tongue-in-cheek; a meditation of a guru, though, is another story.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
The NSA will eventually get so good with its data collection algorithms that it will be able to know what you will write, 2 posts in advance. This will doubtfully create a sentient internet with our collective conscious.
Ideas to sell this?
Check out the Gruen Transfer's videos. They ran with this idea a few weeks ago and asked two Australian ad agencies to compete for the production of the best ad to support ASIO spying on Australians,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JinOn0fu-u0
"I've got more toys than Teruhisa Kitahara."
I know this is satire, but fuck you
If want some sympathy, don't look outside. The future of the country is on stake by the actions of the ones that are in power. So, spy on all of them, report to the public (and justice) any misbehavior, bribe, abuse, etc and that threat could be subverted. After all working for america is not working for some particular rich guys but for all its citizens.
Ideas to sell this? Here's a few...
1. The constitution, the foundation and framework of law on which the nation (and all conceptually contained within it) was built upon forbids it.
2. Communism or the many shades of it shouldn't be a real big seller in the U.S. unless we'd like to see Jewish barbeques or some other race on the grill depending upon the bar code series tat on your wrist.
3. See #1.
Who would eat Jews? They probably don't even taste like pork!
In the free world the media isn't government run; the government is media run.
lol
maybe if far less then 50% VOTED YOU COULD then ALL CLAIM they DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO be THERE CAUSE YOU DIDNT VOTE CAUSE none WAS WORTH VOTING FOR.
Joe Sixpack and Lisa Liberal don't seem to care.
Some people have been studying the phenomenon of "upheval" in it's generic form. It's spawned a lot of studies/papers and even popular books, viz: The Tipping Point.
The overall summary is that you can't just point out how bad something is, you have to give people an action they can take to help fix the problem.
There is widespread distrust, anger, and annoyance at the NSA due to the revelations. There's no public outrage because there's really nothing anyone can do. "Joe Sixpack" has no actions to take: voting doesn't help, writing congresscritters doesn't help, even public mass demonstrations don't seem to help. What you are seeing is Learned Helplessness: an animal doesn't take actions to help themselves, because they're convinced that the actions will have no effect.
Consider the recent history of cell phones or music distribution: people were complaining that cell phones were a walled ecology with no innovation and poor functionality. You had to get carrier approval to run a program on a cell phone, and they would only allow the simplest, meager functionality. You were lucky if your carrier allowed you to have tetris.
People complained that if you wanted music, you had to purchase a physical CD, for an ensemble collection and for an exorbitant fee. Usually you had to purchase an entire CD for a single song you liked.
As soon as an option was given, people flocked to the new systems in droves, uptake was very fast.
Make secure E-mail easy to use with trivial installation and the situation will change overnight. There will be a flood of new users.
Everyone hates the situation, but for most people there's nothing they can do about it.
If you're having trouble seeing the live site, you can view the article here in the google cache: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://jeffreifman.com/2013/10/20/ten-ways-to-make-nsa-spying-popular-with-americans/?sdot
I know this is satire, but fuck you
Dude, really?
Check out John Cleese's lecture on creativity.
Then tell me if you're one of the people who believe in absolute solemnity for certain subjects, that they cannot be joked about in any way.
By way of illustration, here's a parody of torture.
Now that NSA got all the buddy lists neatly compiled wouldn't it be easy for the U.S. Marshall to peruse some of those "buddy lists" to shore up the credentials of their protected witnesses under the "Witness Protection Program" ?
They have a nice facility in Utah.
They already had 10 bouts of fire inside that spanking new utility, only 2 of those they have identified the causes of the fire.
Of the other 8 fires the causes still remain unknown
Even Slashdot has covered the news of the fires, twice
http://slashdot.org/topic/datacenter/nsa-datacenter-delayed-1yr-after-series-of-explosive-electrical-failures/
and
http://slashdot.org/story/13/10/08/1457235/nsas-new-utah-data-center-suffering-meltdowns
Muchas Gracias, Señor Edward Snowden !
Cool, communist genocide doesn't seem so bad if they don't really need us anyway, they will speak for us, oh wait, they already do that.
... For instance in an AP poll, nearly 60 percent of Americans said they oppose the NSA collecting data about their telephone and Internet usage ...
Even if 99% of the Americans say they oppose it still doesn't matter.
Saying is NOTHING.
What is need right now is for Americans to ACT.
But are we seeing the Americans doing anything ?
Nope.
As long as MOST of the Americans remain complacent and do NOTHING, them fuckers gonna take advantage of the it and will conjure up much more despicable stuffs in order to "keep us safe from ourselves".
Muchas Gracias, Señor Edward Snowden !
I didn't feel very jokey-jokey about the subject, so I decided to write a short story for the treasonous bastards of the NSA. Hope you like it assholes, hope it makes you think about what the future will bring. I am channeling Phillip K. Dick today. Or perhaps I was inspired by this.
________
LAST WISH
It was a bright little office with an official seal and large letters on the door: The Pact. A hole in the wall really. A series of blurred young faces, documents to sign. A ten minute 'psych' interview with pointless questions, presumably to check his mental fitness, or perhaps to kill time while they ran a more complete background check of family and friends to ensure there were no lawsuits waiting in the wings. No matter, he knew he would sail through it easily, and made small talk with a faceless young man. A formality.
They led him down a hallway to a large silent room with a comfortable chair in the middle. "The flat panels on the armrests respond to your touch, and to some extent you can steer or pause the content." Then with a wordless nod the technician leaves the room through a doorway that secures with an gentle click. The lights dim slowly.
Points of light surround him which grow into images; sounds rise all around. It is a mosaic, computer constructed but at times seemingly guided by an artist's hand. Images of him as an old man, as a young man. Yearbook photos, recent photos. Various favorite musics, voices he recognizes as his own, friends, others. He even recognized some things from the ancient website 'Facebook', the company long dissolved and its data merged by Congressional decree into the Federal Cloud. But this is just the beginning.
It is what they refer to as the 'personal public torrent', a period of media gathered from all possible sources for which there exists a 'contract of assent'. You can access it for a fee, even take a copy with you for an additional fee. He knows however that the show will not last long, he has led a mostly solitary life unworthy of note. They will mostly spare him everything: long blurry shots of his back, walking down empty corridors, sitting at his desk. He knew a camera was nearby though he never bothered to spot it, not once in 30 years. Now there is an incredible mosaic filling the screen. It is Times Square full of people. Popups appear with his face from different angles and a red line traces across the mosaic indicating his walking path. But they are just showing off, he thinks. Anyway he is walking alone and he remembers that night as one of sadness, she was out of his life then. He is grateful when it passes quickly. Perhaps they sensed his mood. Family photos now, so distant in the past they could be for someone else.
They have done their job well. He has not glimpsed her or heard her voice even once. It had been late in the evening when he found the brief official note, pursuant to such and such public law, she was being 'unpersoned' and her effects would be removed from the cloud. She had left for work that morning with a kiss and had simply not returned. He remembered when they first met, she would chide him for not speaking out along with her, not joining the Cause, going with her to meetings. He would tease her in return, telling here to be plain and boring, that is the way to avoid trouble. That faded dog-eared copy of 1984 she would wave at him like a bible and slap on the table as she spoke. Her face so beautiful then.
He was grateful when the public torrent finally slowed then ceased. If he knew how he would have ended it sooner. It was as if they were tormenting him, with relish, for these lonely years that had passed uncounted.
The screens now display in total darkness a horizontal red line and flashing question mark. A soft female voice. "The public torrent has ended. Proceed to the exit now and the fee is due. If you choose to stay the fee will be waived and you will be bound to the Pact. To continue, tap both hands twice
<blink>down the rabbit hole</blink>
The danger of spying on your own citizens can never be underestimated.
Just think of how the NSA will be able to influence any future election by disclosing the private information it has gathered about the candidates.
I'm sure many Australians would be fine with the ASIO spying on Australians as long as all the Australians also get the same level of information on Australian leaders and politicians.
"If they're not doing anything wrong they have nothing to fear" right?
Can't read the article (server slashdotted?), but, since they have the data-center anyway, I suggest they start a "free" social network, a "free" web-based email service, and a "free" search engine.
If Pandora's box is destined to be opened, *I* want to be the one to open it.
it's just a blog post so...
Ten Ways to Make NSA Spying Popular with Americans
posted by REIFMAN OCTOBER 20,2013 in FEATURED, HUMOR
With a more entrepreneurial focus, the NSA could easily counteract the current unpopularity of its surveillance programs and eliminate concerns over the cost of its multi-billion dollar programs.
Here are ten services the NSA could offer to make its spying more popular with Americans and offset the costs of its massive data collection:
1. Make flying easier. Since the NSA knows who the terrorists are, it can generate proceeds from “Not a Terrorist” badges which allow the wearer to bypass security screenings. For an additional fee, it will text you ahead of time if you’re booked in the middle seat between two lumberjacks.
2. Simplifying tax time. Since the NSA knows everything about our finances and credit card transactions, it will file your return with the IRS. Never be audited again.
3. Data recovery. Lose your phone? The NSA will restore your contact list. Hard drive fail? No worries, the NSA will rebuild it from the cloud.
4. Avoid annoying people. The NSA’s new mobile app will help you identify and avoid specific people. Is that chatty coworker in the restroom? Know before you go. Never run into your ex again.
5. Find your teenager. Kid out past curfew? AT&T and Verizon won’t help? Don’t guess. The NSA’s mobile app will pinpoint your teenager on a moment’s notice.
6. Private investigations. Is the guy you’re dating married? Is your spouse having an affair? There’s no need to hire a private investigator. The NSA will monitor the activities of those around you and email you if there’s anything you should know.
7. Improving relationships. Need to playback that conversation with your partner from 3 days ago where they’d agreed to cancel dinner reservations with your mom? No problem, the NSA audio cloud (built in to iOS and Android) will make it easy to retrieve.
8. Unlimited remote access to data. Out of dropbox space? Need a file from home or from your ex-boyfriend’s computer? No problem, the NSA’s cloud file store has it.
9. Access to medical records. Need to lookup an x-ray for your doctor? Want genetic testing reports on your date? The NSA mobile app has that too.
10. Truly secure email services. Using email encryption is hard, a surveillance-free email service would be super popular right now.
If you have more ideas for the NSA, with the hashtag #NSAapps.
Anons need not reply. Questions end with a question mark.
I was at the hospital recently to get an HIV blood test. After I paid, the lady said I could go home. I said "But nobody has taken any blood out of me yet!" Truely, the NSA is good, but they're not THAT good! I think. Maybe they are that good. That would be convenient. No need to send your girlfriend in for a pregnancy check; just e-mail nsapao@nsa.gov and get the results over the Internet.
You do remember that "war on terrorism" is not enough, we need "war on everything" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G0w0JBpcMA
Instead of you calling in sick, your workplace will call you and tell you to stay home for the next five days, since you showed elevated body temperature on yesterdays IR pictures and they don't want you to spread the germs to your coworkers.
Ten ways to make NSA spying popular with Americans
Show me the people of your country doing something about it, and I will take your US bashing seriously.
In my country we are worse off and people has no way to "act". It's easy to make demands for others, but how about "acting" yourself? You might be known as a "hero" and everything.
Your post is also "saying", by the way. By your definition, it's "NOTHING".
If only there was someone to Chase that goal.
When Manning or Assange, or Snowden or others spy on government, they don't like it, but when they spy on us, they expect us to be happy about it.