Blowing Up a Pointless Job Interview

Nemo the Magnificent writes "Ever been asked a question in a job interview that's just so abysmally stupid, you're tempted to give in to the snark and blow the whole thing up? Here are suggested interview-ending answers to 16 of the stupidest questions candidates actually got asked in interviews at tech companies in 2013, according to employment site Glassdoor. Oil to pour on the burning bridges."

Comments

Interview ending question

[Anonymous Coward]

"Do you have any weaknesses?"
"Yes, I hate stupid interview questions"

Re:Interview ending question

[ifiwereasculptor]

I actually did this once (did not get the job, despite being recommended by a friend who worked there):

-Name three of your strengths.
-Well... I'm honest and... let's see... I'm reasonably quick to spot and diagnose flaws in any given system... and I'd say I'm creative.
-Good. And do you have any weaknesses?
-I'm a liar.

Re:Interview ending question

[Anonymous Coward]

-I'm a liar.

You're hired! Your new job involves lying to customers.

Re:Interview ending question

[ifiwereasculptor]

You have no idea how right you are. It was for a position in marketing.

Re:Interview ending question

[Gort65]

"Do you have any weaknesses?" "Kryptonite."

In that case, you might want to add an inability to correctly put on underwear.

Re:Interview ending question

[NFN_NLN]

"Do you have any weaknesses?"
"Yes, I hate stupid interview questions"

Seen this joke but never used it.

Q: List one of your weaknesses.
A: I'm honest.
Q: I don't think that's a weakness.
A: I don't give a shit what you think.

Re:Interview ending question

[__aaltlg1547]

"Do you have any weaknesses?"

"Wow, you ARE a rube. Look, when you read the manual -- you did read the manual didn't you?-- where it says you should try to discover any weakness in the interview candidate, it means you're supposed to be subtle, not come right out and ask. Because they candidate is NEVER going to just come right out and tell you about his weaknesses. He's here to tell you about his strengths. Or I am, which is why I'm not going to answer that question.

"Let me see that list of questions... OH MY GOD, it actually SAYS that? Who gave you this list? That person is trying to make you look like an ass. I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Can I get you something? Oh, sorry, it's your workplace. Well, I'm sorry about that too. No one should have to put up with this."

Re:Interview ending question

[Anonymous Coward]

Since it's a dumb question, why not get creative?

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?

A: Crawling through the tunnels under the launch pad, about to try to sneak on to a Soyuz rocket. But in case my interview with the CIA doesn't go well, I'm interviewing here as a backup.
A: A kept boy-toy living with Scarlett Johansen working on my "screenplay."
A: Well, after the financial crash and, ultimately, the dissolution of the USA, I'll retreat to my underground bunker where I have about 3 years worth of food stored. After some time, I'll join a collective of local survivalists who band together to increase their food supply. We'll go out in raiding parties for the next few years scavenging whatever supplies we can from the lesser-prepared survivors. I can't tell you my exact location though, as that would compromise the safety of our raiding party. Suffice it to say, you won't hear us coming and it will be over before you know it.
A: After a chance encounter on a bus where my husky voice is recognized by an executive at an ad agency, I'll get an audition and eventually win the part of the voice over for a series of commercials advertising a new line of super-absorbent Bounty paper towels, "The Quickerer Pickerer Upper", err...but after it's revealed that the ultra absorbency is actually the result adding repurposed waste from the Fukushima reactor and a bunch of kids get cancer, they company will make me the fall guy and I'll be serving 10-20 years at a Federal correctional facility, doing an interview with 60 minutes protesting my innocence. Anderson Cooper will ask me, where did things go wrong for you and I'll think, and then eventually say, "5 years, to the day, I interviewed for a position that I didn't get. I was asked where I saw myself in 5 years and instead of a staid, boring answer like 'Happily employed here.', I tried to be a bit more creative. Everything just spiraled out of control from that point."

Re:Interview ending question

[Paradise Pete]

The only correct answer when someone asks about caliber is "45 caliber"

My father, a larger man, once worked as a human cannonball at the circus. He hated it, but when he tried to leave they told him "You can't quit! Where would we ever find another man of your caliber?"

Tame and lame

[Anonymous Coward]

Somewhat interesting concept, but those were really lame.

Then again, the closest I have done was when asked if I had any experience with clearcase or rhapsody. My response was something along the lines of "yes, but I've been trying to put that behind me".

Re:Tame and lame

[ifiwereasculptor]

Seconded. Incredibly lame answers. He missed the obvious answer to #3:

3) "If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?" -- Apple, Specialist interview.

That would mostly depend on which neighborhoods I'd be delivering to. I suppose I could feel a bit safer, though since almost every robber has a gun, now, I'm not sure scissors would cut it. (for best results, interrupt the next question with "get it? 'cut it'", then maintain a blank stare for as long as possible)

Re:Tame and lame

[Penguinisto]

Actually, that question, while itself lame, does serve a purpose if the job requires creativity. They want to watch your come up with something different, and do it outside your comfort zone. If the interviewers are sharp enough, it will also give them a clue as to how you would fit into their culture.

In my current job (originally as a sysadmin, now DevOps)? I went through a battery of technical grilling, then I was asked point-blank:

"Is there intelligent life in Outer Space"?

I answered yes, then asked to defend my position. I spent the next 45 minutes in back-and-forth debate involving my bringing out Drake's Equation, panspermia, extrapolation of odds, and many other related topics.

I got the job, and quickly discovered the reason why... the company is chock-full of full-on geeks, many of whom have a passion for their respective skills, and share many common cultural touchpoints, which allowed me to fit in perfectly.

It's stuff like that which you really cannot pick up on by asking dumb crap like "what is your greatest weakness."

Re:Tame and lame

[Anonymous Coward]

Since always.

Re:Tame and lame

[strength_of_10_men]

3) "If you were a pizza delivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?" -- Apple, Specialist interview.

"Well, I would still have to watch out for rock, but I wouldn't be very afraid of paper."

Re:Tame and lame

[Anonymous Coward]

Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Especially when "the group" has a particular existing racial and gender makeup...

So what you're saying is that you would not hire a racist homophobe because he doesn't fit in with your group. Hypocrite.

Here's the sad part

[bigsexyjoe]

When you are young, desperate, and eager to please, they ask you all the stupid questions. Their apparent motive is just to fuck with you and assert dominance.

When you are older and have a resume, they don't bother with the stupid questions. They just ask you about code and projects.

Re:Here's the sad part

[tftp]

In other words, the number of stupid questions is inversely proportional to your perceived value to the company. An experienced employee can easily walk away if he does not like your questions - and what then will you tell your boss who is desperate to fill that Project Lead position? Especially if the boss was also present at the interview? Good Project Leads are hard to find. You won't even talk to a good Code Monkey every day.

Re:Here's the sad part

[houstonbofh]

Just remember, too much experience is bad. After you have 10 years experience you'll be too old to be employable. Anywhere. Ever.

I keep hearing that, and yet I keep working... Hmmm... And not only do I have 10 years experience, I have it three times!

Re:Here's the sad part

[lgw]

Just remember, too much experience is bad. After you have 10 years experience you'll be too old to be employable. Anywhere. Ever.

Only if you've been deeply irresponsible in your own job skills. One thing I learned early that that expertise in any technology stack will only last 5 years or so before it's worthless. Sometimes you have to move on, even to a lower-paying job, just to freshen your skills (as I recently did). Sometimes you have to directly focus on improving your non-technical skills in a real way. But you only become unemployable when you stop learning new professional skills.

20-mumble years of experience and still going here. Going back through my email, I was contacted 12 times last quarter by recruiters who seemed credible in having senior positions to fill, and a couple who didn't. I've certainly met and interviewed people who have made themselves unhirable by focusing too narrowly for too long, but as long as you remember that each specific technology that you're expert in will be meaningless in 5 years (and that salary doesn't go up when you're older like it does when you're younger), you won't have this problem.

Unprofessional all around

[Anonymous Coward]

If you're that certain you do not wish the job, don't make peoples day any more difficult by being a dickhat. Just politely end the interview saying you are no longer interested in the position.

That kind of response sends the message loud and clear that it was their interview that drove you away and may push them to explain why they were asking such shitty questions. If nothing else it avoids creating an instant adversarial position where your indignation is written off as "you being a dickhat" not that there might be something wrong with their interview process.

We're adults, grow the hell up and stop assuming anyone gives a crap if you act like a smartypants.

Re:Unprofessional all around

[Anonymous Coward]

Just politely end the interview saying you are no longer interested in the position.

It's important to remember that a job interview should be a 2 way street. You need to be clear (and it may not hurt to make it clear) that you are assessing them as much as the other way round. Telling someone they failed should always be done politely and with tact.

Re:Unprofessional all around

[Penguinisto]

This, right here.

In tech circles, your name gets passed around a lot farther than you think. Even if you turn down that job, the fact that you were a dickhat will pass around - eventually to the jobs you do want. IF you don't fit into the culture, you won't fit into the job.

This is doubly true in medium and smaller tech markets (like here in PDX, for instance). We've been trying to hire sysadmins here with experience, and we've been able to weed out at least a couple of resumes so far based just on (bad) reputation.

While I and my cohorts don't know everyone in the biz here, we do know who we really want, and who we don't want.

How often do you get stressed

[Anonymous Coward]

My response was never, stress gets no work done, I budget for it after the issue resolution.

My response did not change inspite of the question being asked 3 more times, the interviewer got stressed and ended the interview. Interviews are crappy, if the manager does not know what the deliverable is

Be Careful

[Trip6]

You want to be snarky? Go ahead - enjoy it and feel good about yourself. But remember that the professional world in which you play is a VERY small one, and word gets around.

Return it to the Interviewer!

[Irate Engineer]

Remember that a job interview is a 2-way transaction - you should be checking out the company and staff as carefully as they are checking you out. Put them on the ropes, ask them questions that make *them* uncomfortable, see how they handle it. "How has the company stock been doing?" Whatever the answer (Good/Poor), ask "Why?". Maintain eye contact and look for shifty glances. Keep your bullshit detector on high sensitivity. "What things does your competitor do better than your organization, and what is your plan to change them?"

It's one thing to be new to the profession and just want to steer your way to a first job. But later, after you've worked through a couple crappy companies, you'll see that it is important to be on the offensive during the interviews. Walk in like a boss and probe their weaknesses. Any organization worth their salt should be impressed at your command of the situation. And if they really were looking for a meek wallflower that would spout the most PC response - do you really want to work there? And if the responses from the interviewer are stilted and confused, do you really want them as a co-worker?

Re: Return it to the Interviewer!

[Todd Knarr]

Consider my response to that: "Oh, I already know how it's doing. I did my research on your company. I want to know if you know how your own company's stock's doing, and how your view of it matches up with the analysts' take on your company.". If the interviewer's willing to BS me about the company's performance and how it's handling itself, what else are they BSing me on? And if they honestly don't realize how their company's performing, I have to wonder whether there's some fundamental dysfunction that I may not want any part of.

Ghostbusters FTW

[Anonymous Coward]

Best. Interview question. EVER.

"Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?"

WTF #28

[Tablizer]

I once was given a "security" questionnaire that asked, "Have you ever had sex with animals or office equipment?"

I was very tempted to write in, "Do hair-dryers count?".

Interviewers forget...

[Moof123]

Interviewers all too often forget that this is a two-way process. I am evaluating them as much as they are evaluating me. In a recent interview a manager (not the hiring manager) really started to put the screws to me about my job history, really harping on how long I'd been at certain places that are just plain normal these days. Engineering has become somewhat nomadic, moving on as contracts dry up, or after the place gets bought up to be run like a puppy mill.

My takeaway was they were out of touch the industry they were looking to break into, and further probing by me bore this out. At that point I was still smart enough not to "blow up" the interview, as as others have noted, niche industries are alarmingly small and interbred. You never know who you will run across again down the road.

Re:um, yeah

[Anonymous Coward]

Thats a legitimate description of a good day from someone who is ex-military.

Turn them against each other

[Anonymous Coward]

Several years ago I was looking for a tech writing job. Found a local company advertising for a lead writer to (among other things) redo their user manuals for networking gear. I sent them my resume, the HR guy called, we spent an hour on the phone and it sounded like we had a perfect match. He asked me to download one of their user manuals (about 100 pages) from their web site and critique it and bring it to an interview. I grabbed the doc, spent about three hours reading and annotating it and writing up a recommendation (and it needed a hell of a lot of work).

I get to the interview a few days later and the head of engineering is in charge, and the HR guy is there. Engineering guy obviously thinks there's no need for anyone, ever to employ a technical writer, engineers can do everything (which no doubt explains the train wreck I saw in the manual I reviewed), and was very rude. I stayed upbeat and polite, even though it was clear I had zero chance to get a job that he didn't think should exist, until he pointed to the marked up document I'd brought along and said, "I don't know why we would care about what you thought of our current work." I pointed to the HR guy and said, "I did this at his request. Who's doing the hiring here?" They looked at each other, and it was clear I had just poured salt into a fresh wound.

The interview ended shortly thereafter, and when the HR guy walked me to the door he apologized for what had happened. I told him to keep my resume on file in case they figured out how badly they needed professional help. Never heard from them, and their manuals are still a train wreck.

Least fitting interview question ever asked

[phoenix182]

My personal fave:

After the spending the first gulf war in the military and then working a decade in extremely active security companies (we're talking 200+ combats a year and solo commercial and industrial armed alarm responses) I was ready to break into IT. On my first interview (for @Home phone network support) the hiring panel asked me "how I would handle the extraordinary stress of having to deal with people who were so very angry with me".

I started laughing like a lunatic, and couldn't stop until the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I realized they were horrified at my behavior and had been serious. I asked if they'd even read my resume and cover letter, and when they hemmed and hawed I explained further.

It went something like - "Look, 6 months out of boot camp I spent a night in ops watch at a flag command as the 4th link in the chain of nuclear response...that means that had anything happened I would have been one of the first people to get the ball rolling towards global nuclear armageddon. In security I was called upon to rush alone into a warehouse in the middle of the night with hundreds of thousands of dollars of merchandise all around me and find out if it was on fire, or if a half dozen armed criminals were robbing the place. I had to put myself (unarmed and unarmored) into melees with a pack of armed gangbangers out for revenge over a recent shooting. I had to restrain psychotic killers who were on PCP before they could murder the 19yr old nurse on duty. Look I realize you take your job seriously, but quite honestly none of you have the slightest idea of what stress or anger are. Next question please."

I figured that was gonna wash me out in a heartbeat, but surprisingly I got the job.

ebay interview

[swframe]

I walked out of an interview at ebay. In the middle of the interview, they told me the position had been filled but they wanted me to talk to one more person to complete the process. I didn't know until after that it was a "stress interview". The interviewer was clearly enjoying watching me struggle. The first question the interviewer asked was which java packages I felt comfortable using. After I told him, he said "those are the ones I won't ask you about". The best question from that interview: "If you were given a technical design document how would you tell if it is good without reading it?" Later, I ended the interview when he told me I couldn't use the whiteboard to make it easier for me to show him the answer.