An Evidence-Based Approach To Online Dating

HughPickens.com writes Rachel Nuwer writes in the NYT that Dr. Sameer Chaudhry's online dating persona was garnering no response from the women he reached out to so he synthesized 86 literature studies on the subject of online dating in the fields of psychology, sociology, and computer, behavioral, and neurocognitive sciences.in hopes of improving his odds. As it turns out, success begins with picking a user name. While men are drawn to names linked to physical traits (e.g., Cutie), the researchers found, women prefer ones that indicate intelligence (e.g., Cultured). Both sexes respond well to playful names (e.g. Fun2bwith) and shy away from ones with negative connotations (e.g., Bugg). User names that begin with letters from the first half of the alphabet do better than those from the latter half. "As human beings, we have a tendency to give things at the top of a pile more value," says Khan. As for your profile photo, pick a photo with a genuine smile, one that crinkles the eyes, and with a slight head tilt (it's linked to attractiveness). And if you're looking for a male partner, go for that photo of you in siren red—a color that enhances men's attraction to women. "For those attracted to browse into the profile, a description of personal traits increased likeability when it: showed who the dater was and what they were looking for in a 70:30 ratio; stayed close to reality; and employed simple language with humor added. Invitations were most successful in obtaining a response from the potential date when they: were short personalized messages addressing a trait in their profile; rhymed with their screen name or headline message; and extended genuine compliments." And finally, don't wait too long before arranging a face to face meeting.

Comments

Boring

[Anonymous Coward]

So in other words, restrict your dating into a strict, stressful, desperate, calculated operation?

Re:Boring

[alen]

yep, women makes lists of features they want in a mate. 70%- 80% is about not only what they settle for but what they want since they want a lifelong project to change a man into their image. 100% perfect is too boring

Re:Boring

[Anonymous Coward]

Women lie about what they want. They even lie to themselves what they want.

Some women. And from the discussion here, some men are equally likely to lie.

When they think they have found what they want, they change the lie to themselves so it is completely different. You will never win.

You've been dating the wrong sort of women. Try finding those with whom you have some common feeling. If none exist, the problem is with you.

Never bet half your lives earnings on a woman. She will end up taking it every time. It is just too tempting of a quick get rich scheme for them not to do it.

I "bet half my life's earnings" more than 20 years ago. We're still going strong, with teenagers at school and university.

Re:Boring

[Grishnakh]

You've been dating the wrong sort of women. Try finding those with whom you have some common feeling. If none exist, the problem is with you.

I don't know about the OP, but I'm an engineer, and women interested in dating engineers don't seem to exist. Maybe I'm the problem, but I don't know how to not be an engineer, and how to change myself into a salesguy or a marketer or a CEO, nor do I think it's realistic to think I could completely change my personality that way.

The main problem I have in dating, truthfully, is actually meeting women to date. I've always had this problem. As an engineer, I just don't come into personal contact with women very often in life: women don't go into engineering majors in college, or into engineering jobs afterwards. So I'm limited to meeting women in just a few ways: 1) hope to meet them at work somehow, among the few non-engineers I run into (which doesn't happen much), 2) run into them IRL somehow, like when standing in line (how often does this happen???), 3) meet them at some kind of singles function, or 4) meet them on a dating site online. None of these are particularly great ways to meet compatible people; #4 is theoretically the best, but in practice doesn't work out well because so few women actually use such sites, as they have no trouble getting picked up IRL somewhere, so the women who do use such sites are usually the leftovers who can't get a date any other way. Now throw in that I'm not so young any more, and women in my target age range (30s) are mostly married with kids (or divorced with kids and nearly unable to date because they have no time away from their kids), and the situation is very bleak.

My advice is to find a really good partner when you're in college, and don't graduate until you do. Go for a Master's or a second degree or something if you haven't found someone. After you leave college, it's all downhill.

Re:Boring

[Anonymous Coward]

but in practice doesn't work out well because so few women actually use such sites, as they have no trouble getting picked up IRL somewhere, so the women who do use such sites are usually the leftovers who can't get a date any other way. Now throw in that I'm not so young any more, and women in my target age range (30s) are mostly married with kids (or divorced with kids and nearly unable to date because they have no time away from their kids), and the situation is very bleak.

To me it doesn't sound like you are quite the catch yourself at this point, so perhaps those "leftovers" women might just be up your alley. Perhaps going for a divorced with kids, but above average is also an option.

Not trying to be an asshole, but it sounds like you are being picky, and that is why you don't have much to choose from.....

Bad Advice

[StormReaver]

Anyone who follows this advice deserves what they get.

The age old advice still stands: be yourself.

If someone wants you for who you're not, rather than who you are, you are better off just moving on. Here's what I posted on my blog years ago after marrying a wonderful woman I met on Plenty of Fish:

I was recently reading the front page of plentyoffish.com, a dating web site where my wife and I first met (we recreated a joint account to submit a testimonial), that provided a very long, detailed opinion piece to a young man about how to behave in order to win a girl that he was very attracted to. It was from a so-called dating expert, and contained some of the worst drivel that men cling to in hopes of landing a wife.

The given advice was to act distant, indifferent, and aloof; that showering her with affection made him look desperate and goofy. We men turn to this kind of garbage when we're not having much luck with women. We turn to this crap when we actually do become desperate.

It took me a long time to realize what should have been self-evident all along: the old advice of just being yourself is, by far, the best advice you could possibly get. Being yourself isn't intended to improve upon the quantity of women you attract. It is intended to improve upon the quality of women you attract. Not surprisingly, the exact same advice applies equally to women. Don't follow those stupid "rules" such as not making the first move. All those rules are complete and utter crap, and will just make you even more miserable than you already are.

All the little head games and misdirections that you have learned are intended to achieve one thing: a brief relationship. They are not the doorway to a lasting marriage, but rather just the path to multiple meaningless disappointments. You will not be able to maintain the charade you have built, and will always fail in the long run. She will always see through you eventually. You will eventually slip up and expose yourself for the fraud you are, and you will be back to square one.

If she is not interested in who you really are, then you do not want her (regardless of what your hormones may tell you). It doesn't matter how pretty, gorgeous, sexy, or otherwise desirable she may seem. If she is not attracted to who and what you are, then any meaningful relationship with her is doomed. She will eventually (but usually quickly) tire of you, and move on to the next guy.

I am a software developer, and spend most of my time in front of a computer. When I was dating, I tried hard to hide that from my dates. All the advice I had been given was that women were turned off by the kind of geeky guy who spent that much time with his computer. I tried to list other interests on the dating site (tenuous as those interests were), tried focusing on what I thought women wanted, and every other trick I could think of that was even remotely true (and some that were very much not true when I reached a certain point of disillusion). Maintaining the illusion was very difficult, as that isn't who I am.

In the end, it was those very traits that my wife tells me were the most attractive to her. It turns out that her life had been full of too much stress, anxiety, and drama. An easy-going, caring, intelligent, homebody of a man is exactly what she had been looking for, and couldn't find, for a very long time (we were both in our late 30's). She would not have been at all interested in the man I had tried pretending to be, but was hopelessly in love with the man I actually am. Who we really are is what allows us to connect on a very deep, lasting level.

It took us both a very long time to find each other (strictly speaking, she found me), and we both suffered some horrible emotional scarring in our prior lives apart, but that scarring is what allowed us to appreciate what we have together.

So although it may hurt in the short term, it's better to be rejected by women for who you are than to be accepted by women for who you are not. You will eventually find that woman who will love you for who you are, even if you have to go through many painful rejections along the way. The women who accept you for who they want you to be will always desert you. No exceptions.

Re:Bad Advice

[Livius]

The age old advice still stands: be yourself.

That's fantastic advice if "yourself" is in the top 1% of the most awesome prospects. Those people don't need any advice at all.

The best the rest of us can do is to be ourselves after first improving ourselves.

Unfortunately you can't get to the long term without short term and in reality, being fake is phenomenally successful for the short to medium term. It generally works as long as the plausible deniability lasts.

Re:Bad Advice

[umafuckit]

Anyone who follows this advice deserves what they get. The age old advice still stands: be yourself.

The summary provides suggestions on choosing a user name, what sort of photo to take (which it suggests should have real smile) and to include real personal traits in the description of yourself. How is this in contradiction of the age old advice?

What about mine?

[antdude]

AntDude is a turn off? :(

My tips

[fyngyrz]

I don't know about the OP, but I'm an engineer, and women interested in dating engineers don't seem to exist.

What you do isn't likely to be a draw unless it is exotic, either by virtue of rarity, or by virtue of publicly visible achievement (CEO of a major company, etc.)

Who you are, on the other hand, is something you demonstrate with everything you do. Worthwhile women (as opposed to self-destructive barflies and NASCAR fans) are most often looking for several things, usually in the following order.

First, looks and character. You don't have to be a beautiful man, but you will do best if you carry yourself with confidence, and no matter what you should be clean and smell good or at least not smell bad, you need to groom your hair, keep your fingernails and sweaty parts extremely clean without telegraphing obsession, and you should dress like someone who can afford to dress well, because...

Second, security. You should project the sense that being with you is a better state than being without you. A nice car, a nice ring or watch, clean clothes in excellent shape, these send two messages: that you will spend for comfort and that you can spend. Most women of breeding age (even if you're not interested in having kids, I assume you're still interested in going through the motions) are looking for a fellow who is able and willing to make that nest. That's true even if they say, and if they really mean, they don't want kids themselves. Security is a very good thing, and they've been seriously tuned up by evolution to seek it out. Also, as a life goal, a great nest is an excellent thing to aim for, to achieve, and to share.

On the subject of security, kill any debt you have if humanly possible. You'll have more money in the end. A debt-free person is a lot more attractive than one who brings such things to a relationship. This isn't always achievable, but if you can get out of debt and/or avoid it entirely, you definitely should. Financial rule #1: You don't want to pay interest. You want to charge interest.

Once you are interacting, STFU and listen. You can initiate conversations, and steer them, and you should, but you need to be a good listener more than anything else. Let her speak and encourage her to speak more, and visibly enjoy the experience (don't fake it -- build a mindset where you are interested. It's entirely a good thing.) The time for you to speak at any length is when you are asked a question. Which you answer carefully and in the most interesting way you can. Otherwise, short and sweet is the rule. This aids in making you intriguing and in projecting interest in her.

I speak from a lifetime of experience, and a great deal of success in courting the women I went after, ultimately, finding and keeping someone of such profound worth and compatibility that to this day, after decades, I am still deeply in love with her, and she with me. I'm almost 60, BTW. And yes, I am an engineer and a geek, and I am not a beautiful man. However I am confident and I am extroverted but can listen well without having to interrupt with my own take or story (one of the most obnoxious conversational failures ever, IMHO, is to interrupt, or answer, a story of someone else's with a recitation of something similar or related that happened to you. Instead, ask questions about the story and as it is told, respond to it within its own context. You can take that one right to the relationship bank. No matter how strong the urge, don't tell stories about yourself except when explicitly asked to do so. Mystery trumps bragging every time.)

When the day comes when you're trying to seriously figure out if a particular lady is "the one", watch out for serious areas of conflict that the rush of romance has (temporarily, I assure you) pushed aside: religion, politics, impingement of extended family fuckarosis, drinking or drugging habits and seriously divergent philosophical outloo

Re:Define "success"

[Oxygen99]

So. Er. Be pleasant, polite, engaged and confident? Perhaps that's what attracts a potential partner rather than pseudo-manipulative mind tricks?